Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Tantrum Tool Box, Is General Advice Neurodiverse Advice & Eating Anxiety

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

This week our house has been germ central which reminded us just how hard it is to juggle work while trying to mind a sick child. Heartfelt hugs going out to all the parents who found themselves juggling that nightmare this week. As always we have three very different anonymous emailers bravely looking for guidance on three very different kid scenarios.Question 1- Our first question is actually about how applicable general advice is to neurodiverse kids. A mom gets in touch to ask whether general parenting tips can be applied to every child, especially kids with additional needs. Question 2. An exhausted mum reaches out for help with the terrible tantrums of her two year old. The constant whining and crying is driving her round the twist. How can she make it stop? How can she get her house to be a happy home again? Question 3- Definitely our toughest question yet. A worried parent gets in touch about her very young daughter’s anxiety issues. With behaviours ranging from school refusal to full blown panic attacks, this mum definitely needs help. Where can she get it though? How can we help her while she waits for the services she requires to access the care ahead of she needs. Thank you for tuning into another episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. If you need any help email us at [e-mail]. If you want more? Pop on over to Patreon for the juicy stuff. Jarlath Regan | creating Irishman Abroad Podcasts | Patreon

it's the most pukey and vomity time of year i mean if your house isn't sick this week count yourself lucky it feels like everyone is sick our house was like a small hospital this week hospital did i say it like that i used, I used to say that. Sorry. Hospital full of the worst kind of grossness. Disgusting mucus everywhere. And you know when it happens is when the first time you get the chance to relax.

And that's exactly what happened to me. Well, we did know that during the Olympias we were trying to fight something off because my parents had been quite ill

and we'd been around them a good bit. And then the minute you relaxed, you were fucked. Am I allowed to say that that yeah jared was so sick this week but you bounced back fast but mikey's missed a whole week of school and my heart goes out to anybody who's trying to juggle their work home life with their sick kid life it's impossible i'm sorry after this week i thought it won't be that bad he's 13 now

it's impossible give it up you cannot you're not gonna get any work done nothing gets done well because you're so worried about your kid and you're checking on them the whole time and trying to keep their temperature down and keep them out of pain and oh my god absolute i've been in the chemist and the doctors every single day this week then on top of that we had our kidney appointment because obviously i go to my kidney clinic and now jarlett does of course too because he has one kidney because he donated his other one and honestly the reaction he gets in the kidney clinic is so different i've been attending my kidney clinic for 22 years yeah 22 years and they when jarlett walks in they're like that's the guy the woman was like is that your husband he's amazing he donated his kidney jarlett in a kidney

clinic you are a hero everyone there needs a kidney you're there because you save someone's life it's amazing it's amazing once's a good buzz uh once again i recommend people donate the spare kidney they have if they want some hero status and adulation but you know i guess this week i was a bit more conscious of what it must be like to have a long-term sick kid in your house if this is your life and this is what you're coping with yeah i mean exceptionally hard and you don't get a pay raise for it you don't get an awful lot of understanding i'd imagine um i'd say you barely get time to listen to a podcast like this yeah well we have a mom who's in touch a lot with our podcast and she is um at home a lot my caring for her child who not only

has health issues but also intellectual and physical disabilities on top of that so her it's a full-time job and she was hoping to come to olympia one night and like that last minute she couldn't do it so i was like don't worry about it if you can get a nurse for sunday we'll just put you on the door and then then she still couldn't come what have you got for us on the show this week, Tina? I hate when you get me on the spot like that. I go straight to panning. I know what you've got for us. You've got a neurodiversity question to start things off.

You also have an eating anxiety question. Yeah, that's a scary one. Which I'm dying to read. Maybe one of the toughest questions you've ever received. I think so. I think so because I'm just so worried about saying the wrong thing well it's also extremely hard when you haven't met the kid or seen the behaviors honey you're ruining your kid at gmail.com is the place to email your questions for tina and as we

say all the time emailing a question doesn't mean it's going to go on air you know tina will help you no matter what and actually get in touch this week we've been getting a lot of voice notes to the instagram which is great but honestly the emails are easier to deal with because sometimes the voice notes disappear i can't go back and re-listen whereas i read your emails over and over and over again so i can get a clear picture because like jarlett always says i used to sit in classrooms observing children or go to houses and for like a few days until i could gauge what's going on yeah the temperament of the child and why is the child doing this because there is always a reason whatever behavior you're seeing there's a reason for it and i would be

there to spot oh okay there's the pattern that's why they're doing it so back in the early days of this podcast i used to say how many times did it come down to your kid is just acting the pup? You did. You say that a lot. I say that a lot. I'm like, yeah, but is it possible he's just being a little dick? Yeah. And.

The odd time, yeah. Yeah, this is the thing. Yeah. And that gives parents hope too. Yeah, of course. Maybe it's not a huge behavioural issue that we're going to need

to puzzle out. I'm sorry for doing that accent. But sometimes it can just be catch yourself on. Well, that's not going to work here. The most common one is a power struggle. Right.

Yeah, it is. I the boss. Yeah, I the boss. No, you're not. Yeah. I'm the boss. But still, you have to yeah i'm the boss but still you have to give the child the benefit of the doubt that maybe there's more going on yeah you know yeah yeah yeah and that can be hard too also parents don't really like being told he's just acting the bollocks

because that makes them feel awful okay question number one this week hi tina and jar thanks for what you said on this week's podcast about neurodiversity this was last week and how this advice didn't apply to neurodiverse kids in your opinion is this always the case right she's talking about when i was on the pat kenney show talking about um children who aren't are just skill avoiders for no actual reason yeah well she i mean the opening paragraph this this question is really important for people that are listening to this with neurodiverse kids going well can i apply tina's advice uh to my kid. That's what I understand this to be. Anyway, my son is nearly five and was diagnosed as autistic last May. And I've done a lot of research on it and how we can support him and have learned a huge amount in the last year. He has a lot of sensory challenges and food is a particularly difficult one for him. A lot of what

I've researched explains the reason a lot of the time it is sensory and why certain things are challenging for him and the same wouldn't apply to neurotypical kids. When listening to certain advice on your podcast or on social media in general, I oftentimes think, well, that doesn't apply to us. But sometimes I question, is that always the case? I also think there could be some parents who are starting their neurodiverse journey or are waiting on an assessment, too many of them, that's for sure, who listen to general parenting podcasts and advice. And when it doesn't work or may make the situation

worse they think they're bad parents when dealing with all of that is so stressful anyway yeah i think the times i do question it is if it is different for us is often when listening to other people's opinions or oh that's the worst right yeah that's the garden fence stuff or my previous idea of what parenting in vertical should be i mean this is half the battle isn't it comparison it's just it just saps the strength from you i've learned to follow my gut a lot fair play to you and have stopped following social media pages that give great but generic advice and i've started following some amazing neurodiverse pages and there's heaps of those and that's really good as well for her to feel part of the community she's going to need people who understand yes who get it yeah yeah

okay so her final thing here he's definitely in a better place now in terms of regulation. He's starting to know what he needs himself. And we provide what he needs or change plans to support him, which is easier to do as he's an only child. But there are still the tough and stressful days where we don't know what's causing the dysregulation. I love this podcast, 20 Year New York Kid, and the advice. I know we'll all have challenges ahead of us as he changes and grows. But I'd love to know from your experience, does general advice always not apply?

I get what you're saying. Incredible question. not apply okay which is a incredible question and uh um when this emailer got in touch i was i've been a little bit uh worried about upsetting people yeah um that i replied quite quickly being uh like um i hope i didn't give you the opinion that i was saying that when really when i read it again i was like she's just wondering yeah and she actually got back again to say to clarify that that she was just wondering and I just think this mom like she's such a cool lady yeah she's like look what she's done her child's only five that is so rare to have uh you know a diagnosis and a plan of action and you know a sensory diet in place like

she's a pretty cool person also researching every angle trying to figure it out which unfortunately is kind of the way you need to be if you've got a child who has additional needs you kind of can never stop you have to be absorbing information and changing techniques all the time because what works one week won't work the next week. And the hardest part of having a child with autism for most parents is that they sometimes you've reached the brow of the hill, you've gotten on top of a behavior. You're like, oh like oh my goodness that's

incredible i can't believe they're not doing that anymore and then the next day there's a whole new thing that you gotta try and work together to get through and help that child so you're kind of accumulating a toolbox i think so yeah and i love that she talked about listening to your gut because that's the most important thing for every single parent no matter what is going on in your life nobody knows your child better than you and you really have to listen to yourself because you're the main observer you're the one seeing them the whole time no doctor and no um specialized trained person is going to be able to tell you something that you don't and convince you is right if you don't feel it is. So really, your mommy gut is the most important thing.

That intuition is scary. It's so good. Like, and it's so important. Her question about is such an important question. Yeah. Can people with neurodiverse kids, kids with additional needs, listen to a general podcast and draw advice from it? Or are they better off going to specific sources, like she said, the Instagram pages or specific podcasts for those kids? It depends on where you are in your journey,

because absolutely, definitely, I don't think there is anything wrong with listening to general advice and seeing if you can apply it to your child but if you are in a place where you're like nothing is working and those people don't understand what my situation is i definitely think then it's more right it's better to be in part of the community where you feel like there's an empathetic ear to your. You need that too. Yeah. Yeah. So let's take the most, if I was to draw on some of the most general advice that you've given over the time, over the two years. Yes, the two year anniversary.

It's nearly two years, yeah. Of when you were a New York kid. Now and next. Well, that's actually a really good one for all children. We're going to be doing this now. Yeah, and then we're going to be doing this. That's a calming. So regardless of the neurodiversity of the kid, that's calming for them. That's a calming technique.

And sometimes if your child has additional needs, it's the way you bring that into the environment that might be different. Maybe you need pictures of now and next. They need a visual aid. It's a principle. Yeah, but that principle is that is good for every single child and in fact sometimes it's more used in a neurodiverse setting whereas children who are neuro neurotypical is that how you say they need it too that's just something that works and is a good tool for most well there's one that definitely applies across

the board how about always give a warning i think that's just out of respect to every child every child deserves a warning before before an action yeah yeah um i mean that now we're headed down the territory where i'd say she is concerned like when we're going about talking about discipline or de-escalation scripts. Completely different scenario. Completely different scenario. Why? Because you'd have to really, I wouldn't be able to advise on that child

and how you deal with that situation without observing how that child reacts and what that child needs in order to be able to calm down. That's very individual. Yeah. You just, like, there's just so many other factors happening there there's so many different sensory issues there's like it's just really hard

that's very much i'm not saying you couldn't issue a consequence or a warning you know for that child but it would just be a very individualized plan taking in that child's needs if there is a theme for today's podcast i think that might be it that you can email honey you're ruining our kid and get the benefit of tina's 20 years of advice with severe behavior and kids of all kinds but when you're emailing in there has to be a consciousness that she can only help you with certain situations yeah because ideally you need to be on the ground yeah with the individual and like actually like this is where i like i don't know is it okay say tribe and is with the severely right uh intellectually disabled children.

Those are the kids I started off with. And those are the kids we saw the biggest... Leaps. Yeah, you're staring at me so intensely that I'm worried I'm saying the wrong thing. This is a whole part of your life that I just like, I think I kind of sleepwalked through. I mean, when I started working in uh just you know primary schools that weren't any way directed towards special education it was so easy because i was so used to dealing with children who had severe behaviors and like really the cause of these behaviors was so out of their control that you were trying to just help them

the whole time to navigate this world in a way that they weren't it wasn't affecting them so much in this negative way whereas i mean you're just dealing with children who you know have behaviors but it's such an easy fix it was so easy but like i love helping people who, parents who have a kid who has neurodiverse needs are made feel so alone because sometimes people just give up and say, well, you're just going to have to get used to that. That's just how it's going to be. You got a tricky one. Yeah, that's how it's going to be now. Before he has a seizure, he's maybe going to punch holes in walls. And that's just not the case.

maybe going to punch holes in walls. And that's just not the case. That child, of course, can be helped to be in a calmer place and, you know, be able to interact in this world in a nicer way. So there is always hope. But I definitely think, yes, it's individualized. You need to know. I need to see that kid. I need to see what's kicking it off, what's causing it.

How do I help it? How can I help that child? Well, I think you've answered the question really well. And I hope that that also welcomes into the conversation these parents, that they listen to the show. And I know a lot of people listen to the show to hear about more extreme cases so they feel better about their situation. And maybe to pick up the principles, as you said,

I also wonder when you're saying it, what the hell did people do in the past when there was no infinite number of podcasts and Instagram pages? I don't know. Books available on Amazon delivered tomorrow. You know, places like jigsaw.ie. I do not know.

I guess there was an awful lot of pain and suffering for these kids and for the parents and a lot of them got put in institutions well i mean you know there's that incredible place in ireland st michael's house which was set up by a group of parents who saw that there was a you know gap well yeah the only other ones we had were vincent's and can't remember the other name, but St. John of God's. And they're all religious institutions. And I've worked in all of them. But St. Michael's House was the first place for people with intellectual or physical disabilities that was run by those parent led. And it was a parent community.

Like, you know, and it came out of them feeling so alone and isolated i mean it is the hardest i don't my heart goes out to any parent who is struggling with that because it is a full time job you are not getting any sleep and all i can say is i can't come to your house um but if the more information you give me the more i can help you're not on your own never feel like this is it now i have to put up with this for the rest of time yeah and maybe you can direct them to um the various associations yeah and you know what's amazing about our podcast i nearly slapped your knee there don't mind if you do is that other parents get in touch every single week they go

do you know about this maybe you could pass this on to that mom oh it's brilliant it's the best bit and then i'm able to forward on places i don't know about and say you know what another person got in touch and said this might be great and it's so i love that it's so helpful that's all we have time in that particular question but uh of course you'll be back to them with more let's get on to question number two i know uh usa kids are fascinated by my face because it's so cartoon-like. I didn't know what you were going to say there. Like the elongated nose. People may not know this, but I have a rather large honker.

I do not say that to you. You don't say that to me. No, just to be clear. I do not say you've got a honker. I go to the gym to bulk up the rest of my face to balance out my nose. It was a lot bigger when we first met. Because I was slimmer then. Oh no, Charlotte, that's not what I'm saying.

You were young. I mean it. You get some weird looks down the gym when you're trying to use the machines to bulk up your cheeks. They're like, what is this guy at? You're like gripping the machine handle by the mouth. Yeah, your nose is beautiful but i did worry when you said it didn't come in till you were 14 because i was like mikey hasn't got your nose and then you were like this didn't come in till i was 14 i was like what it looked like uh it did

look like a like a party treat you're very handsome if i put on a pair of dark glasses it looked like it was attached to that it was a big nose and i think growing in a comically large fringe uh thickening my eyebrows this is a little bit of beauty care thicken the eyebrows it's all comically large fringe and then a lot of facial workouts to get the cheeks pumped up, you can balance your gigantic hunker. Where is this going? I'll tell you where this is going. This week I've had so many kids stare me out of it.

Kids love you. It's so annoying because I love babies. These aren't looks of admiration or love. These are looks of, the fuck's this guy? No, they always smile and love you. Look at me like I'm ready to fight. Like, one move, buddy. Just make the move. Just make a move. We can go right here. You know, they're ready to fight like one move buddy just make the move

just make a move we can go right here you know they're like in prams looking around the corner yeah keep walking keep walking buddy i'm always like hello and they're always just obsessed with your face they well when it's the two of us they look at me and go what is up with this guy? Then they look at you and you go, hi, little guy. And they go, she's crazy. Well, I don't know why. They look back at me and I go, I'm not crazy. Okay, I like that guy with the huge nose. I mean, I say hello to every baby like they're going to talk back to me.

You do. They're like, she seems to know me, but I do not know this lady. Every baby without fail. Without fail. And some moms don't like it. She's pulling in the car, rolling down the window. Hello, baby. I just want a baby.

Never met that woman in my life. Our second question today is not about kids staring at grown-ups, but that was my experience this week if you have a face uh that is get stared out of it by kids let us know you also get stared out of it by uh 60 year old women okay you're always going there i really need some advice this listener says i'm really struggling with my two-year-old daughter the whining and the tantrums are getting impossible finally a tantrums question we haven't had a tantrums question in ages finally i love a good tantrums question right from the minute she wakes up everything is a whine and a challenge from

getting dressed trying to leave the house changing changing her nappy, brushing her teeth. Everything is done with tears and tantrums. By the end of the day, we're both exhausted. And I just feel like the worst parent on the planet. And that sucks. Why is she feeling that way? What do you mean? Well, how's she reacting?

She can't get her kid to do things without it being a big drama. Yeah, but I only ever feel like i'm the worst parent in the world if i've lost the cool you would feel like you failed if this is your kid this is like how have i not raised my kid to know she's only two but you put it on yourself that's what this mom is saying you blame yourself always we all do it she says i've tried getting down to her level explaining why whinging isn't an acceptable behavior sorry for laughing but she's two you know two-year-olds i know but she might girls are full of chat oh look two-year-olds are i love i'm well aware but you can't tell a two-year-old stuff whinging.

Well, she says to her, well, what she can do is, the other thing she's doing, she says, I let her have her emotion and I'm there for her. Well, that's really good. I've tried ignoring her, bribing her, bribing her with consequences. Now, I would call that threatening. We've all done that. Bribing with with consequences now i would call that threatening we've all done that bribing with consequences anyone if you don't do that that's a really good way of putting it though bribing with consequences and i've tried getting cross i mean we've all tried that one nothing seems to give her the help she needs with the big emotions. Oh. I have ended up shouting and arguing with a two-year-old. Oh, that's tough, yeah. Which is ridiculous, and I'm terrified I'm going to damage our relationship

and in the future have a mother-daughter relationship full of trauma. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I just want to be the best parent for my daughter please help anonymous well you're already being a great parent because you're already trying to figure this out and that is more than most i always say that i'm sorry for laughing yeah i'm sorry too i just the idea of telling a two-year-old to stop whinging it's very funny like you've totally forgotten like two-year-olds act like they're 50 yeah but i mean particularly girls like i always said remember i said to you that they're like drunken old ladies with their handbags and

sunglasses and top hats oh they're so cute but the one of the main things to remember is if you if you have a two-year-old in your house and i feel like when people know this all of a sudden it's a lot easier to parent a two-year-old they are going through a very sensitive period of order in their life they are it is so high the sensitivity to how things should be that they cannot control that they are striving for everything to be just the way they want it okay and they're not doing that out of badness or boldness or power or they're just in this way like this is a thing we now know about two and three-year-olds is that they expect things to be a certain way like if you are with a two-year-old and you take off your jacket it might upset them if you hold your jacket over your arm because that is not where jackets go jackets are worn if you're with

a two-year-old and you eat your cereal out of a cup instead of a bowl that is going to upset your two-year-old if you're with a two-year-old i'll do the last one i promise and they ask for a banana and you cut it up without asking them that is going to upset i need you to cut my sausage for me yeah you need to cut it in half and they meant cut the ends off yeah like it is really is a phase but they are really have a very and did you never grow out of that no i didn't i know tina has her order yes i think that's why i was so fascinated when i learned about this because it was something maria montessori really noticed in all her observations and then once you understand that then it doesn't seem like they're being bold or whinging yeah then you're like then you really help this mom because that does sound like exactly what she's going yeah because everything from the toothbrush yes to the clothes yeah and so how

can we arm this mom how can we help her get through today first of all this is when a visual schedule would change her life a visual visual schedule music bit here visual schedule visual schedule like so easy to do well not so easy for me i was lucky to live with an artist music bit here visual schedule digital schedule so easy to do, well not so easy for me I was lucky to live with an artist and draw the Reagan over here I can't draw for shit but if you can't draw you can print out pictures

you can find these online very easily and it's just an A4, A3 page in the bedroom where you've got her waking up in the morning getting out of bed brushing teeth sitting on a toilet getting dressed going downstairs having your breakfast getting ready for whatever you're next to do i imagine she's going to nursery and this visual schedule it just helps the child see exactly what's expected of her in the morning and what she's supposed to do

great that's going to work obviously you know this kid has a lot of opinions she wants to do her own thing so that's where we get into you need to offer choices stop trying to win the argument if it's like put on this dress and she doesn't want to stop trying to win that but what you can do is be fair and go i have two dresses you get to choose which one you can wear yeah do not bend on that do not go okay i picked the wrong two dresses i'll pick two more yeah these are the dresses you're offering her a choice that's great she'll feel that it's fair you know the um now and next always saying now we're doing this next we're doing that or when and then you know now and next when and then

when and then when we do this then we're doing that yeah when and then you know now and next when and then when and then when we do this then we're doing that yeah so that's more about that when and then is more about you know if they're trying to get something like they're trying to you know get screen time when we have our dinner yeah when we can then watch telly yeah but now and next is more about just preparing them for what's happening now what's happening next and then you know no consequences for a two-year-old please no timeouts please definitely talk about feelings read loads of books about feelings that are talk about her feelings definitely encourage that please don't punish a two-year-old what about the raising your voice because we've all done it i don't think you

should do that with a two-year-old either. Okay, I know we shouldn't do it. But, like, she's having difficulty not doing it. What do you do? What do you say to a person who's in that situation? Because this goes across the board. Oh, yeah. I would say this. Make sure your child is safe. Leave that room you're in with your child.

Scream into a pillow. Count to ten. You know, do what you have to do and then go back. God, don't they do test you though yeah but i mean shouting at a two-year-old is just teaching them how to shout yeah what was that book i'm reading at the moment um i can't remember the name of it but they were saying in this book that however calm you are is exactly how calm your kid is going to be yeah no they will try and match your energy good observation and also if you have a kid that's shouting well if you're if there's no other shouting in the house they're gonna sound pretty dumb also even if she does she doesn't have the

energy to do everything i just told her because it's hard she's at the end of her tether she might not be in a place where she can do that right now and the best advice i can give anyone with a two or three year old is distraction right yeah yeah get them busy doing something what's this over here what's this over here and give them a wipe get them to wipe the table all of a sudden you tell them to do something they're doing the thing you said some work give them something to do clean the gutters occupy their hands get her to brush her own hair get her involved they want to do they want to be active you know if she's having the windscreen if you feel like she's whinging do something like you know spill something by accident on the floor put the mop in her hand wow all of a sudden she's completely in another place you can't i'm sorry

you can't give out to a two-year-old they're learning and they don't really know why they feel that way they're not sure what you're doing please do not put your child on time not only step isolation up to the room please don't do that distract or take yourself out of the room until you're in a better place to come in and talk to your child okay right well my heart goes out to these people yeah it's exhausting look the fact is as well she's probably not getting as much sleep as before of course not and you gotta put yourself a bit of slack there if the kid is going for a nap i know it's so you could you couldn't nap. Don't say it, Jerk. No mom has the luxury to do that. This mom sounds like she needs more sleep. Every mom sounds like they need more sleep.

Who's helping with that? I don't know. Have you got any help at all to get you more sleep? Because here's the thing that I've learned about sleep is that you can actually be in a sleep deficit. And you said in episode one of this show, look, you've got to kind of give up the ghost on the sleep a little bit and accept that right there's gonna be a good few years my life here where i'm not gonna get exactly the sleep i want but you can catch up on it yeah you can catch up some way i just always two batteries like dangling sleep dangling sleep in front of people i get it but i'm just saying if you uh enlist the help of others or say to

somebody this is what i'm struggling with my my temper is frayed with the child because i'm which is understandable by the way like give yourself a break on that as long as you're not actually doing anything with that temper of course you're going to feel frazzled of course you are and thank you for getting in touch with us. And I hope that was helpful. But like, you know, you're not on your own. And if you want to get back to us with a little bit more information, I can definitely help you set up. If you need me to do a visual schedule, I'm very happy to do it.

You can commission one right away. That's baloney. You will not do that. I might. I might. i might i might you never know strap in this is the biggest question we've ever had on the show hi tina and jarleth i love the pod and i've been a listener since episode one two years ago holy moly a lot of your advice has helped me previously with my own daughter and now we're facing a very serious issue my daughter as an only child is six and a half she is always a happy

child until recently and used to go around singing all the time last march she was on a weekend trip away with her dad and may have had a tummy book or eaten something funny but whatever the cause she had a vomiting incident for the first time in her life in the airport on the way out. She was really upset by this and spent the whole weekend crying about it. She eventually recovered and went back to her normal self. The summer went by and she started seeing her infants in quite a happy mood. In December, we went on a week's holiday and in the airport,

she announced that she was not going to eat anything because she was worried about vomiting again. I think it was the airport setting that brought it all back to her and we decided to downplay it and told her that was her choice, but continue to offer her food and snacks on her normal schedule. She did eat some food over the week, mostly sweets, but she didn't really eat normally again until we got home. Just after we got home, unfortunate timing, a girl from another class had a vomiting incident in the yard during lunchtime. My daughter became extremely upset and had to go to the office and be calmed down. She told us about it afterwards

and was clearly upset about the vomiting itself as the girl was apparently fine afterwards. Since then, she has been telling us she feels unwell constantly and often thinks she is about to get sick. She's been trying to avoid school, crying at drop-off for the first time ever. I've advised the school that I want to avoid coming in to pick her up early if she says she's unwell, although I'm happy to talk to her on the phone and reassure, as I don't want this to turn into a full-scale school avoidance issue.

Last week when my husband picked her up from her granny's after school she had a full-on panic attack in the car. She was screaming oh god oh god please don't let me die. Saying she couldn't breathe shaking and crying. By the time I got home, she was a bit calmer, but still upset and saying she was going to get sick. Every night since, when she has refused to go to bed, crying and begging us to take her temperature, as she insists she's sick, her temperature has always been normal

and the complaints of feeling ill stop once she's calmed down. We've tried multiple approaches with her nighttime fears, listening sympathetically, allowing her to talk about it for as long as she likes. B, brushing it off and trying to reassure her that we know she's fine. Showing concern and taking her temperature to show her it's normal, refusing to take her temperature because she needs to deal with her fear itself rather than only calming down when she has definitive proof that she's not sick. Another option we've tried is spending hours with her trying to calm her down, saying we can only stay five minutes. We'll come back in a half an hour in the hope that she will

soothe herself and go to sleep nothing is working one thing might work to get her to calm down go to sleep one night but the next night it's back to square one we've tried these bunny breaths as advised by her teacher when she is in a panic and we also do five things you can see four things you can hear etc to ground her when she is worried it works temporarily but the worries immediately come back on the plus side she is eating normally and hasn't continued the food avoidance that happened on holiday she also hasn't actually vomited at all since the original incident we're trying to get her on an appointment with a child psychologist but there is a long waiting list which is absolutely ridiculous if you ask me in the meantime can you suggest any techniques that could work against her phobia

and general anxiety it seems like every approach carries a risk that we could be making things worse i know we all we will never get our i know we will never get our happy child back i don't agree with that you will of course but she's when you're in it you think it's never gonna pass but i would give anything to save her from a lifetime of anxiety and phobias i suffer from anxiety myself and my worries are compounded by the guilt of wondering if I've passed this on to her. The other night she told me she hasn't been happy since the girl got sick in the yard and asked me if she would ever be happy again. My heart is absolutely broken for her. Thanks so much for any advice you can give anonymous. Holy moly, tina what do you do when you get an email like that into the mailbox oh i panic i get really frightened that i'm going to say the wrong thing

and also i just want to help this mom like we do know from personal experience how an illness can affect a child for a long time afterwards psychologically we had a terrible time where mikey had a really bad vomiting bug and then slept walked is that how you say it yeah he was sleepwalking for months months afterwards every single night after this no idea what it was about all stemmed from the vomiting bug and he wasn't awake no walking i was classic sleepwalk and sometimes very panicked sleepwalking and it just went on for ages and then like we if it finally stopped we stopped but you handled it so well like i was so grateful that you were there to deal with it because just like this mom you tried all the different things and whatever was working you went with that yeah and and we we

also encouraged the journal that we're always banging on about you also wouldn't talk about it with him no i didn't i didn't let is something. But our kid was a bit older. Yeah, but I did realize he was kind of wanting to talk about it a lot. Yes. So I wondered, was he asleep? I definitely was like, that's fine. That's OK. We dealt with that last night. And this this is a really hard one because this is very serious.

Yeah. And I mean, she's not sleeping. She sounds to be quite upset. And like they're saying, hours, hours to calm her down. I mean, a panic attack in a young child is no joke. That is scary and they need help. So well done you getting your name down for that appointment. I'm so sorry how long it will take. I heard it takes up to two years what yeah um so i mean i found a lump and they were like yeah we'll get you in for

a scan yeah like two years later they're like do you want to get that lump scanned did we ever get that lump scan no charlotte that's terrifying why are you telling me this now the lump went away oh really yeah okay it's just like what kind of a system is i don't know but this woman needs immediate health she needs first thought was kira taylor and taylor made babies which is our sleep expert who's been on the show i don't know if she deals with kids that old and with that kind of an issue i could be wrong yeah maybe she does but actually what i was gonna say say was I'm not really sure how to answer this question but I always know kids feel safer with knowledge so if this was my child I would arm them with

facts I would teach them about the digestive system I would teach them about germs I would teach them about how our immune system works I would really go heavy on getting books about the body and the functions of the body and how the body works. The more that child is informed, the less scary it all is. She's obviously, when she had that vomiting thing, that was the worst she'd ever felt. Then she told it was over and then she saw another person having that and was like, oh, God, this could happen to me again. Then she's kind of now worried about when am I going to be sick again? There's a worry, unconscious worry, I'd imagine, in her that she's just a little bit unsettled as to when am I going to be OK? Then she's we've also these children have been raised through COVID where they were all terrified of germs.

I mean, their play was washing their hands where they were all terrified of germs i mean their play was washing their hands and they were so germ aware and she's also aware of aging and that people do die and that people get sick and they die so i would say everything this mom is already doing and dad is really really good the only things i would introduce to the mix are definitely keep her name down for the child psychology thing uh definitely uh keep being very rational and well well like i've seen you that's my first year on at the episode when tina says she wasn't talking to michael about his thing i think that your approach of really rationally being careful and kind yes that's not giving it yeah so if if you're if she brings up her worries

what i mean about it is you say thank you for telling me that it's good to know that and you move on you don't indulge in the worry thank you for telling me thank you for telling me that it's good to know that and you move on you don't indulge in the worry thank you for telling me that that's really good to know and move on distract move somewhere else but i'm not saying that your kid is doing this for attention no i wouldn't say that at all no but i am saying that like it must feel special it must feel special on some level to have all of mom and dad's attention and like i'm not the one who's trained in this no but but i am a lad who loves a lot of attention yeah well we do know that kids will crave attention and they will seek it out and go for wherever they can find it but there's no way she's enjoying this because she'd be exhausted from this yeah um i personally would arm her with facts i would really teach her about there are amazing ted

eds and curse cassette videos on youtube you gotta be careful when you're getting the info yeah they're brilliant uh little videos that help the child understand what's happening in their body there's incredible body books. I would go into the school and I would ask them to do about the immune system. Yes. Like they're always looking to do projects. Enlist the teachers. Enlist the teachers help.

And say how normal or how amazing the system is that it's taking care of us. Yeah. And that when we vomit. We're rejecting a germ it's our body actually protecting somebody yeah yeah like definitely educating her and how her body works and what the functionality of it is is so important they had that chat even because like really we tend not to but then kids are obsessed with this kind of stuff. Well, we tend to follow our kids' interests, and if one of their interests isn't that, but she is interested and she doesn't understand what her interest is,

it's actually frightening her. Yeah. Like, the sleep thing, I don't know what to say to them because that is really, really tricky. Very tough. But I do think tailor-madeies will have seen something similar. Yeah. So TaylorMadeBabies is the sleep expert that we've had on the show before.

She's amazing. And she claims, Ciara Taylor claims to have seen everything. I know, but she is more young babies. But you know. And what age does this kid get? Six and a half. Right. So I love the mom's approach of she's got to go to school.

Yeah. Because she's right. You give her an inch. Yeah. She's got to go to school yeah because she's right yeah you give her an inch yeah she's not you're never going to get her back in so well done that takes a lot of guts yeah i've stopped saying spunk this week i said that takes a lot of spunk at jarlet mike you were like never say that again great word um um fair play yeah i'm going to get back to this mom with more okay and maybe in the coming weeks we'll let people know how it all plays out yeah and also to our listeners you guys if you know of anywhere because i was trying to find a dietician that specializes in food with young

children issues and all i could find was food that's associated with trauma or really severe uh eating so if you know something yeah if you know something or of somebody like we know jigsaw but i don't think they go this young yeah i mean please let's pool our resources but uh yeah no um i will go get back to this moment more but i do think if she tried to arm her with knowledge with facts with with information, I think she'd be surprised how much calmer that child is when she knows what the functionality of all these things is. Well, Dina, thanks so much for this episode. That is all we have time for here on the free platform. If you're listening to this on whatever podcast platform you're

listening on, please give us a rating a comment a subscription it all helps i know that thousands of you are enjoying the show and so if each of you this week did a small favor of giving us a little rating comment and a subscription it would zoom us up the charts and that would be pretty awesome uh this is my kidney anniversary week the week uh in which we celebrate seven years since seven donated. Seven years. Can you believe that? So if you are somebody who wouldn't mind donating after you move on, you should be carrying a donor card. I will be talking a lot about it this week and I will be touring.

The Your Man comedy show is coming to Leicester on February 8th, then on to Birmingham on the 9th. The Set Theatre in Kilkenny for a show, two shows one of them is sold out. But there's a few tickets left for these upcoming shows, including Bray on the 15th and 16th

and a couple of tickets left for Bristol on the 17th. Tina, thanks so much. come on over to patreon to hear the juicy good stuff for all our can i just say jarrett thanks for doing the show today because jarlett is so sick and smithereens yeah uh i do notice that our episode wasn't as full as last as it normally is and i need to raise my game but thank you for doing the episode and i've no idea how you got your