Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - The Sore Loser Kid Returns, Claustrophobic Kid & The Kid That Throws Everything!

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid is about to save your mind and soul this summer. Listen in for the top 5 survival skills for parenting during the holidays. Tina will walk you through how you can enjoy and survive your kids this summer. Question 1- How do we get our children to be rational about their irrational fears? How can we help them cope so that they can get to a place where they can push through? Coupled with needing to get the grandparents on board. Is any of this even possible? Question 2- When your child starts throwing how do you stop it? Are they really throwing objects in frustration or are they doing it for a laugh? Is it a language frustration, can focusing on how they communicate actually help them stop throwing. Question 3- How do you nurture your sore loser, it is possible to funnel that fiery spirit and transform your ultra competitive child into a team player who doesn’t mind the odd loss? Thank you for tuning into another episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. Emails are open and while are podcast is nearly about to break for its summer holidays, emails will remain open all summer long. So please email any questions you have into [e-mail]. Come see Jarlath Regan's standup comedy show www.jigser.com/gigs

the roles are fully reversed this week on honey you're ruining our kid last week i was in absolute smithereens recording it i did not know how i was standing up and this week tina's the one who's sick i think you might have caught it off me yeah there's a chance possible do you know what i did wrong you shifted me i boasted about it yeah um it's like Do you know what I did wrong? You shifted me I boasted about it Yeah It's like boasting about your kid Going to sleep a lot On Saturday night

Getting laid to sleep In the TLT Coolest venue I've ever been in Shout out to the TLT The Tommy Leddy Theatre in Toronto Honestly Unbelievably The most ridiculously surprising venue

In the country Yeah It's in an industrial estate Yeah you think This couldn't be it Then you go through the doors And it's like being in the Grand Ole Opry Yeah. It's in an industrial estate. Yeah, you think, this couldn't be it. Then you go through the doors and it's like being in the Grand Ole Opry or something. It's like Narnia. You go through the doors of a unit

and suddenly you're in the most amazing theatre ever. With the most amazing staff. And you can go to Tesco's afterwards and do the big show. Yeah, yeah. Everything is there. Everything. It's amazing. Anyway, Eve Darcy, brilliant.

Charlotte's a brilliant support support act we're telling her how jarlett's been complaining non-stop for like two weeks now that's basically how it went down right i just looked to the camera there and i said and i don't even have an immune system and i haven't gotten sick at all the next day i had felt like i'd been run over by a bus and i was like i should never have boasted about not getting sick so yeah i'm sick but i'm totally dealing with it like i'm like powering true well you should never have boasted about being able to power true because now you really have to uh there's a lot of this going around if you're suffering with your kids with the raw throats and the coughs and the spluttering and there's more inhalers and antibiotics going at the moment i think it's the change in the weather it's the

bloody pollen i don't understand you blame the pollen for infecting people pollen is weird like what is going on with pollen i need someone to sit me down yesterday i was just covered in a rash i was like fuck's sake i look terrible now But that could have been the heat as well because it was fierce warm. For people, I know we have a lot of listeners in Abu Dhabi and Dubai. Yeah, we do. You're going, oh, what temperature was it? It was 23 degrees Celsius. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. And it was nearly, I hesitate to say it, too warm. But again, a side note here. Isn't it amazing how we got used to the heat? Because when we lived in St. Albans, it got really hot there, like proper hot. And yesterday, I didn't burn. And normally, I would have burned. Ten years ago, Tina, would have burned.

I'm so proud of myself. I've got freckles and no burn. Well, I went to hot yoga for a couple of years. And that adjusted me to that heat but i don't think that uh actually speaking of all of this summer stuff you are going to need to come over to patreon.com forward slash irishman abroad this week because we're going to do the top five things you need to get through this summer with your kids this is the essential list and it's all in the bonus section. Tina's put together this list. It's ridiculously helpful. And even as I was reading, I was going, oh my God, how have we

not done this till now? Because there's very short amount of time until your secondary school kids are off in Ireland. People in England now going, what? Three months holidays. It's why most secondary school teachers are secondary school teachers. But what are you going to do to entertain them? And how are you going to keep the peace? I'm panicking about how are we going to keep getting our work done? I mean, we don't want to ignore a child for a month. This is the big concern. It's like, how do you adjust the work-life balance to get it done

and not completely lose the run of them? We also have three brilliant questions, as always, submitted by you, the listeners, anonymously to honeyyou'reruiningyourkid at gmail.com. That's the email address. That will remain open all across the summer, even when we're out of term. Tina will be taking the questions

and we'll be compiling the best for next season. Because, as you know, this is a podcast that runs term to term so when the kids are on holidays and you don't have time to listen to us we won't be putting out a podcast you'll have the chance to go back and listen to the archive last year that seemed to be when most people caught up yeah which is amazing and we smart we get a big holiday let's get to it let's get question number one in the books so we know tina your fear that was established early doors when an alsatian jumped on the back of tina as a youngster as a young blondie hair child wandering around now and i'll say go away at the time and then the other incident

was obviously uh you being put in the pen in a pen with some dogs yeah my mom put the puppy in the playpen with me probably the most adorable thing ever yeah i don't remember that but it obviously went in it went in um and as a result tina's been working through her fear of dogs yeah for quite some time. And you've made massive progress. Yeah. Certainly from the first time we went on a date when you basically had to cross the road. Yeah.

No, it was terrible. Well, living in England helped. I mean, the dogs are everywhere there. They have more rights than people in England. Yeah. Now, the dogs are often, your Uber driver will be a dog. And you've just got to get used to that. You've just got to get your head around it.

I mean, they're just everywhere. It's the language barrier that's the biggest problem i did a terrible thing last night though because one of my nephews they have a new dog well it's a year old now but it's a huge dog it's like a i don't know a bear maybe i think it is partly yeah and they're not entirely comfortable with the dog yet because he's still a puppy oh she it's a she and they always try and jump the gate and get to the house before the dog knows they're there what a lovely relationship yeah and i as someone who has a fear of dogs and would never jump the gate with this dog like this dog would jump on me i would have a heart attack and die i called the dog and my little nephew turned around to me and went,

Tina, again! And I felt awful, but I really laughed, but I still feel bad about it. Sorry. Just sharing, just, you know, getting that off my chest. I don't go to confessions anymore. The reason I bring it up, though, is because it goes in. It does, doesn't it? These things go in.

I personally am fearless. You're fearless, are you? No fears whatsoever. I actually don't know what you're afraid of. You're afraid of yourself. What does that mean? Well, you give yourself a hard time. Afraid of myself?

I don't know. You're not afraid of anything, are you? What are you afraid of? I know what I'm afraid of, but I'll never reveal it. You're afraid of me. Sometimes. Fucking hell. Yeah, to a degree, yeah.

I now realise you're just better off doing whatever you tell me to do. Good afternoon, Jarentina. I have a very clever, generally happy, seven, nearly eight-year-old girl. She is great in school, has friends, plays well with her five, nearly six-year-old sister, and we have some normal behaviour stuff such as competitive, not eating vegetables, wanting to be on the screen. Her dad and I work full-time. She has a really close relationship with my parents who mind her and her sister after school each day and my husband's mother on a Friday. They are minded in our home and we do lots of activities over the weekends.

During the summer, they do a variety of camps in there and my husband and I try to take big chunks of time off separately together, depending on how work works. Anyway, this is all backstory, she says. When she was five, my eldest daughter was in a sports camp in a local school where she was in camp. While she was in camp, they were doing activities outside and she went to have a wee and was sent to go to the bathroom. When she finished, she realized she could not open the stall door. She was stuck in the cubicle for a full 15 minutes, before eventually getting out herself by sliding under the door. Clever kid.

She was hysterical, according to her sister. The camp never mentioned it to me, nor did she until a few days later. All was okay for a while while but it happened in a drama class again much shorter time and her friend called the teacher she had a great fear then of going by herself okay we just accepted this it's not when it's not when we are at home only in public or class she needs someone to come with her to the cubicle. Recently, her dad got stuck in a lift in her grandma's apartment building for a couple of hours. No dramas. She wasn't even there, but she heard about it.

Okay. Now we have a real problem. She will not go into a lift at all has nightmares about them falling and it brought up the whole being stuck in the cubicle again she's very scared now of small spaces in general it's affecting her going to the bathroom on time and her confidence I don't even know where to start please help wow that is so tough the first thing I think I should say is that it's really unfortunate that at that sports camp they sent a five-year-old off to the toilet by themselves I mean I think that's a bit young I'm an early years teacher I wouldn't do that I'd always make sure there was someone going to the toilet

to make sure because they they kind of still need a bit of help at that age and definitely need to be reminded to wash their hands so you need to have a grown-up around that's unfortunate that that happened to her because um obviously that was the first time down the camp so much though if every single kid needed a chaperone to the loo but when they could probably see the under six you need a you need someone to go with you but also look i know this is all by the by and it's all done now yeah a kid's missing from the camp for 15 minutes absolutely that's not a good camp no and the kid got not running it well i just think that's really unfortunate that that happened sliding underneath the door i know that's really clever have you ever been stuck in a cubicle like that i was stuck in a toilet in my nanny's house

when i was a little kid yeah it's so different when it's the house right yeah but if it's an actual cubicle i remember this happening to somebody on a shoot that I was doing. And the girl, she was a very tall girl. I remember this. She came in pissing herself laughing because she had to climb over the top of the thing. Oh, my God. I was like, you know, just panicked, though, because there was just nobody around. So I fully get, like, if a grown woman starts to feel panicked in that scenario it is gonna leave an imprint and also if you've had any kind of issues in a toilet cubicle you

know like it then becomes very hard no matter what age you are to go to the toilet like i remember being you didn't you rock a cubicle on me at a lesser picnic or something yes i did and that has ruined me in those i cannot relax no matter how much i need to eat i cannot do it sorry about this distraction from the story but i'm just laughing about it she was wearing a lovely white dress and i started rocking the port-a-loo that she was in it was awful it's terrible i am sorry for that because then i filmed you coming out yeah you're pale as a ghost i was i was traumatized i couldn't believe not only did you film me i didn't know it was you and i definitely didn't expect to see you and Mikey laughing about it.

On the floor. I was like. Okay. Now, this is serious. This is properly serious. You've moved by that. She's had it. No, I haven't.

I haven't moved by that. She's had a proper fright. And the thing is, what happened to her dad has made her feel like she's entitled to be afraid because look at this this is a grown-up this is someone i look up to i love and he also got stuck in the lift but he did get out so but it makes her think this is more common yeah this could happen anywhere even my big invincible dad can be trapped. I feel awful for her. She's genuinely worrying.

And the poor mom, but what a cool mom. I mean, I'm always amazed by these parents who get in touch. Like, honestly, you're so on it. I don't think these parents give themselves enough credit for how many parents out there are not seeing it you guys are incredible you all see these things and you think what can i do about that there's like 10 steps ahead of most people so please go easy on yourselves for that and what can what does she do i think they have to talk about it a lot okay that was my stomach you don't bury it no i think they really have to just allow her to talk about it as much as she needs to she needs to feel like

her fear is legitimate and when we make it small or we try and ignore it that will make that grow bigger she'll feel like she can't talk to anyone about it that no one understands and it'll become a little panic inside her as part of letting her talk about it is part of that actually getting her to say out loud the irrational fear yeah but it's also like what we know about this girl from the very first time it happened. She's resourceful. She figured out a way of getting out of that cubicle. And that's a massive strength here because a lot of kids aren't resourceful.

And we'll just sit on the toilet crying until someone realizes they're not there. So that's really great for this mom because now what she can do is she can say to her kid, OK, you're afraid of this happening. You're afraid of that happening. Let's always have a way of getting out, a way of fixing it. So, you know, tell me what you're afraid of. Now, let's talk it through and figure out what would we do? How would we MacGyver our way out of there?

I think that's great because the dad also got out of the lift. How do you get out of the lift? Eventually, the people who answer the phone got there and released him from the lift okay right a couple of things all right for starters you said you've got to make her feel like her fear is legitimate a lot of people will be going the other direction your fear is not legitimate and you need to bring them around to the idea that like this is an irrational fear she mentioned lifts falling that like her fear she won't go for fear that they're going to drop out of the sky. She's having nightmares about the functionality of the lift itself.

Yeah, well, to me, that seems very rational for a little girl to wonder about that stuff. It's not rational, though, in terms of how lifts nowadays work. You've often talked about kids that won't go poo that you've to get into the technicalities the mechanics of what's taking place oh yeah no absolutely i would go i didn't mean to cut you off there jerry but i would i would educate her on how lifts work i would definitely do that i would bring her around to different types of lifts all the different you know like the ones i don't know where these people live but you know in dundrum there's the glass lift and then you know in some places the lifts open on either

side there's all kinds of different ones i would definitely educate the safety components of these things means that like the movie idea of snipping the cord and slamming to the bottom of the shaft is just impossible. I definitely think that technically, if you want to overcome the lift thing and the danger and the fear of the lift falling or any of that, actually contacting somebody who works in the maintenance of these things and actually seeing them out for a day even and to show or them to show you how they work i'm sure there's youtube videos on this yeah i would go that'd be worthwhile yeah youtube is possible i was like that's not practical but a youtube video is possible yeah i mean it's awful because she's

she's genuinely afraid like and fear of small spaces i mean that can just come on you i was never claustrophobic. I definitely am now. And it is something you have to push through. And I feel awful. When did you start to become claustrophobic? Oh, well, that was different because I had this thing in my face. And I didn't realize that there was a pressure thing there, you know. And I know that.

You had a wad in your face. Are you comfortable saying it? Oh, I had a wad in your face are you comfortable saying it oh i had a tumor in my face right i didn't know about it for two years because i couldn't get anyone to believe me that there was something wrong in there and this is a side story of what is a very serious issue that he had the funniest darkest aspect of this story is she had it scanned went to the hospital and got the results of the scan rang me and said jar water relief i just got the results back they said it's mal this is malignant thank god i was like no benign is the word you're looking for oh shit i had to look up malignant then that's

that's the bad one so the actual tumor in your face made you claustrophobic? I think so. I think the pressure of it, because I didn't know I was claustrophobic until I started saying there's something around my face. And every time they tried to investigate it, I'd be like, oh, oh, I can't breathe. You'd panic. Yeah, yeah. So I think the fear of enclosed spaces is something you can look up.

Yes, it is. No, it's a real thing. And now it's been sparked here. Yeah, but there's a method of coping with that and dealing with that. Is there an argument for actually taking to a child psychologist who knows this is how you approach this this happens kids do get trapped and locked in places and there's a method for working through it yeah i think that could be an option but i would recommend first seeing if they could work through it themselves because that might make the problem bigger this little girl sounds really smart yeah all of a sudden she has to go to a doctor about this i mean it may be their only

option eventually but i mean maybe you can like you can go oh yeah well that is often what happens this is a tiny bit above our pay grade here well that is often what happens when you go to a child psychologist anyway you know they end up seeing the parents first for a few sessions. But I feel like the way of coping is, you know, counting or just closing our eyes and holding someone's hands. Like there are ways to help children through this. We're going to go on the lift now. We're going to close our eyes and we're going to count together. Like just different ways to get them to distract their brain while they're in the lift.

Isn't it a cautionary tale in how you tell your stories? Well, we all do that. I'm not blaming the dad here, but, you know, you're not aware of what's going to freak your kid out. Well, this is this is her personality, though. Like, I feel like I could relate to this kid. I was very serious child. I would worry about everything. Now, her personality maybe is to worry about stuff that might not happen.

And then someone has said something that maybe cropped into her mind before. And now she's like, well, that can happen. I've been in that lift and I worried about that happening. And now I know it can happen. So, I mean, it's not really, it's not the dad's fault if she's just a little worrier anyway, you know. But I think there are really good ways to help this mom. I think definitely allow your child to talk about it as much as she needs to. I would say even encourage her to have her little journal at night time.

She's not old enough to write, maybe, but she can draw. And all this stuff, just letting it out, let it all out. I definitely think that they should talk about what do we do if something happens? We always need a plan because that'll make the little girl. This is a resourceful little child. The fact that she went under that door, that is resourceful. That is clever. She figured a way out of there. And maybe to, you know, pepper her with

compliments like that throughout the day and, you know, be like, well, you always figure things out, you know, I'm going to try and be a bit more like you because when you're in a situation, you always figure a way out of it. I sense from the preamble to the question that there's a bigger thing here in terms of getting the grandparents on board and that she's really worried about well how do i like these are all great ideas but i'm working so i'm not there a lot of the time and i need my folks to have a very clear idea of how this is to be handled. And they, she may be implying that they're going, stop being so, this is nonsense now.

Yeah. Which is, snap out of it as the old school mental health technique. Yeah, that's a really, really, really good point. I was due. Yeah, I know what that is. And I hadn't thought about that. You know, she did mention her and her husband are at work and that the main carers are, you know. The folks.

Also, she did mention that this child is in school. So that's a brilliant opportunity for the teacher to get involved and to, you know, do all these role plays and stuff in the classroom. Like this is the kind of stuff you do at that age. So you bring it up with the teacher. Bring it up with the teacher, ask her to incorporate it into whatever topic they're doing. Talk about, you know, engineering, lifts, safety, all this stuff. Children will love that. That's where they can get the guy from the lifts or, you know,

the woman from the lifts industry to come in because we have that. You get visitors to come in and explain to kids or the fire brigade. A fire person coming in is amazing. You know, we used to have that locks and buckles board. Yeah, I love that. It was like made by who made the Melissa and Doug. Yeah. who made those melissa and doug yeah these and it was a board that had different types of locks chains and uh clasps to help the kid with their fine motor skills now i wonder just as a side note

if she's concerned about being locked in the bathroom again is it worth getting something like that where she knows and gets better and stronger with her hands to unlock doors and locks because geez these are all really good ideas like that's a good idea i'm on a roll guys that's a really good idea i should have a siren that goes off charlotte had a night that's a really good idea i mean i am a bit unwell today but like that's super good idea like allow her to be the one who opens the door when they get home when you're in a lift show her where the alarm is show her how the how it works how it works there is a safety mechanism in the yeah ring the alarm see if someone answers it nobody because i remember there was a lift where i used to work i used to do this joke on stage

and i said if the lift stops working dial 087-449-24906 and ask for sean not even and then somebody will come and help. Yeah. Can you imagine making that phone call? Is Sean there? No, not right now. Will you tell him I'm stuck in there? But like, there are two ties with people, aren't they?

Like, it's the yous and the me's. Like, I am the person who gets in a lift like this little girl and worries every single time. Oh, my God, is this going to break? And while I'm doing that, you've already jumped in the air in the lift and tried everything worse yeah like that time we were on that um ferris wheel and you were pretending to unscrew everything when we were stuck we actually got stuck then yeah yeah and i was like there's the people in the port-a-loo having the port-a-loo shaken people outside shakinga-loo shaken and people outside shaking it. Yeah.

I hope this helps. Well, I have to get back to this, Mum, yet. I am really sorry I'm very behind, but I think this is good and I'll also have a bit more of a plan for her. Yeah, well, this is a question about fears, phobias. And if you have something else, this is a very common thing. Get in touch, honey, ruiningourkid at gmail.com. Hi, Tina and Jar. Irish mum living in California.

California. I can't wait to go to California with the tour next year. It's going to be absolutely amazing. I just never, you're going to move to America and we're never going to see you again. I'll commute, I'll commute. Boston, show in boston went on sale last week should say

i will come back to the email but this is a huge extra show that we've added in boston and the tickets are flying out the feckin door i can't believe it but uh the link is there at jigsaw.com forward slash gigs i love the podcast says this month and you previously gave us game-changing advice on how to help our daughter stay calm when changing her nappy by creating picture cards that show her what to expect now and next i love this mom i remember this month my lovely and feisty 22 month old has started throwing things she's not supposed to throw love it yeah absolutely i love seeing a kid frisbee a pancake across a restaurant certain toys food milk etc at first it was just when she got frustrated with something for example

if she couldn't stack her Duplo bricks properly, she'd throw them in frustration. Oh my God, I love her. She's only 22 months. Screw these fucking bricks. She's 22 months. That must be the cutest thing ever to see that. Yeah, fuck these bricks.

When that happens, we try to say calmly, we only throw balls, not toys. I'm sorry for doing a really offensive American accent there. And praise her. And she's right. Like, we only throw balls, not other toys. It's the perfect sentence. It's the first thing I would have said to her.

That's exactly what every teacher says. That's what throwing is for. And praise her for holding her toy or throwing a ball. Or if we notice she's about to throw something we say hold hold the toy or put it down gently we don't throw toys literally drop the gun she must have good aim now she sometimes throw things without warning and seemingly without much reason. For example, she'll be drinking her cup of milk and then wham, throws it on the floor with a giggle. Now, that's the revealing part to me. The giggle.

We think because she knows she's not supposed to do it, this second kind of throwing is really hard to anticipate and get in the middle of and we're not sure how best to deal with it we try to give it little or no reaction when it happens and involve her in wiping it up or excellent putting the cup or toy she threw back where it was and when she's doing a good job of drinking and eating and playing we try to praise her to reinforce the good behavior so that when we do react to the throwing it doesn't feel as good as that praise and this just seems textbook Tina yeah she's brilliant she's like how you're gonna do everything yeah she's doing everything she needs to do but it's not really working we could really use some advice i spoke with her daycare and they said she's not doing it there right well that's another breakthrough actually really good

news yeah i mean she knows she's not yes she says this is great but it also means it's something to do with being at home with us thanks again for this wonderful gift that is your podcast i learn so much every week and thoroughly enjoy the dynamic between the pair of you wow what a cool email what nice well like that is really hard because like she's doing it all she's so doing a great job right we. We know, we know why kids throw. And when a child gets in the habit of throwing in frustration, it can actually become quite dangerous. I remember getting like knocked out in my classroom. One of the kids threw a wooden airplane.

Oh, I remember that. And it wasn't throwing it at me. But unfortunately, it was throwing at somebody else as I walked by and uh like literally took me out like it is so hard to not react to the throwing when they're tiny like I'm talking about a four-year-old there but this is a tiny cutie booty little 22 month old child she's not even two and sassy it's such sassy behavior I mean it's so hard not to find that cute and at some point there has to have been laughter because she has associated it with being a funny silly thing to do so I mean the mom already knows not to give it attention you need

to nearly act like it hasn't happened. Now, I want this mom to watch out for it while she's getting her to help with the cleanup, which is absolutely perfect. There's a chance she's enjoying that as well. You know, the way little kids this age especially love to be busy and part of everything. So just be careful because if she's doing it so she gets to clean it up you know and gets to have the whole like little pad you know busyness of that you might just have to for a little while um not react to the throwing clean it up yourself and just not

say anything about it at all yeah so kind of blank faces yeah blank faces no it's the eye contact okay it's the eye contact now i'm never suggesting ever to be cruel or unkind to your child but if you really want them to know that this is not okay i'm not getting feedback for this it's the eye contact you to really watch out for um can i throw a suggestion in is that there an argument here for getting in like a small basketball hoop or game where it's like we really localized throwing well that's exactly what you would do in a classroom if you had a kid who kept throwing and needed to throw well there's a need there there's a need to throw so you would actually have activities for them to do you could even have a throwing box a box full of stuff that when they need to throw they go to and they can do

their throwing i would definitely sign her up to some kind of activity because she's baseball but she is showing like an interest. 22 month old baseball. Genius. That's not too young at all. But definitely like there's so many tiny little basketball hoops. And so if you're right, like she's got an interest to do it. But I really feel like there's a frustration here on her part because it's talking. Vocab.

Now, mostly when children react this way is because they can't get the words to come out that they want to say in those moments so they'll act out you know right so i would say to this mom she really needs to start working with her 22 month old on saying i want you know whatever it is tiny simple sentences and if you can look up some signs it's just a type of communication yeah if you can look up some signs for that like you know or just make up your own i mean any sign language will help you're a tiny little kid they need to be able to express and when they can't that frustration can lead to biting throwing pulling smashing you know it's really really hard really really hard and uh just taking those moments to be like i see you i can see that you're angry about something tell mommy what is wrong i can help you she needs to know that this is an opportunity for speech

not using our hands and destroying but blank automaton faces when it happens yeah and then working on the language and outside of that and this is amazing because she's looking for the cues so when she sees she's about to throw something the next time go to her enter a level look her in the eye and say i can see that there's something happening you're thinking about something what do you want mommy can help you she just needs to kind of spoon feed her child into knowing that this is when you use speech this is when we need you to talk use your words and then we can help you you know she hasn't she's going to explode into language soon, hopefully. It's tough because I'd imagine that if mom tries to do this,

that there will be a little bit of dad saying she's just being bold. I don't know. Well, I don't know. These parents. Who knows? One or other will definitely think more than the other that this is just devilment. Well, yeah, but dad's gonna see really quickly that she's going to try and copy the i so right now i'm pointing at myself i and

then i'm doing a w sign down want and then say it was a drink i would just whip my hand make it into shape of a cup drink and then you get your daughter this age it's perfect i want drink she is going to love having the tools to communicate and you've already done the picture board with her so it may be just a little picture board of things around the house that she likes to have that if she isn't able to sign or attempt to say you can be like what is it you want show me which picture because frustration at this age normally stems from not being able to vocalize we've seen that yeah we've definitely seen that i hope this helps get in touch we'd love to hear how this plays yeah and such a cute question

it's our final question before we head to the top five things you're going to need this summer to help parent your kids. That's over on Patreon in the bonus section. But this is our final question, and it's a subject that probably has come up in the summer, because that's when you as a family are going to play more, be together more, and see the wrinkles and creases there in terms of how you're socializing with each other and how Ajay's is your no crack. Oh God, why are you taking me so seriously? It's going to emerge.

So this is it. I have a five-year-old son and a four-year-old son. My older son did not handle losing at all, especially when playing his younger brother. I mean, that's a whole bag of snakes, isn't it? Yeah. Just being beaten by the lesser, the underdog, toppled Goliath. And Goliath is not having it. I signed them up for soccer. But my older son is giving me a hard time. As soon as he loses at a one-on-one game or other team games, he runs to me crying and does not want to play anymore. I keep talking to him about we lose, we win, and it's just a game, but he does not like that. He either wants to win or to cry, to quit, even at home with any game we play. Yesterday, I had to promise him to get him a toy

if he stands up and rejoins his team to finish the practice. Luckily, he scored in a 1v1 and I noticed that he ran to his friends who he just met, screaming, I won, I won, I did, I did. Or did you see that? As he needs the attention.

What do you do about this? It's reaching a point where everybody can tell that he's not normal, inverted commas, and it is problematic to him. Yikes. Well, what age did they say they were? Five? The older lad's five, the younger lad's four. Okay, five years old. Okay, so very much in the area of fairness at the moment and what fairness means to them, okay? And in his world, fairness means if he's playing a game, he should win,

okay? And that is just what he understands right now. And yeah, it is the job of the parent, coach, and his teachers to re-educate him to the fact that taking part should be fun, and winning is a hopeful byproduct of the fun you have while playing the game. is a hopeful byproduct of the fun you have while playing the game. Super hard to teach that if the kid's personality is, only winning means anything to me. I don't want to be here for the losers. And we see it all the time.

These kids are so passionate about it. But I do not believe it's a bad thing. And I just feel like there's a different way of talking to these kids. I think, first of all, if they're crying and refusing to take part in the game, let them live in that. Do not bring them home, but do not promise them anything else. They've made a choice. Let them live in that. Let the team see that. Let the coach see that. Let them live in and reflect upon their decision to exit from the game. They should not be rewarded for that behavior. With attention or otherwise?

Attention or anything. Just don't even get into it. Give yourself a break in those moments. Give zero shits about what the other parents are thinking about you in that moment and just be patient, be quiet, and allow your child to figure that shit out on his own. You do not need to beg him to go back into the game. You do not need to do that.

There's a coach there. That's their job. And if they really need him back in the game, they should come over and talk to him. I feel for these parents who are like pleading with their kids. It's like, don't care about what other people are thinking. That's your kid's power. So hard to do though, isn't it? Your kid's power. The eye is on you though, and you're like, none of the other kids are thinking. That's your kid's power. So hard to do though, isn't it? Your kid's power.

The eye is on you though. And you're like, none of the other kids are doing this. Yeah, but your kid's power is them knowing you're embarrassed. Them knowing, oh, mom will do whatever it takes now. This is kind of my area as well. Because,

long blink by Tina. Because I'm a coach. No, I'm joking. You're a very good coach, Darlene. You are. You are. But I really feel, though, with this, like, the thing I wanted

to say was, they need to explain to this kid that your passion is actually going to be the thing that makes you great. Well, you know, we've given this answer before, right? And I've thought about it since then. Okay. And around, you know, at five, we're getting it wrong.

Yeah. He's learned this wrong. He's learned this wrong. Well, I don't think it's that he's learned it. Hang on one second. Some kids are innate. It's innate in them to want to win. I don't think that.

I actually think this is learned behavior from watching sports, from seeing and feeling what winning feels like versus losing. Right. what winning feels like versus losing right and that he is not familiar with the idea that the aim of the game is to have fun i am sure that you are correct in saying that but i'm sorry from what i've seen it definitely there definitely is a personality who does not enjoy the game unless they win. And it's your job as the grown up to help get them there and to teach them that, you know, fun. The primary goal here is to have fun and get on with your friends and want them to play with you again. Return business.

Yeah, return business. That's what I thought. That we're never going to get another game of this. No, yeah. If we carry on like this. Now, how do we get there? How do we get there? Practice.

Well, here's my idea, right? I'm going to throw this out. And I know you're blinking hard because I've had a couple of good ideas in this podcast. It feels like I'm reaching for another one. But this is just from the little bit of coaching that I've done over the years. that I've done over the years. What I think works is actually taking your kid to see another kid who does this.

You really think that? Yeah. But you could never say it. No. He's got to see what it looks like. He's got to feel like he's more mature than a kid that does this.

I'm not sure that would work in a five-year-old. No. If he sees other people rolling their eyes, other teammates on another squad, and I mean this could be in a movie, in a TV show,

it can literally just be don't do what Donnie Don't does. Yeah, I do too. Seeing it. Literally seeing, I do that. And he'll join those dots because he'll be like, hmm. It's like it is like any other behavior where you're like you say to your kid you point out jesus that's terrible that kid

is doing it isn't it that must make his teammates feel terrible i think that uh this is more powerful than the directive of you don't do that like i i don't agree with the site and i've said to them um watch how this impacts watch this just watch how this fair enough but i just feel like there's an opportunity with these kids to just redirect the energy, you know, redirect their need to win into being, you know, a more teamful player. Is that a word? Teamful? But also telling them, you know, take that energy and practice, you know, you know, get good at the sport in different ways. And this determination you have is going to be your strength. But you have to manage it better because you're not playing as part of the team. Right. But what her problem is in this question, though, Tina, is, and we've had this on the show a couple of times over the past couple of seasons. I've had this on the show a couple of times over the past couple of seasons. The kid that is like feigning illness once it's not going their way.

Yes. It's no different from the kid that flips the Monopoly board. Yeah. It is all part of the same problem. Yeah. That the rough with the smooth. Yes. The highs and the lows.

They're just the same. I always think about that Yanis Antetokounmpo speech, and we should nearly drop it in here. There is no winning. There is no losing. There is only playing. You know, Michael Jordan loses for nine seasons and then wins six championships. Were those nine seasons a failure? No.

They are what got him to six championships. And I know this kid's only five. Yeah. But we recommended in a previous episode a game called Password, which this kid would definitely be able for. It's an old game. It can be found. I'm sure there's a version of it available for a smartphone. And the purpose of this game and the point of this game is to build vocabulary. It gets them better under pressure.

Yes. But the wins and the losses come so thick and fast. Yeah. Nobody has a chance to get too excited about a win or a loss. So it's kind of preparing them for any sort of losing, getting them practiced, as you say, in. I suffered a defeat. No big deal. Next round. But see, the problem for this child is that his four-year-old brother isn't like this. He's the opposite. And that is always going to amplify his behavior. It's always going to make him look awful because the younger brother is actually handling and going, you know, like it does sometimes come down to their personality.

And that's why they do need the support and help and the practice of playing games and stuff, because sometimes they just really need it. Like they don't even want it. They feel like they need it or they can't be happy. And it's just helping them through that and, you know, retraining that urge in them. Yeah. So I think that like you, you know, I wasn't thinking as much about the younger brother there. But when she said about, I did that, did you all see that? that doesn't that hint at uh a sibling rivalry situation where a younger version has arrived is probably the new cutie pie yeah he's probably more easygoing there's some of that maybe he's getting things faster than his older brother did we do have to be careful about language when kids

are so close together but like he's trying to prove a point. Definitely. There's an urgency in this kid and just have to be careful of not making him feel like that's a bad thing about him. Right. Funnelling in that to be a positive while teaching him to get better at dealing with it.

You've got a fire inside you. Let's use it. Because there are parents out there who would fucking love to have fire inside their child. So Let's use it. Because there are parents out there who would fucking love to have fire inside their child. Yeah, exactly. So it's all about nurturing it. Yeah, there's parents

out there going, he doesn't care what wins or loses. Yeah. Well, I hope that's helpful. Doesn't even know what team he's on. That's it.

That's the end of our free episode on the free platform. Steena, thank you so much. Three phenomenal questions. Come on over to Patreon and hear the rest of our conversation with on the free platform. Tina, thank you so much. Three phenomenal questions. Come on over to Patreon and hear the rest of our conversation

with the top five things you're going to need this summer to help you parent your kids. Tina, fun chat as always. Thank you so much.

Well done you. You were on the ball today. Come out and see the show. We've got a couple of tickets left in Monaghan at the Garage Theatre this Thursday at Porta Ferry

a place I've never been before Portico the most beautiful art centre I've ever seen couple of tickets left there and some balcony seats

this Saturday night at the Marketplace in Armagh oh I love that theatre that is one of the most beautiful theatres and Armagh is gorgeous Armagh is amazing

you can't wait for it Tina thanks so much we'll see you over on the other side on Patreon