Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - Walking It Back, When Parents Blow Their Top! - Christmas Special - S2E15

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

We have three very different parenting scenarios to discuss today on the podcast. Welcome to the Christmas episode of Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid. Our very last episode of 2023. We want to say a huge thank you to all of you sound heads!! You guys are the reason our show is growing and growing. We are so grateful to you, our listeners, for making our show what it is today. There will be no podcasts over the Christmas holidays but emails, as always, will remain open. Get in touch anytime, we will be there for you, email - [e-mail]. Question 1- Unsupervised 14 Year Old Vacation?At what age is it appropriate for your teenagers to go away on holidays together? A very worried mum has gotten in touch to see if she’s being unfair by not allowing her 14 year old daughter to go away on an unsupervised holiday. Is she being unreasonable? Are other parents allow similar trips? Question 2- Coping With Grief.We all cope and deal with grief in our own way. When grown ups struggle with grief how can we expect our children to be able to understand or comprehend what they are going through. In this week's episode we try our best to help a mom guide her child through the loss of not only her grandad but her father as well. Question 3-  My Kid Won't Talk To Me?A mom and dad get in touch about their struggle to get their 11 year old daughter to open up. How do we help our children process their feelings, reflect on their day and then get to a place where they want to share their experience with their parents?We hope everyone has a very special Christmas holiday season. Podcasts will be back in January but emails will remain open. Pop any question over to [e-mail]. Over on Patreon Tina examines the options facing parents who regret getting upset with their kids at Christmas. How to best walk it back without losing respect? Jarlath Regan | creating Irishman Abroad Podcasts | Patreon

Happy crazy Christmas week everybody out there thank you for downloading honey you're ruining our kid thanks for subscribing rating commenting and all the emails Tina in fairness we had trouble finding the right questions for today's show because so many of the emails you've been getting are just people going it's working and that's really yeah okay i didn't know where you were going with that but that's yeah we um a lot of emails in the last few weeks update emails which have been just incredibly emotional for me to read but i'm just so excited that this is our second christmas of doing the show and it's still people are still enjoying it people are still doing it and you know it's working for a lot of people without a shadow of a doubt people are

heading into the hardest parenting few weeks of the year we we always end up devoting three or four episodes to this time of year because you're literally giving your kids to see the keys to the city and then expecting them to behave normally. Well, it's the week we all make bad decisions as well. We'll all panic by the present. That will be too much. Yeah. I mean, Jarlet's had to talk me out of a few Xbox decisions,

which I'm like, what am I thinking? Yeah, I don't know what you're thinking. 700 euro. Because you're the very one that would advise people not to. I know, but I'm panicking because it's so hard to know what to get your kids when they get to that age where they don't actually want anything. That was so easy when I go. The other thing you say about bad decisions,

a lot of the bad decisions that you're going to have to witness this Christmas are going to be on the part of people who aren't you, but are around your kids and have decided they know what's best for them. Oh, God, you're so right. That's the tricky one, right? aren't you but are around your kids and have decided they know what's best for them oh god you're so right that's the tricky one right because they don't even have to be related to you you can just be out with friends and they'll be like yeah the problem at christmas is everyone's having a few more drinks in their hand and they kind of think emboldened in the booze yeah so you're just like well you know contradicting your parenting choices in front of

your kid that is a red flag that's a tough one but you also have said years and years of telling me that you don't go flatly contradict anybody in front of your kid if you want to avoid arguments you say can i have a word with you out here for a sec i just need to show you we forgot one thing in the car yes and you go to the car and go i'm your parent yeah i said red flag there i meant to say red rag red rag yeah yeah two very different things so right you need to remember in that moment to to do what you just said come here i gotta show you this thing or come here i need your help with this thing in the other room and then get down to 11 and say you need to stop what you're doing is not okay i'm giving you a warning this is your chance exactly and people that are listening to this podcast right now chances are you've pulled yourself away from things for five minutes gone for a walk with

the dog or sat in the car and been like okay i need just a little breather here if you walk away with nothing else from today's episode, and I do stress this, we have got three fantastic questions coming up. So do stick around. That, pull them, pull them. Drag them out of the room, not like in a headlock,

but just go, hey, I just remembered something quick. I need you to out here for a second. I know, I'm a little bit more conscious of how we're doing the episodes now because this last week especially, I had people getting in touch saying that they tend to go back to a certain part of an episode to revisit the advice. Yeah. And that makes me a bit nervous because I'm like, well, what if I was, you know, waffling off in those moments or something, you know.

Tina, don't ever worry about that. I'm the only waffler on this show. And if you'd like to come and see me waffling, I'll be waffling all around the UK and Ireland over the next year. The Your Man Tour that Tina has helped me organise. I owe Tina a massive debt of gratitude for helping me with the Your Man Tour and being the tour manager every step of the way. It's coming everywhere.

It's going to be in Dublin, in the Olympia for four nights. That's fully sold out in January. It's crazy. Limerick, Dundrum, all of those are are sold out but there's loads and loads of days just go to jigser.com forward slash gigs we'd love to meet you at one of the shows we always come out afterwards and have chats with people and a couple of times and we have met some of you guys we have and it's been amazing and it's been very awkward for Tina she She does not know what to do. I'm getting better. Questions coming up on today's show. When is it the right time to let your kid go on holidays with friends?

We also talk about someone with. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I was just going to say we talk about grief. Grief. Yeah. Of course. Christmas, of course, puts a microscope on that.

And our third and final question from a listener who's had tina's tapas change her life the method of getting your fussy eating kid to eat at the table uh we are we cover more eating stuff because christmas again it's gonna be weird stuff on the table and you're gonna be like try the crown brings us your granny's gonna go out if you don't try it yeah yeah exactly we're all under pressure and someone got in touch with me during the week to be like um they tagged me in a video where a really nice parenting coach is using quoting our tina's tapasestry yes i saw this and the mom was giving you your credit yeah she is crediting me and the mom got in touch worried that i would be upset but of course i'm not i the more people that know about this approach and it's not my approach as i said i someone passed it on to me

and it really works so the more people who avail of this the less stressful mealtimes we have out there and the less stressed out eaters or weird food attachments we have. The final thing we're going to talk about on today's show is when you have your meltdown, when you get it wrong. And Tina, we all get it wrong. Yeah, of course. The whole thing about Honey, You're Ruining Our Kid is everyone is learning on the fly here. And sometimes you'll discipline your kid and realize you went too far. Absolutely. How do you put that genie back in the bottle?

Tina's got some great stuff on this. We all do that Christmas especially. Walking it back. Walking it back. You'll need this. You'll need to hear this. The final thing we're going to talk about today. But let's get to question number one.

thing we're going to talk about today but let's get to question number one i think one of the top three sentences you're going to hear this christmas are mom you're so unfair you uh that'd be number one mom why are you so mean to me number two i didn't do anything i didn't do anything when you've been caught doing something. I can't cope with that. That's the killer. That's the killer. It's like, I watched you do it. And then when they... I didn't. And then you're like, didn't they?

Am I crazy? Yeah, you just got gaslit by a kid. Yeah, I'm like, yay. This question definitely is producing that sentence. I heard you say that to Mikey the other day. You said, you're gaslighting me. I nearly rolled up. He was. He was. He really was. You've got to Mike the other day. You said, you're gaslighting me. I nearly rolled up. He was.

He was. He really was. You've got to stamp out that thing. Tina and Jar, your podcast brings me so much joy. I have told all my friends to listen to it. Good woman. That is how the promotional strategy of On Your Rainier Kid works. We need that.

Here's how we do it, guys. Just so you know, if you're wondering, we invest nothing in promotion whatsoever. We ask you to do it for us. If you enjoy the show, please tell people. If you don't, the show goes away. That's how it works. We like to put the imperative on you. I have a bit of a weird question for you, this listener says.

What are your thoughts on the appropriate age for a teenager to go on holiday with their friends? For me, if it's a girl, never. Oh, Charlotte, you can't a girl never i'm only joking okay girls and boys mix uh with no adult supervision she says that's the deal on this holiday now it's just my daughter is only get ready for it strap in guys 14 oh well no no no no tina now Tina just snapped I was like if they're in leaving cert I don't know

like that's crazy early oh god there's some detail here do you want to read out that last sentence it's just my daughter is only 14 has just started

menstruating and it just all seems a lot it definitely seems like a lot it was so much that I didn't even want to read it out yeah oh my god And it just all seems a lot. It definitely seems like a lot. It was so much that I didn't even want to read it out. Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's really old as well. So she's not used to that whole rigmarole of the monthly lovely girliness. I'm not used to it. I'm 43 years old. And I definitely have them. God, I can't wait to not have them anymore. That's the only good thing about getting older. I can't wait to not have my periods anymore.

So you think it's a straight no at 14 years old hell no she's not able to go away on her own where are they gonna go who's gonna take a bunch of 14 year olds without any yeah that's true there is that they must be going to somebody's house maybe it's like a i mean it's it's so not okay that no legal establishment will allow that group to gather together without adult supervision. But what if she's a very mature 14? I don't care. I'm sorry.

I know I'm being very like, no, it's too young. That's way too young. But that's it. That's your advice here. Yeah. She said, she didn't say, what's your advice?

She said, when do you think? When do you think? I think they should be at least in their leaving cert or their senior years of school she's probably only just started secondary school I can't believe that we've even been sent this email

I think that mum's really nice and maybe she just doesn't want to say no or maybe she wants to play this for her 14 year old and she's like mum you told me I'm just doing a must reading

why did you do that it all just yeah no she wouldn't like this i think she just needs to feel like she's not a bad mom she says no because honestly teenager sorry jerry i didn't mean to but teenagers are so tricky i find myself the whole time being like, am I being a cool mom now? Like, is this cool? You've got to put that out of your head. It's so hard, though, because they look true.

Tina, you don't worry about being cool. I do. 90% of the time. The way you dress, the way you talk. In real life, I do not care about being cool. Thank you, Gerard. The way you dance. Okay, Gerard. With Mikey, I just don't know if he'll like me.

I mean, he thinks you're the biggest niece. Get over that as well. I remember Louis C.K. saying this on stage, that I'm not your friend to his kid. I'm your dad. Yeah. Well, Louis C.K. had a lot of other... He had a lot of other issues, to be honest, too.

But it's a point, isn't it? That this is a question about the relationship between you and your kid this is about you making a call for your kid yeah that is in their interest that you can't do that it's my job to make those calls yeah i think there's options here i think the mom can say to this girl i'd love to be able to let you go off and do this but like it's not actually okay i mean you're not you wouldn't love to no you could pretend but then you can say why don't you guys go together to like a trampoline park no you know what i mean like to like a camp why don't you guys find like a guail talked or something like that

some kind of summer experience where you can all go and hang out together and have fun but it's safe and there's grown-ups there to mind you because you're 14 years old why don't you guys do the opposite of what you're planning yeah here's the other side of this that i feel like this mom is not telling us and that she can't that the other moms of the other 14 year olds have said it's okay i feel like that's why now that's a whole dilemma that's underneath this question that probably other parents need answered what do i do if all the parents in my parents group have agreed to let the kids do something that i fundamentally disagree with well we find ourselves in that that like last year in the school mike he was in in sixth class oh yeah they kept allowing their kids to do a lot of stuff

like the kids are going out for dinner tonight what on their own once yeah but that was still bizarre everyone it was the final day of school and everyone was like i guess they're going out for dinner together but they had no way of getting no to an actual restaurant who the hell is going to pay for it but they all went and it all got paid for and i was like this is bananas it was bananas but you know the thing that again tina has taught me is the ability of parents to erect roadblocks and oh unfortunately your father has business that night yes whatever night it is yeah you don't have to poo-poo it straight away that's a really lovely idea yeah maybe unfortunately that's just a really busy time for this i've got this thing on yeah maybe another time yeah i mean

that's a cowardly way out though 14 year olds shouldn't be going away on holidays without adult supervision that's just saying you don't trust me yeah i don't i'm sorry you're 14 you don't trust yourself tina no it's probably all ahead of us our lad is 13 if you haven't been keeping up with the show and uh i i really am proud of him and the lad he is and his level of maturity. But we don't know what this person is dealing with. No, we do not know. Last week we had someone who had discovered that their kid was having sex via a breach of privacy, looking at their phone and finding out. Go back and listen to that episode because it's all in this wheelhouse of, well, what calls can I make? How do I step in?

Yeah. This is a preemptive step in. You're stepping in before it gets out of hand because it's obvious that 14-year-olds cannot look after themselves. By law. Yeah. The law is on your side here. Where are they going? I'd like to know. In the case of the sex, the law wasn't on your side.

You think it's too young, but the law says it isn't. No, but this is unusual. Definitely. And I'm sorry that like Tina is wearing a pair of shorts for this podcast and they're lovely shorts, Tina. But you just lifted up your shorts and I was like, what the fuck is going on? I can't believe you're saying that. It completely threw me. It completely threw me.

She's like, fixed her shorts. I did not lift up my shorts. But you fixed your shorts. I'm wearing a short, a skirt and shorts combo. Yeah, you like lifted up your skirt. I was like, what the fuck? I lifted it up to fix it. But it totally threw me.

Okay. Totally threw me. This is the problem with trying to record a podcast with somebody who you fancy intensely. Oh, God. Shut up, Meredith. That's what happens. Occasionally, you're going to become aroused during the podcast. Okay, okay.

Stop talking. I'm like, God, stop talking. Stop lifting up your skirt during the podcast to put me off. I didn't know that. You're short i think it's very obvious that you can say to this kid i get that this is an idea that you all would love to do and when i was 14 i'd love to do it too but the law doesn't allow me no to do it no and you nearly have to have the testicular fortitude

to say it to the other parents that I'm afraid, guys, that if something happened, we actually, insurance-wise, we wouldn't be covered. No, you'd get in big trouble. So I think it must be someone's house. But anyway, I agree with what you said, Charlotte.

That is the first time that has ever happened. For those of you that don't know, Tina is maybe the most easily scared human being on the planet. It's true. You can literally go boop and Tina will jump out of her skin. And it's not just jump out of my skin. I very much feel like I'm having a heart attack. Yeah, she thinks she's about to die.

She also believes in a whole host of bullshit. Oh, don thinks she's about to die. I'm very anxious. She believes in a whole host of bullshit. Oh, don't bring that up, please. If you bring up vampires, I will Oh no, it's in the room. You brought up vampires. I was going to talk about zombies. Oh, come on. I feel like

all of your credibility as an early learning expert. Yeah, I also believe it's like when Dwight on The Office figured out that the Michael Scott paper company was in trouble. And James said, well, what other mysteries have you solved? Satina, tell us about your fears. Zombies, vampires, the occult. If you were in an interview to get a high paid role as an early learning expert,

if you somehow dump this podcast someday to go out on your own, I am going to tip off that interview panel to go right when she's nearly got it. I'll say, ask her for her opinion on vampires and your opinion on vampires is they live they walk amongst us no i and i could potentially be one don't say that i obviously know they're not real but sometimes jordan's very scary you pretend that you're a vampire. I am. Oh, Jared, shut the fuck up. Oh, I am aging in reverse.

We went to this place called Zero Latency for Mikey's birthday. I don't know if we've talked about this. It is a VR experience. Oh, my God. Put on the headset and enter a new reality. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done. Shoot zombies. We have to shoot zombies.

When I say I couldn't stop cursing the whole time. They couldn't give us the video afterwards because it was just you going, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. This is not good. This is not good. It was really scary. It was so scary. I could feel my heart beating in my nose. I had to keep taking it off they were

so nice to me they kept going you're doing so well i was like i'm not doing well laughing their holes off that was horrific tina was like uh you know in stand by me when verno when ver you know in stand by me when verno is left on watch and he's jumping around the tree with the gun because he keeps hearing sounds. That was Tina. She was absolutely terrified. Unfortunately, Tina, as much as I find it very funny, as much as I'm concerned for you, I find it funnier when you're scared. It's not nice. Do you know the meanest thing Jarlett did to me? He brought me to see 28 Days Later and never told me

what the movie was about. But he was like, Cillian Murphy's in it. He's been stuck in a hospital. I was like, oh my God, I love Cillian Murphy. We should go.

I nearly vomited and died during that movie. I believe there was a time when people didn't know who Cillian Murphy was. Oh, I knew Cillian Murphy was. Oh, I know, Tina. Oh, I knew Cillian Murphy. Oh, I know, Tina.

Oh, I knew. I knew very well who Cillian Murphy was. I went to see Disco Pigs and I knew him before everybody else. You went to that movie and you were excited for a little bit of Cillian Murphy eye candy. And what you got was a little bumblebee little I didn't for a second expect it to be a zombie movie so that was the worst thing that you've ever done to me right let's let's bang on well why are you bringing that up anyway that I'm always so frightened well I was gonna bring up how I frightened you this weekend that wasn't funny not funny that was not funny I felt

terrible afterwards. We were staying in Inchidani and the road from Plannachilty to Inchidani is terrifying. Jarla was kicking late. We had Mikey with us, so I couldn't go to the gig. And then I'm like waking up from my sleep the whole time checking if he's home,

texting him, no message back. So I wake up and I look at my phone and there's no message. And I think, oh my God, Jarla's so mocked back. I hope he's okay. And then I look up and in look at my phone and there's no message. And I think, oh, my God, Jarrah's so mocked back. I hope he's OK.

And then I look up and in the corner of the room, he's sitting in the corner of the room with a baseball cap on, daring at me. And then I start screaming. And then he's like, what's wrong with you? I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're sitting in the corner of the room with a baseball cap on. Just someone was going to assassinate me and then I went back to sleep and I saved my anger for the morning

you were so scared that you went straight back to sleep my biggest fear is definitely people go what's your biggest fear death you're afraid of dying you're not afraid of dying we're all going to die

what's the point of being afraid of it your human instinct is to try and avoid it our next question is about grief oh god this is a very strange way into it sorry Tina and Jarrah need your help I'm not sure what to do anymore and I'm looking for any kind of advice on how best to help our almost four-year-old daughter she recently lost both her grandfather my dad dad, who she was extremely close to, and her father. Oh, God. Within a few months of each other. My father passed away in late August and her dad passed away in late September. This is a tough gear change, but this is reality. I mean, this happens and there probably are people listening to this who've had similar losses.

So we have to address it on the podcast because I'd imagine Christmas is going to be the worst. Yeah, Christmas is hard for everyone. I have explained to her that they are in heaven now as angels and explained that they both had been very sick. My father had emphysema, lung issues and was on oxygen. Her father, who I was not with and was going through a pretty awful custody visitation battle with, had severe alcoholism and smoked like a chimney, as well as many other mental and physical illnesses. I did not go into detail on their sicknesses. The issue is she still seems to be thinking of

them often and having a hard time with them not being around. She gets very anxious and asks a lot of questions if anyone is sick at all and seems to be even more clingy, like she's afraid I may be next. She hasn't been sleeping well, grinds her teeth at night, which she always kind of did, but it's gotten way worse and has had some behavioral meltdowns. I hate seeing her so worried, but don't know what else I can say that could help her. I do plan on mentioning to her doctor as well and see if they can recommend a counselor or something like that. and see if they can recommend a counsellor or something like that.

Oh God, well, absolutely easy to understand why she's become so worried. Because two people, two main characters in her life, died in succession of each other. And to a little four-year-old, her circle is already tiny. And now two of those people. So, wow, that's so tough. Thank God she has a mother who is able to see that there's more going on here than just a little girl being sad. So that's an incredible tool this girl has already. So I feel like this mom, thank you for getting in touch, but also well done on knowing this is a big deal. There's many parents out there who are like she's four so she won't remember let's just get through this okay obviously this girl has big feelings so my first thing would be to make sure you're talking

about them all all the feelings and how all feelings are okay i'm always saying this you gotta get your children open and honest about how they are feeling. Name their feelings. Acknowledge their feelings. If she's sad, allow her to be sad. When she's angry about it, let her be angry. That's okay because those are normal feelings about grief. Another incredible tool for a four-year-old are books. Read loads of lovely books with her, like The Invisible String, No Matter What. Yeah, go back to the books episode to hear about all of those books. Yeah, read those books that have beautiful messages in it

that will help her process these worries she has in her own head. When you say talking about the, let me stop you there. When you say talking about the feelings, that's going to be something that people are very uncomfortable with, regardless of whether there's been a death or not.

But it's something we should all be doing. Yeah. It's literally, explain it to me, is it literally you going, without going to

a mirror, Ken? They're like, what are you feeling right now? But like, is it actually discussing well, what,

what are you feeling inside? Like, getting down into it with this early of an age it's mostly just listening to what they say and not being afraid to answer their question okay and then questions do you ask well you kind of follow their lead i wouldn't be i wouldn't be leading them with more questions that they might not have even thought about but you're more responding and reacting to things they say and things they do like she said the odd meltdown that would be really important in those moments where her child is having a meltdown to get down to her 11 ones and do the uh you know oh my god i can't believe i cannot remember the word the script oh yeah the

de-escalation script where you would say to the child yes yeah it was super powerful and you just say i can see that you're angry i am so sorry you feel this way i'm here to help you let's talk about this together like just acknowledging that you know there's a reason you're feeling like this and i'm going to help you through it and it's okay that you're angry because something really sad has happened to you yeah and like i would definitely get her earlier setting involved and definitely have them do circles about you you know, life cycle and life life cycles. Charlotte, that's brilliant. The life cycle is super important at this age.

I was due. I was due. But I had forgotten that life cycles are so important. If your child is talking about that at all, get the life cycles going, choose different animals each week, do the butterfly, do the frog and let them see that there is a circle. There's a pattern. And sometimes it's unfair

and some people get sick but most people will go from the baby, the child the grown up and the older What about the grinding? The grinding, the teach is a pretty normal thing for this age first of all and I don't think What's it about?

Like what is that? Behaviourally what do you guys understand that to be? Well, we always feel like it's probably worry. But I remember when our own son was doing that, the dentist reassured me that most tiny kids who are having teeth grow and teeth fall out will grind because their jaw is not, you know,

feeling very set. So they will tend, but it is, it can be something to do with nerves. And of course this child very set. Yeah. So they will tend, but it is, it can be something to do with nerves. And of course this child is feeling. But the mom needs to think about it herself because like, here's an example, right? And I did want to talk about this. I was going to save it for this,

the bonus section of the show. The modeling, you know, you want your kid to behave the way you want your kid to behave the way you want your kid to behave if they're seeing you worrying or stressed out about this that's what they're going to

monkey see monkey do yeah no no they will definitely internalize that there's a feeling yeah and it's very hard because this mom has lost her father and even if she you know wasn't with her partner anymore, he's still the father of her child. So maybe commemorating a little bit.

And doing picture books and making memory books and getting pictures up around the house, talking about the person more. It's all helpful. It's why the, you know, if you're religious or not their ceremonies help it helps compartmentalize things it's half the reason a lot of people do these things yeah so that they can say goodbye and properly have a place to go where they remember yeah um if that doesn't sound like if that doesn't sound like you or if that's what you do you can do it your own

way yeah and also there's that nice thing do you can do it your own way yeah and also there's that nice thing where you can frame a picture of them and in the evenings you can light a candle you know little things like that really help kids you know but uh it's obviously one of my favorite podcasts is the grief cast which i'd recommend to this mom uh it's an incredible podcast about how different people cope with grief and included in that is people with kids losing partners losing parents and helping their kids through it so those comedians different actresses and actors on there uh have a listen to that because i think it's really important for this mom to know that you're not the first person to go through this yeah you're not on your own.

Exactly. And she probably feels very lonely right now. I think it's just you. Her circle has gotten smaller too. But we really appreciate you getting in touch and get in touch again. Please, if you don't feel like any of this. Or if you've been through this and you know what works best. What is the thing you're most looking forward to this Christmas? oh my god it's a tough question for you right there oh i i know it i can't wait to hang out with um your nephew and

niece the tiny people i don't get to see them enough and i love them so much they're the cutest kids in the world yeah well this is it like isn't it seeing the tiny kids and how excited they are? But your sisters, two little guys, oh, my God, they're so full of personality. And they're such good fun. And I guess it's hard for us because all our other nephews and nieces are the same age as our kid. And we were so in our own journey then. You know, we always tried to make time for everyone. But, like, when you've got your own baby on your hip, too, it's really tricky. But these are the new, fresh babies in there yeah and they're so cute thank god i

think the hardest thing to watch is kids that are so full of personality being overwhelmed by the day oh yeah i know that's the worst right where they're like god he's such a good kid all year round and now he's been up since four yeah it's three in the day he needs this he needs somebody to tranquilize him knock him out for two hours but if i could give parents one bit of advice about christmas try not to care so much about what other people are thinking of your kids behavior easier said than done yeah but if if somebody in your family is judging your child on Christmas Day, they are... That's their problem.

Yeah, they can do one because it's Christmas Day. Your kids are dealing with so much stuff. They're tired. They're anxious. They're excited. They're trying their best. So don't be letting that into your head. Yeah, like when they do do it when the judgment is occurring

i think that's what downstairs bathrooms are invented for yeah but who judges i wrote a piece for the sunday business post about the escape room in every house and you know extracting yourself from the difficult scenario is really good like it is a really good tip that any therapist will tell you just

if possible leave the room and you know come back fresh the hardest parents to cope with at Christmas are the parents

who talk through their child is Auntie Tina being a little bit annoying does Auntie Tina think she knows everything those parents they kill me it's like you know has that happened to you no but i'm saying it probably happens you're always doing the impression oh i do it i do it to you through

mikey a lot but you always did the impression of the moms who squidgy their face up. Would it be okay if like I didn't have that because the kids think it's disgusting. They're like in a restaurant telling the owner that their food is gross.

But they squeeze their face up into like a squishy face and they go it's just that the kids have tasted it and they they said they were gonna get sick if they had it again anyway have you got anything else i mean there's something and i guess that's what i mean you know there's something about people who use their kids to say what they really want to say i'm gonna do that during mikey's teenage years and he's gonna to be like I didn't say that our final question Charlotte and Tina

myself and my husband love your show we listen every single week and it has helped us so much especially at dinner time Tina's tapas have changed our life my question for you guys

this time is how to make your child open up oh I mean magic fairy a rubik's cube how do they feel what do they feel about i mean what the fuck happened at school just tell me something depends on their personality what age is their kid they say i

have a daughter here and she is 11 years old it's rare with daughters for them not to open up okay when i talk to her about her mistakes she only listens what when i say you stay stays she doesn't listen she stays really quiet and refuses to answer me and when i ask her if she understands or agrees with what i'm saying she just stays quiet i find it super frustrating and can't really understand why she's like that. Any help would be greatly received. So he'll point out what she's done wrong and she'll go... She'll just be quiet, but I tend to do that myself. I tend to go, well, what's the point in talking now? Just gross.

Gerald is just looking at me. I'm being honest. New shit has come to light, guys. I'm like like sometimes there is that feeling of what's the point what i'm talking now you know this person's annoyed at me yeah you definitely decide um there's no way back that's not true now the day's round charlie reagan you are you do oh do i you do i'm just i can understand this no point in even talking about it as well just go i think we can both agree that i have worked on the fact that i tend to go quiet when you're annoying me but so i would say to this

parent these parents that she might not even be aware that this is how she reacts to being told off that to go quiet she withdraws because that's just her personality and it's something she'll need help with getting true that you know you give out to her you tell her you're asking her if she understands but she's not vocally able to talk back yet so that's when doing things like the reflection sheets or you know think sheets are really really useful because she's not in a place of reflection yet she's just feeling muddled in her head and you can just write out the questions that you actually wanted to ask verbally except now she gets the time to write them down and think about it and then you get to read it through together and it's a much healthier way to do it You're also teaching your kids to be a good writer.

Yeah, but it's reflection. You're teaching your child to reflect. Yes. But articulating yourself on a page is what you're asking them to do. Also, some people are just better at that. Like I was saying to Mikey this morning because he's trying to study for his Christmas exams. And I was saying that sometimes verbally i find it hard to remember things what i'm talking about but if you give me paper and ask me the same question

i can do that i can write it down and it's fine so like everyone processes information in their own way yeah and also when you write something down it suddenly becomes smaller yeah and sometimes it can give you clarity too to write something down but yeah like i mean obviously this young woman does need help processing how she's feeling and talking about things they're trying to get her to open up i think it's hard to know if they just want her to be more open with her apologies or if they want her to be more open about her day but i definitely think some kind of reflection journal would be really helpful for this young girl the head plan journal i know honestly you need to give us some free journals at this point i think i've sold like a lot of journals for you a lot of journals and they're 25 euro each that's expensive euro journals send us

a free one in this week's irish Running Abroad episode with Sonia Sullivan, we recommend the last minute gifts for the runner in your life. And it's funny the way the journal went straight to the top of the list, but it has to be there for last minute gift for your kid. Yeah, but is there like a particular running journal you're supposed to... Are you actually just asking now? Subtly, what I should get you jerry for christmas i was bringing it back to the head plan journal that like if you get your kid a stocking filler of the head plan journal it is going to get used yeah all of

the stuff that is not going to get used that is going to maybe not this year maybe next year maybe at one point this year but at some point something positive is going to get used that is going to maybe not this year maybe next year maybe at one point this year but at some point something positive is going to come from that rather than the new switch game that they got yeah no i do believe that and what i've seen in practice of the head plan journal is that there is a practice of reflection and gratefulness and gratitude there and i think if they're wanting their daughter to feel like she can open up more, allow her first to open up to herself. She needs to be able to, first of all, do that. I also wonder, and it does lead us to our final section of the show.

Has this parent ever exploded? I'd have they had a moment like any of us do where they went off the reservation with their reaction and that has left a little imprint of well I'm not gonna actually say what I really think because there was that one time in the second half of our show over on Patreon Tina's going to help you guys with what will undoubtedly happen this christmas at some point you are going to get upset with your kid and at some point you're going to get upset and regret it how do you walk it back how do you put the genie back in the bottle get things back on track without leaving an imprint come on over to patreon.com forward

slash irishman abroad this week no obligation cancel anytime you like and get access to the xl episodes of honey or near kid irishman running abroad and irishman in america as well as hundreds of hours of interviews with the greatest irish people ever to have lived thank you all so much for supporting the show yeah for rating commenting subscribing for getting in touch emailing for the friendships for the friendships for the gang for coming to the show the gifts that tina has received yeah i've yet to receive a gift just saying i am the one editing mixing and mastering the show just saying anyway uh i don't do it for that uh i do it so that you guys will come to the shows no i love making it is an absolute joy to make Tina did you think

we'd still be doing it a year and a half later oh yeah absolutely this had a hit written all over the day you

came home and said I have the idea and it's been flying ever since and I don't see that changing so I don't have to

see you till 2024 now oh we're on holidays now we will see you guys in 2024 unless you come over to patreon where there may be a bonus emergency pod during the christmas break tina's shaking

her head those emails are coming yeah no oh look the emails are always open i do not close emails well tina needs a holiday okay happy christmas everybody I will reply to you. See you on Patreon.