Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - What To Do With Kids That Refuse To Listen

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

Happy new year everyone. We hope 2025 is kind to all of you. Just like you we can’t believe we survived another Christmas with our families. With the children finally back at school it’s time to stick that kettle on, pop those feet up and get this podcast into your ears. Today's show is all about those kids that won't open their ears. Whether it results in throwing or tantrums or Mexican stand offs, the impact of a kid that won't listen to their parents can be life altering. In terms of the stress in your day, this one thing can change everything. Tina has some great strategies that will help you and our three questioners.Question 1 We all know the terrible threes are the new terrible twos. How do you get your three year old to calm down when they are mid stand off, when it has become a battle of the wills, you versus them. Is it even possible. This week we try and arm a very distressed mum with techniques to walk back a few of her kids newly acquired behaviours. Question 2- When behaviour moves from acting out to becoming an actual danger to themselves you need to get act fast and get help. It’s okay to ask for help. Some times there is nothing you can do. Sometimes there are bigger reasons for the behaviours. Seek out the supports available in your area in the knowledge that that is the best thing you can do for your kid right now. Question 3- The Patreon exclusive question looks at a case where the child will only listen to their father. This is causing Mom to question her appraoch to parenting. Tina takes a look at the major trigger points that are proving most difficult with this kid.Pop over to www.patreon.com/irishmababroad to hear it or go to www.jigser.com/gigs to come and see Jarlath's all new standup show in 2025.

It's Honey, your Rooney Arcade, the parenting podcast from the Irish Matter Broadcast Network with me, Jarlath Regan, the comedian and Tina Regan, my wife, the expert. My wife? I can never not do that. Happy 2025 everybody. Welcome back. Tina's the expert. When I say that, she's the one with years and years of experience in child behavior,

early learning, severe behavioural issues in all sectors. She's seen it all and she's received all of your emails and she will always get back to you with some form of a strategy or some direction as to how to get to the bottom of whatever it is that's bothering you and your kids. And I mean, everyone's had a time of it. Doesn't matter how good they are. Oh, yeah. We're through it. It's OK to be struggling in January with your kids. They just got the keys to the city and they've been out of control and.

No bedtime. They've been acting like A-list celebrities and now you're trying to bring them back down here. I mean, there is probably an episode that we could have done last week that would have helped this, that you could have advised people on how to ease them back in. You know, that's really tough. But you know what? We are so busy. We're just about managing to do this podcast.

So we're so grateful for you guys to listening in and supporting us. Love doing this. Yeah, we love this. Here's to 2025. We're going to have loads of episodes for you, and loads of different topics being covered this year. One topic that we get all the time is around play and around kids learning how to lose and take losses. Well, children learning how to play. A lot of kids don't even know how to play anymore because they're on screens too much.

Yeah. Well, unfortunately, you know, screens are easy and they're playing a different way. But a lot of kids are not playing and they're not developing their hands or their movement. And what I'm talking about, unfortunately, you know, screens are easy and they're playing a different way. But a lot of kids are not playing and they're not developing their hands or their movement. Yeah. And what I'm talking about, though, is their ability to lose. Like, I think you're seeing probably with video games, we're seeing a lot of kids trashing their controllers. You've seen the same issues, but actually taking a win and well and taking a loss well. That's an age old problem. Was there war in your

house over games? Was there, was there many, the Monopoly board flipped? I think we've mentioned this before. Or was it just you that did that? No, no, I think we've mentioned this before how myself and my gorgeous friend Anthoven, who unfortunately is no longer with us, we used to level it up by gambling. Yes. Like we would bring a whole new stress to it. The fancy paper. Yeah. And that would cause massive. The real currency of young girls in the 80s and 90s. Fancy.

Yeah. You always have to put out your best sheet, you know, with the matching envelope. What was your best sheet? Oh my God. I mean, I still have them all. You see them? There's a folder. There's a folder. But like, they were so precious all. You see them? There's a folder. There's a folder. But like, they were so precious because it was so hard to get anything like that back in the 80s. So it wasn't enough to play Monopoly.

No. You had to play with smelly paper. Yeah, and I mean... Was that what made it fancy? It smelled? No, God, no. It was the designer, the character or the colour. But you never wrote on it?

No, God, no. It was just fancy paper. I mean, if somebody didn't get it and they got you like a book of all the same sheets, fancy paper, you'd use those to write on. But like you just wanted one piece of the fancy paper. And what was more valuable? One with like hearts and teddies on the side?

Oh, the more hard, the harder, the more hard it was to get. I mean, there were some pieces he just knew that's impossible to find. Wow. Yeah. Even then? Even then. And like I was lucky, I had cousins in South Africa posting me over. Oh, really? So you had the good stuff. I had some good stuff.

And the Monopoly game would go poorly. Flip over the board. Because you lost and you were going to have to cough up. Yeah, I would always cough up, but we'd always have a row. I mean, so many times I had to stand at the front door. You're not leaving until we play again. No, I'm saying you're not leaving. You're not telling on me.

I'm sorry for punching you. The reason why I bring this up is a good friend of the show got in touch to say that they started to teach their very small kids how to play Uno. I just immediately was like, we've got to talk with us on the podcast because she's getting in really early, which has to be, Tina, the best thing to do. Get them at it really early. Well, to be fair, you say that, but you

should be playing games with your kids this early. I mean, but I mean, a game like Uno. Yeah, no, a game like Uno is perfect for this age group. Now for us, I always think I had a kind of, I did that thing I do sometimes with films. Everyone talks about Uno so much that I was like, I'm not bringing it into our heads. I'm like, I was a fool. Uno is a bloody brilliant game. It is so transportable. It is so much fun. You can play it literally anywhere. You try and go out for a family meal. There's a reason it's one of the most popular products on Amazon.

Brilliant. It's brilliant. And I regret that we didn't have it in our life. We've only ever had fun playing it. But yeah, you're right. It's really good for teaching children how to take turns, be patient, unpredictability. Unpredictability, yeah. Dealing with highs and lows, almost winning, losing it all. Blowing it. Yeah. Yeah, fabulous. Anyway, her report back was that her youngest won and was delighted and danced

around the room, as you would, I mean, I would have in the Regan household, I would have danced in people's faces and, you know, been really obnoxious, as was the Regan household, I would have danced in people's faces. Yeah. You know, been really obnoxious, as was the Regan way. Instead, she hugged her brother and said to him, I hope you win next time. Isn't that wonderful? I was like, that's like vomit inducing levels of cuteness. But you'd have to say that particular mom has gotten it so right in terms of those kids have each other's backs. I know we're very personal next.

We're talking about kids we know, but like they really do. Really instilled. But what about the person who's listening to this going, OK, that's all very well and good. But how do I get there with my little fellas? Well, you're battering each other's brains. Right. You got to play so many games over and over. Model it. You got to teach it. These things very seldom come naturally to children.

Very seldom does kindness or thoughtfulness come naturally. Yeah. And I'm not saying they're born with dark hearts or anything. Sure, they're into self preservation. Yeah, but they're all about themselves. They're all about divine. So you've got to model it. If you're disappointed in your children, all you have to do is be like, OK, this is just one more thing. I have to teach them.

Don't underestimate how much you have to teach them. It's a full time job. Like think of them as your husband's or your partner. How much do you have to teach them? Just like everyone else, we had the same issue with our little lad. And the attitude that I took was just when they said we're not playing again.

Yeah. That's when you have to play. Yes. You have to go. No, we're going again. Extra frustrating in our case because he doesn't do it with his friends. He's actually well aware of how to play. He said when he has his friends over, he looks at us like unbelievable, right? Like he's an angel. But when he's with us.

Oh, my God. He's But when he's with us, oh my God, he's out. Like when we play Catan, he strategizes in a way that he just wants to destroy us. Absolutely beat our brains out. And it's so horrible. So like pulverizing us like Michael Jordan, last dance. Yeah. I took that personal. You know what's awful? It brings the worst out in us because the last day when I won the Catan game,

I got up from the table and I danced. I was like in your face. You certainly didn't hug him and say, I hope this is you next time. So this is how every episode works. If you're new to honey or ruining you're ruining our kid. You email in your parenting stuff, whatever it is you're going through, whatever the issue is, whatever it is. And anonymously, we read it out and Tina comes up with this strategy that she

would have employed in her days when she was out there in the world with kids, with similar issues, wherever that might be. And rest assured, she's seen it all. She's seen it all. So nothing you're going to throw at her is going to come as a surprise. And this next question, first question of this episode is about the strong-willed kid and Lord Almighty Tina, this is such a common thing, right? The kid that just will dig the heels in.

It doesn't matter what gender this kid is. Sometimes you find it adorable when you see it. Like Tina finds all of it also so cute when we're out and about. But when it's your kid who will not be told, that isn't a lot of crack. There's always a reason for it, though. OK, well, let's dig into the question, right? Hi, Tina. We are no jarlet. Understandable, lads.

I am here for the eye candy and the laughter. We are having a major throwing issue at home. The one year old 16 months is throwing a lot and saying no, but also does it in times of complete frustration. The three year old is also doing it, but in a bigger way. He is maturing a lot from when I last got in touch. but sometimes he will suddenly start to destructively throw toys everywhere. Out of the blue. Really goes for it. Gets destructive.

And he will not clean it up. It was your job to do that. I get into a massive power struggle with him. I got into a power struggle with him last week over, tried lots of different approaches to get him to clean it up. a massive power struggle with him. Yes. I got into a power struggle with him last week over, tried lots of different approaches to get him to clean it up. Playful approach. Oh, we're going to tidy up.

One of Tina's suggestions in previous episodes. Threaten to take away privileges. If you don't clean up, there won't be any TV later on. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But nothing has worked. He's so strong willed. Yeah. Then the other day we spotted the three year old slyly showing the one year old

how to do it. Let me show you how it's done. Hey, what you get it though is take the dice. And you have to laugh, though this is serious enough. Because when you when you see something like that, you always think, oh my God, I've underestimated them all along. They're so clever. And it's the moment of he fucking knows well.

And we've all had that with our kids where you're like, he fucking knows well what he's doing. It's a conspiracy. Because they're so small and squishy. But I'm always saying that don't underestimate your children when it comes to expectation. They're voting on it. She saw him showing him how to do it. And then clapping him on the back. When the run year old dropped the toys, unaware we were watching. And then clapping them on the back.

When the one year old dropped the toys unaware we were watching. Please. This is actually good news. Please help. I'm getting really fed up of tidying up after him. Now, same listener has a follow up question. So let's deal with the first one. OK, firstly, while it must have been really shocking and quite disheartening and hopefully something someday they will laugh about belly laugh

You'd hope so you'd hope so It's actually really good news because he wasn't really teaching his little baby sibling the behavior When he was teaching them was how to get attention from gotcha big guys, of course Okay, this is a you want if you want massive reaction from mom and dad. If you're not feeling hurt. Yeah, I know how to get it. And like while he's consciously throwing these things, he's very unconsciously doing it because he wants more.

Yeah, it's a life hack. Yeah, and it's very cute actually that he's tried to pass that on. Cute. It is because he thinks like, this is something I can give you that I love. Like, you know, like he's like doing his little, is it a brother or sister?

I hope you win the next time. Yeah, so funny. Just in a different way. I mean, you know, very, very tough for the mom, but I think I have two things I would suggest she starts doing. One, absolutely we've got to encourage this need he has to throw. You've just got to teach him that you can't throw everything and all at the time.

And I helped another mom with this a little while ago. You need to provide throwing opportunities. What I would say to her is you can say things like I've noticed you love throwing you're really good at throwing you've got a really good arm you know you need to throw to play all these different games this is your throwing box in this box you've got balls we've got you know like different things that are safe to throw around and when you want to throw we take out this box and we'll play some throwing games together because mommy loves when you throw you're very good at throwing.

We just can't throw all the time because that is dangerous. Do you see mommy throwing things around? No. But mommy likes to throw too and when I do... And it's just about incorporating throwing games into the day. You're not taking away throwing because the child wants to throw. But you're just teaching them you can throw these, but you can't throw this. So let me ask you first a few questions on this, Tina, because I always feel that I'm the voice of the parents that are going yeah, but, right? And I'm not going to yeah, but everything, but

I wonder, do you need, like she says she's in a power struggle over this. So for a lot of moms and dads listening, they're going, okay, Tina, that's a great idea. But this is an ongoing conversation at the moment. We're really deep in, if you do that again, that not again, you've done it again. You know, to change gear and go, today, I'm introducing the throwing box. But you don't do it like that.

To change gear, you, it's just all of a sudden, like when you see them about to do it, you go, you really love throwing. You really do. That's how you, that's the fork in the road. Yeah, let's throw something to each other. Hold the phone. Let's sit down here and throw the phone.

I just realized you're really good at throwing. Yeah, you know, like, you've got a really, you're really good at this. Let's get a throwing box ready for you. Let's do some throwing together. Let's make a throwing box together. And let's throw. So sometimes my problem.

And while you're doing that activity, talk to them about how this is OK to throw this. This is what we do. We throw balls, but we cannot throw things. We'll break them. It's dangerous. Yeah, see, sometimes I can remember, you know, I don't think you pointed it out to me, but certainly, I would pull myself in that I know, sometimes I was talking to my little kid, like I would grownups. But like, I find myself down the road, where you don't realise at that age, it's just day to day to a large

extent. Yeah but this is a dangerous behaviour, she's worried about and also he's not tidying up and he's making a big mess. I mean throwing is the most dangerous thing this kid can do and destroying all his toys and everything but what she has to do on that is wait him out. Now the dialogue needs to stop when he's throwing things. Don't give it anything. As long as the baby's safe. Right. OK, so like there's a few steps that have

to happen here before the throwing box is going to be a huge success. But not taking away the throwing, the throwing is going to be really unexpected to your kid. Yeah. Because they think you don't want them to do that. But honestly, it's a really good life skill. It's built up their muscle. It's a good thing. It diminishes the power of the thing they believe is so powerful. Yeah. But how does she get him to calm down? And how does she get him to stop doing the

tantrums? For me, my advice to her is when he does it, silence. As long as that baby's safe, as long as he's not hurting himself, silence. Just go quiet. And when he wants to do something else, when he's finished and he's thrown everything around, you go, okay yeah good idea, but you have to tidy up first. And he will probably throw some more and you wait it out as long as the baby's safe and you're safe and when he wants to do something else you go yeah perfect you gotta tidy up first once that's all tidied away yeah well no that's even too much too much that's too many words what it is because you have to be so clear you cannot ask or give an idea that there's any leeway you're directing if you ask a, you have to respect an answer.

You have to say, yeah, perfect idea when you tidy up. All right, have you tidied up? Well then we can't move on. I'm waiting for you to tidy up. Wow. And when they tidy up and they put everything away, because you know what, children love order and you might have to ask yourself,

the throwing in the room where he's doing it are the toys in an order like if you're asking him to tidy up is there really a place for them to go because everywhere needs to have a place where it belongs and that's the magic of a Montessori classroom. Children feel very safe in it because the pink tower is always where the pink tower is. The colour box is always where the colour box is. The language area is the language area forever. It never moves and kids feel safe because they know where it is. So if you have toys and you have a shelf or a toy box, a toy box is perfect but the toys always go in there. That's where the toys go. You will be shocked at how much your child will actually enjoy putting his toys away in the toy box where all the toys go

because that's their place now that's their home that's a sense of order and he is happy knowing that's where everything goes but if it's just a pile in the corner and there's no real logic to it he's not really thinking there's a okay that's an area that's two superb bits to get us going, right? Well... Because, you know, genuinely people are flummoxed with this. A very common email... Yeah.

...are in how to stop throwing from a high chair, from food... Yeah, it's all about your reaction. And it is about that, yeah. Yeah. They're getting you... And this poor mum, of course, of course she's reacted and engaged. Yeah. She has a one-year and a three year old.

She'd be a saint not to have reacted. I find in daily life when I pick things up and I throw them off the ground, it gets a big reaction of people. And so, you know, we don't want these kids to bring this into later life. No, but the baby is going to throw now as well. So she kind of has to adopt the same approach there, you know. Give it no words. Just, you know, quietly deal with it

and engage the baby in the throwing activities. Educate your kids on what we can't throw on what we can throw. Before we move on to the second part of this question, we went to see Mary Poppins in the Bored Gosh Energy Theatre. And holy flip, it's our third time seeing it. Yeah. And they obviously add on new bits all the time. But one of the new bits they had was the most terrifying thing. And it relates to this question.

It was about taking care of your toys, which I wonder, Tina, is something that could be talked about looking after your toys. And that is why the toys need a place and need a home, because that to the child is taking care of, they're putting it back where it goes. So Mary Poppins is big into this and I've never seen anything more terrifying on stage when the dolls started coming to life and they started saying, you've got to take care of us. And then Punch from Punch and Judy, kids today don't know who the hell that is. Well Irish kids don't anyway.

I'm sure English kids don't do this. Punch and Judy is as big as the house. Oh my God. The smoke coming out. He comes out behind. The big arms and hands. And we were sitting beside very young kids. Oh my God, they were hiding under the seat.

I'm pretty sure they wet themselves. I'm pretty sure they did. I nearly wet myself. It was terrifying. It was frightening, but a great show. And you should go and see it. Right. So the second half of this question from the same listener says, I'm getting getting dressed. This is this is a big part of this strong will thing that we're talking about here.

Like a great day for us to talk about a first day back at school. She's a very clever child. OK, look at the moments he's choosing. Yeah. When you're at your most flustered. But also he knows he has to get dressed and he'll get loads of attention for this, you know. So she says, Christ Almighty, what a struggle this is. He is a hulk three year old.

So getting too big and strong to dress him. But he won't do it himself. Got him a social storybook, etc. Oh, wow. Well done. So that he would still try it and will try and let's have a race to see who can do it first, but even getting him engaged and to take the first the first step is a struggle. Did I mention he's strong willed?

Like the dress thing is like a whole episode. Yeah, she needs to remind herself, though, that she is dealing with a three year old who is at the peak of their sense of order. And like I always say, it's not an order that we would ever understand. It's an internal order that they have for themselves. And really, that's why the limited choice really works well with them at this age, because they need an either or. And with the outfits, trying to get him dressed in the morning,

you've got to just give him two options because we want to keep it fair. But we want him to feel like he's a little in control, because what he's striving for is the feeling of being in control. Right. So you lay out two outfits and you say, put the one on that you like the most and tell me when you're ready and hope he does that. If he doesn't do that, if that's not going to happen, if you're dealing with someone who's just a plain out refuser,

you're going to need a reward chart. This is the kind of time when a reward chart can come in really handy and you can just make it to start off with so that he'll want to do it make it instant. So when you get dressed we put a sticker up and you get a reward and that reward has to be something he loves. Let it be a jelly, why not? You are trying to get your kid to take you seriously and do something. You can always phase out the reward chart. Don't ever talk to them about phasing it out.

You just do that yourself. So for the first week you're like the reward chart is every day. Then you make another reward chart and it's every two days. So you're like you got your sticker and if you get your sticker tomorrow we can get your treat and then phase out the sweet, make it maybe, you know, something small that you can have, you know, it's hard. Sometimes you can just reintroduce gifts they've forgotten about, you know, like, I lost the reward charts, gone. Yeah, I wouldn't phase it out that quick. It's gone.

Charlotte, you're making you can do that because you want it to be a success with a reward chart. If the reward charts is not a success, you'll never get to use one again because it'd be like, should I think a piece of shit? So you want it to be successful. So instantaneous reward first, and then you can build it up to be like a week. And then you phase it out. Reward charts and not forever. What do you do to your final thing on this?

Yeah. If you're getting in the battles like this, she's talking about the battle, the war, the struggle, this is to get strong willed. Yeah. Like we've all had it where you're like, how am I in this row now with this tiny human? Your superpower is to go quiet because they're just, they're dying for this attention. They're dying for this attention. They're dying for it. And when you go quiet and when they've calmed,

then you give them a hug and you tell them how much you love them and how safe they are. And then mommy is so happy to see them and how lovely they are. And you talk about some positive things and you redirect, maybe bring them to the bathroom and wash their hands and come back then and start the process again. Very little words because your kid just wants you, they just want the eye contact,

they want the big attention, they don't care if you're mad at them because in that moment all they're getting is their mom to themselves. So it's so hard. I know that it is so hard. I found this stuff easy when our kid was small because I was so used to doing it with smaller kids. Now we have a teenager, I find it really hard and I'm having to remind myself the whole time of my own stuff. So don't worry, I know it's hard.

But if you can- This is what WhatsApp groups are for as well. Yeah, you gotta go quiet in those moments. You gotta go quiet. You can go up around the corner and pretend to shoot yourself in the head. That's the move to do this to do. I do that so much. You can go up around the corner and pretend to shoot yourself in the head. That's the move. I do that so much. Favourite board game of my childhood was a game called Easy Money,

which I bought on eBay during lockdown. And this is a game that never would have been made today. Not a chance. Basically, it's a gambling game. It's such a fun game, though. I mean, it's a really game. It's such a fun game, though. I mean, it's a really good game. Like, everyone plays at the same time. But it's so into gambling.

It's all about three to one. Those are good odds. Oh, I mean, the title is really says what it is. It is. And it's not you win 100 euro. It's millions. Everything is like And it's not you win 100 euro. It's millions. Millions. Everything is like I'm putting a million on down.

I'm betting on down here. Yeah. Like you bet on the stock market. You go to Vegas. These are lotteries. You got a double on earthen option. I mean, if you know this game, like it's just so much fun because everybody's playing at the same time. Nobody's waiting for a turn. There's no turn waiting.

And it's a crazy. You can win the lottery. You know what it's like. You get a lottery ticket out. I have to say, I do love it. Like you bought it for our house. We played a lot. And it's so addictive. I want to play it now. This next question, though, is around tantrums, which obviously this is kind of

the theme of today's show is just kind of etiquette and basic behavior and not holding on to your shit, getting your kids to just keep it together. Here we go. Tina and Jardeth, I need your help. My two year old has these fits. I mean, screaming, throws himself on the ground, bangs his head off the ground. I don't know how to calm him down or how to help him cope. We're basically at the point that he is gonna need

a helmet on so he doesn't hurt his head. And we just, at the moment, just try and ride out the fit. I've tried redirecting him, holding him, comforting him, and I feel it makes it worse. I don't know how to stop him or keep him safe. We really need some help. I'm hoping you guys can give us something. I mean, that's a very serious one.

Well, that is, that's a very complicated one now because she's saying they are redirecting him, but I wonder what they're redirecting him to. And if they're like old parents to make the same mistake, they're using way too many words. You know. Redirection, explain that to me if I'm not familiar with the term.

Well, redirection means distracting them, bringing their behavior somewhere else. So giving them something completely out of the blue that makes them go, oh, what's this? So the techniques I would use there is start and turn the tap on, get some bubbles in there. Literally that simple. Yeah. Get them up to the sink. I want to do this and you'll go, hey, look at the bubbles. Yeah. Like get a cloth out, get them cleaning the floor.

Get them like brushing. Something that engages their hands and they completely distracts them from what they're already doing. Like get the plate away, get baking, do something that involves the hands. So you're wondering, are they doing that? It's a sensory thing they need at that time.

I wonder, are they doing that? I wonder, are they doing it with too many words? Now, first off. Why are too many words an issue? Because that's engaging in the tantrum. Right. You know, if you're trying to, you need to just be very clear. Come at me. Look at this. And like very clear. Not, you know, oh my goodness, it's OK. Why don't you come over here? Let's put on the top and do this together. It's very clear, straight kind of curved directions. No room for decisions to be made by the child of them not doing it. They're just going to follow the order.

And look, the head banging. This sounds very dangerous. And it sounds a bit alarming I mean in terms of I don't know but self harm he's only harming himself yeah he is harming himself but you couldn't say it's purposeful bang his head off the ground yeah but like there has to be a reason for that I feel like there's way more going on here there has to be like that mother has no option.

She needs to go to the doctor and get that child on a waiting list for something because maybe there's nothing there. But if there is, get in there early. I mean, he's showing signs of something. It could just be out of control. Yeah, child who doesn't know boundaries or rules, or it could be a child who has a need that needs to be met. Yeah, right. OK. Yeah. And the waiting lists are so long you got to get in there now even if it is just to get it checked. Just to get what's the harm?

Better get it checked. Better get it checked what's the harm? What's the harm? And isn't it great if you're proactive you put the name down and when you finally get called you get it's over I don't need it anymore. Do you need the help? Get in early. I would think they need to observe this child and figure out what sets him off. Right. Like what is upsetting him? What is it that like he's not doing it for no reason. No kid is ever doing it for no reason. Even if when you think they are, there is always something. Something is upsetting them and making them behave like this. They don't want to

behave like this. I mean, it's exhausting, especially if he's hurting himself. I mean, that's just so dangerous. She just can't, I mean, putting a helmet on him, I mean, that to me just seems like a real quick fix. You know, like it's also kind of mortifying him. I mean, he's too, I mean, he's aware of himself. He's aware of other babies don't wear helmets. Yeah. I think maybe there needs to be boundaries in this house. This kid needs clearer rules. Now I don't mean to come in the heavy but I just... Family meeting. I mean well it'd be very cute but I'm not sure how well a family will go to two girls but I mean like there needs to be choices need to be offered instead of you know maybe the choices are too big. So what I mean, like, there needs to be choices need to be offered instead of, you know, maybe the choices are too big.

So what I mean by that is, you know, you need to say things like this or that, now and next. I definitely think this kid needs some kind of prep for what's coming next. So maybe a visual chart, some or verbal warnings. Like I definitely think this kid needs to know, OK, now we're doing this. Next, we're doing that. You know, now we're eating our breakfast, then we're getting dressed. So just kind of prepping him for the idea that like you're not going to go drop that we're going to the shops.

Yeah, I think this sounds like a kid who maybe needs a lot of information. I mean, and, you know, don't ever worry that you're giving them too many directions, you're just building up their vocab and you're helping them feel safe. It'd be amazing how many people that's going to help in 2025. Just the now and next. Whatever about this questioner. And obviously we'll follow up, Tina never leave somebody hanging on this. It's not like you got your answer. Fuck off.

Yeah, but, you know, the the follow up will be there and hopefully you can work through this. But now and next as a strategy in twenty twenty five for whatever age your kid is, is going to help. When you went to houses this Christmas and you saw your kids behave a certain way at the house that mortified you. Yeah. Did you in the car go, here's what I need from you in here. We're going to be meeting people.

Yeah. You're going to have to shake their hands. We're going to be doing some grownup chat and you are to busy yourself. And if you have an issue with someone, you come to me and talk about it. That's what you mean by now and next. Yeah, exactly. That's what I wanted to make clear. There was that it's not just a once a day thing. Like for a little while in your life, you might be doing now and next

every five minutes of your day because your child might need that. Like that's why sometimes a visual chart is great, just some kind of visual idea of what they have and you can point to the chart and you can take the picture of it. Yeah, I mean, grownups need them too. I feel like I need a visual chart now.

But like now, you know, what time is it? Okay, that means now we're going to the shops, then we'll come home and pack everything away. Okay, now we're home, let's go have a rest. Then we're gonna do this, like it's the whole time. Because kids who have tantrums like this don't feel. Hurt. They don't feel safe.

Yeah. Unfortunately. Okay. And it's not safe in a, safe in a, you know, safe from fire or danger. It's safe in the knowledge that they know where they stand. And if you've got a kid who is acting out, say to yourself, am I making my kid feel safe? Do they know what's expected of them? Do they know the rules and even saying to them a lot like I know I say this all the time but, I'm your mom, I love you, it's my job to keep you safe. That helps a child feel secure. So if your child is having a moment, they're not feeling secure, you got to wrap them up in the secure blanket. Now and next is

a great way to do that. Final question of the episode is about the kid that will not listen, just won't listen. Doesn't matter what you say, they just cannot tune in and listen to what you've asked them to do. Maybe the biggest problem that we see so many common problems on the show, but this one comes back again and again. You'll need to come over to patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad to hear the full episode and that extra question.

That's how this works. That's how we managed to make this show. You come on over there, you pay a five or a month and you get access to the full back catalog of episodes, including the pilot season from 2022. Big interviews with the greatest Irish people that have ever lived. The running podcast, the America podcast, a bunch of bonus series, all kinds of stuff available for you to download.

You'll never be stuck for content if you head over to Patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad, no obligation cancel whenever you want. If you even you just want to sign up for one month, if you just want to sign up to hear this week's episode in its fullest, that's the place to go. Tina I'm on tour and Tina's managing this tour. Tina if you don't know is my manager. She manages the kids and she manages her big kid. This tour is going bananas. It is going all around the world, including Vancouver, San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Chicago, Boston, New York, Washington, DC, just added.

We've got dates in and around the UK and Ireland that are selling out so fast. It is really crazy. So get a ticket now from jigsr.com forward slash Irishman abroad. We'd love to meet you after one of these shows. Thank you for listening and we'll see you over on patreon.com. Tina, thank you so much. Thank you.