Honey You're Ruining Our Kid - When Having Phone Goes Bad! Crossing A Line Or Trying To Help? S2E36

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

Are your kids melting your head? Are you worried for someone else's kids? Are you allowed to check your kid's phone? Welcome to our penultimate episode of HYROK for this season. Season 3 will return in September. Our emails will always be attended [e-mail] is the address to send whatever issues you're having or solutions you have stumbled upon. We would love to hear from you.Question 1 "That Won't Be Cute Much Longer!"This week a worried aunt gets in touch about her nephew's out of control behaviour. She is worried about his transition from the "isn’t he cute" phase to the "can you stop being such a little bollox" phase. Can she intervene and help his parents or is any intervention deemed as over stepping? Question 2 "Should Their Phone Be Your Phone?"We are in the Wild West of mobile phones. Children seem to be getting access to them younger and younger every year. When we hand over such a massive responsibility to our children without any real guidance can we really blame them when it ends up getting them in all kinds of trouble. When we can’t really avoid our kids having mobile phones, how can we help direct them to stay safe while using them? Question 3 "Nightmare At Home, Angel In School!"The troublesome three year old has taken over from the terrible twos. Every week we get emails in from parents at the end of their tether with their three year old mood swings. This week is no different. Frustration is nearly always the explanation to why your child might be misbehaving. Identify the frustration and you’ll get to the root of the cause. It is only then that real change and emotional growth can begin. Trust me, three year olds are my bag, these suggestions on coping with their outburst really do work. Thank you for listening in to another episode of Honey You Are Ruining Our Kid.  If you got any worries pop an email over your us at [e-mail]. For the extra juicy stuff swing on over to our Patreon www.patreon.com/irishmanabroad. 

I don't know if this setup of today's episode could be any more appropriate for the time of year we're in as parents. We are in our studio. Tina is here. Yes, we're late to the game because we don't have childcare. We don't have childcare. But also, our kid is in the room as we record it. He is. Fully, we have him blindfolded and his ears are covered. You can't believe his look. We figured the only way we can actually get this done is

if we let him game and wear headphones and he is the happiest I've seen him all summer. Happiest he's ever been. But it's, like I say, it's the most appropriate for this time of year. Whenever you're listening to this, if you're listening to this during the summer, you're probably juggling work and your kid. Yes kids plural, which I can't imagine what that's like. No, I mean, we have the one and he's a very good boy, but still carving at time where both of us are doing the same thing at the same time is really tough because we normally alternate and juggle it. And we've got three questions today about kids driving you up the wall.

Yes, we do. This is like the perfect summer episode as far as I can see. I really feel like parents are spent at the moment. There's an air of everyone being spent. Well, they're trying to get the summer holidays together. Yes. And they're trying to access childcare for the kids that are off, the secondary school kids, which are extra demanding. And then trying to pretend that it's not going to be stressful.

Yeah, we obviously met some parents over at our favorite haunt, Emerald Park. This podcast should be brought to you by Emerald Park. We love Emerald Park. It's Emerald Park. Emerald Park, formerly known as Tato Park. Those were the days. Emerald Park is just known as Tato Park. Those were the days. Emerald Park is just down the road from us here where we live in Ireland. So we go a lot.

The theme park was once a potato wonderland, and now it's just a rollercoaster, not just rollercoasters, restaurants and a zoo, zoo. You name it, it's got it. We bumped into parents there whose kids were two weeks off getting off school and they said to us, dreadn't it? Yeah. Absolutely dreadn't it. They did. They were like really stressed out thinking about it. We're here to take away some of the dreadn't with the help of Tina and her strategies. I met somebody at the park running poppentry at the weekend. This is a bit unkind. Who said, I absolutely love the podcast, Jarlith. And I was like, oh, which one? And she goes, because I need the compliment.

Very direct. And I want to know what it is you're complimenting me. But the parenting one, of course, the honey, you're in your kit. Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah, Tina knows that nose. This is the one. Tina, I want you to tell Tina that she's doing amazing work. So nice. And that you don't know Jarlath.

Actually, she was being lovely, like she was being lovely. But I disagree. I don't know. I feel like you have learned so fast that sometimes you are the voice of reason now. All I do is sometimes I remind Tina of things she said in the past. And I'm like, oh, yeah, they've been burned into my hard drive. But like I said, we have three incredible questions and a further chunk of advice on whether your kid won't go to school. Yes, which I'm only brave enough to talk about on Patreon.

Yeah, because this is a very sensitive. Oh, my goodness. This is the one that gets all the claws out. So I'm only willing to talk about that. There's myriad reasons why your child might be refusing to go to school. But the end of the year can be a big part of it. Oh, we're not doing anything and we're just making as much films. Which is true. You still got to go.

The teacher's using your kids to help her pack away her classroom or his classroom. And what about the kid who is now off school and kind of languishing in, I just don't want to have to do anything. We're talking about that too, a way to give your child direction. Direction, direction. We all need direction during the holidays. And Tina's got the strategies needed to handle the kid that's melting your head and the kid that is just rudderless

and would see or not attending school. You won't hear it all on patreon.com forward slash Irishman abroad, it's how we support the show and we do it. Thanks to our members who keep the show going for the last two seasons. Let's get to it, Tina, let's start the show. First question of the day is actually about etiquette, I think.

OK. As much as it's about a kid that is problematic, it's a kid. It's a problem. You don't know where do you stand in terms of what you can say when you're seeing stuff going down. OK, so it's not their kid. This is a recurring theme, right, in our show. They're like, when you see another kid, somebody you care for, go loopy. Where do you, where's your boundary on getting involved? Yeah. So it's a tough one for you to answer, Tina. Good luck with this one. Dear Tina and Jardeth, I've listened to every single episode.

I think I'm getting in touch with you with something that you've not covered yet. How do I get my brother to notice that his five year old is on the verge of becoming extremely rude or a primary school teacher? And I see this all the time. Out of control children who are tiny. So everything is deemed cute. But then they turn six and their parents just expect them to magically cop on. I think you've spoken about this quite a bit.

I say this all the time. It's adorable. Yeah, I just matches it out of your hand. He's so into the food. I always feel so sorry for that kid because I'm like, you're you're teaching them to behave that way. Yeah, you're laughing at it. When it's not cute, they're going to be so confused.

And that's when you get behaviors. So this is where she saw it. We had a family wedding this weekend past. I loved my nephew, but his behavior was out of control. His parents just allowed him to act whatever way he wanted. I found it very hard not to say anything. out of control. His parents just allowed him to act whatever way he wanted. I found it very hard not to say anything. He was pushing other kids, throwing food.

He was on the time of his life. He's old enough to know. He thought it was a great wedding. Let's face it. He got into it. Yeah. So much back chat. And he seems to be allowed to ask whatever he is thinking. So zero filter. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Wow. He sounds like fun. That's going to backfire on the parents fairly lively. Is there anything I can do? Or can you help me know how to not care so much? Yeah, that's the problem. It's not my child after all.

Anonymous. That's an amazing question. Well, the key there is how do you not care so much? My child, after all, anonymous. That's an amazing question. Well, the key there is how do you not care so much when you. You think that's the key? Well, yeah. Don't care as much. Well, no, I said, how do you not care as much? Because she's a teacher. So she obviously really loves and interested in children.

She also knows that they're allowing a pattern of behavior to form. Yeah, she's getting worried. This kid is going to suffer. Yeah. He's going to suffer the most. I think we've all seen it, haven't we? Yeah, we've all seen it. This gas crack. It's so funny.

Yeah. He comes in and he slams the door behind him. Yeah, I know. Like he's a businessman. It's a little bit like what we talked about last week where, you know, we model and we prepare our child for things and the feedback we always get is, how does he know? How is he always so thoughtful? How does he know?

And I'm like, well, we told him. Yeah, we told him. Yeah, we absolutely told him what to expect and what to do. The best feedback is he's so mannerly. It's lovely when people say that about your kid. He's so mannerly. And then they turn to you and go, and he didn't learn that off ye? Yeah, I know. That has nothing to do with you.

That has nothing to do with you. First of all, are you saying we're ignorant? I know. It really comes down to that, though, that these parents are expecting that one day their kid will just know how to behave. Right now, he's a little bollocks, but he'll just grow right at that. And that's just not how it works. Kids need to be shown everything and if you want them to have manners you got to show them what manners look like. You got to role play it. You got to you know teach them like

that's just it and when you see kids who are being rude you cannot blame the kid. They have not been told. They've not been shown. And I really feel for this auntie because she must be just so stressed out watching it, knowing that soon that kid is going to switch from them finding him funny to him being put on, you know, timeouts or shouted at. And usually the arrival of another child precipitates. She never mentioned if they're siblings, but yeah, they mustn't be. Because usually when the cutie pie arrives, then it's like you're no big brother.

Yeah, you're not behaving like one. It's like, hang on. A week ago, I was adorable for doing all of this stuff. I think the first episode of this show in the blurb, it was how do I stop my kid from growing up to be a gobshite? And that is the big worry. And that's why she's worried because gob shites are not born. They're created.

And also, well, she's worried because he was at a wedding. Yeah, where you're meant to be on your best behavior. Yeah. And it didn't stop him from throwing food and pushing other kids. Now, he was probably seeing some grownups acting pretty strange. I mean, everyone lets their hair down in the wedding, but he was brave enough to be brazen. The other thing is that you, when your kid is behaving badly, it's always a reflection on you.

Like, that's what I always think. It's like, if my kid is doing X, then you you that's on you. Well, that's it absolutely is on you. And I think sometimes where parents fall down on this is they're afraid to parent their child at events like this. But like, it's really important your child knows that there's always going to be boundaries. The kid who knows that their parents are too afraid to parent them at a social event are the wild ones because they're like she won't do anything here or he won't do anything here.

I'm free, free man. Did you ever do that? When I was a kid? Yeah, absolutely, definitely. This is coming from the pro. Once we're in the door of this wedding, I'm off the leash. Yeah, but I come from a time of wooden spoons. I mean, people weren't brave enough. The odd person, like you always saw someone getting the wooden spoon in duns. Dun stores and I haven't shopped in centre. Wooden spoon coming from the bag.

Coming from the bag. I saw so many people get the wooden spoon in dun stores. Jeepers. Definitely. That was not a rare thing in my childhood. I didn't see that. But Tina grew up in Navon Navon of all places. I'm the only proud Navon woman you'll meet. I love nobody loves Navon quite like Tina.

Right. But let's get back to the question. If your kid is at a wedding, start here or a big event like this and is like, you'll never discipline me in public and acting like that. Like what guidance could you give a parent to? Because these parents are at a loss too. Yeah. Well, what do you do? You take them from the room. Yeah. No matter how well behaved or unwell behaved, is that a word?

Poorly behaved. Poorly behaved. Sorry. Thanks, Charlotte. Unwell behaved? Poorly behaved. Poorly behaved, sorry, thanks Charlotte. Unwell behaved. Puky behaved. Puky behaved. You never try as much as you can to not parent your child in front of anyone, especially a nanny around that,

someone who's gonna step in. Bring them out of the room, calmly, get down to their level and tell them exactly what's expected of them and what will happen if they continue to behave like this. Right, but ideally the preparation starts a week beforehand. Oh absolutely, talk to them about weddings, what's expected of them. Absolutely. Now look, that's not gonna happen here. This auntie can't do that.

Yeah. But what do I always say if it's not your child? All you can do is manage the situations you find yourself in with that kid. And if it's a child under the age of 10 and they're acting inappropriately and you are the only grown up there, yeah, you can discipline them. You can go down and tell them, this is not OK. You're not supposed to behave like this at a wedding.

You need to up your game. Doesn't that depend on your relationship with your brother or sister, whoever's kid it is? Yeah, but I really feel like if you witness a child pushing and you're the only grown up there, you do have a responsibility to get down to that child's oven and say, that's dangerous play. You're not allowed to do that now. I've seen you do it.

If you do it again, you'll have to come away. You won't be allowed to play with those kids for a while. Is there an argument for getting down to the level and saying, I've seen you pushing. It's dangerous. If I see you doing it again, I will get the manager of this hotel. I don't think kids are afraid like that anymore. I don't know. There has to be some boogie man.

I don't think. I mean, we grew up in a time where the manager of the hotel would already have thrown you out. But we also grew up in a time where the manager's hotel would already have thrown you out. But we also grew up in a time when you could point to any stranger. Yeah. You see that big gigantic man? I'll get him to come over here and sit on you. Yeah. And it just didn't work. It didn't work. I remember a friend of mine who was about six foot six being told this on a train.

It's like that man there is going to smack your bottom. And he was like, I'm never going to smack your butt up and he was like I'm never gonna solve this kid and that's where it always felt down because the person who was pointed out would always go no that's I'm not doing that yeah like he's going to give you a wedgie it's an excellent question and it's really hard to know how to help her like I feel like she's right. It's not her kid. It's a shame she's going to have to watch a very hard transition happen where he probably, unless the parents listen to this podcast and jump on it and get down and set some boundaries,

it's hard not to predict that the next stage of his behavior is going to be a bit wilder. Remember that time we were at the Lyreth Estate Hotel in Kilkenny and we saw a dad who was being really aggressive with his kid in the pool, dunking him in the water, that was horrific, shaking him, shouting into his face. We weren't the only ones who saw that. Everyone saw it. And we went down a rabbit hole of going, well, what if you're not even related to

the kid, when can you step in? Yeah, we should have. We should have. Now we know that we should have made conversation with that guy. You're not supposed to agitate them. You're supposed to just talk. That's where we got to. Yeah. Was you you kind of meet them on the sideline and go, oh,

aren't they little bollocks at this age? She can't do that when she's a relative. It's just too hard. Yeah, isn't it so funny? And she's a teacher. So they think she's judging their kid unfairly. She can't do much. Men Behaving Better, which was kind of my Me Too podcast that I put out.

They're brilliant. There's a series of them available if you're a member of this podcast, so you can get the full access to that, and it was covered topics like, you know, how do I call out a family member who's being sexist or whatever? And at Christmas time was the time this episode's recorded. And we kind of arrived at the conclusion that you can't. Everyone was like, yeah, you should. But you can't if you want to maintain the peace.

If you want to maintain the peace, that's what it comes down to. Are you willing to fall out with this person for this? Well, then fire ahead. But if you want a relationship, you're not much here's an idea. Right. Last jarlo idea thrown in here. Tina's given you all the advice that you need, just like the woman at Poppentry Park runs it, Tina has the answers. I throw in a few curveballs. Here's one, right?

If you're the auntie or the uncle who's watching all this and you've resigned yourself to the idea that, look, it's going to be a rough few years of this kid becoming uncute and this behavior being reined in in the most abrasive way possible. Can you become a source of motivation for the kid? You go, hey, if I see you today being super well behaved, I have a prize for you. Well I think, you know, if you're around enough to become like a beacon of positivity for them, absolutely. But even at a wedding though, if you go,

if you go, now you're one of the older fellas here, I want to see you being a great lad showing these lads how you're meant to be at a wedding. Yeah, if you find yourself at you're one of the older fellas here. I want to see you being a great lad, showing these lads how you're meant to be. If you find yourself at events with this kid who you know will have had nothing explained to him and is just expected to know how to behave. There's no harm as the Ante getting down to his level and talking on Tureish. If you already know what is going to happen, if you don't, there's no harm in that. But you can't, what's the word? Bribe him. No, you can't, there's no harm in that. But you can't. What's the word? Bribe him.

No, you can't discipline him. No, no, that's not your response. You can't pull a wooden spoon from your back. No, you cannot pull a wooden spoon out. You can't threaten or discipline him. He is not your child. Not that I'm condoning threatening kids, but I'm just saying you don't that would be overstepping.

My suggestion was to bribe him. My suggestion was literally to be like, I have something very special in my handbag. And if I see you being a great lad at this wedding, I'm going to give you a prize. That won't work for a kid like that. No. They'll want it straight away. Give it to me now. What's in your handbag? I'm going to steal your bag.

Yeah, I'd be really surprised if that worked. Okay, well, I hope that somehow let us know how it goes the next time. What whatever you've got coming up. And if you've been in this situation, please do email the show. Honey, you're ruining our kid at gmail.com. I don't know if you know this, Tina, but I check your phone all the time to see who you're messaging. I do that to you all the time. It's not even a joke.

Do you? No. What a breach. If I'm bored, I do it. If your phone's beside me or something, I'll go, hmm, it's been texting Charlotte. What? Really? And you don't think that's a breach of, like, what if I was arranging nice things for you? And now you blew it. That's not a possible one. Best crack yesterday was when you turned to me and said yeah I'm having awful trouble

with Father's Day stuff. That was great crack. Well I get that you reacted badly to it. I've been trying to do Father's Day for you and it's not going well. Yeah. Oh how romantic. I was thinking. and it's not going well. Like, yeah. Oh, how romantic. Thank you. You keep telling me you're having a nightmare. I'm such a pain in the hip. That's fantastic.

Mikey's laughing too. Mikey's in the background. That is not how it happened. We should get Mikey on here. That's pretty much what happened. This next question is all about checking your kids's phone and finding out stuff from it. OK, this mom says, Tina and Jarrod, what do I do if I discover my kid is having a lot of arguments in group chats? So imagine that's WhatsApp stuff.

Yeah. Due to his behavior. Also, the arguments are due to his behavior. Oh my God. Such as swearing, foul language. I thought that was the same thing. Spamming random things. Oh, so he's like putting gifts in the chat. Yeah, he's the boil of the group.

How do I help them without them realizing I've been checking their phone? OK, I have so many things, so many things straight away. I'm sorry, if your kid has a phone, it is your responsibility to check it. So bananas to that. So I knew you were gonna say that. Did you?

Yeah, because my first thought was like, well, why do you not feel entitled to check your kid is safe? No, and also. That's really what the checking is about. And I'm sure. You're checking on their wellbeing. And I'm pretty sure the other arguments are coming from other parents checking the phone and getting their kids to react to what your kid is saying.

Yeah. But I think that if she's going, right, OK, well, I'll take that on board right away. I need to institute a situation where I'm allowed check my kids phone at any time. I think that will be really telling in terms of whether your kid already knows this stuff is nonsense. If you say, listen, I've had a message from the school and they want all parents checking their kids phones. Brilliant idea.

I want to have to do it, but I understand the reasons for it. If they're like, let me have my phone. I need to delete everything. Well, then they know they've been acting the bollocks. That's really clever. I mean, we, we had like, what do you call it? A deep dive. What would you say when you're held

underwater and you come up and you feel really refreshed? Like we had one of those experiences of this when all Mikey's friends in England first got their phones and one of the friends was sending really inappropriate things and his parent wasn't checking his phone. We were all checking the phones and we had to get in touch with that mom. That mom was mortified. She had to talk to her son about what's appropriate to share and not share. And it was fixed easily because she was able to go, OK, I've trusted you to behave. You haven't behaved responsibly.

Now I have to check your phone every evening. And it was a real lesson. And not only do you have to check it because of what your child's doing, but you do have to keep an eye on what's been said to your kid. Obviously, when they get a bit older, you have to allow them more freedom and trust. But, you know, you still have to have an understanding that if you have to intervene and pick up that phone, that's absolutely fine. You're paying the bill.

Talk to a few dads about this, actually. And one of them said that the way that he did it was everyone has the pass codes for everyone's phones, including his own. OK. And he was like, I should be able to pick up your phone and check it at any moment without you being like, oh, God, I got to delete that. And that's one method that's like we're an open house. Well, that's very nice because that's being respectful.

Yeah. And showing them that you would never use your phone for anything inappropriate. You expect the same of them. Right. But where does privacy begin then? Like, surely your child should have some privacy? Not when it comes to the phone because phones are too dangerous. They just are. You just don't know what they're being exposed to on their phone and if they're below the age of 16 you have got to keep an eye on it. But what if they just are like mom I want to be able to

have private conversations with my friends. Well they're doing that anyway. Do it in person. And they delete their messages. And they're doing it anyway. Yeah. They do. It's just that our kid's in the room now. And he's not looking too happy either, but he knows well. He knows the rules. Yeah. I mean, I think clarity has always been the thing that you've preached on this. Even if you don't check, sorry for cutting over you there,

but even if you don't check the phone every night, the idea that they know you might will be enough for them to rein in their behavior. I think that maybe the fact that your kid knows that you're not checking their phone is the reason why they're behaving like this. Mm hmm. Yeah. And you're not doing them any favors. They're getting a rep. You're doing them no favors. They're people. People are finding them annoying and they're finding them vulgar.

Well, half the reason why there's so much abuse on these social media platforms is the anonymity. There doesn't feel like there's any consequence to it. Although my friend Bobby Marr, he's a Canadian comedian, tracked down somebody. I think I should put a link to this. He tracked down somebody that was giving him grief online, went to their shop where they worked and filmed him shouting the stuff that they were putting in his videos. No way. That's amazing. And, you know, I'm not saying that that's the way to go ahead with this, but the consequence needs to be there.

And I think we are in a wild, wild west kind of era of we look back and go, do you remember lads used to be able to say anything? Free Guy does a really good job of it, too. That Ryan Reynolds movie Free Guy, it does a really good job of showing who are the faces behind the people shedding things. And sometimes they're just tiny little kids. And sometimes it does a really good- Completely forgotten about that movie.

I love that movie. But also no harm to watch The Social Dilemma with your child. It's a documentary on Netflix that if you haven't watched it, nevermind. It's really hard watch. You need to watch it. Because you'll suddenly be like, oh my God, I got to put out my phone. Absolutely. It's healthy.

The phone gets thrown away. We rewatch it because then you fall back into old habits and then you're like, I need to watch that again and remind myself that even the people who make these apps and are afraid of them. So your first step here, Tina, for somebody or anybody who is afraid of their kid learning that they're checking their phone is to do away with the situation where there's no checking of phones going. Absolutely. I mean, if you have a phone, it should be under the knowledge that it gets checked.

Now, in this situation, I think your idea was brilliant. That mom just comes in and says there's been a message from the school. There's been inappropriate messages being shared on the groups. Nobody's quite sure who it is, but all parents have now been told they have the responsibility to check the phone every evening. So before you go to bed, you leave your phone there. I will be checking your messages and watch your child crap the pants.

Tears. But then it's not you. You're not being the bad guy. You're just doing what you're told. And also it tells you that they're aware. Yeah, this isn't OK. I haven't been behaving well. If they hand the phone over like, yeah, Jugga,

and it's them go fuck you. And that's another conversation you got to be ready to have. Yeah. If you are at the end of your tether, if you are absolutely done in terms of your patience with your kids, which most people are at the moment, this might be the question you need to listen to. I'm a first time on my three and a half year old little lad who I adore so much.

But over the past three months he's become unbearable. Talking me wrong, he has some really good days, but the majority of the time he's pulling my hair, biting, nipping, spitting, doing things on purpose for a reaction and is causing arguments between me and my husband because we're both just at our wits end and feel like we've got no control left. Even when we pick him up from nursery,

he runs off from us or my parents or my sister who sometimes picks him up. We've he runs off from us or my parents or my sister who sometimes picks him up. We've only been notified of two incidents like this at nursery but then get told he's mostly a good boy there. He's mostly happy at home, regularly tells me, tells us he loves us as we do him, tells us we're his best friends etc. He gets everything he wants and I think we may have been too soft on him. We take him on regular days out. We treat him. We reward him when he's being a good boy.

But the majority of the time, he just doesn't listen. Is this normal, Tina? When does it get better? Because I'm absolutely at my wits end. OK, well, we did. We all know that three is the age when they start to really push the boundaries. I mean, you know, they're also in a very high sensitive place

of order and order to them, what makes sense to them. So it's a very tricky one to navigate because some of the behaviors are frustration with the world and other behaviors are just like, I want my own way. And it's kind of trying to navigate which are which. Now, when it comes to a three year old, she mentioned the running off. There are some behaviours that you just cannot allow even the chance to happen. And those are called, is it safe?

Is that a safe behaviour? And for me with that straight away, she needs to get one of those leads. Those kids leads you can have. Yeah we have one of that. Yeah and even if you never use it, you need to at pick up from nursery say to your child, I am going to give you the chance to hold my hand and walk home. But if you run off, you are being, the lead is going to be put on. Because it is my job to keep you safe.

And when you run off that is not safe and I cannot allow you to do that. So if you're not able to hold my hand, you will have to wear the lead. And most of the time, the child will choose not to wear the lead. But if you have to put it on, it is no harm. It will only be for a very short amount of time. They will try and prove to you fairly quickly that they know what safe means and how to be safe. And you can just get rid of that thing then, hopefully.

So it sounds like trying to get that lead on will result in biting, scraping. Well, unfortunately, that is, that might happen. And you just have to cope with that as gently as you can. She has mentioned that he's biting, spitting and everything. Those are all very attention seeking behaviors. So that tells you that whatever reaction you're giving him, he's enjoying it. And I know I say this so much, but children just want your eye contact. They just want your attention. So it's really important at other times of the day to give them the same amount of attention you would if you were giving out to them. When we give out to kids, we tend to really look at them and really show that we're here.

Sometimes that's all they want. So they will do the bad behaviors just to get that one-on-one time where you're looking at them and they're getting all this feedback. This is probably the most covered area on this with you and any of the parenting podcasts I listen to, any of the books I've read, any of the YouTube channels, this craving of attention in any form. Any form at all. They just want the eye contact. It becomes nearly a game. And that's why unconsciously the child is not being like, what's the word, conniving or anything,

it's unconscious behavior, but they're seeking out, they're craving the eye contact and attention and they'll get it any way they can. And to a parent, that makes zero sense. But when you worked with kids for a long time and you see the patterns, that's why I always say,

it's really important in those moments, never to be unkind to your child, but to not react and not give the eye contact. Don't give them loads of chash. Don't give them eye contact. You save that for when they're behaving and they're doing nice things. You know, if your child bites you,

it's very important to first of all, release yourself from that bite, distract them doing something else, and then later on talk to them about the behaviour and how that was not okay. If you give a lot of feedback at the time, you're going to get bitten again. Also, if you have a biter in your house, that is a child who's seeking out sensory information for their meds. So, you know, that's a child who needs to be biting apples, eating crunchy carrots, eating crusty rolls. Sometimes that child is biting because they actually need to bite. And when they feel frustrated, that's where they feel like they need to clench. That's why they do that behavior, because they're just like, oh, I need to bite now. And then it's already happened and they feel

awful about it. But if if you do the exercises or just give them crunchy things to bite now and then it's already happened and they feel awful about it but if you do the exercises or just give them crunchy things to bite you might just avoid that behaviour easy. Now you've obviously trained in all of this and you know your job when you're teaching meant that you were conditioned to not respond. Absolutely and I know it's very hard to just start practicing those things. Absolutely. But you know why it is easy for it to adapt to this way? Sorry, my voice is really hurting. Is you see the results so quickly. You see the change in the child so fast. It really, really works. Here are the three main tips if you have a child who's misbehaving at the age of three. First of all, distraction. Just get them doing something else. If you see them doing something that they're not supposed to be doing, just go, you come here with me,

I've got something to show you. Turn on the water, give them a brush, get their hands busy, distract them, prevent that behavior from even happening by just changing their state. That is super helpful. That really works. Then if they're in it, if they're pulling your hair, if they're, you know, biting you just release yourself from those things. Now, the way you release yourself from a bite is you push into the bite, the mouth automatically opens. The same with the hair, you push the hair in, they'll release it. Then don't overreact, don't give them the eye contact to that. Save that to later, save that to when they're in a calm place where you can actually talk to them. Either just remove yourself from the situation as long as they're safe or go back to distraction, get them doing something else.

And the third tip is find moments in the day when you spot that kid doing something incredible and give them loads of praise for it. Get down to their level, be like, you're amazing. I've noticed how hard you're trying. Look how you did this. This is so impressive to me. I can see trying, telling them they're trying is really important because they're like, oh, they know this thing and they get the eye contact they want. And they get the little hugs and they get the squeezes and they get the one-on-one time that they're seeking out.

Well, that's massively helpful. I'd imagine this is going to help an awful lot of people. But one positive in the email is that this kid is clearly behaving fine in school. Yeah, but there and and she should take solace from that because the nursery would tell her there has been two incidences and they were very honest about that. I would ask them how they dealt with it and what was the aftermath? Like, did he try and bite or anything like that? And if so, what did they do?

Because they might have tips for her on how to, you know, get him out of the behavior, out of the frustration. I wonder how good his language is and his emotions. Like, helping your child to know how to express themselves is really important. Like, we were at a family event at the weekend and there was a little four year old there

and she was able to say, I am sad because I feel lonely. Yeah. And Wylah got a massive reaction from the whole room because it's the cutest thing ever. I was so impressed. I was so impressed that that little girl

was able to tell us exactly why she was sad and how it could be fixed. And that's what they need. You will have less frustration in your life if your child is more able to vocalize or show you how they're feeling. So working on feelings is so important.

Well, Tina, thanks so much for this. As always, thank you guys for listening. Maybe give us a rating, comment so much for this. As always, thank you guys for listening. Maybe give us a rating comment and subscription this week. We've only got a couple of episodes left before the summer, right? Well, this is our second last episode. Next week's our last one. The last one before the summer holidays.

Please come over to patreon.com forward slash Irishmanabroad to hear what we're talking about over there, which is the kids that are aimless this summer, trying to give them some direction that is focused by them, by their creation, not you imposing it upon them. And the kids that won't go to school, these final few weeks are tough to get them in there. And if you're in the UK, it's more than a few. Yeah, it's about two months in school. Two months left.

How do you get your kid to go to school if they simply refuse to get out the door? The number one problem at the moment. Number one problem is school refusal. You'll need Tina's tips on that over on patreon.com forward slash IrishmanRotina. Thank you so much as always. Thank you, Gerard.