How to Be a Better Human - How to love your complicated family (w/ Ashley C. Ford)

Episode Date: August 18, 2025

What parts of yourself did you lose as you grew up? This is one of the central questions asked in Ashley C. Ford’s memoir, Somebody’s Daughter. Ashley joins Chris to talk about growing up with an incarcerated father, grappling with a complicated relationship with her mother, and how writing can be a way of processing and understanding your life. They also discussed why adults become less kind to kids, how libraries can become safezones, and how to confront the messy parts of childhood.FollowHost: Chris Duffy (Instagram: @chrisiduffy | chrisduffycomedy.com)Guest: Ashley C. Ford (Instagram: @smashfizzle | Website: ashleycford.net/) LinksSomebody’s DaughterSubscribe to TED Instagram: @tedYouTube: @TEDTikTok: @tedtoksLinkedIn: @ted-conferencesWebsite: ted.comPodcasts: ted.com/podcastsFor the full text transcript, visit go.ted.com/BHTranscriptsFor a chance to give your own TED Talk, fill out the Idea Search Application: ted.com/ideasearch.Interested in learning more about upcoming TED events? Follow these links:TEDNext: ted.com/futureyou Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at Fiz.C. The last time I nicked my finger, I threw on a bandage, took care of it right away.

But when I brushed my teeth and saw blood in the sink, I shrugged it off. It's time we stop ignoring our gum bleeding. Use Colgate periogard to significantly reduce gum bleeding and inflammation. It helps fight bacteria that can lead to early gum disease and improves gum health with daily use. So just like you take care of your cuts, help take care of your gums with Colgate Periogard. Healthy gums, confident smile. Say hello savings and goodbye worries with Freedom Mobile. Get 60 gigs to use in Canada, the U.S. and Mexico for just $39 a month.

Plus get a one-time use of five gigs of roam beyond data. Conditions apply, details at freedommobile.com. You're listening to How to Be a Better Human. I'm your host, Chris Duffy. Today, we're going to be talking to Ashley C. Ford about processing your life through writing. For me, for years, I have journaled every day. Occasionally, I might have to miss a morning, but I really try my hardest not to. And most of what I write in my journal is just completely mundane nonsense that I'm never going to go back to and reread.

It's a lot of entries about needing to clean my desk or how hard it is to write. You know, it's not exactly Pulitzer Prize-winning material. But occasionally, when I'm writing something about my life, like, say, an intro for this podcast, I go back into an old journal to capture the details of a particular moment or the exact wording of what was running through my head on a day in the past. Those journals can be a source of that raw material. And for me, one of the biggest reasons that journaling matters is because it's a way of processing my life, of putting words onto the page and figuring out what I think, creating a narrative of what has happened to me. Now, today's guest, Ashley C. Ford is one of the absolute best people in the world at this.

She is the author of the bestselling memoir, Somebody's Daughter, which is one of the most beautiful books I've ever read. It's a masterclass in nuance, empathy, and making meaning out of even really terrible life experiences. But if you haven't read the book, I don't want to spoil it too much because it's funny, it's touching, it's deeply, deeply moving. The basic plot is that it is about Ashley's childhood, growing up with a father who was in dealing with abuse and violence in her own life and figuring out what it means to have your love for someone not be based on the worst thing that they ever did. It's a book that's really impossible to reduce into just a few words. So to give you a taste of Ashley's writing

and the way that she manages to be so honest while also not flattening her story, here's a clip from somebody's daughter where Ashley is talking on the phone with her mom as an adult. And this is from the audiobook. I'd gotten up from dinner to take the call from my mother. She still lived in Fort Wayne, my hometown. We hadn't lived in the same city or the same house since I left for college 11 years earlier. She called every few weeks, I answered every other call, and we usually had a good time talking for 10 to 15 minutes.

I taught myself to keep our phone conversations light, or as I like to think of it, complication-free, without lying. I didn't want to lie to her. her. I wanted to be able to talk to my mother the way I could with most other people, as myself. But she wasn't just anybody. She was my mother, so that was impossible. There were limits. We only dove into subjects that wouldn't end in arguments, which was mostly whatever would make us both laugh. When she said that thing to me, that I could always come home, Part of me wanted to reply,

Mama, I love you. But I'll work myself past the white meat down to the bone and fistfight every stranger I run across on the street before we live under the same roof again. That was the hyperbolic expression of a feeling I did not allow myself to verbalize

for fear of ruining our smooth interaction. And it would have. There was no way to make it sound like a joke because in some way, I wasn't joking. I got angry with myself for even thinking the thought because I knew it would hurt her to know it had ever been in my mind. I got mad at myself too

for not saying it out loud anyway, for not caring if it hurt her, if it meant telling the truth. We're going to be back with Ashley C. Ford in just a moment. We're going to talk about her story. We're going to talk about what it takes to write her story. write truthfully about yourself and the people you love, and we're going to talk about how to process your life on the page. All that right after this break.

This episode is sponsored by Cozy. You know, sometimes we treat furniture shopping like a major life event, overwhelming, expensive, time-consuming, but what if it didn't have to be? Cozy is changing that narrative with its modern, adaptable, and worry-free approach to furniture. Their modular designs are built for real life, with pieces you can easily assemble, rearrange, and clean without the stress. What I appreciate about Cozy is how they've created furniture that grows with you. Add sections to your sofa, swap covers when you need a refresh, or transform your living room with their innovative modular sofa beds.

It's all about your home, your way. They've made it simple to open up new possibilities at home, whether you're upgrading your space or just rearranging for a fresh start. Transform your living space today with Cozy. Visit Cozy.ca, spelled C-O-Z-E-Y, the home of possibilities made easy. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore?

FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.C. The last time I nicked my finger, I threw on a bandage, took care of it right away. But when I brushed my teeth and saw blood in the sink, I shrugged it off. It's time we stop ignoring our gum bleeding. Use Colgate Periogard to significantly reduce gum bleeding and inflammation.

It helps fight bacteria that can lead to early gum disease and improves gum health with daily use. So just like you take care of your cuts, help take care of your gums with Colgate periogard. Healthy gums, confident smile. Today, we're with Ashley C. Ford talking about how to make meaning of your life through writing and what it takes to see nuance and beauty in yourself and others. Hi, I'm Ashley C. Ford, author and podcast hosts. I'm so excited to be here and can't wait to talk. The thing that I wanted to kind of talk about a lot in this interview, about writing itself. And I think you have this way of capturing imagery in writing. that's so vivid, especially imagery of like being a young kid and these like really powerful moments. And I think it's rare for writers to capture that in nonfiction because we tend to like

get stuck on plot and like what drives the A, led to B, led to C. Yeah. How do you as a writer like mind your own experiences, but also how does that change the way that you remember them? You know, memoir for me is about what we remember, right? At its core, it's about what is this individual person remember about their lives, what is the lens that they filter that memory through? How do you choose to share that memory? Do you choose to share that memory? How much do you trust your memory? All of those things, right? And my relationship with my memory has been one that is both a blessing and a curse. My memory tends to lock down, right? Like, I lock on to things and I can remember things vividly. I remember colors. I remember details. I remember

what people were wearing. I remember the pitch of their voices. I remember the pitch of the voices behind their voices, you know, all of those things. It's like being back in that moment. There are a few reasons why I think that's the case. One of those reasons is my eyesight. I have really, really terrible eyesight. And I do mean terrible, legally blind without my glasses. eyesight. And I spent most of my life up until around fourth grade not having glasses, even though my eyesight was that bad. I sort of dealt with that or I think just moved around it because I didn't know my eyesight was bad or how bad it was by memorizing where things were, memorizing details that could be seen in a fuzzy way and not necessarily

clearly, you know, I still fall asleep sometimes to the show Golden Girls because I can close my eyes and still picture all of the scenes and I can know where they are in the house by the tone of their voices. I know what episode it is and what plot point is coming next based on the color of the dress that Dorothy or Sophia is wearing, you know, and it's because as a child I fell asleep watching Golden Girls, but I couldn't see the television. So everything that I remembered was just how the colors and the shapes and the sounds moved around the screen instead of very clear, vivid details. And that's how my memory has continued to work over the years. My husband's always like, you can find anything. And it's because my brain sort of takes a snapshot when I

turn, when I look into a room to remember where everything is in case I lose my glasses or in case I can't see. So that's part of it. Another part of it is that I come from what I call the hook generation of kids. You know, I grew up on films that very much held on to the plot point and encouraged the plot point that something happened in adulthood, something was lost in adulthood, a magic, an ability to see, an ability to feel, an ability to know, and that there was something that adults were doing, something very mysterious, that forced them to have to suppress what they knew and what they felt was possible in the world. And I thought that when I encountered adults who were less than kind to children, it was because they were trapped. They'd forgotten

what it was like to be children. They'd forgotten what they knew when they were children. And in order to survive in the world, and that had caused them to become adults who hurt children directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously, that whatever they lost, whatever they couldn't remember, made them the way they were and was essentially at the core of the reasons why I suffered. So, yeah, when I'm writing memory, I'm writing from this very personal experience of memory that as I think about it, you know, more as I grow, I see all these moments that changed how I memorize things and how I share things, but also, you know, feels very true and very real to me. And I like to respect and honor past versions of me by

sharing things the way they remember them. I had never thought about that connection between vision and memory. And it's really interesting because I have really good vision. Don't need glasses. And I have such bad memory. I mean, like, I write for almost the exact opposite reason, which is like I write things down. I'm really like big into journaling and writing because if I don't, they just disappear. The narratives that stay for me are the narratives that are like ones that I tell or that other people around me tell over and over. And so I have this real sense that like my memory is a shifting sand and it is not necessarily reliable. I never even thought before that might be connected to vision and to the way that I can see things and kind of constantly check.

And I have written and talked very much about the fact that I remember deciding to make memories as a child. I remember having these moments and saying to myself, this is one of those things you've got to hold on to. This is one of those things you've got to remember. This is one of those things that you need to be able to recall because this is going to help you make sure you're the person that you want to be as you get older and that you're not just doing. things because that's what other people are doing or because someone else says that that's what's right. If you remember this moment right now, then it will protect you from a future version of yourself who doesn't care or who doesn't think to care. I was very, very concerned about that. I also had this thing where I was convinced when I was a kid that I was supposed to be

able to remember my father who had truly only been in my life for seven, six, six, six, or seven months before he went to prison, but I felt guilty about not being able to remember him. And it made me sort of feel like I was in this relationship with my memory. It felt not necessarily separate from me, but it felt like it felt like intention could be more important than anybody else seemed to indicate that it was. I want to talk a little bit more about that, like making memory as a way of shaping who you want to be because that strikes me is something that really we could all be doing. And I think I'm at least so rarely conscious of that,

of being like, this is something I want to remember because I want to be like this or not be like this or care for people who go through this. Like I said, as a kid, I definitely felt this guilt about not being able to remember my dad who was incarcerated about seven months after my birth, which it makes total sense, right, that I don't remember this man.

but I felt really, really bad about it. And I found that I would have these moments when I was alone, and especially when I was confused or when I was afraid, or when I was very angry in an indignant kind of way, when I had been blamed for doing something I didn't do, when I was in trouble for something that I didn't think I should be in trouble for, because I felt like a very reasonable child. I felt like when I was in trouble for something that I did that was bad,

I never really fought that. I was like, yeah, I messed up. I know what I did, and that was not the right thing to do. And while I don't want to be in trouble right now, I get it. But if I didn't get it, it didn't just feel like anger or sadness. It felt like reacting to betrayal. and feeling very, very, very betrayed. In those moments, the thing that I was probably most cognizant of

was the helplessness of childhood, the reality of being a child and looking at the adults around you knowing that they are essentially responsible for every part of your life for the next several years longer than you can really fathom at that time and feel like you don't trust those adults, or you don't think that they actually have your best interest at heart or noticing little flaws or weaknesses in their personalities that feel dangerous to you in an existential way.

So I knew I was going to grow up. I knew I was going to get older. I didn't know what happened to make adults so different from kids, but I knew that I liked the kids. version of me. And I desperately wanted to hold on to her, even if other people didn't like her. And even if other people didn't care about her. And even if they called her bad, and even if they called her wrong or whatever, I loved her. And I wanted to keep her. I wanted to keep me forever. So I knew that my body would change. I knew that where we lived, our relationships

could and would change, but the things I wanted to hold on to, I could keep in my mind. And so I made a memory, I guess, the way a child thinks to make a memory, which is to sit quietly and close your eyes, be in the moment, replay the moment in your head,

and feel everything around you and be very, very, I guess, what I would call now present. I don't just remember, like, myself sitting quietly. I remember the air. I remember the way things smelled. I remember the way my clothes felt against my body. You know, I can feel the different shape of my body. We're talking about it in the context of you being a child. Have you done this as an adult too? Have you done this recently, this idea of intentionally making memories? You know, it's been a while. I live with a

different. The stakes feel different as an adult. I trust myself a lot more as an adult to be able to remember my values more than a specific moment to fuel me. And I find that I kind of like the surprise as an adult of remembering things that I did not expect to remember and that I didn't try to remember. That's a different experience of my memory. And I've really been enjoying it. And I don't think that I've been in a place of really trying to make those memories. I find it easier to be in the moment now. I find it easier to trust my ability to recall things without having to take that snapshot. We're going to take another quick break right now, but then we'll be right back.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at Fizz.C. The last time I nicked my finger, I threw on a bandage, took care of it right away.

But when I brushed my teeth and saw blood in the sink, I shrugged it off. It's time we stop ignoring our gum bleeding. Use Colgate Periogard to significantly reduce gum bleeding and inflammation. It helps fight bacteria that can lead to early gum disease and improves gum health with daily use. So just like you take care of your cuts, help take care of your gums with Colgate periogard.

Healthy gums, confident smile. Say hello savings and goodbye worries with Freedom Mobile. Get 60 gigs to use in Canada, the U.S. and Mexico for just $39 a month. Plus get a one-time use. of five gigs of roam beyond data. Conditions apply. Details at freedommobile.com. And we are back. Today we're with Ashley C. Ford, the author of the best selling memoir, somebody's daughter. I think sometimes when people have written about tough experiences in their life, right? Like having your father be incarcerated, having experiencing sexual assault, having like people in your life experience

violence or you experiencing violence. People like only see you through the lens of like the very serious stuff. And you are also so funny and silly and joyful. And how have you changed like the way you think about like humor and silliness and just goofiness? I've always been the jokester. I've always sort of been the class clown, the personality higher, if you will. I've been that person my whole life. I did stand-up comedy for years when I was in college and really loved it and stopped mostly because I didn't like comedians very much, even though I loved doing comedy. But I've always been funny. It's been my crutch.

It's been the thing that helped me form most of my relationships from the beginning, my friendships. It's the reason why my teachers and professors loved me, even though I was not always doing great in their classes. It really greases a lot of wheels to be a person who, you know, makes people laugh in general. And since the book has come out, one of the trickiest things has been having conversations with people who really want to talk to me from a place of, you know, know, taking the issues that happened in my book seriously, which I do take seriously and I talk about and write about very seriously because that's what it is. You know, that's just the reality. But like most things in reality, it's complex. There is no version of funny Ashley who didn't go through the things that I've been through. There's no version of serious

Ashley, who doesn't know how to make a joke. Like, those are just things that don't exist separately. I get a lot of, I loved your book. I didn't expect you to be so bright. I didn't expect you to be so joyful. You know, my husband, who is the manager of a bookstore and is probably responsible for 90% of the books I've sold in the last year because, boy, does he move those books from that bookstore.

But he tells people all the time when they go to buy the book or are questioning, you know, whether or not they should get the book. He always says, you know, you want to read it and you want to think about it. But just remember, she turns out okay. And this has been a great dichotomy in my life, you know, that I've always, I think, like I said, been the funny person, been the person who can make people joke. But I've also always pretty easily made people cry. by talking with them, by telling them stories, by sharing with them. And even though now I accept the reality that both of those things are true about me for a very, very long time, I found them both startling. I couldn't believe that anybody thought I was funny enough to laugh.

And I couldn't believe that anybody thought what I said mattered enough to cry over it for a really, really long time. And I'm not sure where those things come from, except from being honest. It feels like there's three really big virtues that are kind of in communication here, right? Like honesty, creativity, and perseverance. And there's a way in which those three are really working together in your experience.

And I think many people find that like the more you're honest, the more creative you are. And the more creative you are, the more honest you can be. And then probably it would be a lot more difficult to persevere if you didn't have those two other things. Absolutely. I mean, I think sometimes people will say to me, man, you're so brave to have written these things. You are so, I couldn't have done it. I don't think I could have ever. And I want to tell them sometimes, I'm not as brave as I am tired.

I'm not. And I don't have the energy, literally, to pretend and to keep up a charade. I don't have it. I know some people do, they can do it every day, they live it every day, it works for them, but that's not what works for me. Like I said, not as brave as I am tired, because a lot of the choices that I make that people seem to admire don't necessarily come from this need or desire to be courageous as much as an exhaustion with pretend.

I can't pretend that I don't see what I see. I can't pretend I don't hear what I hear. Some people can. Good for them. I can't do it. And so I end up in these situations where it's like, yeah, I'm defending this. Or I seem relentless in my perseverance of something. But really what it is is I already know that that's the thing for me.

I already know that that's my next step. And in a lot of cases, I've tried to do it the other way. I've tried to do it what I thought was the easy way or what you think is the easy way for me. And I could not get motion. I couldn't get an inch forward. And a lot of times for me, and I think this is true for a lot of people, until you can be honest and start to create, you don't move. And stagnation to me feels worse. than almost anything else.

What do you do when you feel about, though? I hide. That's my first inclination, right, is to hide from myself, whatever that looks like. I know that I'm hiding from myself when I can't take silence. When I find myself having a moment of silence and desperately scrambling for my headphones, desperately scrambling for a podcast to listen to or a playlist or a huge, video or something like when I start feeling like absolutely not, Ashley, you cannot be with your own mind right now. When I find myself in those moments, I know that, yes, this is not

going well, Ashley, you're hiding from yourself. And I have to do the hard work of coming back into the light. I have to make sure that when I'm hanging out with my husband, I'm actually hanging out. Take the headphones off. Put the phone down. You're with somebody who you love and like spending time with. So spend time with him. Use your journal. Actually sit and write and journal. Listen to music without words if you're going to listen to music for a little while. Watch. Don't necessarily have to get into like new shows or anything like that. If you're going to watch a show, let's go back to something old and familiar that you know makes you feel good and warm and maybe even inspired even though it doesn't have to be that you have to get some sun on your

face and some air on your skin i know i'm in a bad place when i'm walking through the house and a window is open and i feel a breeze come through and it is startling it is shocking to feel air on my skin. And I, and then something happens and my eyes go big and I'm like, oh, you got to go outside. You have to go for a walk. You have to do something. It helps me to move and to be cognizant of all of the ways that a person moves because you don't just move your body, even though that's important. You got to move your mind. You got to move your heart. You got to move all of it. I got to call people I love and actually talk with them. I have to live my life in order to make things from my life.

I want to talk to you about a couple of passages in somebody's daughter, if that's okay. Absolutely. I think probably this has got to be one of the most quoted parts of the book and certainly one that people ask you about the most. It's a conversation with your father that you have towards the end of the book. And he says, do me a favor, Ashley. When you write about you and me, just tell the truth, your truth. Don't worry about nobody's feelings, especially not mine. You've got to be tough to tell your truth, but it's the only thing worth doing next to loving somebody.

I'm just curious how that passage has changed in meaning or if it has changed in meaning since the book has been published. It hasn't changed in meaning since the book has been published. You know, I wrote those words because of what they meant to me at the time. which was that my story was mine and I had to be able to respect and honor the voice of my child self enough to let her speak without tempering it with the feelings and concerns of the adults who loved her but could not show up for her the way they wanted to or the way she needed. It's okay. You know, for me to tell that story, and I continue to feel that way, that it was okay for me to tell that story, that it's okay for me to continue to talk about that story. All of the worst versions of what could happen, if people, especially people who I loved and cared about, hated it, all of those scenarios that I tossed back and forth in my mind as I was writing this book, and, you know,

even when I was writing that line, none of those things came to pass. none of those things came true. It's been an extremely positive experience and it still means what I felt like it meant there that my story is mine and it's worthy of being told no matter who listens or who cares. You also have this passage that really hits at the core of something that I really believe deeply too about books and libraries. This is early in the book, but you're talking about how your grandmother opened a world to you by bringing you to public libraries and really encouraging you. You say she sparked my lifelong love affair with stories. And once I lived with my mother again, my grandmother encouraged her to let my brother and me spend time at our

local public library. The library felt too good to be true. All those books on all those shelves and I could just pluck them out one by one, find an empty chair and read and read and read. When I realized nobody would stop me from browsing in the teen and adult sections, that books were a place where my age didn't matter as long as I could read the words in front of me, I found a home for my mind and spirit to take root. My imagination had already taken me on a million wild rides, but here was unlimited adventure. For the rest of my life, I would seek out the library the way some search for the soft light of a chapel in the dark. I could cry. I'm really trying not to right now because of how I feel about libraries and librarians, especially right now as I

think about them, you know, it's a lot of fear and heartbreak. So, you know, my experience was so beautiful. I mean, I loved my local library. It was one of the few places that I was allowed to walk to. I loved my local librarians. I loved the summer reading program, which is, you know, at the time, almost every book I owned came from the summer reading program because my mom didn't really biased books. But if I did the summer reading program, I could get free books from the library and I could keep them. And this is a really big deal for me at the time that I could write my name on the inside cover because it was my book and I would be able to hold on to my book. That's how I got into a lot of authors who I otherwise would not have picked up. That's where

I got my first Harry Potter book. That's where I got A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks. That's where I got Romeo and Juliet. That's where I got their eyes were watching God by Zora Neal Hurston. You know, I didn't have a plethora of options. And, you know, once we had a couple of late fines at the library, my mom was not going to pay them. So we couldn't leave with the books anymore, but we could still go and read them while we were there. When I was thinking about the book and I was thinking about these different threads and through lines that fed the narrative, one of the big ones was me picturing myself in all of the libraries in different places that I had lived and at different points in my life.

So I knew I wanted to say something about the library and what did it meant to me and how it sort of fed into me becoming this writer and becoming this creative person and how that, you know, essentially led to me being able to make it out of some of the circumstances that I was born into. I write this book and I write that passage and, you know, I did an event at the library in my hometown, you know, downtown and all of these people came and the librarians were so excited to meet me. And one of them was a librarian from my local branch. when I was a kid. Oh, wow. And I got to see her and tell her, you know, what she meant to me.

She asked me to sign her book. Yeah, I just, I love books and I love libraries and that's probably one of my most favorite things I've ever written. So there's this passage also in somebody's daughter that I wanted to read because I thought it was such a fascinating moment where you're writing about yourself, you're a young kid and it's your mom and your brother and you. you're playing this game. And basically the game is your mom turns off the lights and she says, I'm not your mother. And then she gets one of you. And you say, you got scared that it actually

wasn't your mother, that it was something else. And you run and you get a knife and you run towards her. And she turns on the light and she sees you holding the knife. And then this is what you wrote. When she saw me standing there four years old and more than ready to mortally wound her for daring to touch the person, your brother, I loved most in the world. She laughed. My mother laughed so hard she couldn't stop laughing. Her uncontrollable laughter made my brother and me laugh and we laughed with her. The three of us fell to the floor, clutched our stomachs and rolled around with laughter. My mother laughed until she wet herself and then she laughed harder. That was the last time we played that game, but there were others. It really stuck with me that moment because it's so funny and it's so

scary and tense and there's so much nuance in that. And so I think just selfishly as a person who thinks about comedy and humor, I'm just really curious to hear what you think about like laughing hard and it may be being a complicated laugh because I think we don't talk a lot about complicated laughs. Listen, complicated laughs are the story of my life. First of all, I grew up in a house where laughter was very much encouraged. There was a lot of anger in my house and there was a lot of fear in my house, but there was also a lot of laughter. And those existed within moments of each other sometimes. And I noticed that a lot of the things that I read and a lot of things that I saw kept these experiences so separate. And that was not what I had lived. That was not my experience.

There are many, I think, elements of the laughter, horror, fear, crying, like all of that. And a lot of it comes from like extreme emotion, but also a lot of it, at least in my opinion, in black households, comes from a great reverence for absurd humor. When something is absurd, I mean, and just why would that? happened? Why did that happen? That's when we laugh the most and the hardest. It's the something absurd happened, looking at each other, both realizing this is wild, and then just letting it fall apart and reacting to it in a way that's, I think, more so based in reality, because most things that are absurd should just be laughed at. They shouldn't be taken serious. seriously. And they shouldn't be feared. They should be cackled at. You should be in stitches

about that, not having to have fear or worry about it. And in black households or, you know, in an observance that I've made over the years is that in black households, there is a greater not just reverence for the absurd and humor, but also for reality. It's like it is what it is. there is a lot of acceptance of reality that must happen, that has to happen for reasons of survival in our community. And I think that translates into the home in a very, very similar way. That's part of the reason why I had such a hard time as a kid is because I felt like I was in a culture and in a community that demanded being able to see, recognize and process reality, but at times because I was a child asked me to ignore that or asked me to pretend that reality was different, not because it was different, but because

it made an adult feel more comfortable. And not only did I not like that, I found it tough to adhere to, really, really tough. And after a while, I just sort of gave up because I couldn't do it. And I just figured the world was just going to have to take me the way I was. Yeah. That is a lesson that a lot of people struggle their whole lives to learn, how to stay true to reality, even when that reality is not the story that other people want. So related to that, if someone's listening and they're interested in writing nonfiction, they're interested in writing memoir, but they're not quite sure how to go about it. They have some fear about telling their personal stories. What advice would you give to that person?

What would you say to someone who is thinking about writing about their own life? Well, the first thing I would say is that writing and publishing are not the same thing. If you feel like you want to write about your life and you're not sure if that's something you want to share or publish, those decisions can come later. There's nothing that says because you write something, you have to give it to anyone, show it to anyone or let anyone read it. You can go through it and figure out if the story is a story you want to share before you start thinking about, you know, how hard. it would be to share it. Another thing I would say is that silence is not an equitable trade for love. People who need you to be silent about the way you hurt them in order for you to prove that you love them or forgive them are not people who are loving you very well in that

request. It's a very human request to make, but it is not loving. And we have to decide whether or not we can allow a person to put those kind of parameters on their love for us or on our love for them. You have to come up with a really personal definition for what it means to love and care for others. And when you come up with that definition, I would hope that it does not require the lessening or darkening of yourself. What is your personal definition of love and care? My personal definition of love and care is extending kindness and compassion first and freely and trusting that the accountability I hold the people I love to is mutual and that they are

able to hold me accountable in those same ways and for those same reasons. I don't think that because I love a person, I need to or have to deny the parts of them that may be flawed or wanting. I think, in fact, that loving them requires me to be honest with them about those things. With love and compassion, I try to take the brutal part out of brutal honesty. I don't find that it's very helpful it also relates to i know something people ask you about a lot too which is um reconciliation you know when people ask me about things like how did you continue to love your dad after finding out what he did after knowing who he had hurt and the truth is i mean i can't really tell you how i can just tell you that i did you know it wasn't a matter of how do i go back to loving my

dad, how do I hold on to my love for my dad? It was that my love for my dad never went away. All of these other things came in. Like, the love was still there the whole time. I just stopped being ashamed of myself for loving him. Forgiveness, for me, is not about saying, hey, it's okay. Or, hey, you did the right thing. Or, hey, I agree with you. Forgiveness for me was giving up on the idea that it was going to be different. This is our life now. This is reality. This is what's true.

Let's start from here. And that's a decision that a person can make. That's the decision that I made. Let's start from here and move forward and see what happens. I don't have to forget anything. And I don't have to forgive him for anything specific. I don't have to say I forgive you for what you did. I don't have to say I forgive you for who you hurt.

A, I don't think I can forgive him for somebody else. And B, that's not what my forgiveness is. My forgiveness is you get to be part of my life. And we get to see what happens from here. Ashley C.4, this has been such a pleasure. Thank you so much for being on the show. Thank you, Chris. That is it for this episode of How to Be a Better Human.

Thank you so much to today's guest, Ashley C. Ford. Her book is called Somebody's Daughter, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. I am your host, Chris Duffy, and you can find more from me, including my weekly newsletter and other projects at chrisduffeycom. How to Be A Better Human is put together by a team who make meaning out of my audio files. On the TED side, we've got pod parents, Danielle Ballerzzo, Ban Ban, Chang, Michelle, Quint, Chloe Shasha Brooks, Valentina Bohanini, Laini Lat, Tansega-Sung-Menivong, Antonio Leigh, and Joseph DeBrine.

This episode was fact-checked by Julia Dickerson and Matthias Salas, who love a good non-fiction author. On the PRX side, this is true, they have worked with Ashley C. Ford before, and I have never heard them gush about someone the way they gush about her. Morgan Flannery, Norgill, Patrick Grant, and Jocelyn Gonzalez. Thanks again to you for listening. Please share this episode with a friend who helps you process your life and figure out the meaning of things. Share this with someone who you think would enjoy it. We will be back next week with even more How to Be a Better Human.

Until then, thanks for listening and take care. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The last time I nicked my finger, I threw on a bandage, took care of it right away. But when I brushed my teeth and saw blood in the sink, I shrugged it off. It's time we stop ignoring our gum bleeding. Use Colgate periogard to significantly reduce gum bleeding and inflammation. It helps fight bacteria that can lead to early gum disease and improves gum health with daily use.

So just like you take care of your cuts, help take care of your gums with Colgate periogard. Healthy gums, confident smile. Say hello savings and goodbye worries with Freedom Mobile. Get 60 gigs to use in Canada, the U.S., and Mexico for just $39 a month. Plus get a one-time use of 5 gigs of roam beyond data. Conditions apply, details at freedommobile.ca.