How to Be a Better Human - What do our guests do to be better humans?

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

This show is all about growth – and it’s always inspiring to know that the amazing guests we bring on still see room in their own lives to become better humans. This season TED Audio Collective+ subscribers on Apple Podcasts received bonus content, where guests shared the ideas that inspire them and the issues they are passionate about working on. We picked our favorites as a thank you to all listeners – but if you WANT to support this show, you can learn more about TED Audio Collective+ at podcasts.apple.com/ted-audio-collective Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Apple Watch Series X is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X.

Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. I'm Chris Duffy, and you're listening to How to Be a Better Human. One of my favorite parts of hosting this show is that every time we do an interview, I get to end that interview with the same two questions. The first thing that I say is, what is something that has helped you to be a better human? And then I ask, what is something that you are working on right now in yourself to be a better

human? The answers are so fascinating. And at least to me, the idea that these incredibly talented, accomplished, very good humans we have as our guests still have no shortage of things to work on in themselves is a huge relief. It's a reminder that none of us ever gets to a place where we are just a good person. It is always a process. It always involves learning and growing. And the suggestions that people give for things that have helped them in that journey run the gambit. I never know what a guest is going to say, and I am frequently very surprised and always delighted.

But here's the thing. Even though I ask those questions every interview, they often don't make it into the episodes that we put out. This season, we've been experimenting with releasing some of them as bonus content, but that means that they're behind a paywall. And now that we're at the end of the season, I want to make sure that everyone gets to hear some of the best bits. So today's episode is a compilation of the most interesting answers we got to those two questions. It's a jailbreak. We are busting the best moments out from behind

the paywall and bringing them straight to you. I hope that you enjoy these as much as I have. To get us started, here's how Casey Davis, host of the Struggle Care podcast and the author of How to Keep House While Drowning, answered the question, what is something that has helped you to be a better human? When I was in rehab, I went to rehab when I was 16. I was there for 18 months and I had a full identity crisis and everything I thought was true wasn't. And I didn't know whether to trust anyone. And I just completely lost myself. And there was this quote that was in a journal that someone gave me that said, in order to discover new lands, one must consent to lose sight of the shore for a very, very long time. And it really impressed upon me something that I've experienced

multiple times is that there's this in-between stage of being at sea where you've let go of what you were, but you can't see what you're going to, you've let go of what you were, but you can't see what you're going to. You've let go of what's behind, but you can't see what's ahead and that that's normal and it's scary, but you can't get to that place until you let go, until you move past, but trusting that that's the first step is just being willing to lose sight of the land. that like that's the first step is just being willing to lose sight of the land. I love that. What is one thing that you are personally doing right now to try and be a better human?

I am putting in a lot of effort into my own self-regulation because like I'm a yeller. I'm a yelling parent and I hate it so much. But what I've recognized is that it's not a self-discipline issue. It's a getting triggered issue. It's a, you know, self-regulation because of things that happened in my past. And what I'm doing is instead of like berating myself for yelling or telling myself, I just won't do it next time, sort of taking my own advice and going, okay, how can we work around this? What can I do? How can I listen to myself before I get there? In what ways can I change my environment so that I'm not getting as triggered? In what ways

can I, in that moment, sort of speak to my inner child so that I can calm her down and care for her so she doesn't feel like she has to get big and angry to protect herself. And I'm hoping that that breaks some of the generational impacts of anger in parenting. We're going to have so many more powerful moving moments from the past season and surprising recommendations over the course of this episode. But first, we are going to take a short break and we'll be right back after this. The Apple Watch Series X is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping.

And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required, charge time and actual results will vary. On today's episode, we're hearing from a range of guests over the past season

about how they answered the same two questions. What has helped you to be a better human? And what are you working on to be one right now? Here's Anne Helen Peterson, the writer and journalist. Several years ago, Anne moved from a big city to a small island off the coast of Washington state. And here's what she told me she's doing to try and be a better human right now. I am very good at being, at showing up and being there for my friends on the island that I knew before I moved here. But I also want to continue to like actually

create these bonds, the loose bonds that create community with people who I didn't know before. And like, I always talk myself out of the things that I could do to start doing that. It's also really hard. I think for a lot of people, if you're, so I'm 41, if you don't have kids, right? Like, and you're not retired, you're kind of, and you're not like, I don't know, a 21 year old, like you're in this really illegible space. They're like, what does that person do with their time? So if I had kids on the island, I would already have a network of friends, right? Because like I would meet all these other parents. If I was a retiree on the island, I would have other people who were doing the retiree thing,

but I am neither nor. And so I, it's really going to require work on my part to make those connections. So the next month I am going to show up at least one community event. There's also, they're starting in a gardening club. So I'm definitely going to join that. Apart from that. And then I'm also going to go on a walk with someone that I didn't

know before. Just be like, Hey, you want to go on a walk? Like there's all sorts of people that you kind of know, right? You're like, Oh, I say hi to that person every day when we walk by each other with our dogs, like that sort of thing. And so I'm, I'm also challenging others who are really interested in forming community to do that one hard thing that they keep talking themselves out of. So I'm interested to see how that goes. Something that I love about asking the same question to different guests is that surprising overlaps can emerge. People who I don't necessarily think of as working on the same thing end up sharing answers that feel like they're in dialogue with each other. Like, here's a fun overlap. Both Cord Jefferson and Jody Avergan said that learning how to play tennis had made them better

people. I just started taking tennis lessons. That is something that I'm bad at, and I'm trying to be good at it because the older I get, the harder it is to do sports. And tennis is a sport you can play forever. And so in an effort to continue to be healthy and be active as I age, I've started taking tennis lessons. That was Cord. And then here is Jody's recommendation. There's a book called The Inner Game of Tennis. It's ostensibly about tennis, but it's really about the lessons of sports and kind of what it means to really understand yourself and perform.

And it's just one of these books that starts as a guide to playing a tennis match, which I grew up playing tennis. I don't really play tennis that seriously. And then all of a sudden just goes deeper and deeper and just goes inward and inward and inward. It's really a special book. Another thing I love from Jody is how he is trying to incorporate physical activity in all of its forms into how he is trying to improve himself. It's funny. This is not me at all, but I've made two very specific resolutions for next year that are largely codifying things that I normally do. And

one is to sweat every day. I've like struggled with like, I'm going to do this kind of workout, do this kind of workout. And I'm going to fit this kind of thing in. I'm going to go to these classes. And what I realized was like, take a big step back and set a really high level goal that you can execute in all sorts of ways, but it's going to be, I'm going to sweat every day. And I think that that will, and then the other one, actually related, but may sound like it's the opposite, but I'm going to try and nap every day, Chris. And I think, I don't know if that one's going to actually be harder to pull off, but I, but I'm just, I've like, I'm at the age now where I think I just know some things about myself and a five minute nap makes everything easier. And I'm going to try and

make that happen. I love that you're experiencing the full range of human exertion every day, but that's the goal. That's exactly right. Yeah. And maybe I can pair them, right? Sweat while you nap. Yeah. Get into a sauna. Have you, uh, have you accomplished both of those today? I've worked out today and I work out most days, but I have not napped. I like, and I work out most days, but I have not napped. I like, I go to the gym and I kind of do what could be seen as a crossfitty type stuff, you know? So a lot of like movements, I don't just like push heavy weight around. I like, I jump around and I use bands and stuff like that. I always played team sports and I always like worked out for something. And so like my workouts have to be like, they have to have texture and they have to have movement. I can't just go push

weights around or I certainly can't go like for long runs. I'll just get bored. And so like everything has to be like 45 seconds of this and then 45 seconds of this. And then, you know, next up, you got to take a nap. I know I'm going to take a nap right now. Cord Jefferson also talked about how taking care of his mental health had made him a better person. Yeah. Zoloft, my antidepressants, don't be afraid of them. They, they, they may not work for you, but if they do work for you, they've been you, they've been a lifesaver for me. So yeah, my antidepressants, Zoloft. I don't want to thank the pharmaceutical companies, never thank the pharmaceutical companies,

but I would thank the doctors and scientists that made Zoloft, because that's made me feel like a better person, and it's made me a more generous and vulnerable and kind person. a more generous and vulnerable and kind person. Dr. Lori Santos is a cognitive scientist and a Yale professor who studies happiness. She teaches a course on happiness and she is the host of the Happiness Lab podcast. So she is a person who knows a lot about happiness. And here is how she answered those questions about being a better human.

I mean, I'll give a shout out to one of my favorite books these days, which is called The Stoic Challenge by Bill Irvine. He's a philosopher. And he sort of talks a little bit about how you can engage with practices that the Stoics, these kind of, you know, ancient philosophers thought about to be better, where they really thought that you need to pay attention to the things you can control and the things you can't control, which, you know, some of the things we've been talking about, right? Like, you know, I might not be able to control the fact that these circumstances make me feel sad and anxious and whatever, but I can listen to those emotions and take action to fix them, right? So stoic challenge, highly recommend, very consistent with a lot of the happiness themes I talked about, but really thinking about the sort of ancient philosophical version of these, you know these thinkers who figured this out long before we had happiness quizzes and so on.

And what's one thing that you personally are working on to be a better human right now? Oh my gosh, so many things. This year I'm really trying, and this is the theme of this current season of my podcast that's running right now, is I'm really trying to get better at listening to my inner intuitions, the good intuitions, the like wise voice inside me, either when it comes to eating or what I really need, or just kind of giving it space to pay attention. And so I'm really, I'm trying to be a better human by listening to the kind of better angels of my own nature that often get really drowned out by, you know, all the outside voices, especially this time of year, telling us what we should be doing.

So really pay attention to what you need and honor it. If you're like, nope, I need to take something off my plate, you know, that's a hard thing to do if you're a busy, you know, person. But like, it can be the kind of thing that will really make you feel better. So yeah, listening to my own inner voice is what I'm working on this new year. We're going to take another quick break, and we'll be right back after these messages. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever,

making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10, available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. And we are back. Sometimes when I ask our guests what is something that has helped them to be a better human,

they give me an answer that I never could have predicted. I am always so delighted when they really catch me off guard with something I never expected them to say. For example, Nedra Glover-Toab told me that a thing that has helped her to be a better human is the movie Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. Oh, tell me why.

I watched Forrest Gump a few weeks ago, again, on a plane. And every time I watch it, I have a different revelation. And this time when I watched it, I thought about how he did all of these things from a kind place with the intention of things working out without having this blueprint that we think we have to have for everything. And how successful he was by just trying different things.

All of the things he tried, because so often we'll get fixated on, well, I'm not good at that. And it's like, well, start running. We'll start ping pong. We'll start, you know, it's just like start shrimp boat fishing, just get started. It's like start shrimp boat fishing. Just get started. And sometimes the success or even finding out what your purpose is, it's just trying different things.

And that's how you get to this place of like, oh, you know, I could just go back to my mama's house and, you know, sit on a porch and drink tea. I am so delighted by that answer. I think it is so lovely. And listen, if the bonus episode is not called Start Shrimp Boat Fishing, then we have done something wrong. For Aparna Nancherla, it was a stranger on the sidewalk who first came to mind. traffic at all times. And I remember when I would leave my apartment, I would get really stressed to like enter the fray of humanity. And one time I was walking back from my apartment, I had like my earbuds in, I was just like, okay, just like, you know, one more block, and then you're free of all these like, strangers with all their like, mixed energies. And then this old woman stopped me and she was just like could you help me like my shoes untied and and I need help tying it and I like stopped to tie this woman's shoe and truly

it was like she like gave me a chance to help her in the like smallest way possible and but like it was just like it fully took me outside my head and like connected me to another person. And like, she gave me that opportunity. And like, I just felt so different just doing that for like a minute. And just like, it's not like we then have this beautiful friendship, but even just that like small moment of connection, like it really like made me feel better. And I think I, yeah, I try to remember that it can be the smallest things that, that can like remind us of our like connection to the rest of the world or just like how we fit

in with other people. So L.A.D. ruled. Lori Gottlieb gave an answer that I've thought about a lot. I really love this idea about how reading fiction, whatever fiction you choose, can help us to be more empathetic. I have books the way I think other women might have shoes. So, like, there's just no room for any of my books. like there's just no room for any of my books. So I think just reading, and I mostly read fiction because I feel like there are deep psychological truths in fiction that where we see ourselves mirrored in these characters. I couldn't name, you know, a hundred books, but I just think reading

fiction makes me a better human. It helps me to understand myself and my clients on a completely different level. I love that answer. I've also, you know, as someone who used to teach English and work in elementary schools, I've always said that, like, I both enjoy reading and love fiction as just a pleasure. But I also think it's like one of the easiest and most effective ways to learn empathy and to, like, embody someone else's experience and actually feel it. Yeah. And I think it allows you, you know, one of the things I get to do as a therapist is I get to learn about other people's worlds in a way that you don't on social media or out in the world in general. You know, people are really inviting you into their lives.

And I think in great fiction, you know, you're going into worlds and you're meeting people in fiction that you wouldn't ordinarily meet. And I think that that just broadens our experience in the world and makes us more open. Finally, to close out this compilation episode, I want to leave you with an exchange that I had with the singer, Jesse Reyes.

Talking with Jesse was one of the only times this season that we did an interview in person. Normally we conduct the interviews remotely. And I was really struck by how vulnerable and thoughtful Jessie was in conversation, the same way that she is in her music. Here's what Jessie had to say about being a better human. I'm reading this new one right now called A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. There's one part that really resonated that's like this idea that, like right now I struggle with feeling whole. And the idea that we're forever seeking something to like fill that up, thinking that we'll find it outside of ourselves or outside of spirit

or outside of source is just so fundamentally flawed you know because then even if you do find said thing or said person then all this pressure that you're going to now apply to that is by default going to make even the possibility that didn't even exist of that thing or person fixing you more fundamentally impossible because all this pressure is going to make you think that them not being able to fix it oh now you're fucked and now you're going to project negativity onto the thing that you thought was going to bring you joy in the first place so part of finding peace in my opinion and also what's resonated with me from that book

is just making an effort to feel or making an effort to find that wholeness within yourself or with spirit or with God or with source, with light, whatever it is that you grip to or feel when you close your eyes. I had a thought the other day and it, you know, people say like they got a download or they got like, it was just a message and it was like, there's good news and bad news. The good news is that nothing outside you can hurt you. The good news is that nothing outside you can hurt you the bad news is that nothing outside you can help you either and i just it just served it's so funny for a sentence to serve as comfort as it and as a dagger because it's both you know but it resonated you're making me emotional now too that's the idea of of how to find wholeness and how you have to find the inside yourself. That's a hard one.

So hard. It's so difficult. It's so difficult. But mountains have been moved before. What's one thing that you are working on in yourself right now to be a better person? To accept and to just, I have a tendency to, I'm hypercritical on myself. And I like, you know, just where can I get better? Even after shows, I'd be like, all right, constructive critiques, let's go so I can apply. And sometimes it's not always the best because I struggle sometimes with self-love because I don't show myself as much grace as I could. Because I'm always just, you could do better, you should be better. could do better you should be better why didn't you do this why didn't you do that and so by default I'm like that outwardly which isn't an easy place to be in when you're in my inner circle and I'm always saying like hey you could do this better hey you didn't do that hey you're this you're that and sometimes it helps

if if you feel that and you can be present and like feel your thought process about to critique someone, ask, again, whatever it is you believe in, energy, source spirit, to use you and take over your tongue for a second or to heal that judgment in you. And if you still get called to help somebody, then maybe you can, but in a way that has some decorum, that has some softness in how

you approach it so that someone doesn't feel attacked and judged and it might help build them up as opposed to like my natural course of action which is just like and just letting the sentence sit on its own corners and all but those corners can cut so I don't really like to do that and I've been trying to just be more delicate and be more present in the moment when I feel like I see somewhere that someone could improve and just hold space for who they are and accept who they are and also doing that with myself but with myself it's more difficult doing it outwardly is I brought for funny and I've just proven to be a little bit more just easier but with myself it's's harder, but I'm learning. Okay. I hope you enjoyed this very different episode of our podcast. Thank you to all of our guests from this past season for sharing and for being so thoughtful and open and generous

with your time. I am your host, Chris Duffy, and you can find more from me, including my weekly newsletter and upcoming live shows at chrisduffycomedy.com. How to Be a Better Human is brought to you on the TED side by Daniela Balarezo, Chloe Shasha Brooks, and Joseph DeBrine, who constantly are helping me to be a better human. This episode was fact-checked by Julia Dickerson and Mateus Salas, who make sure that I am truthful. And on the PRX side, a team that has my eternal gratitude, Morgan Flannery, Norgil, Patrick Grant, and Jocelyn Gonzalez. If you are listening on Apple, please leave us a five-star rating and review. And if you're listening on the Spotify app, answer the discussion question that we have put up there. We would love to hear what has helped

you to be a better human and what you are working on right now. Thanks again for listening to our show and making this all possible. We have one final episode for Season 3 that is coming out next week. And then after that, we will be back with more episodes in Season 4. Thanks again for listening and have a great week. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever,

making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10, available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required, charge time and actual results will vary.