How To Fail With Elizabeth Day - Dorinda Medley on Grief, Identity and The Real Housewives: ‘I was angry. I was lost. I felt like I got cheated.’

Episode Date: July 23, 2025

What happens when the life you thought you’d built - the one with love, money, recognition - seems to slip away? This week, Elizabeth speaks to Dorinda Medley, author, TV personality and iconic former Real Housewife of New York, about reinvention, resilience and learning to be okay with not being liked by everyone. Dorinda opens up about the loss of her husband, the loneliness that followed fame, and why her departure from Housewives was both painful and necessary. This is a raw, funny, emotional conversation with a woman who’s lived many lives - and isn’t afraid to talk about all the ways they’ve fallen apart. ✨ IN THIS EPISODE: 00:00 Intro 02:12 Life After Reality TV 03:30 Authenticity and Public Perception 06:37 Dealing with Grief and Loss 14:06 Finding Strength in Vulnerability 19:14 The Impact of Fame 21:56 Housewives' First Visit to Blue Stone Manor 23:03 Behind the Scenes Drama 23:32 Staying Connected with Castmates 25:36 Dealing with Trolls and Haters 29:00 Coping with On-Screen Conflicts 31:19 Reflecting on the Housewives Experience 32:48 Blue Stone Manor Tag Sale 35:57 Life Lessons and Moving Forward 💬 QUOTES TO REMEMBER: “A lot of people mourn by crying. I was angry. I was lost. I felt like I got cheated.” “If you want to love me, great. If you don’t, I’m okay with that.” “There’s a difference between missing Housewives and wanting to do it again.” 🔗 LINKS + MENTIONS: Join our community of subscribers here: https://howtofail.supportingcast.fm/#content Have a failure you’re trying to work through for Elizabeth to discuss? Click here to get in touch: howtofailpod.com  Join Elizabeth at an upcoming one-off show at Cadogan Hall on 21 Sep for her new novel One of Us: ⁠https://www.fane.co.uk/elizabeth-day  Watch How To Fail on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@HowToFailPodcast  Instagram: @howtofailpod / @elizabday TikTok: @howtofailpod / @elizabday Elizabeth’s Substack: https://theelizabethday.substack.com/ 💌 LOVE THIS EPISODE? Subscribe to How To Fail on Spotify, Apple or wherever you get your podcasts Leave us a 5⭐ review – it helps more people discover these conversations Share this episode with someone navigating grief or reinvention 📚 WANT MORE? Stanley Tucci on grief, identity and the taste of memory https://listen.sonymusic-podcasts.link/pbegMUD1?at=1010l396Y Miriam Margolyes on fame, failure and finally giving fewer f*cks https://listen.sonymusic-podcasts.link/PJdd42Bp?at=1010l396Y Mo Gawdat on how to solve for happiness https://listen.sonymusic-podcasts.link/RhEwJYA2?at=1010l396Y Production & Post Production Coordinator: Eric Ryan   Studio Engineer: Sam Bair  Sound Engineer: Matias Torres Assistant Producer: Suhaar Ali Senior Producer: Hannah Talbot Executive Producer: Carly Maile How to Fail is an Elizabeth Day and Sony Music Entertainment Production.   Find more great podcasts from Sony Music Entertainment at sonymusic.com/podcasts To bring your brand to life in this podcast, email [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I think reality TV is very different now. You know, there's a lot of influencers, it's a lot more curated. You know, we were like raw footage, let's face it. And I think our audience trusted that we were exactly who we are and we're authentic. So when people meet me, they always say, you're exactly like we thought you would be!

Yes. I really haven't dated a lot of people. I was the marrying girl. Hello and welcome to How to Fail with Elizabeth Day. This is the podcast that's all about reclaiming and reframing failure. Not as something to be ashamed of, not as something that defines us, but as something that we can learn from that might be a lesson wrapped up in a mistake. Okay, guys, where there's a will, there's a wake.

Meeting commenced. What's on the agenda? Well, I've got my eye on a vintage Patti LuPone bedspread and a Peter Purvis roller blind. And I need to raise a bit of cash for it. What you need, Mel, is a new business idea. What are you into apart from Patti LuPone and Peter Purvis? Oh, great question. Walking? Musicals? Death? I like it.

Yeah. So what's the idea? Great question. Walking? Musicals? Death? I like it. Yeah. So what's the idea? Well, here we go. People walking around singing musicals. With a murder. Lovely little bit of jeopardy. Oh, listen, we need a name. Come on, let's workshop. All great business ideas have great names. Ah, Six Feet Under Studies. Oh, hang on. I've got it.

Les Misérables. Oh, that is gold. Do you want to hear my voice over voice, guys? Turn those dreams into and give them the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up for your one pound per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.co.uk slash wake. Go to Shopify.co.uk slash wake.

Shopify.co.uk slash wake. My guest today is a woman who became a reality TV star not by being perfect, but by being real. Dorinda Medley is best known for her six unforgettable seasons on The Real Housewives of New York, where her wit, warmth and iconic catchphrases made her famous. Whether she was making it nice at her beloved Bluestone Manor or telling Sonia Morgan to clip it, Medley was never afraid of showing her flaws and that, was what made her so compelling to watch.

But before the glamour and the gifts, she lived many lives. Born and raised in the Berkshires, Massachusetts, she started working in fashion after graduating from college. She relocated to London with her first husband, a Scottish banker, where she launched a cashmere line. Her clients included the late Princess Diana. After a decade abroad and a divorce, Medley returned to the States as a single mother. A second marriage to DC power broker Richard Medley was tragically cut short when he died after only six years of their being together. Signing up for The Real Housewives in 2015 was a radical act of reinvention, and one

which catapulted her into popular culture. Since her time on the show, Medley has published a memoir, starred in two seasons of Ultimate Girls Trip, and was recently on the US Traders. She also co-hosts a daily radio show, Reality Checked, on SiriusXM. "'Being on television has reinforced two big things for me,' Medley once reflected. One, that the audience is very forgiving and so is the world. And two, that the audience feels they know you, that you're a kindred spirit." Dorinda Medley, welcome to How to Fail. So happy to see you. And I have to say, I sound so much more important with that British accent. I feel like I'm on BBC. It's so good.

Oh my goodness. Thank you so much. Isn't it interesting how when we listen to others talk about yourself, it's both incredibly warm and also a tinge of like sadness. I don't know why that is. Yes, well I suppose sometimes it might sound a bit like a eulogy. Maybe it's that and it's just pulling you back into those moments and with your voice so melodic, it's like, well yeah, I know that girl. Well, not only do I feel I know you through the medium of reality TV,

but I'm lucky enough actually to have gotten to know you. And I have to say that you are even better in person than you are on screen. But I wonder what most people say to you on the street when they recognize you. What's the number one thing that people say? You make it nice. No, I know what you mean by that question. I think the thing, and I think that's one of the reasons why our cast did so well, is we were authentically ourselves.

We went on and, and I can say that wholeheartedly, when, if you see Luanne and I out, you will literally say they're exactly like they are on TV. So we didn't come on TV to present you with our personalities or present you with our personalities or present you with something and, you know, create these personalities. They're there. So I think, I read recently that authenticity is far more powerful than love.

Oh! Yes. You know, because authenticity has staying power. It creates nostalgia. It's something that creates, you know, a feeling of warmth and safety, right? Trust. And I think our audience trusted that we were exactly who we are, and we're authentic.

So when people meet me, they always say, and to self-love my cat, you're exactly like we thought you would be! Obviously it's a little bit more on steroids when you're on TV, and there is the edit. Not that I ever blame an edit, but you know, it is reality TV. But pretty much, you know, I'm a character. Luanne's a character. Sonia's a character.

And we really are those people in our lives. Do you ever regret having been too authentic or too real, too honest about yourselves? Because I imagine you forget the cameras are there after a while. Yeah, absolutely. I think in order to, I think people don't understand that the cameras aren't just there for the scenes you see, there's sometimes we feel six, eight hours a day, and especially on the girls' trips, we're filming from eight in the morning to 11 at night.

Wow. So you do forget, but I think you, I think, I think to be unaware of the camera, I think to sign up for reality TV is you have to just take that mask down of everything we learned in kindergarten, that great book, and just say, here it is. You have to take the mask off and say, I'm not going to think it too much, I'm just going to say it. Right?

Yeah. What do you think that reality TV has taught you about failure? You know, it's so funny when you asked, when I got that email yesterday and you asked me that I couldn't usually I'm very quick on my feet with what are your successes? What are your regrets? What would you tell your younger self? I could just banter it off. But that word failure was really, it kind of took me back at first when I got your email,

right? Because I'm thinking, huh, like that's not a word that I have allowed to really be in my life because failure to me equals fear, fear equals failure, and failure and fear mean you can't do it. So, but I also am hypocritical in saying that a lot because my failures have really helped me to, you know, pick up and get stronger and turn my failures into learning lessons, saying, oops, that didn't work. And within that failure, it has taught me to be very clever about my pivots. Yes. Well, that is, you are amongst friends here because that is the total premise of

this podcast and you've put it so beautifully. I hadn't realized until I researched this interview that it was only four years after Richard died that you started on Roni. Yes. Do you think you were still grieving? I know I was still grieving. And more than grieving, I was sort of like, I always say I was like a toothpick in the ocean. You know, here I was almost 50 years old. I'm not a huge believer in just luck.

I find it a bit frustrating when people say, I can't believe that happened, because I'm very much of a follow the breadcrumb person. I mean, I think I would have been a great CIA agent, you know? And I always say to people, you know, if you plant tulips, don't be angry when roses don't show up. So I'm really about planting the garden, having the patience for the garden to grow, providing the garden with what it needs.

So I get what I planted. And strangely, I've been like that for a garden to grow, providing the garden with what it needs, so I get what I planted. And strangely, I've been like that for a very long time. Even when I was dating, when I first came to New York, I realized a couple of things. That I was clever, that I was good enough looking, and that I was social. Like I had a bit of, my mother always said, Dorinda Medley, you have one, Dorinda Sincalla, you have something going for you, you have charisma. And when you walk in a room, you will be noticed. So if you're good, you're gonna be great.

If you're bad, you're gonna be terrible. And I remembered that. And I did always know that I had something that people would pick me out or wanna talk to me. And when I came to New York, I was very curated about what I did, who I dated, and it wasn't a form of snobbery, it wasn't a form of social climbing or gold digging.

I just knew from an early age that in order, with really no money, no contacts, coming from a small town in Great Barrington, that I could have been the girl that married the wealthiest man in my town. But somewhere along the journey, with the help of my mother, who always has had such a big belief in me,

and her children, but especially me, I always think about that now, and I write about it in my book, is that I needed to do, I had to be very think about that now, and I write about it in my book, is that I needed to do, I had to be very careful about my choosing because each step was gonna mean I didn't have to go back to the Berkshires. So I kind of didn't date certain people

because I was like, that's not gonna be a good father. That person has problems that I don't wanna take on in my life. I had sort of what I thought was my vision board of my life very early on. Now, of course, the vision board has been taken down and scribbled on and stamped on. And that's okay. I got new pen and paper, different color crayons, right? But I kind of had a set belief in myself and my vision board very early on.

So you were planting these seeds. So when Roni turned up, we started this conversation talking about how you were still grieving when you did it. But was there something about the offer? All of a sudden, I kind of at marrying Richard and just really experiencing total accepting love because I really didn't date a lot after my first marriage because I was then very focused on Hannah and I was like, well, I got divorced. Yeah, Hannah, my daughter.

I was like, well, I got divorced, she didn't. So we cannot now rock the apple cart and start bringing in a lot of people and a lot of situations. I need her father present. And I always believed maybe it's very old fashioned, but when you start to bring other apes into the jungle, like, it causes problems. So I was like, her father has to be still the number one man in her life. So I had never even had anyone sleep at my house ever the whole time I was dating after I divorced her father. And Richard came along and he just was like, he fit all the marks. He was accepting of me, he was accepting of my situation,

he was accepting of my hopes and goals, he was accepting of Hannah wholly and purely and what I could. And he was accepting of what I would allow her to be. Like you couldn't have me unless we come as a unit. So I kind of remember at one point, I truly remember this because here's a secret. I had a big wedding at the Four Seasons and I got married at Brickchurch

and we were at the Four Seasons fountain room. I had been married like a month after he got engaged to me because, and we literally went down to town hall and got married and really did a sex in the city had lunch at a diner with my parents because I said to Richard after we got engaged he said okay now you can move in with me and bring in I was like oh no no no that's just a ring like if we got to make this shit legal if you will be so he said fine he said to me once you're like a

like a crazy horse in a stable that just keeps kicking the door down, just let's go down to town hall and do it. So, and then I moved in with him. And I remember after we did that, knowing the secret, we, very few people knew. I thought, Dorinda, Medley, now Medley, you have figured it out all the way from Great Britain, here you are in a beautiful townhouse, a wonderful husband, he's successful, he's stable, he loves my daughter. Like, I really was like, God damn it, girl. You did it. You got to the top of the mountain. You are there, right?

This was the vision board. This is the vision board. Look at me. Like, I was quite chuffed about myself, right? Take six years later, I'm back at the bottom of the mountain again. Hannah's gone to college. I am that much older. Richard's, I'm burying a husband and I'm almost turning 50.

I'm thinking, really? Now what? Because the two kind of for me most favorite labels, if not three, mother, my husband, and family was kind of gone in one year, right? So I took some, you know, I kind of reconnected, not that I ever disconnected, but really kind of went back, did my morning, kind of was thinking, what are, like, am I too young, too old? Do I start? What? Like, it was that weird thing, I was too young, too old.

Like do I start another, like what? You know, do I sell Bluestone? Where am I? Like it truly was like, like what? So, you know, Ramona was always was a very dear friend, Luanne and all of them, I always stayed in contact with them. And, you know, they had asked me previously to be on and I would always be in the background and scenes. I don't know if you look at that. Yeah, don't you worry.

So Ramona said to me one day, enough. Like you need to do something now. And you know, it would be great. You'd be great at Housewives. I mean, you don't everybody you've been on and you know us and just just do Housewives for a year, and do something. Because, and I thought, you know what? She said, you can be a friend, you can be a friend, and if you don't like it, you can leave. It's four months, four months of filming, right? And I thought, so I think I kind of did,

it's so funny because now it's more of a bigger process. I had lunch with Ramona and Lisa Shannon, or it wasn't even Lisa Shannon, one of the people, and they were like, okay, you can be on. It was that simple. I don't remember thinking of it as auditioning. I'm thinking of, I'm going to do this. And your life changed and so did ours as viewers. And we're going to come back to Housewives as it pertains to one of your failures. But your first failure is playing superwoman. And as you put it to me, I played superwoman so long

I forgot how to be vulnerable and allow outside people to help me. So tell me when you first realized this about yourself. After Richard died. And that's why I could do Housewives. It all feeds because I knew that I came to New York City without a lot of money, not a lot of opportunity. And I was always, I never, I was very careful not to show too many flaws and keep it, you know, and do everything right and follow the rules and never be unhappy, you know, and

mourn privately. And it's not that I was superficial, it's just that I wanted to appear strong. I can do everything. I even remember with Ralph, my first husband, who, by the way, I still love today. And he's a great guy, and he's very close to Hannah. And I attribute all of Hannah's, not all of Hannah's success,

because Hannah owns her own success, but her success, a lot of her success in her life, not just from me, but from both of us. But you know, I even remember when we moved to London for the first time, I didn't know a soul. I mean, my best friends were at Peter Jones. I'd go visit people at Peter Jones, at the Candled Place. There was that Florio brand, I think it was called. Yes.

Yeah, it's still there. I became, I actually had lunch with them at L'Oreal one day because I just was looking for a friend, right? And you know, I just studied how the women dressed and studied how they set tables and took a course at the Lee School and really made sure if Ralph had to go to work at 5.15 in the morning, I was up waiting for him, Made sure I knew when he came home. Made sure I laid out his clothes. Made sure I took on this investment banker's wife, never looking scared or unknowledgeable.

Like I watched the way ladies so-and-so did stuff. I watched the way people dressed their children when they were in the park. So I became a study of that. And I just always was afraid that I think I could do it. No, there was no no. Absolutely. Are you tired?

No. Would you throw this away? Absolutely. Everything was yes, yes. And the truth of the matter is when I look back at that now, I was afraid. I was young. I had no friends.

There was no phones. I couldn't barely contact my family because there was no cell phones, no FaceTime. There were a lot of times when Ralph was, thankfully, working 12, 14 hours a day and gone three days a week, and I had a brand new baby that I wanted my mother. Yes.

But I couldn't do that. So I didn't reach out to a lot of people and say, and when my mother would call and be like, how are you doing? I'm like, I'm fine, it's great. It's wonderful. We just moved into Eaton Place and I'm so excited. We're going to the Venice. But like it was all that. And then now I feel like I'm much more, I'm much more saying, I don't want to, that frightens me. Like, and I need your help. Can I talk to you? I even texted someone the other day and after

I texted, I thought, Oh, should I put that in text? I said, listen, can I, if you get time, can you call me back? I'm feeling sad today. And after I sent it, I kind of, because I sent a flaw. Oh, well done for sending the text first of all. And thank you so much for talking about this because it's so relatable and this is the thing, we connect as humans through our vulnerability. It makes you more lovable. It makes me feel closer to you when you do me the honor of sharing something like that.

And that's what Housewives lied me. So when you go full circle, all of a sudden, because I didn't really give a shit anymore, and I was still grieving, for me, I wasn't really give a shit anymore. You know, and I was still grieving. For me, I wasn't great at therapy. I mean, I went to it like three times. I was like, I don't wanna talk about him. Like, I wasn't great at it. And I found myself getting very insular and angry.

A lot of people mourn by crying a lot and stuff. I was angry. I was lost. I felt like I got cheated. So it was a great way for me to work through my, really housewives, and I always thank Andy Cohen for this and the Bravo world. It was really a place where I was able to go through

a lot of my morning. I met Carol Roswell, who we had that incredible bonding scene within London. I remember. It opened up a bigger world, and I just was able to be vulnerable and not care. I'm not perfect. I don't always get it right. This is who I am and I'm going to give you this. You can take it. You can do what you want with it. If you want to love me at the end of it,

great. If you don't, that's okay too. But maybe you'll learn a lesson, both good and bad. Yeah. Do do that and don't do that. You know what I mean? And I'm okay with that now. Because I have been doing the right thing for a long time. It's like it was your own version of therapy. Correct. And it came at this very powerful time.

As you said, you turned 50. It's like you've had this whole other life. And the great thing about it there was another turning point I remember probably I had no idea really what fame was or what fame does or how it affects you like remember when the housewives first came out the first episode came out and I was down at my fruit stand in my pajama bottoms and because it's across the street in a hoodie because I always went down and get some fruit after. And this person turned to me and said, oh my God, is it you?

And I was like, I don't know, where did we meet? And it just took me by and I thought, oh no, she knows me from the show. And it was that moment where you really, a veil went down, where I realized, now I have given my life to everybody. Mm, that's scary. And it was scary. But what it did do is it, people fell in love with me for the first time since I was a little girl, not because I was Dorinda Lynch, you know, Ralph's wife.

I was an investment banker's wife. I wasn't Hannah's mom. I wasn't Mr. Medley's wife. I was just Dorinda. Dorinda. Yes. And it was the first time in a long time, I was just, they were falling in love with me.

Beautiful. Or falling and not in love with me, but whatever it was, it was just all mine. They were seeing you. Yes. I think that what it did to the housewives, which is really kind of a weird thing to hear, it made Richard's death a gift. Because I was able to give it to the world and take what I learned from it. Because I was young, I was a young widow.

So I remember a woman saying to me at Eli's one day, I said, oh my God, she was like in her 80s and I was having a drink at the bar and I said, I'm a widow too. She goes, oh no, you're not a widow. I'm sorry your husband died, but you need a different name because you are too young to say those words. And it really, I think, I was able to give that gift, the gift of A, what I had to go through and B,

the fact that I was still a relatively young and vibrant woman to be a widow and I cannot tell you the women, the people, the community that has reached out to me over the years and still does. So powerful. Check out at fine hotels and resorts. Now arriving in Tokyo. So going for your favorite food takes on a whole new meaning. That's the powerful backing of AmEx. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at amex.ca slash yamx.

Summer is what you make of it. And Tim Horton's fruit quenchers have something for every mood. So choose from a variety of fruity flavors in sparkling, frozen or lemonade. Order yours on the Tim's app today at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Richard bought you Blue Stone Manor. Blue Stone Manor, for anyone who hasn't seen Housewives, is iconic. Basically, Blue Stone Manor is the extra housewife in your season.

It's the Disney of Bravo. It's incredible. It's the Disney Castle of Bravo, I always say. Basically, Blue Stone Manor is the extra housewife in your season. It's the Disney of Bravo. It's incredible. It's the Disney Castle of Bravo, I always say. And I'm the Cinderella that lives there. It's so incredible. What was it like having your housewife's castmates there the first time? Wow, that was an experience because, you know, I come from, I come from when you,

imagine the first year I'm still like thinking I'm still a person with, and these are women that are gonna have boundaries and like not say what they're thinking. Yes, cloth. And you know, execute the sort of social graces you do when you're a guest, right? But then I realized, so of course I'm very proud and they're gonna come here and see Bluestone Manor. It's gonna be beautiful and I'm gonna cook and clean and decorate and make it nice and they're gonna respond to it in that way.

And when it didn't go that way, I was like, what the hell are these people? Because in the end, I think we probably created some of our greatest TV. Agreed. Up there. We have gone through things. I always love about Bluestone Manor because it's on 18, 19 acres.

You have to go through a gate in a long driveway. So when you are up there, you're there. Like you're there, there. So what happens? And even off camera, the shit that happened that you guys didn't see. But all I know is we'd all wake up in the morning, whatever disasters were happening the night before, somehow we all got our shit together and we were all back on it, kind of sharing our French toast, doing the next thing.

That was the great thing. Like we were able to create this great TV and have our arguments, but somehow get right back on the horse and keep it moving. And we're like that in real life. If I could show you, I'm on a group text right now with me, and we all do, we stay in touch all the time, me, Luanne, Sonia, Jill, Ramona. And sometimes I'll just sit there and I think, I would never because I, but I could publish these and it's like a show just the way they're not even

speaking, they're texting and I can hear their voice and I can hear the disagreements and then it starts like, let me just give you this, something was said yesterday and Lou Anne responded, oh, darling, because I could hear her voice. Are you out of your mind or minds should I say? Oh, this is so amazing. Wait, who sends the longest texts? Sonja. Okay. Does anyone- Understandably.

Does anyone voice note? No. No. We're old school. Does anyone voice note? No. No. We're old school. We're all old. We're all older. Does anyone send gifts? Like hearts? Like heart things?

I love you. No, there's like a little video thing, like a meme. No. No. You're just old school. We're very old school. Yeah. I am obsessed.

And there's a lot of like, you know, is anyone, I'm going for coffee at the Carlisle. Is anyone around? You know, because we're, because we've at the Carlisle, is anyone around? You know, because we're, because we've all got to remember, we've been swimming in this. People don't think it's that it's not pretend. We've all known each other for a long time. We've been through marriages and divorces and children and baptisms and parties after parties. Yeah, I mean, there was a time in New York where we only really, because the downtown was kind of off limits, it was a little bit more scary

back in the late 80s and early 90s. And so everybody really existed on the Upper East Side, because there was not as many wandering places as there are now, just like London, you know, it's got much more expensive. So at any one night, you always ran into everyone and we all went to the same five cocktail parties. I love it. I love this for you.

Your second failure is about Housewives. So it is that in the beginning, you got too emotionally and sometimes physically too upset about the negative feedback from trolls and haters? It was terrible. The first time I finally did something that, you know, because in the beginning everyone's like, oh, we love her. She's so great. They're really fantastic. So of course I'm like, yes, they love me. Yeah. And then the haters and the trolls start to seep in.

Then you have a bad episode. And I remember just getting obsessed with these comments and physically feeling unwell and breaking out in hives and thinking, oh my God. And it's so fast and it's so fast, and it's so furious, and it's one of the first things that you have no control over. You can't even explain yourself because it's out there in this universe

that you don't even know about. And you think it's, you at the time think your life is over and it's gonna define you for the rest of your life, even if the things aren't true, some of them. Someone called, you know, we love and, you know, Dorinda on stairways dot com, you know, whatever, has said that you're this person and then 92 people have replied to it. You're like, you're like, so and what I loved about it is I remember talking to Luanne about it one day. She goes, oh, darling, no complaining, no explaining, who cares?

So I really had to learn to, and these housewives are great because no matter what happens, they don't care about what Charlotte in Cincinnati says. They really don't. They're like, and Sonia would say, well, I didn't know her yesterday, I'm not going to know her tomorrow. They're just very good Sonia would say, well, I didn't know her yesterday, I'm not going to know her tomorrow. You know, they're just very good at like focusing on the good because I'm such a perfectionist in a lot of ways

and I micromanage and what people don't realize about me is I'm very sensitive and very vulnerable. Like I could always almost cry in the drop of anything. Like I get, someone hurts my feelings, I will make it home, but I will ball my eyes out. Oh, I'm totally the same. Yeah. And it's because you care, that's the thing. So if you're caring about people, you can't only care about the good things.

But I couldn't give that to the audience anymore. It's not that I didn't care about my audience, but I couldn't take it all so seriously like I had in my private life. Like if a very good friend hurt my feelings at a dinner, I had to distinguish that like, you know, George from Minneapolis was just having a moment with me. And I started to do a very clever thing that I suggest to people instead of trying to engage at this level of explaining, which just turned more disastrous, right? Yes.

I would just write back, I'm sorry you feel that way with a big heart. And then when I got humanized in these Instagram things, people would be like, oh, no, no, I didn't mean it that way. I just thought, love you, Dorinda. Because the minute I became humanized, because I realized a lot of that is just people on the internet just having fun, being mean, feeling maybe something's going on in their life that they feel that way about themselves. It's just an opportunity. And they've dehumanized you a little bit.

So how hard was it, leaving aside the social media commentary of it and the people that you didn't know commenting, how hard was it when someone hurt your feelings on the show or would you have an argument with someone and you had to play? Yeah, it was hurtful. Yeah, it was. Sometimes it resonated and sometimes it took us to get off season and kind of go back into our lives and have a moment. Because listen, after filming so intensely for four months, you have to decompress. I say it's like, I always say this, it's like doing it, it's like being an NFL professional

football player in the NFL. You go in there, you beat each other like crazy, you play the game at its best no matter what, at all costs. And then when you get off the field, it takes a minute for the bruises to heal. But at the end of the day, the team's all having dinner together at some point again. And in order to be a good group, and I think a group that really knows each other, and that's why that's so important in a lot of ways, is you have to be able to do that.

You have to be able to recover. And sometimes people don't. I mean, you know, sometimes... Will you say Bethany? Yeah. I could, you know, sometimes... Were you about to say Bethany? I could see a bee forming in your mouth. I think Bethany left, you know, she left on her own and we all would have happily had her back. She brought in great ratings. She's... Listen, whatever you think of Bethany, Bethany is great TV. I agree. I think...

Epic. But she's not on the group chat. No. No, because Bethany went off and did her own thing and I don't think she particularly would want to be on the group chat. So it's not organic to her anymore, I don't think. Is there anything that you haven't been able to forgive from your time in Housewives? I don't think if I answered that or I thought that way,

I would have been authentically doing what I was doing. That makes total sense. You know, it's just who we, you know, nothing was premeditated. I know people think they script us or they stop. They would put our mics on outside in the car. You'd go and do it and then when they were done, they would take your mics off. We never saw a producer. We don't see the producers usually in a back room.

It was just what it is. Then they take it, and six months later, they edit it. We don't even know how they do that. And it comes out in a five-minute clip. Do you miss it? You know, someone asked me that the other day. I think I will always miss it. It's kind of like, there's a difference between miss it and want to do it again, right?

And I think that it was such a pivotal time in my life. I'm really, I love to be, like I could live in a commune. So I love the idea of sororities, spring breaks, you know, being, having someone set up every day where you're all together and going on holidays. I miss all that. The filming was fun. I think reality TV is very different now. It's a little, I think people, you know, are more switched on, you know, there's a lot of influencers, it's a lot more curated. You know, we were like raw footage, let's face it. I have said this multiple times before, the Real Housewives of New York, the old school one before the reboot, is one of the greatest TV shows of all time.

It's certainly, to my mind, the greatest reality TV show. You think so? You're not just saying that because I'm here. I rewatched the whole thing during lockdown. Especially the beginning. And I wasn't part of the beginning, so I can't take credit for that. The entire arc of it. Let's leave out the season before the reboot, the Black Shabbat season. I'm not including that. But I rewatched the whole thing during the pandemic.

It was my comfort watch and I rewatched it. And it was just that it's incredible. And I just want to thank you for that. Thank you for being an iconic part of it. Hey, so what did you want to talk about? Thank you for being an iconic part of it. Wakovi. Yeah, ask for it by name. Okay, so why did you bring me to this circus? Oh, I'm really into lion tamers. You know, with the chair and everything. Ask your doctor for Wakovi by name.

Visit wakovi.ca for savings. Exclusions may apply. No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. Before we get onto your third failure, I just want to return to Blue Stone Manor and ask

you how the fish room is. Fish room is alive and well. One of the fish are actually at Watch What Happens Live Clubhouse. You donated it. That's so generous. Okay. It had to be. Andy has one of the fish. And I think I'm doing a huge, you're not going to believe this, Bluestone Manor tag sale this summer. Where? Where? In person or online? At Bluestone Manor. Shut up!

And online. It's timed, Elizabeth. So it's been 20 years. Can you believe I've owned that house 20 years? 13 without Richard. Oh, Dorinda. I mean, it's hard to believe that I was able to pull that one off. Sometimes I think, what the hell were you thinking? I never thought of it more than just getting through year to year. Yeah. And somehow it's 20 years.

But I've collected all this stuff and I just am like, you've year to year. Yeah. And somehow it's 20 years. But I've collected all this stuff, and I just am like, I'm done. You've got to understand. I've collected 20 years of stuff. I have like 15 Christmas trees. And you've got to remember, every Christmas, I do a different thing. It's because you make it nice.

Yeah. It's not like I put up the same. There's some people like my mother who put the same Christmas decorations up for 50 years. Every year, I'm like, this year is, you know, gingerbread houses. And starting in July, I'm doing everything. I thought I was some sort of producer in the house.

It was the first time last year where here I am on a, going up, it's after Thanksgiving, and I've ordered all this stuff. It's come in droves. And like, and I'm thinking, I get it all up. I always have to have a team of people. We get the whole place turned into this winter wonderland. And Hannah's like, I'm not coming home until Christmas Eve

and I have to have this one and that one. And I remember walking around at midnight thinking, I think we're done with decorating at this level. I'll still always decorate, but I've been doing this for 20 years. I've had so many themes. Medusa, Candyland, Dracula's wife. Wait, Medusa for Christmas? One year was no, no, that was Halloween. Another Halloween was moss. Everything, my whole house was covered every countertop and moss with worms and life and earth. Yeah. No, no, you

don't know what's going on to this. I thought I was some sort of producer in my mind producing these scenescapes in Bluestone Manor and if people don't believe me, I have the pictures before Housewives I was doing this. You can go to the sale and buy the wormy moss. You really can. Are you selling your dining chairs, those iconic green velvet?

I'm not selling those, but I am selling books and I want to get rid of all my reunion dresses. Oh my goodness, this is amazing. It's time. Either I do it or they're going to... The reason that made me do it is I don't even ... One day I'm in the three car garage, which is now filled up with stuff and I said to Todd, just take out all the Christmas trees. I know that's a task. I had 17 Christmas trees, fake ones. That

doesn't include the real ones I put up. Like what? Yeah. Well, this is good. This is, it's purging. And this is what this podcast is all about. And then I can buy new. Yes. Your final failure is not about the Christmas trees, but it's about staying too long at the wrong table. That is something I regret. What do you mean by this? I just, like the me now is much more savvy about saying this doesn't work for me, you

don't work for me, I don't like this and I don't want to do it. And all those things were just so encased with politeness and not wanting to unplease people and trying to make it work if it was men, I mean, not that I've had a lot of men, but if it were relationships, friendships, jobs, situations, I just, you know, I just would, I would like, the thing would die

and I would breathe life back into it for a little bit. You know, I kept putting it on life support until, you know, either it ended or I finally was so sick of it and so angry and then I would just blow it up. Like now I don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Because what I would do in a lot of things, to get out of it, I would blow it up. You know what I mean? As opposed to being just gracious, like I'm so sorry, but I don't like the way this, like you would with food, that doesn't taste good. I knew it never tasted

good, but I just kept eating it to the point where I got an upset stomach and now I'm just pissed off. So you'd get angry? Yeah, get angry and through, you know, literally in order to get out of it, destroy it. Right. And do you mean friendships as well? No, not even destroy it, but just like I would wait too long. Yes, even in friendships, I had to, and a lot of things. I just, you know, I would, I just now can, especially since Richard passes stuff, I can much more easily, I, no is a powerful word, word. No is like, and I don't think I ever gifted myself the word no. Now it comes very easily, too easily. People are like, do you want to have dinner downtown at Balls or I'm like,

absolutely not. And that's the complete sentence. You don't say, Absolutely not. Dwyer, do you have something planned? No, I just don't want to go to Balsadar at nine o'clock at night. I'm tired. Do you think turning 60, which I can't even believe you have turned because you look incredible, has turning 60 helped?

Turning 50 helped, but turning into a widow helped. That was the main, yeah, because suddenly I guess you're realizing life is so short and fragile. Life is short. What am I doing? Where is all these people I've been pleasing? You realize with all the people you have in your life, I saw a great meme the other day it said, this is your 20s and it was a ton of people. This is your 30s, it got smaller.

This is your 40s, this is your 50s. And I said, this is your 60s, it was just a picture of a dog. Am I a six-year-old woman now? I was like, ain't that the truth, brother? Because even when you go through big traumas, like that's a great way to weed out people, people that just stop showing up, right? I completely agree. Because even when you go through big traumas, like that's a great way to weed out people,

people that just stop showing up, right? I completely agree. And I am a firm believer that a relationship is not a failure simply because it ends. Sometimes actually, it's a successful relationship because it ends. Yes, that's how I feel about it. I mean, I don't really, and it's interesting, I don't not talk to anyone I dated, but I really haven't dated a lot of people.

I was the marrying girl. Yeah. Listen, I'm so happy to hear that at that top of that pyramid, there are still some real high-slides of New York in your WhatsApp group chat. Oh, yes. They're there right now. They got messages this morning. Send them my love.

They don't know who I am, but do. And Dorinda, as ever, I just adore hearing you talk. You are so smart, so charismatic, so funny. And I really, really want to thank you so much for coming on. It's an honor when you asked. And then when I got to this very fancy building, I was like, wait a second, I got to treat Elizabeth Day with some more respect. Dorinda Medley, obviously I made it nice for you. You did make it nice.

Okay, just leave us with an iconic catchphrase. I think, and I really believe in this one, eagles don't fly with pigeons. Eagles are eagles and do not eat the breadcrumbs. Stay an eagle, everyone. Put that on a tote bag. Thank you so much, Dorinda, and you're staying to do some Fading with Friends. Yes. Please do follow How to Fail to get new episodes as they land on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon

Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Please tell all your friends. This is an Elizabeth Day and Sony Music Entertainment original podcast. Thank you so much for listening.