How To Fail With Elizabeth Day - S14, Ep8 How To Fail: Asim Chaudhry

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

As well as being a stone-cold legend, Asim Chaudhry is probably best known for co-creating the BAFTA-award-winning mockumentary sitcom People Just Do Nothing and if you’ve ever been on a British Airways flight and paid attention to the safety video, you’ll recognised him instantly as the inept director of a sketch involving national treasures Sir Michael Caine and Olivia Colman. He's an actor, writer, director and musician. And he's also hilarious.He joins me to chat about failing drama class and being kicked out of school with two GCSEs, the time he got deported from America (no, really) and a vicious mugging that left him questioning what life was all about. Along the way we discuss comedy as a defence mechanism, using his dad as creative inspiration and why he wasn't sure about the jeans he was wearing on the day he came to my house.--How To Fail With Elizabeth Day is hosted by Elizabeth Day, produced by Naomi Mantin and Chris Sharp. To contact us, email [e-mail]--Social Media:Elizabeth Day @elizabdayHow To Fail @howtofailpod Asim Chaudhry @asimc Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Hello and welcome to How to Fail with Elizabeth Day, the podcast that celebrates the things that haven't gone right. This is a podcast about learning from our mistakes and understanding that why we fail ultimately makes us stronger. Because learning how to fail in life actually means learning how to succeed better. I'm your host, author and

journalist Elizabeth Day, and every week I'll be asking a new interviewee what they've learned from failure. Asim Chowdhury is an actor, writer and director. He's perhaps best known for co-creating the BAFTA award-winning mockumentary sitcom People Just Do Nothing. The show follows the fortunes of a pirate radio station with, as they proudly proclaim, over a hundred listeners and Chowdhury stars as Chabaddi Ji, the station's hustling entrepreneurial manager. The show catapulted Chowdhury to international success. Roles followed in the Wonder Woman movie, Charlie Brooker's Bandersnatch, and if you've ever been on a BA flight and paid attention to the safety video,

you'll recognise him instantly as the inept director of a sketch involving national treasures, Sir Michael Caine and Olivia Colman. Chowdhury is rapidly approaching a sort of national treasure status himself. During lockdown, he put out a comedy podcast called What a Sad Little Life, which took its title from a legendary episode of Come Dine With Me and released music, including the rap track Brown Skin, which tackled Britain's racist past and present. Capable of both great humour and great thoughtfulness, Chowdhury's jokes often contain a deeper message. Apart from the time on Chicken Shop Date when he said his ideal woman was a combination of Tiffany from EastEnders, Vanessa Feltz and Mary Berry. His talent is multifaceted and Chowdhury is refreshingly unbothered about staying in his lane.

When people say I can't do something, it drives me on harder, he once said. Just like Chabaddy, who thinks he's a player, a hustler, a ladies' man, I'm the eternal optimist. Asim Chowdhury, welcome to How to Fail. Wow, my head is massive right now. It's massively inflated. Thank you for that introduction, that was very, very nice. It's such a pleasure, and it's such a pleasure to have you in my house in real life wearing jeans that you told me not to mention yes I'm wearing ridiculously flary jeans

that I felt very confident in the morning and I looked in the mirror and I thought I'd like a cool Japanese kind of guy and then I left the house and I realized I look like an absolute twat but you do confidence yeah you can rock anything with confidence blind confidence I think you look great thank you very much. And People Just Do Nothing, which is what most people will probably know you from. And it's a program that I'm obsessed with because I love Spinal Tap. And I think you do too, don't you? Spinal Tap was a huge influence on People Just Do Nothing. It's odd because people think, well, hold on a minute, like they're actually good at music. I don't get it. Like, cause

you know, like with Spinal Tap, they were all quite gifted musicians right like you know that kind of lick my love pump and yeah they can play they can sing yeah Stonehenge like they're good songs but the content is ridiculous it doesn't make any sense it's you know that's the comedy but we were always fascinated about doing something bad but well you know and it's you have to know how to do it properly to kind of spoof it in a way and kind of satir it's you have to know how to do it properly to kind of spoof it in a way and kind of satirize something you have to know about the subject so Spinal Tap was a huge reference for us yeah just like Spinal Tap we also tour in character and we do music and I think with music comedy there's always that kind of sometimes it can always be a bit cringe you know you're like

oh god they're gonna do you know they're trying to infuse these two things it doesn't always work but like i said spinal tap was a huge influence because they got it bang on you know i once interviewed spinal tap in character wow it was amazing it was one of the highlights of my journalistic career when did you do that it was around the time that they released a movie how old are you in 1982 how old are you not really good if you're like 63 or they were going on tour you mean like a new movie right yes it would have been like it would have been 2008 okay something like that right yeah wow anyway this isn't about me is it it's about you so it started out on youtube didn't it and what i love about people just do nothing and what i think is so obvious when you watch it,

is that it comes from a genuine friendship group. How did you all meet? I went to college with Hugo, who plays Beats. He was this kind of cool music producer kind of guy. I met him through his ex-girlfriend, actually, and she was like, my boyfriend's a sick producer. I was the battle rap champion in my college, I'm very proud to say.

I've still got the trophy, Use it as a doorstop. And yeah, I linked up with him and then smoked a lot of weed. And we thought we were going to do music. But we just ended up kind of messing around. And then through him, I met Sipo's Grinder. And then Hugo and Steve went to school together. So they always knew each other. And then, yeah, we were supposed to be doing work.

But then we kind of messed around doing sketches. And then there was this documentary on BBC Three called Tower Block Dreams which was about pirate radio and you know we just watched the documentary we became absolutely obsessed with it and we just thought let's start basically trying to satirize and spoof that world and the boys had done pirate radio before and obviously we all come from music I was doing film and broadcast in terms of my degree and at college. So I had a camera. I started filming it and putting it up on YouTube and it just slowly started getting this really niche,

but quite a cult following. And I remember one of the first celebs to like find out about us was actually Lily Allen. And she tweeted, Oh my fucking God. And just put the link of the episode on. And I remember we got like, you know, back then it would have been insane. We've got like 10,000 views in one day, which

is mind blowing for back then. And this was early days YouTube. Now we're talking like 2009, 2010. Yeah. And then we got spotted by John Petrie who works for Ash Atala, who produced The Office. John actually sent me a message on youtube and was saying hey man i'm really love your stuff and you know can we meet i work for ash atala who produced the office and at the time i used to get a lot of kind of hate comments you know because people thought it was real people thought you know these fucking losers these bums and we used to get comments like i'll get a job sucking off the system you know oh this is why immigration's gone bad you know all this kind of like a lot of hate the ultimate compliment in a weird way we were reading them

laughing our heads off so i used to get a lot of messages and i thought okay this guy's taking the piss and when he sent the message saying ashitala the producer's office i literally replied back saying fuck off mate and then he was like no please give me a call and this and then we met them and then yeah and then we got commissioned for a pilot and it was a long process the BBC didn't really trust us because we were not actors didn't go to drama school none of us were writers so we kind of had to learn so they gave us the pilot then we had to wait for a year in season one we got four episodes and then season two we got like five you know so it was a very slow process and in a way I'm grateful for that. Because I think if it all came at once, I think we would have been just not ready. Because we were quite, you know,

immature and very inexperienced. So it was a blessing in a way. Talk to me about the character of Chabadiji and how much he's based on your own dad. He's based quite a lot. I would say that he all the good bits are based on my dad, the kind of eternal optimism, the kind of entrepreneurial thing that my dad the kind of eternal optimism the kind of entrepreneurial thing that my dad is you know till this day unfortunately he's still a flipping wheeler dealer he's always got new businesses popping up and he's just one of those guys well I didn't really know what my dad did when I was younger you know in the 90s I remember in Hounslow he would have this red Mercedes you know lowered personalized number plate his name's Ijaz and

everyone called him jazz so on his number plate it His name's Ijaz and everyone called him Jazz. So on his number plate, it just said Jazz Man. And I was like, what the fuck does my dad do? I didn't know. Like he had a restaurant at a takeaway. Right next to it, he owned like a mini-cat business. And then next to that, he had an internet cafe. He was like a really shit Tony Soprano.

Like just quite a low level. But he was like the boss. And I remember walking through the high street with him. It would take us an hour because every two minutes, oh, Chaudhry Saab shaking his hand like he's on fucking dawn. And my dad's like this tiny little Pakistani guy. How did he get there? He is a hustler. He is.

If he was here right now, you would all be in love with him within 10 minutes. You know, he'd be, oh, hello, mate. You all right? He's very, even the way Chabadi says hello, that my dad my dad when he answers the phone he's got this kind of white voice that he puts on he goes hello and it's just so amazing and so many aspects of you know the way my dad always gets his w's and v's you know because he kept on saying oh this bloody goid man this goid and it's just everything he does everything he says is very very funny yeah I would like to say all the good bits are based on him you know he's a really sweet man it's funny you know but I mean like I said

I didn't know that he was a bit dodgy you know when I was a kid and then you know after my parents divorced my mum was and as I got older my mum was like you know your dad did this and I was like what it's kind of comedy there but there's also a little bit of kind of darkness there as well because you know he did do illegal things and he did get in a bit of trouble. So I guess I took that character and I took all the good bits and I was like, and it's not just my dad. It's also the guys I grew up with, those kind of hustlers, those guys who think they can get you anything, the boys who think they're, you know, God gifted women and all that. So it's a combination of things. And of course, growing up watching Alan Partridge and David Brent and Del Boy,

you know, it's kind of all of that stuff is in your head and you kind of think, okay, I think I can do something here. So yeah, it's a bit of a cocktail of a lot of things. So talk to me about little Asim. I mean, young Asim. That's what my fiance calls me, little Asim. When it's cold, it's cold.

It's all about angles, isn't it really? Lighting. Yeah, yeah. Bit flab really lighting yeah yeah bit flabby jeans she calls me that as well but when you were growing up in hounslow yeah when did you discover you were funny and when did you realize that could be a career i mean maybe you didn't no i really didn't i did not know at all because i just thought I was annoying, which I was. I was very annoying. I was very attention seeking. I loved Michael Jackson. So I remember having a karaoke machine and literally going down to my parents and my

sister, sitting them down and doing like, you know, man in the mirror and doing all the dances. And they're like, all right, you know, and I think I was annoying. I think I was a nuisance to people like I remember going on a coach trip like a family coach trip and again getting on the mic and literally people being like shut up like it was just annoying you know I was an annoying child but I was also I look back in it and I go actually like I was very very productive and I would do things like make music videos in year seven with my dad's camera get all my mates around make full studio albums in my mom's bedroom with a mic like this and a

sock over it for the pop filter that's one for the studio engineer he likes that and it became very soggy because we were spitting and I was writing all my mates raps and then I was battle rapping as well and I was doing all this stuff at like year seven year eight and I think back now and I think if my little brothers and my losses were doing that at that age I would commend him I would go fucking hell like that's so you know you're really taking the initiative there but for me it was you're messing around and because I was shit at school and I was you know smoking weed so I was seen as a bit of a waste man and that's what my first YouTube channel was called Waste Man TV because I kind of embraced that even when I was filming people just do nothing i remember my mom my who swears

now that she always loved it and she was a big fan she used to i used to say mom she's like what are you doing get a job and i was like no mom i'm going to the park i'm filming this comedy thing with my friends she was like oh when are you gonna grow up what are you gonna get to be fair to her she had a point because i'm living there like a bum you know I mean like I'm not contributing but a part of that as well is like I'm trying I'm actively trying to do music videos and I was doing weddings and people just do nothing and music and I was hustling I was always hustling I guess I get that from my dad but they saw it as he's messing about but I think if you saw a kid doing that now with YouTube and TikTok you think wow they're really creative you know it's so bizarre it was a different time it's very interesting he's messing about. But I think if you saw a kid doing that now with YouTube and TikTok, you think, wow,

they're really creative. You know, it's so bizarre. It was a different time. It's very interesting because clearly you had a really strong work ethic. It's just that it wasn't categorized as work necessarily in your parents' eyes. And I wasn't academic at all.

You know, I loved English, but apart from that was terrible at maths, didn't understand science, just academically didn't work. School was too much fun for me. There was like girls and weed, you know, for me, like that's what it was. It was like friends, girls, weed. I just loved school. I had too much fun. So the academic side was not there for me, but the creative and social side was fantastic. We're going to come on to the academic

side because it pertains to one of your failures. But I wanted to ask you about confidence because on paper the way that you express what you were like when you're younger it might sound like you were a very confident child that you were able to do all of these things even though your parents didn't necessarily approve but also I know that a lot of people grow up using humor as a sort of defense mechanism and I wonder where you put yourself along that scale of confidence and insecurity it's an amazing question because through my rap battling which you know I really love doing because it was about being quick-witted it was about having thick skin and I remember my first battle rap I did I think I was 15 or 16 and it was at this event called jump off which was a very intimidating rap event and it wasn't

like today's rap battles you know where you have all these kind of nerdy uni guys and they were multi-syllable and it was like really London you know it was hoodies up everyone kind of you know screw facing you I remember going up there when I was I think I must have been 16 actually not 15 and I remember battle rapping there and I remember absolutely getting slaughtered the first time I went there. You know, the guy was fat jokes, terrorist jokes. I mean, I got torn to pieces, booed off stage, absolutely humiliated, went home. I was with my mate. And I remember I was really, I felt sorry for him because I was like, sorry, man, I let you down. He was like, nah, man. Even he was a bit embarrassed, like keeping his distance from me horrible experience but I went back and I won a few battles and then I lost and I went back so I did it a few times and then I started developing this thick skin of being like I'm gonna preempt what they say now so I always had fat jokes ready so you know if they call me fat I remember I had this one line that I would always go to and it was something like yeah I know I'm fat I know it's life destruction I'll get your mom to suck my dick and give me liposuction sorry sorry sorry sorry that's amazing but I'd always

use it and then if it was a terrorist line because you know around then it was like you know just a bit after 9-11 so that terrorist brown people thing was you know like oh bin Laden kind of it was a bit more prevalent and also you could get away with it so I remember someone said something about that and I said something like yeah this is a battle you're going to get murked your mom loves me I've got her rocking the Taliban t-shirt like you know so I had stuff ready for all this stuff and I just think back 16 years old doing that for my confidence and for being quick-witted and freestyling I mean I did that at 16 and I think all this comedy and acting stuff like this is nothing in terms of intimidation here I'm I feel in a safe space you know when I'm on set or on stage it's a set that wasn't a safe space and I did that when I was 16 so if I can do that then all the rest of the stuff you know

is there and 100% it was used as a defense mechanism as well the comedy the kind of I'm going to take the piss out of myself so much you will have nothing to say to me at all but at the same time I think it's also this thing of wanting to please others and wanting to make people laugh and I really think really funny people aren't people who kind of run the show and make it all about themselves those people are quite intense for me I think really funny people is when you can bring in everyone and you're having fun together and you're letting people join in and you're bouncing off each other and there's synergy and there's rhythm to the kind of,

and it creates a nice atmosphere. So I love doing that as well as a kid. So, and you know, my family, we had a lot of trauma and, you know, divorce and all kinds of stuff going on in our family.

So I was, sorry, when your parents, I think I was 11 or 12. So it was young. And I used to use that comedy to kind of make everyone happy you know I remember one of the this is really like really sweet but it's a very vivid memory of mine where my mum and dad were always fighting I remember me and my sister we were just like sick

of it because they were screaming and I remember going into the garden and getting this twig and putting a Tesco bag on it a white Tesco bag and running into the living room and being like peace peace and it was like almost doing it as a funny thing as well like I've got a peace flag you know like stop fighting so comedy was always there to kind of heal and protect as well and with that comes confidence because if you know you've always got that card and you know you know okay I'm funny I know I'm funny and I can pull it out when I want to you know it's the kind of thing so it was a very useful tool and still is beautiful that's such a beautiful way of expressing it to heal and protect yeah i wanted to talk to you about brown skin your rap chat thank you notice yeah i do have brown skin i want to talk about your brown skin thank you can you imagine

i've just noticed you're brown you're brown it's a song you released yes it's a song you released and I mentioned it in the introduction because I listened to it in preparation this interview and it's really good it's so good it's powerful and serious like you are making some serious points tell us why you wanted to release it one thing I regret actually I don't regret you know when we were going back to school I loved One thing I regret, actually, I don't regret, you know, when we were going back to school, I loved English, but I also loved history. I loved history. And I had a fantastic history teacher who was a legend in our school. His name was Mr. Quirk. He's probably gonna listen to this actually, because his son is a journalist for the Guardian who actually gave a five-star review to people just do nothing. And he mentioned the whole thing that my dad taught Chabadiji in

school. I remember his dad, I mean, Mr. Quirkirk was he had this Robert De Niro intensity right where he was more powerful than the headmaster 100% you know when you just have those dons you know he was a bit older and I remember the way he taught was just so interesting because he always used to say when you'd answer a question of his he would say well yes and no you show you there's two sides to everything and I remember once he gave me this death stare which I will never forget I remember When you'd answer a question of his, he would say, well, yes and no. He would show you there's two sides to everything. And I remember once he gave me this death stare, which I will never forget. I remember I ran across the street for school. You know, I was late.

He nearly ran me over, right, because I didn't use the lights. And he just went, and he horned like that. And I thought, fuck, it's Mr. Quirk, you know. So then I had him in, like, period four, and I was dreading it. And I sat there. He didn't look at me. He kind of waited, you know, a few 30 seconds. And then he gave a whole speech about the value of life and didn't look at me once.

And I was like trembling. But after that day, I was always safe on the roads because I was like the way he explained it. But he was amazing. And he did follow the curriculum. But I went to a school in Hounslow called Heathlands. And it was, I would say say around 85% Asian right so I grew up in Feltham which was a very racist white area you know there's a lot of NFs I used to get beaten up a lot when I was a kid yeah a lot of racism a lot of yeah it was quite a scary place when I was growing up it kind of got better I remember having

to run from my bus stop to home because I had to pass this pub and there was always these kind of EDL kind of geezers there you know and it was like proper NF so it was a scary place to grow up in but I remember Mr Quirk always said that you know he goes I can teach you about Henry VIII and World War II which we did but he also said that I'm going to encourage you to research your own history too he said you know research the empire and the british raj because this is not in the curriculum but he urged us to ask our parents and our grandparents about their experience and why are we here because you know we're only second generation it's not like we're fifth to sixth generation like why are we here why are we in england why are we in this tiny little island like we don't belong here kind of thing you know you do

ask yourself you look around and go what so that led me to kind of researching my own history and, you know, asking my grandmother and my granddad and my mom and my dad and, you know, researching the empire, basically, the British Raj. And I always felt like, why has this not been taught? I think there's this romanticized version of the empire, which I understand it was, you know, it was a massive empire, conquered most of the world. But there's a lot of trauma there. There's a lot of nastiness,

like in all history, there's good and bad. So it led me to kind of researching it. And Brownskin was just something that I wanted to kind of translate because yes, I am a comedian and I do love comedy, but I do also feel like I have a voice and I feel like I come from a place where there is a lot of history

in terms of immigration. Heathrow, Hounslowounslow South all these are all around the country people know these with the South of riots and the immigration and that that movement in the 70s you know it's all the racism and there was so much so I felt like I wanted to say something and but do it in a fun way like I wanted to like you know make a banger but also when they're listening to it be like and I was really proud of that because it's quite tough to step out of this Chabadiji role exactly and being like look Chabadiji's rapping you know that kind of thing can be a little bit testing so I had to make sure it was quality and I had to make sure I got my message across without being preachy because I think that makes people just run a mile when you're

telling them hey you know this kind of thing. So yeah, it was, uh, I'm really proud of that song. Actually. You should be, you nailed it.

And talking of what you were and weren't taught at school brings us onto your first failure, which is that you got kicked out of your drama class and left school with two GCSEs. Yeah. Tell us about being kicked out of your drama class first. Okay. So,

I mean, I don't know if she will ever I mean this is a very very brilliant successful podcast so I hope she doesn't hear this but she might my drama teacher I won't say her name she knows who she is totally over it as you can tell not bitter at all she was a very how do I say a very kind of rigid woman and really bizarrely because she's a drama teacher and I was my idea of drama teachers were like hey like let's be free and that's why I did drama GCSE because I thought and I've never done acting before but I know I'm a bit of a show-off a bit of attention seeker and you know a lot of fit girls were doing drama as well so I thought you know why not so I was in my drama class and she just did not like me you know like just I was getting

jokes in the class I of course I was being a bit of a shit and she just did not like me you know like just I was getting jokes in the class I of course I was being a bit of a shit you know I would come in late you know smelling of weed I'm sure I was a nightmare right but before I just speak about let me just speak about the importance of a good teacher and the importance of a bad teacher I had great teachers in school you know Mr Quirk there's also my English teacher who I'm still friends with till this day his name is Mr Walsh absolute legend he used to listen to my rap songs with that I'd make I'd bring them in and he was a big NWA fan and everything and I was a shit as well in his class coming in late smelling of weed he made effort with me he would say there's something there with

you he read my short stories he said he's a talented kid but he's a dickhead you know he would say that to me because you're a shit you know he'd be swearing and all this stuff and I loved him and because of him I got a B in English one of my only proper GCSEs so the importance of a good teacher Mr Walsh Mr Quirk now this teacher unfortunately she was a bad teacher in my opinion because what she did is that she crushed my confidence completely and like I said she just didn't give me a chance and then basically what happened is my friend Nix right who kind of looks a bit like me you know similar kind of you know short fat whatever uh asian he chucked a rubber at the teacher's head right she turned around and she saw me and because she just hates me she was like she went mad like I mean talk about a drama teacher

it was fucking drama she was like oh my god like felt like you know she got shot in the head or something and she was like oh on the knees she was like hasim get here now go to the office blah blah blah and i was like obviously i'm not going to snitch on my mate you know i took the rap for him obviously i'm not a snitch you know i went to the headmaster's office and they were trying to get me done for abuse or something. Yeah, like ridiculous, really ridiculous. And then she kicked me out of the drama class. And obviously this is the GCSE. So I said, you know, I'm really sorry. I wasn't aiming for you, miss, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And then she said, OK, we worked out a deal. She said, look, if you try really hard, if you come in on time, you have to earn your grade.

And I love that. I love that she was giving me because it was the first time she gave me a kind of a shot so I was like okay great so I was coming in every lesson on time really taking it seriously I remember my group's play I wrote and directed it was a spoof on the godfather it was called the poppadom father really funny you know it was really really well kind of everything everyone loved it and I gave myself a small role literally a cleaner who just comes in one scene because I thought there's a chance I might not get and obviously I was writing and directing it so brilliant everyone got A's and then at the end I went to speak to her and I said look how have I done what do you think and I thought she's going to say well done and she said no you haven't done enough and I was just I felt crushed and then my whole

group all wrote a letter to her and to the head saying please can you grade ass him because it's out of order he's done all this work she still didn't grade me so then after that in terms of acting I completely stopped I thought well I must not be good at it she crushed my confidence to a point where I went more into the kind of the music and you know and even just behind the scenes more and I started doing media studies and film a broadcast not acting I thought acting's not for me because I can't do it because I tried my hardest and wrote and all that I couldn't do it so that was really heartbreaking and that really stuck with me and that was one of the I'd say my first massive failures in life because you know when you think you're really good at something yeah and you know a person in authorities a person in power kind of tells you

you're not because that's what she basically said you haven't done enough you're not good enough you know I'm not going to grade you and I got a you you know I got ungraded in drama GCSE so it felt like a great injustice and it still hurts because I still think of you know what a horrible person to do that to a child. Let's be honest, you know, the kid can be a shit. He can be a pothead and disruptive. It's a child, you know, it's a 15 year old, 14 year old kid, you know, so that, that would really felt like a big failure and knocked my confidence for years when it came to performing. Yeah. And I just think, you know, it wasn't cool. and also because it was all triggered by something that you didn't do and then to be punished so disproportionately even if you had done it

the injustice there's like layer upon layer of unfairness there I think the rubber thing was kind of irrelevant in a way because I was a shit she hated me she was kind of looking for an excuse to kick me out that's why she was so over the top but it's quite funny I remember I was telling this story in America once and I said I threw a rubber and they were like you got condoms in school I was like no sorry in a razor you know rubber but yeah it was yeah you're right though I didn't even do that and my I remember my boy felt really bad as well he was like bro because I'll just tell her I did it man and I was like you know what it's not even gonna make a difference because she won't believe us she'll go oh you're sticking up for your power kind of she was just nasty. And I know it's that

cliche of those who can't do teach, which I don't think it's true, but she did seem very bitter. And God, this has all turned to a big attack on her. She's already listening. You haven't named her. And I completely understand that what you're saying is you internalize that failure, even though that failure was actually hers when you're at school and you're at an age where you're so open to so much influence it's very hard not to internalize that failure because you are literally graded as a person for every single year and what was the knock-on effect then with your other GCSEs do you think it did have an effect I don't think so no I mean I wasn't like I said I wasn't I didn't take school seriously enough. I honestly do think I just

had too much fun, which is a good thing. I've got wonderful memories from school and still got the same friends, a core friend, you know, we're like brothers, but yeah, I had too much fun. And I go back and I tell my little brothers and my little sisters and my little sister now, don't do what I did, you know, cause they look at me and go, well, well you know they call me Baijan or Asim Bai they're like oh he had fun in school look at him he's you know so and I said no I said I wasted so much of my life I'd nothing happened to me in my life until I was like 26 you know I wasted so much time just because I didn't take life seriously I just didn't it's a two-way thing as well people don't take you seriously as well when you don't take yourself seriously and you know people don't because they're like well he doesn't care even

though I'm excelling in a creative field which I think is so brilliant these days where I think we can recognize when children are academics or they're creatives or they learn and they learn in different ways and I was learning in a hundred percent in a creative way and in a visual way I was watching I'm a massive film geek and documentaries and studying all that stuff. So, you know, and music, but when it comes to, you know, maths or science, I mean, I'm lost. I have no idea. Yeah. It was interesting. So you got a GCSE in English and what was your second one? I think, you know, cause you get two, don't you? It's English language.

You've listed it as a failure, but it also feels to me that you don't regret it because you learned so much creatively and you made such good friends. Would that be fair to say? Or if you had your time again, would you do it differently? I think I would. I think I would.

I think I did have too much fun. And I actually think I was quite insensitive in school as well, because I remember I met this girl, maybe it was like two, three years ago. And she's lovely's lovely you know I used to speak to her not that much but you know I was like oh my god how have you been you know blah blah blah and then she was like oh you know no I'm fine so proud of you and this and then they were you know we were reminiscing and I was like god I was like school was so much fun wasn't she was like no she was like I fucking

hated it she goes I was depressed and I was going what she goes yeah she goes like all your mates were dickheads and I looked back and I thought we were like not me personally like I don't think I have any guilty conscience in terms of what I was always trying to be nice to people but a lot of people I hang around with were dickheads and I think I take that for granted that a lot of people didn't have a great time in school even though she was academically brilliant and she's you know got a great job and everything but she had a terrible time in school and I think in a way I didn't take school seriously in that way as well I mean I was a child as well so it's hard to be sensitive of everyone's but I did realize that a lot of people

were really had a shit time in school so everyone's experiences are different but they're unique as well so but I think I was naive and thinking, everywhere, school was amazing. Well, for some people, school was hell. And you left after your GCSEs, is that right? Yeah, I left and I went to college. Yeah. So did you feel that you'd been labeled a failure then? Well, yeah, 100%.

Because I didn't have enough GCSEs to get into the media course I wanted to do. I had to do a, what are they called? Not interim. BTEC? Yeah, like a B, but it's to get into a foundation. Okay, got it. I had to do a foundation to get a b but it's to get into the foundation okay i had to do a foundation to get into the b-tech to get into the shit thing so it was that level and i it was really hilarious because i went to school in hounslow and west thames is like down

the road it was notoriously known as a shit college and it was basically the college where everyone who was not allowed in their sixth form went there so when you when you turned up on the first day it was like a reunion of the fuckers it was like hey there you are you dickhead you know so it was actually really fun for the first year again i nearly got kicked out because it was too much freedom i remember just lighting up a cigarette and then asking if i could smoke because obviously in school you had to hide it you know we were 16 we were legal and my teacher went yeah sure you can smoke and i was like wow and then i remember not coming in or coming late or something and I was like sorry miss I'm like taking the piss and I sorry miss I'm like coming in you know eyes

glazed and then she would be like Asim she was like you don't have to apologize to me she was like if you don't come in we'll just kick you out she was like this is college because this isn't school we're not going to chase you like you know how school chase you like a child you're a young adult now and that really hit me. I was like, what? So wait, I can just not come in. It's your life. And that hit me. I think that was a really changing moment because I nearly got kicked out.

My parents came in and spoke to one of my teachers who was brilliant. Her name's Parvin, Iranian woman. It was my film studies girl. And she was so frustrated with me because she read some of my scripts and saw some of my potential. Again, not taking it seriously. And she said, look, we are going to kick him out if he doesn't. so frustrated with me because she read some of my scripts and saw some of my potential again not

taking it seriously and she said look we are going to kick him out if he doesn't and she just said he's got so much potential she was the only teacher in my college to see that again we go back to good teachers and the imprint they have and my parents were like what is this shit like what is me they didn't want me to do media studies because they were like what the fuck because you remember this is pre-youtube yeah media studies that sounds like a dos which it was i remember that time as well yeah yeah media studies and general studies which is like yeah come on you know so she really backed me and i love college and i did that i got through that foundation year and then i actually did really well got three b's at the end of my b tech which is equivalent of three a levels i'm told

and uh so yeah i mean like I said good teachers could just change your course I mean I don't know where I would have been if it wasn't for the Mr Walsh's and Mr Quirk's and you know Parvin and people like this you know who really did but for every good teacher there was always a bad teacher who was kind of waiting for you to just breathe in the wrong way and they're going to give you detention you know just teachers just didn't like you they didn't like the cut of your jib kind of thing and some teachers you get away with murder with because they just love you so it's that balance and I think that balance is important because you can't just have all good teachers because then you probably get away with loads of stuff you kind

of need the good and the bad I really love and appreciate that you've given a shout out to the good teachers because you're so right they're so formative. They're amazing. Hi, I'm Matt Lewis, historian and host of a new chapter of Echoes of History, a Ubisoft podcast brought to you by History Hit. Join me and world-leading experts every week as we explore the incredible real-life history that inspires the locations, the characters and the storylines of Assassin's Creed. Listen and follow Echoes of History, a Ubisoft podcast brought to you by History Hit, wherever you get your podcasts. Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest? This is a time of great foreboding.

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So now we fast forward a few years and your second failure is that you got deported from America. Okay, tell us about that, Asim. Okay, I'll be honest with you you i've never told this story before great that's why music to my ears exclusive how to fail scoop the reason i haven't told it before is because it's quite a painful story and it's a very embarrassing story so i finished uni got a degree in film and broadcast got a 2-1 i was very proud of myself shit uni hated it you know liked it because i went with two of my mates so we loved of myself shit uni hated it you know liked it because I went with two of my mates so we loved it but shit uni didn't learn that much saved up in the summer

because we wanted to go to the New York Film Academy you know it was always a dream of ours we thought wow New York and you know the New York Film Academy it's going to be amazing we'll do like a three-month course there blah blah blah no one month course there but we'll go there for three months and we'll shoot films and music videos and you know just new york it was like you know we're hip-hop lovers so like going to the birth of hip-hop it was like epic birth of the east the birth of the east coast hip-hop yeah not snow dog okay anyway so we're starting at east west beef fair bloody hell god there's a two-pack you know bloody hell you know you're that gangster i like that so we went they saved up a lot of money you know we

worked hard i think the course was around three and a half thousand dollars for a month filmmaking course which is a bit ridiculous but it's new york film academy so we went there we were living in a one-bedroom apartment in upper west side my mates alex's aunties and it was three of us in one bedroom and remember we took turns of one week someone's in the bed one week someone's in the sofa and one week someone's on the floor so it was like when your when your week came up for the bed you were like and it had mice as well the apartment so it was like yeah but you don't care I'm 21 or something like that I'm fucking loving it you know like best moment of my life so we go to the induction day and we're kind of looking around and you know it's just kind of really shit room and then there's all

these people there's all these foreign students everywhere and then they tell us what we're going to be doing for the month and it's like the most basic like college level assignments with really basic equipment as well like we had better equipment on us like i just bought a 5d mark 2 and like you know we had amazing lenses and really cool glass and we're going do you think this is a bit of um not a scam but you know like when it's like oh i studied at new york film academy just to say you did it yeah so the teacher was like if anyone wants to drop out you can drop out you have to drop out today and you'll get a full refund so then we started thinking should we just drop out get a full refund we'll each have

three and a half thousand dollars we can go and just make our own shit. Like we can go and get on a Craigslist and casting call and get actresses and models and like do our own stuff. Like that's so much more fun, right? And we had friends in New York as well, like rappers and everything. So we were going to like build up a little network. So then we were like, okay.

And then, so we decided to do it, but they said, but if you drop out today, your student visa is void in 14 days. You have to leave in two weeks so we were going oh fuck and i don't know who this guy was but a dude just came up like i don't know he might have been in the janitor or something he was like hey man you know there's a loophole and we were like what he's like yeah man he's like you just gotta go to canada go to canada and come back on your visa waiver baby and we were like okay so we googled it and it was true. If you come on a visa, but if you go to Canada and then you come back on your normal waiver, it's fine. It's a loophole

and it's a bit, yeah, you probably will get questioned, but it's fine. So we thought, fuck it. It's great. So we had two weeks in New York and then we were like, we're going to go to Toronto. This is amazing. So we left basically all our shit in New York, right? Went to Toronto for the weekend, two days, had an amazing time in Toronto last night I remember we watched Paranormal Activity right the film it was out in cinemas and we were just so inspired because you know like as for a filmmaker being like how you know the budget on that and like genius like absolutely genius horror film brilliant and then we started thinking we were in a Hooters reference and we were very drunk and we're talking we're talking and then as we're talking we

start getting paranoid and we're going it's going to be fine tomorrow isn't it it's going to be like you know it'll be fine yeah i'm like it's a loophole but it's legal it's not you know they can't say anything we've googled it we do and we were like and the dude the dude in the hey man i was like he said it he must be fine and then we got even more drunk and then my mate suggested it but we all followed one of the stupidest things ever. You know, we had our passports on us and he was like, he was like, bruv. He was like, you know what?

He was like, should we just fucking rip out our student visas and just pretend that we didn't even go to New York Film Academy? And I was like, that is a fucking sick idea. So we all proceeded to rip out our visas really badly as well so you could still see the we left it in a beer glass in hooters and then we woke up the next morning worst hangover and being like it's gonna be fine it wasn't fine we went to the airport the first look he looked up and he went what have you ripped out of this you know and eight hours in interrogation eight hours

three or four of which was just me in a room on my own with no one coming to see me I was writing rhymes and I was a rapper and I had this business card from my barbers in Hounslow right and I remember after three hours he came in first thing he does obviously they've gone through all my luggage on my bag he throws my rhyme book on the table and I've got some lyrics about like the government don't love us you know so he's just got that highlighted and then and then he takes his business card out for this barber and the barber's name is Al Wissam right he puts the business card sits down like this and he goes who is Al Wissam and I was like he's like this camp barber from Oslo I'm sorry and oh my god went through all my

stuff that's terrifying and we completely came clean to them we said we were drunk we got paranoid blah blah blah they weren't having any of it we got deported back to London there's a happy ending somewhat because you know it's a scam people come on their visas and then they sell their visas to other people and then they just disappear and they're in the country we didn't know it was a scam so we kind of did a scam without knowing it was a scam and thankfully my mate Marvin he ripped it out but he kept his visa so if it wasn't for him god knows what might have happened and the British embassy didn't help us they were kind of like you're idiots you've made your bed kind of thing so got deported went back to England what happens when you're deported you literally get on a flight

then and there exactly this is so all your stuff is in new york yes and i'm so naive and stupid i thought i'm broke as well at this time you know we haven't got our refund yet for our course completely broke not a penny to my name i remember going okay so are you guys gonna pay for the flight for me to go and they're like no they're like of course we're not gonna pay for your fucking flight like it's your fuck up so that was 500 pound and I remember I couldn't tell my mom and my dad I just didn't have the heart because I just knew what they would say they're just oh we told you you know media stuff what are you doing you idiot and I remember having to ask my friend Alex you know who's still one of my best friends to this

day I remember him lending me 500 pound and he barely had that to give me so you know we all did that and I just remember us actually walking the streets of Toronto crying and I remember like my mate doesn't even smoke never touched a cigarette in his life and he's like give me a cigarette brother and we were just smoking I remember we were crying I remember seeing black squirrels everywhere because Toronto's got loads of black squirrels which is really creepy and it was just a very horrible I never want to go back to Toronto it's ruined it for me they deport you to Toronto and then you've got to get back no no so I'm already in Toronto and then I'm going into the airport and the US embassy to get into America they stop you there and they say fuck off back to Toronto and now you have to book a flight I can stay in Toronto

but I need to go home don't I I need to go. I can stay in Toronto, but I need to go home, don't I? I need to go home. I need to go to the embassy. I need to. So I went home and explained everything. And then I got a visiting visa, which was, you know, it's the same thing. And now I went back and we actually had a great time. We were there for three months and we shot all these videos, but now all the time I'm level two security. It's a nightmare. And it's my fault for something very stupid I did. So that was a massive, massive failure. I know you're saying it's your fault for something very stupid i did so that was a massive massive failure i know you're saying it's your fault so this is not an equivalent experience at all but i used to be married to someone who had the surname ahmed right and as soon as we got

married and i had that surname on my passport i would get stopped every single time i went into america taken aside i mean i wasn't even interrogated but i was put into one of those rooms where you have to wait to be seen and they're so mean to you and you have to leave your mobile phone there's no way of getting in touch with anyone and honestly it's like a horrible experience yeah and the only reason was because of that name in the passport yeah do you think there was a racial element to it as well not at all the thing is i've already got that on me right so even without that incident not I'm always gonna have I actually remember clean shaving before I went because I was like I just don't want any trouble you know because it adds you know whatever I don't

know it was literally just because of the incident because these fucking passports with ripped out pages in them it would just look so dodgy but of course profiling happens all the time but you know they tell you they just say it happens with everyone now anyone who's got that kind of name or is it for father who's from Pakistan or Taliban is all around the Afghanistan like you know they just don't take any risks they just you know and that of course is going to lead to profiling and stereotyping so it's just something to be expected but I mean you seem very accepting of it yeah because what I mean what am I going to do but I think I'm accepting of it as well because I know I fucked up as well

so a lot of it is my fault but of course the whole name stuff it is ridiculous but what can you actually do it's the United States of America I mean it's like you know it's the country that banned Muslims you know to coming I mean it's not I'm not surprised and also I think it's an interesting take because I'm 35. So I've only lived in a post 9-11 world. So, you know, as an adult, so I don't actually remember what it's like not being the guy who looks like the bad guy. I've always looked like the bad guy, if you know what I mean?

Like, you know, before that it might've been Irish or obviously black people have always had that stereotype and they've always had hardships or Jewish people, you know, everyone's had their, but post 9-11, it was like, the bad guy looks like you now. He's a brown guy with a beard, right? And a bag. I've lived with that. You know, I've lived with that stereotype and it can be tough, but I'm also aware of it. Like, I remember I was on the train once after the 7-7 bombings. I remember I had this bag, I was coming from boxing and I had my boxing bag there and there was this woman sat opposite me this you know blonde woman and she was like this just not moving at all just staring at me and looking at the bag and I remember I felt so anxious because I was like

I felt like a terrorist I felt like I was gonna blow the fucking trainer I remember I went into my bag she was going and I just got my phone i was like got a banana right yeah just deep throwing it with eye contact it really creeped her out i was like god i don't know what is he a terrorist or is he you know a porn star i remember that and that feeling it's like also being a man being a big kind of hairy man i also feel that and i'm aware of that i'm aware that i look like how i look like i remember i was on a bus once at bus stop it was late it was like 11 30 and with this tiny little girl was there you know she was you know I can't remember she was probably in her 20s or something but she was there she saw me and I had my hood up and I had a big beard it was cold I felt her eyes on me

you know so I kind of moved away from her just out of like I don't want to scare you kind of thing and she was like and then we got onto the bus you know and then we get off at the same bus stop right because we're going to the train station and she looks at me oh my god and then we get on the train and then it's fine you know we're separated again we get off at the same stop and then i remember i felt like going up to her just going i'm not gonna kill you yeah yeah That would creep her out even more. So sometimes you just have to be aware of who you are, what you look like and what your perception is. And that's fine because it's society. I'm not saying it's right, but you have to be aware of it.

And I think that's just being sensitive sometimes to others. And obviously some things are not on, but you kind of learn to live with it in a way. That deportation from America, did it feel very sweet when you got the British Airways gig for the safety video? Yeah, I bet some of those custom officers are going, that fucking guy, Al with Sam. Yeah, I guess it did in a way.

I mean, you know, I mean, that gig's just mental because, you know, it started off as a kind of joke. Richard Curtis was writing this sketch. He was saying, you know, we've got this funny character, you know, that is the director. He goes, do you think Chabadi could do it? Because we did an Ed Sheeran sketch where I played the director with Richard Curtis.

And that was it. And we met and we wrote the stuff. And I had no idea that it would have that kind of impact, you know, because you forget how many times it's played. And it's on every single kind of long haul flight. So it's like your face is being seen every single kind of long-haul flight so it's like your face is being seen by literally millions of people every day you know I mean maybe not every day but it was massive and I'm really proud of it as well because I think it did a job of being funny

but also some vital information that normally no one ever listens to you know when the safety stuff comes on you're kind of like on your phone and whatever blah blah blah but yeah it was very bizarre but yeah I guess it was a little sweet nod to like, you know, yeah, this is the boy that got deported. Did you get free BA flights? Yeah. Well, no, because it was for charity, right? It was for comic relief.

But BA do look after me. There's a limit. There's a limit. You can't take the full piss. But when I go on there, whether it's free or not, they are so lovely because they're so used to me. You know, when I'm doing the bit with Gillian Anderson, I go, thank you, Gillian. That's a thing.

If you ever go up to anyone in BA, just say to anyone who works there, just say, thank you, Gillian. And they will crack up. It's like a thing. They all say, thank you, Gillian. Thank you, Gillian. Yeah, no, it was a great, great gig. Oh, so nice. And you must get people on BA flights, just other customers doing double takes as well.

Yeah. What's it like when you get recognised for the right reasons? For the right, what do you mean the wrong reasons? Well, I've been deported from America would be the wrong reason. It's lovely. And it's a very strange thing. And I don't have it to a point where, you know, my fame isn't at all out of hand. You know, we're not household names we are still quite a cult niche show which I like I like our level of fame I don't necessarily I wouldn't want it to be anymore because at times it can bring I'm gonna tell you a great story about but most

of the time I love it I mean you know when you're respected and liked for your work as someone comes up to you and they tell you that they really like your work and even my favorite ones are when they say i was in a really bad place and i'd feel shit and i'd put on your shows and it would just take me away from that place and that really is the best comment you know what it's like it's like when you've helped very generous of you to say but yeah when something's meaningful and it makes a connection and it's escapism as well it's like i'm watching this i'm listening to this I'm not dealing with my life right now like this is pure escapism and that's in a way that's what we're here to do we're here to help people escape it goes back to me with my family telling jokes and cracking jokes because I want everyone to be okay so

in a way we're doing the same thing because we kind of want to entertain and we want to what was it heal and whatever you know heal and protect yeah heal and protect so it's like that's the best thing but sometimes I do get some people coming up to me and whatever, you know, yeah, heal and protect. So it's like, that's the best thing. But sometimes I do get some people coming up to me and doing quite dodgy, chabadiji accents, which here's my thing, right? Have you ever noticed like how, you know, I could do an Italian, I could go, and it's fine. Right. And you know, you could do an Italian accent, you can do a Spanish accent or whatever, Russian, maybe not Russian accent anymore. But, but you know, like the whole thing with it or

can you do an Indian accent right a white person doing Indian accent is still a little bit like or doing a Chinese accent or something it's a bit like oh it's deeply inappropriate it is but here's my thing so obviously I get it people come up to me like hey jump on bg manual and I'm going oh my god stop what are you doing right so? So I get that. Terrible, terrible accents. And a lot of these people are young. So it's, you know, there's no offense meant. They're trying to emulate a character they love, right? And they think I'm that character, which I am, but also I'm not.

I'm awesome. But you know, here's my thing with that. If you can do a good accent, any accent, it's brilliant. It's never, ever going to be offensive. And I will tell you that because I have met many many many white people who do brilliant Chobani G accents one of my best friends Hugo who plays beats me and him kind of came up with that kind of voice together because we used to prank call brothels and QVC with you know we go hello darling it's Chobani G here that's how we started actually that's the

character in terms of the voice and stuff we used to do prank call people and his accent's brilliant I mean I could close my eyes and it would be just like a brown guy and I'll tell you what that does that shows me that you have a level of respect that you've actually learned that because it's an accent but also it's a rhythm it's a dialect it's regional it's specific you care enough to pay attention exactly yeah and I care enough for my chabadi accent it's a very specific accent it's not a I know how you're doing it's not a call center accent if you go to Hounslow you will hear people talking like that using the same slang the same lingo the same the w's and the v's getting mixed up that you know all that stuff is around that area so it's specific and it's

detailed and when you take time to learn that and portray something with that level of detail, you know, I care, right? So if you're showing me, you care, it's completely fine. But sometimes it does get a little bit when they don't, and it's just the complete, but then again, I'm not expecting everyone to be brilliant at accents and learn all the, you know, some people just want to, you know, I'm sure Adam Partridge, aha, you know, it's like, there's some people just want to you know i'm sure adam partridge aha you know it's like some people just want to say the thing right so most of the times it's lovely and one day no one's going to give a shit so very very grateful for anything and it's a blessing really you know because and also you know i don't do shit stuff you know imagine if you were like

i don't know like you know you did really shit stuff let's say you were like a pierce morgan yeah well you know i mean you you'd be a little bit like no but you know what i mean if you were not super proud of some of the stuff you did that must be hot and you were famous oh god if you want to like a reality show star or some are great don't get me wrong but if you're known for something that's not like people like well what do you know like these days people are just famous i remember my little brother's mate i asked him what you want to do when you grow up and he was like I want to be famous man and I was like yeah but what famous for what he's like you don't need to be famous for anything bruv he's like I just want to be popping in I want to be famous I want to be surty and I was like bruv like what do you it's bizarre but that is the thing now

people just want to be famous so it's strange let's finish with your third. Because I'm having so much fun talking to you that I've totally forgotten that there is a third one. Sorry, I've been motor mouthing. I'm sorry. No, you're not. And it's just been a joy. But your third failure is that you got robbed for all of your camera gear.

Was it the same camera gear that you left in New York and that you had to fly back? No. No, actually, yes, it was. Stop. You need to get rid of that. It's bad energy. No, you're, oh my God no you're oh my god you're

absolutely right it was the same camera because that was it was a canon 5d mark ii okay yeah because that was my camera so you know when i came back to england broke looking for a job i had a degree couldn't get a job because especially in that industry you know no one's going to employ a camera operator and editor with no experience so what i was doing is i was trying to build up my showreel and be like no actually i've done this and I've done this you know it's really hard especially back then it wasn't the same networking you know YouTube was a thing but it wasn't like you know we didn't have Instagram and I think Twitter was a thing but it wasn't really a thing thing you know if Facebook was around but you know fuck Facebook was you know

it's just it wasn't you know TikTok and all these amazing apps to just push your stuff out there. It was a real struggle. I remember it was really tough. So I was doing a music video. I used to do a lot of hood videos, right? Which were 200 pound a pop, very, very budget. And I had a YouTube channel specifically for it. Someone contacted me and said, Hey man, I like your show real. And, you know, I called him up and we had a chat and he was like, yeah, I just want a simple kind of like hood videos. I mean, a few of my boys and I thought, hey, man, I like your show reel. And, you know, I called him up, and we had a chat, and he was like, yeah, I just want a simple kind of, like, hood video. It was, like, me and a few of my boys. And I thought, yeah, all good.

So then, you know, they told me the place and time. And I normally take my friend Alex with me, you know, the guy who lent me the 500 quid. I'd film with him, because obviously I've got, like, you know, around four or five grand worth of stuff on me, right, like, in terms of the camera and the lenses. Called him up again, seemed super legit, checked his profile, everything was all good.

And it was in Plasto, you know, which I was fair enough I was like straight away I was gonna be like oh plasto a bit dodgy so I got the train there and my friend Alex couldn't make it if he pulled out on the last day and I was like so broke and I was like I need this 200 quid like I need to pay my mom some rent and I need to pay my phone bill and you know just I was broke so I was hustling so I was I have to do this I went waited for the guys and then they were like yeah we're just around the corner and I was like okay cool like completely not expecting it as I turned the corner three guys with balaclavas right and I got a knuckle duster right to my nose here which I've still got the scar there and my nose just popped open like that and I I was completely stunned. I didn't know what was

going on and they were going to get, you know, and then I instinctively just swang for one of them, hit one of them purely kind of out of, you know, retaliation. And then they pulled out a knife and they said, give us a bag. And I gave him the bag. And I remember I was just so shocked. Cause you know, when you get, I don't know if you've ever been hit in the nose like that, it doesn't hurt. It's got a very numb feeling you feel numb your whole face just feels like what's going on then I did the dumbest thing ever I was covered in blood I did the dumbest thing ever is that I chased them I chased the guys with the knives and the knuckle dusters because they were young they looked terrified the look in their eyes it was a setup

you know it was I got completely set up and I was running through their estate and I'm thinking what am I doing and then I realized i'm losing a lot of blood i should probably say and then i loads of lovely people came up to me i was near the bus stop and they were giving me tissue and you know they call the ambulance and i remember one of the scariest things ever was going into that ambulance and instantly he took my top off and i thought bloody hell calm down so what's going on here I normally skip this part in the porn. And he started checking my body for stab wounds. Yeah. Cause I didn't know. Cause he said people who get stabbed, they don't know because especially it's in that shock situation. It's the adrenaline

kind of thing. Anyway, it was horrible, horrible, horrible. And my camera wasn't short. It took ages for me to get my insurance money, but I was so broke after that. My face was completely messed up for a couple of months. I had to quit my job cause I couldn't come in. I was so broke after that. My face was completely messed up for, you know, a couple of months. I had to quit my job because I couldn't come in. I was so broke. I was so down because what they had taken is literally my livelihood. Like that was my tool to make money.

And your identity. And my identity. And actually I had already started filming people just do nothing at that time. So on that memory card or in one of the memory cards, there was footage of people just nothing, which is probably out there. Some idiot probably bought it for cheap you know I don't know and probably the lowest I've ever been in my life to be honest massive failure you know like and it was out of desperation because I would have normally never gone to somewhere like

Plastow in a council estate on my own that's just dumb you know looking back and I think man but desperate times you know desperate people do desperate things sometimes. This is a really weird way of how life works out sometimes. I kind of had to hit the lowest of lows to then, like I said, I was doing People Just Do Nothing. I think three months after that event is when we got the pilot commissioned from the BBC. So it was kind of a very bizarre things.

And then I got my insurance money and I got my camera back. And all of a sudden I'm filming a pilot for the BBC. So it was kind of a very bizarre things. And then I got my insurance money and I got my camera back. And all of a sudden I'm filming a pilot for the BBC. I always think whoever those dickheads were, cause I'm sure they were children and I'm sure, you know, they were kids, they were teenagers. I'm sure they were opportunists and this has happened. The police told me this, a known scam through YouTube. People say we want music videos. They set them up, but I just always thought about, did they have, they ever see me on TV? And they go, that's the guy, that's the guy we robbed, you know? So a massive failure, but it taught me to be more wise. And the thing is, I knew there was dangers there, but I also knew I needed money. I've never been a guy to ask for handouts. You know, I never like asking my parents for money.

My friends, I hate it. You know, I really hate it. I've always been a very, very independent man. So that was a huge, huge fail, but followed by a huge huge win you know interesting and I think when you hit rock bottom and then you pick yourself up it teaches you such important emotional resilience and I started off in the introduction reading out a quote that you've given where you describe yourself as an eternal optimist that eternal optimism must have been really challenged at that period in your life oh yeah I mean could you imagine you know it's like not only have you been physically brutally attacked emotionally your spirit's completely beaten down you know because I worked hard for that camera gear as well you know we worked just a lot of money you know we built up

that stuff and worked really hard and you know like I said academically rubbish but the work ethic was always there you know and it was I was trying to find ways creative ways to do stuff and I could have easily sold drugs and most of my friends were drug dealers in Hounslow and I actually remember being quite envious of them and being like they they had so much money and they were lovely. They would pay for me and pay for this, pay for that. But they would also be getting robbed and their houses getting raided and just not being able to sleep. And with my dad's kind of past, you know, my dad went to prison when I was younger for fraud. So that really scared the shit out of me. And I actually remember going to see him at Scrubs and seeing my dad there.

Like I said, my dad's a sweet little man, you know, just being like, what's he doing there? You know, it's like that scared the shit out of me, you know? So I never did anything illegal in my life. I was always like, I'm smart enough and creative enough to find a way, you know, but it was frustrating because you see all your friends doing all these things. And I'm here like, I went to uni.

I didn't know, none of my friends went to uni, all the boys I grew up with. But I also think, you know, quick money goes quick. And all those boys, you know, now they're struggling, you know, like not all of them, but a lot of them are struggling with their, they're not doing what they want to do because they were making money back then. But that lifestyle, I never really wanted to live that. When you were in that very dark place, what helped you through? I know you then got off of the pilot, but how did you get through those days before that happened? I think a huge part of that was I moved back in with my mum because

she was pregnant with my little sister. So around that time, my sister must've been around one or two. And I'll be honest with you when my sister was born, because her dad wasn't around, I kind of took on the father figure role. And I think that helped me mature really quick you know I can't remember how she's 13 now so she was born in 2008 so yeah I don't know the dates exactly but I would say that responsibility of being a big brother and being the kind of you know pseudo father figure that kind of made you could be like all right look you know you failed you got a fail you took a loss let's keep going kind of thing. You know, it didn't stop me, I was trying to get the insurance money to get my camera back, you know, I was like, I need to get my camera back, I'm going to go and

do weddings and sketches and blah, blah, blah. So she was a huge motivation. And she still is, you know, to this day, you know, she's going to be 14 in May. And I've been that father figure for a long time. And that will motivate you, you know, if you have a, you know, a young girl, you know, looking up to you, and you know, you have to be that guy, you have to be the guy, you know, and even though it's not your daughter, but you know, you have to play that, you know, and of course, there's boundaries, and it's not your responsibility in that way. That is my mother's responsibility. But that will definitely motivate you to be something and provide and all that. So I would say her and yeah, just a sense of responsibility. I think that's important. I never really had that before. You know,

I didn't really feel responsible for anyone apart from myself, really. My mom's very independent. My dad's obviously a hustler, wheeler dealer. My sister's very independent. So I never really felt responsible. And when this little girl was born, I was like, oh shit, like, you know, you know, her dad's not around. So'm gonna have to step up so I would say yeah my little sister do you want kids one day yeah I do I do yeah 100% I feel like I've done a lot of the dad stuff already with my little sister so I feel like I'm ready but yeah I'd love to have kids I think a life without children obviously it's different for different people but I just think they bring a light and energy into your life that not many things can replace you

know not many things can live up to you know and that sense of responsibility you know it's like we all need a purpose in life and I mean we find it in different ways but yeah I mean children are amazing you know I'd love to have children do you have any children I don't yet and you like to have children very much yeah that's been a whole long struggle. But my husband has three children. So I have lots of children in my life. Oh, wow. That's amazing. Which I'm very blessed with.

And I totally agree with you. I mean, I think it's not for everyone. I've so often wanted to be someone who didn't want children because it would have been easier for me. Same. I used to think I was cool. I don't want no kids. Yeah, yeah. Fuck them kids, man. But I think you're right that for me, it would bring an extra element of meaning and purpose

and just seeing the world anew through an entirely new person's eyes. I interviewed Alan Cumming on this podcast recently, and one of his failures was not having had children. Wow. And he said that he'd had a conversation when he was thinking about whether to do it or not with a friend of his. And he was like, I just don't know whether I could do it and what's it like and his friend said you've got dogs don't you and he was like yeah and you love your dogs

and he's like yeah he's like imagine a dog that can talk yeah it's true I totally get it yeah it is a sad thing yeah and I think when I see all my mates they're all having kids now and it's a lot of work they're always so tired and stressed of course but one question you ever ask parents and say you ask them was it hard work fuck you know yes was it worth it 100% they'll always say yes it's the most important thing in a lot of people's lives but you're right it's not for everyone and I wouldn't say that as a failure you know I don't think that's a failure it's timing it's opportunity it's you know there's a lot of kind of variables to it but I would recommend it to anyone hopefully I'll have some soon as well pop some in the oven. Asim this has just been such

a joy and really moving as well. Sorry yeah I think I spoke a lot I think I motor mouthed a bit so apologies for that I've got a bit of adhd so i kind of go my brain kind of goes i think you speak quite harshly to yourself about yourself that's something i've noticed about you you're not motor mouthing you're being really eloquent and just a dream interviewee and you're also not fat by the way you keep saying that and i'm fat you're not fat oh no i'm girthy there's a difference no we know you know you keep referring to yourself as fat and i want you to stop doing that no no listen it's i'm i know i'm not fat fat and i know i'm a handsome man it's fine but you know what i heard something brilliant on a not there's anything wrong with being fat of course there isn't and like i said girthy i've turned that whole thing into a sexy

thing mike tyson on one of the podcast i remember he was saying action bronson who was this new york rapper and he was going i'm a fair piece of shit man like you know like how i'm doing right you know it's a defense mechanism it's blah blah blah and then my time was like don't say that man don't say that and he was like he was like i'm joking man he's like no he's like your subconscious doesn't know that you're joking and i was like wow and i was like because i always take the piss out of myself and your subconscious doesn't know that you're joking so you're actually you could be hurting yourself and believing your own kind of joke even if you're going oh i'm joking but your subconscious is like leave me alone i totally agree with you and i'm not equating these two

concepts but it's the same thing with failure if you tell yourself you're a failure and you internalize that then it's very difficult to allow yourself to think differently and what i always say is just because you failed has not meant you a failure. It's actually the lesson is in how you respond to it. And you have been a perfect example of that because each one of these failures that you've spoken about, you have responded in such an emotionally resilient

and wise way. Well, you learn more from your losses, don't you? You learn more from your... I love that you were going, you've been a perfect example of a massive failure you absolute dickhead no no I know what you mean that's a great way of putting it actually it's that the failures are almost essential for growth in life you know I mean imagine not failing to not fail was to not try I bring it back to you know the pure essence of comedy now this sounds really wanky the pure essence of comedy like for me comedy is all about risk taking I'll tell you what comedy

is comedy is you're in a room right something's happened a thought comes in your head should I say it should I say it might flop it might flop it might I might you know I'm gonna say you say it it could kill also you could fall flat on your face you could fail or you could be a fucking legend and that little thing a lot of people have it and most people don't say it because they go but the comedian will just go you know and just that little minute little thing that little taking the risk is what comedy is in my opinion it's just taking that risk and i tell a lot of jokes that don't work and I've also told jokes that fucking have killed the whole room you know so it's just that that little risk that we should all take because everyone will fail

and we all need to fail and risk is another way of saying opportunity yes I've loved our conversation Asim Chaudhry thank you so much for coming on How to Fail. Thank you very much. If you enjoyed this episode of How to Fail with Elizabeth Day, I would so appreciate it if you could rate, review and subscribe. Apparently, it helps other people know that we exist.