How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 1,000 First Dates Later: My Top 7 Easy Moves to Escape the Friend Zone and Get Her Asking You for Date No. 2

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

Dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett knows how frustrating first dates can be, especially when you’re unsure what to talk about or how to flirt. You’ve heard it before: “I didn’t feel a connection, but we can be friends.” Frustrating, right? Let’s change that! In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” Connell—who’s been on over 1,000 first dates—shares seven of his best first-date moves. These proven strategies help him and his clients ignite genuine, confident connections with women, without relying on weird, manipulative tactics that fall flat.Dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett will teach you:4:20: What to Text Her Before the Date to Get Her Excited to Meet You (No More Flaking!)11:05 - How to Tell Charismatic Stories that Make Her Hang On Every Word20:07 - The One Compliment that Always Keeps You Out of the Friend Zone (and Makes Her Smile)25:25 – Connell’s 3 Steps to Emotionally Connect with Any Woman, Even If You Seem to Have Little in Common30:12 - The WRONG Way to Touch Her on a Date (Don’t Do This!) and the RIGHT Way36:12 - How to Make Her Feel Special and Safe38:22 - How and When to Go for the First Kiss and Never Get Rejected44:09 - Bonus Tip! Connell’s Favorite First-Date Game: “5 Questions,” to Get Her Laughing and Loving Every Minute with YouStop hearing “Let’s just be friends” and start hearing “Let’s go out again.” Listen now to unlock the confidence and strategies that will make sparks fly on your next date!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE GREAT FIRST DATES:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30WANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[e-mail]

Dear m'lady, might I have your permission to please place my lips upon yours? No, don't do that. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach and author, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women, attract your dream girlfriend, and do it all by being authentic. No weird pickup tricks needed. Thank you for letting me be your dating coach for the next 30 minutes or so. And let me make a wild guess about something. You want fun, sexy, flirty, great first dates, right? You want

that conversation to flow. You want that woman looking at you, smiling, touching your arm. You know, when the moment's right, you want to know when and how to go for that first kiss, almost like it just happens. And then the next day she's texting you, hey, I had a really good time. When are we going out again? That's what you want. But I'll bet that's not where you are. I'll bet that the dates you do have, the conversation is fine, but it's rarely like on fire, really connected and flirty and fun and i'll bet you know that you should make moves and you might even know some of the moves to make but you're afraid something stops you you don't want to come off as creepy and the next day you get either she goes to you and goes quiet

or you get that next day text the whole um, hey, I just didn't feel a connection. That's very frustrating. It's frustrating to have a lot of first dates that don't lead to second dates. And it's also frustrating because maybe you're just not sure why women see you as just a friend. Well, I have been there. Oh boy, have I been there. So I've been a dating coach for 12 years now. And I've also been on, man, probably a thousand dates.

I estimated I've been on a thousand dates. But there was a time when I was first working on my dating life when I got really stuck in the friend zone. And I had so many first dates end with women just saying, hey, Connell, you're nice, you're funny, but I'm just not feeling it. And so I want you to know that I know how to fix this because at first I fixed it in myself and I fixed it in tons of my clients. So on this episode, I'm going to give you seven practical moves that you can use on first dates to make an authentic, real connection so that you

can soon have women saying, hey, when are we going out again? You can get a really great, sexy, awesome first kiss that feels very organic. And so I'm going to give you my seven best moves, my seven favorite moves to use on first dates to get out of that friend zone and make sure you have really good, fun, connected first dates. And make sure you listen to the very end of the episode, because I'm going to give you a bonus tip. Let's call it tip number eight. And at the end of the episode, I'm going to share my favorite first date game that I've played literally on dozens and dozens of first dates. I don't mean

playing games like in the deceptive way. I don't mean manipulation. I mean actually a game, a fun first date game that I want to teach you. It'll get women hanging on your every word. And also it might get you some free drinks where she'll buy the next round. So I'll explain that one at the very end of the episode. So yeah. And of course, you're going to be able to do this not as some weird pickup dude, not some strange fake alpha male persona, and not doing it with memorized cheesy lines. We'll be able to do it with authenticity and genuineness. Because guess what? It's really true. Women like you for you. They want to meet that real guy. So let's get to it. Here are my top seven first date moves for fun, sexy first dates to get you second dates. And these moves are in no particular order. I'm not saying they're ranked from best to worst,

or I should say from best to seventh best. These are in no particular order. And here is first date move number one. This actually predates the first date. First date move number one is send her a fun, flirty message before the date. There's a line in my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, where I basically say, think of your text messages with a woman as coming attraction trailers leading up to the main feature, the main attraction, the movie, which in this case is the first date. So your text messages can and should often get women excited about seeing you. This will cut down on ghosting. This will cut down on women who just go quiet. And it'll actually build anticipation and get a woman excited to see you on that first date and actually dial up the sexual and romantic tension. So yeah, think of your, think of the text message to send leading up to that first date as movie trailers. And the date is the main attraction. Remember those nineties? Remember that guy who did coming attraction trailers in the 90s?

You know, in a world filled with criminals, one man stood alone in a world that's powered by violence on the streets where the violent have power. A new generation carries on an old tradition basically this is the coming attraction trailer that women want for that main attraction which is a date with you so here's a couple of the text messages i love to send and i have my clients send either on the day of the date or or a day or two before the date so here's text number one one. You text her, just so you know, I have a fresh new haircut and I look very handsome. So you have been warned. Here's another one. You could text her, make sure you wear something tight and low cut tonight so we match. Okay. And number three, you could say, oh, hey, just so you know, I'm looking really good tonight.

I got a brand new shirt. So try to look at least half as sexy as me, as sexy as me if possible. So what do all these have in common? These are all cheeky. You're putting on a little bit of a playful role of a very confident man who, of course, she's going to be into you. Of course, you're going to be looking handsome. Now, these are jokes. I want you to feel free to send, feel free to throw in a winky emoji or a laughing emoji with any of these text messages. We want her to feel like, oh, he's kidding. He's joking. He's not really saying he's twice as sexy as me. But because you're willing to make that cheeky, borderline cocky joke, that sends a message

to a woman that says, hey, this guy's funny. He really believes in himself. And women tend to like it a lot. So here's one more I like. I call this one the accidental text on purpose. It's a term I first heard on Curb Your Enthusiasm. There's a Curb episode where Larry sends the accidental text on purpose. Now, the accidental text on purpose means that you pretend that the message you're sending your date was intended for somebody else. Again, this is a joke. You're not deceiving her. You're not actually telling her or making her think that

this was meant for somebody else. It's clearly a joke. So here's what I mean. Here's an example. This one has worked really well for my clients. So you could message her this. You could message her, hey, mom, dad, I have a hot date tonight with a total cutie. I just hope she doesn't find out I live in your basement. Just a silly, dumb joke. And then you, of course, can follow up with, oh, my God, Amy, I didn't realize that was meant for you with a laughing emoji. So again, we always want to make sure that when you're using humor, that it's clear, clearly a joke. It doesn't have to be

the funniest joke in the world. It just has to be clear. And there's a lot of power in creating a fun, flirty, playful vibe leading up to a first date. I remember nearly 20 years ago when I first started really working on my dating life, for the first time ever, after I was in the friend zone for so long, I started having women say to me things like, this woman Jennifer once texted me, she said, hey, I'm really excited to meet your smart ass tonight, with a winky. And we had a great date. I just remember thinking, wow, this can make a date go better. Here's a couple more examples. I want to read a couple of text exchanges between my girlfriend and myself. And this is my girlfriend's name is Jess. There's a great episode, a couple

episodes back, where I do a whole interview with her. We talk about our first date. So please listen to that if you haven't listened to it. And Jess and I texted a couple dozen times leading up to our first date. It really created a really strong, exciting anticipation. And I remember she texted me a day before the date. She texted me, hey, I'm really liking our banter. She was basically saying, keep it up. I like this. And so my response to that was, I wrote her. I'm literally reading from my phone text messages. I said, oh, hey, thank you. But just so you know, AI has been doing all of my texting with you.

The real me is boring AF. And I put a little robot emoji. She wrote back, LOL, I knew a dating coach couldn't be this suave and charming. So we're flirting. She's loving the banter. And then I also texted her this. This is just a few hours before my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess. I wrote, hey, I'm extra handsome tonight. You have been warned. Jess responds, good, because I look like garbage and I feel way too confident. We'll balance out nicely.

She's so witty. I love it. She's so funny. And I wrote back, oh, what a coincidence. Confident Garbage was the name of my rock band in college. And we texted leading up to the date. We had a great first date, as I talk about in that recent episode. And then the next morning after our first date, we have a great romantic kiss.

We have wine. It's a wonderful first date. And the next morning, she sends me a message. Before I ever texted her, she she sends me a message before I ever texted her. She just sent me a message saying how much fun she had and basically letting me know she wanted to see me again. So that's what I want for you. Okay. First date move number two. I love this one. This is so great. Share a real, true, authentic, personal story. Think vulnerable. I want you to share about your life and don't just try to impress her, but be vulnerable, be genuine. My favorite word here,

as you know, is authentic. Here's why this works. When you're genuine, when you share a personal, vulnerable story about yourself on a date, it helps you get more emotionally naked and more real with women. And you're giving her the green light to be emotionally naked with you, to be less guarded, to be more genuine. And it's when two people are being vulnerable, real warts and all with with each other, that you really start to see and feel each other's true selves. And that's when true emotional connection can happen. It's hard to make a true emotional connection with a woman if your guard is up, or if you're trying to impress her, or if you're doing scripted, rehearsed lines like so many awful male so-called dating experts teach. It's terrible. It gets in

the way of real connection. And I love sharing a vulnerable real story. Now, you might be saying, wait, hold on. Shouldn't dates be fun, playful, flirty? Absolutely. A date should mostly be those things. But to give texture and color to a first date, it's also great to have a personal vulnerable story. Something true, something real, and something that gives an insight into your life, your past, and who you are. So here's what I mean by a vulnerable story. And I'll give you a couple of examples here. Most guys make the mistake, most guys don't tell stories at all on first dates. But if they do, they might tell the story about the time they got the big promotion.

Don't tell that story. Talk about the time you went for the job, didn't get it, and felt crushed. Some guys will talk about the time they hit the home run to win the game, the baseball championship in high school. No, talk about the time you struck out. Talk about the thing that you screwed up. Think about vulnerability through the lens of what's something real and genuine that doesn't make me look good, or at least doesn't make me look good in the timeframe that the story was told. But now, because you're able to talk about it with some humor,

some perspective, sense of self-awareness, that's really attractive to women. A couple more tips about telling personal stories. Avoid sexual stories. Generally avoid them. You want to stay away from sexual stories. I do have one exception to that. I do talk about losing my virginity to women because I have a pretty good story for that. So it's not graphic or vulgar. But for our purposes today, just stay away from talking about sexual things. And also, don't share a story that's involving anything truly dark

or violent. You know, don't, God forbid, if you were arrested or if you ever committed a crime or have some kind of dark, violent crime that was committed against you, God forbid, avoid that negativity. That's not the kind of vulnerable I'm talking about. Here's the kind of vulnerable to be on a date. Share a time, share a story from your past about a time that you screwed something up or embarrassed yourself and learned a lesson from it. So for example, here's one of my favorite first date stories. I talk about how when I was a little kid, I was really heavy. I was like 20, 25 pounds overweight in grade school. So I talk, I tell about the kid who picked on me. I tell women about how I had a nickname in grade school.

It was a Mack truck. Also Ginger, Ronald McDonald, all these names because I was chubby and have red hair and I had a big red afro. So I'll tell a couple stories about that. I'll talk about this kid, Eric, who teased me. And I'll share how that felt at the time. But again, I'm not talking about these stories from a painful place on the date. I'm talking about how I rose above it. Or I'm talking about how much I've grown and learned since then. Another story from my past that women really love, I actually have this story on my audio prompt on my Hinge profile, but it also works really well on dates, is back when I was in high school, I was terrible at math, really bad at geometry.

And I'm sitting in geometry class one day, my sophomore year of high school, and I'm about to take the geometry test. And I realize if I take this test, I'm going to fail. And I'm going to have to go to summer school. That's going to suck. So I decided to fake back spasms to get out of taking this geometry test. So I go to the school nurse. I pretend I'm in pain.

I pretend I have back pain. And she calls my parents. My parents come and pick me up at school. However, instead of taking me home, which I thought they were going to do, my parents drove me to the hospital. And I underwent four hours of MRIs and tests, all for fake back spasms that were totally invented. And once you lie, you got to commit to the bit, right? So I just went with it. And at the end of all these tests, the doctor said to my mom and my dad and me in this room, I'm sorry to tell you, your son Connell has scoliosis. And so he diagnosed me with a false back problem that I didn't even have, all because I was trying to get out of a geometry test. So I've told that story many times. And why does

that story work well with women? It's because it's vulnerable. I'm talking about what a dumbass I was in grade school. It's also vulnerable to talk about being bad at something, bad at math, bad at geometry. To this day, I could not do a geometry proof to save my life. So that's one of my stories I love to tell. I also talk briefly on a date, or I have, about my failed marriage. I was married for nine weeks. I was married for nine weeks. And yeah, just nine weeks. That was a really short marriage. My marriage was over so fast, we fought for custody of the wedding cake. That's fast. So I've told that story on some dates. Again, I'm not doing it from a place of negativity. I'm talking about it through the lens of,

I've learned, I've grown. I've told dates that I owe it to my ex-wife because she was the one who ended it, thank God. She had the courage, the bravery to end our nine-week mistaken marriage. Basically, she settled for me, I settled for her. Neither of us wanted to be married. So I talk about this on a date. And when I do this with women on dates or when I have done this in the past, women are just blown away by how real and honest I am. So look into your past for personal stories. And if you're going to be vulnerable, if you're going to talk about something difficult or just embarrassing that happened to you, think about it through the lens of tell the story,

but then share the lesson you learned or share how you've grown since then. Or maybe just laughing about it is enough to give her a great experience. One last point about telling personal stories on dates. It's just so powerful because we're all just wired to love stories. We love a good movie, a good story, a good narrative. So you can tell a one, two, five minute story about your life. And that's going to have her on the edge of her seat, wanting to know more. You'll be sharing about you. It's genuine.

It's real. It's authentic. And then because you're going first, she can then open up to you about her stories, about what happened to her in her life. I remember on my first date with Jess, I told her about, I forget what I mentioned first. I think it might've been something about a car accident I was in. And then she's told me this really powerful story about the car accident that she got into with her brother. Luckily, nobody was hurt, but it was one of those scary life moments of two people just opening up and being real with each other. So even though we bantered and flirted and joked a lot, we also dropped that guard and

got really real on that first date. And that helped us to connect. OK, so let's go to actually let's take a really quick break. We'll be right back. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you. And sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate

there, But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com,

book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Okay, and we're back. Let's continue. First date move number three. Give her a sexy compliment and use the word sexy. Here's why this works. It's a date. You're allowed to let a woman know that she's sexy. You're a man. She's a woman. She's there on a date with you. It'd be weird not to tell a woman she's sexy, assuming it's true and assuming you mean it. And a lot of guys I talk to, a lot of the men who come to me to work with me, they have never made any kind of move on a first date. They've never said to a woman, you're sexy, you're interesting, you're cool. They just think that's somehow weird and ungentlemanly. I beg to differ. Women are on a

first date with you because they want to romantically connect with you, hopefully, but they also just want to feel sexy. Who doesn't? We all want to feel sexy. So I want you to give women a sexy compliment. Here's how to do it. Don't make the sexy compliment about their looks or something purely physical. Make it a trait. Make it something about her that you notice and that you, it could be the tiniest thing, her laugh. It could be the way she walks. It could be the really cute way she bites her lower lip when she's thinking about something. You could say, hey, you know what's really sexy about you? You do the cutest thing.

When you think about something, you look up to the left and you bite your lower lip. It's really cute. Anyway, what were you saying? And then you just go on with the conversation. So by playing this sexy compliment card, you're basically saying, look, here's how you're making me feel as a man. And you're a woman. Here's how you're making me feel. That is going to keep you out of the friend zone. There's not a quick fix for getting out of the friend zone, but this is as quick a fix as I have. Give her a sexy compliment.

And by the way, when you tell a woman something about her as sexy, that's not just about her physical appearance, her intelligence, her wit. On my first date with Jess, I remember telling her how sexy I found her intelligence, her wit. It blew me away. I even said to her, look, I'm usually the funny, witty one on a date. I'm just trying to keep up with you.

It's really sexy. And she later told me how she just loved hearing that. She loved hearing that I could see that inner beauty. So when you compliment a woman about finding something sexy about her, look, it would be creepy if you made it about her ass, if you made it about visualizing the two of you in bed. That could be creepy set at the wrong time at the wrong moment.

However, letting a woman know her wit, her intelligence, her sense of humor, her adventurousness, knowing a trait about her is sexy to you, man, they love that. A woman loves that. And of course, as always, make it genuine. Make it authentic and real. Don't just say this. Don't just force a sexy compliment because dating ginger guru, Conal Barrett said so on his podcast. Do it because you mean it. Do it because it's real. Do it because you feel it. Women it because it's real. Do it because you feel it. Women love a genuine, real man who's just saying he's open, he's true, he's honest. So give her that sexy compliment and know that when you do, you are going right into that top 1% of men because every guy might find her beautiful or sexy or physically attractive. You're that top 1% guy

who finds her, the person, the woman inside sexy. So give her a sexy compliment and make it about a trait, not just about her physical appearance. Here's a quick story of me doing this on a date, and it saved the date. I was about to get stuck in the friend zone. I could just tell. This was years ago. I had a first date with a woman named Rebecca from Bumble. And I was playing it safe. I wasn't taking my own advice. And I just wasn't putting that sexy card on the table. And she gets up, walks to the ladies' room.

As she walks to the ladies' room, I notice to myself, I say to myself, wow, she has the sexiest walk I have seen in ages. And I remember saying to myself, hold on to that Connell, tell her that when she gets back. So she comes back, she sits next to me and I, I lean over to her and I say, Hey, I got to tell you something. I could not take my eyes off you when you walked to the ladies' room. You have the sexiest walk I've seen since Obama was president. And she blushed. And for the first time the entire date, she touched me. She leaned into me.

She put her hand on my chest. And she said, oh, well, I did some modeling in my 20s. I know how to walk the way that men like. And I said, yeah, you sure do. So I was just really just telling a genuine truth. And notice I didn't make it about her body, although I could see her body. I made it about the way she walked. So that's more of a behavior and a trait than something just about her body. And in that moment, we were like all over each other from at

that point on. At that point, we hadn't kissed yet. Nothing had really happened romantically. As soon as I gave her that sexy compliment, it totally changed the romantic atmosphere of the date. Okay. First date move number four is find emotional commonalities. Find emotional commonalities even if you can't find surface level commonalities. What I mean is you may or may not have things in common with her. Maybe you went to the same college, maybe you don't. Maybe you didn't. Maybe you like the same TV shows, maybe you don't. Not everyone has stuff in common, but everybody has feelings in common. So don't worry as much about, oh, I love that book too, or I love that TV show too. That's good, but focus more on emotional commonalities rather

than purely surface-level commonalities. For example, here's another first date story from my past. I had a first date once with a woman named Jennifer. Jennifer was a painter, an actual artist. And we didn't have a lot in common. she's younger than me. She doesn't like the Beatles. She doesn't know my frame of reference. We didn't have any surface level things in common, but what we have in common was a love of art and a creative side. So with Jennifer, I couldn't talk about Beatles music

or the same TV shows because we don't have those things in common. But here's what I remember connecting about. I asked her this question. I said, what do you love to do more than anything in the world? And she said, oh, I love to paint. And I said, oh, why do you love to paint? What's the deeper feeling that painting gives you?

And she thought about it. And she said, well, it makes me feel, gosh, so connected to my creative side. I just feel alive and time stops. And an hour feels like a minute. It goes so fast. And then I looked into my mind and my heart and I thought, okay, what's something that makes me feel the same way? I don't paint, by the way. I can't connect with Jennifer about painting. But you know what makes me feel alive and creative and makes me feel like time stops? When I'm writing. When I'm writing

something creative. So I said, oh, I feel the same way when I'm writing something. Like when I was writing my book, I basically felt really creative. When I'm writing something and I'm writing something, like when I was writing my book, I basically felt really creative. When I'm writing something, I'm a journalist. When I'm writing a really good story, that helps me to connect. I'm sorry, that helps me feel like time stops. So I remember saying to her, no way, I feel the same way when I'm writing something that you feel when you're painting. And we connected about that. On my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess, we didn't have that much in common in terms of liking the same music, liking all the same shows and movies. We didn't really have that in common,

but we found emotional commonalities. We both feel the same way about things. We both hate hiking. We both hate math. We both love dogs and love, well, she loves cats. We both hate hiking. We both hate math. We both love dogs and love, well, she loves cats. We both love cats and dogs. So we just basically found out we feel the same way about certain things. So don't worry too much about finding stuff in common. That's just informational commonalities. That's not nearly as powerful as emotional commonalities. And the way to connect with any woman emotionally is, here, I'll give you the exact questions

to ask. Ask her, what do you love to do more than anything else? What lights you up? And she'll tell you whatever that thing is. Let's say it's travel. She loves to travel. And then you ask her, why? Why does that light you up so much? How does it make you feel? And she'll tell you the specific reason, the

emotional benefit she gets from traveling. And she might say, well, when I travel, I feel like I'm discovering a whole new world. And I meet new people. And I feel like I'm entering a whole new world and I meet new people and I feel like I'm entering a new world and then you go into your own experience and ask yourself because you might not have traveled to the same places that she travels or you might not feel the same way about traveling but ask yourself okay what experience in my life brings me into whole other worlds. And you could have a different answer for that. You might say, I feel the same way. I don't travel as much as you, but when I'm at a museum and I'm looking at a work of art, I feel like I'm entering the mindset of that painter. Or when I'm reading a great novel, I feel like I'm sucked into the world that Philip Roth has created.

And I'm in that world. I feel the same way as you feel when you're traveling. So this allows you to emotionally connect with any woman, even if you don't have surface level things in common with her. So don't worry so much about content, liking the same things, although that's a nice bonus if you do. Look for those emotional commonalities. Okay, first date move number five, be physically expressive and touch her the right way. The right way. Look, I'm not the first coach who's ever said to you, break the physical touch

barrier. That's out there. It's been out there for a million years. However, there's a right way to touch a woman. Here's the right way. It's really simple. This is going to change things for you in terms of feeling more comfortable being physically expressive. Every time you touch her physically on a date, especially early on, just make sure that that touch has a reason. If you physically express yourself and you touch her in a way that is supported by a reason that makes sense to her, it's normal. It's good. It's fine. She might love it. It's touching without any reason that feels weird and creepy to women. I hate when guys just blindly touch women without having a reason to. So here's what I mean by that.

If you're going to touch her, have a specific reason, such as I was on a date once with a personal trainer. She's a professional personal trainer. And so I said, oh, wow, you're a trainer, right? And I said, make a muscle for me. She made a muscle with her bicep. And I touched her bicep. Like, whoa, my gosh, make a muscle for me. She made a muscle with her bicep and I touched her bicep like, whoa, my gosh, you got some real muscles. You would totally kick my butt.

Or a reason to touch a woman might be you have a secret to tell her. So you say, hey, come here, I got to tell you a secret. And you put your arm over her shoulder as you pull her close to tell her that secret. That's having a reason to touch her. Or let's say early on in the date, you're just trying to first break that touch barrier for the first time. Let's find out you have some kind of emotional commonality. You both feel the same way about something. You find out she loves a certain TV show that you love, or you feel the same way about something. And you're like, oh, no way. You like like XYZ show? And you give her a high five. Or here's an old school classic. Let's say you notice her jewelry. She's got a cool ring or a cool bracelet. You take her hand

and you inspect her jewelry. Oh, hey, tell me the story behind this jade bracelet. What's this about? And because you have a reason for that touch, it makes sense to her. It's not awkward. It's not weird. Probably. It's probably pretty normal and pretty confident. Here's the creepy way to do it, which you should not do, is you just put your hand on

her thigh without any reason, without any sense of why you're doing it. You're just doing it because you think you should quote, break the touch barrier. That's creepy. Or I've seen guys do this out at like bars and stuff. When they just approach a woman, they're five minutes into the conversation and he just puts his hand on her lower back.

But, but it doesn't have the rapport. It doesn't have the connection yet with her to get that permission. And I can just see women like feeling creeped out. So bottom line is all you've got to do is have a reason for that physical touch. Back to that story about Rebecca, the story where I said her walk was really sexy. When I said that to her, I didn't just say the sexy sentence, the sexy compliment. I actually said, come here, I got to tell you something. And I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to me.

So I had a reason for that touch. The reason was I had to tell her this little secret, this little confession. And that's also why that date went from almost friend zone to sparks flying. So if you're going to touch a woman, it's always good. Now, of course, you want to read the room. You want to notice how she likes your physical touch. If she's not liking it, if she pulls back, you should pull back too. Be genuinely empathetic. Notice how a woman's feeling to the best of your ability. But if she's liking it, if she touches you back,

if she's touching and feely just like you are, now you're in a great place and you're expressing yourself. And really all physical touch is, it's an expression, I'm sorry, it's an extension of your authentic expression. So let it be an extension of your authentic expression. So let it be an extension of your authentic expression and have a reason to break that touch barrier. All right, let's take one more really quick break. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad.

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Okay, we're back. Let's do first date move number six. The next move is find out what makes her special or interesting and reflect it back toward her. Find out what makes her interesting and reflect it back toward her. One of the better tips I got from one of my old coaches back in the day, he said, Connell, stop trying to do game and just find out what makes a woman interesting to you.

Find out what makes her fascinating was his advice. I thought that was a really good piece of advice from a coach who gave me a lot of bad advice. So I'm not going to say his name, but I did like that piece of advice. He said, find out what makes her fascinating. And that's a great mission to give yourself on a date. Find out what makes her interesting, what makes her fascinating, and reflect that back toward her. So whatever it might

be, it could be that she's fascinating to you, she's interesting to you because she is big-hearted, she's generous. I had a date way back in the day with a woman who is a nurse and she has a whole family of nurses. And I found that fascinating because I come from a family of nurses. My mom's a nurse. My mom was a nurse. My mom passed away, but my mom was a nurse. My, my two of my nieces are nurses. My, my aunt is a nurse. So I said, I found out why she got into nursing and she had a really interesting reason. And I reflected that back. And I said to her, you know, what's really interesting about you? It's how you've turned these challenges that you've seen health challenges. You've seen people in your family face. You've turned them into a whole career. I think that's really great. I think that's really special. So I reflected back toward her, my genuine feelings of being impressed and

impressed by her. And again, just keeping it really real, keeping it really genuine. So first date move number six, this helps with that emotional connection, is reflect back things about her that you find interesting or fascinating. Okay. And let's do first date move number seven. Yes. How to go for the first kiss, go for the first kiss the right way. If you don't go for first kisses on first dates, then you're very likely losing out on some pretty wonderful women. And here are three. I'm going to give you three ways to go for that first kiss. Okay? Three simple little techniques. The first technique is called the close your eyes

first kiss move. You simply look at the woman, middle or probably later on toward the end, near the end of a first date, and you say, close your eyes. Why do you say close your eyes? Because by telling her close your eyes, you're basically saying in code, I'm going to kiss you now. And if she closes her eyes, she's saying, you can kiss me, me and then you will and it'll be great if she doesn't close her eyes if she's like oh no i can't i'm not gonna no not here i don't kiss in the first date or i'm shy that's totally fine you've gotten an answer and you don't go the for the first kiss so the close your eyes move allows you to basically test if she's ready and looking for you to kiss her now. If she closes her eyes, she's saying, kiss me, you fool. If she doesn't,

she's saying, not yet. And you get to hold off on going for the first kiss and you don't have to worry about getting the cheek. Here's another first kiss move. I call this the you know what happens first kiss move. Here's how you do it. This is a good way to make the first kiss feel really smooth to her. So you're on a first date. You're talking about whatever the topic is, and you're thinking, oh gosh, how do I kiss her? How do I bridge that space? Here's what you do. You're talking about whatever the topic is, and you want to grab something she says and then use the you know what happens move. So for example, let's say she's talking about skiing.

She's a big skier. She loves to ski, but she broke her leg. She's talking about breaking her leg when she was, I don't know, in college. And then you say to her, well, you know what happens to women who hurt themselves skiing, right? She'll say what? And you say, they get kissed. And you move in as you're saying, they get kissed. Make sense? Another example might be, again, you literally just grab any detail that she is sharing with you. If she talks about her, I don't know, she has two dogs and a cat, and she's got this crazy, all these crazy funny pet stories, you could say, well, you know what happens to girls who have dogs and cats, don't you?

She'll say, what? And then as you move in, you say, they get kissed. So this you know what happens little line creates a bridge to transition from the topic that you're discussing to the fact that you're about to kiss her. And a lot of my clients love this because it just feels really smooth to them. And that way you don't have to feel like you're just randomly going for a kiss out of nowhere. You're giving her a heads up that this is going to happen. And it just comes off as really smooth. Okay, here's first kiss move number three. This is very simple. You just look at her and say, I want to kiss you.

You say it with a smile, sly little smile. And did you hear my voice? Let me say it again. Here's how you want to sound. You want to sound a little bit turned on, but not like, you know, super vulgar. Basically, hey, I want to kiss you. Can you hear the little smile in my voice? I don't know if you're watching this video, but you can hear the smile in my voice. Hey, I want to kiss you. Two of the sexiest words to women is a man who says, I want. Here's what I want. I want to go on a date with you. I want us to go to another bar. I want to kiss you. And the nice thing about saying I want is, again, you're giving her a heads up of what you want. You're giving her total agency to say yes or no, which is beautiful. Consent is sexy. I'm a big

fan of consent. However, I'm not a big fan of asking a woman permission to kiss her. Dear m'lady, might I have your permission to please place my lips upon yours? No, don't do that. Unless you're a time traveler from the 19th century here to find love in 21st century America, don't do that. I'm not a fan of, may I kiss you? It just comes off as low and confident and timid. That's a turnoff. However, you can say, hey, I want to kiss you. And if she's up for it and ready, she'll say, what are you waiting for? Or she'll give you a green light visually somehow with her eyes. And if she's not ready,

if she pushes back and says, oh, well, I'm pretty shy. I don't like to kiss in public. Great. She'll appreciate the fact that you didn't thrust a kiss upon her. She didn't want. So it's really a win-win. Notice what all three of these first kiss moves have in common. They're all giving her a heads up information that you're about to kiss her or that you want to. And that gives her agency. It shows empathy. It shows that you're trying to notice how she's feeling and behave accordingly. But also each of these moves is a move. And you're putting out there what you want, what you're going for. Bottom line is dating is a dance. And your job as the man is to lead that dance, is dating is a dance and your job as the man is

to lead that dance, to make some moves. And her job as the woman is to say, yes, I'll dance with you or no thank you. Either way, it's fine. All that matters is you got to be a man who makes some moves. Okay, here's the bonus tip. I love this one. We're going to play a little game or I'm going to teach you a really fun first date game. This game is called Five Questions. I'm going to play this with you almost like I'm doing it on a date. You're going to want to listen back to this because it does take the right syntax and verbiage, so you might want to listen back to it. But this is a really great first date game to play because one of our

objectives on a first date is make it fun. How do you make this date fun for her and for you? And if you can make a date fun, there's a really good chance she's going to want to see you again and you're going to get a second date because girls just want to have fun, as Cyndi Lauper sang. So one of my favorite ways to have fun and inject playfulness into a date is by playing this game. It's called Five Questions, and it's basically a bar bet. It's just a bar bet where you could even play for a drink. That's a good way to frame it, where you might get a free drink at the end of this little game. But more importantly, it's a great, fun game to play. So here's how it works. I'm going to frame it where you might get a free drink at the end of this little game. But more importantly, it's a great fun game to play. So here's how it works. I'm going to do it with you right now. Almost like I'm doing the game live. Here we go. So you're on the date.

You're, I don't know, 15, 20, 30 minutes in. You've said you're, hey, nice to meet you. You've had a little small talk and now you're kind of like into the date. Basically, you go like this. You say, hey, I have an idea. Let's play a game. Are you up for it? She'll say yes. You say it's called five questions. Here's how the game works. I'm going to ask you five questions. And for you to win the game, all you have to do is get all five questions wrong. And then you say to her, if you get any questions right, you lose. So right now you've already piqued her interest because it's like, wait, I have to get all five questions wrong? So you basically say, yeah, you just got to get them wrong. And if you get any question right, you're going to lose.

And I'm not going to ask you a trick question that has no answer to. And I'm not going to ask you like a trick question that has no answer to it. Like I'm not going to ask you what's the meaning of life. It's going to be a very, it's going to be a basic question. Like what is one plus one, something like that. So that's how you frame it. And you basically say, shall we, shall we start? And she'll say yes. Oh, and then you'll, you also want to say and tell you what. Remember, all you got to do is get all five questions wrong. But if you get any question right, I win. And let's say a loser buys the next drink. So now there are some stakes tied to this. And she's going to say, OK, great, let's do it. So now there's stakes involved. It's a competition, but a friendly one. And so basically,

here's how the game works. Now, what you're going to be doing is you're going to be asking her three straight questions, and they're going to be incredibly simple and easy to answer. And you're going to make them up in the moment. And then I'll take it from there because the fourth question is a trick question. So the first three questions you just come up with, you come up with the most basic questions. So for example, I might say, okay, here we go, Jennifer. Let's say I'm on a date with Jennifer. Here we go.

Question number one, what is the name of this bar? We're at some bar and all she has to do is come up with a fake name and she'll come up with some fake name. And I'll say, hey, good job. So far, so good. One for one, you got it wrong. And then I'll say, next question. And I'm going to be asking her questions with a certain tone of voice, almost like kind of like game show mode like okay here is your next question and let's say she and i met on i don't know bumble and then my next question will be okay next one uh what dating app did you and i meet on and she'll say the wrong app because that's how she's going to try to win

the game so she might say one girl said grinder to me, which is really funny. And feel free to laugh. Feel free to have a blast with her silly wrong answers, because that's part of the pleasure of the game is you two are having fun. So question number two, I say to her, oh, what app did we meet on? She'll say something absurd like grinder. I'll say that's, that is incorrect. Good job. So far, so good. Then I'll do it one more time with a third one. I might say, it's literally anything, just something really simple. What is my first name? It could be that basic.

You want to make these first three questions mind-numbingly simple. And she'll make up a silly name. Your name is Ryan Gosling. That's obviously incorrect. Okay, here's the moment of truth now. So I have now asked her three questions, and she's gotten them all wrong. Here's the trick question. Next, I say to her, oh, wait, I've lost count.

How many questions was that? And then she is going to tell me that it was three questions. And I'm going to say, you lose. Because what I just did is my how many questions was that question was my fourth question. And she's going to answer it correctly. So she's going to try to help me by answering correctly. And I'm going to answer it correctly. So she's going to try to help me by answering correctly. And I'm going to say, you lose. So again, first three questions, really mind-numbingly simple. And then it's time for the fourth question, the trick question. So I'm going to change my vocal tonality a little bit. And instead of asking it the way I was asking it before, like, no, okay, what is my name?

I'm going to change my tone a little bit, and I'm going to say, wait, how many was that? How many questions was that? As if I'm genuinely asking for her help. That's the thing that sells it. You want to sell it as you're genuinely asking her for help. She'll say, oh, that was three questions, and then I say, you lose.

I'll take a double scotch on the rocks, please. You lose. And then I say, you lose. I'll take a double scotch on the rocks, please. You lose. And then I'll tease her. Oh my God, you were so easy. That was so easy. I can't believe you fell for that. So that's basically how five questions works. There's a more advanced version where you could mess around with her on a fifth final question, but this is enough for today's episode. So again, play five questions. First three questions are very basic, clear answers that she needs to get wrong. And then give her that trick question for the fourth one. Don't say question number four. Okay. Just say, wait, how many was that so far? She'll tell you the right answer. And then you say, you lose. I'll take a drink, please.

And it's a great way to tease and flirt at the same time. Many times on dates, I've said things like, oh, how could you be so cute and so bad at games like this? By the way, I like really expensive drinks. So I hope you brought your credit card. It's a great way to create some fun, flirty kind of friction because you're busting her chops a little bit, but in the best possible way. So give this a try. You know what you could do? Practice the five questions game with people in your life. Before you try it on a date, try it with your friends.

Try it at a bar. It's a great bar bet. When I first learned this game, I did it to my nephews and nieces. I tried it out on my family members. And it's really fun. And it's a great first date game to play. Okay, so what did we learn today? We learned that there are seven moves that I have learned in my thousand first dates that are going to help you get out of that friend zone. I'm not going to go through all seven, but I'm going to say you've learned the power

of telling a woman she's sexy on a first date and telling her a reason why she's sexy. You've learned that it's your job as a man to make moves. Dating is a dance and you got to lead that dance. And you also learned that the friend zone is not something that a woman puts you in. The friend zone is something that men do to themselves, just like I did it to myself by not making moves, by not putting that sexy card on the table, by not physically touching the right way, by not going for the first kiss. Every time I got put in the friend zone,

it was myself. I put myself there. The woman didn't. I put myself there. She just called it out. So remember, women don't put you in the friend zone. You do it to yourself. But now you have seven keys,

actually eight keys to get out. So go try these out. Okay. If you like this episode, please leave me a review. Reviews really help me. It helps my Apple rankings. It helps people just spread the word. So please leave a review or share this episode with somebody you know who needs a boost of

dating confidence because, hey, a lot of guys out there need some help. And remember, your dream girlfriend, she is out there. She's going to love you. But she has to meet the real, authentic you. So go take authentic action. Carpe datum. Seize the date. Till next time.