How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 12 Tips on Dating as an Introverted Man, with Anthony Recenello

Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh, I love introverts. I'm a card-carrying introvert myself. I have iHeart introverts as my lower back tramp stamp. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right, welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I help guys attract women by being authentic, learn to flirt, and get great girlfriends. No creepy pickup

Starting point is 00:00:33 artistry allowed. And this is a fantastic stacked episode. In a little bit, you're going to hear from Anthony Racinello, who is an expert in helping introverted men create amazing emotional connections with women. And he and I are going to go deep. We have so many great tips about how to keep conversations going, how to flirt, what women want, what they don't want. And yeah, it's a fantastic chat. Anthony is the man he used to coach me so it's kind of like uh jedi master luke skywalker uh interviewing yoda except anthony is slightly taller than yoda not much just a couple inches anyway so we'll get to anthony in just a minute uh first i want to give you a brand new thing i just came up with over the last

Starting point is 00:01:26 few weeks thinking about it. And I just came up with it before I hit record, which is how to be charismatic to women and people in general, but how to be charismatic. Anthony and I have a really interesting part of the conversation where we talk about how charisma is not required. Women are walking through the world saying, I must date a man with a lot of charisma. It's a nice bonus for a lot of women, but it's really just not required. And that got me thinking about, okay, it might not be a requirement, but you probably want to be charismatic to as many people as reasonably possible. And certainly you want to be charismatic if possible.

Starting point is 00:02:10 You'd love to be charismatic when you approach a woman or on that first date. And that got me thinking, what is the formula for charisma? What's the formula? So I'm going to give you my charisma formula. And then I'm going to do a whole episode about this in the near future. But here's just a three-minute teaser. Here's the, well, before I give you the formula, let me back up one second and say, so here's what charisma isn't or doesn't need to be. Charisma doesn't have to be some one size fits all idea of a guy who's big,

Starting point is 00:02:49 loud, brash, life of the party, you know, lampshade on his head. I suppose that's one kind of charisma. Although that guy sounds absolutely tedious to be around but I had a client call a couple weeks back so I have a new client and we were talking and I said what is the biggest thing that you don't have that you want he said oh I want to be charismatic to women I'm a nice guy I'm an introvert his name His name is Barry, by the way. And Barry said, I just want to be charismatic. And I said, OK, out of curiosity, how do you define charisma? He said, well, to me, charisma is being like Tony Robbins, big, loud, commanding, loud voice and standing in front of 5000 people. And he said, that's for me, that's the bar.

Starting point is 00:03:46 And now you don't know Barry, but that's not Barry. Barry is not Tony Robbins. Barry might be Tony Randall. He might be a totally different Tony the Tiger, maybe. He's Tony the Tiger. He's a pussycat, but he's not like Tony Robbins. And I said, Barry, dude, you're creating this unreachable bar. You're not going to be Tony Robbins because that's him. And that got me thinking, hey, wait a minute. How can Barry be his charismatic, his brand of charisma? And that was the aha moment I had as I realized, oh, you know what? There's lots of different brands of charisma. There's different kinds of charisma, right? There's the big, oh, you know what? There's lots of different brands of charisma. There's different kinds of charisma, right?

Starting point is 00:04:30 There's the big, loud, brash Tony Robbins. There's like a cooler, more searing coal. Instead of burning brush fire, there's like a searing coal charisma. Think young Al Pacino, especially in The Godfather 2, where he's just like ice, right? Quiet, steely, very charismatic. So yeah, there's a whole range of charismas.

Starting point is 00:04:58 And then that got me thinking, let's come up with a charisma formula. And here it is. So here's the formula for charisma. By the way, this is optional. You don't need to be charismatic, but it's a nice bonus to be able to say, hey, I'm going to be charismatic. Here it is. So here's the formula for charisma. By the way, this is optional. You don't need to be charismatic, but it's a nice bonus to be able to say, hey, I'm going to be charismatic. Here it is. Here's my formula for charisma. Essentially, it's this.

Starting point is 00:05:13 It is authentic expression plus presence plus enthusiasm equals charisma to your type of woman. So I'll say that again. So it's authentic expression. So AE, I'm going to do like a equals MC squared type thing. So it's AE plus P plus E equals charismatic to your date, charismatic to the woman who likes your type. So again, authentic expression plus presence plus enthusiasm. That's charisma. And what's great about this is everybody can do this. You have your authentic lens on the world. That's the first and most important part.

Starting point is 00:06:01 Your authentic expression. Your personality. The real, vulnerable, honest, truthful you, and expressing that fully on a date or talking to a woman, plus being present. You've got to listen to her. You've got to be actively listening. If you really want to give a woman total attention and focus, people love that. Women and people in general, even though we're talking dating here, giving them your presence, they love that. That makes you feel, that makes them feel so important to you, which makes you seem charismatic to them. And then enthusiasm. Enthusiasm.

Starting point is 00:06:40 This was, this is an ad. I just added this to the formula because i realized something was missing missing authentic expression plus presence wasn't quite enough and i thought what else is missing here enthusiasm having some energy interest uh yeah enthusiasm i mean think about it what what is charisma at its essence other than really at its core? It's arousing in other people their enthusiasm for you. You're arousing their enthusiasm for you. And of course, we can't arouse somebody's enthusiasm for us without bringing some of that enthusiasm to the conversation. Because emotions are contagious. Your enthusiasm will arouse their enthusiasm. So I'll leave it there for now.

Starting point is 00:07:35 Think about this charisma formula and ask yourself, oh, wait, you know what? There are times in my life where I've been really authentically talking, laughing, expressing with myself, with people, being really present in the moment with them, and also enthusiastic about whatever it was. And I'll bet you have been charismatic at times, but maybe you just didn't know how to flip the switch. This is the switch you can flip, the charisma formula. And I know I'm not a naturally extroverted guy. In fact, I should say I'm not a naturally charismatic guy. I'm a natural introvert. And I had to learn all these

Starting point is 00:08:19 things from people like Anthony. And I had to learn how to express myself. And it turns out a lot of women out there, a lot of women found me very charismatic. And I'm not Tony Robbins. I'm not young Michael Corleone. I'm not a rock star. I'm just a nerdy ginger with glasses who looks like he could be singing lead for a Weezer cover band. So anyway, if I can be charismatic as an introvert, so can you. Okay, we'll be right back. And we're going to talk to Anthony about how you can have a great dating life. Not just even if you're introverted, but because you're introverted, how this is a strength, not a weakness.

Starting point is 00:09:03 Stick around. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? you're introverted, how this is a to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more

Starting point is 00:09:52 confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can.

Starting point is 00:10:34 Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. All right. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation podcast. And I am super stoked to have a very special guest. His name is Anthony Resinello. Anthony is a veteran dating expert for men. He has helped thousands.

Starting point is 00:10:54 For men and women and non-binary people. Everyone. Everyone. Thank you for correcting me. That's what happens when I don't approve the bio before I start a podcast. No worries. He is a dating expert for everyone. And I know that one of his specialties is introverted guys.

Starting point is 00:11:10 Yes? Oh, yeah. Cool, because that's largely who's listening. And Anthony is all about helping people, including men, make real, true emotional connections. And on a personal note, Anthony is my Yoda, my Obi-Wan. Anthony is the first and who knows, maybe the last coach I've ever talked to on my podcast who actually worked with me. We worked together for several years and we'll talk all about that, I'm sure. And Anthony was also featured in a kick-ass, amazing New York Times story, It came out years ago. So Google Anthony Resinello and New York Times. You can read that. And finally, go to resinello.com forward slash free class for a class that's all about the

Starting point is 00:11:57 introvert's map to finding low-key dating hotspots. So that's resinello.com forward slash free class, spelled R-E-C-E-N-E-L-L-O. And he's on Instagram at Anthony Resinello. Okay. Anthony, thanks so much for being here, man. What's up? How you doing, buddy? I'm great. I'm great. So you're

Starting point is 00:12:20 coaching men and women and all the different identities. Yeah? Yes. Everybody. Yeah. Yes. Everybody. Yeah. Cool. It's been many a year since we've really chatted. Tell me about what's been happening in your coaching over the last few years. What's your, what's your main mission now?

Starting point is 00:12:35 Who are you helping? Damn. Damn. Thank you for asking. Um, yeah, it's, it's crazy because I, I, I always have had such a wide interest in all of relationship skills. And so in the past few years, I've, I have put out a bunch of stuff just because it's so exciting to me, all of um relationship building stuff um like i put out a book that is focused on you know how to be happy uh confident and attractive and you know i worked

Starting point is 00:13:19 for most of last year on that book then i have a a, I put out a course on online dating. That's like six hours long, just breaking down online dating down to the littlest thing. And then I put out a course on conversation, which is like six hours long. And it's literally every little freaking step of the way on how a conversation works and blah, blah, blah, how you what all that shit. And now I'm releasing a big group coaching course. Actually, enrollment is open coincidentally, right the fuck now. And enrollment enrollment closes at the end of May, May 31. And it's a group coach. It's a group coaching program, uh, on the internet called dating for introverts. And, uh, yeah, this program is called dating for introverts is a group coaching program. Every it's five weeks long every week. Um, I teach a class of introverts on zoom.

Starting point is 00:14:20 Uh, they have homework, they have an accountability partner partner they have to fulfill that homework they have to go on the community discord every week and write down their homework so everyone could see so they keep accountable that way and also like i said i assign another student to them as an accountability partner so they can keep each other accountable i encourage each other throughout the way um and it's a really exciting program that I'm, I'm so, so pumped to put it out. And, um, just to finish my little, what I've been up to. Um, if anybody wants a slice, just a little baby slice of that dating for introverts five week program, I have a free class that Connell plugged, which is, you know, Bressanello.com slash free class.

Starting point is 00:15:08 If anybody wants to just like check out the program, like a very small slice of it for free. So that's that. That's that, sir. Let's talk about introverts because that's what your course is about. And that's what a lot of your teaching is about. I'm an introvert. I'm a card-carrying introvert. And I was going to ask you, are you an introvert? And before you became a dating coach,

Starting point is 00:15:33 maybe even before you even got good at dating, what was it like being a dater as an introvert? And did that ever hold you back, back in the day? Talk about dating as an introvert, please. Yeah. Okay. So as an introvert, I believe going to bars, using online dating, going to clubs, meeting women in public on the street, it's all just like inefficient for introverts. I spent most of my early life doing all that, spinning my tires, feeling a ton of anxiety, and really pushing myself. And

Starting point is 00:16:20 you know, it's funny. And in like that free class, I was just I'm talking about it just because I just finished putting it together last week. And I included like a bunch of photos in my early 20s when I was just going out. Literally, I went out to the bar one year. I went out 300. And I know, Connell, you've done shit like this, too. We were fucking nut. We were nut jobs back like 10 years.

Starting point is 00:16:41 We're what you mean? We're white man. OK, are you going out 365 days a year actually per month 365 a month that's how i'm no yeah i know yeah we all had like when i was in my early 20s i went out 365 days a year even snow storms like fucking new year's day i went out i went out though like i just went out went out when i went i went out bar bar bar like just push myself push myself to approach crazy crazy shit that i would do with my friends just like challenging myself getting over this crippling

Starting point is 00:17:16 crippling anxiety and it helped i mean it it really made me extremely socially adept um and confident and all that shit but what i realized over the years is like for i'd say 90 of introverts it's just not necessary to do all of that like if you if you enjoy okay so basically like if you are passionate about just improving your social skills, just being really good socially, then that's great. But 90% of people, they just want to fucking date someone nice and hot. Like that's it. They don't want to have to go through all this shit. And so like, I realized over the years, introverts don't have to do that. It's like, actually, it's just a big stressor onto their lives. When there's a lot more efficient ways there, there came a time in my life where I went, holy shit, I'm going out so fucking much.

Starting point is 00:18:18 But after all of this, like data that I'm like, that I'm like gathering about my results and other people's results, I realized, wait a second, why is it like my most easy, quickest, best relationships with people didn't happen when I went out to bars, met girls on the street, went to on the street, went to nightclubs, went to bookstores. Actually, it was in like-minded groups, like-minded communities. And I realized, wait a second, most introverts are finding people through like-minded communities. I had my easiest, quickest, best relationships through like-minded communities. I felt the most confident and I had the most fun and I felt the most myself

Starting point is 00:19:15 in these like-minded communities where, listen, I like going to bars. I like going out, but that's not what I'm, that's not how I'm focusing on meeting people. If I, if I want to meet people, I'm going through a like-minded community, some sort of tribe as people sometimes call it. And for introverts, it's so much better also because it's much lower paced. Going to a bar is very fast paced. It's like meet the person, create this strong connection very quickly, get intimate with them very quickly, have sex with them very quickly, or do something with them very quickly. Where with introverts, it's like, listen, we're not like that most of the time.

Starting point is 00:20:02 Yes. When we're in our early- We like to slow our roll a little bit. Yes. that most of the time yes when we're in our early like to slow our roll a little bit yes in my early 20s yes just because the the the idea of having sex quickly was enticing because i never had sex before you know so it was like oh my god this is crazy i could just meet somebody and have sex with them or kiss them or something like that. So like that was very exciting. But once I like once once that whole like childish excitement went away, I realized like it's just so much more enjoyable to go to some sort of group that I'm friends with

Starting point is 00:20:40 and that I can connect with and that they have friends and they can introduce me to their friends. And so, you know, what's, what I started realizing is, um, it is so incredibly easy and fun and more beneficial to go into different communities, make slow investments with these people over time. And through that you're being naturally introduced. So no cold approaching, you're being naturally introduced to all of these curated prospects for you, because why? Everybody in these like-minded communities has similar qualities to you, similar values, interests to you. And so are their friends, their connections that they're going to be introducing you to. So, um, it's not about saying, Oh, don't socialize as much. You still want to be out. You still want to be constantly out there meeting people, but do it in a way that caters to your introverted, uh, personality and strengths, which is like, you know, getting to know people over time, making those very strong connections, connecting on like more

Starting point is 00:21:45 intellectual stuff rather than just on like, Oh, that's cool, bro. Which is like, that always made me sick as fuck. Like, I just, I just want to throw up every time I have like bro talk at a bar. And so, yeah, that's why, that's why I created dating for introverts, because I was like, all introverts are being commanded to date like extroverts, because that's because socializing was made for extroverts. It wasn't made for introverts. So it's like, I just want to give introverts this opportunity to go, oh, wait a second. Oh yeah. I'm, I don't like it because it wasn't made for me. It's not that I don't like it. Cause I'm not supposed to, or, or because I'm like, I'm having problems and I need to figure out how to like it. It's because it's just wasn't made for me. This was made for me. And so I just want to show introverts that option,

Starting point is 00:22:45 which is just such a more enjoyable and rewarding option. That's really well said. I love what you just said that introverts are being made to date like extroverts. And yeah, that speaks to me because as a natural introvert, I assumed when I first got into this 15 or so years ago, this meaning learning about women and dating, I just figured, oh, I have to go out there and do really extroverted things. I have to approach 100 women a night or 50 a week or whatever. And there is value in doing that for some men, but I'm a big believer in aligning your actions and eventually your dating results with who you are as a person so that you, okay, maybe, okay, approaching is great

Starting point is 00:23:32 for some guys, but other guys might be very uncomfortable doing it and just not good at it, or they just don't enjoy it. And, but if you, if that person, if this introverted John Doe gets introduced to a few like-minded people in an improv community or a cooking class or a language class or any other tribe, is that where you're headed with this? Or is that what we're talking about here? Literally. And I actually have a client that did exactly this. He actually started taking, I encouraged him to start taking improv classes because I thought that would be perfect for him.

Starting point is 00:24:09 He took improv classes. He loves improv. He got to improv like four or five and he loved it. But what he realized was he was like, I don't love improv people. And I was like, oh, I love improv people. But then he was like, you know what? I'm gonna try to take an acting class like a dramatic acting class and it just took off for him

Starting point is 00:24:30 So he took this acting class interesting. Okay, so he actually started making friends with Harry Connick jr. Harry Connick He made friends with Harry Connick jr. His daughter and like he was he was making all these great friends and then here's what happened he uh one of the acting uh students friends that he made was going to see a friend perform somewhere and invited him and he went and he watched that friend perform. And then afterwards he, they, they, they got like drinks with that friend who performed and long story short, now they're in a long-term relationship, serious, very serious relationship. Why? Well, it was like-minded community met a like-minded person that like-minded person, because he invested in that relationship, uh, introduced him to another like-minded person that he connected with, had chemistry with, and is now in a relationship with. Did he have to do a cold approach? Did he have to get through all of this crazy anxiety? No, he just made friends with people that he

Starting point is 00:25:43 naturally would make friends with and then that person introduced him to somebody so organically so naturally um because like listen if if we're gonna be real most people they're not trying to go out and fucking approach 50 girls a fucking day or week like it's like that is so like they're home playing video games or something. Like they're not changing their lifestyle that much, but if we could just get them being social in a way that feels really easy and fun and relaxed, well, that's a completely different story. Like that can, that is totally doable. And finding the right vehicle for that. In other words, the tribe, community yeah that

Starting point is 00:26:26 makes it so much easier because you have something you already everybody has something in common so i can speak about this from the improv point of view so you when you and i first began working together i had i was just beginning to get into doing taking classes. And I remember thinking, okay, sure, I can go out and drum up the courage to approach the hottie at the bar. And sometimes that went well, sometimes it didn't. It's a whole separate topic. But when I would start hanging out with my improv community, all of a sudden at the bar after the show where all the class went or after the class, we were all a group. We all have things in common, right? We talk about the show, improv.

Starting point is 00:27:10 We're all getting to know each other over the course of like a 13, 16-week course. And yeah, it's a slower, it's kind of a slower process. But I realized, wow. And I actually had a couple of relationships with some really wonderful women at this improv community. it happened so organically you know it's almost like i didn't even try to make it happen fuck yes and that's part of part of the the draw of taking this sort of uh what did you call it a not tribe but uh social like-minded like-minded community i like that yeah yeah uh yeah maybe talk about talk about well let's talk a little bit more about introverts because i feel like the typical introvert thinks when he's kind of being rough on himself thinks oh i'm not outgoing i'm not that alpha male i'm not mr

Starting point is 00:28:00 mr life of the party so i So I must, I have limitations. Women don't want to date me. And I feel like introverts have some amazing advantages and some edges that they don't even realize. What's your take on that? What are some advantages of dating as an introvert? Love that question. Or at least not disadvantages.

Starting point is 00:28:20 Thank you. Okay, so I wrote this book last year, called the God pill. And I'm actually going to change it to called just confidence for introverts. But anyway, it, it covers just three basic tenets to confidence, happiness, attractiveness that I believe and And, you know, I may have talked, I've probably talked to you about this a long time ago, but it, the three tenants are just presence, purpose, and health. If you master all three of those, yeah. If you, if you master all those three things, you don't even have to do anything in your life. Just literally be present, purposeful and healthy and you will be fine. Like, but, uh, obviously that's a loaded statement. Um, but when I talk about presence, um, to me, these are the words that solve the issue that, uh, X like the solve the divide between extroverts and introverts again, because when we see somebody walk into a room and they're so charismatic and they, they're just all over

Starting point is 00:29:36 the place, loud, you know, uh, performative, um, that can be seen as presence. If they are feeling present and in the moment, how they're acting could compel them, you know, I mean, I'm sorry, how present they feel could compel them to act that way, be charismatic and performative and big and loud. Now what happened is introverts because being charismatic is so simple and visual and obvious. We go, oh, he's acting like that. He's getting good results. That means that I have to act like that to get good results. But every time I look at something, I go, but wait a second. What if we go under? Why is he acting that way? Okay, well, maybe life and the moment and just feeling like, wow, I fucking love right now.

Starting point is 00:30:52 And I realized that could be expressed in different ways. And if we if we really simplify it, it could be expressed in a big, charismatic way. And it could be expressed in a very relaxed, focused way. People don't notice. I'm sorry. People notice more the fact that you're present over whether you're being high energy or low energy. Right. How you act high energy or low energy. Right. How you act high energy or low energy,

Starting point is 00:31:29 you know, like so much of like old, old, old dating advice, like pickup artist shit from like 20 years ago was so based in how you act. How I think today people teach stuff is, well, how do you feel and let that determine how you act, which is, you know, such what you're a big proponent of, which is authenticity. You know, when you're authentic, how you act is based off of your own authenticity in the moment. it's presence that's attractive because you see examples of very chilled out, relaxed people that are super attractive. And oftentimes these people can be more attractive in the room than the big flailing arm guy. Um, so it really just matters that you're present. And if an introvert really practices presence, which is not immediately

Starting point is 00:32:27 easy to do for an introvert, it's more easy to do for an extrovert, but we both have the same capacity to do it. It's just that introverts kind of need to get into, they kind of need to build, I'm going gonna just make up smart science words they need to like build the neural pathway in being present to make it more easier you just do that by practicing presence often as much as possible yeah oh finish your thought please oh i could just keep blabbing no no the neural pathway i No, the neural pathway. I love it. The neural pathway.

Starting point is 00:33:08 I love when you make up words. It's very cromulent when you do that to me. Oh yeah. No, I agree. Very cromulent. Like literally for me, I'm visualizing a little guy in my brain that has a pickaxe and he's picking at like this little hole in a cave and he's literally making the hole bigger, which is that neural pathway to presence. And that happens the more you enter presence, the easier it is to become present. Whereas extroverts, they're already present in

Starting point is 00:33:37 the moment. So that's very easy for them to do. Absolutely. And the great, here's the power of presence. I've never met a woman who didn't want the man she was talking to or the man she was on a date with who didn't want him to be present. Whether or not he's charismatic, some like it, some don't give a fuck.

Starting point is 00:34:01 Also, different women have different definitions of what they think charisma is. It's all very subjective, but I don't think there's any woman out there in the dating scene who doesn't want her potential crush to be present with her. Yeah. And that's so, so it's so universal. It's so universal.

Starting point is 00:34:20 In fact, I'm now remembering a moment when you were coaching me, we were hanging out in that little lounge club you remember at. Oh, Norwood. Yeah. Okay. Norwood. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:32 And I remember you were basically sharing a very similar lesson to me. And you said, and I'm obviously paraphrasing. It's been many years. But basically, we were looking at different people in the room. And you said, you know, being extroverted is not about putting a lampshade on your head. Or, you know, being really loud and brash and enthusiastic. Or being attractive or charismatic isn't about that. And then you said, if you get really dialed in with a woman, really present in other words,

Starting point is 00:35:02 then you can become very charismatic to her or just very magnetic to her because you're giving her that gift. It's like you're magnetizing her attention to you by giving her your present attention. And I still remember that moment because I remember thinking, thank you, Anthony, for giving me permission

Starting point is 00:35:19 to still be an introvert. To like not feel like I had to. Yeah, it was great. Thanks, man. I've passed that on to a couple other clients. Oh, I appreciate that. Taking full credit for it myself, of course. But no, I credit you whenever I can.

Starting point is 00:35:37 No, you can take it. Steal it, man. Steal like an artist or whatever they say. Yeah. And I've noticed with introverts that they can be really great at that one-on-one connection right because oh here's something else you said that night um you also or at least this is my memory of it maybe it's invented but i feel like you said something like you know a really a charismatic person or somebody who's trying to get attention from people, he's sort of talking at them, maybe spitting quote unquote game at them.

Starting point is 00:36:10 Just trying to like, here's a bunch of energy to show you how fucking cool I am. As opposed to being present and connecting with them and creating a true, that real emotional connection, which I know you talk about. And I feel like, gosh, I have a theory that introverts are maybe even better than quote unquote extroverts at that one-on-one connection because they're not talking at the other person. Ideally they're trying to get in that, that bubble of love and that present kind of echo chamber. Yeah. I'm sorry. I agree with you. I agree with you on that okay yeah i remember that that moment too struck me as oh wow i don't have to i don't have to dance on the the couch and put a lampshade on my head and be a big loud weirdo no no yeah um tell me about some clients of yours recently recent or or maybe far back who you you remember, you're just real proud of them,

Starting point is 00:37:06 like a real kick-ass success story or somebody who you saw yourself in. And then you saw him have that like just really great breakthrough. Any, any recent successes that you want to talk about? Cause I just hear that. Yeah. Well, I mean, the one that comes to mind is cause I just mentioned it, that one client that, um, you know, he just very simply followed that dating for introverts method and very easily met the love of his life without any cold approaches, without having to practice social skills,

Starting point is 00:37:36 without having to do, just following a very simple method that was made for introverts instead of extroverts. Let's see. Where else am I here? Man, I mean, it's okay. So I would say, Oh, I had one client last year, late last year, who he came and worked with me for three months straight. And. I mean. I gave him like.

Starting point is 00:38:14 What was he struggling with? The craziest. OK, so he's from the Middle East. And so kind of like just like randomly chatting with strangers over there is like kind of very unusual. Right. And so he really actually wanted that strong social help, that ability to just talk to anybody. You know, you're at a cafe and somebody is cute in front of you in line. Just chat with them. And so, yeah, we spent so much time out around LA and it's just so funny because one, and

Starting point is 00:38:53 I'm sure you've seen this too, is like such a fun part of being a social coach is being able to see somebody from their first day where like they can't even ask some a stranger the time to somebody that's just like going up to random people and you know getting phone numbers and going on dates and stuff like that so yeah that that experience was just so memorable because it was unusual that he like literally flew over to see me for three months straight and work with me. And I got to see such a huge transformation in him. And he was a huge, huge, huge introvert, but he wanted those extroverted muscles, those really strong social skills in public. And so I taught it to him. Nice. Nice. And so for the typical introvert who's listening, any action steps you would suggest he go out and do in terms of finding, how do you find your tribe? How do you know what your tribe might be? How do you like to do? And introverts have interests. That's the great thing about introverts. Introverts are very interested in things. And so, you know, personally for me, I love, I have so many things that I would want to

Starting point is 00:40:17 dive into community wise. Music. I'm a musician. I love singing. I love writing music um i love like old film noirs which literally there's communities for people that love watching old movies um i love i love relationships actually i love social skills so like there's places where people talk about that there's meetup groups where people talk about that stuff.

Starting point is 00:40:48 Write down all of your interests. It's like, you know, it's like a very actually like you could hire ChatGPT to work with you on this. Say like, hey, ChatGPT, I want to meet some like minded communities and I want to find like-minded people through that and start dating people through that. I want you to help me find these like-minded communities by breaking down all of my interests and then you offer me, suggest to me different potential communities, classes, things I could join in order to find these communities. And so yeah, I recommend going straight to chat GBT and having them work with you on figuring that out. Then it's the exploration phase,

Starting point is 00:41:33 because there's going a lot of single women in that community i found that out the hard way absolutely exactly and me too and i got all the tattoos i got my lower back pony tattoo it's just what, what a waste of time and money. That's so hot. And then I realized, wait a second, bro, brony probably means bro and not, there's no women. So it's like, once you start exploring, you'll, or just like my client who he tried out improv and he realized, you know what? It was fun. I love it.

Starting point is 00:42:20 It's just not exactly what I'm looking for. And he kind of shifted. And so it's, that's the exploration phase. Try out communities that, you know, you feel more comfortable in and then you'll be like, Oh wow, there's actually a lot of really cute people here and people I would really connect with. And people are like inviting me to their, their birthday parties and like their girlfriend's birthday party. And, um, and you'd be like, this is the right community. And then that feels good.

Starting point is 00:42:48 It's not hard. It's easy to get to. It's not like a long commute. You know, it works with your schedule. All of those things work. And then, yeah. So that's basically it. And you're also, as you're joining communities

Starting point is 00:43:03 or test driving different vehicles, whether it's, obviously not bronies, but whatever you're into, studying a foreign language, playing a sport, bowling leagues. I had a client who got into Toastmasters. Nice. final tribe, every single vehicle you're, you're tester test driving, you're growing more complex, more interesting, having stories, you're adding layers to who you are as a man. And you're able to talk about these things. Yes. I was going to say, you're also becoming more confident because you are being, um, validated constantly in your community, because if you have an interest in this community, you likely have things to say, you likely have value to give about this interest. And so when people are benefiting from you, you're feeling more confident. People are validating,

Starting point is 00:43:58 um, your, your connection to them based on that interest, you're growing more confident. And this is what extroverts naturally do. They are constantly getting this validation because they are not going in their brain and going like, what community should I join? You know, they're literally just going, oh, like basketball, I'm going to just join this pickup basketball team.

Starting point is 00:44:22 And then they go, they play basketball because they love basketball. They've been playing all their life. And then they fucking are amazing at it. And then all the, all the people on the team are like, dude, you're awesome. Like you want to come to a basketball game with me? And, uh, my girlfriend's bringing her friend. You want to come and be like my, you know, you do a little double date and it just sort of work out naturally for them. Introverts, we're not, we're so kind of in our heads that we do have to kind of think it through. But extroverts do this

Starting point is 00:44:51 shit naturally every day and they are naturally finding their tribes. And that's why they're automatically confident in themselves because they're, they're, they have just an impulse. They just have a compulsion that drives them to where they're automatically supposed to be. Now, introverts also do this, but it's just that introverts are less likely to just naturally find where they're supposed to be. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend.

Starting point is 00:45:37 Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't so that you can. Confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your

Starting point is 00:46:27 dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. Damn. No, that's great. It's all great. So you're constantly getting that new, important, these references of validation and building that confidence. And yeah, confidence is like money. You can never have too much. Yeah, that's true. Nothing wrong with getting a lot more confidence. Confidence is like money and brony friends can't have too many yeah man it's a limitless amount by the way this episode is sponsored by my little pony my little pony okay we'll add that in later um okay a couple a couple of random questions um let me tell a

Starting point is 00:47:19 quick anthony story from my past and then oh shit i'll tee you up for a question so one of my biggest sticking points when i was working with you was i just felt like wait is it okay to flirt with a woman and like like put my put my sexual romantic desire out there one night we went to a cool bar club in the lower east side of manhattan And you had me approaching and I basically found myself on essentially having a one-on-one interaction with a really attractive young woman. She was with a group of people, but I basically got her away from her group with their permission. And we're sitting there one-on-one at a bar and and um you had been teaching me about the important not the importance of always doing this but being able to basically say to a woman that you find her sexy because i

Starting point is 00:48:12 was i just could not say it i just thought oh that's creepy i can't tell a girl she's sexy i'm gonna come across as creepy i'm weird i don't want to be that guy who's like making mistakes this is before the me too era. That was just myself. And I remember, I remember I was, and I, I told her, I said, Hey, Jennifer, whatever her name was. She, she done or said something sexy. And I'm like, okay, I'll go halfway. I'll do half of Anthony's tip. I'll say, Oh wow. You're into X, Y, Z thing. Boy, that's really sexy. And she leaned forward and she said, so you're telling me I'm sexy, right? And I said, yes, you're sexy. And she was like, thank you. She was basically like affirming what you were trying to have me do. Not that there's a magic bullet to telling every woman they're sexy, but what are your thoughts on expressing how men today

Starting point is 00:49:05 can express that romantic and sometimes sexual desire in a way that's genuine, that's successful, hopefully, but not going to creep a woman out or freak a woman out? What's the line between flirting, creeping, telling women they're sexy? What are your thoughts? I love, dude, you have such great great questions and i love that it was like introduced with a story of us years ago like what the fuck how are you doing this it was a powerful moment i remember very well very well damn damn i love it i love that um okay so um this is such a good question and people get so confused about this, but once you kind of can wrap your head around how simple and obvious this, this, it, it's no longer an

Starting point is 00:49:55 issue. Um, okay. So I remember the first time I told somebody I thought she was sexy. I was in college and I knew I had to do it. I was like so, so anxious because I knew that this was like the next level for me in terms of my social skills. And there was this girl I always used to flirt with mid class. I would like leave class and walk around for like 15, 20 minutes because it was like a

Starting point is 00:50:20 three hour class and it was so boring. And there was always this girl that was like waiting for her class to start in the hallways, like sitting down. And I would just go talk to her. And one day I went and talked to her and I was, I knew I wanted to tell her that she was sexy. And I was the whole, the whole time I was dying inside. So incredibly nervous that she was going to kill me and all this stuff and so i finally got the courage to go over talk to her and then tell her that like her lips were sexy and there was like a two second pause and it was probably more like a point two second pause but in my brain that two second pause felt like an hour right and and she was like oh wow thank you and and inside it was

Starting point is 00:51:01 like wait what the fuck just happened huh she didn't she didn't call the cops wait she didn't take her rape whistle out and blow it yeah exactly and then so after that i felt like on top of the world i felt so confident and i just was like wait i just want to go tell every girl that i find sexy that i find her sexy and okay so here's here's the basics of it. Connell, are you a creepy guy? Only at the brony conventions, but no. Do you have intentions with women where you just want to use their body for sex and you don't actually interested in them? Nope, not at all.

Starting point is 00:51:42 Oh, then you're not creepy. Then don't ever worry about being creepy ever in your life ever because you're not creepy. So don't worry about it. Now, listen, no matter what people are probably going to think your people are creepy no matter what you do. So it's like, it doesn't matter. Like you going up to somebody, somebody is probably going to, you know, you're probably going to, okay. I've probably gone up to people a bunch of times and I left and they were like, that guy was creepy. I can't stop anybody from having them think that about me. It's like, as long as my intentions are at the highest level for myself in terms of my values and my morals and my intentions, then I'm good. I don't have anything to worry about because I can't make you decide how to feel.

Starting point is 00:52:28 I'm just going from my heart, you know? People think Mother Teresa is a horrible, proselytizing bitch. I don't. Everybody, you know? You know, so it's like, everybody could think everyone's a bad person. But anyway, next next point is.

Starting point is 00:52:52 Women want to have sex. Women enjoy sex. Women like sex to assume that they don't is sexist. It's it's old fashioned. It's an archaic idea. Women love talking about sex women love talking about sex with people that are not objectifying them and that don't have an ulterior motive with them so if you do if you are literally talking to a woman or if you are a woman talking to a man or

Starting point is 00:53:22 if you're whoever talking to whoever and your only thought in your head is i don't give a fuck about this person just i just want to have sex with this person i just want to use them as a like a meat sock as quickly as possible then yes you'd if you speak sexually with that person they are going to feel it that you are not looking at them as a human being, but as an object, which is where the term objectification comes from. And so it's very simple. Women are extremely happy, like so happy to talk about sex, like openly about their sex life, sexual positions, like anything about sex. When they know that you are not trying to use them, when they know that in the back of your head, you're not going, yeah, but when can we get to the sex part right when they go when they go this guy does not give a shit if he hooks up with me if i like him he just wants to have a fun time with me and connect when she feels that you can talk about anything the fuck you want with the person because

Starting point is 00:54:37 they trust you they know that you are a good person that has good intentions with them. And so when you express your attraction for them from that place, oh God, it's, they love it. Why wouldn't, why wouldn't anyone love hearing that they're sexy? So another part of it is it's when it's warranted. If they don't feel that your expression of your attraction is warranted, in other words, if you just go up to someone and go, you're really sexy. Well, what is that based off of? What?

Starting point is 00:55:12 The way that my butt looks or something? Great. Wow. And so that brings me to another part of this. Attraction, really, people get confused with the word attraction. They think that means hot girl. You see a hot girl and I feel the squeeze in my chest when I see her. That's not attraction. That is you just feeling needy in wanting to acquire a high value object. That's all. It's the same feeling you get when you think you're going to like win the lottery or something like that. That has nothing to do with attraction. Attraction happens when

Starting point is 00:55:49 you are connecting with somebody, when you're building chemistry with somebody, and when that chemistry and that intimacy is building to the point where you are feeling like you want to have sex with that person. When those little emotions in you start happening and you're having that strong connection with that person, that is literal attraction. So then when you feel that, you say whatever the hell is going on in your body. So if it's, man, your lips are like really, really sexy looking right now. That's what you were feeling. That's what you were feeling. That's what you expressed. Or like, my God, the fact that you know, like who Jean-Luc Godard is, is the most sexy thing to me. So it's like, it all depends on what truly feels sexy to you, what is attractive to you. And then when you feel it, say it. And when those things are all aligned. And again, with Connell, it's like, that's all I'm saying is just be authentic. And so it's like, when your authenticity is all aligned in this way, and then you release that

Starting point is 00:56:51 expression of attraction to the person, it fucking makes so much sense in their brain. It's like, I get it. I get it. I get it. His authenticity, his authenticity, his interest in me, our connection, our chemistry is brewing. everything's coming together. And he's now telling me that he's starting to feel something. This is all adding up and making perfect sense. And so it feels good to hear this. And I want to reciprocate because we've had this connection that's building, building, building. And so now I could reciprocate in some way. And so, you know, to make a long story short, just if you're not a douchebag, just tell somebody you find them sexy. If you are a douchebag, don't do it. Yeah. One of my favorite little aphorisms, if that's the right word, or little philosophies I give my guys is what I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing, as long as it's not X-rated or vulgar.

Starting point is 00:57:52 I'm talking about a first date or a first few hours of conversation. Because a lot of guys get so in their head, like, what do I say? What's the right thing to say? What do we talk about? And I say, well, as long as you have good intentions, just express what you're feeling. And to your point that good, it feels good to express that. And, and that can help flip your switch. You, the man and make you feel really good and in touch with yourself and genuine and giving some good, awesome, real emotions with good intentions. And doesn't any woman want to be on the receiving end of those good intentions from a man who has a lot to offer and is trying to connect with her? I think most women would like that. And if not, maybe, hey, maybe you're not a good fit, but that's how we find out. Yeah. It, it, it is a old, outdated, sexist idea that women don't want

Starting point is 00:58:49 to talk about sex or hear about sexual things. That is sexist. Women want to hear and talk about sex just as much as we do. It's just, they don't want to be objectified and dehumanized when it happens. Uh, just because that's the same thing for me too if somebody came up to me and i felt that vibe where it's like they didn't give a shit about anything about me they just wanted to access my uh uh you know little giblets then i would feel grossed out and i would feel scared and i would feel unsafe but that doesn't happen because women don't usually do that. They weren't taught to do that. But women experience that all the time

Starting point is 00:59:32 because men were taught to be sexist towards women because that's just what the, you know, over the generations, that's what we've been taught. Yeah, we once went out. a couple of final things here. Then we'll wrap up. But all these,

Starting point is 00:59:48 all these memories are coming back to me around the time where you and I were working on me being able to just convey the genuineness, uh, feeling basically saying to women, they're sexy. We went out for a night or at least I went out for a night. You might've given this to me as a, as some homework.

Starting point is 01:00:08 And my mission for the night was I could, I hacked the only way i could break the ice with women was to start off by saying um you're really sexy and you might not even do that anymore but at the time you saw the need for me to do that as as an exercise that's a good thing to do because it's just getting the words out of your lips, right? And seeing that nobody slapped your face. So that exercise is more for you, you know, in ultimately. Right. It's not one size fits all. But the thing I remember about that night, well, two things I remember. One was a great tip, a correction you gave me along the way.

Starting point is 01:00:43 Because at first I was just mouthing the words, hey there, you sure are sexy. I was just like trying to get through the fear. And then you looked at me and said, why don't you try to feel it? Why don't you try to actually feel it with a woman? Okay, what a concept, feeling it. And then I started to feel it when I saw a woman I wanted to talk to. And then I got beautifully polarizing responses. I needed both.

Starting point is 01:01:10 I needed some women to be like, okay, yeah, great, whatever, later. And then a couple women were like, well, hey, you're not so bad yourself, Mr. Ginger. And I was like, whoa, whoa. You can say they're sexy and I can survive the quote unquote blowout rejection, but also have another woman say, hey there, what's your deal? And that was just a great, great moment. I had no story there. No point other than I just remembered that moment.

Starting point is 01:01:35 No, but the great thing is, is getting that disinterested or like lackluster response is also very necessary because that, that is our base worst response that we are telling our brain happens because what is our brain really thinks going to happen? Like rape, rape. And then like, you know, fire engines and police cars are going to surround the building and you're going to get arrested and go away for it that's what we think's gonna happen so to have a woman just go okay is is like whoa damn that was it that was great yeah that was a great that was a great helpful moment for me okay a couple quick short questions short answers and then we'll finish with your top top three game changing tips and then we'll fuck off into this good night. Um, question number one, if you could go back in time and give your younger self, let's say 18 year old Anthony, some dating slash social

Starting point is 01:02:39 life advice, what would you go back and tell your 18 year old self um okay a couple a couple things i mean god there's obviously so many things because i've had so many like revelations in the past fucking 20 years of my life but um uh one is the obvious one i already talked about which which is like, dude, you're an introvert. So it's like, it's natural for you to feel weird while all of your friends are feeling like so natural, just partying right now. And, um, it's like nothing wrong with you. It's just who you are. If you were able to, uh, find, you know, methods and systems that worked for your personality, things would be incredibly different. And weirdly enough, those extroverted friends would feel like a fish out of water in

Starting point is 01:03:31 places where you feel amazing. Um, two, and this is something like, this is kind of just like a social trick that I learned, um, just by hanging around very confident extroverted people because we could learn a lot from extroverts is I realized when I would be in my early 20s and partying and at bars and all my friends were just talking for hours and just they wouldn't shut the fuck up at a party or bar and I just be like looking around and be like how are they doing like what the fuck are they talking about? And I realized when I started actually listening, they were talking about nothing. It all sucks. It's the worst shit in the world. Because as an introvert, I'm going like, oh, well, it has to be intellectually stimulating.

Starting point is 01:04:20 And it has to be stimulating for the person person taking it and i realized no people just are yapping at each other and that feels good to just fucking yap just express themselves and i realized wait what have i tried that like what if i just tried to just be like what if i just tried to be a fucking motor mouth for the night and just see what happens with no care for what i'm saying just go up to them hey but there oh yeah oh that's funny but what just didn't shut the fuck up and had fun while doing it and i realized wait a second that was all they're doing because when i did that i was like oh that was really easy and everybody's like they're like they think i'm really confident and i'm just talking. I'm not even saying anything

Starting point is 01:05:05 interesting. Um, so like, uh, that, that realization obviously morphed into other ideas and concepts and things that were more refined and better for me and things to teach. But just like realizing, wait a second, like if you go into a room and you see everyone like having the best time, they're not talking about anything better than you. In fact, you probably have a lot better things to talk about than literally everyone in the room. It's just that they do it with such bravado that it seems good, but it's not, it's not good. But it goes back to that whole thing where it's like, it's such a simple concept to see a very charismatic person and go, that's a really high value person from afar. And when you get up close, you go, they're really saying nothing.

Starting point is 01:05:54 It's kind of like watching those like really trash reality TV shows where it's like, what are they? They're not talking. Nobody's talking about anything on those things, but they're all just they won't shut the fuck up. And if you realize, wait a second, I actually have stuff that is fun for me to talk about. So wait, if I just start blabbing about it, I just want introverts to try that. I want people that are so new at this to just be like, what if I just talk about something that i like and just do it as though the other person is going to love it it's weird it really just works they're just people that are listening are just like wow this person's like really confident it's weird it's really weird just talk they are they are not talk they are not talking about carl jung versus freud and the

Starting point is 01:06:44 schism they had in the early... No. They're not talking about the final Jeopardy question. I'd love to talk about that. Hell yeah. Carl Jung and Freud. I want a guy to just lower the bar. I'm not saying try to sound like that guy, the

Starting point is 01:07:00 one who's just Charlie Brown's teacher. Wah, wah, wah, wah. But be liberated by the fact that you don't have to hit some really high bar. It's a much lower bar than you think. And that creates a lot of space and comfort to say, okay, I can actually start with,

Starting point is 01:07:13 Hey, how's your night? And, and not feel in my head about it. And then the more comfortable you get, the cool, interesting, deep,

Starting point is 01:07:19 fun, weird conversation will arise because you're not straining to reach some stratospheric bar. Yeah, definitely. All right. Let's finish with three game-changing dating tips for men, if you would, even though you coach everyone in the world. They can be any topic any category um what do you got top three game changing dating tips for men take it awesome fire away thank you by the way uh everything that i teach is universal so um i don't i don't really often i don't think teach things that are gender

Starting point is 01:07:57 based because i believe social skills are universal and confidence um but if there were any like gender focused things then it would be but anyway um let's see top game changing things you say yeah three tips that the typical especially the introverted guy who might struggle with confidence conversational confidence lack of dates, three top tips that come to your mind. Oh God. Uh, there's so many, uh, I can't think of top things. I'm just going to come up with like random. Yeah. Any, yeah. No ranking needed that are thrown to my brain. Okay. Um, there's this really great, you might remember me teaching this to you. This is like a really old one, where basically when you're listening to somebody, now listen, if you just practice and master presence and purpose and health, this naturally will happen to you as you're interacting and listening to somebody. But if you want just like a sneak peek of how it works when you kind of mimic that and then allow that to, you know, like happen to you by mimicking it, kind of like act like a duck and then you become the duck.

Starting point is 01:09:13 Um, as you're listening to somebody and you ask them a question or something and then they give an answer, don't respond immediately. I think for introverts, we have this anxiety of filling up the silence because that's what extroverts do. They're constantly, there's no silence. So jumping to the, oh, oh, that's a really great point. And as an introvert, it's like this crazy, powerful social thing where when you're listening to somebody speak, after you're done listening to them speak, just listen to them a little bit more, wait for them to see if they have anything else to say and give them a few seconds to do so. And what you'll notice is they will want to fill that silence with

Starting point is 01:10:07 more talking. What happens subconsciously is that person starts investing more into the conversation with you. So when you go up to somebody and you start a conversation and you ask a question and they give a small answer and you just shut the fuck up and allow them to continue, they go, oh, wow, this person isn't just satisfied with my bullshit answer. They actually want more. They, that person feels that and they go, oh, wow, this person has high standards. And like I said, I'm feeling more committed and into this conversation now because they're essentially forcing me to do so. And so it's like, you know, oh, that was cool.

Starting point is 01:10:53 Like you, uh, you majored in philosophy. What was that like? And, oh, it was really cool. And, uh, I learned a lot. And, you know, I had and I realized that this happened to me and this happened to me. Oh, and I kept doing it. And you will realize that they will literally feel awkward because you're. Oh, yeah. And you have that expectant face on and so you could do so much as an introvert

Starting point is 01:11:29 without saying a lot you could do so so so much um yeah okay i'm now gonna be i'm gonna be quiet for five minutes now and just see how long it takes you to start talking uh okay let me think of this ah easy that was easy and just see how long it takes you to start talking. Okay, let me think of the second. Easy, that was easy. That was great, I love that. You just made me think of one for listening. It's an improv move that's an improv drill,

Starting point is 01:12:00 but it helps with conversation and listening, is you repeat back a key phrase from the sentence that that person said to you ideally maybe the last few words but even just grabbing a few words that they said because it helps you you have to listen to the words or else you won't be able to repeat it back and a lot of guys i found think oh what am i going to talk next? What's the next cool thing to ask her or to say? And then if I just say, hey, slow down and listen to the last few words that she said about how she broke her leg when she went skiing in Vail at age 17. And then pause and then say, whoa, you broke your leg when you were 17. What might that make you then want to ask her or respond with? So you're listening, you're making yourself more present and you're also showing her,

Starting point is 01:12:51 hey, I'm listening to you. Yeah. What, what that does also, that's such a great tip is you're also, um, you are showing that you're actually interested in the person, which builds that trust. It builds that connection between the two of you. Because it's like, oh, wow. Like, you know, personally for me, when somebody does that, when they like echo kind of the point that I just made, it makes me feel like really warm and fuzzy.

Starting point is 01:13:22 Because I'm like, oh, they're really like listening here. That's really cool. And so that feels good. So when they do express their attraction to me, then then I go, oh, wow, I know that they really mean it. You know, it's the difference between getting like a just an empty compliment where you're just like, yeah, OK. And where you get that compliment where you're like, damn, I feel really good because, you

Starting point is 01:13:43 know, that person really knows you and that feels great. So yeah. Um, okay. So I'm going to just do social skills tips, like conversation tips, cause that's great. That's short and fast and fun. Okay. The next tip in conversation is something called threading and threading is really fun. It, people run out of things to say in conversation real quick. They, you know, they kind of go through there. Usually they go through there like normal things of what they say. And then when they run out of things, they get awkward or maybe they started a conversation based on a certain topic. Like maybe you met somebody at a bookstore and then you see like the Abe Lincoln biography in the corner and you go, oh man, let's talk.

Starting point is 01:14:27 And then you guys talk about Abe Lincoln for like five minutes straight. And then you're in your head, you're like, shit, I got to keep talking about Abe Lincoln now. And then when we run out of Abe Lincoln fun facts, like where do we go? And then you feel awkward. Threading is a natural thing that humans do

Starting point is 01:14:44 when we feel comfortable in conversation. But when we're nervous, this acts as a really great tool to get us into that flow of a conversation. And what it is, is basically as you're talking about something, for instance, Abraham Lincoln, other kind of points and ideas will come up while that conversation is happening or in your head. When they come up, I want you to keep track of your like favorite three, maybe favorite two, or if it's just your favorite one and say, oh, you know what? Like speaking of biographies, would you feel weird reading your own biography? And so that question. what a great question. So, so that question is coming from what we were talking about, right? Yeah. And then there were

Starting point is 01:15:33 all of these threads from this ball of topic, right? And this ball of topic had these threads kind of poking out and you were like, Oh, biography one, where it's like, would you want, that was interesting to me. I thought, I just thought about that. So let me pull on that one and ask that person that. And then I bring that to them. And then maybe we could talk about feeling. So what's, now that's the topic. Now there's threads that come from that topic. So maybe it's, I don't know, reading your own biography. And then it's maybe like, I don't know, are you a writer? Are you a reader? Do you actually read books? What do you prefer nonfiction or fiction? Connell, tell me what are you a nonfiction or fiction guy? I know you're a nonfiction guy. You love but you love the like the who biography, right? Am I right? You are. Is that your favorite book or your favorite band

Starting point is 01:16:27 uh i love the beatles i'm a beatles guy no wait a second no wait a second no no hold on hold on hold on hold on what is that band isn't it the who i love the i like the who as well i don't love the who wait a second no why didn't you like no wait i'm thinking of the wrong band though because i remember specifically you telling me about this one band that you love so much who are those fucking guys with the huge noses you know the huge noses not the who uh no i don't think so the big nosed band this is it is the who dude there's no i'm down with the who don't get me wrong okay i'm down with you didn't you like read like a didn't you like read a biography you did something like didn't you like write about them or read about them or go to like one of their like reunion concerts or come on am i did i make

Starting point is 01:17:28 up this memory this is definitely not another person i can't wait to read about this in your bio in my biography i'm gonna do the chapter about when anthony i'm gonna do the fake i'm gonna do the fake biography about you no there's something you're fucking with me right now dude i know it might not be the know it might not be the who it might not be the who i'm sure you're right i'm the one who's not remembering the reference all right do this do this for me before we move to the next thing because i really want to hold on after the beatles who are your favorite bands uh beatles coldplay um i would say bare naked ladies cake i like a lot keep going phoenix but back when i was with you we're talking classic we're probably talking classic what about like this classic rock tell

Starting point is 01:18:13 me your classic rock favorite uh all beatles zeppelin uh but the eagles um something's off something knows barry and his big nose a band this is it this is a this is a mandela effect for me right now dude anyway okay all right oh my god this could be another time yeah okay cool uh but the point is no great tip listen to the focus on the conversation and give yourself oh wait here's an offshoot thread from Abraham Lincoln biographies. Ask her or him, them, hey, what biography would you, how would it feel to read your own biography? And then the question I thought while you were telling me that story or giving me that

Starting point is 01:18:57 tip, Anthony, was what would you, whoever you're talking to, this would be a fun question, what would the name of your biography be? What would the title of it be? Love it. so yeah just let yourself it's kind of like family feud top three things that enter your head while you're talking about topic a back pocket them and you're always going to have something else to say you have the best way of taking my gobbledygook and then just you did this too when i would coach you it was so infuriating i was like how the fuck did he do that because i would like spend thank you i would like spend like an hour explaining something to you and then you'd be like okay so basically this and i would

Starting point is 01:19:35 be like oh yeah just that that was all i wanted to say editor and writer for 15 years yeah no that's what it is it's your it's your writing skill it's it's the ability to just encapsulate something in such a simple form um but yeah it's you'll you will never run out of things to say when you're threading because i love that you're always just picking up off of where you left off onto the next thing and it's present and it's on the topic. And people, again, I'm talking mainly to straight men here. The woman you're on a date with just loves that you're both threading, creating these different, you're creating a beautiful garment from these threads that you're weaving together.

Starting point is 01:20:20 It's just, and it's so beautiful when it happens. And it's so much better than overthinking what you're going to say and planning too much because, hey, we don't want to over plan. Okay. Last question and I'll let you go. One last tip. It can be for introverts. It can be online dating. It can be social skills or sorry, social circle type things. What's your parting shot? What's your parting tip for people in general, introverted men in particular? It's like a really bad, not exciting tip, but these, like every tip is exciting to me just because I love social skills and relationship building so much. So,

Starting point is 01:21:00 okay. So this is something that is so obvious and stupid, but people don't do it. And it is actually a magical thing. So when you're meeting somebody for the first time, and it's not like, you know, at a party being introduced to somebody, it's like you're like, like we said, it's like you're talking to somebody at the bookstore

Starting point is 01:21:19 or something like that. People forget to introduce themselves. And they do it more because it's a subconscious anxiety of saying this is too much because I'm kind of in and out of this conversation. I could be gone any moment. Don't worry. I'll run away if you are not interested. Um, but what confident people do that are just happy to talk to any stranger and connect with them, is they just introduce themselves in the first 15, 30 seconds. And what that does is it's a lot more than you think. It solidifies that this is no longer just two strangers

Starting point is 01:21:56 talking about Abe Lincoln for a couple of minutes. Now we are friends. Now we are acquaintances and we're getting to know each other. And what that does is it grounds the conversation rather than making it feel like, oh, this is just an Abraham Lincoln thing and we'll be gone in a second. It's like, no, hi, I'm Anthony. Nice to meet you. What's your name? Oh, we've grounded. Speaking of biographies, by the way, because it feels so uncomfortable to be like, wow,

Starting point is 01:22:29 I am entitled to this person's time enough to change the subject. Now that feels crazy. But when you introduce yourself, it's like, oh, okay. You know, we are doing that. We are going into different topics because now this topic, sorry. Now the purpose of this interaction is no longer just relating about Abe Lincoln. It is about relating to each other and that introduction is that small subconscious thing that does that and and to your point it also it it re not reframes isn't the right word it uh propels the dynamic from two strangers talking randomly about ab Lincoln to two people who, once you exchange names, now you know each other.

Starting point is 01:23:10 And you're at least moving toward something that's more personal. Friendly acquaintance. You go from strangers to at least a friendly acquaintance. And potentially something much more personal and romantic if you go that far. But even if it's just a friendly conversation with a new friend, that's better than just being a stranger. It's more, it's moving toward intimacy or friendship.

Starting point is 01:23:31 Love it. And I also just, what, what helps, what helped me or sorry, has helped a lot of men. I know, especially was if you don't know what to say after that Abraham Lincoln thing

Starting point is 01:23:41 runs out and you say, Oh, sorry, by the way, I'm Anthony. What's your name? Marabella. Nice to meet you, Marabella. And then you can talk about their name, which is the single most important word in the English language to them. So if you don't know

Starting point is 01:23:57 what to talk about, Marabella. I've never met a Marabella. Is that a family name? How did you get your name? Or I know 27 jennies why are there so many damn jennies out there at least it gives you something to discuss but yeah i love the introduction um you and i did that as well back in the day uh anthony rossinello bro thank you so much for coming on and doing this thank you for coaching me back in the day thank you for taking a a pickup artisty a too much pickup artist dude and giving me some real heart, some authenticity and soul, heart and soul, which you have lots of. Thank you so much, buddy. And I appreciate you. I mean, taking, oh, how about this? How about this? You were one of my first

Starting point is 01:24:39 clients actually. So I thank you for taking the risk to work with me because i was just starting out this was really a long time ago like fifth uh 12 13 years ago probably roughly like 12 12 or so yeah so you were one of my first um i got a phone call from i i remember literally um was it our our our mutual friend with an h i don't remember actually it might have been it might have been mutual friend with an h um and i just got a phone call from you and actually this is a weird memory that just popped up out of nowhere i literally remember it was h i was i was sitting on my couch at uh my, my shore house in the Jersey shore. And I, I remember getting a phone call from you and you were literally like, Hey, uh, my friend told me you're a good coach. I want to work with you. And I was like, sure. Cool.

Starting point is 01:25:36 And, um, I, I literally remember that. Whoa. That was like a fucking a fucking, you're helping me pull out memories now. We're reminiscing. But I want to thank you. Like, I want to thank you for, you know, taking a risk on me. Totally. No, it was well worth it. Anthony Resinello, you can find out more about Anthony at resinello.com forward slash free class for his introverts map to low-key dating hotspots.

Starting point is 01:26:07 And he's on Instagram as well. And he's everywhere. Anthony, thank you so much, bro. Thank you so much too. Oh, all right. Yeah. Yes. One more thing. Oh, can I plug one more thing? Yeah. It's like the Avengers closing credits, the bonus scene. Go. June 2nd is there's a show coming out in Paramount Plus called Love Always. And I'm going to be the host and dating coach of that show. So I'm going to be helping a bunch of young daters compete for the hearts of this one bachelorette. This is a it is a queer dating show show so it's it's pansexual so it's straight people it's bisexual people it's all kinds of people all competing for the heart of one bachelorette named lexi and i'm going to be helping these people win the heart of

Starting point is 01:27:00 lexi that's on paramount plus if anybody wants to check it out, and that's that. We'll put that link and the other links in this description, the show notes. And Anthony, thanks for being here, bro. And thanks for listening. We'll see you next time on the Dating Transformation Podcast. And don't forget, women already like you. They just have to meet the authentic you. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media.

How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 12 Tips on Dating as an Introverted Man, with Anthony Recenello

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.