How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 3 Dating App Mistakes to Avoid! Plus: Steal the Flirty, 12-Word Opener that Gets Women Replying

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

Do you struggle to get women writing you back on the apps? Do you get ghosted on Tinder, Bumble, or Hinge… and don’t know why? It’s frustrating, and can make you want to delete the apps. But help is on the way! In this episode of the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast, your host—dating coach Connell Barrett—identifies 3 dating app mistakes that you make when writing openers. Plus, Connell shares the flirty, 12-word opener that gets him a 77% percent response rate on the apps with wonderful women. Stop getting ghosted and start sending openers that women love! Listen now.FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO CONFIDENTLY FLIRT WITH WOMEN BY BEING AUTHENTIC (NO SKETCHY PICKUP MOVES NEEDED):http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactQuotes"Engage women with fun, flirty questions—not just logic and information—to spark lively conversations." - Connell Barnett"Improve your match success by refining your opening lines for better connections." - Connell BarnettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite:https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Intro01:27 - Crafting Effective Dating App Openers03:25 - Engage with Fun, Playful Questions09:52 - Personalize Messages with Profile Insights10:36 - Initiate Chats by Noting Unique Traits15:37 -  Opt for Fun, Light Conversation Starters17:50 - 'Opposites Attract' for Engaging Chats24:03 - The 12-Word Power Opener28:49 - Value Authenticity in Compliments and Questions30:21 - Start with Intrigue to Avoid the Friend Zone32:12 - Outro

I guess what I'm saying is you want to avoid cliches like the plague. Get it? Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm the real-life Hitch, if Hitch was a nerdy ginger with glasses, I'm here to help you learn to flirt and gain confidence and get a great girlfriend and

do it with authenticity. No sketchy pickup artist moves need it. And this episode is a fun one. We're going to dial in on exactly how to write online dating openers on Tinder, on Hinge, on Bumble that women respond to. Because chances are, on the dating apps, women don't reply to your openers, usually. You get ghosted. You're probably not sure what to write. You're not sure the right way to send a woman a message and get her to reply to you. At least you're not doing it consistently. And it's frustrating, right? It's frustrating to have a profile, to swipe, to pay these dating apps all this money. And then either you get a match, which feels like you won a scratch-off lottery ticket, and then she doesn't reply to your opener. That is so frustrating.

Or maybe you send blind openers. Some apps let you send those. Like on Bumble, you can send that opening compliment, even if you haven't matched with her. Not getting responses for those, it just wears you down. So let's fix that. Today I want to give you the three biggest mistakes you're making with your openers

so you can fix them and get more matches that way. So we're going to fix three of the biggest mistakes you're likely making. I'm also going to give you some very simple tested strategies that my clients and I use to write openers that women love. I'm going to show you exactly how to write openers. And finally, stick around to the very end. And this is a short pod. It's only going to show you exactly how to write openers. And finally, stick around to the very end. And this is a short pod. It's only going to be 15 or 20 minutes. But stick around until the end because I'm going to give you the 12-word opener that you can send to any woman on any dating app. And it works better than pretty much any opener I've ever tested. It's my 12-word, I'm going to call it my 12 word sexy opener because it uses the word sexy

and women like that. So stick around to the end. I'm going to give you my 12 word opener that you can literally send to a hundred women after this episode. Okay. Let's first, let's go into the three biggest mistakes that you are making with your online dating openers. Mistake number one is chances are your openers are logical and informational rather than being light and playful or having some kind of emotional component. Bottom line is logic and information, that's the opposite of flirting. Women aren't on a dating app to exchange information with you, to answer logical questions, logical statements. So here are some examples of logical, boring informational openers that women typically don't want to reply to.

It could be something factual like, oh, hey, I see you went to Northwestern. What year did you graduate? Or how long have you been working at that law firm? Or any specific piece of information about her like, oh, I see you grew up in Ohio. When did you leave? And women don't want to feel like they're being interviewed for pure logic and information. It's totally okay to ask questions. I have no problem with questions. In fact, I love asking fun, flirty questions. But logical, boring, informational openers. They just don't reply to those typically. And we want to fix that. So beware of logical, informational, and boring openers. I'll give you some examples of how to make it fun and playful in just a minute. Online dating opener mistake number two. A big mistake you're making is you're just sending her openers that are cliches. She's heard them before.

The most common one is, hey, how are you? How's your day? Hi there. How was your weekend? How was your day going? Women hate, hate, hate these cliches because they get them all the time. I would say a majority of men either don't send openers, they just like the woman on the app, or they do send openers, but it's a cliche.

Hey, what are you up to? How's your day? So any variation of hi, how are you? How's your day? How's your weekend? You're basically asking her to go quiet on you and ghost you, or you're asking her not to reply. So if you wonder, why does a woman match with me, but then not reply to my opener? I thought she liked me. I thought she wanted to chat. Well, she doesn't want to have a cliche conversation. Okay. So avoid those cliches. In other words, I guess what I'm saying is you want to avoid cliches like the plague. Get it? Okay, and here's the third mistake that you're probably making with your online dating openers. The third mistake is you send openers. Okay, maybe they're not cliches. Maybe they're not logical and purely informational. But the third mistake you're likely making is you're sending copy and

paste openers that don't feel personalized. Women want an opener, a message to feel like it was specifically written for her. And if it doesn't feel personalized to her, then she's going to notice that and it's going to make her less interested in replying to you. So beware of copy and paste openers that sound like copy and paste openers. And there's a lot of these going around with other so-called dating experts, mostly men who know jack shit about what actually works with women. So yeah, you don't want a copy and paste opener. And a copy and paste opener is basically something that sounds generic, that could be sent to anybody. For example, I saw this going around on some other guru's YouTube channel. It was like, oh, hey there. Hey,

you. I saw your profile and you seem pretty awesome. And I wanted to find out if you wanted to grab coffee with me. And that just reeks of copy and paste one size fits all. And by the way, I have no problem with copy paste openaste openers. I personally prefer personalized openers. But look, you're busy. Maybe you don't want to spend all day thinking about the perfect opener. I'm on your team there. But if you're going to use copy-and-paste openers, they need to feel personalized. So those are the three big mistakes.

Logical, boring, informational openers, cliches, and openers that just don't feel personalized. So let's talk about what you should do. The art, the secrets, the right way to send openers. Here's some strategies. Here's some solutions. Think of openers, online dating openers, as falling into one of two categories. You can either send a personalized opener where you clearly make it clear that you read her profile and you mention something in her profile that shows you read it. Or you can send a copy and paste opener. But if you decide to go with the latter, the copy and paste opener, it's got to feel personalized to her. It can't read that way.

And that's hard to do. But I have a great one for you. I have my 12-word sexy opener that's going to give you a great copy and paste opener to use anytime you want. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps.

And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Connell Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks.

He unlocks your most confident self, so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life bye so think of good openers as falling into one of two categories you look at her profile and you can either send her something copy and paste or personalized let's talk about the personalized approach. Here are two or three of my favorite strategies.

I keep in mind a very simple truth, which is that everyone is most interested in their favorite subject, which is themselves. So when you're sending an online dating opener, first thing I want you to do is look at her profile. And if you want to make it personalized, look at her profile and find something specific about her profile that you like and that stands out to you. And then call that out in your opener.

You can call it out. And you don't need a lot to call it out. Just one simple specific. So for example, let's say I was just texting with a woman on Tinder who I matched with. And my opener was about the fact that she works at a rescue shelter. She works with dogs and volunteers with dogs at a rescue shelter. That really jumped out at me as something interesting and unusual. So I noticed that unusual thing about her and I mentioned it in my opener and then I asked her a question about it. So I think my opener was, I forget, I think her name was Catherine. It was, hey Catherine, I see that you work at XYZ Animal Shelter.

That's fantastic. That's so cool. And then I asked her a non-logical, non-boring question. And then I asked her an authentic question. I said, let me ask your opinion. I'm thinking about getting a dog. Should I get a rescue dog or should I get a breeded dog like a Frenchie? Now, I knew what her answer was going to be, presumably because she works at a rescue shelter. However, I wanted to

give her an emotionally infused question that she wanted to answer. So think about the logical boring approach to this opener would have been, hey, Catherine, I see you work at an animal shelter. Great. How long have you worked there? Again, factual, logical, boring, informational. She may or may not respond to that. But I actually asked her a question that she cares about, she has passion about. Hey, Catherine, I see you work at an animal shelter. I'm thinking about getting a dog. Should I get a rescue or should I get a Frenchie? What do you think? And of course, and she sent me back a paragraph about the benefits of a rescue and also asking me questions about the kind of dog I want to get. So she was very engaged by it. It wasn't super, it wasn't flirtatious at all,

but it got the conversation started. And really, that's the goal, just to get a good conversation started, one that can become flirtatious. So that's one approach. Think of it this way. Notice what you notice about her profile, something specific. Call it out with a compliment or an observation. Hey, I really love that you're into backpacking. I really love that you are a Bill Murray fan like me. Oh my God, I see you're a horror movie fan. That's so cool. It's spooky season. So think compliment plus question. That's a good way, a specific compliment plus an emotionally charged question. That's a good way to think about how to do a personalized opener. Okay. That's one way to think about it.

Another approach I like to an opener is I like to personalize it this way. I call this the, let's call, I'm just making this up right now. I call this the axe murderer opener, where let's say you like two or three things about her profile. Let's say she's the dream woman for you, like literally the dream woman. She's beautiful. She looks like Gal Gadot. She's intelligent. She's stylish. Just total knockout inside and out. You could send this opener. Let's say her name is Sarah. And Sarah's beautiful and into tennis, just like you, and a huge fan of Coldplay, just like you. You might say, hey, Sarah. Okay, let me get this straight. You like Coldplay, and you love tennis, and you're very stylish and beautiful. Okay, now you've pointed out

some specifics. Then you say, come on, nobody can be this perfect. Are you secretly an axe murderer? A gentleman must be careful. And you use a little axe emoji and you use a little laughing emoji because obviously this is a joke. It's an absurd joke. It's hyperbole. And this lets you get away with complimenting a woman without coming off like you're fawning over her. You don't want to fawn over a woman with an opener. You don't want to say, oh my God, you're so beautiful. You're so gorgeous. You seem so incredible. Would you like to get drinks with me? That's not going to work because you're not flirting with her. You're fawning with her or you're fawning over her. So instead, you could tease her a little bit or playfully ask her if she's a secret axe murderer. I like the word axe murderer better

than serial killer. Just the word serial killer, just so negative and dark. Axe murderer is absurd, especially I'm recording this during spooky season, so it's fun to think about axe murderers and slashers and horror movies and stuff. So anyway, yeah, I've used this many times. So here it is again. Hey, name. Let me get this straight. And then list one or two things that make her the perfect woman for you, basically, or almost the perfect woman. Hey, Jennifer, let me get this straight. You love hiking and you're a successful attorney? No way. No woman is this perfect. Are you secretly an axe murderer? Axe emoji. A gentleman must be careful. Winky emoji. So now you're giving her that compliment. It's personalized, right?

It's not copy-paste. It's personalized. There's some playfulness to it, some gentle teasing, logical. It's not logical and boring. It's playful. It's light. It's more emotionally infused. And you're complimenting her without fawning.

And women like that. Women love a guy who puts a card in the table, lets her know that she's interesting, she's gorgeous, she seems cool. And also, if you think about the framing of this, when you playfully accuse her of being too good to be true, you're screaming her. You're not just saying, oh my God, I want to take you out so much. Please date me, which can come off as needy and eager.

You're actually saying, all right, you seem great, but I don't know. Are you real? Are you secretly an ax murderer? I've also asked women, I don't know, you seem a little too perfect, Debra. Are you secretly a 300-pound man who's catfishing me? I have to be careful about these things. And it puts you in the seat of deciding whether or not she is meeting your standards as being a real person. So I like that approach. Here's one more way to do a personalized, playful opener. I call this the opposites attract opener. Basically, you mention

one or two specific things that you like about her profile, but then you point out something that you feel the opposite about. And you ask her if opposites attract, because maybe it's not meant to be. So you're doing something really powerful. You're actually telling her she seems awesome, but you might not be a good match. You might be opposites. So while every other guy is fawning over her and hoping, praying she wants to give him her number and go on a date, you're that rare guy who's asking her, I don't know, we seem like we might be opposites. Do you think opposites attract? Here's the exact phrasing for the opposites attract opener. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks.

But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can

confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. And by the way, obviously on a podcast here, this is an audio medium. But if you want to visually see my openers and how these look, and that can definitely help, go to my Instagram, Dating Transformation Instagram, and you'll see so many screenshots of me walking you through online dating openers.

So here's the opposites attract opener. It reads like this. For example, here's an actual woman I matched with. I'm from Ohio. I grew up in Ohio, and I matched with a beautiful woman on Hinge who's from Michigan. I actually went to the University of Michigan. I'm an Ohio State fan. She's a Wolverine.

So I said, I forget what her name is, but let's say it was Samantha. I said, hey, Samantha, great profile. And I think I gave her one compliment. Great profile. I love how you're into swimming like I am. And then I wrote, but uh-oh, you went to Michigan and I'm a Buckeyes fan. What do you think?

Can opposites attract? Winky face thinking emoji. So again, hey, name. I really like specific thing, hey, name. I really like specific thing about you. Blank. I really like that you're into paddle, not paddle ball.

What's the tennis craze everybody's into? Platform tennis? Oh, sorry, pickleball. Pickleball. Hey, name. Oh my God, you love pickleball? So do I.

That's so cool. Uh-oh. I see that you're into cats. I'm more of a dog guy. And it seems like you're a cat lady. What do you think? Can opposites attract? Winky face thinking emoji.

Notice how this creates a little bit of, let's call it, not tension, but flirtatious pushback. You're not quite sold on the two of you as a couple. But again, it's more of a playful approach to this. You're not literally saying, we're different. I can't date you because you're not what I want. Don't make it like that. It's not a serious thing. It's always light, always playful, always light, always playful. So think of it as a fun way to play.

You're basically teasing her. It's basically a light, playful tease. So I call this the opposites attract opener. And you end it with a very specific question. What do you think? Can opposites attract? Think about this. It's not a cliche. It's not logical and boring. And it's telling her, hey, I'm not sure we're a good match. What do you think? And then what you'll get a lot of from women is, oh, well, there's only one way to find out if opposites attract, right? Or, hey, why not? Opposites can attract. That's okay. Or maybe she'll be like, oh, I don't know. You went to Ohio State. I'm from Michigan. We might not get along. That's fine. We want any response as good, right? And most importantly, this works really well because it is personalized. And the nice

thing about the opposites attract opener is all you need is one specific thing that you feel the opposite of her. And you want to make it small and light. Don't make it a big thing. Make it something small, simple. She likes dogs. You like cats. She likes pizza. You like tacos. She's a big traveler, which every woman is, right? You're more of a homebody. It could be anything. So don't pick something major and big like, oh, I see that you're a conservative. I'm a Democrat. Well, that's more serious stuff that's going to kill the vibe. So give the opposites approach opener a try. Okay, now I want to give you what I think is, I just recently started testing this and it's gone through the roof

in terms of my results on the dating apps. And I've had a couple clients use it as well. So I'm calling this the 12 word sexy opener. This is the single most effective copy and paste opener that I've tested in my decade plus as a dating coach. I do think the very best openers, the ones that work the best, they give you the highest yield. In my experience, they're going to be personalized. They're going to be something like the Opposites Attract opener, or you're going to call out something on her profile that resonates with her. However, this 12-word copy-paste opener, the Sexy Opener, is working really well. I sent this out

last night to 12 different women on Tinder, all attractive, in my book anyway, and seven of the 12 have responded. It's 9 a.m. right now as I record this. Last night, I sent it out at about 9 p.m. So in about 12 hours, seven out of the 12 women have responded. And who knows, maybe some more responses will come in. So way, way over 50%, probably 60, 75% by the time I'm done. So here it is. Here's the 12-word opener. I'll give it to you, then I'll explain why it is so effective and why women like it. Here are the 12 words. Let's say her name is Susie. I just sent this last night. Hey, Susie, dot, dot, dot. You know what's surprisingly sexy about you in your profile? Thinking emoji, winking emoji.

So one more time real quick. Hey, Susie, you know what's surprisingly sexy about you in your profile? By the way, when I write hey, I write it with two Ys. H-E-Y-Y is just a little bit flirty as opposed to just H-E-Y. You know, there's a difference between hey and hey. So anyway, hey, Susie, or whatever her name is. Hey, name. You know what's surprisingly sexy about you and your profile? Think about this. Every single word in this opener is doing something helpful and effective that you want to give to women. Hey, Susie. I'm using her name. It's personalized. Surprisingly sexy is creating some curiosity. I'm not telling her, hey, you're hot, you're sexy. I'm saying

you're surprisingly sexy. So I'm calling out a very specific thing. And even the word sexy is clearly a romantic phrase, a romantic, what I call a man to a woman word to use with women. You're letting her know she's sexy, but you're not telling her what it is. And I think what really makes this work really well. So, so some of the responses I got last night were, or let me just read a couple to you right now. Um, a girl named Bernice said, LOL, I'm listening to that opener. Anna said, hey, I want to know, what is it? What's sexy about me? Just like really wanting to know.

Hey, Connell, my name is Aaron. I really want to hear your, she sent me a whole big paragraph. Sorry for not replying right away. Please leave your number. I really want to hear what your evaluation is of me. Basically, the power of the 12-word sexy opener is that you're turning yourself into a key that unlocks something about her to reveal what's sexy about her. This is human nature. We all want to feel sexy. We all want to feel attractive. And this opener tells her

that there's something sexy, something surprisingly sexy about her, and you have the answer to what that is. Now, you might be asking, what the heck do I write next? And here's what I was to Gia hey Gia you know what's surprisingly sexy about you and your profile she wrote back what is it what is it and I wrote well most girls on tinder

try very hard to look hot but you're not trying you're just being authentic and very real. And I find that very sexy. Does that make sense? So I end with a question to make it easy for her to reply. So basically, I can send that to any woman if I want to. Now, I do like to try to find something that I find surprisingly sexy in my second message. It could just be, oh, you're not doing a duck face, puckering face.

You just have a sly, sweet, almost shy smile. And I just find it so sexy when a woman doesn't try to be sexy. I think that's what really resonates with the follow-up message is you're not trying to be sexy. You're just being yourself. You're being authentic. And man, I find that real version of you is just so sexy. And I'm telling you, dear listener, I have not gotten responses from this kind of strong responses from so many women in a long time. So this might be the shit. This is my favorite new opener. And also keep in mind, of course, that even though this is obviously copy and paste, it sounds and feels personal, right? I'm saying you. I'm using her name. I'm letting her know that I

looked at her profile and then I find something surprisingly sexy about her. So I'm making myself a piece of clickbait. You are becoming clickbait with this opener. And a lot of women are going to want to know, what is it? What's so sexy about me? And one final benefit of this opener is you can't get in the friend zone. You may or may not date this woman. You may or may not ever meet her, but she's not going to put you in the friend zone. You're not going to be in the friend zone by telling a woman she's surprisingly sexy. You're actually putting yourself in that romantic, flirtatious man-to-woman zone. So the surprisingly sexy 12-word opener, it fixes every online dating opener problem and mistake that men make.

It sets a flirtatious, sexy tone, fun tone, and sexy. And it's also, even though it's copy and paste, you could send it 100 times if you want to. It feels personalized. And I'll end with this. Yes, it's copy and paste, you could send it a hundred times if you want to. It feels personalized. And I'll end with this. Yes, it's copy and paste. It doesn't feel that way. And if you genuinely truly find her sexy, it's also authentic. It's real. It's genuine. And for me, dating is all about being authentic, putting that real masculine heart out there for a woman who's your type and letting her feel that. So give the 12-word surprisingly sexy opener a try,

and I will see you, talk to you on the next pod. Remember, your dream girlfriend, she's out there and she's already into you. She just has to meet you and she has to meet the real authentic you. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.