How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 3 Dreaded First-Date Mistakes to Avoid, and What to Do Instead

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

Do you struggle to make sparks fly on first dates? Do you think it might be “creepy” to go for a first-date kiss? Do you TRY to be funny and interesting and cool, but you fall short… and women just don’t want to have another date?Let’s fix this!In this episode, dating coach Connell Barrett shares the three most common first-date mistakes that you’re making… and you don’t even know it. He also gives you the RIGHT three moves to correct things. And he shares an incredible client success story, about a guy who went from the Friend Zone on first dates to FIREWORKS. (Your jaw will drop.)Listen now, so you can start having fun, sexy, connected first dates… and do it as your most confident, authentic self.FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC: www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"There's nothing wrong with fear, but there's something very wrong with cowardice. Sculpt a dating life of authenticity and courage, no cowardice allowed." -Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction02:40 - From Struggles to Coaching: Connell's Dating Journey03:53 - Busting First Date Myths: The Quest for Truth05:19 - Flirting Dos and Don'ts: Avoiding Surprises06:06 - Bill's Journey: Overcoming the First Date Struggle07:11 - Transforming Your Dating Life with Connell's Coaching10:22 - First Kiss Realizations: Making Her Feel Desirable11:01 - Deciphering Women's Desires: A Constant Interest12:39 - Embracing Courage: Transforming Dating Fears18:55 - The First Kiss and Deeper Connections20:18 - Debunking First Date Myths: Quick Insights24:05 - Impressing Women with Authenticity: The Key to Success24:54 - OutroProduced by Heartcast Mediahttps://www.heartcastmedia.com

There is nothing wrong with fear, but there is something very wrong with cowardice. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain self-confidence, and get a great girlfriend, a great partner, and do it with radical authenticity. Authenticity. Authenticity. Note to self. Start a secondary podcast, dental podcast, called Authentucity. Authentucity. Anyway, I am sober even though I don't sound like it. And I'm really psyched about today's episode. I'm just leaving that in.

I'm just leaving it in. We all make mistakes in life. Sometimes it's just hard to clink fearily. Our brains don't work. Today I have a really fun episode idea that I just came up with because it stems from a client success story. Maybe the single most insanely awesome first date client success story I've had in my 10 years as a dating coach. And I'll get to that in a couple seconds. So here's the topic. The topic is, we're going to talk about the three biggest myths about first dates. The three things that you have probably thought, heard, or at least been told, and what to do instead. Basically, these are three common mistakes you might be making if you buy into these myths.

And hey, first dates are important, obviously. Any relationship has to start with a first date, any fling, any situationship, any F buddy, if that's your dating flavor. No judgment here. It's got to start with a first date or a first encounter, first hangout, call it what you will. And if you don't get the first date down well, then you're going to lose out on some opportunities. You're going to miss out. Take it from me, a guy who struggled on first dates a lot back in the day. The reason I became a dating coach is because I used to be terrible at dating. I was in the friend zone. I struggled on first dates. I really struggled with my dating life. And it was only after I fixed all these problems and learned how to fix them in myself and then others that I became a dating coach.

So every time I talk about a problem, every time I talk about something that's not working in your dating life, guess what? I've been there. I struggled with it. I had it and I fixed it. And I remember really struggling with my first dates back in the mid double zeros was when I became single. I was newly single, called off a planned wedding that I did not want to go through. And about two months before the wedding. And then I said, all right, time to become single. And I started going on some dates. And most of them didn't go very well. I rarely was able to create the kind of spark and connection with that given hey, here's how you flirt. Here's how you connect.

Here's how you channel your sense of humor so that you start having some nice, fun, sexy dates. And along the way, I started keeping a list of what I thought was the case in dating and first dates and what the actual truth was. Sort of a myth list. I had this myth list. And so let me talk about the three of the most prevalent first date myths and what you should do instead. And myth number one is this. The idea that you cannot go for a first kiss or quote unquote escalate without it being creepy. A big myth I hear from guys is, oh, I don't want to go for a first kiss. I don't want to make a move. That's creepy. It's wrong. It's inappropriate. Especially now that we're in the Me Too era, an era that I completely agree with and am happy that we're in. But a lot of guys are really in their head about first dates

and they think, oh man, it's just not right to go for a first date. I'm sorry, a first kiss on a first date. And that's a total myth. And the truth is you absolutely do want to go for a first kiss at some point if you and she are vibing relatively well, relatively well. She's paying attention to you. She seems to be enjoying your conversation. And ideally, if you flirted a little bit beforehand, you don't want to surprise her. You don't want to lunge at her and try a first kiss out of nowhere. But if you've given her some signs and signals that you're interested, if you flirted, then going for a first kiss is absolutely a great idea, at least for a nighttime date,

especially if it's a date where there's some alcohol involved, or it's just a nighttime fun nighttime setting if you have a quick 45 minute coffee first date okay probably not first kiss territory but a big myth is oh you know it's wrong weird or creepy to go for that first kiss and i want to tell you about my client i I'm going to call him William. Bill William. I have a client named Bill, and he lives out in the Pacific Northwest. And Bill has had one big sticking point on first dates. By the way, this is a guy who's in his late 30s, and he's had some dating experiences. He's been in a couple of long-term relationships and been on plenty of dates.

But he came to me because he was stuck. He could not go for that first date kiss. Or I should say he was struggling on first dates. And what he and I discovered, or what I discovered was that... I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women,

get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if

Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Conal will stop taking on new clients.

So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. Part of his problem was he just wasn't going for first kisses. Why? He has good reasons for this problem or reasons that make sense in his mind. He used to drink a lot and Bill no longer drinks. And back in his drinking days, if he was on a date or he was at the bars, he got a few cocktails in him.

Making moves, going for that kiss was not tough for him. But sometimes he did it when he really didn't have the signals. He made a couple of women feel uncomfortable. And then he said, you know what, I'm going to get sober, which I 100% believe in. I'm totally sober and I'm a big sober fan. And I coach a lot of sober men. So anyway, so Bill made a totally understandable correction. He said, I don't want to be that guy, that handsy, creepy guy who's macking on girls and doing weird, wrong things on first dates. So he started to tell himself a story, an understandable story, but a false one. And that story is, it's creepy and weird and wrong to go for that first date makeout. He basically would hug

girls goodnight. Maybe if he was feeling really bold, he'd go for a kiss on the cheek. But he just told himself, you know what? It's not gentlemanly. It's not right. It's not gentlemanly to make out with a girl or try to. But that was bothering him because I said, hey, dude, make out with a cutie. They like it, typically, especially when it's a guy as cool and awesome and successful and just generally awesome as Bill. So I said, actually, you know what, Bill? You're actually, it's much, what's more gentlemanly? He thought it was nice and gentlemanly not to kiss a woman on a first date. But then I said, actually, what's nicer and more gentlemanly? To give a girl a first date kiss, make her feel attractive and sexy and turned on, or to not kiss her or try to and make her feel like, gosh, maybe he doesn't like me.

Maybe I'm not the kind of woman he wants. Maybe I'm not attractive enough. And so we started to reframe what a first kiss means, both to him and to her. And he started to realize, hey, wait a minute. It's actually kind of jerky of me to not go for a kiss. Maybe some of these women want me to. And then I gave him one of my favorite little catch phrases that I share with many of my clients. I say, the truth is, man, in all my years of dating, and by the way, I've probably been on a thousand dates in my life, roughly. I have never lost

a woman's interest in me by going for a kiss and not getting it, at least as far as I know. I know that I've lost out on some great wins and romances by wanting to go for that first kiss on the first date, but letting cowardice stop me. And then I lost some many girls that way. I know because some of them told me. Some of them said, sorry, dude, you had your chance back there. You had a perfect chance to kiss me. You didn't do it. I want a man who's going to take some courageous action.

So this is all preface to two very important dates that Bill had. Let's talk about date number one. Had a first date with a really attractive girl named Jill. Not her real name. By the way, not Bill's real name, but I like to use names so you can paint a picture. So Bill had a first date with Jill. Bill and Jill. Bill and Jill went up the hill to have a date. And he pussed out. He went out. He didn't do it. He wanted to go for the first kiss, but he didn't. And we had a good phone coaching session about this after the date. And I was really blunt with them. I said, bro,

let me be really honest with you. You might have lost that girl. Think of the romance you just lost out on because you showed her you didn't have the courage to go for it. Think of the connection, the love you might have just lost because you didn't have the courage to go for it. Think of what your inaction and your timidity cost you. And then I said to him, there is nothing wrong with fear, but there is something very wrong with cowardice. And that really seemed to click with him. Bill used to serve in the armed forces. He was in a branch of the armed services. He's literally been in like firefights and shot his weapons in life or

death situations. And I said, hey man, nothing wrong with fear. You know what fear is like. But you also know that you can't be a coward. You can't be a coward in your military service, which I know he never was. And I said, you can't be a coward with women. Fear is okay. Cowardice is not. And that really seemed to reach him, I'm happy to say. And I thought maybe I'd gone too

far. I thought, oh no, did I just lose a client? Is he going to tell me to go F off? And what do you know, ginger man, about serving in the military? But he took my note with the good intention that I sent it to him. Fast forward to his second date, sorry, a different date with a different woman. And I'll call this woman Becky. I'll call her Becky. So first date with Becky, just a few nights after his date with Jill, Bill and Becky are in the bar. It's about a two-hour date. And he's doing all the things I teach him. He's flirting. He's teasing a little bit. He's being very authentic, opening up, just being really real, letting her see the real him, letting his personality come out, and having a really good time. He brushed the hair out of her eyes a couple times,

and she was touching him back on his knee. So there was some nice reciprocal physical contact back and forth. So then the date's winding down. He says, Hey, let me walk you to your car. And as he's walking Becky to the car, he realizes, Oh man, I can't let another date go by without that first kiss attempt. So he took a deep breath. They got to her car and he moved in and he went for the kiss. He just went for it. He didn't even say anything. He just moved in. She kissed him back. They kissed more passionately. Knees and hands started to roam and touch each other in this parking lot at night at a bar in the Pacific Northwest. They had about a three, four, five minute passionate makeout with her leaning up against her car, Becky's car. And it was getting pretty hot and heavy. It's her first date, by the way. And then Becky says to him, I want you. I want you now. And he said, I do too. I want you now. And then Becky said,

only problem is I have all these boxes and things in my back seat. So we can't do it in my backseat. And then he realized, oh my gosh, she wants to hook up in a car. And then he immediately thought quickly on his feet. He said, well, my car is right over here. Let's just take a walk over to my car. She said, great, lead the way. He took her by the hand. They went to his car. His backseat's much bigger than hers. And I don't need to go further. Let's just say the night ended very well for both of them. They had a backseat car hookup. By the way, I told them in our coaching call, I said, bro, I've been doing this for 10 years as a dating coach. I've been working on my dating life for 18 years. I've never had first date car

nookie. I've never had a first date hookup. And my jaw was on the floor when he told me this story. And I just said to him, well, hey, look what can happen. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed

all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates, become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps.

And attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold, in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. Look what can happen when you make that first date move, when you go for the kiss. Yeah, like she basically, once he showed her that he was a guy who could go for that first kiss then the floodgates opened and she basically said i want you where is this gonna happen she made it she basically almost took more of the lead than he did but that's what can happen when

you make that move you show a woman hey i'm a You're a woman. Why wouldn't we have at least a little kiss on a first date, if not a hot, sexy makeout? And then who knows what can happen? By the way, first date sex, I don't really care whether you have first date sex or not. Totally fine if you both want that. It can also go a lot slower. You could wait three, four, five, 10 dates. All good. Totally up to you. Totally up to her. I just wanted to tell you the Bill and Becky story to show you what was possible. Once you say it's time for courage, it's time to go for that first date kiss. So ignore that myth that it's weird and creepy to go for a first date kiss. It can lead to some amazing things and it can lead to the quote unquote ride of your life. You know what I mean? So yeah,

Bill is a new man. Okay. That's myth number one. I'll plow through these other two myths pretty quickly about first dates. First date myth number two is this idea that you have to score a lot of points to get her into you. You don't have to score a lot of points. You actually, really what you got to have to do is eliminate mistakes. You know what this reminds me of? I'm a tennis addict. I love tennis. I've been playing tennis all my life since I was 12, 13. And I was listening to a great tennis podcast recently. And the pro on the podcast was saying, you know what? The problem with tennis players these days, weekend players, is that they're trying to hit winners all the time. They're trying to play like

Federer hit all these winners. But if you just remove your mistakes, or at least remove the dumb, easy mistakes, you're going to have a great match. You're probably going to win because the other person's going to make more mistakes. And I thought, what a cool analogy to dating. Not that your date is your opponent. I don't mean that part. She's not. She's someone, she's your teammate. She's your collaborator. But on first dates, you don't have to score tons of points. What you want to do is just eliminate mistakes. Don't feel like you have to be the most charismatic, funniest, incredible, wittiest, coolest guy in the history of the world. You don't. You just have to be authentic. You have to be sincere and remove some mistakes. Remove mistakes like long, awkward pauses. Remove mistakes like interview mode. Remove mistakes like only asking questions and not offering anything. Remove mistakes like talking about yourself and first kiss if you feel like there's a reasonable

vibe. So just remove those mistakes. I'm reminded of a first date I had with my then future girlfriend, Lorraine. Now she's my ex-girlfriend. It's been a long time. But she said something amazing on our first date. And I still remember it, which is this. She said, guys think that they need to score points with us on dates. But you don't. Actually, you start off with points. And then you lose them. And that's when we lose interest. It's when you lose the points that you begin with. So stop trying to score points on dates. Just eliminate really

easy to eliminate mistakes. Okay. Let's finish with one more thing. We're going to do the third myth, first date myth, which is, gosh, there's so many. What's a good one to end on? I would say a really good final myth that guys get wrong about first dates is feeling like the myth is she won't like me for me. I've got to be cool. I got to be cool. And that's actually a big mistake because you don't want to be cool. You want to be authentic. You want to show her the real you. Guys think they need to impress a woman. And again, say the cool lines or do the most amazing, incredible game. Bottom line is, if you stop trying to impress her and instead try to express your authentic self, you're actually going to be showing her your best, most attractive self. And then you're going to have a really good first date.

Or at least you're going to have a much better first date than you've been having. Okay, those are three of the many first date myths. Maybe we'll talk about more in a future episode. Until next time. And remember, your future girlfriend, she's out there. She already likes you. She just has to meet the real you. Until next time.

Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.