How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 3 Hidden Reasons Why Women Lose Interest in You—and How to Keep Them Attracted Long-Term! with Johnny Cassell

Episode Date: March 13, 2025

Have you ever had things start great with a woman only for her to suddenly pull away and say, “I’m not looking to date right now”? The truth is, that’s probably her polite way of saying, “I���m just not interested in you.” In this episode, renowned London-based dating coach Johnny Cassell reveals 3 hidden reasons why women lose interest—and how to keep them attracted to you for the long haul.You’re About to Learn:02:20: Why You Must First “Date Yourself” to Attract a Wonderful Girlfriend18:55: How NOT To Go from a “Wild Tiger to Tubby Housecat” in Her Eyes19:53: How to Escape the “Yawn Zone” When You Talk to Women20:12: Johnny’s Amazing Drill to Flirt at Starbucks And ALSO Get a Free Coffee!22:44: How Connell Approached and Instantly Attracted His Future Girlfriend30:19: The Right Way to Approach a Large Group of Women at a Bar—and the Wrong Way44:44: Johnny’s Secret to Talking to Women of Intimidating Beauty1:01:00: The One Action You Should Take this Week to Improve Your Love LifeListen now to attract—and keep—that incredible woman’s interest!LEARN MORE ABOUT JOHNNY CASSELL OR TO APPLY TO WORK WITH HIM:http://www.johnnycassell.comFOLLOW JOHNNY ON INSTAGRAM:@‌LondonDatingCoachTO BOOK A FREE 1-1 CONSULTATION CALL WITH CONNELL TO SEE IF 1-1 COACHING IS RIGHT FOR YOU:http://www.datingtransformation.com

you're displaying yourself as this wild, untamable sort of tiger and you get softer and softer and softer until you turn into a little like a tubby domestic house cat. That's when you lose attraction. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I am here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates, and get a fantastic girlfriend and do it with authenticity. No toxic manipulation BS, none of that. And today I wanna talk about maybe not just how to get a great girlfriend,

but how to have a great relationship with yourself, which is going to help you attract a great girlfriend. And we're gonna talk about that and other things with my guest today, his name is Johnny Cassell. Johnny is a London-based dating and lifestyle strategist. He's also a student of human behavior and he specializes in confidence and relationship building. He's got over a decade of experience working with high network clients of all shapes

and sizes in the London area and he's a big expert in the world of dating and personal development. He's also the author of a book called Elite Seduction and you might have seen him in the Sunday Times Sky News BBC radio if you're familiar with life over on the other side of the pond and he's also on Instagram and YouTube and you can Learn more about Johnny at Johnny casel comm that's ca s s e l l Comm Johnny welcome to the how to get a girlfriend podcast I Welcome to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I charge hourly and I'm very expensive, but I'm open to it. Yeah, thanks for being here.

I'm always psyched to talk to another male expert because there's a lot of things we have in common and there's probably going to be some fun things that we differ on or just have complimentary views on. So Johnny, I want to start by asking you something we were talking about before we started recording, which is the idea of making sure that a single guy first has a good relationship with himself before he finds the right girlfriend, the right woman to have for his partner in a relationship. Can you elaborate on that? Why is it important to first be good with you before you attract a girlfriend?

Well, first of all, I think it's completely unreasonable to be asking for the best of someone else if we haven't got to the best place for ourselves. So what does that mean? I mean, if we're in a bit of a hiatus right now, we've come out of a long-term relationship, we may have lost parts of ourselves that gave us joy, right? We dedicated our whole life to the relationship, if there's kids involved, there's that too. Work took its toll on us.

We forgot about the things that give us joy. So a great hack would be to think, okay, what are those things that actually lift me up, make me feel good, give me that euphoric moment in my life? Whether it be music, sports, hanging out with friends, it could be simply just sitting down watching a film that you used to watch for nostalgia. Whatever those things are, take the time to reconnect with them. I mean, the other day, you know, I went out for a walk by myself, right? And I think there's a lot to be said on actually taking the time to take yourself out on a date.

Right? There's a lot of peace that comes with that, especially if you live a busy lifestyle. So we all know the work that we need to do as well. A lot of us just kind of put it off. There was a great post-fight talk that I saw from Conor McGregor when he was having a lot of his fights. And it was one of the fights that he lost. And you know what he's like. He plays the role. He plays the character.

He's a cocky, arrogant guy. It sells tickets, right? And he said, his quote was, yeah, we all know what the work is we need to do. We just need to get on and do it. And he himself said, you know, I didn't put the work in and I let myself down, I let my team down, I let everyone around, I let the fans down. So take stock of where you are and work out what those things are

to be the 2.0 version of yourself. I love that idea. Taking yourself out for a date. Finally a date I know that won't end in the friend zone for me. A solo. Impossible, right? I know I'm going to get lucky.

I know it. Talk a little, that about this fascinating concept. Why does that help a man with the women he meets? Is it that women can sense a guy who just feels good about himself? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, there's a lot that comes from it. I mean, if I was to think about that day where I took myself out for a walk, I'm being more observational, I'm enjoying the small things like grabbing a coffee, walking through the markets, having a bit of a back and forth with the shopkeepers, the charity workers or the people at the food stall, just seeing

if I can find opportunities to have humor between individuals. I'm just having a good time by myself and I think if if we look at our interactions and you have this problem of seeking for approval Then this is a good exercise for you because it proves to yourself that you can go out and just have a good time Yeah, you're you're amusing yourself and inviting other people into that amusement. That's attractive. Yeah. Yeah.

One of my very first coaches helped me approach women, get really good at quote unquote, old school pickup. And I remember he used to always talk about, you want to amuse yourself. You got to draw your positive state from inside of you. Because if a woman feels like you're relying on her to make you happy, that can be repellent to women, right? Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. We've got to be the value adder. We've got to be looking at ways to add value,

where it's our energy, where we are on the hierarchy in our careers and in life. To me, that's the essence of masculinity, or one of the essences of masculinity, is giving. And in fact I saw a video you did right before we hopped on, I was doing a little research because I try to be prepped. And you did a video, it ran somewhere on YouTube, where you said the masculine is about giving and the feminine is about receiving. That's nature.

And what I'm hearing you say, and feel free to elaborate and correct me if I'm wrong, is the masculine is giving. And that's a very generous place to come from, right? It is, it is. And of course, if we are doing all those things, going out, making the money, taking care of the home, making the money, you know, taking care of the home, you know, take, make, doing as much as we can so she doesn't have to adopt masculine traits,

then you are going to experience a woman that is truly in her feminine. The more strain you have on yourself, and then you kind of have to cooperate the household, then she's going to adapt more masculine traits. So it's just, I mean, that, that obviously exists, right. And, and it's a, it's a polarity in all of us that we have, you know, the masculine and the feminine, but if you truly want a woman to be completely

in a feminine, then you have to adopt the masculine traits. How do we, how does a man convey those traits in a way that is authentic, genuine to who he is, at the same time, good quote unquote strategy that women notice? I think one thing we can all do, right, is a simple little task is when you when you next go to a restaurant, it's taking the leadership of maybe ordering the food, right? Like ask, would you mind

if if I could if I have a few suggestions, would you mind if I take the duty order? Cool, like, that's attractive. She's being led, you're you're you're leading her to the experience, right? When it comes to dates, like we we know this like we have this on day one Right when we meet a woman we get a number. We want to prove to them that with with a man, right? So you're saying look, okay Meet me next Wednesday eight o'clock at this restaurant. So straight away. She's okay. This guy's you know, he's taking care of things That's attractive us. That's cool. He's got it. But then what slowly seems to happen is, you know,

we get softer and softer and softer in the relationship. So it's like you're displaying yourself as this wild, untamable sort of tiger and you get softer and softer and softer until you turn into a little like a tubby domestic house cat that's when you lose attraction it happens to the best of us man like it happens the best because because things things are nice right things are nice things are good things are going well you know don't I

don't necessarily need to go out and be the planner and once you got the girl that the game doesn't stop it It's just a different game. Yeah, you start off as a lion, you end up Garfield. Exactly. And you wonder why she's losing interest. It's true, I got a client and he had a bit of a hiatus coming out of a relationship. And then I picked him back up.

And we literally just had one session. I gave him some suggestions. And he went onto the social activity, met a girl, and he was just getting back into his fitness, right? Because he wanted to be more masculine looking. He wanted to look more attractive. And I'm keeping my eye on this relationship and I'm starting to see Garfield sort of make

rear his head out a little bit again. You know, so it's like, come on guys. How does Garfield come out for him? Well, it's obviously, you know, just being a bit sloppy with the diet, being a bit sloppy with, you know, working, working out. Lasagna, coffee. Yes, yes. Getting a bit too comfortable at home, right?

Forgetting about the things that made you attractive in the first place, right? And also as well, which I think is a big attraction killer, is not having your own life, right? So we got back in touch with ourself whilst we're single, we got the relationship, and then we ditch that part of ourselves again. Right? So again, it goes back to the first point about reconnecting

with the person that you were, you lost touch of keep it. Yeah. Keep it there because the only source of joy, if the only source of joy is coming from your relationship, you're doomed. You really are because all it takes is one hiccup there, one argument, and it feels like your whole world's falling apart But if you've got solace in community and activities events, you know, you've got access to these things then it's It's gonna feel less hard on you. I Just had a bit of a flashback to something that happened to me man

20 years ago. I think you just helped me have a breakthrough. Oh, really? I realized now. So when I first started working on my dating life, it was 2005. That was not when I actively said, Connell, you suck at dating. You've got to get good at this. And one of the first incredible women I connected with, her name was Lorraine, badass, amazing woman. She's a doctor now. And when we met, I was this amazing planner. I was Mr. Lion, Mr. Tiger, because I'd kind of read, that's what you need to be, but it wasn't really inside of me yet.

Three or four months later, she ended it. Essentially, I'd become Garfield. I realized, you know what? I just wasn't quite enough man for her at that time. You're just blowing my mind here. I realized, no one... I was doing quite enough man for her at that time. So you're just blowing my mind here I realized no one I was doing an impression of that tiger that lion, but really I was still Garfield and she said I need a lion Yeah, yeah, but we need to feel the pain, you know in order to us to To make the change and for it to really be embedded inside us as a as a solid lesson You mean we have to understand the problem and feel it before we can make that change? Yeah, a lot of us do. I mean, you know, it's like you're at school when it's like, you know, you got the Bunsen burner burning,

you know, you know not to put your hand on the Bunsen burner, but you know there's that daft kid that is going to put his hand on the Bunsen burner, and you go, ow, what'd you do that for? You know, suck it. But he's not gonna do that again. He's not gonna do that again, you know? When I was younger, we had like a rescue dog and never got on with this dog. Hated all of my friends. You know, my friends used to have to come and like,

my mom used to have to hold the dog back and they used to run up the stairs and like secretly try to get in my room without the dog seeing. It was vicious and you know I was young, I was naive and I was squirting this dog with a water pistol. My dad goes don't do that it's going to bite you, it's going to bite you. Karen squirting, squirting, squirting, expending. My hand's in the dog's mouth, I never did it again. So it's that isn't it? Even like you and I, we're in a position where we can help many. And sometimes we don't listen to our own lessons, our own teachings.

Well, success feels good. Results feel great, but they're not necessarily the best teachers. Sometimes you need to burn your hand on the Bunsen burner to say never again. Mm-hmm Or learn or as Lorraine basically said to me in so many words You're not enough man for me Connell come back to me in a couple years. Maybe It's hard isn't it? I yeah, I also had a friend that He was such a charmer, you know,. He had landed this beautiful model Russian blonde girlfriend. They had a few years between them. And then one day she just turned around and she goes, you know what?

It's not going to work between you and I. And he said, well, where's this will come from? You have no assets so how are you able to look after us if it becomes a problem between us? You know that when I heard that story I was like wow I mean that's hard but that's a very good lesson right and I remember yeah on just on the same sort of realm of that I remember being at a pre BAFTA party here in London this is a quite it's like going back ten years ago and it was the who's who of the scene I mean I knew a few actors there but I didn't know all the big wigs you know the directors and producers all this stuff and I was at the bar

I was chatting to this bit of an older lady and had been in that scene for a while and We got talking about how much money a man should make You know and she goes well, you know, I I tried dating a guy that was earning Under a hundred grand before. It didn't really work. And I was just like, whoa, I was a young guy at the time, you know, I was like, well, I mean, a hundred grand is quite a lot of money for me. You know, that's quite a lot of money.

But it was an eye opener back then because she had a point you know if someone's I think a lot of us haven't haven't thought about the money you know we learned that this whole all the dating stuff like how to how to get how to attract a woman how to be more charismatic have a right mindset but we haven't looked at about getting our money right and what happens is you you can build yourself to be the most charismatic, charming guy, you know, speak like James Bond and the rest of it. But if you haven't worked on the core stuff, you're just a placeholder for someone else when they come along.

Just like my friend, right, as he was called out by his girlfriend. And just like this woman rightfully said, I mean, 100 grand a year, it's a lot of money in some districts, but depending on where you are, it's probably treble that that you need to make. Because you're thinking about, well, that's my money, you know, I need another hundred to maybe retire my partner, you know, or, you know, looking after the parents or whatever and investments and stuff like that. So I guess, you know, for the when I'm not working with the guys that have already got that stuff sorted out, that's, that's also another conversation I'm having with with guys just to make them aware of that kind of things, because otherwise

you're just a short term hold. Okay. On the topic of money and status. one thing I noticed early on in my figuring out success with women in my journey was how women notice our behaviors. Big, small, nuanced, the way we talk to the bartender, the way we talk to the waiter, all the little sub-communications that come out. I just noticed that women noticed. And I made a mental note early on to not always be on, I didn't want to get in my head about it, but to just always be aware that hey, a woman's going to always be noticing how we're behaving, especially in those first few dates, few interactions when she's taking

you in. And that can convey your sense of confidence, your sense of status or lack thereof. What's your take on that? Do you agree? Do you disagree? What have you noticed in your dating coaching and your dating past? Absolutely.

I mean, I think essentially in communication, we're looking to break the expected pattern. When you go out, there is an obvious cliche pattern that exists socially. It's what do you do, where are you from, how old are you? That kind of, the yawn zone I call that. Come on man, we can do better than that. If we've said to ourselves, I am getting better at this area, I want to improve my communication, you are not going out saying that stuff. We can do better, okay? If you're bored of hearing yourself say the same thing,

the chances are that will then be transmitted, right? That will be received in that way, no matter what you say. You're bored, she's gonna be bored. Right, exactly, so it's, we've gotta get back to the self-amusement, right? I mean, I found myself the other day speaking to new set of girls and I was like, hi, hi, enjoying the party? Yes, yes, cool.

I go, oh my God, I'm looking after a cat at the moment. Like what? Like, yeah, I got this, I just been dumped this bloody cat. I go, well, yeah, and I started getting pictures out, sort of videos. I go, oh, what's his name? I go, bastard. He go, well, yeah, I started getting pictures out, sort of videos. So I go, Oh, what's his name? I go bastard. What? Go thing bastard. What do you mean? It's called bastard. Well, I go it's called DD, but it's called bastard because he's a he's a bastard. Like he's running around. He's a he's a

jungle cat. You know, he's hissing. He's clawing me. I just want to hug the poor guy. You know is an amazing experience for just meeting someone. They're gonna remember that. But I'm running. And why does that work? Why did that work, if you could break that down for our listener? It works straight away because, like I said,

you're breaking an expected pattern, right? She's gonna have interactions that lack imagination that whole evening or whatever that social playground is. And if you're the sixth guy that says pretty much the same thing, it's just not enough to carry it over the line. You know? It's not enough to make impact. So in every social scenario you've got to think what's the pattern here I need to break? Like this is one we can all You know, it's not enough to make impact. So in every social scenario, you've got to think, what's the pattern here I need to break? Like this is one we can all relate to.

Like maybe we go to the Starbucks or Costa or whatever it is and we order a coffee. Your goal is to get a free coffee, right? And you do that just by choosing to put a smile on the server's face. Okay. You, you can just, you know, we've all got the ability to give us have a silly name on that cup.

You know, when she says, Oh, what's your name? You put Spiderman or Snoop Dogg or silly bollocks or whatever it is. And then she's going to shout that out. Right. And then you've made her laugh, right? You've made others around you laugh, right? It's so easy to let open up whoever's around you because you're the funny guy. I never do that. I Yeah, I do the opposite. I do the opposite. I need your coaching at Starbucks. So here's what I do

Here's what I fuck up. My name's Connell and nobody gets it right. I get Colin and Connor Right carnal just my porn star name a totally different identity And I got a Starbucks when I go to Starbucks. I do the opposite of your good advice I just I give them my middle name just Timothy because I don't I just want them to get the order right, but you know What yeah, that's boring. I'm gonna be spider-man from now on yeah, and that comes from where it comes from Deciding that today I'm going to go out and I'm going to be playful or I'm going to go out and fuck with people. I saw a guy, I saw a guy the other day and he was riding a penny father.

You know, like those Victorian big will front and like a small little frame and a small on the back Yeah, it's like 19th century. Yeah. Yeah Yeah How did he wake up and think? This is the plan today Like he knows his commute. You mean I don't know. I don't think so. I thought yeah, he goes Oh, he's obviously just started his day in fort. You know what?

I'm gonna take the bike out today and i'm gonna I'm gonna ride it through a busy district that's the plan today I mean as ridiculous as that is we've got to take something from that guy you know like we've got to go out and think you know what's the plan today well how can I have a playful day because I think a lot of pressure is put on ourselves here when you realize that okay everything does come from the cold approach everything comes from your next interaction and next you know your next a lot of pressure is put on ourselves. When you realize that, okay, everything does come from the cold approach. Everything comes from your next interaction, your next business opportunity,

your next romantic partner, your next useful friendship. You've got to break patterns and it starts by you choosing to go out there and be playful and giving people a different experience. I love that. I can't agree more. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the

apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped. Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach

in America and now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend so go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me on our call I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. So the love of my life of the 2010s, I dedicated my book to her. Her name is Alex.

Wow, that's cute. Here's how I approached her. I'm at a club in Vegas and I'm thinking, I see this beautiful blonde sitting with her bored friends. They're all bored. And I just know every guy is coming up and either just hitting on her sloppily or giving her the, what did you call it? The yawn? What was it? The yawn zone. Yeah.

The yawn zone. And I said, okay, I'm going to try something more fun. And I'd been taking improv classes and I was doing all this character work. So I walk over to her, I unbutton my shirt down to my belly button, and I pretend to be like a Latin lover character. And I walk up and I say, hello, I am Armando. Sorry, guys. And she just busts out laughing, it goes great.

She calls me Armando for the whole weekend, which we spend together, and she became one of the great loves of my life I'm grateful to convey. And I say that not to impress my listener, I'm just saying you can have fun with this. You can find fun pattern-breaking ways to approach a woman or to talk with somebody at Starbucks. Just like you say, break that pattern. Absolutely. And I think as well, it's something that I've done a lot with my guys is, you know, it's just like, if you imagine yourself back in that scenario there, you know, where you saw her friends, there was something you told yourself, right?

There was some self-talk that was going on. Right. And a lot of the time when you get back to that place, it may be something like she's mine, right? Or, Oh, I got to give it a go I'm gonna take my shot right or it's on and I think what's really helpful is just to come up with that little buzz phrase so we can press go on that every time we see an opportunity because if we don't have that positive reinforcement, we're gonna listen to the other side, which is,

oh, what's the point? She probably goes for this type of guy or that guy. Oh, no, she's not gonna like you. And you'll listen to that. Right. Rather than bring out Armando. Turn it over to Armando. Yeah, she called me Armando for weeks.

Take me into your coaching. Take us behind the curtain. Do you have any fun stories? Any great... I love the anecdote you shared about your clients talking to women. I should say you self-amusing yourself. Do you have any fun stories of you and your clients out in the field doing it, or your clients out doing it? All the time.

I mean, you know, we did a workshop last month, and we got one coming up this week, but, this guy, you know, I was speaking to him, Priya, he's part of my online community, but he hadn't done done we hadn't worked together in person before and I thought that He would need a lot of handholding Because he was telling him it was he was caught up in this dark in a game place where he wasn't filled with positivity It was you know, it looked like we'd be pushing for a lot of resistance

But in actual fact, like he smashed it. He really threw himself at it. And this isn't like, wow, but this is something that can be done, which I think is often overlooked. We did some daytime interactions, some daytime approaching and he approached this girl and it went well. I think he was surprised how well it was received. She was receiving him and I was sitting there

watching it go down and just taking some notes on what was happening and he comes back and he relays back to me what was said on all this kind of stuff and I go great man you and you you got the number right he goes no no okay all right well I got I see that she's still in the distance I go look you're gonna run back there and you're gonna you're gonna get the number I guess I say listen to me nine times out of ten she will give you the number, right? Think about it, it doesn't make sense that you just, you approached her, you had this amazing interaction and you left with nothing,

it's like what? They've left, they've let the village idiot out for the day, you know, you just go around approaching people, like no, she can't be left thinking that was what just happened, right? At least give her the reassurance of like oh no I was actually hitting on you you know so he went and did that and he was overjoyed he got the number and I think that really sort of gave him a breakthrough and now there was another guy really wanted to push it that day and out in the evening we was doing some approaching and you know we've got comfortable approaching the groups and you know single ladies and all this kind of stuff and he was like give me a give me a bit more of a challenge I go hmm all right well there's there's a guy

there with two ladies I mean I wouldn't imagine he's sleeping with both of them you know like that one's one's's gotta be available surely, right? But we need to find out. So I kind of gave him something to say to go and speak to the guy. And the guy turned around and he was like, oh no, this is my girlfriend and this is my cousin. So it was, we didn't want to kind of like break up

the family on that one, but I really give the guy kudos for really pushing through and, and, yeah. And that's scary. It can be so scary to walk up when there's a dude there. Yeah, it can, it can be. It was definitely a breakthrough for me. And it's an interesting one because I've also been in a position where I've been that guy, right? Where I've been the guy with a girlfriend of mine

at the time and a few of our friends. And then the guy has seen an opportunity. So the guy has gone straight to one of the girls and approached her. Now I've got no reason to have my backup about it, but I observed what I was feeling at the time I was kind of pissed it was like you know you're not yes part of it being ego absolutely but it's like when you look at those dynamics it's like a lion and it's pride you know and

you can't just go and jump on one of the lionesses you got you got to go and speak to the lion first you know you've got a kind of have a chat and you know see if it's a bit of free zebra going around or something like that you know and and then maybe maybe he he gonna let you know what's what the story is with the situation let me ask you this this is a great topic I get this question a lot so I'll ask you to answer it I'd love to hear your take a Man's in a lounge a bar and he sees two or three attractive women and there's at least one guy in the mix Should he go approach and if so, how should he do it?

What are the social dynamics he needs to navigate and he do's and don'ts there? Well, absolutely. I mean the the key thing we need to get to is What's the story right like your rational thinking is thinking what I used to think was you know looking and go off he's sleeping of all of them what what where's that come from it's just nonsense so I don't have to do it Yeah, so coming up with a reason to get out of doing something I want to do. Yes. So that's uncomfortable to do. Yeah. But whenever we find ourselves in that place of reaching for an excuse, it's to take note of that and go, okay, let's go find out. So your excuse actually is your opener. You know, it could be like, dude, I had to come over because you're part of me was thinking you were sleeping with all of them.

It's Johnny, by the way. You know, so your excuses, your opener, just like, you know, the girls wearing our headphones. Yeah, we've all had it. You know, you've had you've walked around with your headphones in someone starts talking. You don't just just just stand there and carry on listening to your music. You know, you take them off stand there and carry on listening to your music. You take them off and go, yeah, what's up? But for some reason we go, oh, no, we can't because she's got her headphones in. I'm often walking around with my headphones in, I'm not even listening

to anything. But anyway, but circle back around to that dynamic is we've got to find out who the girlfriend is. So you've got to acknowledge the guy guy you've got. Okay, what's the story? So he's gonna go. Oh, this is my girlfriend, you know, it's it's so and so's birthday So then you know, you've got the information you're obviously not gonna step on his toes. That's just being an idiot and If you've got a situation, I mean one of my favorite stories this is um It's actually gonna feature in a book that's going to come out soon. Um, I was working with this guy who was a bit of like a tech mogul and he, he was a former Jehovah witness, like such a contrast in life that he,

he was moved himself into. And, um, we worked together throughout this week and you know he was petrified of women, got very comfortable and we walked into this bar and we saw this couple and what appeared to be this beautiful like Colombian model right I'm looking at that and I'm going, okay, well, she's available. She's available. Like she's not part of the, she might be part of the couple. I don't know what dynamic they got going on, but we don't know that, right?

So I look around what's happened. I go, okay, they're there. They're drinking white wine. I'm thinking how should we approach it? And she's already looked over a couple of times at him, right? They're there, they're drinking white wine, and I'm thinking, how should we approach it? And she's already looked over a couple of times at him, right? So there's already been that nonverbal interest. And I come up with something, I go, okay, cool.

Here's what we're going to do. Go to the bar and get a mouth, like we were already drinking Malbec like red wine, right? So it's like go to the bar and get a Malbec then slowly move over to a hold eye contact and then slowly remove her glass from her hand and replace it with the red and Say something along the lines of a girl like you definitely looking like that definitely should be drinking a red and then Slowly move your eyes off and then come walk back to me. Oh God, it was the, it was, I mean, she did look like a Bond girl

and that is exactly what she needed to experience in that moment. You just painted that picture and I could see the James Bond movie happening in front of me. Yeah, well, I've just had a writer write that and I do hope it is read in the way that I'm able to tell it because it's okay it's a beautiful moment so that then

happened right and then what we needed from her is to show some availability right so she had to then splinter off the interaction in order for him to make this a verbal interaction now. And I said to him, I like, look, that's what's going to happen next. She's going to move her over here and she's going to make, give us an opening and interaction be able to happen. And that's what happened. You know, he was looking over my shoulder.

I was looking over here. I was like, yeah, here she comes, buddy. And he slowly moved over. And then I think the first words that came out of his mouth goes, um, I don't believe I've met you properly yet. You know, I don't believe we've done names yet or something like that. I mean, it was just smooth dialogue. Swab. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Those are the moments we live by. I mean, yes, there's been amazing stories of marriage and You know picking people up from you know when they've fallen down at all this kind of stuff But I really like those movie moments that come with this line of work, you know, it's it's you feel like You've got enough to write You know write a good script

What about your dating past? Tell me a little bit about, I don't know that much about you, why you became a coach or how. Did you struggle with women or were you good at it and wanted to share your knowledge? Tell us a little bit about your origin story. Absolutely. I mean, there's the conscious level

and there's the unconscious level. And the unconscious level of realizing why you're on the path that you're on I think comes to the surface a bit later in life and that came through certain books that I read about understand a bit more about psychology on a deeper level and you know what sort of things we inherit you know what sort of things we inherit from our parents and all this kind of stuff but you know my my early school life you know if we go all the way back to like the sexes right of boy and girl like mixing my early school life was unpleasant and I so unpleasant that I actually forgot about it I don't know if it was just pushed down because it was so bad like like it wasn't sort of on a conscious level for me but I used to go to school at like I

know five six years old and I was getting kicked to shit by girls like I was coming home with bruises all over my legs my mom had to go to the school and and report it to the head teacher. It was a serious thing. Definitely something that you'd be worried about as a parent, you know? And it kind of just like that just went away. And then I went to, yeah, we've,

high school was like an all-boys school. So did five years there and I did another five years Did time? Great great time man. Great time. I mean, I think I think a lot a lot I learned about the social sciences You know on the playground more than anything, you know And then I did five years studying motorsport engineering okay so those are kind of also important elements because I learned I did learn a lot on the playground on a social level about all the different tribe leaders and you know I guess I was I was always sat alighting around the

playground every lunchtime like mixing of all the different tribe leaders. And, um, you know, kind of, I'll take responsibility for it. I feel like our year group was quite strong because I, I behaved that way. I was able to kind of pull people together a lot. Um, but motorsport engineering, it taught me about being more of a solution based thinker. Okay. Like there's, because you, you have to have an answer. engineering, it taught me about being more of a solution based thinker. Okay.

Like this, because you have to have an answer. Yeah, you have to. There has to be a reason why that thing is making that noise. You've put something back together wrong. So how or how do we improve something? How do we make something more efficient? So I never went to do motorsport engineering. I loved messing around on fast things, but I just kind of took that way of thinking

into what was a newfound passion of mine, you know, the social sciences. And I think, you know, why did it, why was I really interested and passionate about it? Wasn't really aware of it at the time as to why. But there was a certain feeling inside when I started going to the book shelf in the water stones and Barnes and Noble and stuff like this that I was getting when I was picking up these books. Like it was something inside me that was igniting and I can only really put it down to now as to well, this is a solution This is solution for me to overcome. You know what I'd experienced

Because every time I was around girls I Was at that age I was I was experiencing resistance and I couldn't I couldn't wonder why why was this happening to me? mmm, and of course it was the early things and Why was this happening to me? And of course it was the early things. Mom and dad, I think it's important, we must look at mom and dad. If we're having problems in this era of life, we must look at the relationship

that we've had with mom and dad or what they've gone through. And what I'd experienced at an early age is my mom had always struggled with being a social person. And I looked at, I think, why? Why does she suffer from this? Never really had proper friends and all that kind of stuff. And she lost her mom at a young age.

She lost her mum when she was 11 years old. Her mum was 30 and she died on her honeymoon from taking the birth control pill. It was tragic. She was getting married to her second husband. And then her father, my granddad, lost interest in the whole family, basically because he got interest in his new love interest. So essentially my mum grew up without any sort of support, you know, with, through that parents would give you and it really meddled with her self-confidence and self-esteem.

So I've seen how limiting life can be when you don't have social skills and confidence and didn't realize that, didn't realize that was an influence for me on my path until later on. My dad's always been more of a, you know, my dad's runs his own business. And he's always been fanatical about fitness and, you know, run marathons, coach down the boxing gym, all the fitness classes and stuff. So again,

that's something else later in life that I realized where I get the coaching element from. So that's the origins. It's crazy how we can see these patterns that emerge inside of us based on our parents. I had relationships in the past where I realized, oh my gosh, I'm just like my mom and dad in the sense that we never talk about anything real. We only talk about quote unquote the weather. And I thought, I think I need to be a bit more vulnerable and open. And not to say that's not no judgment of my parents.

It's just something that maybe I picked up from them and I needed to make a change there. Exactly. Exactly, it's seeing what we experience from them and having a building awareness around it and go, oh, okay, that's why I'm like this. But it doesn't mean I have to be like this. It's just why I am like this. The same thing why you might be drawn into dysfunctional relationships or you know people that are emotionally distant yeah probably because one of your parents was absent right or you've been let down from your earliest reference points of who was supposed to

give you love your parents so you find it incredibly difficult to give your everything to someone because you feel that there might be a this might be the second time someone lets you down through a love dynamic relationship. So there's a lot of stuff like that. But yeah like that's that's kind of like the roots of it all and I found all this stuff and I started teaching my friends you know. I started But yeah, like that's that's kind of like the roots of it all. I found all this stuff and I started teaching my friends, you know, started teaching my friends, didn't want to to begin with, to be honest, because I thought I found something I was like, why not? I'm going to get all the girls. And I realized I hit a ceiling by sort of keeping it to myself at the beginning.

I was going out and I was trying different things that I wouldn't normally be doing in social situations. Do you have a Hall of Fame moment? I guess I'm asking you to brag. I'm giving you permission to brag if you want to. A night where you went out and approached the most beautiful woman there or you said something that was really self-amusing or just a moment where you just like stepped up and had a hero moment? Any moments from your dating past jump out to you? There's been so many you know there really has has because like the early, like in my early early days like like 20s like

some of the earliest breakthroughs, I remember there being like going to this club and it would be like this place we go every Tuesday it was market like an every Tuesday sort of uni sort of people and you know a very sort of young place and there was always these two girls that were like the girls that everyone sort of had a crush on, you know? And it might have been that they were more attracted to the guys that were maybe like a year older than you, you know, like and worked out a little bit more, you know, wore a tighter t-shirt, you wasn't part of the tight t-shirt crew, so I had to work it a different way. But I remember, we went out and we went to a friend's gig,

first of all, it was at a different place around the corner. And I'm always supporting my friends, I've got a big passion for music, always have done. So we were supporting our friends and they played, and then What the guys wanted to do after the gig was just sort of sit around and just sort of drink and sort of bum Around of the band and I knew next door the place was heaving with girls and I was like I Was getting anxiety. I was like guys like What we're doing it and

I said to my friends like that, let's get out of here. And we went next door. A few of us came. And, but then we had a little place and everyone was sort of drinking. And no one was really making any moves, reproaching or interacting. I'd always use these sort of social events

to get myself out there and practice. And I'd always use these sort of social events to get myself out there and practice. And I'd splinter off, I'd go right into the bathroom and then but what I would do is I'd approach two women or a group or something. Something would happen, you know, it'd have to happen. I'd need to walk away of something every night, you know, a new experience. So I approached these two girls. They were the most attractive girls in there and I can't remember exactly what I said but I just remember that night being a huge breakthrough for me because I had the courage to

approach those two beautiful girls in the place. And they were together or separately? They were together. Okay. Yeah they were together. That's intimidating for some men Maybe not you at that time. Maybe it was but it certainly was it certainly was so that's why it took me such a long time to have the courage to Approach girls of that beauty. Yeah time, you know, I Just remember walking away from wow It wasn't as bad as what I thought it would as how it would go.

Wow. And then I started thinking, what else is possible? This is crazy. Well, I love that story because it reminds me of the importance of turning what you think is something scary or fearful and using it to your advantage. What I mean is, and tell me if you agree with this, I'd love to hear your view, but I've noticed that women know how hard it is for men to approach them, many of us.

And so when you approach a woman who's with a friend or with a guy there and you still have the courage to walk up and shoot your shot, the fact that you're doing a higher difficulty level can really spark some attraction in her because she realizes, boy this guy doesn't care, he just came right up to me. Yeah, exactly. That's an opportunity. So basically the scarier an opening a quote-unquote set is, the bigger the group, the hotter the girls, that's more of a chance to create something because

you're gonna, you know, high risk high reward, right? 100% what the reality is? I mean you're absolutely right, you know, because it's it's given off clues like wow This guy goes through life and gets what he wants. I feel i'm gonna feel safe around this guy You know like he's just going to be handling shit But the reality is of the groups They're easier a lot of think a lot of people, well the groups, oh god there's so many of them, it's not difficult, it's just different. And think of it, they can afford to lose one, you know? If you hit it off with one, they can afford to lose one. If it's just two girls, you know, you've got a bit of a situation there, like they're they're with each other you know you can't splinter one

off um but i will tell you because i've been writing a little bit recently about breakthroughs and another one was you know one of my first daytime approaches like i never done it i never really did it was such a taboo. How mad is that? I think it's because conventionally, that's where we meet people in the evening, right? Normally it's not frowned upon to maybe meet someone at a bar, but to interrupt someone's day, like, hey, I just saw you over there. That was so taboo for me.

And I remember fantasizing about doing it. I remember I was on a bus, I was on the top layer and I saw these two girls, I didn't see them on the bus, but I saw these two ladies like get off the bus and I looked out the window and I thought, I gotta do it. I've gotta do it, I've got to go down there and I've got to do it. I've got to do it. I've got to go down there I've got to go and say something You know what and I didn't do it and I didn't I didn't do it

But when we when we were talking earlier about the pain that you have to be Experienced to be motivated to do or not do That was such an important emotion and experience I needed to fill because the next time I did do it, I was in a shop in Moor. It did help I was a bit hung over at the time. I had that moment that we've all experienced, that exchange of eye contact. And I said to myself, you know, then we've got to create that buzz phrase of do it. I said, Johnny, just do it. I went over there and I opened up the interaction

and nothing amazing was really exchanged, to be honest. It was just the impact of doing. I got her number, she became my girlfriend for two years. Wow. It was, and I was again, I was just like, whoa, another ceiling I've just broke through here. Like that's fantastic. So you said never again about not talking to a woman you wanted to talk to and the next time you made it right and it paid off for you. Yeah. In a huge way obviously. Yeah, don't get me wrong, I had a lot to learn. I was very young about girls. I mean that was, I mean, I was an absolute doormat in that relationship.

There's a lot of things that I learned not to do and how to behave in that one, but those lessons were what would come for me later on down the line. I trained, so I had a quick story that your story reminds me of this. I trained myself through hard knocks to punish myself in a positive way when I when I wimped out and

So if I saw a woman I had to talk to but I didn't I talked myself out of it I would notice it and I would punish myself by I would say all right, you now have to do the hardest approach there is To get leverage on myself. So I'm in a park in New York City, this is 10, gosh, 10 years ago at this point. But there's a woman I wanted to approach, I didn't, I talked myself out of it, she walked away and I said, you know what, all right, I'm going to talk to the most beautiful girl I see. I don't care how awkward it is.

And I saw this vision walking across the street, across a walkway. She was wearing a fedora, pencil skirt, very curvy, really pretty. And I said, oh, I got the perfect line. And I'm going to walk up. And I walked up to her. The second I got there, a gentleman who was down on his luck, sort of cat called her, said something like, hey, look at those moves, girl.

And I immediately switched to something not planned and I said hey I'm sorry. I just wanted to come over and apologize. My dad is so so good. Yeah, I love women I she lit up she could she said and like quote she looked at me and said you're way better at hitting on me than other guys So to me there are like two quick lessons there a So to me there are like two quick lessons there. A, take immediate action if you can, if you forgive yourself but take right action. And then also, it's fine to have an opener but if you can find something spontaneous that's usually going to go best, I've found.

Absolutely. I mean, there's always... Oh, and she became my girlfriend. Six months. Oh wow. I mean, that's the thing. I mean, like, if you look at it, people are fatigued with the apps, okay? The online landscape, that swipe right-left

mechanism, like we're just seeing it and let's just say there's a group of girls and they're talking about how they met their partners, right? They go around the table, oh how did you meet your partner oh he was my boy okay you shagged your boss at work what about you oh we met on tinder okay cool what about you oh you know I was I was walking down the street this guy tried to hit on me I blew him off then this other guy told me it was his dad anyway cut a long story short we've been going out ever since this is my bloody husband now you know like it's the story that they're gonna be telling

again and again and again. So, however ridiculous it is, that's the motivator. It's the story. Absolutely. I love that one, it's great. Cat and I were asked that many times. Hey, how'd you guys meet? Her face lit up.

She just shared the story. Yeah. And that was a big moment for me. Okay, let's finish up with a few fun, quick short answer, short question, short answer, rapid fire. I'll even partake in these. I'll answer my own questions. One question I was curious to ask you because you've been doing this a while, is what is one piece of advice that you used to give men that you no longer believe in or that you've changed your mind about? For me, I used to tell guys, oh, women want cocky. Be cocky, because when I was coming up,

quote cocky funny really helped me. But then I realized as I evolved as a coach, that works for some men, but it's not for everybody, and I've adjusted that to be more playful or be cheeky, but if and only if that's your personality. That's me. What about you? Anything that you used to teach that you say, ah, I don't believe that anymore?

It's a good question. I think my mind goes, well, we just spoke about it a little bit now, but the apps and the online space. Like, I'm very anti-app, to be honest, at the moment. I acknowledge it is a path right and I definitely have immediate reference of it working for people but the statistics show that you know it's 20% of people are getting success on there right so unless you are doing an extraordinary job of marketing yourself

right which a lot of us that find ourselves you're gonna help this place I'm not good at it's best to save yourself the frustration because it's not a substitute for going out there and living a more social life Yeah, and I think I was working with one particular person that's come to mind and the pattern that that person was experiencing was To come out long-term relationship built himself back up you know become more market friendly so to speak and It was wasn't working out with the guys this is a lady that I

was working with it wasn't working out every time that she was meeting these guys like one guy was like married on the slice or seeing her you know another guy just just wanted saying casual I know there was no accountability and I Said you got to get back To work on your social life That's where you meet people that is where it happens and I think we we get caught in that trap of just using online as a as a substitute for being living a social life

Great advice I see it as a second funnel to bring more dating options into your life, almost like a business needs multiple funnels of clients, customers. Your dating life, when you're a single guy, it's good to have multiple leads coming in. And online dating is a great source of leads if you can create a profile that does that. But I never want a guy to feel like he has to stay in the online dating ghetto. You wanna have the freedom to meet people out in the real world.

I believe your social circle should be wherever you are. Yeah, absolutely. Well, as I said, like one of the first things we spoke about was reconnecting with yourself. Maybe write down five of those things that you enjoy. I think go off and find communities around that. Yeah, well that was gonna be my next question, which is apart from dating,

apart from dating advice and dating strategies, what are some non-dating related skills or pursuits that you recommend our listener consider to just make him more holistically socially healthier happier which will indirectly help his dating life but it just about being a more holistically social guy yeah it's off the back of what I just said really I mean if I was to is that if I was to think about something that I lost touch with right it was music I used to be very passionate about music,

particularly dance music, supporting friends in bands and stuff, even making music. And I got so work focused over a certain period of years that that kind of fell to the wayside. And it wasn't until a friend of mine invited me to an event where the music that was being played had certain aspects to stuff that I used to listen to. And I was so thankful for him taking me there

because it opened up a whole new community and group of friends for me. And what that then did, it put me in landscapes where I could, you know, I was meeting women off the byproduct of doing something I was already enjoying. Yeah. You know, and it just kept on snowballing. It just did, but if you don't have that, then it's going to be hard.

You know, I'm speaking a lot about that with the guys I've got my online community and we... and one guy, he wants to be in a band and I said, well, look, and he's struggling to find people to... unreliable people, you know. They're waking up and they're supposed to do a band practice, one's got drunk the night before or got high or waking up in some bird's bed or something. So unreliable. I go listen what you want to do is go to the open mic nights and I did a bit of scouting for him actually because I found that world quite interesting also and

So now what he does he he goes round to these open mic nights and he's making friends there, you know, he's yep You know and again being in that world He's got confidence. He's got wisdom. So he's got status. He's more attractive. Yep. It's just the play I Can't agree more for you his music. It sounds like. For him it was open mic night. For some of my guys it's been stand up comedy, cooking classes, music, taking up instruments. I took improv acting for over a decade and I essentially didn't realize I was doing it at the time but I was buying into this wonderful community of people like-minded nerds like me Who liked comedy who liked improv and I found a tribe and I met some women there and dated some of them

Met a lot of friends and it just added so much value to my life having that finding my tribe Yeah, and it's let's just say like you actually do date someone from those communities there's more accountability because Let's just say that you actually do date someone from those communities. There's more accountability because. On the apps, you can just go, you know, you can meet someone. They they can decide, you know, I'm going to be a dick. You know, I'm going to be a dick and, you know, I'm going to get away with it because there's no person, there's no mutuals between us. You know, and a lot of people encounter that.

But when you're dating someone in like communities and stuff, you would have thought you're not gonna be seeing too much of the worst of someone. Because it's gonna come back. Yeah. Last question. I typically end podcasts by saying to my listener, hey, talk is cheap, information is overrated,

action is underrated. Here's something I want you to do this week. I'd like to ask you to do that if you're okay with it. I'd love to give that job to you. Is there one specific action or step that the guy listening to this episode should do this week that will help him either in his dating life or his overall social situation to become a more attractive guy what would you like our listener to do yeah say say yes to your next invite right I think we get invitations every day like I've got an invite to something today and part of me

inside like you know can I be bothered do I really want to go? You know, like, oh, God, it'd be a bit of an effort, you know, but just give yourself a 10% bit of effort to beat the shitty person that you were yesterday. And I guarantee the best nights or the best social experiences often come from those things that you push yourself to do. You are so correct. Quick story to support. I swear, I swear listener that Johnny and I

did not plan this. Here's a story. Many years ago, I felt exactly the same. My friend Eric said, hey, come to this art gallery thing I'm being part of. He was a curator and I'm like, I'm so tired. I'm so, I don't know. But I said yes to it.

And I met a woman named Rachel who became my Long-distance girlfriend for about a year. I loved her and we had this incredible conversation that night about art next thing I knew we were on a date two nights later and having a a Boston New York Long term but really connected relationship and that started with me saying yes to that invite Amazing. That's damn good advice. Thank you so much, Johnny. This was a blast. Oh, I forgot to ask you.

Have you ever seen the Jim Carrey movie, Yes Man, speaking of yes? Yeah. Yes. Yes. That's what the whole movie is. The whole movie, he has to say yes to everything. Yeah. There's another go-away and do.

Watch Jim Carrey, Yes Man. Yeah. That's a really good movie to talk about taking the concept of saying yes to invites. He goes a little overboard, but hey, if you end up meeting Zoe Deschanel, that's a pretty good. Yeah, or your Zoe Deschanel. That's a pretty good outcome. Johnny, for for the gentleman listening to this, who is like, hey, I want to know, I want to know more about this Johnny Cassell. How can they find you? How can they potentially work with you or learn about your coaching or your content? Where should people go to find out more?

Yeah, it's johnnycassell.com. So you've got a lot of offerings on there like programs, online community, stuff like that. At London dating coach, I'm mostly active on that social channel more than anything. And if you punch my name to them Yes Instagram. Okay, if you punch my name into YouTube, you'll find content on there I mean we got over like I know was it like over 200 videos now. So hmm, there's lots of stuff you can learn for free Nice Johnny Kissel calm at at Dating Coach. Is that right? Yes. At London Dating Coach on Instagram. Johnny, thank you so much for being here. It was a

blast, man. Great stuff. Really great. Thank you, man. You've been a great host. Really enjoyed it. I try. I do try. I've had a lot of coffee today. That helps. Thank you for listening. You have about 19 million podcasts you can choose from. You just listened to me and Johnny for an hour, which is freaking awesome. Thank you. I really appreciate that. Don't forget your dream girlfriend. She is out there and she is gonna love you but she's gonna have to meet the real authentic you. So go out there, take some action, carpe datum. Until next time. you