How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 5 “Aha!” Moments that Took Me from Dateless to Dating Wonderful Women

Starting point is 00:00:00 Waiting for confidence is like waiting for Godot or waiting for a funny Adam Sandler movie. It's never going to happen. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract an incredible partner, one who loves you for your authentic self. And that's the key word, authenticity. Success with women is about understanding what doesn't

Starting point is 00:00:36 work and understanding the core essential things that do work. And it starts with being radically authentic, showing women your true, best, most confident self. And today's episode is going to be a fun one because I'll bet that you play it safe on dates. I'll bet that you would love to approach women, but you never do because you just don't have the confidence. I'll bet that you try to impress women, maybe sell yourself to them, maybe even try to be somebody you're not, because hey, maybe she likes that version of you, not the real you. Or you might be struggling with good old-fashioned not knowing what to say, how to flirt, what flirting even means, and how to make sparks happen with women on dates or online or in a conversation.

Starting point is 00:01:27 Let's do it. What are we going to talk about today? I'm going to share with you five of the biggest aha moments I have had in my dating life and that a couple of my clients have had. And I want to shatter some myths and give you the truth. So that's what today's episode is about. I'm going to give you four or five myths that we're going to take a sledgehammer to, and then I'm going to give you the truth. With some practical tips, you can go out there and flirt with confidence. Approach and know how to do it in a way that gets results,

Starting point is 00:02:02 and in a way that does it with charm and authenticity, not being somebody you're not. So let's get to it. Let's go through. Let's count down. Let me list four or five of the biggest aha moments I had. Here's a big aha moment I had once upon a time, which is I used to think that playing it safe was smart, but actually playing it safe with women and dating is risky, and playing it risky is really safe. In other words, safe is risky, and risky is safe. For example, if you go on a first date and you literally sit on your hands or figuratively sit on your hands, you never physically touch at all. You never break that touch barrier. Or you're afraid to go for that first kiss. You're afraid that saying something flirtatious will make her think you're creepy or a weirdo. Then you're playing it safe. But the thing is, playing it safe is very risky in that you have a high risk that she

Starting point is 00:03:08 won't want a second or third date with you. On the other hand, if you go on a date and you take some measured risks, you say that true, honest, authentic thing. You tell her what you find sexy about her. You go to hold her hand when you think the moment is right you go for that first kiss when that kiss window opens now you're doing something that will feel risky to you in the moment but it's actually a very safe smart move to make because that risk is a smart, safe bet in terms of results. If not with her, then on your next date or the one after that or future dates. Here's a couple quick examples.

Starting point is 00:03:58 I have a client named Brian, and Brian was struggling with first date kisses. He wasn't even trying. He had never attempted to have a first date kiss in our time working together. And he lost out with some pretty wonderful women. Brian was struggling with, he just didn't want to come across like a jerk. He's a nice guy. He really is. He's a gentleman. And so he had this story in his head that, oh, you know what? It's creepy and weird to make a move. But I said, actually, if you find her sexy, tell her she's sexy. If you want to kiss her, go for a kiss. It's rude not to do those things. Why are you being so rude to women? Why aren't you going for a kiss? So Brian finally had a first date where he decided to go for it. And he had a couple drinks with a woman at a bar in his hometown.

Starting point is 00:04:53 And he walked her out to his car, sorry, to her car. And he still hadn't made a move yet. But he finally worked up the courage and went for that first kiss. And then before you knew it, they were all over each other. In fact, they went from not kissing and touching at all to having a really hot, sexy makeout as she leaned against her car. And then they ended up getting into his car and having a hot, steamy, passionate make out in the parking lot of this bar, like a couple of horny high school kids. How did he do it? He decided to stop being safe, which is a risk.

Starting point is 00:05:35 And he started taking some risks, which is safe. So keep this in mind. What you think is safe is actually really risky because you risk a woman looking at you as too timid, as too soft, as too nice. But if you start taking some risks, that's a really safe, smart choice to make. I'm remembering when I first started going out

Starting point is 00:06:01 and approaching women in the late 00s, I had an epiphany. I realized that when I really took a risk, when I committed fully to the approach, it went so much better than the half-hearted ones. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help.

Starting point is 00:06:48 He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Conal or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman.

Starting point is 00:07:15 That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. in New York City at Union Square. And I had done two or three really timid, safe approaches. What I mean is, a woman was looking at the magazine rack, or a magazine at the magazine rack. And I was like, hey, what are you reading? Oh, that's nice. I like magazines too. All right, well, nice meeting you. Very safe. Very safe. Nothing happened. And I just got so mad at myself. I said,

Starting point is 00:08:26 you know what? It's time to take a risk. Time to be a risk taker. And a young woman who looked to be in her early 20s, she walked by me, gorgeous brunette, wearing an NYU sweatshirt. She walked by me. And I just said, you know what? Time to take a risk. And I walked over to her and I tapped her on the shoulder from behind, which is not necessarily good technique, but you know what, technique is overrated and risk-taking is underrated. Tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around and I said, hey, I just saw you and you're gorgeous. Had to meet you. Hi, I'm Connell. What's your name? And she looked at me with like her eyes and jaw dropped in a good way. She smiled and she said, hi, I'm name. Let's call

Starting point is 00:09:15 her Jen. And long story short, I got her number. We were on a date a couple nights later and we dated for a while. I took the risk. It felt so unsafe in the moment. So don't get me wrong. If it feels very scary and risky, if it feels unsafe, you're on the right track. And if it feels super safe and too safe, guess what? You're on the wrong track. Okay. Next, here is the next big aha moment I had, which is you might think that you need to impress a woman on a date, but actually what you need to do is express your authentic self. Don't impress by being somebody you're not. Express who you really are at your core. I used to have a huge crush on a woman. I'm going to call her Laura. And Laura is a beautiful, intelligent, smart, witty, funny, blonde, great catch.

Starting point is 00:10:16 And we had one or two dates. And I remember on our second date, I said to myself, you know what? She's not going to like me for me. I've got to be who I think she likes. And she's a big adventurer. She's into hiking. She's into paragliding, parasailing, and all that, all this adventurous stuff. And that's not me. I'm a nerd who likes Star Wars, who likes musical theater, who likes writing. And I just said, you know what? She doesn't want that. So play up some adventure things. So what did I do on the date? I lied through my teeth. I said, oh, just so you know, yeah, I'm taking a pilot's training. I'm studying to get my pilot's license. Lie. And oh, yeah, I'm thinking of swimming with sharks. I went swimming with sharks once in the Caribbean. I think I'm going to go with sharks. I went swimming with sharks once in the Caribbean. I think I'm going to go down to Belize, swim with sharks again. Double dog lie.

Starting point is 00:11:10 And as I'm lying to her, as I'm being somebody I'm not, I feel the sweat just pouring down my forehead. And I don't know if she knew for a fact that I was full of shit, but she could sense something was off, right? Clearly, I wasn't telling the truth, or at least I wasn't comfortable sharing this information with her. Long story short, she friendzoned me, and that was it for a while. Six or eight months later, I started working with the first dating coach who really helped me a lot. And then I had another chance with Laura. And Laura and I went on a date, and I was completely different this time. I was authentic. I was being really real with her. I was not trying to be something

Starting point is 00:11:55 I wasn't. I was cracking my jokes. I was cracking dad jokes. I'm a natural born smart ass, which is a real good quality to have if that's authentic to you. So I was letting my cheeky, sometimes cocky side come out, busting her balls a little bit, a lot of banter back and forth. And I said, close your eyes, letting her know I wanted to kiss her. And she got all blushing and bashful. And she said, no, I'm not going to let you kiss me. And I said, I don't want to kiss you. You have cooties. Ew, gross. And she playfully punched me. She loved the banter and the teasing. And by the end of the day, we were making out and really having a great date. And I didn't have to be anything I wasn't. I didn't lie. I didn't give her a bullshit story. Bottom line here is she already liked me. She liked me before, but I was getting in the way.

Starting point is 00:12:52 I was trying to impress her by being somebody I'm not instead of really leaning into who I am, which is a little cheeky, a little smart-assy, definitely nerdy, and putting that self out there. She really liked me once I started being my real authentic self. So please don't forget this lesson. You've got to be authentic. You can't be somebody you're not. You might be able to keep it up for a date or two, but you're going to get found out just like I did. So put that radically authentic, best you out there. Not every woman's going to like you, just like I did. So put that radically authentic best you out there. Not every woman's going to like you, but man, the woman who really likes your type, she's going to love you. She's going to go crazy for you. Okay. The next myth I want to bust is

Starting point is 00:13:39 this idea of how you, well, a lot of guys want to approach women. And you might want to approach women, but you probably don't do it because you say to yourself, I don't have the confidence. And that's a myth. You don't need confidence to approach women. You don't need confidence to get results. What you need is courage. You need the courage to take action. Confidence is nice, but it's something you have to earn. You earn it with courage. Confidence is something that comes after you've taken enough courageous action to get the confidence. So here's a quick story. The very first night I ever went out to approach women, this is the story that opens my book. It's chapter one of my book. I had never approached a woman before in my life,

Starting point is 00:14:30 ever. I was 38 years old. I'd never approached a woman. And about 15 minutes before it was time to go out on that rooftop bar in New York City on a July evening in 2009, I had to excuse myself. I had a coach with me and I said, hey, I'll be right back. I went into the men's room and I had a panic attack. I got the dry heaves. I started vomiting up stomach acid. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't eating. It was just, it was a panic attack. And at the time, I thought, oh, this is just butterflies. But really, it was the fear of rejection. It was the fear of finding out that girls just didn't like me, at least not attractive women on a rooftop bar. They wanted alpha males. They wanted badass players. They didn't want nerdy, introverted Ginger Connell.

Starting point is 00:15:27 And so it took so much courage that night for me to start going up to women. But with my coach's help and paying $2,500, with my coach's help, I just said, you know what? Time to man up and be courageous. And I started approaching women. And I approached, and I approached. I had no confidence at the start of the night. By the end of the night, I had some confidence. And most importantly, I clicked with a really wonderful woman named Kelly. And we ended up spending the night together and having a real incredible deep connection and a real fun, sexy night. So I did not win her with confidence. I didn't have any confidence. What I had was a massive dumpster truck full of courage. I dumped a Brinks truck of courage out there. And that's what I want you to think about. Don't not approach a woman because

Starting point is 00:16:23 you're not confident enough. If you wait for the confidence, it will never come. Waiting for confidence is like waiting for Godot or waiting for a funny Adam Sandler movie. It's never going to happen. But if you decide to use courage, walk over to that woman, say something vulnerable and real and authentic, She may or may not like you, but you have just bought yourself confidence that you'll have tomorrow and next week and next year. Think of courage as the currency that buys you confidence. Okay, next. Here's a big myth about flirting. You might think that it's hard to flirt. It's really hard to know what to say and how to flirt, but it's not. It's so much easier than you might think.

Starting point is 00:17:14 I'd like you to use this analogy or use this image. Think of an EKG. And an EKG, you know, you have that baseline middle line and then you have these little spikes that go up or down and think of flirting like an EKG line and that middle line can be, think of that middle line as sincere, authentic conversation or communication. In other words, just being normal, just talking about your life, yourself, and sharing information, sharing your viewpoint, sharing your personality, your sense of humor. And think of 80% to 90% of your conversation with a woman on a first date or an approach, or for that matter, when you're texting on an app, 80 to 90% of it can just be that middle line. Just sincere. Just yourself, authentic, sincere. In other words, saying what you're thinking and feeling, what's genuine and

Starting point is 00:18:16 real. And then the flirting part of this is the spikes, the positive up spike and the negative quote unquote down spike. Positive up spike would be something like, hey, you're really cute or you're adorable or I love how confident and silly and fun you are. Or yeah, wow, you have great taste in movies. So those are positive spikes, like such as compliments. And then every so often you can do what's called a negative spike. Not a neg, not a pickup artist neg, but a negative spike where you might tease her. You might crack a joke about what a dork she is. You might basically show a little bit of not negativity per se, but you're willing to have a full range of expression, up and down.

Starting point is 00:19:16 Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can confidently approach women

Starting point is 00:20:00 and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold, in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. So the aha moment I want you to have is to be on a date talking to a woman just knowing, oh, I can be sincere. I can just speak normal thoughts, be sincere, share about myself and ask about her.

Starting point is 00:20:47 And then as long as you give her the occasional, just the occasional, 10% positive spikes and negative spikes, you're going to be flirting. You're going to be giving her what she wants. Don't think that every other word out of your mouth has to be some amazing, witty, awesome, funny, flirty, neggy line. It doesn't. 80% to 90% of what you say can just be you being sincere and authentic. And then give her some positive spikes. Give her some fun negative spikes. And guess what?

Starting point is 00:21:17 You just got instantly good at flirting. It can be that simple. You got to practice it. Don't get me wrong. You got to practice it. But it can can be that simple. You got to practice it. Don't get me wrong. You got to practice it, but it can absolutely be that simple. Okay. Let's do one more. Here's a good one. I want to talk about the power of playfulness. A lot of guys think, oh gosh, Connell, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say

Starting point is 00:21:46 it. I don't know how to text women. What do I text? What do I text? One of the biggest myths of how to text women is you've got to say witty, witty, amazingly creative things, good content, in other words. You don't have to. You just want to play with her. Just think playful. If some of your text messages are playful, then she's going to enjoy you. So you don't have to be clever. You do want to be fun and playful. In fact, I'm just thinking right now, live on air, is this the single most powerful tool in your dating toolbox? It might be. It's right up there. Playfulness and fun. Very few women, I don't know, I shouldn't say no women want to play with you, but man, I would say 98% of single women would love to meet a fun, playful guy

Starting point is 00:22:47 who's got some good, fun, playful things to bring to the table. So how can we play? A couple simple strategies here. On dates or online, you can play games, like Two Truths and a Lie. You can do thumb wrestling. You can play guessing games. You meet a woman out at a bar. She says, what do you do? You say, what do you think I do? Look at me. Look at my clothes. What would you guess I do for a living? Challenge her, but not in a dickish way. You're challenging her to play with you. You're basically saying, hey, let's play together. That's fun. It's different. I love staring contests on dates. I've done a million staring contests. I like to thumb wrestle. I mentioned that I do a game called the question game. We just take turns asking each other questions.

Starting point is 00:23:42 And the only rule is you have to tell the truth. You have to tell the truth. So playfulness is not something that you need a lot of amazing, perfect wit for. Don't get me wrong. Being clever and witty is a nice bonus if you have that in your quote unquote game, but it's not required. It really isn't. So think of different ways you can be playful. And then the nice thing is you can be playful the same ways, both online when you're texting, but also in person. I was texting a woman recently for my YouTube channel showing guys how to the art of getting phone numbers and dates. And I was just playing two truths and a lie with her, which is exactly what I used to do on dates. So find three or four simple ways that you can be playful and you can do them both on dates. And for the most part,

Starting point is 00:24:36 you can do them when you're texting as well. Okay, let's do one more. Let's do one more myth I would like to bust for you. Maybe the biggest, one of the most prevalent myths in dating. I think one of the most prevalent myths in dating is that you have to be really good looking to get a woman attracted to you. You have to have Brad Pitt looks, male model looks, tall, ripped, perfect jaw. And you might think that's true, but the bottom line is it's not true. It's a nice bonus if you're good looking. Don't get me wrong. It's a nice bonus, but being good looking, it's kind of like owning a jacuzzi.

Starting point is 00:25:23 Good looks. Nice to have, but way overrated. Women get bored with it after a while. My girlfriend, Jess, she's not with me because I'm a male model. She's relatively attracted to my gingerness, I guess. I must be her type, but she's not with me because of my looks. She selects certain parts of my body that she's attracted to. She likes my arms. I have fairly nice arms, but I don't have a six pack. I don't have low body fat. I don't have big muscles. I don't have the kind of face that makes women fan themselves as I walk down the street. So I've got to do it with other assets.

Starting point is 00:26:07 And that's the truth here. The truth is that different women have a different blueprint for what they find compelling and magnetic to a man. And looks is much lower on the lists of most women than you think it is. Looks are much less important to women than you probably think. What's probably happening is you are projecting onto women the way we as men tend to feel, which is we're very visual. Men look at a beautiful woman and say, swipe right, yes, I will date her, I will marry her, just because she's so physically attractive. So physical attractiveness,

Starting point is 00:26:46 for attractiveness for men, it's kind of like a light switch. It turns on, especially if she's physically attractive to you. For women, attraction is more like a dimmer switch. It's something that gets turned up and it's not from looks. It's more from confidence, presence, to an extent charisma, but not one size fits all charisma, your charisma. And essentially, it comes down to the value that you can bring to her life. So I have dated, I'm not trying to brag when I say this, it's just the truth. I've dated women who are way, way, way, way more attractive than I should be able to date. Models, model caliber women. And they have not chosen me because of my looks. They chose me because I had something to

Starting point is 00:27:35 offer. I brought something to their table. Personality, a sense of connection, emotional connection, laughter, fun, playfulness. Basically, I brought a lot to her dating table. So please unplug from the bullshit story that if you are not conventionally great looking, you cannot get a quality, wonderful woman in your life. That is not true. I've seen it too many times firsthand. Some of my coaches back in the day are not good-looking men. They did it with swagger, with confidence, with good quote-unquote game. What I've seen that works best for me is authenticity, confidence in yourself, and understanding how to make women smile. If you get how to make a girl smile and feel good about you making her feel those good emotions, then you could look like Brad Garrett and she'll think you're Brad Pitt because you made her feel so good. All right,

Starting point is 00:28:43 that's it for today's episode. Until next time, and remember, your dream girlfriend. She's out there. She already likes you. She just has to meet the real, authentic you. Adios. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com.

Starting point is 00:29:06 See you next time produced by heartcast media

How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 5 “Aha!” Moments that Took Me from Dateless to Dating Wonderful Women

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