How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 7 Flirting Secrets Women Want You to Know with Melanie Sutrathada

Episode Date: November 10, 2023

Cue the confetti! Dating coach Connell Barrett welcomes a very special guest for this episode: the fun, funny, talented, effervescent Melanie Sutrathada!Melanie is an actor, TV host and lifestyle expert who’s appeared on “Good Morning America” and “Today.” She’s also a single woman who knows what women want from single men! And she has a LOT of wisdom to share.Connell and Melanie team up to talk about…8:45: Why travel makes you more attractive14:20: How activity dates make it easier to go for the first kiss22:00: What to say to your date when you’re nervous and NOT confident29:00: How to improve your flirty banter on dates41:30: What women are really looking for from men42:25: The right (and WRONG) ways to approach a womanAnd a lot more!Listen to the amazing Melanie Sutrathada wax eloquent about dating, true-crime, traveling the world, and much more.SEE MELANIE TRAVEL THE WORLD ON INSTAGRAM: @‌melaniesutraCHECK OUT HER HOSTING AND ACTING SKILLS ON HER WEBSITE:Melanie Sutrathada | Actor ∙ Host ∙ Content CreatorFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN:Apply to Work with Dating Coach Connell BarrettGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC: www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"You have to shoot your shot and take chances, in life and in love, because tomorrow isn't promised to us." -Melanie SutrathadaFeatured in the episodeMelanie SutrathadaInstagram: @‌melaniesutraWebsite: http://www.melaniesutrathada.com/Connell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction00:42 - Embracing Multiple Roles: Actor, Host, Lifestyle Expert04:37 - The Art of the Wingman: Navigating New York Dating08:22 - Prioritizing Experiences over Money: Life's True Essence10:17 - Seizing the Present: Acting Now in an Uncertain Tomorrow15:27 - Self-Discovery, Love, and Sports: Years of Adventure18:55 - The Awkwardness of Distant Date First Kisses22:15 - Exciting Dates that Check Off Your Bucket List25:38 - Cultivating Meaningful Connections through Honesty and Vulnerability33:08 - The Power of Active Listening in Meaningful Conversations36:08 - Expressing Compatibility and Nurturing Potential Relationships41:26 - Heartwarming Note from Jess's Cat, Boots45:25 - Seeking a Confident, Non-Jealous, and Initiative-Taking Partner51:09 - Acts of Kindness: Crossing Paths with the Right Person54:13 - OutroProduced by Heartcast Mediahttps://www.heartcastmedia.com

Let me show you how to hold the ax, Melanie. Out of context, that sounds so murdery. I like it. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett.

I'm the real life Hitch. If Hitch looked like Buddy Holly or young Richie Cunningham, I help you attract women by being authentic, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend. And we have a pretty good quote unquote date in store for you today because I have a very special guest and I want to get right to her and welcome her. And as my guest says on her website, let's cue the confetti because our special guest today is Melanie Sutrathada. She's an actor, a host, and a lifestyle expert. She's an on-camera personality with a love for hamming it up,

so she's going to get along great here with us. You may know her from the Today Show, Good Morning America, also a show called In the Know. And when she's not on camera, Melanie can be found planning her next trip or binge watching The Office. We have to talk about that. Melanie's got a great Instagram. It is fantastic. It'll make you want to travel the world. You can find her on Instagram at Melanie Sutra, and that's M-E-L-A-N-I-E-S-U-T-R-A. And also MelanieSutrathada.com, and that link will be down in the description. Melanie, thank you so much for being our quote unquote date and guest today. Thank you so much for having me. You know, I'm such a fan of all things you, and I cannot wait to dive in and to learn

more about your journey and to discuss all things, hopefully, the office. This is actually now a podcast about the office. Thank you for joining. Yes, it's now an office pod. Don't get me digressing to TV or movies. Oh, no, I'm going to do it. I can go down a deep rabbit hole. Just real quick, we'll get to you and everything dating in a second. What office character do you most see yourself in? You know, I like to think that I'm mostly Pam with a bit of Kelly Kapoor. Just a little bit. It's a little bit of toxicity, but not in a horrible way. Just enough where you're like,

what is happening there? Right. Just a dash of toxicity, a soussant of toxicity. I love that so much. I am 100% Creed. I'm just kidding. I aspire to be Jim. I think I'm 81% Jim, but I've had my Michael Scott moments, I confess. I think we all have a little bit of Michael Scott. And honestly, I do feel like I have a little bit of Andy Bernard in me. Would I burst into song? Would I dance in an elevator and suddenly sing when nobody wants me to sing? Maybe. Has it happened?

Okay. Well, let's get real. Remember the episode where Andy is singing a song acapella to his crush? Wait, was this you singing to singing to ellie kemper yeah no i believe it i i think it was to i forget her name the blonde sort of prim proper uh character on the show uh but he was he didn't have a crush on angela did he maybe it was maybe it was ellie kemper but But I remember he sang a song to her acapella. I forget the song, but it was very cheesy. But it was very effective. It worked.

I guess my question for you is if a guy in the right context, maybe it's karaoke night, or maybe it's a bar lounge. If a guy walked up to you and he just started singing a song karaoke style, would you find that charming or very strange weird you know I am probably not the right person to ask because I grew up doing musical theater so it is pretty common to meet people and have them burst out into song and then you all join into song that being said if they're a good singer I'm in I am I I guess my standards are a little lower than I expected but I'm down if you're. I guess my standards are a little lower than I expected. But I'm down. If you're willing to be brave enough to do something that may just have you looking like a fool,

I'm in. I think that's so charming and so funny. And at the very least, if it's terrible, we'll have a good story later on. Absolutely. By the way, I'm a musical theater nerd as well. I love it. Without the talent, but all the passion. I do musical improv actually here in New York at the Magnet Theater and other places. Wait, so Ronald, have you serenaded someone on a whim? techniques I do with my guys when I take them out on the town in New York as their wingman. One of my favorite openers to do is to point, have my client, this actually happened with one of my first clients, a guy named Ken. We were in a bar in New York City called the Brass Monkey and down in the Meatpacking District. And we were in the second floor and I said, okay, look around this room, Ken. What woman here is most your type?

And he pointed to a woman and said, oh my gosh, she's so cute. She's totally my type. And I said, what's your favorite karaoke song? And he said, Purple Rain. So I said, here's your opener. Walk over to her. Sing the first two lines to Purple Rain. So he walks over. And he just belts out, never meant to cause you any sorrow and just went right into it and it went great she was laughing

she was loving it and they started singing it together so i love this the karaoke opener oh i have never heard of anyone doing something like that, but I'm in. I love it. I think regardless of whether or not it goes well, it's so funny and so different. And at the very least, you would both have a story to walk away with, which is, I think, primarily what dating is about, just having a story to walk away with. Absolutely. And just shooting your shot and having fun with it and not taking it too personally. Exactly. 100%. Okay. There's something I want to quote of yours. You wrote, you write this on your most recent Instagram post. Oh no. Quoting you. I know I have quite a whole, I have a whole file on you. No,

you write, you write in a post, I want to be rich, rich in memories and experiences. And then you superimpose that with your wonderful, real images of you on the beach, dancing, eating empanadas. I think this was in Cartagena. Essentially, your message here is life for you, at least part of life, is all about making life richer through just rich experiences. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women,

get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you.

Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more

confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will Am I reading that right? Can you elaborate on why that's important to you? Absolutely. You know, I think money will come and go. And I've met people in my profession who have more money than like I could ever even fathom. And sometimes those people are the unhappiest. I think really life is about doing the things that you've always wanted to do, whether that's shooting your shot or going to another country or quitting your job. I think I would rather have those memories than money any

day. And I think really money will come and go. I think you have to do the things that you think you can't do and dive right in because tomorrow really isn't promised to anyone. Well said. well said. Some of the best dates I had back in my single days, and I'm in a relationship now, but when I was going on dates and meeting women, it happened at a time in my life when I was beginning to travel a lot

and going out into the world and having experiences. And that made the dates, it gave me things to talk about. It gave us both experiences to share. And I go down in the weeds with my clients and the guy who's listening to this podcast about how to talk, how to flirt, how to make moves. All that stuff is great. But there's nothing, arguably, there's nothing more valuable than just having a rich, full life to let a woman into or see a glimpse of when you first meet. So you can talk about shared experiences. What are your thoughts there?

Absolutely. I think it's all about having stories to tell when you're older. I don't want to wake up one day at 80 and be like, oh, I'm so happy I saved all this money for retirement, but now I'm not able to hike Mount Kilimanjaro. Now I'm not able to hop on a plane on a whim. Now I'm not able to do all these things. I think life is meant to be lived right here and right now, not waiting for someday. And that's the thing about Sunday, right? It's always one day away. It's always in the future. And I think if we don't do these things now, then when will we? Really? I mean, I just had a, I just unfortunately had a family member pass. And I think about all the things that were not said, all the things that they did not get to do and all the things that I, I wished for one day and they never happened. And now they will not,

unfortunately. And so I think I come from this perspective very recently of thinking that tomorrow really is not promised. And so if you see someone cute at a bar, instead of being like, oh, I'll poach them later. Like, no, no, no. This is a time. You don't know if you'll see them again. And this is a time to shoot your shot because it may never come again. Well said. It's such a cliche, but it's so true. You know, seize the day. Yeah. All we have is now. And I can't tell you. So before I became a dating coach, I became a dating coach because I had all these problems myself.

I could not approach women. I didn't know how to flirt. I was really low in confidence. And I just really got in my head and I was always trying to think, well, what's the right thing to say? What's the cool line? And what I learned, and I'd love to hear your take as a single woman on this. What I learned is the perfect words when you go up to meet somebody or talk to somebody, look, it's a nice bonus if you say something witty and funny and cool. But what's most

important is just committing to it and being yourself and having good intentions. And then the right words will come to you after you relax in a few seconds. Yes. Disagree. Agree. Disagree. What's your take on that? Absolutely.

Absolutely. You know, I've had things happen on both ends of the spectrum where like somebody had the perfect line and I was like, oh my gosh, am I in a Hallmark movie? This is incredible. But they were not the best person for me. the perfect line. And I was like, oh my gosh, am I in a Hallmark movie? This is incredible. But they were not the best person for me. And I've had the opposite happen where people were awkward and they fumbled on that initial approach. And then I found them so incredibly charming and funny and sweet afterwards. It's really not about the right thing to say because the right person for you will be able to figure it out eventually. And I think

if someone were to approach me and I reacted really negatively, then I'm not that person's person, right? I think it's all about really just going in with the best of intentions and the right person, similar to like friendships as well, the right people will see you and they'll be like, oh my gosh, I don't ever want to let this person go. Well said. Good intentions and making the interaction as much as you can, making it about giving her a positive experience. Yes.

No matter what else happens. It's like the, the whole idea of that karaoke opener. It's silly. It's designed to make her smile and laugh. If it quote unquote works as a dating move, great. That's a nice bonus. Go on a date. Go on a karaoke date that night. Let's do it.

But at the very least, so many men walk up to women. Well, most men don't. But the few men who do approach women or go talk to them or try to make something happen. It's coming from a lens of, I hope she likes me. I hope that I get what I want. And I want men to say, hey, before you get what you want, why don't you give her a little something? Give her a moment, a compliment, a silly song. Coming from the lens of handing out, instead of walking around with your handout, so to speak, walk around handing out 20s. That feels so much better than if you're going out looking for validation. I love that, Connell. I think that's so valuable and so just wonderful. I really do think you're doing such a service to people because I think at the end of the day, whether or not you've

listened to this podcast and now you're like, I am dating. I am married. I am all the things. I think so much of what you teach is also about how to be a good person and how to be someone who listens to understand versus listen for their opportunity to speak. So I think all these, all these things that you're, you're talking about are really applicable to people in so many different facets of life. Okay. So I know that my listener is dying to hear more about the woman's point of view on dating. Oh, I'm ready to go. You are. I want you to put on your expert hat. You're a single woman. You are a great catch. I have no doubt. You've been out dating to an extent. I don't know your whole story. First of all, tell us a little bit about your dating history, your dating life, what you like to do.

Tell us just a little bit about your personal life as much as you can share. Oh, of course. Thank you so much, Connell. Well, as you said, I'm single as a Pringle. You didn't say single as a Pringle, but I think I heard that through Mindy Kaling once. And I was like, that's a great descriptor. Mostly because I am single and I also enjoy Pringles. So here we are. I was in a very long-term relationship that ended a couple of years ago, very ended very mutually. And still he's one of my closest friends. And I dated someone shortly after that broke my heart. And so, yeah.

But hey, you learn, you learn. And so I haven't really dated since. But I think the past few years for me have really been about figuring out what I bring to the table and making sure that I am the kind of person that I would want to date. So things about me, like I love adventure. Like I one of my favorite things to do is like paddleboard. And I love to like go into break rooms and literally destroy shit with a, like a sledgehammer. I love things like that. I grew up playing sports. I have, I think I've been to like some 40 countries. And those are things that when I was dating someone, they weren't necessarily interested in these same things that get me so excited. And so I've been learning in

the past few years of like, what makes me me? What do I need? What am I interested in? And I have been single intentionally, and it's been really wonderful, actually, that I feel like that might change in the near future. But I'm in a place right now where I love where I'm at. And I like, I really love who I am and the people I'm surrounded with. So could not be happier. But I'm in a place right now where I love where I'm at. And I like, I really love who I am and the people I'm surrounded with. So could not be happier. But I think if I met someone who just complimented me so well, not compliment with like an I, but E, you know, like complimenting on me, we're all together. I think, you know, I think you, sometimes you find people, your people, whether it's

a friend or a significant other, I think sometimes you find them when you are the happiest with yourself. Assuming you were clicking with a guy or you were interested in a guy, what would be a really fun first date idea that you would enjoy doing with him? That's a great question though. So what is a good first date that I would want to do? Is that right? Yeah. If you were interested in a guy who you, maybe you met, were fixed up with online, or you met him and it was time for a first date suggestion, he's about to give you the pitch. What would you love to have him suggest you do? Oh man. Okay.

This is so silly, but I've been wanting to learn how to throw axes. I think that sounds incredible. Also, I don't know if maybe you end up dating a sociopath or a psychopath and like, then you're murdered. I don't know. I don't like that. But I do think something where you're doing an activity where both of you are not familiar could be very fun. I love the idea of ax throwing. I love the idea of like surfing, like taking a surf lesson. I'm not great at it, but I think again, having something where you're actually doing something versus let's go to a movie. Like I do not want to go to a movie. I don't want to go to dinner. I'm not interested in drinks. Like, but that's also who I am. Like I am someone who's very active. So I want

to go and go on a run on theson and then go and get milkshakes or you know things that are very active so i think it's really important for that first date if you are someone who likes this a very specific lifestyle like then that would be amazing for me if someone went melanie i think you are so fun i heard that you like things a little offbeat. Do you want to go to Medieval Times with me in New Jersey? Oh my gosh. That is my dream. Someone take me to Medieval Times where I can wear a paper crown and cheer on some jousting knights with a turkey leg in my hand. That would be the dream date. That sounds fantastic. It'd be incredible. Just like in Cable Guy. I think they guy i think the medieval times that's what that would be yeah so an activity date basically something besides let's do drinks yeah uh

nothing against having drinks i think one of the things that happens when you're getting drinks also is you're sitting typically when you're sitting when you're at like dinner or something like that you're sitting across from someone so when the date comes to an end you have had very little physical contact with them so going in for a first kiss is so uncomfortable and awkward because you've literally been four or five feet away versus if you're with someone at i don't know axe throwing there's the moments in between of like oh maybe this person is better than you at this thing. So then they could put their arms around you and try to help you focus. Or maybe it's like, oh man, you are incredible.

And it's like a touch on the arm. I think these types of activities offer more in terms of actual physical contact. And I think they are something that you really bond with. So regardless of whether the date goes well or not, you're gonna remember that date at medieval times versus cocktails after work. Absolutely. That's a great tip you just shared about how an activity date can have some incidental, totally normal physical touch that's not creepy or weird.

As opposed to a potentially weird, awkward move on a first date. I tell my guys, the best way to not be creepy in touching is to have a reason to do it. Like, oh, here, you know what? Let me show you how to hold the axe, Melanie. Out of context, that sounds so murdery. I like it. Don't like it. I don't, everyone. That's not what we're going for.

Out of context quotes. But here's how you hold the axe. And then he, you know, in a G-rated fashion, maybe touches your elbow or hand. As opposed to a first date where it's like, time to execute touching move that some pickup artist said to do. That is creepy AF. It is. And it's never going to be easier. I think really it's all about.

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and

fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps. And attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold,

in paperback kindle and audiobook get dating sucks but you don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl i what i've what i've been trying to do is go on dates where i would want to do these things anyway so it's kind of like you're checking off your bucket list, right? So whether or not you're excited about the person, hopefully you are, but whether or not you are, you're like, oh, you know what I'm going to do tonight? I'm going to go to Medieval Times. You're like, oh, I'm going to go paddleboarding on the lake. That's incredible. I think finding ways to be excited versus like, oh man, it's like my 15th hinge date of the month. We're doing the same thing. I hope they like me.

There's no excitement in that. It's very difficult to generate excitement artificially when you feel like you've been going through the motions. If every date is different, then every date gets to be fun and a new adventure. And back to your earlier point, what I mentioned from your Instagram, have activities that are new, rich experiences. Worst case scenario, if you two don't hit it off, you can talk about now you've got axe throwing photos for your profile. Or maybe you have your new favorite hobby. Oh, I love that. I love that so much. I think this is, dating is just a part of life. And we want to make sure that, I don't know, that dating doesn't feel like a drudgery because i know it can be if you're really if you're really set on finding your partner in 2024 and you know that you're

going on like 50 dates in a year that is exhausting and i think that if you're going on 50 dates a year and you're just kind of going through the motions then you're not going to bring your best self to the table and also i think it really puts a sense of dread on all of these dates. If you can make it fun every time, then every time is different and a story and an experience that you're going to talk about one day. Okay. You just made me think of a fun question. So imagine a guy who's not going on 50 dates a year. Maybe he hasn't had a date in a while. It's been months. A little bit of a slump.

Great guy. He's been in a slump. And then all of a sudden, he's got a first date with somebody like you. Oh, man. Love this. Intelligent, traveled, great style, attractive inside and out. Basically a great catch. He is nervous. He's going to be

nervous, I think. Any advice for this kind of man who's getting back in the game after a little bit of a slump when he meets somebody like you? How can he relax? How can he have a good chance at a good date with you? Well, first, Connell, that was so incredibly kind. Thank you. You just made my whole day. I think one of the best things you can do. I'm just trying to have you not ax murder me. That's why I said it. I mean, who knows? You would end up on a Netflix documentary one day, and that could be fun.

Finally. Famous. I'm just going to help you out. Posthumously famous without a head. That's me. You do what you got to do out here, you know? No presses bad press. You got murdered.

It happens. True crime. There we go. I mean, well, thank you again so much. That's so nice. you got to do out here you know no presses bad press you got murdered it happens true crime there we go i mean uh well thank you again so much that's so you're welcome i think i think being really honest and open is the way to my heart personally if you go mel oh my gosh you are beautiful and you're so funny and this is my first date in a while. I'm sorry if I'm going to be awkward. If you are honest with me, oh my gosh, suddenly you feel so human to me. Suddenly I'm not afraid to be like, okay, well, come on. Oh my gosh, this is my first date in a while and I'm so scared. So we're in this together. I think being really honest and open from the jump

and saying like, this is my first date in a while makes, it really breaks that barrier down. And then every conversation after that can be really silly because you already have something in common, A, and then B, you've shown that you're not afraid to be vulnerable. And I think that's the thing. A lot of times people go into dates wanting to be the best version of themselves and they want to say what everybody wants them to say and they want to show this image because they think that this is what that this is what a woman wants and really I know for me I'm looking for my best friend I'm looking for someone who is gonna be funny and make me laugh and and get all my silly quirky talks about true crime and someone I'm going to be able to really talk

with. Being charming and funny and confident, of course, that's something that I'm really attracted to. But when you're with someone long term, you want to be able to see all these different facets of them. And how do they react when they are uncomfortable? Are they someone who is really forthcoming? Or are they someone who really tries to hide and put on a mask? I'm not interested in the latter. You know, I don't need artificial, I call them brunch people, like people you'd go to brunch with. I already have friends.

I'm good. I want to know like what makes you really excited? What makes you really happy? What makes you nervous? So being open and honest and vulnerable from the jump is gonna is for me is already going to put you like 50 points ahead of anyone else well said i'm so glad you said that i just love hearing from a woman's point of view one of the things i teach my clients and my guys come to me because they haven't had a

date or a good date in a long time and And so I say, just own what you're thinking and feeling is what you're saying and doing. Be really truthful and genuine and authentic. And if you're nervous, you can say to her, hey, oh my gosh, I'm super nervous. Excited to meet you, but also a little bit nervous. If that's how they're feeling, not as a move, but as a way to actually kind of an anti-pickup move. It's like, I'm just going to be really genuine. And something really cool can happen when that to a man's sub-communications, his voice, his eye contact, it can make him feel really aligned, congruent, where he's not pretending to be somebody he's not. And he just says, look, you're really pretty. And I haven't had a date in six months. And I'm nervous as hell. And all of a sudden it feels so good to own that, that it can make it kind of snap him into a more fun, confident zone. And then you

get the best of both worlds. You don't have to be fake, but you get to feel more you. Yeah. I love that. I think so much of it is trusting that what you bring to the table is enough that you don't have to put on a front or research pickup lines or try to be really confident when you're not. I think if someone was like, said to me, I am so nervous. I think I would be so charmed. I would be so, I think that would really allow me to drop my guard as well and share how I'm feeling. And also then we're going into this thing together. It's not, okay, there's this version of me trying to meet this version of him. And are we going to get along? I don't know. Are they going to think that I'm, you know, maybe they saw me on Hinge and they're like, oh my gosh, she was way prettier online versus in person. You know, there's all

these things that we think. And if someone comes right out and says, I am so nervous, you seem way like you're so charming. I think I would basically be like, all right, put a ring on it. I'm done. We're good. A few minutes ago, you mentioned the hypothetical ax throwing date and going for a first kiss. So as a single woman, any tips, do's or don'ts about going for that first kiss? What are things women like or that you like? What are things women don't like or that you don't like? Oh, man.

I haven't had many recent first kisses. Oh, man. Dang, Connor, why would you bring that up? Sad, sad. Do you have anything memorable from further back where you had a really good first kiss, where it just happened or your lips met at the perfect moment could just be a story anything that comes to mind oh in my experience yeah when i was single and dating i i found that most women seemed just

like like that it just happened yes that it happened somewhat naturally and organically. And I'm not against asking for a kiss. I generally don't advise my guys to ask for it. I think that women tend to want to feel like it happened really naturally at the right moment. But you're the woman. You're the expert. What do you think? I would definitely agree with that. I think it's so much... For. I'm such a like, I love banter. I love chemistry. I love having just really good energy together. And I think when the time is right, you'll know I'm not opposed to someone asking I think it's okay. Sometimes it feels like someone's just being very chivalrous, which I can very much appreciate. I think

sometimes we I think sometimes when we're on a date, there's a moment and we let the moment pass. And then afterwards we try to backtrack and go, oh gosh, I should have kissed someone I didn't like, this is so awkward. So I think going, just letting it happen naturally. And, and when you see the, when you see the moment, go for the moment. I think that's a good thing about life too. Just go for the moment and that way you don't regret it later on. And if it's not a good kiss then you know that like okay maybe our physical chemistry is not right but at least you know versus now you've been like five dates down you haven't kissed now there's a lot of pressure on it um just going when there's an opening i think is

so important and also make sure you go for that first kiss before she chops your head off with an axe because then it's so much harder to just make it happen. Yeah, Connell. I think that should probably be your number one piece of advice. I think that would go very far for many men. Let's talk about banter because you just mentioned that. You and I have something in common, although you're actually professional. I'm a fun amateur. Improv. You're an actor. You've taken years and years of improv training, as I understand it. And I'm an improv. I love improv. I found it to be an incredible way to get more confident, talking to people, gets you in touch with your silly playfulness. It helped me a lot with my dating banter.

Ooh, tell me more. Well, I found the idea of yes and, agreeing with your scene partner. All the concepts that are so great in improv can absolutely help, especially like an introverted, less verbally confident man on a date because he can learn the art of connecting with people and being playful and yes anding yourself. We don't need to go down a rabbit hole of nerdy improv, although I can. We'll do that on our office. But in terms of banter in your dating history, what's your definition of good banter? Any tips or any things that you really enjoyed from men you've met? Oh, yes.

I think to be someone who's good at banter, you have to really be someone who listens. I think. I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Colonel! I'm sorry. Who is this again? Oh, Melania.

I'm so over this. And scene. Okay. Please proceed. Now you're getting the axe. Regret. Okay. Please proceed. Now you're getting the ax. Regret. Okay. The moment. I think you really do have to be someone who listens because I think a lot of people are not used to actually having someone listen. Everyone's just waiting for their turn to talk. And I think that can happen a lot in dates, especially if you've been on quite a few. So I try to really stay away from those conversations of like, I mean, obviously you do want to know this, but the, oh, hi, I'm Melanie.

Like, what do you, what do you do for work? Oh, finance. How long have you been doing that? Oh, okay. Do you like it? These kinds of conversations do nothing for us. And of course it is important to know like actual facts about this person's life. But when it comes to banter, I think

these little stories that we tell, like now you know that I love medieval times, you know that I loved your crime. I think those little nuggets that you can run away with are where banter gets really fun. Cause then you think, oh man, like I, there were so many things to say. I cannot wait. The thing about dating someone long-term is that eventually you, you don't run out of things to say. I cannot wait. The thing about dating someone long term is that eventually you don't run out of things to say by any means. But there will be days where the conversation revolves around, oh my gosh, did you watch The Golden Bachelor? What do you think about Gary? Oh, he's so charming. Can you fall in love after XYZ day? I think you want to find someone whose conversation style is really compatible with yours. I love telling stories. I go on tangents all the time. How dare

you nod right now, Connell? How dare you? I won't thank you. Sir? I'm just yes-anding you. You are. You are. But I think banter is all about having stories and finding different things and genuinely asking questions about the things that you're interested in. Because if you're really interested in The Golden Bachelor and trashy reality TV, then oh my gosh, we have a whole nother topic to talk about. Maybe you're like, oh, she loves medieval times. Have you ever gone to a Renaissance fair? Oh my gosh, I love Ren fairs. There are so many ways to continue the conversation that still feel really organic. So I think it really goes back to that yes and of like, oh my gosh, I'm hearing you. And here's a little tidbit that I think you would find

valuable. I love things like that. And I think it really enhances the date. And you and I have actually been doing something in this conversation naturally, because I think we're both naturally bantery people, is we're bouncing around from multiple topics and going back to old topics. Yes. Axe murder jokes, true crime, office. So good. But we're back to the main point here of, hey, this is Melanie's day to share some wisdom on a podcast. But we bounce around. Similarly, on a date, I tell my

guys, I say, look, the date's about you and her hopefully connecting and getting to know each other. But it's totally fine to sort of like you're in bumper cars together, moving around to different topics. And that can feel really good because our brain likes that variety where it's office, ax murder, renaissance fair. But then back to sort of the main point. Does that make sense? It absolutely makes sense. And also, I think what it does is it leaves room for a follow-up. So if you and I were on a date, obviously we're not because you were taken and no. But if we were on a first date, after the date, I might text you and go, okay, I just watched

The Office, the episode where Andy does Sweeney Todd and I thought of you. We need to go and have, there's this karaoke place or this trivia place nearby that does The Office nights. Do you want to go? It leaves room for fun little tidbits and follow-up. And I think that's so important because A, it shows that you were listening and B, it shows that we are compatible. And I think that's what we're looking for. Yeah, exactly. So my girlfriend, Jess, she actually texted me before our first date. We texted a hundred times before we actually met. And she texted and I quote, I was so happy to see this.

I'm really liking our banter because we had this great, fun banter. And so I just want to be clear to my listener, banter is a great bonus. It's a great addition. It's not required. You don't have to be some improv comedian master communicator, but it is good to learn the art of light, playful conversation about various topics as you get to know each other. That's how I define banter. It doesn't have to be incredible comedy like you and I are doing right now. If I may say so. No, it's so good. And I do think that so much of good banter, though, is being someone who knows what you like. Like, I could never date someone who really was not interested in anything culturally or did not want to travel.

And so if you're some the thing I think the thing is, you have to be single and have time to develop your own interests. And so I think for these amazing men listening to this podcast with you, Connell, I think it's okay to be single. It is okay to have time for yourself and go, okay, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for right now. I'm like, oh, maybe I spent six months on a farm in Laos, or maybe I spent a year learning another language, or maybe, I don't know, you learned how to be really good at solitaire. Okay, great. Then that's something we can talk about because why? I don't understand. Why are you interested in solitaire? I have questions. It's okay to use this time for yourself and not feel

like you have to be dating if you don't want to. Well said. Okay. In our last five or six minutes, you have another five, six minutes. You still good to go? Yeah, I'm good. Okay. I want to let you go back to planning your next murder spree. So I want to be respectful of your time. There's so many documentaries right now. My head is not in a good place. There's so much. I know. There's so much true crime out there. There is so much true crime. It's hard to turn it off once it turns on. It really is.

Let's talk. Oh, another question about dating you can speak for all women if you want or yourself or both you yes i take that back you are now about to speak for four billion women great easy done i don't have to worry this is great there are i think there are a handful of common myths about what women want things Things that I find are things like a lot of men think, oh, women only want looks or money, or you've got to be super charismatic. Those are the kinds of things I hear from time to time. That's just some things I hear from men. What would you say? What's a big myth that many men have in their minds about dating, either about women or about dating? What's a big myth that we can correct right now? Oh, man, that is such a fantastic question, Connell. I think one myth,

oh, man, I'm like, there's so many things popping in my mind. I think one myth is that you have to be perfect right out the gate. I think men are like, oh, like all these women have checklists. Like I'm not, I don't meet the checklist. And realistically, when the right person comes along, I think, I mean, the last person I dated had nothing on the checklist. I did have a checklist. I still do have a checklist. But I think when you meet the right person, it doesn't matter. If you guys make sense together, then the rest will be figured out, you know what is your checklist or what's on your checkbook um well number one just be michael b jordan i am

literally my whole life just falls apart when i think about michael b jordan as evidenced by me knocking over my gear okay cool you heard it from, sir, at home listening to this. If you're Michael B. Jordan, you too can have an amazing dating life. Please, please. My checklist, someone has to, I think the big thing for me is I have to feel really taken care of. I need someone who, not financially or anything, but I need someone who, you know, when I get home from the airport and it's 2am and I've been gone for a month, I want someone who like leaves out my pajamas or like writes a cute little note or stays up to make sure that I get home safe. That's something that's really important to me. That is really cute. I,

she's probably going to hear this. So Jess, sorry for revealing stuff. I once wrote, I cat-sitted for her cat Boots when Jess was out of town for a few days. And I left a note for her in Boots' handwriting that she just loved. Like, dear Jess, Connell was so nice to me and gave me wet food. Like letters backwards and stuff like a cat. And that, yeah. But your pajama tip was great. So you're basically talking about like the little like little sweetnesses.

Yeah. Once you get to know somebody in a relationship. Yeah. Yeah. I think, you know, I am. How do you feel about love languages? Do you believe in them? Are you?

I see a lot of truth in them. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. So like my love language I've learned and the way that I show love to people is through acts of service. And so, you know, I am that person who like, okay, if I know you're getting up with my previous relationship, I think I made him lunch because he was going through grad school. I think I made him lunch every day for three years not because he wanted me to or like asked me to but i was like i think if it's if there's one thing that i can do that's going to make your life a little easier i'm going to do it and i think knowing what what your love language is is really important knowing what your significant

others love language is is really important like some people are really into physical touch so okay when they come home or maybe if it's on that first date like putting your arm around them like putting your hand like i don't know doing those little things that you know will be specific for them is so important and so much of that comes from getting to know that person really well on a date are they very complimentary do they say oh my gosh connell your hair looks amazing or oh my gosh like i loved what you wrote on xyz those things okay then that person's love language might be words of affirmation so when you go after the date you follow up and say okay connell it was so nice to meet you you're so charming and like this was such a great time i would love to go out on another on another date or

you know figuring out what those little things are that makes that person happy is gonna make such a difference because every everybody's checklist is going to be really different. I'm so glad you just said that last part. Everybody's checklist is going to be different. Yeah. And because a lot of men struggle with, oh, you know what? Every woman wants X, Y, and Z. And you know what?

Some women might want whatever your X, Y, and Z is. Charismatic, tall, successful. Nothing wrong with those things. No, that's and Z is. Charismatic, tall, successful. Nothing wrong with those things. No, that's great. But is every woman like that? No. I don't have a six-pack abs. I have a two-liter. Great. We love it. Yeah. I have a dad bod. I'm a man. I love dad bods. I'm a gent on the street with the dad bod and the sheets. And my girlfriend, Jess is cool with that.

So that was so ridiculous. Don't feel like you have to be Mr. Six pack abs. Some women might like that, but your point was great. Every, every woman has her own blueprint for what she's looking for. Right?

Yeah. And I think realizing that what you have for all your listeners out there, I mean, unless they are a murderer, not into that. I am not into that. Someone else could be. But I think you do have something really wonderful to offer. And the thing is, no one's going to see what you have to offer if you stay home on your couch and watch The Golden Bachelor. You need to put yourself out there because no one's like you're not gonna find love sitting on your couch you know boom two final questions and then we can get back to you spilling coffee all over your home that's in here it's bad it's real bad almost every guy listening to this wants to be able to

approach flirt with chat with women they meet out in the world. But many of them think, oh no, it's creepy. It's weird. It's wrong. I'm afraid to. Can you talk a little bit about how you feel about a man you don't know coming up and talking to you, things you have noticed when they do it well or things you don't like? Yes. Or just how you feel about it in general. So one thing that's on my checklist is, on the checklist, the list, is that I will never approach anyone because one of the things that I really need is, so in my job, I'm an actor and I'm a host. In my job, I am around really beautiful, talented, wonderful men and women all day long. And so I need someone who is going to be really confident, who is not going to be jealous or feel some type of way about that.

So I need someone who's going to take the initiative. And that is, so I will never approach because if you're not willing to approach me, then you're probably not someone who takes the initiative in the way that I like. Again, everybody's list is different. So I've only been approached, actually I've been approached a fair list is different. So I've only been approached, actually, I've been approached a fair amount of times. And I think the best way to do it is really finding something in the environment to talk about or like, oh my gosh, this bar is so fun. I noticed you've been watching soccer. Are you a big fan? Something so simple or saying like, oh man, what are you drinking? That looks horrible. I'd be like, okay, that's so funny. And also it does taste horrible.

So here we already, we have something to talk about. I think you don't have to overthink it. I know it's really not a fair thing to put on men. And of course there are women who love, love, love to be the first to approach. Again, it's not something that I like to do simply because I know it's something that's really important to me for someone to take that initiative. But I think just going for it is so important. And if it doesn't work out,

okay, well, that's fine. At least you tried. And then that gives you the confidence to go and approach someone else who you think is intriguing or funny. And it can feel good. I can tell you as a man, it can feel good to go and approach someone else who you think is intriguing or funny. And it can feel good. I can tell you as a man, it can feel good to go for it. Obviously, if you, somebody like you, likes me, wants to go on a date with me, oh my gosh, that'll change your life. But even if you say, hey, thanks, but no thanks. I'm in a relationship or I'll pass.

Even that can feel really good for just taking a swing at the plate. So I tell my guys, approach an attractive woman to do it with good intentions, and it's a guaranteed win. Because either you get a date or you get to put another brick in the cathedral of your character as an authentic man. And that's also a win. Oh, the cathedral of your character. Connell, that was incredible. I've said it before, but it sounded improvised.

No, it did sound improvised. I was like, ooh, cathedral, your character. Yeah, you just got to go for it. I know it's really hard because nobody wants to be rejected. I understand that. And that's not fun. But you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. And sometimes approaching someone at a bar or approaching someone on the subway, that's you buying a ticket. And every no gets you closer to that yes.

Maybe you approach 10 women and all the women are incredible and they think you're so funny and they're in a relationship. That's not on you. And so then that 11th time you meet someone and you're like, oh my gosh, this is incredible. Had you not gone and really put that confidence into full gear on those other 10 women, you never would have taken the initiative to meet that 11. And every no will get you closer to that yes. You have to just do it. I know it's scary, but I think finding someone who is incredible and makes your life better

is so, so worth it. You are the wisest ax murderer I've ever talked to. You know, that is on my dating profile. So thank you so much, Donald. Cathedral being built. Wow. Last question. Since you're an actor, I've got to ask you. My guilty pleasure is rom-coms. I love rom-coms. Good, bad, I don't care. No, there are no bad. They're all good.

They all have such different plots. My girlfriend and I were watching High School Musical recently, and we just couldn't get enough. Do you have a favorite rom-com? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay. Okay. So, you know, I really love Maid of Honor spelled M-A-D-E with Patrick.

Is that J-Lo? No, it's a wedding planner. Yeah. Oh, I also love wedding planner. The plot is askew, but I don't care. It's fantastic. Anything with J-Lo really. Wedding planners is definitely fantastic.

Maid in Manhattan, also great. So I think that might be the one you're thinking of. But I love, love, love, love. Also, I actually love Hitch. So this is perfect. I was being excited when you asked me to come on here. There's just so many good ones. Oh, I forgot.

The Princess Switch series on Netflix. Oh, I don't know that. The Princess Switch. Okay Netflix. Oh, I don't know that. The Princess Switch. Okay. It is so absurd. It's Vanessa Hudgens. And she is a princess who doesn't really want to be a princess. And then she runs into this baker named Stacy who looks exactly like her.

And then they decide to switch places as one does. It's incredible. I can't wait. That's on the list. I have a theory. I have a theory. So a lot of guys get bad advice out there, like be sexual, do the pickup stuff. And'm like you know what i think i think women want to meet the guy in a lifetime rom-com yes um he's a little cheesy he's a little maybe even a little grumpy but what i mean is he's authentic he's genuine he's a little cheesy and he does flirt but it's very g-rated it's lifetime it's and so i i tell guys don't be this but don't be cinemax be lifetime be the guy in the lifetime rom-com at least for the first couple of dates. And then things can progress.

I love that so much. Exactly. I want to meet someone. Okay. So actually, this is perfect because in so many of these holiday movies, the trope is that the big city girl is going to a small town and then she leaves behind like her big city job that she hates and this boyfriend who was terrible and like probably yells at children in hospitals or whatever. And so the person she falls for is the person who, you know, is running like the Christmas

tree lot or cares about family and is home visiting to take care of his grandma or the person who, you know, is helping somebody cross the road. You know, I think really what we're looking for is someone who, when it's stripped down, they're just a really good person. I mean, not that the big city person who yells at children couldn't be good. There might be something redeeming about that. I don't know. To each their own, but we're all looking for someone who just makes us feel seen and like there could be possibility. Well said. All right. Check out this transition. Speaking of seeing Melanie, how can people see more of you? Pretty smooth, right? Oh, fancy. Can you tell us about your hosting career or how

people can see and hear more from you out in the world? Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for that, Connell. I'm so excited. I mean, I truly am so excited for all your listeners because you are incredible. I mean, I guess you're okay. I take that back. You're all right. You and your two leader. One of the best way to see me to follow along on like my day to day is on Instagram at Melanie Sutra. I also have a website where you can see lots of my hosting work. I've done a lot of regional and national television. And I'm so excited. Once the SAG Afterstrike is over, you can see me on a few other projects that I've been working on over the past year that I'm incredibly excited about. So make sure to

follow along. I think Instagram is the best way and then I'll link to all the fun things. But I just wanted to really thank you. This has been so lovely. And I'm so grateful that your men have such a fantastic resource. I know dating is hard. And I think having someone like you at the helm where you truly want to see people succeed is so, so valuable, truly invaluable. Thank you so much, Melanie. Follow Melanie Sutrathada on Instagram at Melanie, and then it's S-U-T-R-A. Also, MelanieSutrathada.com. By the way, your Instagram is so colorful and vibrant. It cured my colorblindness today. It's like so awesome.

All of a sudden, I can see the colors of the world. Thank you for fixing my rods and cones. It's incredible. Thank you, Melanie. You're the best. And thank you for listening. And remember, your dream relationship, she's already out the best. And thank you for listening. And remember your dream relationship. She's already out there and she already likes you. She just has to be the real

authentic you. Till next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.