How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - 8 Tested Tips to Escape “Interview Mode” on Dates and Create a Connection

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

Have you ever fallen into “interview mode”? That’s when you ask your date lots of boring questions (“How was your day? What’s your job? How many siblings do you have?”) that lead to bad dates. Instead of connecting with her, you interrogate her. And there’s no second date because she “just didn’t feel a connection.”Interview mode is frustrating, but you can fix it… TODAY! In this episode of the Dating Transformation podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett shares 8 tested tips to help you become magnetic to your next date, so you can spark a romantic, authentic connection… and get her asking YOU questions.Listen now, to make your next date great.FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"It's OK to ask her questions on first date. Just ask the RIGHT questions, or else you'll bore her, and there will be no second date."- Connell Barrett"Be true to yourself and find the emotional connections we all share. We have more in common than we realize"- Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction00:47 - Breaking Free from the Interrogation Mode02:40 - Overcoming Interview Mode Misconceptions07:18 - Creating a Connection on the First Date11:18 - The Art of Asking Good Questions on Dates18:17 - Bonding through Shared Passions22:10 - Teasing Playfully: Sharing Concert Experiences23:49 - Connecting through Childhood Tales26:00 - Asking Game-Changing Questions on First Dates27:21 - Building Trust and Connection: The Power of Questions27:53 - Outro

You don't want to interrogate a woman on a date. You don't want to be like an NYPD cop asking her questions in the back room. Where were you on the night of July 14th? Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Conal Barrett, helping you attract incredible, wonderful women, learn to flirt and get a great girlfriend, all by being radically authentic. Your best you. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And no fake be an alpha male BS needed. You don't need that. You are enough. Girls like you for you. And today I want to help you fix one of the biggest problems that men struggle with in their dating lives, which is if you're like most guys, this has probably happened to you. You've fallen into dreaded

interview mode on dates or when talking to a woman or texting. Interview mode, quote unquote, is a big problem that holds a lot of guys back. It might hold you back because what happens is you're not sure what to say, you get stuck in your head, and because you don't know what to offer, you don't know what to say about yourself or how to flirt, you end up falling back into the comfortable zone of just asking her questions.

And that can lead to a lot of sort of conversation, fine, perfectly fine conversations, first dates that go okay, where the conversation flows, you ask, she answers, but it ends up feeling more like an interrogation. You don't want to interrogate a woman on a date. You don't want to be like an NYPD cop asking her questions in the back room. Where were you on the night of July 14th? What do you do? Where were you born? How many brothers and sisters do you have? You don't want to get stuck in interview mode because it doesn't create that mutual spark that you and she wants to feel. So then the problem with the interview mode is you know you're in it, but you don't know how to get out of it. So today I'm going to help you get out of quote unquote interview mode.

First, we're going to look at what interview mode is, why it happens. I'm also going to puncture a big myth for you about interview mode and actually let you know that it's not always a bad thing. And then by the end of this episode, you're going to get eight really good questions to ask on dates that are not interview mode in the sense that it's going to hurt you. These are eight great questions to ask on a first date. So let's get into it. Let's talk about the problem of interview mode. Because if you're like most guys, you meet her, you're having a drink, you're getting to know each other, and you just catch yourself falling into that question, question, question mode. And it becomes less of a date and more you interrogating her, like you're an investigative journalist or an attorney in a courtroom interrogating a witness.

And that is not the vibe we want on a date. And that can really hurt your confidence. It can lead to the friend zone. It can lead to hearing the dreaded, hey, it was nice meeting you. You seem like a good guy, but I just didn't feel a connection. So that's what interview mode can do to you. But here's the thing about interview mode, and I really want to make this clear. Most everybody gets interview mode wrong. Here's the big thing about interview mode. And I really want to make this clear. Most everybody gets interview mode wrong. Here's the big myth about interview mode. Interview mode itself is not a bad thing. What I mean is it's not a bad thing to ask women questions on dates.

In fact, it's weird not to ask questions. Ignore those pickup artist guys who say, only make statements, only be an alpha male, only make statements and avoid questions. Ignore those pickup artist guys who say, only make statements, only be an alpha male, only make statements and avoid questions. That's bullshit. Humans ask questions. We do it all the time, especially to people who are getting to know each other. So don't be afraid of asking questions. Here's really what interview mode is. Interview mode is asking boring or logical or informational questions repeatedly and not offering anything about yourself. So don't be afraid of asking questions of her as long as they're good questions and as long as they're questions that you then answer about

yourself. So here are two rules to smash you out of interview mode. Avoid logical informational questions and instead ask more emotionally charged questions. So for example, instead of how long have you been at your job? That's informational. Ask her, what do you love most about your job? What lights you up about your job? That's emotional and more compelling to women. Or instead of, where did you grow up? That's informational. You might instead ask, oh, you grew up in XYZ place. What was that like? How did you feel about growing up in Southern California? What was it like growing up in Ohio? Did you love it? Did you hate it or both? So you want to tap into emotions. So interview mode is asking repeated logical informational

questions. Getting out of interview mode, asking good questions are going to be asking more emotionally charged, not necessarily romantic questions, but emotionally charged questions. And a second rule you can use to smash out of interview mode is... I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them

attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Conal or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self So you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today. At datingtransformation.com forward slash contact.

And grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence. Better results. And attracting bright beautiful women. Oh, so you know. Soon Conal will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. Anytime you catch yourself asking repeated questions, take a moment, check in with yourself

and answer that question that you asked her as if she had asked you the same question. Because even if you get into that nice, sweet spot of good, fun, flirty, emotionally charged questions, you still don't want to ask 10 in a row without ever asking anything, or I should say without ever offering your own answers to those questions. So if you've noticed that you just asked her, hey, what's your favorite movie ever? What TV shows do you like? What's your favorite drink? If you catch yourself asking repeated questions, good or bad questions, take a moment and say, hey, what's my favorite show? And then offer that opinion to her about your favorite TV show as if she had asked you. Because we want to make sure we're giving an offering in our conversations with women on First Dates just as much as we're asking her to carry that load. We want it to be roughly 50-50, 60-40, back and forth of you and she

sharing about each other. So we're going to go a lot deeper in a second, but that's the Cliff's Notes version of how to get out of interview mode. Ask emotionally charged questions instead of logic, and then answer any question you ask her. Take a step back, catch yourself falling into the interview pattern, and then you answer that question yourself. Okay. Let's go a little bit deeper on this whole topic because I want to tell you a quick story. I had a first date many, many years ago. I had a first date with a wonderful woman from Match. I met on the app Match. And I just wasn't... I had a big epiphany that night. And I really wasn't in a super talkative mood in terms of... I wasn't feeling

really outgoing. I wasn't feeling really charismatic. And so I mainly asked her questions. And that's not necessarily good dating strategy. But if you're asking good questions, it can actually be a great dating strategy. So I had a first date with this woman named Rebecca. And I just said, I just was, I guess I was tired. Maybe I was a little bit in my head. And I just, I mostly focused on trying to find out what makes her interesting, trying to find out what makes her fascinating. And in my previous career, before I became a

dating coach, I was a magazine journalist and interviewer. So I got really good at interviewing people and finding out what makes them tick and asking them good questions. And that served me a lot with this date. And I remember we had a two-hour date, and I basically shared next to nothing about myself. A little bit, little bits and pieces, but mostly it was me asking Rebecca all about her career, what she loved about it, helping her tell stories about her family, learning what she was like as a kid, asking really fun, silly questions, which I'll share some at the end of this podcast, but questions like, okay, what actress would play you in the movie of your life? Really making her think in a fun, compelling way. Frankly, I just didn't have the energy that day or the inclination to offer my own

authentic personality and self. So I just let her do most of the talking. And I thought it was really interesting because as we were texting, she texted me on the way home. We said goodnight. We had a nice kiss goodnight. And she later texted me that night. She said, I remember the text vividly. She said, you're the most interesting person I've met in a long time. Winky face. And I remember looking at that text thinking, I didn't say anything about me. I said, I shared next to nothing about myself. What she found interesting about me was that I was finding out what's interesting about her. I was making her feel special, connected, interesting, fascinating, because I was asking good questions that helped her to feel that way.

So I did, technically, I did kind of interview her, but it wasn't interview mode because I was asking good questions. So I'm going to share a bunch of what some of those are. And I guess what I'm trying to say here is don't be afraid of asking questions, as long as they're good questions, as long as they're not relentlessly informational, logical questions, and as long as you offer good thoughts about yourself or good information, opinions, feelings about yourself, and basically showing her a window into your life. I actually didn't do a good job on that date of doing that. But because she was meeting the authentic me, the authentic me is a very inquisitive person. I like to find out what makes people tick. And because I was talking

about her favorite subject herself, through the lens of good emotions, the lens of finding out who she is, what makes her tick, I became really interesting to her. So don't be afraid of questions. Be afraid of logical, boring, informational questions and only asking those. That's interview mode. That's the friend zone. That's first date death. Let's talk about the art of asking good questions. In fact, okay, let's get into this. Let's talk about the art of emotional connection and how to emotionally connect with a woman by asking her the right question. Here's how you do it. This is all, there's a whole chapter about this in my book, Dating Sucks, but you don't. But I want to give you the very best tip right here, right now. So here's one way to create an emotional connection with a woman.

So here's my favorite first date question to ask and how to use that question to create some emotional commonalities. The question is this. Here's something I pretty much asked every woman I had a first date with in some way, shape, or form. The question is, what lights you up more than anything else? And then you listen to her answer, and then you ask her, why? Why does it light you up? So it's really a two-part question. What lights you up more than anything? And then the follow-up question is, why? Or put another way, it's, well, how does that thing make you feel, that thing that lights you up? And then what you do as a man is you're listening to her, of course. You're finding out what she loves to do in life more than anything else. And then you're listening to what that

vehicle makes her feel. And then you look in your life, you look into your life for something that makes you feel the same way. And then you let her know that you totally understand how she feels because you feel the same way when you do X, Y, Z. Even if her vehicle for feeling lit up and amazing is different than your vehicle for feeling lit up and amazing, you're going to be feeling the same way. And that helps to create an emotional connection with women let me give you an example uh shortly before the pandemic i had a first date with a woman i met on the dating apps uh and i'll call her jennifer and jennifer and i had a first date

and jennifer is somewhat younger than me, slightly younger generation. So she and I, I could tell that going into the date, she and I weren't going to have a lot of commonalities in terms of specific maybe music we both listened to or perhaps movies, music. I wasn't expecting us to have a lot of commonalities just because she's mid-20s and at the time I was late 40s. So, but here's the thing about first dates. You don't need, it's a nice bonus if you have commonalities, if you both like the same band or the same TV show or grew up in the same state.

Those are nice bonuses, but they're not required to create some emotional sparks. So I had this first date with Jennifer. And at one point, I asked that question. I said, hey, I'm just curious, what lights you up more than anything? What do you love to do more than anything else? And she thought about it. She said, well, I love to paint. She does painting and she does sculpture. And I said, okay, cool. What is it about painting and sculpture that you love? In other words, how does it make you feel?

And she took a deep pause and she thought about it. I don't think anybody had ever asked her this. And she said, well, when I'm painting and doing sculpture work, I feel really, it's like time stops. I feel really creative. I'm accessing the creative side of me. And she said, and I just feel like time stops. And I just get lost in the moment and just lost in that creativity. And then what I did is I went into my mind, my heart, and said, what makes me feel that way?

By the way, I cannot paint. I've never sculpted in my life. So I don't have that surface level commonality. But what I do have, like all of us have, is we all have emotional commonalities. And so I went into my mind and I thought, okay, what do I do that makes me feel really creative? What gets me lost in the moment? And I went to, my thought was improv. So I do improv comedy, musical improv comedy mainly. And I said, oh gosh, I feel exactly the same way. Or I feel really similar because when I'm doing improv, I'm being so

creative. 20 minutes goes by like two seconds and I just feel like I'm so in my body and like in the moment. She said, yeah, I feel the same way. I'm in my body when I'm painting or when I'm like sculpting clay into a pot or into whatever she's sculpting. And I think I probably said something like, oh yeah, I hear you. I'm like sculpting the scene, sculpting a funny comic set piece with my scene partner. It's kind of like sculpture. I was really leaning into the sculpture thing. And we really clicked and connected. And we had a great date. And we dated for a while. The pandemic sort of ended it, but that's life. And so this woman who I didn't have a lot in common with surface level, what I did is I asked her the, what lights you up question. Because when you find out what really

lights somebody up, they're basically telling you what makes them tick, what makes them who they are as a person, what makes them feel incredible. And so that's my favorite first date question is, what lights you up? And then the important follow-up to that is, and how does that make you feel? Why do you love to travel? Why? How do you feel when you're skiing? Basically, the follow-up question is, how do you feel?

Hope that makes sense. So that's something you can do on every date. So again, the steps are, ask her what lights her up, what she loves to do. Listen. Say why. How does that, how does that make you feel? And you're listening to the emotional reason she does that thing, whatever it is, whether it's painting or sculpture or travel or kickball or, or closing a case in the courtroom, if she's a lawyer or operating, if she's a doctor, or dancing if she's a dancer.

And then you're listening. And then you want to go into your mind and say, hey, what makes me feel very similar? And then you two get to authentically connect, authentically connect over two completely different vehicles. So improv comedy, in my case, and painting and sculpture for Jennifer, two very different things. But we had the underlying emotional commonality. That's my favorite first date question. And it's something to work on, explore. And what I love about this is that you're, yes, you're doing a little bit of investigation into kind of who she is and what makes her tick, but it's totally real. You're actually finding out who she is as a person and relating it back to who you are as a guy. And then when the sparks, the romantic connection happens, it's happening organically in that real, genuine, authentic way, as opposed to just trying to be who you think she wants you to be.

You don't have to do that. You get to authentically be you. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity.

Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can

confidently approach women and get dates become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking always know what to say to make sparks fly get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. And just find out the things you share emotional commonalities because the bottom line is there's really only a handful of emotional commonalities and we all share them, right? There are certain

things in life that make you feel creative and her certain things in life that make you feel connected to yourself or connected to others, certain things at life, certain things in life that give you like a peak experience and make you feel excited and sort of turned on emotionally. So the vehicles that make these things happen, not nearly as important as the underlying emotions. So that's my favorite game-changing first date question, the what lights you up question. Here are seven more. Here are seven more fantastic first date questions. And to get out of interview mode, again, don't be afraid of questions. Be afraid of logical informational questions. So feel free to ask any or all of these questions on a first

date. And the most important thing is other than asking these questions, the other thing you want to make sure you do is that you answer any or all of these questions yourself. So don't just only ask her these seven questions. Ask her, I should say, ask her and then listen, of course, and then feel free to then tell her your answer to these same questions. That way you're giving, you're adding feelings, thoughts, information, your true self to the date just as she is. And then both of you are putting your authentic selves out there. So here are seven great first date questions to get you out of that informational logical friend zone that comes from quotequote interview mode. Here we go. Number one is, what's your dream travel destination? Because hey, everybody likes talking travel. Every woman has an answer to this question. Hopefully you do as well. What's your dream

travel destination? And feel free to follow that up with the question, why? Why is it Hawaii? Why is it Sweden? Why is it Newark, New Jersey? No, just kidding. Nobody wants to go to Newark, New Jersey. Okay. Yeah. Next question, number two is, who should play you in the movie of your life? What a fun, unusual question. Who should play you in the movie of your life? What a fun, unusual question. Who should play you in the movie of your life? See, this question caters to your date's ego. And whatever actress she chooses is going to clue you in on how she sees herself. And of course, you would then say, who should play you in the movie of your life? I don't know about you, but clearly the guy who should play me in the movie of my life is Brad Pitt. You know, he would just have to dye his hair ginger.

Okay. Next question is, who did you see for your very first concert? I love that question. That's a great question because music is a great date topic. So prepare to be super impressed when she mentions Beyonce or really sad. Tease. Tease her. Joke a little bit if her first concert was Nickelback. God forbid. Next question. Number four of our seven great first eight questions is, what was the best day of your life? What was the best day of your life? Now, this question is a powerful one because it takes your date back in time to a big life moment that if it's the best day of her life, she's going to love reliving.

And it's also going to take things way deeper than just a surface level chat. By the way, I would hold off the what's the best date of your life question until a little ways into the date, right? Don't walk in, give her a hello hug, say, hey, nice to meet you. Grab a seat. What was the best day of your life? No, don't do that. Wait, get into the moment a little bit, get some rapport going. Ask a couple lighter questions, and then you can ask this question. Okay, next one is, what do you love most about your job slash career? What do you love most about it? This one lets you both talk about your work in a positive, emotionally evocative way. Again, rather than boringly

asking, what do you do? So again, information and logic is dry and often boring. Emotions are what women want to feel. And frankly, they're what you want to feel. So don't just settle for what do you do. It's fine to ask that question. Don't get me wrong. Don't be afraid of what do you do. But then follow up with this question, number five, what do you love most about your job career? Why do you love it so much? And then again, be ready to answer that question yourself and be ready to answer it in an emotionally compelling way. In other words, give some deep emotional reasons why you love what you do. First date question number six,

what were you like as a kid? What were you like as a kid? Sharing stories from childhood offers her a chance to be vulnerable, to tell funny stories, and yourself as well. I had one date during the pandemic, just one. I just needed to get out of my house and talk to another human being. It didn't go very far. I think we both were just lonely and wanted to talk to another human. But I asked this question of my date, and it led to this really funny story where she talked about when she was a kid, she loved Halloween. And for Halloween at school in fourth or fifth grade, she got dressed up as a clown. Big red nose, big floppy shoes, the red wig, the whole clown look. And she went to school for dress up for Halloween day.

And she gets to school and finds out that she had the wrong day. And she was the only person dressed up. And she spent the whole day dressed as a clown. It just led to a really funny story. And instead of just an informational question about, oh, where did you grow up? How many brothers and sisters do you have? A much better question is, what were where did you grow up? How many brothers and sisters do you have? A much better question is, what were you like as a kid? And here's one more. The seventh fantastic first date question is, what is your hidden talent? What's your hidden talent? Or what are you really good at that most people don't know you're good at? This allows her to show off a little bit,

lets her kind of brag. You're giving her permission to brag and show off a little bit while also revealing a secret, which builds trust. Sharing secrets, especially light, fun secrets, not heavy, sad secrets, but light secrets. Like what's your hidden talent that builds trust? And again, be ready to answer any of these questions yourself. If she's got relatively good social skills, she'll probably just turn the tables on you and say, hey, well, what's your hidden talent? What were you like as a kid? And that's nice. You're helping her ask you questions as well. But even if she doesn't literally ask you these questions, you can always say, oh, cool. Your hidden talent is doing an impression of Shrek with your Scottish accent. Great. Here's my talent. So be ready to

answer these questions yourself. Okay. Those are the seven fantastic first date questions, along with that game-changing question that I ask every first date about what lights you up more than anything else. And yeah, just to recap here, remember, interview mode, it's not asking questions that's bad. It's repeatedly asking logical questions, informational questions, and never offering anything about yourself. That's interview mode. To get out of it, ask these good first date questions, ask emotionally compelling questions, and also answer these same questions so that you're both sharing and contributing to the date. So these aren't just questions to ask her. These are also questions to ask yourself.

And do this, and you're going to be out of the interview zone, out of the friend zone, and you're going to have some really good first dates where some sparks are going to fly. Okay, that's the end of today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, and don't forget, women out there, they already like you. They want to date you. They want to be your girlfriend, some of them.

They just have to meet the real, authentic you. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com see you next time produced by heartcast media