How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - A Dating Coach Rates the Rom-Coms: ‘Love Actually’

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

‘Love Actually’ is now 20-years-old, and dating coach Connell Barrett is here to review the classic rom-com in terms of dating strategy. Listen in as he shares some lessons that YOU can use to improve your love life.So… let’s go get the sh*t kicked out of us by love!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes“Avoid dating someone you supervise or who supervises you. Workplace romances can be problematic, especially when a power dynamic is involved.” - Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite:https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction00:12 - The Love-Hate Relationship with Romcoms: Comedy vs. Strategies03:50 - Connell Barrett's Review of 'Love Actually'08:12 - The Danger of Inappropriate Workplace Relationships13:23 - Advocation for the First-Kiss Initiative15:27 - Cautionary Advice Against Desperate Romantic Gestures18:20 - Embracing Romantic Risks for Love and Connection21:49 - Lessons to Learn: Dating Strategy from 'Love Actually23:57 - OutroProduced by Heartcast Mediahttps://www.heartcastmedia.com

Oh boy, I guess Colin Firth's girlfriend really wanted to hit that. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, Dating Coach Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Dating Coach Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract an amazing partner, and doing it all with authenticity. And today I have a special, a very special episode. This is unlike other pod episodes I've done. Today I am doing the first in what will become a recurring series on the pod where I break down and review rom-coms, romantic comedy movies. And what I'm going to do is break them down and rate them in terms of dating, not so much as a movie, but in terms of dating strategy. And this episode, we're starting with a movie that turns 20 years old this year,

Love Actually. Love Actually is, you might know it, it's basically the pulp fiction of chick flicks. It involves nine or 10 different intertwining romantic stories. And it's a really funny, good, and very flawed movie. And I talk about it coming up in this episode. And it stars Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, Liam Neeson, among many others. And if you haven't watched this movie, I definitely recommend you check it out. And what I'm going to share with you, so basically what I'm going to do is switch over to

an audio slash video I made where I'm breaking the movie down scene by scene. And so you're about to listen to that. But here are a couple main points to take away from Love Actually. Because I'm a huge rom-com movie fan. I love rom-coms. The thing about rom-coms is the grand gestures that you do in a rom-com are going to get you arrested in real life. And probably my biggest love-hate relationship with rom-coms as a dating coach is that I love the comedy in a good one and I love the heart, but I hate so many of the strategies that the characters use. And so here's your one big do and your one big don't from Love Actually. The big do is you do want to take romantic risks.

You can't have a really great single life as a single man without taking some romantic risks. Going for that first kiss, sending the flirtatious text, asking your crush out. So that's something you can learn from love actually is take risks. Another thing you can learn from love actually is what not to do. Don't make grand romantic gestures. Don't tell someone you barely know that you love them. Tell them you like them, but not that you love them. Don't tell someone you barely know that you love them. Tell them you like them, but not that you love them. Don't fat shame. There's so much fat shaming in love, actually. It's terrible.

Don't sprint through airport security to go tell your crush that she's the one. You're not going to get the shit kicked out of you by love. You're going to get the shit kicked out of you by airport security. So check this out. I'm really proud of this episode of a dating coach rating the rom-coms. So here it is, the very first of dating coach Connell Barrett rating and reviewing rom-coms. Love actually. Enjoy. And we'll see you next time. More like lust, actually. Am I right? I'm dating coach Connell Barrett, the real-life hitch, and today we're gonna review Love Actually, a classic rom-com that celebrates its 20th anniversary this year. So stick around to the very end of the video. We're gonna grade Love

Actually on a scale of one to five hearts in terms of dating strategy. Plus, I'm going to give you my top 3 tips from the movie that you can use to help your dating life. So let's do it. Let's get the s*** kicked out of us by Love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around. I love when a movie gets the name of its title in the movie said by a character. I think all movies should do this. You know, like, Whoa, Luke, those are some cool Star Wars. And by the way, he introduced me as John, but actually everyone calls me Jack.

Oh, fine. Nice to meet you, Jack. You got me right, though. I'm just Judy. Great, just Judy. Okay, did you see the look on her eyes when she was smiling and giggling? That, for a single guy, is what you wanna look for.

You wanna look for a woman's focus, and what is she saying with her eyes and her smile. Judy's not saying anything flirtatious but using her sub-communications she's showing Jack that she's interested. I just thought I'd pop back before the reception to see if she's better. This is good. Listen, I've been thinking. I think perhaps we ought to take mum out for her birthday on Friday. What do you think? I just feel we've been bad sons this year. Okay, sounds fine. A bit, you know, boring but fine.

Hurry up, big boy! I'm making my watch you at least twice before Jamie gets home. Oh boy. I guess Colin Firth's girlfriend really wanted to hit that. Just like you want to hit that like and subscribe button, right? It's nice and warm in here. Yeah, it's not always the case, is it? I was standing in for Brad Pitt once, seven years in Tibet. Yes, yeah. Bloody freezing.

Okay, so Martin Freeman's character is doing something interesting here. You don't want to brag around a woman you're interested in, but at the same time, you also want to let her know if you have cool things in your life. So what Martin Freeman's character did really well was humble brag. He didn't brag about having once been Brad Pitt's body double, he complained about it. Oh gosh, it was so cold when I was Brad Pitt's body double. So if you ever want to let your crush or your first date know something cool about you, but you don't wanna sound like you're bragging,

you can subtly complain about it. And that way it's not bragging, it's closer to humble bragging. Exactly how long it is that you've been working here? Two years, seven months, three days and I suppose what two hours? And how long have you been in love with Carl our enigmatic chief designer. Um... Two years, seven months, three days, and I suppose an hour and 30 minutes. All is much.

Do you think everybody knows? Yes. Do you think Carl knows? Yes. Oh, that is, that is bad news. Well Well I just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it. Okay I love this movie. You might say I love actually this movie. However there's so many problems that take place in the workforce in terms of inappropriate behavior starting with Alan Rickman as Laura Linney's boss for what almost starts off like a performance review talking about how she's in love with Carl.

So inappropriate. This isn't even a dating tip. I guess this is a management tip. If you manage somebody, keep it to your work and don't talk about your employees love lives but it's a movie so i love the movie but man there's a lot of inappropriate workplace behavior that we're going to get into christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives that's not you that's not me mich, Michael. When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish, and now I'm left with no one, wrinkled and alone.

Wow. Thanks for that, Bill. For what? Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn't often happen here at Radio Watford, I can tell you. Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth. Bill Nighy steals this movie. I love his character. And this is a great scene. I know this is not a romantic scene between Bill's character and this radio host, but notice how vulnerable and authentic Bill Nighy's character is being. He's just being really real.

Telling the truth. Telling it like it is. And when you're dating, you want to be really authentic and genuine with the other person. So it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to say things like, oh you know what sometimes I get lonely or the holidays have been tough for me. So bring that kind of authenticity and vulnerability to your dates because you're gonna make yourself stand out compared to all the other people who are just saying what you think they wanna hear. So be authentic.

Oh God, she's in. Right, and now she'll think I'm a total spaz if I don't go in too. It's freezing. in two. Oh,. Oh. It's freezing. It's not worth it. It's bloody Shakespeare. Alright, so I love this couple together. They're really good. They have a

genuine chemistry, a genuine connection. Now, it's not great that he is her boss. There's a lot of power dynamic issues in this movie, which is not how you want to date. I'm generally not a fan of dating people you work with, but six of the nine couples in this movie are work-related couples, and three of them have power dynamics where the man has the power. Don't do that. Do not date somebody at work if there's a power dynamic, if you manage them. It's just you don't want to get into it.

Okay, off my soapbox there. In terms of dating strategy or in terms of believability, I do love their genuine interest in each other. They seem to really like each other. I wish that in 2023 they probably would not have him just ogling her in her basically underwear. This is clearly the male gaze, and so the signals here are basically saying oh if a woman is beautiful and takes her clothes off you can fall in love that has not aged well i think what's really beautiful about what aurelia does it's not taking off her clothes even though she's very attractive it's the fact that she dives

in the water to help save his book that's a beautiful gesture i'm so glad that was part of the package but yeah a little too much ogling for my taste. But that said, these two are a really adorable couple. Well, good night. Night. Come. All I want for Christmas is you. Right.

Great scene. I love these two characters. Yes, they work together shooting their erotic movie, but at least they're coworkers as opposed to there being a power imbalance like with a couple other storylines. And here's your, here's your quick dating tip, especially for you gentlemen out there. Women generally want you to move in for that first kiss here. Martin Freeman's character. He's trying to go for that kiss.

He gets nervous and then he pulls back. then joanna page's character she steps up and she locks lips with him and then it's beautiful the thing is this is a movie and in real life if you don't go for that first kiss as the man as the gentleman there's a good chance that she won't and that you could get in the quote-unquote friend zone a lot of women really like it when the man makes that first move so go for that first kiss guys not every woman is quite as helpful as Joanna page although she went for it and that's totally fine too generally you're not gonna lose any points by going for a kiss even if she turns the cheek. However, if

you want to go for the kiss but you don't, you're too fearful, you might end up messing up your chances with her. Keep that in mind, gents. Oh! Oh, hi. Who is it? It's Carol Singers. It's Carol Singers. He doesn't look like a Carol Singers. That's weird.

He looks more like a Rick from Walking Dad. Did Rudy Giuliani give permission to use his likeness? I don't know. Okay, main tip here is when you barely know someone, like Rick from Walking Dead barely knows Keira Knightley's character, you do not wanna make giant grand gestures. Take it from a dating coach. Back in the day, before I became a dating coach, I was struggling with women and dating and I got way too into a woman.

And I actually flew cross country from New York City to San Francisco and I surprised her, having never met her, we'd only been messaging online. I surprised her, never met her we'd only been messaging online I surprised her showed up at her doorstep not with cue cards but with a box of lingerie from Victoria's Secret and also a dozen roses and she ghosted me she disappeared it was way too desperate way too much too soon. So don't do what Rick did here. Don't make some crazy grand gesture before you even know someone.

And definitely don't do it when she's married to your best friend. That's my tip. Enough. Enough now. It's a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs. But you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.

Wow. Thank you. Come here. It's been an honor. I love this clip. I love, again, Bill Nigh nye's character he's so vulnerable and genuine he cracks a lot of jokes he's very funny but also what makes him so memorable is he's not afraid to let in this case a bromance blossom by putting it out there that he loves his friend and

manager i'm not crazy about all the fat shaming in this movie. A lot of characters are mocked for being heavy, mostly women. In this case, it's his male manager. So that has not aged that well. But I do love the bromance here. This is probably the best overall connection in the whole film. And it's a bromance. It's not even romantic, but it's a bromance it's not even romantic but it's still beautiful plan didn't work though tell her that tell her what tell her that you love her no way anyway they fly tonight even better sam you've got nothing to lose and you'll always regret it if you don't i never told your mom enough you should have told her every day because she was perfect every day you've seen the films kiddo it ain't over till it's over okay dad let's do it let's go get kicked out of us by love yes all right i love that quote

that's probably the best quote from the whole movie. And I love the lesson here of there are times when we have to take romantic risks in our love life. If you want to find love and make a connection happen with that someone special, there are moments when you're going to have to say the risky thing, do the risky thing, put your heart out there and risk getting the kicked out of you by love. However, I would never advise anyone, especially a child, to make your opening pitch to somebody, a woman, I love you. He doesn't even know this young woman, this young girl in the movie. So instead of starting with I love you, you start with hey I like you or I'd like to get to know you or you're a great singer I would like to take you out for a date so don't do the big grand gesture where you start off with I love you that's way too much too soon but that's a rom-com trope and I forgive it. I don't know you, but sometimes things are very clear to me. All right. Colin is in love with young Aurelia and I like their storyline a lot.

They seem to have a genuine chemistry, a genuine interest in each other. They have a genuine chemistry and they also did a really nice job communicating their interest without words because you can flirt with somebody with your smile the way you look at them the energy you give off so that's all good stuff now again we've got rom-com syndrome here of the big grand gesture he's asking her to marry him, even though they've never even had a date or kissed. So that's jumping into the water way too soon. So you might say that Hugh granted her her Christmas wish. Okay, I'll just let myself out.

Final thoughts on Love Actually. I actually love this movie. As a rom-com, it's funny. Bill Nighy, Laura Linney, National Treasures. It's got a huge heart. This movie makes me smile. It always makes me laugh. However, as a dating coach, the dating strategy is very problematic.

We've got things that have aged very poorly. This movie has aged about as well as a bottle of warm Yoo-Hoo. We've got fat shaming, mainly of men shaming women. We've got all of these workplace romances where there's a power dynamic. At one point, Hugh Grant's prime minister character reassigns his attractive assistant because she's just too pretty for him to focus and concentrate. So we've got some real issues that have not aged that well so I'm gonna give love actually two out of five hearts in terms of dating strategy however there are three final tips and takeaways I want you to take away from

love actually tip number one is I want you to take romantic risks just like people in rom-coms take chances in your dating life there are gonna be moments when you need to approach that attractive stranger or ask out your crush or send that flirtatious scary text when in doubt take a romantic risk as long as you do it with empathy. Tip number two is do not date somebody who you manage or who they manage you. Stay away from workplace romances in general, but you absolutely do not want to date someone when there's a power dynamic. It opens up all kinds of issues. It's a hornet's nest. Don't do it. And tip number three is to avoid grand, big, romantic gestures too soon. What I mean is don't send love poetry to

somebody after one date. Don't tell someone you've barely ever met or had a date with that you love them. You might tell them that you love them. You might tell them that you like them. You might show interest, but you don't want to make some grand, giant gesture. This makes the other person feel pressured. It can put too much pressure on them and can make you come across as looking a little bit desperate or over-e So avoid big grand romantic gestures because if you ignore this advice then there's a good chance that you're going to be single for at least the next two years, seven months, three days, and I suppose an hour and 30 minutes. What do you love or hate about love actually? Leave your comment or you can ask me a dating question and I'll reply as

soon as I can. This has been dating coach, Conal Barrett, the real life hitch, rating the rom-coms. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.