How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Ask the Dating Coach: ‘HELP! She Wants Me to Baa Like a Sheep During Sex. What Do I Do?’

Episode Date: January 14, 2025

It’s time to “Ask the Dating Coach!” as Connell Barrett takes your questions. If you struggle with what to say on dates, Connell shares three essential flirting moves to help you spark romantic connections. (Farewell, Friend Zone!) He also reveals why women prefer nice guys over so-called alpha males. And a listener has a “sheepish” question about talking dirty in bed.Highlights from this episode:01:51: Andrew Asks: “A Woman Wants Me to Baa Like a Sheep in Bed. What Do I Do?”03:19: How to Talk Dirty Without Feeling Awkward08:57: Zach Asks: “Am I Too Nice? Do Women Only Want to Date Alpha Males?”11:25: Why the “Alpha Male” Is a Total Myth13:48: How Kindness, Confidence and Authenticity Will Help You Get a Girlfriend24:30: Barry Asks: “Why Can’t I Get Past the First Date?”25:52: Connell’s Aha Moment that Made Him Magnetic to Women31:07: Three Flirting Moves to Escape the Friend Zone and Land Second DatesHit play and start transforming your love life todayFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE GREAT FIRST DATES:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30WANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[e-mail]

To ba or not to ba? That is the question. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am dating coach Conal Barrett. I'm the real life Hitch. If Hitch was a nerdy ginger with glasses, I'm here to help you flirt with confidence, get dates, get a great girlfriend, and to do this all with authenticity. No sketchy, weird, toxic pickup moves needed. And today's episode is for you if you ever struggle to get second

dates. If you get that first date, I'm just not feeling it. Today is the episode for you. Or maybe you worry that maybe you're too nice. You're too safe. Women just aren't into you. You're an introvert. You're a nice, sweet introvert, but you're not that guy who women go for, that so-called alpha male. Then this episode is for you. I'm going to help you with that. Because today we're going to do something called Ask the Dating Coach. I have three fantastic questions from three of you fantastic listeners, and I'm going to answer them right now. I love these three questions. They're fantastic. The first one's going to blow your mind. It's a fun, amazing sex question. Get ready. Let me just give you a little housekeeping. If you want to ask me

any dating questions, please do send me an email and I will answer them right here on the pod. Email me at connell at dating transformation.com. That's C O N N E L L at dating transformation.com. You can ask me anything and I will answer it if I can on the air in an episode of Ask the Dating Coach. I also might answer it in my column. I write an advice column for the Good Men Project. So anyway, let's get to it. Let's get to question number one.

This is wild. Here we go. This comes from Andrew, a 33-year-old in Brooklyn, New York. Andrew writes, help. The woman I'm dating wants me to baa like a sheep during sex. What should I do? In his email to me, he wrote, hey, Connell, I'm okay with dirty talk in bed, but the woman I'm into and dating is into lambs. In the middle of sex, she says to me, you're my little lamb, aren't you? I try to play along and I say, yes, I'm your lamb. But now she's wanting me to make lamb noises.

She'll say, bah for me, bah for me, little lamb. I want to hear you bah. I'm no kink shamer, Andrew goes on to say, but I feel awkward making lamb noises. Should I tell her that I won't do it anymore? Okay, that's an amazing question. To bah or not to bah? That is the question. Andrew, I'm a big movie nerd. And I think that with this woman,

you have a choice between the silence of the lambs and bleat prey love. You still wake up sometimes, don't you? You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs. Yes. My view, by the way, is that if this woman is willing to hit the sheets with you, I'm always so appreciative when a beautiful, wonderful woman wants to hook up with me. So why not oblige her? I don't think she's asking for that much. Let me tell you a quick story from my dating past when I was single. So years and years ago, I dated a wonderful woman named Kate. And Kate had some very specific

desires in the bedroom. I remember the first night we were together, we were in bed, she was lying on my chest, lying next to me. And she took a deep inhalation, a deep smell of my chest, and she breathed in deep and said, ah, you smell like an Irish boxer. And I didn't think much more of it because, hey, if that's her type, great. I'm happy to be with this wonderful woman in bed with Kate. If she likes the Irish boxer type and I fit that mold, fantastic. Of course, I would be the Irish boxer type and I fit that mold, fantastic. Of course,

I would be an Irish boxer with no muscle tone and a bit of a tummy, but hey, to each their own. So that was my first indication that she was into the whole Irish thing. And then fast forward a couple of dates. She basically, one night she asked me to use an Irish accent with her during sex, during intimacy. And at the time, I was very self-conscious about talking about sex or talking during sex. I was in my head. I was self-conscious, really a lot of self-judgment. And I didn't even want to talk about or talk sexy to a woman in bed, let alone do an accent. But at the same time, I was just so grateful that Kate wanted to be with me. So we're in bed. And I did my best Irish accent, even though I think I sounded like a leprechaun. I believe I said to her, Lassie, you've got me truly bewitched. I said it in my best brogue. I can't get enough of you, lassie. I'm not even

joking. That's exactly what I said to her. I mean, it was all I could do not to say, and you'll never get me Lucky Charms. Always have to be Lucky Charms. The crunchy old cereal with rainbow of marshmallow surprises. Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, and blue diamonds. So Andrew, just like you, I felt awkward and a little bit out of my depth. But I realized that it wasn't about me. Or just, it wasn't only about me and my comfort. So don't only make it about you and what you're comfortable with.

You also want to think about her. What's going to make her feel desired? Make her feel free to express herself. Because when it comes down to it, intimacy is about connection. It's about trust. It's about giving within limits and a bit of playfulness. And sometimes this means stepping out of your comfort zone, talking a little bit dirty, even if you're not normally used to doing that. Now, just as importantly, it also means knowing when to draw the line and to say to somebody, hey, this isn't for me. So here's how to navigate this with some care.

I'm going to give you three tips. Tip number one is first, I want you to validate her without judgment. Say to her, hey, I love how open and honest you are about what excites you. And that's going to help keep the conversation positive and show her that you're not judging her bedroom preferences. In other words, it's good to never, ever kink shame anybody. Okay. Tip number two is I want you to set compassionate boundaries. Andrew, if buying for a woman isn't your thing, that's totally okay. You can say to her something like, hey, I like trying new things, but sheep noises don't really feel natural for me. Let's try something else. This way, you're respecting both her desires

as well as your limits. So you can find a nice common ground, but you're doing it with compassion. In other words, no judgment, a lot of compassion. And my third tip for you is if you really are not into the whole lamb thing, consider a sexy compromise. What I mean by sexy compromise is if you're open to experimenting and having some kind of sexy talk, find a middle ground. You might say to her, hey, how about we talk more in bed, but I'll talk sexy to you as myself instead of as a lamb. That seems reasonable. This way, you give the two of you a chance to keep the fun, sexy sex talk alive, which she'll appreciate, but you don't have to go a full barnyard if you don't want to. So back to Kate and myself from years ago. Doing an Irish accent for Kate taught me that stepping out of my comfort zone can be fun.

It helped me grow. It helped me have even more better, more confident, more fun, sexy talk with other women, something I never would have done, maybe, if Kate hadn't suggested that. And I'll be honest, I'm the kind of guy, within reason, I will do whatever it takes to make my lady happy. If my girlfriend wanted me to wear a fluffy fleece onesie and baa, I would baa, baa black sheep. But that's me. You gotta do you, okay? So if you do decide to go all in on your lamb impression, Andrew, just remember, commit to the bit. Go all the way, commit. In other words, bah, like you mean it.

Just like I did my best leprechaun, lucky charms, sexy talk with Kate back in the day. But anyway, you do you, Andrew. Sex should be fun. It should never be forced. It should be awesome. It should never be awkward. And just so you know, if you get in the habit of being very giving with women, both in and outside of bed, you're going to have all the ladies, well, you might say, flocking to you. Okay, next question. Question number two for Ask the Dating Coach.

This comes from Zach, 29-year-old in Chicago. Zach asks, do nice guys finish last? And here's what his message to me. This is what Zach sent me by email. Lately, Connell, it feels like the world is telling me that being a kind, respectful man just isn't enough. Donald Trump, who I hate, is dominating the news. Elon Musk is celebrated as a bold risk taker, and the manosphere preaches red pill dating tips. So it seems that being a loud, brash, hyper-masculine man is just in. The thing is, I'm a quiet, thoughtful, kind

guy. I see women as equals to be treated with respect. I think of myself as a feminist, Zach continues, but I'm starting to wonder if being a nice guy is holding me back in dating. Am I just too nice for women today in today's dating culture? Can a guy like me even compete? And again, that's from Zach in Chicago.ago zach i totally get it with trump shouting from the headlines with musk flexing his billions of dollars not to mention the the manosphere and the so-called alpha males being celebrated in the manosphere and in the red pill part of reddit right now the world can seem like one big chest-bumping contest. But what I want you to know is that the idea that women only want loud, brash, hyper-masculine men, that is so inaccurate.

That's about as accurate as predicting the weather using the farmer's almanac. Here's the truth. Women love nice guys. Love nice guys. In fact, kindness is the number one quality that women value most in a male partner. And this is not just me pulling that out of my hat. There was a poll done a few years ago by a health app called Clue. And this poll surveyed 64,000 women. And they were asked, what are the top 10 things you want in a male partner? Number one on the list was kindness. That's the number one thing women want from a man as a boyfriend in a relationship. And also in the top five were supportiveness, intelligence, and education. Those were basically the second, third, and fourth things, top things that women want in a man. Notice what's not on that list.

What's not on that list is being a loud, brash jerk. So the manosphere and Trump, in other words, the red pill and the orange menace, these entities are going to appeal to loud, frustrated, lonely men. But Trump and the Manosphere are absolutely clueless about what truly makes a man attractive to women. And I want you to take it from me. Take it from a professional dating coach. I've been a dating coach for 13 years now. I've been working on my dating life and actively working in this area for 21 years now total from the first moment I said, time to get good at dating because I suck at it back in 2004.

And what I've learned is that women love a nice guy if, and this is a big if, if he believes in himself and his worth. He's got to have a sense of true worth and significance and confidence in himself as a man. And that's the kind of men women are drawn to. Women are drawn to a kind, nice guy who also has real backbone, bulletproof confidence. Back to that clue poll of 64,000 women, the fifth thing on that list that women want in a man is confidence. That's the fifth thing. I would argue, though, on a date, on a first date, in the flirting, in the courtship phase of dating, confidence is the number one thing women want in a man. I never have my client, I shouldn't say never, but I rarely have ever said to a client,

okay, go on that date and be really kind and say this kind thing and do this kind thing. The kindness is going to emanate from his authenticity, him being a good gentleman. That's going to just be there. What I have men do is I help them hone and harness and channel their confidence and playfulness and devilish flirtatiousness in the ways that women like.

But bottom line is confidence has to be there as the other side of the coin to kindness. So back to your question, Zach. Your kindness is not what's holding you back. What's holding you back is your self-doubt. Self-doubt is what's going to be sending women the wrong signals. Self-doubt will get you in the friend zone. Self-doubt will make you want to approach a woman, but not do it. Self-doubt will make you timid. And a man who questions his own very worth, who doubts his own worth and value, that is the ultimate turnoff to women. Women hate that. It's like BO. It's like bad cologne. They hate that

sense of self-doubt. Say what you want about Donald Trump, and I have a lot of things to say about him. I would if this was a political podcast, but it's a dating podcast, so I will hold my tongue. But say what you want about Trump is he projects massive confidence. I think it's a charade. It's a mask. He's painfully insecure and an incredibly small man in so many ways, but he projects confidence, right? And that's what the red pill community is trying to get men to do is put on this mask, this fake alpha male mask that women want an alpha male. Women want a bad boy. Women want a man who's the boss. That's nonsense. Don't get me wrong. Women love assertive, confident men. But the problem with

the manosphere and all this red pill nonsense is that it's built on an outdated, toxic idea of what masculinity is. This idea that men have to dominate, conquer, suppress their emotions to succeed. Spoiler alert, that's not what women want. Not what modern women want anyway. Maybe caveman women wanted it. But what women want today is, sure, they want confidence. They want assertiveness. Those things absolutely have their place. But they don't want confidence and assertiveness when it's packaged in this toxic package of ego and aggression and topped with a red MAGA hat.

Most women hate that. It's a turnoff. So think of masculinity, Zach, not as you being the loudest guy in the room, but what real masculinity is, is being the most grounded and authentic man in the room. Being the man who owns who he is. He's kind, big-hearted, and pairing that kind of sense of quiet, unshakable belief that you have with real, core, authentic confidence. That's what a woman wants. Women want a man who's strong enough to be vulnerable and confident enough to be kind and also brave enough to show up as his authentic self. So let me just give you some hope, okay?

I coach guys like you all the time. I coach introverts. I coach mainly introverts. Shy guys, nice guys, sweethearts, thoughtful, kind, nice men who often think they can't compete with the so-called bad boys. But once they learn how to channel their inner confidence and how to approach dating authentically, not to mention approaching women authentically, once they learn to do that, that's when everything really changes. So remember, women are not looking for caricatures

of masculinity. They're looking for connection with the man who has a lot to give, a lot of value to bring to her life. And a guy like you who's nice, who's quiet, respectful, self-assured, he has everything that it takes to attract a wonderful woman. Except perhaps, in your case, confidence because of self-doubt. Self-doubt is the Darth Vader in your story who must be faced. Self-doubt is the Voldemort every single man has to face. If he wants to end up with an incredible girlfriend and have a lot of confidence and abundance of dating options, he's got to face the big bad. And the big bad is self-doubt, which is feeling or fearing that maybe you're just not enough. And that's what the red pill community, that's what the manosphere tells too many nice

guys, is that you're not enough. You got to be an asshole. You got to be an alpha male. That is absolute total horseshit. So yes, Zach, you can absolutely compete in today's dating culture. In fact, you can win. But the first step is you have to drop this idea that nice guys finish last. They don't. The men who fail to believe in themselves, those are the guys. Those are the guys who finish last. So I want you to go out there. I want you to own your kindness and show the world and show women what a radically authentic man looks like. Because the right woman is going to love you for you. And one final point about this question before we go to our third question about being stuck in the friend zone and not getting past first dates.

There's one huge myth I want to bust for you right now on this episode. This whole idea that women love alpha males, as I've been talking about, is a myth. The truth is, alpha males are not even a thing. They're literally not a thing. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and

a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped, using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.

No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. I remember I was once in a Las Vegas conference room attending a pickup coach seminar. This pickup coach guy was doing a seminar. This was way, way, way back in the late 00s when I was first learning about what does and doesn't work with women. So I'm in this bio-drenched Vegas conference room, and there's this cheesy pickup artist dude who's strutting on stage talking about the supposed panty-dropping powers of being

a dominant man. And he even had a catchphrase. He had this stupid catchphrase, like Johnny Cochran, OJ Simpson's lawyer from the murder trial. And this pickup guy, Johnny Cochran's thing was, if it doesn't fit, you must acquit. And this pickup artist dude kept saying, the alpha male gets all the tail. What a jackass. The alpha male gets all the tail. Here's the thing, though. Alpha males are not a thing. I mean, literally not a thing in nature. The idea of the alpha male, it first gained credence way back in the 1970s when a wildlife biologist, a guy named L. David Mech, M-E-C-H, I believe it's pronounced Meck, when this guy Meck

was studying wolves. He was an expert in wolves. He published a book that documented the existence of alpha wolves in the wild. And that's what created this concept of the alpha male. It came from Meck's published research about wolves having alphas. But two decades later, he went back and he tried to replicate his findings, but he couldn't. And he was horrified to find out that the alpha behavior that he thought he had observed, it was simply mom and dad wolves caring for their pups. So he mistook kindness and love of mom and dad wolves to their pups with so-called alpha behavior. Now, Mech renounced his findings. He basically said there's no such thing as alpha wolves, but it was too late. This myth had already cemented into conventional wisdom. And the bummer about this is that it's also informed a lot of really bad dating advice,

so much bad dating advice that still permeates today. There is no concrete scientific evidence for so-called alpha males getting to mate with all the females in any animals, including humans. Take our closest relatives, for example, the chimpanzees. The chimpanzees are the closest animals to homo sapiens, to humans. And studies show that the most aggressive chimp in the chimpanzee community does not necessarily become the group leader. In fact, quite often smaller, more docile chimps become dominant, so-called, because they're completing tasks that are seen as feminine and nurturing, like grooming other chimps. So it's the chimps that groom, that show kindness, that show connection, that actually are the high status

chimps in that world, not the so-called alphas. And we have another close biological relative, the bonobos. And bonobos are apes that live in a matriarchal society where the female apes are higher status than the males. And here's a fun fact, by the way. Speaking of bonobos, humans and bonobos are the only species that French kiss. Okay, remember that on trivia night. So yeah, traits like assertiveness, like I said before, courage, boldness, these traits are essential in dating.

There are times when you have to be assertive. There are times when you have to approach a woman with courage. There are times when you're going to have to summon some boldness to go for that first kiss or to tell a woman she's sexy or to take some kind of romantic risk. A woman does need to sense your strength. She does need to sense a certain solidity and significance and strength. And generally, women are attracted to masculine energy, generally. I'm not saying don't be manly. I'm not saying don't be a man, don't be masculine. A woman does need to sense strength, and most women, most straight women who are looking for a man, are going to gravitate to a masculine energy as opposed to a more overly feminine energy.

But I just want you to know that this idea that the so-called alpha male even exists is a myth. And it's really troublesome because at worst, alpha male behavior stifles growth. It encourages men to view women as targets to be conquered and to see so-called nice guys as beta males and simps, quote unquote, who are inferior. That's at worst. At best, it leads to wearing Axe body spray, chest bumping, and saying things like bra and baller.

Okay, so I want you to remove the alpha male mask. It just doesn't work. Yes, you got to make moves in dating. You got to take some action. You got to take some chances, of course. Being authentic and taking authentic, courageous action is going to fix almost all these so-called issues that you might think you have. But just know that studies show that non-alpha qualities like kindness, generosity, these are the key indicators of fulfilling relationships. And that's what women want. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence. Because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt, right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you

approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to datingtransformation.com slash flirty 30. And that's F-L-I-R-T-Y 3-0. Datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty30.

Okay, here's your third question for Ask the Dating Coach. Connell, why can't I get past the first date? This comes from Barry in Boston. Barry's a 34-year-old from Boston. Barry writes, Connell, I'm decent at getting first dates from the apps, but after the first date, women stop responding. Or when I text them to ask them out again, they say they just didn't feel a connection. We seem to have good conversation, but nothing works in terms of getting second dates. I guess I could flirt more or take more chances, but I don't want to come off as creepy.

I want to be a gentleman. What am I doing wrong, and how can I make a better impression to get second dates and eventually get a girlfriend from Barry in Boston? Barry, you need to make stronger impact on your dates. You need to make a strong, a positive, but strong impact with women on dates. And the simplest way to do that is to take more risks. Now, if you're having good conversations on dates, if the conversation flows, there aren't long, awkward silences, that's a great starting point. That's not hurting you. But women like a man who puts a card or two on the table. On every first date, I shouldn't say every first date, but on pretty

much every first date I ever went on that went really well, there was some kind of moment of truth. A moment when I had to say or do something a little bit risky. And one of the biggest aha moments I had working on my dating life for years to get good at this, to get great at this, is this paradox, which is to say that playing it safe on first dates is risky. And taking risks on first dates is actually safe. You might think safe is safe and risky is risky,

right? But there's a paradox here. Being too safe on a date is actually risky because you risk getting stuck in the friend zone and you risk coming off as timid. And at the same time, taking uncomfortable, scary action on a date, being risky in other words, that is actually safe in that it's a safe bet that you're going to stand out to more women, show that sense of authentic worth and value you offer, and get yourself a second date. So what you think is safe on dates is actually really risky, Barry. And what you think is risky is actually very safe. So here are three ways to be a risk taker and get second dates.

Here's how to get women wanting to see you for that second date. Here are three things you can start doing on every first date. First thing is tell her that she's sexy. Tell your date that she's sexy. Barry, or just the man listening to this, you, listener, my dear listener, have you ever told a woman on a first date that she's sexy?

Have you ever used the S word? I'll bet a lot of you haven't. And telling a woman she's sexy might feel scary and might make you think, oh, I don't want to be a creep. But there's nothing creepy about telling a woman she's sexy. As long as you don't make it about purely her physical features. Find something special about her, a trait, and then use the S word to describe how that makes her sexy in your eyes. You know, you have such a

sexy feminine laugh. It's contagious. You might say something like that. Or you might say, your mind is so sexy. I love how you think about things. On my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess, I remember I looked her in the eye. We're standing on my rooftop at my apartment. We'd gone to a bar. Then we had after bar drinks on my apartment rooftop. We're having a couple glasses of wine.

And I was so blown away by how witty and funny, quick-witted and clever she is. And I'm usually the funny one on a date. And I just looked her in the eye and I said, hey, by the way, you know what's really sexy about you? You're so witty and quick on your feet. I'm just trying to keep up with you. That's pretty rare. It's very sexy.

And she later told me how that melted her. And think about that. She's a woman who had been told many, many times and still is, of course, how pretty she is. She's a very pretty, thin, attractive blonde. But I was that rare guy, I think. I was that rare guy who saw the inner beauty and called out that as being sexy. So when you tell a woman that something about her is sexy and special, you instantly vault all the way up to the top 1% of men. Because most men are either afraid to tell a woman she's sexy, or they do it in a clumsy, objectifying way. Hey, your eyes are sexy. Your smile is sexy. If he's really vulgar, oh my God, your ass, your body is so sexy.

That's creepy. It's creepy to objectify a woman and just fawn and talk about her body. But if you want to tell her she's sexy in a classy, authentic, effective way, tell her something about her is sexy. Makes her feel special on a deeper level without objectifying her. You get to be a gentleman and you get to also make some sparks happen. These flirty but thoughtful compliments really help to dial up romantic tension, keep you out of the friend zone, and have her excited to see you for a second date. But just make sure that compliment is real. Don't use scripted things if you can help it.

Don't plan what you're going to say. Just speak from the heart and other body parts. No faking it, in other words. The second thing you could do on first dates is go for a first kiss. If a first date is going reasonably well, then either go for a first kiss, which I highly recommend, especially if it's a nighttime date, or at the very least, before the date is over, look her in the eye, shoot her a sly smile, and say, I really want to kiss you. Women appreciate a man who is confident enough to go for a kiss, or at the very least who's confident enough to say,

here's what I want. I want to kiss you. Even if you go in for that kiss and she turns the cheek, you're going to get points for trying. I rarely say always or never, but it's pretty darn close to never. You will almost never lose your chances with a woman because you went for a kiss and got the cheek. But you definitely will lose out on some chances with some wonderful women. Not to mention losing out on some hot AF makeouts. If you want to kiss her on that first date, but fear stops you. You let fear stop you. Because that comes off as timidity.

And that's unattractive to women. A super safe, timid guy, that's generally unattractive to women. And believe me, I've been there. I've been there. I remember a young woman, young at the time, it's been 15 plus years, but I remember a woman named Brandy I had a couple of dates with. And I think it was late in our second date. We were in Brooklyn. We were walking through a park at night and I had never kissed her or even tried. And it was our second date. And there was this perfect moment. We were sitting on a park bench. We were alone. It was romantic. And I wanted to kiss her, but I was afraid. So I wimped out. I was a coward. And the moment passed.

We get up from the bench. We start walking down this path, and then I realized that I'd screwed up. I realized that I had my chance. And then I awkwardly press and try to, not physically force, of course, but I try to assert a kiss. And I went in for the kiss five minutes too late, trying too hard. And she turned the cheek and said, no, sorry.

She said literally, and I quote Brandy, she said, sorry, you had your chance back there on the bench. I'm not feeling it anymore. Boom. There's your textbook definition of the friend zone. Still gives me chills all these years later. But hey, those lessons make you wiser. They certainly made me wiser. So bottom line is it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to want to go for a first kiss and feel fear. Fear is okay. Cowardice is not. So on any first date that has gone fairly well, and my definition of fairly well is

that the two of you are engaged in a pretty good conversation. There's a nice positive vibe between you. Let's call that a pretty good date. It's a nice positive vibe between you. Let's call that a pretty good date. It's going pretty well. On any date like that, go for a first kiss toward the end of the evening. Or at the very least, look her in the eye and say, hey, I want to kiss you. And say it with a sense of, oof, a sense of, yeah, I want to kiss you. She might give you that green light you need to go in. Or if you just move in for that kiss, women love a man who takes risks. Okay? So be that risk taker. Here's your third tip on getting

second dates. On your next first date, if you want to see her again, ask for a second date during the first date. That's right. Before the date is over, that first date, confidently, at least as confidently as you can summon, say something like, hey, I really enjoyed tonight and I want to see you again. When are you free next? Did you hear that word or those two words? I just said them again. I want. Just like I said, Hey,

look her in the eye and say, I want to kiss you. You can also on that first date say, Hey, I want to see you again. When are you free next? I can, I can almost hear you. I can hear you right now saying, Connell, isn't that needy? Isn't that try hard? And my answer to you is, why are you talking to a podcast? I can't hear you. No, this is not needy. As long as you completely own your interest and intention. Women like a decisive guy who goes after what he wants and who knows what he wants and he goes after it. That's the essence of masculinity right there in my book. Talk about authenticity, the intersection of authenticity and masculinity. It's about knowing what you want. You want a second date with this wonderful woman. See if she's as wonderful as she seems so far.

And you're just going to say, here's what I want. I've really enjoyed tonight and I want to see you again. When are you free next? I did this with a woman I dated for a while. Her name starts with a B. Oh, Brooke. I think I did this with Brooke. I let her know I wanted to see her. And she really responded to that. She loved knowing that I wanted to have a second date with her. Many, many, I would say a majority of women want to know if you want to see her again. They don't want you to play it cool. They don't want you to be mysterious. They don't want you to play games. They just want you to tell the truth. And so yeah, on your next first date, if you want to see her again before the date is over, say, quote, I've really enjoyed tonight and I want to see you again. When are you free next? Because two of the sexiest words to women

are you saying, I want, a man saying, I want. So tell her what you want, Barry. Tell her that you want a second date. In your question, Barry, you'd mentioned how you text. You ask her out by text. Oh, I hate having to do that. I'll do it. It's okay. But I'd much rather just let a woman know that I want to see

her again on the second date. And here's a bonus tip in addition to that sort of a companion piece to this tip. A great time to go for that second date ask during the first date is, here's a semi advanced move. Choose a high point moment. Choose a moment where things are like, you know, you just made her laugh. You said something witty and funny and you're both giggling. You're both having a high point moment. That's a great time to say,

oh, hey, by the way, I've really enjoyed tonight and I want to see you again. When are you free next? It's great to ask for what you want right when you're making her laugh and feel good. Because women make their dating decisions in large part based on how they feel in that moment. They don't check in with their logical analytical mind quite as much as they check in with how they're feeling. And so if you want a really advanced tip, ask for that second date during

the first date and ask during a high point moment when you've got her giggling and thinks you're going really good. That's the best way to get that yes. It's not needy as long as you own it and fully commit to this idea that, hey, you're an authentic man who's going after what he wants and you want a second date with her. So stop playing it safe. Take some risks on those first dates. Make a stronger impact and you're going to turn first dates into second dates in no time. All right. Again, if you have questions for me for this podcast, send them to connell at datingtransformation.com. By the way, if you want a free copy of my book, I wrote a pretty damn kick-ass book called Dating Sucks But You Don't. If you want a free copy, all you got to do is

shoot me an email and just say, free copy. I heard on the podcast I can get a free copy, and I will email you a free e-version of my book. So feel free to do that. Thank you so much for listening. I know you have literally a million podcasts out there to be listening to right now. Thank you for spending some time with me today. I really value it. I like to think of myself as your podcast dating coach. I'm your hitch. I'm your podcast hitch here helping you, I hope.

Feedback, send me an email. Positive review, please leave one on Apple, on Spotify, on wherever the hell you leave reviews. Or don't. It's all good either way. But feel free to do that. And don't forget your dream girlfriend. She is out there and she is going to love you. In fact, she already does love you, the idea of you anyway, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic you. So go show women that best authentic side of you. Go out there, take courageous, authentic action. Carpe datum. Seize the date. Till next time. Bye.