How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Consent is Sexy! How to Connect with Women in the #MeToo Era, Part 1

Starting point is 00:00:00 Big romantic gestures, they're great in John Hughes movies, not so good in dating. Keep that boom box at home. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right, welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Conal Barrett. I'm a dating coach for men. Basically, I'm your host Connell Barrett I'm a dating coach for men basically I'm hitch if Will Smith was a skinny ginger who looked like the lead singer for Weezer

Starting point is 00:00:34 I help guys learn to flirt gain confidence and find a great girlfriend and today's topic is really near and dear to my heart it's actually first two, a two-part episode or two-part podcast, part one and part two, about how to date in the Me Too era, an area that a lot of men struggle with. And if you're like a lot of guys, chances are you're not sure, is it okay to go for the first kiss? Is that creepy? How do I flirt without being harassing? How do I make moves?

Starting point is 00:01:13 Or can I make moves? Well, we're going to cover that in this episode and also in part two coming up. But first, I want to start with a story. I want to go back, story I'm gonna go back gosh over ten years ago when I was first working on my dating life and it's a date I had with a woman named Stephanie so let me take you back in time basically the date was winding down and Stephanie and I were walking to the subway station and I could hear that little voice in my head saying, kiss her. It's now or never.

Starting point is 00:01:49 And it was a first date, and we'd gone to a sports bar, had a couple drinks, watched the Yankees play the Red Sox. We were both baseball fans. And then I'm walking her to the subway. And when Stephanie and I stopped at a crosswalk near the end of the date, I went for it. But she had been checking her phone. So when she looked up, my incoming lips must have seemed like a sneak attack. And she actually recoiled because she didn't see the kiss coming. And I caught the corner of her mouth, her pursed mouth. And I felt clumsy

Starting point is 00:02:27 and creepy. And I said, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. She said, um, it's okay. But it got very awkward. And she basically vanished down the steps to catch her train and just said goodnight. And there was no second date. And now looking back over 10 years later, I now realize my rookie mistake. And I call it the lunge. What's the lunge? It happens near the end of a date, usually dates one or two. And what happens is sensing that maybe you've been playing it too safe, you might feel the pressure to make a move to keep from getting friend zoned, excuse me, but you don't want your day to feel uncomfortable, especially in the Me Too era. And so what happens is you get stuck between feeling the need to do something to stay out of the quote friend

Starting point is 00:03:26 zone, but then also wanting to go for the kiss. And what happens is you don't make any move. You don't collaborate with her to escalate towards something at some point on the date, and you don't do anything. And then at the end of the date, you might go for a kiss, sort of like out of desperation, sort of like a quarterback throwing a desperation fourth down pass. And then what happens is that surprises the woman and she either pulls back like Stephanie did, or the two of you endure an awkward lip lock. So that's the lunge. We want to avoid the lunge.

Starting point is 00:04:07 So for many men, the Me Too era has made dating seem more confusing than ever. And you, since you're listening to this podcast, you're a good-hearted guy. And you might feel caught between two extremes. On one hand, you don't want to do anything inappropriate. Yet on the other hand, you might feel that doing nothing will lead to hearing, hey, I'm just not feeling sparks. Let's just be friends. So what's happened in the last several years with the Me Too movement is that new dating lines have been drawn and you're just not sure what they are.

Starting point is 00:04:43 Can you approach during the day? Is that harassment? Can you only approach at night? Should you ask for her number or do you give her yours? Do you need verbal consent before sex, before foreplay, before kissing, before even touching her? So basically in these two podcast episodes I want to address the biggest problems that guys face while they're out dating in the me too era and the great news is that for guys like you with integrity and good intentions dating is easier today than you might think. And also in the second half, I'm going to share a very personal story about how a woman who I knew, who is actually the survivor of sexual assault,

Starting point is 00:05:33 helped me to open my eyes to the importance of the Me Too era and how she really helped me to become a better, more empathetic man. So let's get into it. Let's talk about the Me Too era. And let's also talk about, then I'm going to take some common questions, the most common questions I get from men so that you can date successfully, effectively, but also with respect for women. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news.

Starting point is 00:06:29 Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does

Starting point is 00:06:59 not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic Thank you. better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. So first things first, as I tell my clients, the Me Too movement affects men, but it's not about men. It's not about men but it's not about men it's not about you it's not about me it's about it's about awareness of the widespread mistreatment and abuse of women and girls over history it's also about empathizing with survivors and sufferers of that mistreatment. And the third thing it's about is the Me Too movement is about

Starting point is 00:08:07 doing our part as men to make women's lives better. So the Me Too movement is a cultural shift that's welcome and long overdue and was and is much needed for society. So yes, men are understandably afraid of dating missteps, but you don't want to miss that point. The point, the main point is empathy for women and what they've gone through. So don't be that guy who, because of the Me Too era, tells his date, oh, well, you have to make the first move now because it's the Me Too era. Women hate that mentality because it shows a lack of understanding

Starting point is 00:08:52 about the meaning of the movement. And plus, I have great news. Women still want men to be men. They still want men to be men. We can still make moves. You just want to understand that first it's about empathy and it's about making the right moves now when it comes to making the right moves or and not making the wrong moves let's get into it i'm going to run down eight or ten of the most common me too

Starting point is 00:09:18 questions i get and give you some tips so you can uh date as evolved guy. So here we go. One question I get is, what's the difference between flirting and misconduct? Well, it's pretty simple. Flirting is showing romantic interest in a woman in a charming, light manner and behaving appropriately based on how she responds. So if she likes your romantic interest, keep going. If she doesn't, you wish her well and move on. So you did not harass a woman by flirting with her. You simply took a shot of romance and there's nothing wrong with that. In my view, misconduct or harassment is when a guy or anybody for that matter, but when a person pursues or imposes their sexual interest, often in a vulgar, deceptive, or manipulative manner,

Starting point is 00:10:16 when a woman is clearly not interested. That's my view of harassment. I should make a little legal disclaimer here. I'm not a lawyer, so I'm not giving you legal advice about what is not harassment in the eyes of the law. I'm just giving you my personal viewpoint. Okay? So in other words, flirting and misconduct are two different things. You're still allowed to flirt with women. That's very good news.

Starting point is 00:10:40 Next question. Can I be persistent without being harassing? I get that question from guys yes you can if you're elegant about it here's a simple rule if she's obviously not into you move on if you're not sure if she's interested in you try to find out in a respectful charming but clear way. And just know that the proper amount of persistence is sometimes rewarded. Sometimes. In general, persistence will be rewarded, but you also want to know when to stop. Because persisting when there's no interest from a woman, now that can become harassment. So for example, let's say you match with a woman on a dating app and she does not reply

Starting point is 00:11:25 to your first message in a day or two. Now she's not necessarily ghosted you. She may just be busy. She may just not be on the app. So feel free to feel free to send a second playful, positive follow up message, right? Like sort of like a fun, short PS to your opener. I don't know. Maybe your second message is, oh, hey, by the way,

Starting point is 00:11:46 I loved your skydiving photo. How many jumps have you done? If she has talked about skydiving on her profile. So this approach will serve you really well over time. And I've had multiple women actually say to me, hey, I really liked your persistence. Okay. So you can be persistent as long as there's charm and good intentions involved if she doesn't reply after two or three messages let it go what you never want to do is allow yourself to get upset or negative or judgmental that can verge on harassment so you want to keep it cool. Keep it really cool. Most guys either give up too soon. Like they send one message, no response, and they assume that they get ghosted. That's not getting ghosted. It takes multiple messages that do not get a response to consider it ghosting.

Starting point is 00:12:40 Or other guys do the opposite is they send 12 messages and get all butt hurt and harassing and say why don't you get back to me why did you match with me if you weren't going to respond you don't want to be that guy either neither of those guys are going to do very well on the dating apps or with with off the off the apps in real life so find that sweet spot so So take a chance, persist with charm, and then move on sooner rather than later. But be a little bit persistent because women do like and appreciate that generally. Next question I get, is it okay to date someone I work with? No, I'm not a fan. I am not a fan of office romances. Even if you and your crush are of equal status at the company, courting a woman you work with, that's courting disaster.

Starting point is 00:13:30 A smarter strategy is to use the tools that I teach here in this podcast and in my book and with my coaching and build an abundant dating life outside of work. Keep your office a romance free space if you can. Now, if you do decide to date somebody you work with, then absolutely do not date or pursue a woman whom you supervise, manage or have power over at work. It's just wrong. And it can lead to a hornet's nest of problems for you and for her and for your company. It can lead to harassment claims, accusations of unfair treatment by other employees, litigation. Just don't do it. No bueno. Okay. Excuse me. Next question. Should I wait for a woman? I like to ask me out. I get that one a lot.

Starting point is 00:14:29 Well, hey, if a woman goes all Sadie Hawkins day on you and ask you out, hey, be flattered. Don't wait for it. Don't expect it. In general, you as the man want to be the one moving things forward. There's a Psychology Today study that revealed that about nine out of 10 women prefer to be asked out rather than doing the asking. So don't wait for her. You can still ask her out. It's not harassment. Similarly, here's a tangential but related tip. Similarly, generally don't give her your number and leave it for her to contact you unless she specifically says that's what she prefers, in which case, fine. But don't do that. That puts her in the masculine role of here's my number. Call me. Generally, women want to be the one who are pursued, asked out. So you're the man, it's up for you to ask, or it's up to you to ask,

Starting point is 00:15:32 and it's on her to say yes or no. And either answer is totally fine. Next question I get a lot. Can I still make romantic gestures on dates? Absolutely, yes. By all means, open doors, pick up checks, walk her to her car, while, of course, always noticing how she's responding. You always want to watch and try to get a sense for how a woman is feeling. Not just because that's good strategy, quote unquote, because women like that, but also it's just being a human. It's just being a person is notice how you're making somebody feel so get out of your head stop focusing on how you're feeling you know

Starting point is 00:16:10 whether or not she likes you and focus on how not the indicators of interest but focus on how you feel like you're making her feel all right um now but in terms of romantic gestures, keep them small. So no lavish gifts, no flowers, no love poetry, at least early on in those first several dates. As you're moving along in a relationship, moving toward being a couple. OK, we can relax that rule, but you don't need to win her over. OK, keep in mind that you are enough as your authentic self. So keep that in mind. No love poetry. I had a client once who a great guy named Kevin, who's now married with children. He did amazing. But I remember when Kevin first came to me, he had a big crush on a woman. He literally had one date with coffee with, and he sent me a text message of like a 20 line poem

Starting point is 00:17:09 he had written about her and said, Hey, Connell, what do you think of the poem? I'm going to send Tracy. And I'm like, no, don't send her a love poem. You've had one date with her that just reeks of neediness and being way too into a woman. So beware of those big romantic gestures. They work big romantic gestures. They're great in John Hughes movies. Not so good on in dating. Keep that boom box at home.

Starting point is 00:17:40 Okay. Oh, and then. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, no big gestures. I think and then, yeah. Okay. Yeah. No big gestures. I think I made my point. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence.

Starting point is 00:17:58 For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks

Starting point is 00:18:38 But You Don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps, and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon, or wherever books are sold, in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. Can I go for the first kiss?

Starting point is 00:19:19 Yes, absolutely. Just avoid the lunge, okay? Avoid my mistake of the lunge. Here's a great mindset. Not mindset. Here's a great way to kind of, here's the mechanics of that first kiss. Think of a first kiss as being a top step on stair steps. And you're walking up other steps together toward that first kiss on the date, the two of you. So take stair steps to that first kiss, right? If you're on a date at the beginning of the date, you might greet her with a warm hug. You might playfully tap her on the shoulder or arm as

Starting point is 00:19:57 you're talking, expressing yourself, holding eye contact. You're also opening up and connecting more emotionally, climbing up these steps together. Maybe you hold her hand. And of course you're noticing, is she enjoying you? Does she initiate touch? How does she respond to your touch? Is she holding eye contact back? And so what happens is you're escalating, I should say, walking up these stair steps together. And then toward the end of the date, you're noticing, hey, I'm leaning in, she's leaning in, holding my eye contact, she's been touchy and flirty back, then that's when you go in for the first kiss. So you've walked up the stair steps of romantic connection together.

Starting point is 00:20:46 No lunges. Save your lunges for the gym. Next question. Should I ask her permission to kiss her? Only if you're a time-traveling knight from medieval Europe looking for love in the present day. Actually, that's not a bad screenplay idea. The working title could be One Night Stand. K-N-I-G-H-T. Listen, I'm all about getting verbal consent for any sexual acts, as I'll talk about,

Starting point is 00:21:17 but asking a woman for permission to kiss her, it might sound chivalrous, but it's just not sexy. A woman likes it when a guy can read her signals, build some romantic tension, and then make that first kiss feel like it, quote, just happened at the perfect moment. If you want to say something before the first kiss, just to make sure you have that nice green light, instead of asking, can I i kiss you tell her what you want to do look her in the eye and say maybe look her in the eye look at her lips and look look her back in the eyes and say i want to kiss you with total certainty and commitment and then she'll either say go ahead or she'll make it real easy and obvious that she wants you

Starting point is 00:22:05 to, which is great. Or if she doesn't, she might say, oh, well, actually, I don't like to kiss very early on when meeting a guy. And that's fine too. You've shown that you're paying attention to how she's feeling. So feel free to tell her you want to kiss her, but generally, I don't want you to ask for permission. Next question. Is it okay to approach in the daytime? Absolutely. Yes. When done with charm and a confident vibe now, and you might be surprised by how many women like this and respond to it. When you do it with that charm. Um, I was in an outdoor mall one afternoon and I saw this woman who turns out her name was Maggie. And at the time I was still really battling approaching anxiety.

Starting point is 00:22:52 And I think she could sense it. And after I got her number, she said to me, but it was as if she was speaking to all single men. She said, you can come right up and talk to us. It's okay. We like it. So yes, it's okay to approach in the daytime. My little bonus tip here is keep it G rated. Keep it very G rated and innocent. Don't approach with some heavy duty pickup artist, alpha male sexual comments. That's stupid. Don't do that. Think charm. Think G-rated. If you want to be direct, you can say, hey, excuse me, miss. I just saw you. You're adorable. I wanted to say hi to you. If you want to be more indirect with those first lines,

Starting point is 00:23:40 you can just break the ice about something happening in the environment or maybe compliment something she's wearing or something she's doing. Oh, hey, excuse me, miss, you might say in a bookstore. It's nice to see that people still read actual books. What are you shopping for today? So yes, it's okay to approach in the daytime. Next question. Any tips? Hold on. Let me clear my throat. Excuse me. Okay. Next tip or next question. Any tips for getting her in the mood when she's at my place? Yes. So buy a heart-shaped bed and give the mirrors on your ceiling a nice shine. Just kidding. Don't do that.

Starting point is 00:24:28 Sex may be on your mind, but don't make that the primary goal. Okay. Make your goal her feeling comfortable. That's your goal when she comes over to your place. So now, now the, the, uh, what do you call it? Virtuous aspect of making a woman feel comfortable is it can absolutely make romance and sexual contact more likely, but we're not doing it for that reason. We're just doing it because it's the right thing to do. It's what a good, solid, empathetic man does. So make her feel comfortable at your place.

Starting point is 00:25:07 Here are some tips. First time a woman comes over to your home, for the first 15 or so minutes at your place, give her space. Don't try to touch her in any romantic way. Don't start trying to make out with her. She's just let her get comfortable being in your home. Even if you were hot and heavy at the bar or at your previous location, don't try to kiss her right away, probably, unless she gives you giant signals.

Starting point is 00:25:39 Offer her a drink, put on some music, give her a tour. The last time I was single, first thing I would do when I bring a woman over is I give her a little tour of my place. I show her the cool view. I show her a piece of art. Maybe go to the rooftop, see the view. And yeah, once now, once she's comfortable, then yes, you can pick up where you left off if you were kind of getting a little bit hot and heavy at the bar. But again, always pay attention to how she's feeling. So give her that space. Give her that space. And if you do start to kiss at your place, you might be surprised. some women will eagerly amp up the escalation on you just because for the first 15, 20, 30 minutes, you helped her feel comfortable and she felt safe and comfortable with you. Okay. Excuse me. Next question. If she comes over, should I expect sex? Absolutely not.

Starting point is 00:26:46 Getting intimate is possible, of course, but don't expect it and never pressure her for it. First of all, it's just wrong. Second of all, it's highly ineffective. And if she feels pressured, she may never want to see you again. She might even leave right then and there. So just keep that in mind um yeah and when when a woman comes over to your place there are so many good reasons she has to not have sex okay there's so many good reasons right fear of pregnancy fear of assault fear of

Starting point is 00:27:21 stds not wanting to seem so-called slutty, not knowing you well enough, not feeling comfortable with you yet. Some women want to wait until they're in a relationship before they have sex. Some women want to wait for marriage. Everybody's got, every woman has her own blueprint. And of course, sometimes the reason is just because. Totally fine. So every woman, keep in mind that every woman has her own rules for when she's ready

Starting point is 00:27:47 for intimacy. Be 100% cool with that. And paradoxically, if you put 0.0 pressure on her, she's going to trust you more and grow more comfortable. And then getting physical may happen sooner rather than later. Next question. Should I get verbal consent for sex? P.S. Doesn't that ruin the mood? No. Hell, what word is sexier than yes when said by the right woman?

Starting point is 00:28:26 Always get clear, enthusiastic verbal consent before engaging in a sexual act. And here's a helpful tip to actually make it more fun for both of you. Ask for that consent in a sexy, turned-on way, rather than like you're an attorney deposing a witness. So think Barry White, not Barry Sheck. Barry Sheck was OJ's lawyer. You want to be Barry White, not Barry Sheck. Here are some of the sexy ways to seek consent. And here I'll break it down act by act. By the way, some of these come from a woman named Amber Amor. She's a sex educator and the founder of creating consent culture. Some of these are hers, some of these are mine.

Starting point is 00:29:09 So shout out to Amber for some good tips here. So here's some things you can say when things are getting hot and heavy that allow you to get consent if she says yes, but also let you keep that the romantic tension and sexual vibe and nice and hot. Can I go down on you? Do you want me to keep going? Asking a woman, hey, how about we go into the bedroom and I and then insert sexual thing you want to do with her?

Starting point is 00:29:49 How about saying, I want you. Should I put on a condom? Asking, do you want it from the back? Do you like that? How about morning sex? Nothing wrong with asking for these things, as long as you're doing it with good intentions. And of course, as long as you're totally fine with her saying no at any point. And so if a woman says no at any point, stop immediately. Actually, there's a great quote from, um, from, um, uh, I want to say her name, right?

Starting point is 00:30:28 From Amber, Amber Amor. Um, she wrote an article in the Huffington post quote, there are many ways to accept your partner's no, including okay. No problem. I respect that. And Amber also adds quote, peacefully accepting rejection could potentially increase your chances of getting laid in the future. Well said, Amber. So all great tips. By the way, feel free, whatever her answer, yes or no, feel free to ask her to stay over.

Starting point is 00:30:58 Some women need a little time and to basically sleep over and not have sex in order to feel safe enough to hook up the next time. When I was, I was beginning to see a woman named Christy, who later became my girlfriend. And Christy and I kept it very PG-13 the first night she came over. And she actually spent the night, nothing happened. I should say, we didn't go all the way kept it pg pg-13 she spent the night and the next morning she rolled over and she woke me up and then things got nc-17 so far from being a mood killer the more trust you build with the woman you're dating the more that you'll both enjoy the intimacy whenever it happens. Whether it's the second date, first date, fifth date, 10th date,

Starting point is 00:31:51 consent is sexy. Okay. A couple of final questions here. What if we've been drinking? Can we still have sex? Use your best judgment, but bottom line being buzzed is one thing, but a drunk woman cannot truly consent. So don't do anything sexual if she seems more than just a little tipsy. And this is to protect the woman as well as yourself. Uh, next question. When we have sex, how do I play it the morning after? Ooh, good question. Be sweet. Spoon and pillow talk, if she likes that. Offer her breakfast and coffee. Either drive her home or order her a ride share. And also text her something really sweet that day. Now make her feel great about the choice she just made. Here's some messages to consider. Here's some text messages, I should say. You can text her anything, any of the, any, anything I'm about to share.

Starting point is 00:32:59 Quote, these are all on quotes. My bed smells like you. This is a good thing. Oh, by the way, add all the heart I emojis you want to these entities text messages. My bed smells like you. Dot dot dot. This is a good thing. You were amazing last night. And you're making it very hard to concentrate at work. Next. Hey, this is my casual chill way of saying that I had so much fun with you, and I'd love to see you again. I can't stop thinking about you, and the way you fill in the blank of something she did,

Starting point is 00:33:36 I just wanted you to know. I've never been so glad to be so tired. Hashtag totally worth it. Here's one more. Two words. Mind blowing. Can't wait to see you again. How about, and then insert the day you'd like to see her again. Bottom line is she slept with you. She just did something pretty scary and powerful and emotional and heavy duty for a lot of women. She hit the sheets with you. She hit the Egyptian cotton with you. I think it's our duty as gentlemen to help her feel great about her decision and just know that it was really special for you.

Starting point is 00:34:27 It's just good karma. And that's how a radically authentic man should be dating. Okay, that is end of part one of the how to date in the Me Too era two-part podcast. Check out the next one coming soon. And until we speak again, remember, women out there, beautiful, incredible, smart, bright, wonderful women, they already like you. They just have to meet the real authentic you. Until next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast.

Starting point is 00:35:02 For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to www.datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Consent is Sexy! How to Connect with Women in the #MeToo Era, Part 1

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