How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Do THIS to Be Fun and Flirty on Dates + 5 More Myths Busted

Starting point is 00:00:00 Now, you might be saying, Connell, you're crazy, of course rejection's personal, to which I reply, dude, why are you talking to a podcast? I can't hear you. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you gain confidence, learn to flirt, always know what to say, and get

Starting point is 00:00:28 a great girlfriend, all by being truly radically authentic. In other words, no creepy pickup lines, not being boring, being your most authentic and confident self. And today we're going to do another episode where we bust some dating myths. A lot of guys really liked the last episode where I punctured five, six, seven top dating myths. And several of you in my Facebook group and I got some emails that said, more, what are some more things I'm doing wrong? Because you want to know what you're doing wrong. I had so many blind spots when I first got into this. And if you're making mistakes,

Starting point is 00:01:16 like if you're not flirting correctly, you'll get stuck in the friend zone, right? If you're not having the kind of compelling, flirtatious, but still authentic conversations with women, they might like you as a person, but they lose interest romantically. And if you're basically falling into some traps, like, oh, no, I need to be an alpha male. I need to be a bad boy. And that's not who you are. It's going to hurt your dating results. So here's part two of some dating myths I would like to puncture for you. And here we go. It's pretty simple. Myth number one is a big one, a really big one. And the myth is that women put men in the friend zone. That's a myth though. The truth is that men, we do it to ourselves. Women don't put guys in the friend zone. As men, we do it to ourselves by treating women like platonic pals. Basically,

Starting point is 00:02:18 we talk to a woman like we're friends or like we're seeking their approval and hoping they like us, instead of speaking to them as a man talks to a woman on a date or in a romantic context. And there's a different way a man talks to a woman when he's romantically interested. And let me put it this way. Think of there as being, there's really only three channels of communication we have in all of our social interactions. Other than your family, other than people who are your relatives, there's really only three kinds of social interactions. The first is friend to friend, the way you talk and communicate with your friends or people who are friendly acquaintances. The second is, let's call that business, patron slash business

Starting point is 00:03:18 communication. In other words, the social interactions you have with people you work with, that's different than the way you interact with your friends. The way you have with people you work with, that's different than the way you interact with your friends, the way you talk with your boss, or if you're the boss, the way you talk to your employees. There's a business context here. So that's channel number two. Channel number one is friend to friend. Channel number two is business slash patron business. You're buying sneakers and the girl comes up to help you choosing out shoes. That's a business context. And the third frequency, the third channel of communication we have in the world is, if you are a straight single man, is man to woman.

Starting point is 00:04:00 Man to woman communication. That's a turbocharged form of flirting where the frame, the context, what you say and how you say it lets this woman know, Hey, you're a woman. I'm a man. I'm flirting with you. I'm attracted to you, or, or I'm just giving off good, strong, healthy, masculine energy. And you're receiving it from that feminine place. So those are the three channels. The reason why guys get stuck in the friend zone, it's not because women look at you and say, I'm not attracted to you. You're just my friend. It's that we communicate. You communicate with women in a way that makes them feel like, oh, he's trying to be my friend. So I guess I'll be his friend. In other words, we don't flirt. We don't take chances. We don't say risky, romantically risky

Starting point is 00:04:50 things. We don't express ourselves in an emotionally compelling way. So basically, what happens is maybe you go on a date, or maybe you have a crush on a woman, but you talk to her in that friend to friend channel instead of talking to her on that man to woman channel. So anyway, that's how, that's the CliffsNotes version of how and why we get stuck in the friend zone as we do it to ourselves. That's the myth. Women don't do it to you. She doesn't friend zone you. You friend zone yourself. Take it from me. I made every dating mistake a guy could make back when I had to fix my dating problems. That's how I became a dating coach is the first I fixed

Starting point is 00:05:30 all these myself. So what is the move? What's a practical tip you can apply on your next date or your next conversation with a woman? Well, one simple one is to get comfortable teasing women, pulling her proverbial pigtails. A lot of women enjoy it when a guy teases her. It's a playful way of saying, hey, I like you. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend.

Starting point is 00:06:08 Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today

Starting point is 00:06:33 to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Conal or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks.

Starting point is 00:06:54 He unlocks your most confident self, so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. Sort of like in grade school when you would tease or punch in the shoulder or pull the

Starting point is 00:07:37 pigtails of the pretty girl in class. Now the art of teasing, the trick here is to tease her. Less is more, but tease her if you're going to do it. Tease her for silly, light, trivial things. Nothing she would actually take personally. So let's say it's 10 minutes into your date. Or I should say 10 minutes, she's 10 minutes late for your date. And you could send her a text message before she texts you and say, hey, I'm not there yet, but I'll be there soon. I'm running late. And you might text back, oh, hey, no worries. But just so you know, you owe me a drink for every minute you're late. And I like the good stuff. Wink. So you're teasing her a little bit. Or let's say you're talking about your favorite movies. And she says, oh, my favorite movie is Legally Blonde. And you think, what? Legally Blonde? I mean, okay, it's okay. But I can't believe that's

Starting point is 00:08:39 your favorite movie. You know what? You just lost five points. Why do I always meet the cute girls with terrible taste in movies? So you're teasing her for her movie taste, not something about her as a person, right? You never want to tease her about things relating to looks, weight, personality traits that kind of get to the core of who she is. Oh, you don't seem intelligent. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. Don't do negging.

Starting point is 00:09:10 What I'm talking about here is not negging in that old creepy pickup artist nonsense from 15 years ago. I'm talking about giving her the gift of banter and letting her know, hey, I'm teasing you. Just like I'm pulling your pigtails. Do you want to tease me back? And that can spark some nice banter. It also sends that message to say, hey, I'm not here as your buddy, as your friend. I'm here to tease, banter, spar.

Starting point is 00:09:39 And that can help to spark those nice connections. Okay. Next myth is this one, that your conversational skills must be amazing. You have to say amazing, funny, witty, cool things. That's a myth. The truth is you can lower the conversational bar. You don't need to be the wittiest guy on the block to get a woman into you. In fact, trying to up your game with amazing verbals and straining to be clever and charismatic, that just can create tension in you. And it can make you come across as very try-hard, inauthentic, straining to impress. By the way, don't get me wrong. I'm totally fine with being witty, funny, clever.

Starting point is 00:10:34 One of my dating superpowers is on my better days, my wit, my verbal abilities to flirt and tease and joke, but I'm not going to try hard to do it. I'm just going to let it arise. So lower your conversational bar. How do we do that? One quick, simple tip is a mindset tip. This one might be hard for you to do, but give it a try or at least consider it. Be borderline boring. I'm not saying try to be boring in the sense of just having absolutely literally nothing to say. But walk up to the edge of just being really chill, relaxed, and quote unquote boring. What feels like boring to you is not going to feel boring to her. Because remember,

Starting point is 00:11:31 you're talking to a girl, you're talking to a woman, you're on a date, you're having a chat, you're not giving a TED Talk, you're not doing a stand-up comedy routine, you're not trying to impress her. Lower the bar for how good your word choice needs to be. Do you strain to be clever and conversationally amazing with your friends? Do you get in your head about what to say when you're talking to your best pal? No, I imagine you don't. So why are you doing it with women? So lower your bar for how good you think your conversational skill set has to be. Don't strain to be funny, clever, witty, amazing. Paradoxically, when you lower the bar,

Starting point is 00:12:20 this actually will improve your conversational flow because by relaxing, you're letting your natural, authentic, best, clever, most charismatic side arise. So paradoxically, you might actually start saying the funny, witty, flirty, cool things because the pressure's off, right? When fear, when the pressure's off, when that straining need to be clever goes away, paradoxically, you actually start to become more clever and wittier and funnier. But it comes across really naturally as opposed to here's the cool, clever line that I wrote five minutes ago, or I thought would be funny to say. Anyway. Okay. Next myth is that sex equals happiness. In other words, that getting success with women is about getting laid. And that's bullshit. Fulfillment comes from growing as a man, growing into that best authentic man you can be, and from giving to other people as you grow, right? It's about growing and giving. There's a guy I know from back in the days when

Starting point is 00:13:35 I was working with pickup artists and getting lessons from all these pickup guys. This guy is hooked up with more than, man, 500 some women. I forget the number. He told me once like, oh yeah, 573. And he's still miserable because for him, sex is not a form of connection and it's not a form of love. It's a form of ego candy. He's doing it for temporary physical satisfaction. He's actually doing it for ego and short-term physical satisfaction. Basically, he's so wounded from his days of being rejected back when he was much younger that he needs sex as a way to make him feel more confident, make him feel more significant. So yeah, don't fall into that trap. Um, sex is wonderful. Sex is great. Whether you want

Starting point is 00:14:29 to have be dating more than one woman and playing the field, having sex with multiple women, there's nothing wrong with that. As long as you do it morally, ethically use protection, or if you just want, if you're a one woman guy, um, please know that sex itself is not going to bring happiness and fulfillment to you. Fulfillment comes from growing into the best man you can be and giving to women as your best authentic self. Okay, next. Oh, sorry, I forgot the practical tip for that one. Basically, you want to just take daily action to grow into that most radically authentic version of you and really give to women from your soul's depths. Okay. I don't mean supplicate and be somebody and do anything a woman wants you to do, but I am saying make it about what makes her smile, what makes her happy. Not happy at the

Starting point is 00:15:34 cost of your happiness, but when I'm with my girlfriend, Jess, I'm constantly checking in with myself consistently saying, how can I make her smile? I love her. How do I make her smile? How do I make her day better? How do I make her feel special? Because she is so special to me. I want her to meet, feel like all of her emotional needs are being met by me, at least all the ones that I'm able to meet. Okay, the next one's a big one. I'm psyched to talk about this myth. The myth that women love alpha males. Women love alpha males. That is a big, big myth. Bullshit. The truth is that alpha males are not even a thing. They don't even exist. I remember being in a Vegas conference room once with this pickup artist guy's seminar and this uh this bo drenched

Starting point is 00:16:29 content this bo drenched conference room this uh this pickup guy was strutting on the stage and he was talking about being dominant alpha male and he had this lame catchphrase and he said, the alpha male gets all the tail. It was like Johnny Cochran saying, if it doesn't fit, you must quit. It was so cringe. So yeah, there's a big myth that alpha males are what women want, but here's a problem. Here's the problem with that. Alpha males aren't a thing. They literally don't exist. It's actually a myth in the animal world. So the idea of the alpha male first gained credence way back in the 70s. And this was when a wildlife biologist by the name of L. David Mesh, M-E-C-H, I forget how he pronounces it. This biologist was doing work in the world of wolves. He's a wolves expert. And he published a book that documented the existence of alpha wolves

Starting point is 00:17:34 in the wild. And a couple of decades later, he tried to duplicate his findings, but he couldn't. And he was really horrified when he couldn't reproduce his findings about alpha wolves. And it turns out what he realized was that the alpha, quote unquote, alpha behavior he thought he had observed was simply mom and dad wolves caring for their little pups. So Mac renounced his original findings. But by then it was too late. What happened was the myth of the alpha wolf, the alpha male, had become cemented in conventional wisdom. And it's also informed so much bad dating advice. So just so please know, there is no concrete scientific evidence at all about the so-called

Starting point is 00:18:26 alpha males getting to mate with all the women. So that's the pickup artist bullshit myth is that, oh, be an alpha male. Women want the alpha male. It's not true in humans. It's not true in any animals. You can Google this, do some research. Don't take a dating coach's word for it. Do some research.

Starting point is 00:18:45 So for example, our closest relatives are the chimpanzees. And studies show that the aggressive chimp does not become the group leader. And that actually often smaller, more docile chimps become dominant in the community because they're completing more tasks, some feminine tasks, like grooming other chimps. Another example from the animal kingdom is another close biological relative of ours are bonobos. Bonobos are apes that live in a matriarchal society. And fun fact, by the way, bonobos and humans are the only species that French kiss. Fun fact. Yeah, I think that's funny. Only humans and bonobos French kiss.

Starting point is 00:19:41 I'm pretty sure my dad is part bonobo based on the way I kiss. Anyway, so in bonobo society and also chimpanzee societies, what we've actually found is that the alpha does not have any kind of advantage over non-alpha, so-called alpha chimpanzees. So now, don't get me wrong. It's absolutely vital that you at times assert yourself. Traits like assertiveness, courage, boldness are absolutely essential in dating. I tell a whole story in a different podcast. And my book actually starts with a story about me having to make a very assertive move at a bar with a woman who these three Wall Street guys were trying to steal the girl I was with away from me. And I had to make an assertive move to steal her back. So absolutely, there are moments when you're going

Starting point is 00:20:41 to have to show some strength. But the idea of the alpha male behavior is just terrible. It's bullshit. It's a problematic myth. At worst, alpha male behavior stifles growth and encourages men to basically be beta males. Right? and encourages men to basically be beta males, right? Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to.

Starting point is 00:21:22 There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can Confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what

Starting point is 00:22:07 to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold, in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Socks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. And at best, it just leads to wearing Axe body spray. Okay? You don't want to be an alpha male. So drop the alpha mask and just understand that it doesn't work. Yes, there are times when you're going to have to man up, right? There are times when you

Starting point is 00:22:48 got to make a move, go for that first kiss, say the romantically flirtatious thing. But studies show that non-alpha qualities like kindness and generosity, these are the key indicators of a fulfilling relationship. And women are looking for a man who has that combination of authentic value and strength, but also kindness and generosity. Don't overlook that. Ignore the alpha male myth. And another big myth I want to talk about today is this myth that rejection is bad. That rejection is somehow bad or it's something you should be afraid of. That's a big myth. The truth is that rejection is necessary.

Starting point is 00:23:35 And not only is it necessary, but rejection is good for you. This is the biggest, baddest myth of all because it causes so many problems. This idea that rejection is painful, it sucks, it's devastating. And it can feel that way. I mean, my book is called Dating Sucks because rejection can suck, right? You take a chance with your heart. You ask a girl out. You send that flirty text.

Starting point is 00:24:01 And then you get turned down or you get ghosted or unmatched. Or she says, hey, you're a good guy, but I'm just not feeling the spark. However, and that can hurt and that can feel wounding, but what causes that pain is not rejection itself. It's how you interpret it. You're giving it a painful meaning. You're turning it into evidence that you're not attractive to quality, attractive women. Because you see all men and actually all people in general, really, they all want to feel special, right? We're all put on this earth and we're wired to want to feel special and important. And this is a driving force that's hardwired into our psyche. It's why as men, it's why we climb mountains or pump iron or get a six pack abs or make a million dollars. It's so we can feel special.

Starting point is 00:24:54 Hell, part of the reason I launched this podcast is it kind of feels cool to say, hey, I got a cool podcast. I feel special. Part of the reason I wrote a book is so I can say, yo, bitches, I'm an author. Check me out. It makes me feel cooler and special. We all want that. And one of the ways, one of the most powerful ways as men that we can feel special and important is through dating, specifically through the validation from the right woman, how that can feel. It can feel intoxicating, right? It can help you realize that you're special, that you're enough, that there's nothing, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel like you're enough. But when you get rejected,

Starting point is 00:25:37 quote unquote, it can make you doubt that worth. It makes you feel less special. And what you do is you misinterpret that rejection as a sign that you're not attractive, not good enough, and then you extrapolate. Because hey, if you're not attractive to women, if you're not enough, then maybe you won't be able to give or receive love. And that's heavy stuff. So viewing rejection through this lens, that's what turns any romantic risk, such as approaching a cute girl at a party or a bar, turns that romantic action, that romantic risk, not into a small social risk, which it is, but it turns it into judgment day for your worth as a man. Judgment day. And so you probably don't take the kinds of romantic risks that you want to, at least not with the kinds of women you're drawn to,

Starting point is 00:26:35 because rejection would really cut deep and make you feel unattractive. Less of a man. And if you do take a chance, if you do say, approach that really pretty girl, which I hope you do, I want you to, if you're so afraid of rejection, it's going to be really hard for you to relax and be your best self. And that'll interfere with your interaction with her, make you less confident, and it'll probably lead to rejection. So it becomes a vicious downward spiral. So how do we fix this? Here's the move I want you to make. It's a mindset shift. And bro, this can change everything. This can change everything. I want

Starting point is 00:27:19 you to see rejection through new eyes. See it through new eyes. So when I take a client out, so what I do in my coaching is I take guys out in New York City once or twice a month, and we go out on the town and I'm their wingman. I call it the wingman get the digits weekend. A whole weekend of guys approaching women with me, getting numbers, getting dates, having breakthroughs, making out with girls. It's crazy. It's fun. It's crazy. It's fun. It's amazing. It's life-changing. And so when I take guys out to do this, often I start that night, I start demonstration by approaching women and I want him to see me approach. And I also want him to see me getting rejected. I want him to see women saying, no thanks, ginger man, not interested.

Starting point is 00:28:07 And sometimes I'll have my client choose a very scary approach situation. Like let's say there's a large group of girls on the dance floor. And I'll say, hey, what's the hardest approach situation you see? And he'll point to all these girls on the dance floor. And I'll go in and I'll talk to the cutest one. And I often, not always, but I often get rebuffed. Now I don't do this because I'm a masochist. I do it because I want my client to see that rejection is not something to fear. It's just part of the process. Okay? It's a feature, not a bug. That's right. Rejection is a feature.

Starting point is 00:28:48 It's actually required. You can't approach women and not get turned down from time to time. You can't get Tinder matches without getting ghosted sometimes. You can't go for kisses and have fun, sexy first dates where you're making out and you're all over each other. You can't have that without sometimes getting a woman to turn the cheek and say, oh, no thanks. It's all part of putting yourself out there. So what if? I have a big what if question for you. What if you saw rejection as painless?

Starting point is 00:29:27 What if you were immune to it? What if you just gave fewer fucks? What would that be like? Think about that. What if rejection was just gone? I should say the idea of it just vanished. Then I would suggest to you, you could be free, right? You could be totally free. You could take bold new actions. The stakes would feel lower. You could see that stunning, beautiful model type woman at Starbucks and break the ice with her. And if it went great, guess what?

Starting point is 00:30:04 Your life just changed. You're now going on a date with absolute beauty. And if she did not want to go on a date with you, it's not rejection, right? Or it is rejection or it is being rebuffed, but it's just a girl saying, hey, thanks, but no thanks, but nothing to feel really rejected about. So I want you to try to see rejection for what it is, which is just no biggie. A woman's rejection is not evidence of your worth or importance. It's just evidence that she's not interested, right? Maybe you're very attractive, but just not her type. So rejection

Starting point is 00:30:46 means next to nothing. You can brush it off. Like think of it the way, like imagine you went to brunch and you asked the hostess for a really good brunch table. And she said, oh, sorry, we don't have anything right now. We're not going to be able to help you. She just rejected you, but you don't take that personally. You just take it as, okay, I'm not dining in this. I'm not having brunch here today. Same with a woman who doesn't want to date with you or rejects your approach. Or when the Delta ticket agent, quote unquote, rejects your request for a business class upgrade. Look at dating rejection the same way. Your worth is not on the line. It's not personal.

Starting point is 00:31:30 Now, you might be saying, Connell, you're crazy. Of course rejection's personal. To which I reply, dude, why are you talking to a podcast? I can't hear you. But my point is, the truth is a woman who barely knows you can't truly reject you.

Starting point is 00:31:53 Now, if your long-term girlfriend sits you down and says, Hey bro, I don't love you anymore. I've never had an orgasm with you and I'm leaving you for Fabio. Okay. That is rejection. All right. I'll meet you at the bar. I'll have a drink with you and I'll help you drown your sorrows. But if a woman you barely know blows you off, then she's probably just saying to you, hey, I like the Beatles and you're the Stones. And there's no shame there because the Stones fucking rock. Anyway, cool. Well, those are the myths we've busted today. If you have any dating myths you want me to talk about or things you want to know, hey, is this a myth or is this the truth? Feel free to shoot me an email. My email is connell at datingtransformation.com. C-O-N-N-E-L-L at datingtransformation.com. Shoot me an email. My email is connellatdatingtransformation.com. C-O-N-N-E-L-L at datingtransformation.com.

Starting point is 00:32:48 Shoot me an email and I'll see you next time. And remember, gorgeous, cool, bright, beautiful, wonderful women, they already like you. They just have to meet the authentic you. I'll see you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media.

How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Do THIS to Be Fun and Flirty on Dates + 5 More Myths Busted

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