How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Do THIS to Make Dating a Lot Less Painful and a Lot More Fun

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

Is dating just not fun for you? Do you judge yourself harshly after dates or interactions with women? Do you struggle with flirting and talking to cute girls, and you’re not improving?Let’s get this handled! In this episode, dating coach Connell Barrett shares a simple mindset drill called the Coin of Self-Assessment. It’s a simple mental tip you can apply every day to make dating a LOT more fun, while helping you get better at flirting, approaching, and connecting on first dates.Listen now, and flip the Coin of Self-Assessment, so you can stop hating dating, and start having more fun, more confidence, and more great dates.FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC: www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"Stop judging yourself. Be kind. With every date, you either win or you learn. And learning will lead you to love."-Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction03:19 - Flipping the Coin of Self-Assessment in Dating Interactions04:38 - The Power of Positive Self-Assessment in Dating06:09 - Confronting the Inner Critic: Battling Self-Judgment in Dating07:30 - Boost Your Confidence and Improve Your Dating Life11:45 - Conquering Self-Doubt: How I Overcame My Inner Critic in Dating12:19 - One Game-Changing Tip for More Genuine Connections15:18 - The Value of Self-Assessment: Unearthing Genuine Emotions16:34 - Cultivating Positive Self-Perception in Dating19:58 - Constructive Self-Assessment: A Crucial Lesson in Dating22:33 - OutroProduced by Heartcast Mediahttps://www.heartcastmedia.com

Let's get rid of the concrete shoes of self-judgment. Let's instead flip that coin of self-assessment. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and find an incredible, wonderful girlfriend all by being authentic. No sketchy pickup stuff needed. No spells,

no peacocking, no weird hats. Although if you just like weird hats, you can wear them. I mean, you could walk up to a woman wearing a bowler, but that might be really cool. Retro dating. Hey, thanks for joining me today. And today I want to help you get your mindset in a great, powerful, resourceful place. I want to help you today to get over an obstacle a lot of men face, which is that they don't enjoy dating. They're very hard on themselves. They see this as a necessary evil. They see approaching or going on dates. They just don't have fun doing it. And you might be really tough on yourself in your dating life. You probably judge yourself a lot.

And I want to help you fix that. By the end of this podcast, I want to give you, I'm going to give you a very simple mental tool that I use with every single one of my clients to help you get better on dates, to help you stop doubting yourself, stop judging yourself, and to start feeling growth and progress and, of course, results. Of course, you want great results. You want to become more magnetic, more confident, flirt better, and create great connections with women. So I'm going to give you one of my favorite mindset tools that I've developed in my 10 plus years as a professional dating coach. I've been doing this. I've been studying and working on dating for 18 years

because I'm really old. And I've been a professional coach for a decade now. And today, I want to give you something that's going to help you stop judging yourself, beating yourself up. It's going to make you feel more empowered. It's going to turn every date, every approach, every interaction with a girl, with a woman into to a guaranteed win instead of what dating probably feels like to you, which is a slog, a war, frustration. If you're like most guys, you probably might go on a date. And if it doesn't go well, if you don't have amazing chemistry and if she's not super into you, you probably beat yourself up and say, man, why do I suck at dating? Why is it so hard? Why, why, why?

Why can't I get better at this? And so let's fix that. Let's fix that today. Let me give you this mindset tool. It's a very simple metaphor that I've begun using with my clients or that I've been using with my clients. I call it the coin of self-assessment. The coin of self-assessment.

Here's what it is. It's so simple, but it's so powerful. I was just doing this last night with a client. I'll tell you that story in a second. Here's the coin of self-assessment. After every interaction with a woman, whether it's a 30-second approach or a three-hour date, after every interaction with a woman, I want you to flip the coin of self-assessment. Here's what I mean by that. Heads and tails.

Heads is you want to look at the interaction and say, what are one to three things about that interaction I can feel good about, I can appreciate, I can notice in an empowering way? And then answer that question to yourself. That's heads. And then tails is what could I do better or differently next time slash what's the big lesson I can learn here? So I'll say that again. The coin of self-assessment is you look at a situation and a date and approach and interaction and you say, heads, what was great about that? What's empowering? What feels good? What positive meaning can I give this? Tails is, okay, what can I do better next time? If I didn't get an

amazing result, what lesson can I learn? What can I work on next time? So here's what most guys do. They don't flip the coin of self-assessment. They flip the coin of harsh self-judgment. It's not even a coin. It's more like a manhole tied around your neck that drags you down or a big rock that drags you down, the concrete shoes of self-judgment, that's where you probably are, at least at times. Here's what I mean by that. Let me take you back in time to me going out years and years ago, approaching women. I would go out and I was such a perfectionist and such a results-oriented little biatch that I would need to go out and I would basically need to have an amazing, sexy night with a girl, a makeout, a hookup. I would need so much validation from women. And if I didn't get that, I would beat myself up. I was so hard on myself. I would call myself an asshole. I remember one night when I first went out starting to meet women and approaching, especially at night, I was in San Diego

with a wingman friend. And I went out and I struggled that night. I didn't do very many approaches. And the few that I did, I was really harsh, judging myself harshly, beating myself up. Oh, you said the wrong thing. Your opener sucked, Connell. Why didn't you go talk to those girls? That girl was mean when she blew you off. You didn't take enough action. And so I spent this night out and I went back to my hotel room in San Diego in the Gaslamp District. And I just remember I was so mad at myself. And I walked into the elevator and I was alone, thank God. And the elevator closed and I just went over to the side to the wall in the elevator and I started. I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm,

and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you.

On your call, Conal or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self. So you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact. And grab a time that works for you.

Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. Pounding my head against the elevator wall and I went like this. You suck. You suck. you suck. I was so cruel to myself.

I just basically slammed my head against the elevator wall. I mean, it wasn't hard enough to concuss myself. I wasn't literally trying to hurt myself, but I was so frustrated. And that was coming from a place of such harsh self-judgment. And I don't want you to be like that. I want you to be kind to yourself. I was just so tough on myself because I felt like you must achieve, you must get results. Every woman must like you, which is a completely absurd idealistic aspiration, which just isn't real world. And so, yeah, I don't want you to proverbially slam your head against an elevator wall. Now, this perfectionism, this desire for results, it's coming from a good place. It's coming from a good place inside of you. The judgment's coming from a good place. It's coming from a good place inside of you. The judgment is coming from a good place. You want results. You want growth. You want to connect with some wonderful women. You want a great girlfriend. You want to grow. You want to

feel attractive. But you don't want to do it in a way that's cruel. You don't want to judge yourself. So anyway, let's get rid of the concrete shoes of self-judgment. Let's instead flip that coin of self-assessment. I'll give you a couple of examples. This is so simple. This is how I want you to analyze every single interaction with a woman you have from now on for forever. Okay. So let's say, here's an example for a client I spoke to just last night, my client, Alan. Alan recently approached a really attractive woman. She was sitting on the beach in his hometown on the East coast, on the coast. And he had not approached a girl in two weeks. And he walks over to this girl. He's got his dog with him. And Alan gives her one of my favorite openers that I use in my book. She was

reading a book on the beach. And he said, oh, hey, look at you. It's nice to see that pretty girls still read books. And she smiled and laughed. And she was pretty friendly and fairly receptive. And they talked for about two or three minutes. And at the end of the two or three minutes, he said, hey, you know what? Let me get your number. I'd love to go out with you sometime. And she thought about it. And she said, well, I'm kind of seeing somebody. It's kind of complicated. I don't think I can do that. And then he said, okay, no worries. And he and his dog went on his way. And Alan and I were talking about this last night. And I said, great, let's look at this. Let's flip that coin of self-assessment. What are one or two or three things that are great about what you did?

He said, well, I feel great that I finally approached a girl after two weeks of really hard work. I've been so tired and working so hard. I also feel great that I wasn't in a great mental state. I was in my head, but I made the decision and I went over and talked to her and that felt really good. And he said, and I also feel really good about the fact that she was actually really friendly and receptive. She didn't blow me off in a mean way. She didn't think I was a creep. She actually was pretty friendly and pretty sweet about everything. And I said, great. That's a great way to look at the heads part of this, the empowering positive meaning you need to give yourself. And then I added one more thing. I said, by the way, I want to add one more thing that I

want you to appreciate that you can feel good about, that heads side of the coin. I said, by the way, I want to add one more thing that I want you to appreciate that you can feel good about, that head's side of the coin. I said, you walked up to a woman, really pretty girl in the daytime, sober, and you shot your shot. And you did it with authenticity and empathy. You didn't say something creepy. You just chatted. You were friendly. You told her she was pretty and you wanted to say hello. And then I said, do you know how many men do that? He said, how many? I said, I don't know. I don't have data on it. But I would suggest that of all the single men in the world, 1% at most can approach a woman in the daytime sober and do it with good vibes. Most men don't approach women. The few who do need alcohol in a bar. They can't just vulnerably walk up and say, hey, you're adorable. I wanted to meet you.

And he gave her a rom-com movie moment. And I said, bro, you're in the I wanted to meet you. And he gave her a rom-com movie moment. And I said, bro, you're in the top 1% of men. He said, wow, I haven't thought about it like that. That feels good. So that's heads. Tails is, hey, Alan, what's something you can do better or differently next time? And he thought about it and he said, well, I think I might've rushed her a little bit. I think maybe I went for the number too quickly because it was only about three minutes. And I said, yeah, I think you're right about that. Two or three minutes, it's possible to get a number or a date in two or three minutes, but it usually takes a little bit more time than that. It takes time for somebody to get rapport with you, for a stranger to feel comfortable enough

with you to have the kind of rapport. It takes time for her to say, yeah, strange person who just approached me, let's go on a date. Next time, he could have sat on the bench. She was sitting on a bench at the beach. Next time, maybe you can sit next to her and see if you can talk for five to 10 minutes instead of leaving after two or three. That's one thing he might have could do differently slash better next time. That's one lesson to learn. And so we looked at the coin of self-assessment.

And all of a sudden, he felt a lot more empowered and good about his approach. Because how would most guys look at that approach that Alan did? If you went up to a girl and you shot your shot and she said, no thanks, I'm seeing somebody, you would probably lick your wounds and say, oh man, I got rejected. Girls are mean or this is hard. Why can't, you know, every girl has a boyfriend. This is doesn't work. Um, they would basically get very results oriented and judge themselves. So that, that harsh judgment would kick in what the habit of finding genuine good mojo and good emotions based on the actions you took, even if you don't get a result. And then it also teaches you lessons, things you can do better, differently for the next woman you talk to. Here's another example from a client. Actually, I used myself

from years ago. I'll use myself from years ago. I went on a date once where I was very confident, fun, in the zone on the date. And that felt really good. However, I was afraid to go for that first kiss. And I could feel the kiss moment happening. And I let fear stop me. And I basically wimped out and just gave her a hug goodnight at the end of the date instead of going for the kiss like I really should have. And I could feel her being disappointed by that. And we ended up basically not dating, I think in part, because I didn't step up and go for that first kiss. So after harshly judging myself, I actually took a step back. And this girl was really, really beautiful and smart and sweet.

And so I took a step back. After I judged myself, I stopped and I said, let's look at that coin. Heads. I can be really confident and funny on dates. Another heads positive thing to take away, it was, wow, if this really bright, beautiful woman, cool job, really together, if she liked me or at least had a date with me, then I wonder what other kinds of women who might be into me. Is it possible that I could have other dates with other beautiful, incredible women? And I realized, well, yeah, it probably is. She's not a special snowflake. So that made me feel good. And I also just remember how good I was at making women laugh on dates. And I felt really good about that. I was very funny. And so I could feel myself

triggering a really nice mutual connection with her in a positive way. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity.

Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can Confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform And she basically wanted me to kiss her.

That's another positive, actually. I could tell she wanted me to kiss her. That alone is a positive thing because that means she was into me. And then the tails side of this coin from this date from a million years ago, the tails side was, well, the biggest lesson is whenever I feel a good vibe on a first date, I'm going to try my best to go for that first kiss. Because as I've said before on the pod, I've never lost a girl by going for a kiss but not getting it. I know I've lost some pretty wonderful women, some romantic opportunities by wanting to go for that kiss but

being afraid to. So that was an invaluable lesson. It was a painful lesson in the moment because I did not end up dating this woman. But you know what? It was such a valuable lesson that I never made that mistake again. So looking at the tails side actually served me on countless dates. And so again, what is the coin of self-assessment? Heads. What are one to three things I did well, I can appreciate, or I just feel good about? Tails. What could I do better or differently next time to take things to an even higher level? Or, and or, what is the biggest lesson from this date? And what this does, the coin of self-assessment, it's a very kind way to give yourself constructive, positive, truthful feedback instead of perhaps falling into that harsh self-judgment. Because harsh self-judgment hurts your confidence. It makes dating less fun. It gets you in your head on dates. It's a dark hole to go down. Don't make the mistake I made. Give yourself a gift. Give yourself the coin of self-assessment. And you will be coaching yourself in a way that will bring you growth, better dates, results, and you'll just be being kind to yourself. Because hey, you got to love

yourself. You have to be kind to yourself. Very few people in the world truly are kind to us and love us. Family members, friends, good friends, you got to love yourself and be kind to yourself first and foremost. So flip that coin of self-assessment, do it after approaches. I don't care if it's a five-second approach or a five-hour date. Flip that coin of self-assessment. It's going to bring you so many great moments and lessons and great connections with some pretty wonderful women. Anyway, okay. That's today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. If you would like to have a free consultation with yours truly, dating coach, Conal Barrett, to find out if we might be a good fit to work together, all you have to do is go to datingtransformation.com. Grab a time that works for you.

We'll have about a 30 minute chat and we'll see what I can do to help you attract incredible women who like you for your best, most authentic self. I'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media. go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.