How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - From 10 Years of Loneliness to Landing His Dream Girl Allie: How Jake Found Love—and How You Can, Too!

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

Feeling stuck in a dating dry spell? So was Jake. At 30, this shy, nerdy engineer (and proud Creed fan) felt too afraid to talk to women. And he hadn’t had a girlfriend in a decade. But with personalized guidance from dating coach Connell Barrett, Jake learned how to confidently connect with women on the dating apps and IRL. In one whirlwind week, Jake went on five first dates. “That’s more than I’d had the entire previous year,” he said with a laugh. Then he met bright, bubbly Allie, who’s now his girlfriend. “I knew she was the one.”Channeling Creed, this episode will take your love life… higher! Connell and Jake discuss:09:30: The Missed Approach Opportunity that Ignited Jake’s Breakthrough13:35: The Mindset Shift Every Man Needs to Attract His Dream Girlfriend16:30: How Jake Landed Five Dates in Just One Week17:28: The First-Date Aha Moment that Led to a Sexy Make-out20:25: A 15-Minute Ritual for Instant Confidence22:06: How Connell’s “80-20” Flirting Rule Helps You Know What to Say to Women34:17: A Playful Teasing Move that Builds Attraction on Dates40:45: The Wordless Approach Technique that Works in Loud Venues45:38: How to Help the Right Woman See You As Her Dream Guy58:19: Connell’s No. 1 Daily Dating Tip to ApplyWith Allie as his partner, Jake’s decade of loneliness is behind him.Listen now and start your journey to finding the girlfriend you deserve!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE GREAT FIRST DATES:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30WANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[e-mail]

been into Creed this year. Okay. Confessions of Jake. Talk about being vulnerable and authentic, admitting that you like Creed. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend. And do it all by being authentic. Being your real, most authentic, awesome self. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And this episode is very special. It's perfect for the new year because it's a new year and I want you to get a new girlfriend in 2025, to have a new wonderful

woman entering your life very soon. And today's episode is about how my client Jake was able to do just that. When Jake first came to me, he was struggling with some issues that might resonate with you. He did not know how to talk to women. He could not approach. He got stuck in his head a lot. He just didn't know what to say, didn't know how to flirt. And he was also struggling with some issues relating to self-confidence. Jake is an engineer. He's in his early 30s. He lives in the southern US. And he was battling some things like loneliness. He hadn't had a girlfriend since the mid-teens, about 2015, 2016, somewhere around there. And he came to me because he just said, Connell, I'm lonely.

I don't know how to talk to women. And I just feel like I'm not what women want. The word he used in one of our very first conversations was, I just feel inadequate. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not charismatic enough. I'm just not enough. And he and I worked together. And not that long ago, he ended up getting his now girlfriend, Allie, in his life. Allie is, I haven't met her, but she's beautiful beautiful she seems so cool and sweet and she is deeply deeply in love with the real jake and jake just became so much more confident good at flirting good at approaching a lot more dates from the dating apps and um i'm really proud to say that

working with by working with jake we were able to get him this incredible girlfriend. And that's what this podcast is called. It's called How to Get a Girlfriend. So you're about to listen to a fun conversation I had with Jake, basically all about the problems he had and how we fixed them and how he was able to get a great girlfriend. And along the way, don't just listen to Jake's successes, but also listen to the insights, the tips. I share a lot of insights,

so does Jake, by the way, in this episode about how to talk to women on first dates, about how to get more matches, about having the right mindset, what I call the higher self mindset, that radically authentic self, that most confident, badass version of you, that's the guy women are going to be most attracted to. So please enjoy this conversation with my former client, Jake, who now has a great girlfriend. He's going to tell you how he brought her into his life. And going forward on this podcast, I want to help you get a great girlfriend. So listen to Jake and I talk about everything from flirting to dating to Creed, the band Creed. Enjoy. Hey, Jake. Happy holidays,

man. Long time no chat. Yeah, same to you. Great to talk to you. Yeah, thank you so much for being here. Our listener is super psyched to hear about your journey from struggling in a lot of ways with women and struggling with approaching and what to talk about on dates to now having this incredible, incredible girlfriend named Allie. We're going to talk about you and her shortly, but I thought you and I might begin at the beginning. When you first came to me, you reached out and booked a free call with me and said, Hey, Connell, I need some help with some things. What were some of the things you were most struggling with when we first spoke? Yeah, totally. So it's crazy to think where I'm at now compared to where I was a year ago.

So, I mean, I had kind of been reading through your book and, you know, I just, for many years, I'd been out of college for seven, eight years and just really struggling to find a good rhythm with dating. I would occasionally go on dates, maybe a couple dates per year. But just really couldn't seem to get the dates flowing. And I tried several different things. And I think just when I got on the phone call with you, it just was really, I think, a sort of a pivotal moment where I was like, all right, I'm going to do this. I'm going to focus on dating and make it a top priority and really learn how to date because I definitely had a lot of skills that I was lacking like being able to get on dating apps and actually take a girl from the first message to off the daps to a date to the, to the first kiss.

Like that was just completely foreign to me as well as, you know, many other, many other aspects about what you wanted. As I recall, you wanted a few simple things. I remember you saying, Oh,

I just want to be able to go on a dating app, get some matches and get dates. I want to be able to approach women and be confident and know what to say. And I think most of all, you wanted a great girlfriend. Could you, could you elaborate on just what you wanted on day one? Yeah, for sure. I think I wanted, I wanted the feeling of like, I knew what I was doing when I talked to women. I think the feeling of uncertainty was just killing me. So I just wanted that comfort

that just like ability, that smooth ability to go on a date with a girl and just know how to know how to kind of lead things. Um, and I, you know, I did want a girl, I wanted a person that I could share my interests with and share just fun, you know, fun dates with, be intimate with. Yeah, it was something I hadn't really had much before, so it was definitely a very strong desire. As I recall, you hadn't had a girlfriend since maybe the mid-teens? Yeah, really since college.

Not a real one, right? Yeah, pushing 10 years yeah really since not a real one right pushing yeah pushing 10 years since since i'd had a real girlfriend yeah so you wanted a girlfriend you wanted some smoothness you wanted to know what to say what to do and you wanted to not have too much uncertainty and uh that's all that all sounds really great i like to think of a guy like you. You're like a hero in your own journey. You want a protagonist in a movie or a novel. You want something wonderful. And the problem with being a hero in a hero's journey is there are certain things that get in the way.

There are problems that stop you. And you had some problems that were getting in the way. We talked in those first couple conversations about that internal monologue you had. Your words were, I was looking at my notes, draining, frustrating. Quote, am I attractive enough? I don't know if I have the social skills to talk to girls. Am I attractive enough? Can you talk a little bit about the internal things that were pushing back that voice in your head that was hurting your confidence back then? Yeah, it was, I mean, it was a lot of different things, but yeah, mainly that, that inner voice that would just constantly come up

anytime I felt like I made a mistake or didn't do something right. It was just constantly there, ready to just make me feel like shit about myself. So I felt like, yeah, I didn't have a lot of dating experience back in high school or college, you know, a couple of short relationships, but, um, but yes, I mean, being able to shut down that voice and actually just have fun on dates was, uh, was something that was quite difficult to do going into the, to the beginning of this year. He wanted, and you wanted to meet women in different ways. You wanted to be able to get good matches on the dating apps.

You wanted to be able to meet women out in the real world approach, get some phone numbers and dates. Can you share the story you shared with me way back? You were at a restaurant with people you knew, as I recall, there was a hostess you were attracted to and you wanted to talk to her or flirt with her, but something got in the way. Tell us that story, if you would. Yeah. I mean, there were honestly several stories like that.

So I think the one you're referring to, yeah, I think I was like, I think I was maybe with my family and just didn't feel comfortable. I didn't want to look like an idiot. And so, yeah, just totally got it. And you didn't want to be a, quote, creepy loser, right? Yes, yes. That's right. What's so funny is there is nothing creepy about you. You're the coolest, most amazing guy.

But that's what I call the lower self. That's what that lower self, self-doubtful mindset can do to us, is make us go, oh, don't be a creepy loser. Do women see you as a creepy loser? And so I remember you saying, yeah, you wanted to chat, flirt with a cute hostess, but what if your family saw, what if people saw you get shot down? It was that kind of bullshit, right? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And so no wonder you needed a little help. It's okay. Um, and you know, I do this thing with all my clients, such as Your Good Self, where we give that lower self a name.

Mine is Connie. Because Connie is that identity that represents the fearful, doubtful side of me who used to think, oh, you're a skinny, nerdy ginger who girls aren't into. That was why I could not approach women or have any confidence until well into my 30s. And you very vulnerably named your lower self Creepy Loser. Now, it's a pretty painful sounding name, but hopefully in a helpful way, because we want to get in touch with that voice of self-doubt keeping us down, right? Exactly. Yeah. So, okay. Creepy loser was your lower self name. So basically you and I chatted and we said, okay, you want some amazing things, but you've got

some self-doubt holding you back and also just some pure mechanics, some flirting and approaching mechanics that were getting in the way. And that internal monologue of basically, oh, am I attractive enough? Am I what women want? Now let's get into some of the fun stuff that we did together. Let's talk about the actions we started to put into place as we started to work. What were some of the things that you felt worked best in terms of flirting, in terms of assessing the action you were taking? Share some thoughts, please. Yeah, I mean, the first thing was just a few tweaks to the dating apps and starting to getting some matches.

That was a big shift, and I could finally kind of start to, instead of just thinking about what I would do and what I could do right and wrong, it was, it was actually, I was out there going on dates and getting to talk to you about it. And, and really, I think one of the big things that was helpful was, you know, you really, it was almost, uh, uh, a chore at the beginning, but you were just constantly making me do the heads and tails analysis. What went well? What went bad? I think that really helped to force out that negative voice in my head. And I really got to also just go out and enjoy some fun experiences. So you're talking about what I call the coin of self-assessment. Yes.

Here's a tip for everybody listening. When you go out into the world, whether it's a first date or an approach or a match on a dating profile and you're messaging back and forth, after any interaction with a woman, you want to start with heads. What I mean by heads is we want to start with something positive and empowering, which is what are one to three things that you did well and feel good about? Because it's so easy to focus, to beat yourself up and to say, oh, Connell, I approached that girl, but she didn't give me her number. She wasn't into me. And if you do that, not you, Jake, but the royal you, if you don't focus on some positive things,

then that can hurt your mindset. So we want to start with, hey, what did I do well? What can I feel good about? So I remember you going out to approach some women there in your hometown or near your hometown, and you reported back to me one night. You would talk to like five, six, seven, eight women one night out at the bars. And maybe you didn't get phone numbers or dates that night, but you did two or three other things really well that I think started to give you a little bit of hope, a little bit of like, hey, wow, I can talk to women and they talk back and everything's okay.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think really being able to just focus on it was, was a big deal. So, uh, you know, I've got a full-time job and everything. So, but I was going out multiple times a week, at least, you know, two or three times. I like to try to do a sort of a nighttime, you know, scene and a daytime scene, at least once a week. And yeah, I would sometimes go out to bookstores or go out to the stores and, um, yeah, just getting, getting in the rhythm of just chatting, chatting girls up saying like, Hey, what do you, what do you think of this jacket? Or what do you, what do you think about, um, what do you think about these things? And when you, uh, when you can get out, like when I could get out of my head and just kind

of be present and just ask things that were on my mind, the connection started happening so much faster. Awesome. Great. Let's get into that. I'll let you choose the context for this next question. The context could be approaching, could be first dates, but share a story or two. Share an aha moment you had where you realized, oh, whoa, that's what I can say or do to get more confident, get a better reaction from women. What stories, what aha moments jumped to your mind? Yeah, I think there were, there were a couple, I think there was the first week where I really

started like getting a lot of matches on the dating apps. And I think I went on four or five dates in a single week, which was just, that didn't, that was more than I'd been on the entire year before. And I just remember, I remember there was one of them. It was kind of a last minute, last minute date that I set up. And me and this girl met at this like little, little downtown, just outside the city vineyard place. And had like this Latin dance night that didn't even know it was going on or actually like learned about it just before so and i'd done like a couple of latin dance classes back a few years ago when i was trying to learn you know some different skills that would be useful in dating. And I'm not,

not a great dancer, but just being able to, I think coming off this high of, of, wow, I've got these matches, I've got these, um, you know, I'm, I feel, feeling like I'm having some success. Um, just went into this date really confident and was able to, you know, have some conversations with this girl and, and we went to the dance floor and by no means was, was, uh, you know, tearing up the floor, but just being able to have fun and, you know know went really well we were dancing and kissing and and it just was it was a it was like one of the first experiences where i was like oh man this is a girl i literally met you know 30 minutes ago and she's already just like we're having a great time having fun. And yeah, it was, it was amazing to, to see that that was possible for me. Yeah. Well, compare that abundant mentality you were beginning to tap into. Three, four, five dates that week, kissing a girl you had met 30 minutes before.

That's what I call dating abundance, where you have all these new wins, or at least options and possible wins, compared to the scarcity that you had when, quote, a creepy loser was running your dating life. By the way, I forgot to mention something. So we gave you this lower self name, creepy loser. We also gave you what I call the higher self name, which is the name I have my clients give that best, most badass, authentic version of themselves. And for you, we came up with Jake the Creator.

Because you like to create. You have all these different projects. You like to create things. You do a lot of work around your home. You're an engineer, so you're good with your hands. You're good with creating things. So the idea is that there's a higher self inside of you that has an abundance of lots of women would love to be with you if they met this higher self. And all of a sudden, it sounds like on this date where you were salsa dancing, Jake, the creator really came out and realized, Hey,

I've got a lot of good options here. And it's, I'm just, I'm really clicking with this woman. Yeah, for sure. I think, I think I knew that that higher self existed,

but I couldn't figure out how to bring it out when I was dating. When I was dating, I was just in this, yeah, the creepy loser mindset of, I'm not doing this right. I'm not doing that right. Um, and it, and it really took, it took a handful of dates. Um, you know, so I think that, that was maybe the, you know, maybe the, somewhere on like the 10th date I'd been on. Um, and so it, it just, it took a little bit of, took a little bit of time to get, get comfortable with that.

But once I got there, it was, it was a lot easier to get there again because I just, I had a feeling for what that, what that looked like. Right. The higher self needs to be reminded every day that he's inside of you. So here's something you at home can do every single morning. Every single morning, take 15 minutes. I call it the confidence kickoff or an hour of power, 15 minutes minimum. It can be up to 60 minutes.

And literally write down or better yet, say verbally three to five things about you that you know make you a good catch for women. And make them I am statements. I am successful. I am big hearted. Or I speak three languages. Or I love to travel. It can be anything. You just want to shift that lower self mindset away from the things that you think you lack and start focusing on the things you know you offer because that's how we essentially flip that switch

and put that higher self in charge. But he needs to be reminded every single day or else he won't show up. And then we've got creepy loser or connie showing up instead of jake the creator or connell fucking barrett which is my higher self name which is so stupid it's brilliant connell fucking barrett anyway okay um back to your story so all of a sudden you've got some great leads coming in on dates. You've got multiple women wanting to have dates with you. I remember you struggled early on, or one of the things you were struggling with before

you and I worked together was, what do I talk about? Is my content good enough? Is my flirting good enough? And I gave you what I call the 80-20 rule to follow on dates, where most of what you say doesn't have to be amazing. Anyway, talk about what I call the 80-20 rule to follow on dates where, you know, most of what you say doesn't have to be amazing. Anyway, talk about what I call the 80-20 rule, if you would. Talk about how that helped you either with dates or approaching or both. Yeah, that was, I remember that. That was a big, that was a big kind of shift for me because I found myself going into dates feeling like if I wasn't performing at

the top level for the entire date it was it was gonna be a failure and it was gonna be my fault but I remember you telling me you know 80% of the conversation can be kind of boring and yeah um and that i remember saying i did jake i dare you to be boring i remember i said go up and approach women and ask them about ai yeah yeah i don't know how that went but i just remember you like okay if i could talk about ai i guess i could talk about anything yeah yeah well Yeah. Well, and I think, um, yeah, I mean, what it, what it came down to was, uh, I think one of the big things that was holding back was my just fear of being boring and uninteresting. I thought that I thought that I had to be super interesting to a girl for her to be attracted to me when it was really, I just needed to show up as myself and be a interesting, like just normal person.

I think, I think normal, just be authentic. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and, but then it did give me, it gave me freedom to, when I did think of something funny, I could throw it in there and it would, it would be a great moment. Yeah. Yeah. Like what's your favorite band? What are some bands and musical artists you like? Pop or rock, anybody? Oh, man. It's kind of a meme for me this year, but been into Creed this year. Okay. Confessions of Jake.

Talk about being vulnerable and authentic, admitting that you like Creed. Fine. No judgment. No judgment here. I guess my point was about to be, it still is, when you're on a date you don't have to be creed's greatest hits every song doesn't have to be a banger you can just kind of have some jams have some kind of b-sides and then every so often maybe you throw um i don't know what's creed's big give you some creed music yeah thank cool one higher per date is enough to make a woman go, damn, I like this guy's music.

But yeah, you don't have to be Creed's greatest hits, or I'm a big Beatles nerd. You don't have to be, doesn't have to be the number one, 20 number one hits. You can just have, like, it could be side two of Abbey Road on a date. Some girls just want to jam and like, yeah, rocking out to some tunes. And that's my little analogy for, you don't need to fill a date. Some girls just want to jam and like, yeah, rocking out to some tunes. And that's my little analogy for you don't need to fill a date or an approach with amazing content. Just 80-20 rule. 80% sincere, normal, authentic. 20%, 10 to 20% can be what I call man to woman communication. Flirting, teasing, compliments, the fun parts of banter. But 80% of it can just be Jake being Jake. Because guess what? Jake is more than enough because he's Jake the creator.

You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped, using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you

attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. It was definitely, I remember going on dates beforehand,

like before working with you was just very high anxiety through most of the date. Whereas afterward, especially, it was just a lot more relaxing like i could i could start to say am i having like am i interested in this girl as opposed to constantly thinking about am i performing am i doing a good job it's just am i having am i enjoying it because there were there were some there were some dates where not going well and because we just weren't a good fit. And previously, I would think I'm no good. I'm a lousy dating person. I'm not attractive. But kind of as the year went on, I just was able to be a little bit more comfortable with, oh, maybe this girl isn't for me.

And it made the ones where I did connect with them all that much more exciting because it was, oh, wow, there's a connection here. I can feel it. Well, you changed the underlying question that you were asking beneath the surface on a first date. The underlying question, the term I learned from one of my coaches, was the primary question that kind of underscores a date. There's always a question that's being asked.

And the old question you were asking, and you tell me if i'm close here jake but the old question you were asking was am i flirting well or or does she like me or how do i impress her do you feel like those were some questions that you were asking almost like beneath the surface before you and i ever worked together yeah definitely it was just yeah how do i get her to like me? What do I say? What's the right move, basically? Yeah. And you changed the question to, is she a good fit for me? Or maybe the new question became, how do I find out if she meets my standards? That's an amazing question. That's a higher self question.

Is she good enough for me, or are we clicking as people, as opposed to, is she good enough for me or are we clicking as people as opposed to am i good enough for her because that that that's a total mindset game change if you can shift that the way you think about the date itself yeah for sure and just being able to be more comfortable like there's things that I enjoy talking about. So bringing those up and being comfortable with that and, and feeling like this is, this is who I am. This is, uh, let's, let's see if she's, let's see if she's into me and my true self. So. I love that. And you're doing something there, what I call the buyer-seller dynamic. Too many men go on first dates or approach a woman with the mindset of,

I am the seller and she's the buyer, and I want to sell myself to her. And that is understandable, but it's absolutely poison for connection, for sparks, because that puts you in a lower place than the woman. Because if I'm walking up to you trying to sell myself to you, that means you're above me and women don't want to date a guy who's below her. But it sounds like you're shifting it to, hey, are you what I'm looking for? Or do we fit as people? And that allows a woman to feel like, oh gosh, he's kind of screening to find out if I meet his standards. And that's what really attractive, great guys do. A lot of guys do it naturally.

You had to learn how to do it, but you started to do it. Let's talk about some fun kind of flirting moves, good old-fashioned mechanics. Were there any, you know, I call it man-to-woman communication. I teach things like playfulness, good, authentic, sincere compliments, teasing, storytelling. We talked about the 80-20 rule. Are there any other flirting moves that you learned from me, either in my coaching with you or in the book, that you felt like, oh, wow, that really worked, that really resonated?

I think one that I remember is just sort of spiking the conversation and you know maybe talking about something totally different um but just like finding finding the right way to just throw something in there that that turns it into man to woman like i remember there was this one girl that i went out with and uh we were talking about bands and and i bet you were talking about Creed, weren't you? That may have come up, but. That's confidence, a man who can talk about Creed on a first date. Yeah. Yeah. So listen to this. She, she says, she, I was like, so what was your, like, what was your, like, you know,

favorite band in, in high school. And she's like, I think it may have been Nickelback. Okay. You know, previously I would have just, Oh, that's funny. That's that's yeah. I like Nickelback too. But I was like, I really kind of leaned into it and I was like, wow, you just got so much more attractive to me that she liked Nickelback. And so just like a little like little comments like that, because it genuinely was, it was funny to hear her say that, but also I was like, okay, this is a girl that is not afraid

to say what she's interested in. And so it just, it stuck out to me and I was able to sort of, when I noticed something that was attractive to me, I was like, I pointed it out and actually said it out loud. Nice. And it, it, it, you can just feel the momentum building. Um, cause you're, you're, and, and, you know, another girl like went out with a nurse one time and, and, and like, we were talking about something and she was talking about her nursing job. And I was, I was thinking about it and I was, I just kind of stopped. I was like, sorry, I was, I was just thinking about, you probably look really cute in scrubs. Nice.

And I remember this. I remember you telling me about her. Yeah. Yeah. And, and it was just like, um, and I'm not being, you know, I'm not being this, you know, sex hungry dude, but it was just kind of these little comments that I was like, I think I was speaking authentically. Right. Um, it was, I was doing it in sort of a funny, funny joking manner. And we went back to talking about other things. But it was just little moments, little comments that showed that I was interested and showed that I thought she was attractive. Nice. and showed that I thought she was attractive. I found those to be things that my previous lower self would say, oh, what if she doesn't like that?

Right. And my higher self was let those things fly. Let the chips – absolutely, let them fly. Let the chips fall. And if she doesn't like you complimenting her musical taste, I mean, okay, fine. But she's probably not the right woman for you. It comes down to moving toward what you want, creating a real clear goal, that hero's journey. Here's what I want.

I want a bubbly, amazing girlfriend. On the path to finding her, Jake the Creator wants to have fun, sexy, good dates that are enjoyable. And we want to move toward what we want instead of be overly worried about avoiding what we don't want. It's about being kind of proactive toward asserting, moving toward what your goal is rather than trying to avoid a negative. And so what I love about that story with the nurse is you just let it fly. You let her know that you thought she was cute or sexy

or attractive because she was a nurse or that part of her was attractive to you. And the Nickelback compliment is a great example of what I call a positive spike, which is no way. You like this band? I like them too. too that's so cool i love that you're into them and that helps create a sense of um it's genuine too in your case now if i was on the date with a woman like that i would tease the shit out of her for liking nickelback i would say hey you know why they're called nickelback right it's because everybody wants a refund and get their nickel back when the show's over because it sucks so bad but that would be authentic to me because i'm a ball buster i'm a natural born smart ass you might not have my smart ass sense of humor which is fine you and i are very not very different but we're different people so i love that you're being really you

were leaning really into that really leaning in to being that authentic self um can't let you go here and we'll get to you and your girlfriend in a second but i gotta talk about your trip to new york you made a pilgrimage part of what i do with my clients is anybody who wants to come to new york who work to work with me we go out for a weekend and i'm your wingman literally literally side by side, shoulder to shoulder for two, three in-person sessions. You, me, a couple of clients come by and hang out. And you had a pretty incredible New York City experience.

Let's talk about, again, you don't need to name names or identify any people, but you had a pretty fun date. The night before you and I even met in person, you met a woman out on the town in New York City. Can you tell that story? Because that's such a great story about what's possible when a guy goes out there and meets people. Yeah, for sure. So I mean, I think it was the first time I'd been to New York City. So it really helped. I just got into this vibe of I'm here for a few days. I'm just going to lay it all on the table and try to have as much fun as I can. And so it was, yeah, it was a great way to get out of the normal routine the normal normal city and then yeah just the first night i i got there the night before and was able to just go out get some dinner and chatted to a

couple different people but sat down at the bar another another girl came up sat beside me just started chatting sort of started uh started joking around and i actually like she asked me while i was there and so you're seated up at a you're sitting up at a bar at a restaurant right you're kind of adjacent to each other yeah yeah what'd she look like? Paint a picture for our listener if you would. Yeah. I mean, she was like Latina and kind of clearly just grabbing a quick drink after work. And so, yeah, we just started chatting and she didn't – couldn't believe that I was, you know, first time in New York City. And so we just started chatting and joking around. And so I think it was a Thursday night. And so like, I was like, hey, I'm out to see the city.

You want to go hit a few spots? And she's like, yeah that sounds great so we we bounced around to several bars and um and she you know just had a fantastic time um it was fun and you know was was a great sort of man to woman connection we had we had some great uh some great inside jokes that we we uh came up with and um yeah it was just it was a it was a great great first night in in new york city yeah so you had gone by then this was before we actually went out and did our coaching together this was the night before so you were taking your own action which is fantastic and compare what you did compare you and that hostess from many many many months ago where you barely

even talked to her you didn't want to ask her out you didn't want to be creepy quote unquote to just chatting with casually chatting with a really attractive intriguing new york city woman next to you and you guys went, you had an instant date. You just went out, hit the town and really hit it off romantically that night. So that's what Jake, the creator, is capable of, right? Being able to meet a woman and all of a sudden you're out in the town with her, which is incredible. Yeah, totally.

It was just being able to get into that zone of I'm here to meet people and have fun. And I think that just came across as attractive and interesting as opposed to her just going home and having an early night. We stayed out late and went to a jazz bar and just went to all these different cool places. It would have been so easy for you to say, oh, you know what? I'm not going to talk to this woman. I'm going to be with Conwell tomorrow. I'll just keep it chill tonight and not even talk to her. Or maybe to talk to her, but not lead it anywhere but you adopt you you by then you had adopted this core philosophy that i

shared with you which is assert your ideal outcome with a woman until you and she get it in a win-win way that everybody loves which you and she went out that night and had a great night or until you get clear evidence that hey thanks but no thanks not. Not interested or I can't go out. So you were already moving toward playing to win, basically. You're playing to win. And you had a great night with her. Let's fast forward to our weekend together. In-person coaching. So it's you and me. It's a couple other clients came by. And basically, I'm your wingman for the weekend. I'm having you go approach women. I'm giving you feedback. I'm watching. I'm your wingman for the weekend. I'm having you go approach women.

I'm giving you feedback. I'm watching. I'm helping. I'm approaching women and talking to them with you. Think back to that weekend, if you would. What moments stand out? What was a highlight moment for you? Any insights you had?

Anything you did or felt that weekend that made you feel like, wow, this really helped me? Yeah, well, I feel like I need to tell a story about the one most memorable moment, which was the, you were, we were out at the club and you were, you were kind of giving instructions, which was great. Cause I not, not super comfortable in the club environment. So just having you to kind of just say, Hey, try this, try this. And so you told me about the uh the hand of god move the hand of god yes cue choir of angels let me let me let me explain what the hand of god is and i'll let you take it from there okay okay so the hand of god this is tough to teach on a podcast, but the hand of God is, it's a great way to approach a woman in a club, especially on the dance floor. So we're on this dance floor.

The hand of God is you extend your hand out. You tap a woman on the shoulder. You extend your hand out. And you do it in an over-the-top, absurdly, almost narcissistically confident way. Yeah. Visualize the, was it Michelangelo's Renaissance painting in the Vatican, God reaching out to Adam. You're reaching your hand out to a woman as if to say,

I shall give you the pleasure of dancing with me. There's no verbal. It's a completely silent dance floor approach. Hand out, and you assume she's going to take your hand. It's called the hand of God because it's such an absurd, silly thing to call it that. So anyway, that's how you can approach a woman on a dance floor. Without any words, you just put your hand out as if you are reaching down from the heavens to grant her a moment with a godlike person in you. That's the hand of God. I'll let you go to the story of this Friday night with me and my other client, Aaron, was with us.

Yeah. You just told me, hey, try this. And I was like, all all right let's do it so i was kind of walking across the dance floor and saw this this tall blonde looked like a you know russian model type type lady and and uh and so just went with the most i think i did like a hand twirl right and just and just literally the whole group of people around were kind of just like looking at me and uh hold on let me jump in real quick i'm sorry i'm not trying to yeah yeah be uh steer like be bossy here but as i recall you you tapped her on the shoulder she turned you extended your hand the hand of god and at first

she said no yeah right or she said no thanks but then did like all these people didn't her social group kind of like yeah a couple of the girls and the dudes were like no you gotta like you gotta dance with this guy you kept your hand out you like insisted oh it was it was a good bike it felt like minutes three or four seconds yeah okay before she finally gave in to uh and it was it was kind of like the uh the dog that catches the the bus didn't know what to do after that like kind of danced for a little bit i think it like tried to kiss her and i remember butts were being squeezed i remember it looked like dirty dancing you were both into it i remember aaron and i were just cracking up aaron's my other client who was with us and we were watching you like oh my god they look like they're grinding on the dance floor

i have seconds or 20 seconds earlier she was saying saying, Oh no, I can't. But, but you were insistent, but it was, you were persistent, but it was playful. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And it, it, it, I, I didn't at that time really know how to transition to, Oh, let's have a conversation. Let's have fun on the dance floor. So it was definitely a memorable moment, which kind of was maybe one of the peaks of my confidence. Amazing. Yeah. And that's what we want to have, these experiences of clear new evidence that you are very attractive to lots of women. Because that lower self

can stick around and say, you're a creepy loser. You're inadequate if we don't give it counter evidence. So when you go on three, four, five dates a week, when you make out with a cute girl, you know, who you're dancing, salsa dancing with, when you do the hand of God, all of a sudden you're grinding on the dance floor with a random gorgeous woman um all of a sudden that lower self realizes that that it's full of shit and that you really are jake the creator and that's our brain need that that evidence and that proof of success. flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to

say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. And that's F-L-I-R-T-Y three zero. Datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty30. All right, let's talk about the big win here for you. So you have a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. All right, let's talk about the big win here for you. So you have a wonderful girlfriend named Allie. I've seen photos of you. She's adorable. She's a really cute brunette, I think. And tell me a little bit about you and Allie. And specifically, I'm curious about any moments that you had early on with her, whether it was an early

date or interaction with her, where you realized, oh, wow, I know what to do here. She's really into me. Um, or you, you, you share any, any wins that you experienced along the way with a lovely Allie. Yeah. So there was, I think I should start like at the very beginning and we matched on hinge. I think it was. And, uh, it took a couple tries to, to get the conversation going. And I, I thought that she had lost interest. I thought she was, she had moved on. She didn't reply to a couple of my messages, but I sent one more message, um, joking about, you know, how she was sick and, ah, she must've, she must not have made it. And it was this flirty kind of playful way.

And she just immediately replied and was like, oh, sorry. I was busy. And so took that to the – I was like, all right, let's text off the app. Maybe we can go on our first date, walk through the Walgreens aisle to get some cold medication. Wow. Hey, big spender. Yeah, yeah. So just like fun, flirty.

Nice. And then set up the first date. And I think it was, I'd had a couple of moments, but it was one of these moments where I was instantly attracted to her. I was like, man, this girl is just gorgeous. And then it was one of the first moments where I started talking about things that I was interested in, nerdy things like AI and tech and space and rockets and these kind of nerdy stuff.

And I could just see her getting so attracted to me. It was like, I can't. And she's still to this day, just, I'll start talking about these things. And she's like, man, this is so hot. And so I'm like, this is, I did not believe that this girl existed before. And so, sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. You're good. You're good.

Essentially just, yeah, really at that point I'd been on, this was towards the end of, this was several months after we had stopped working together or finished the program. And just at this point, I'd finally gotten this, what I'd been talking about, which was this sort of comfort of, okay, I see what's happening. She's into me. I'm into her. Now it's just my job to kind of lead the interaction. So we kind of bounced around.

We went to this, it was kind of this sports bar or this bar that had like games it had like was this your first day yeah first date okay and um so had this it was kind of this outdoor it was during the summer they had you know they had ping pong billiards darts all this kind of thing so we got to just kind of walk around and, and it was, it was extremely flirty just right from the get go. And one of the things that I really liked is, uh, is girls that are bubbly and, and just very responsive, um, which, which she was, which just made it, it made it easy for me. And so I think we were just all over each other, really, just within 30 minutes of the date.

It was one of these, oh, wow, this is one of those great connections. And so I had a couple different things planned. So we went to a couple different bars in the area, but great date. And so, yeah, we set up several dates, continuing to go out. You feel – I'm going to ask you the most loaded question in the world were you genuine and authentic and was it just natural on that date with her or did you use toxic planned pickup moves no i was i was totally uh i felt i mean i think at that point i you, I figured out how to joke and tease, but do it in an authentic way. okay, there are girls, there are attractive girls out there that are into me specifically,

my quirky type of person that I am. And it takes a little bit of going through the numbers to find them. And so, but yeah, I felt like I was being the creator. I was, I was, I was making jokes, telling stories, um, and just felt super confident having this hot girl just be super into me. Um, and so what was your first kiss like or how did that happen um we were so we we'd walked away from the bar to one of these uh like shuffleboard games um where you throw the little things and try to land and you know she was uh like we were just joking oh you're like we we were just joking about you know being good or bad and

that was that was a bad throw and but um we were and and you have to walk back and forth so we were kind of flirting with each other as we were walking to either side of the the shuffleboard and um and yes like we were almost kind of forgetting the game. We were just so into each other. So it was pretty seamless, just sort of put my arm around her and first kiss right there in the middle of the bar, tons of people. But it was just like nobody else was there. Yeah, just felt like the thing to do.

Yeah, yeah. And then multiple times throughout the night it was just felt very felt very natural um having her having her be super interested in me made it made it easy like didn't have to didn't feel like i had to force it i felt like i had to i definitely had to initiate it um okay i think i think that was a big thing that i had struggled with but at this time i was able to okay she she's clearly into me let's let's kiss right i remember you learning that lesson from a previous woman who you had not initiated it with and i forget the specifics but basically you had to be reminded a couple times through trial and error, unfortunately error, with previous

situations. Oh, I didn't lead it. I didn't escalate it. I didn't lead that dance. And then that woman lost interest, whoever she was. Obviously, you learned that lesson with Allie, and that you led it naturally, authentically and naturally, but you still made the decision to lead the dance, right? Yeah. I think of dating as a dance. And generally, men and women, the masculine male essence leads the dance, and the woman follows, says yes or no. And obviously, she said yes to your lead. But you had to learn that, of course.

And what a wonderful benefit. I'm going to read a text you sent me a couple weeks back. You said, great cute picture that you sent me of you and Allie. You guys are waving and giggling and smiling. And you wrote me, and she is infatuated with the authentic me. Were you referring to the fact that you can talk about stuff like AI and nerdy quote unquote nerdy stuff and, and creed and she's into it. Is that what you mean? Yeah. Yeah, totally. I mean, uh, and like, I think one of the things that I, I like about her, she's,

she's extremely engaged and she wants to hear, hear about what I'm interested in. And, uh, so it's, it's super enjoyable to be able to talk about those things and have her be excited about it. Um, so, and, and yeah, it's, it's awesome. It's, it makes it, makes it really fun. And you also, uh, sent me another text message. You actually sent me a screenshot of what Allie had written you. And I'm quoting a little bit from Allie messaging you about an upcoming little sleepover you two were planning. She wrote you, that sleeping bag looks amazing, all capped.

I'm so excited to experience this with you. I completely agree that we both will have to be naked in that sleeping bag. And I might need you to warm me up in some other ways. I'll keep it PG for now. But anyway, you are clearly with a wonderful young woman who is super into you. I'm so proud of you, for lack of a better term, happy for you. I'm not surprised, but I'm super impressed. How does it feel to have this young woman in your life, this first girlfriend in almost 10 years? how does it feel? Uh, fire away.

Yeah. It's, it's a lot of times I'm like, is this, I, I, I sometimes try to think about like, it's hard to imagine, you know, going 10 years without a, without a, without a girlfriend. So it's, it's, uh, it's awesome. It's fun. Um, I only went 30 years without it. So, Hey, no, no judging here. Go ahead. Um, I mean, it, it's, it's, uh, yeah, I mean, it was one dating. Dating for me has always been one of those felt like it was the, the wall I could never get over. And so it's really been, yeah, awesome to feel like I've made a big leap forward in being able to get a girlfriend. And, yeah, it's one of the, one of the most just enjoyable,

enjoyable things that have, that have done. So I've, I've been really, really thankful for being able to, to do this this year and work with you. And I think like just, the, the ability to have somebody to like focus on it with me. Like I tried multiple years to, to do this, but being able to have somebody that I think you, you understood how, how my, like you understood my problems. Like there's, there's certain different types of problems that I think people have. And you understood my problems were able to kind of coach me through how to, how to get through that.

So, um, it's, it's been a huge, huge confidence boost, uh, a lot of fun. So. Well, let's end with, um, you thank, no, thank you so much. That means so much from, to hear that from you. Uh, I love you. I love you. I'm sorry to hear that from you. I love you. I love ya. Sorry, I'm a guy. I love ya. That's better to say. I love ya.

I don't love Nickelback or Creed, but I love my man Jake. And I remember when you and I first spoke, you said, Connell, I have this really cool house that I've worked hard on, and it's like you've done some work around the house. And you said, and I don't have anybody to share it with. I want to fill this house with, with love and romance. And it sounds like you've been able to do that. And we're talking right now in the middle of the holidays. So I'm so, so proud of you and happy for you. Um, let's end with one final tip. Cause the guy listening to this probably won't work with me and that's okay this podcast is basically a kind of an audio dating coach so for the guy listening to this

if you had to give him one tip one thing you want him to start doing uh or a tip i gave you that helped or a philosophy to adopt no wrong answer i'll give you a quick while you think about something i'll i'll share mine for this episode which is ask yourself every single day, what do I want? What kind of woman do I want to be with? What kind of girlfriend do I want? What kind of person would really make my life feel even more meaningful and connected? And then take one authentic but scary action every day. Just one. Asking out your crush or approaching a woman or just saying hello to an attractive

woman you see at a coffee shop. If you do one scary, uncomfortable thing every single day that is taking a step toward getting you the kind of girlfriend you want, you might be surprised how quickly or how fast or at least how effectively you can move toward that relationship. So my tip here for the end of the episode is take one courageous, authentic action every day and be moving toward a goal and an outcome of finding that wonderful girl, woman to share your life with. That's my little parting tip. What about you? Uh, final tip, game changing tip you would like our listener to take away from your chat with me today. Yeah. I mean, I think, I think the tip that I would have liked to hear is just that being like be open to the idea that what you want in a girl and what you want in a relationship is possible that it's it's not like you're

unworthy of it it's not like you're incapable of attracting a girl, but it, it does take some, some mindset work. It takes some, some mechanics being, being a little clunky, having those awkward moments that you just gotta like laugh at. Um, but it is definitely possible for you. And I think being able to just go through that process, I mean, I would say it took a good six, seven months of a lot of focused effort, a couple little relationships and failed dates, but got to that point where I understood who I was, what I wanted, and came out better on the other end. So happy I went through that experience. It was a work.

It was kind of difficult at times, but it was extremely worth it. So I remember a lot of times I would get, I think one of the things that kept me held back from having dating success before was just because I would get maybe a little demotivated or, you know, lack of confidence that I could do it and get distracted on other things. But it was worth it to kind of focus on it for a time period and have that success, the taste of success. Amazing. Definitely worth it. Well, Creepy Loser is dead.

No more loneliness. No more feelings of inadequacy, no more getting too stuck in your head about dating. Instead, you have become Jake, the creator, and you created a wonderful relationship. And I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much for being here today. Yeah. Thank you for being the coach. And yeah. And thank you for standing up and telling the world about Creed. Uh, finally,

finally people know how great they're making a comeback. It's, it's going to happen. All right. I'm going to listen to Creed later in your, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to play Creed. If there's a copyright thing, I'm not sure if that'll be in the audio,

but I will, I will listen to Creed. If, if, if copyright allows me, if there's a copyright thing. I'm not sure if that'll be in the audio, but I will listen to Creed. Can we please have an outro too? If copyright allows me, I will play Creed on our way out. If it doesn't, it's not my fault. I don't want it to pay them a penny. Anyway, thank you so much, Jake.

And by the way, thank you for listening. And remember, your dream girlfriend, she's out there just like Jake's was. And she already likes you, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic you. So go out there and take courageous, authentic action. Carpe datum. Seize the date. We'll see you next time.