How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - From Reddit Rage to Real Connection: How Ajay Learned that Women Actually Like Good Guys!

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Do you fear that approaching women might get you labeled a creep—or even socially shunned? Connell’s client Ajay once felt that way. Drowning in toxic Reddit advice, Ajay believed that women didn���t want to meet good guys like him. In this episode of ‘How to Get a Girlfriend,” he tells Connell how he went from feeling terrified to approach women to confidently meeting cool, cute girls. It turns out, women actually LIKE good guys.Highlights of this Episode:01:45: Ajay’s Greatest Fear that Kept Him from Approaching Women07:54: How He Met 6 Women in One Day—and Transformed His Confidence13:15: The Instant Kiss that Led to Ajay’s Spiritual Breakthrough22:29: The Biggest Reddit Lie About Approaching… Exposed!28:08: “Get off Reddit!” Ajay’s Unfiltered Advice to Escape Toxic MasculinityDO YOU WANT TO ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND? BOOK A FREE CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN ABOUT 1-1 COACHING: www.DatingTransformation.comEMAIL CONNELL FOR A FREE COPY OF HIS NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, "DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”: [e-mail]

the biggest piece of advice for guys is like if you're currently on reddit get off reddit fuck reddit it's a terrible place ijj welcome to the pod man thanks for being here yeah you're welcome it's good to be here with you i like being a city boy talking to a rugged outdoorsy man like yourself you know if you and i should do like a body switching movie like a Freaky Friday type thing where you end up in New York City and I am out in the great outdoors hiking mountains and shit. I think that would be a huge hit. I think that'd be really fun. I mean, I've thought about it. So Freaky Friday, it'd be a wacky Wednesday. Anyway, let's talk about

some of the successes you've had working with me and frankly, I'm just a coach. I'm only as good as my clients. I like to say to guys who I talk to, I'm not a wizard. I'm just a dating coach who's been doing this for 20 years. I'm only as good as my clients. And you've had some really awesome successes I want to talk about. I like to start off with some of the issues that you were facing that first sent you to me that you were struggling with in the area of approaching women, self-confidence in those areas. So my first question is, in our very first call where you said, hey, coach, I'm looking for somebody to help me. You said that you quote, fear women. and that you were afraid of something bad would happen.

If you approach a woman, there's something to be afraid of. Can you unpack what you were afraid of, what that fear felt like, and how you feel now? Yeah. Okay. So, you know, it's funny. You sent me that question. I don't remember saying that. So I can't fully remember exactly I was afraid of having gotten to the opposite side of this.

Okay, so I remember the main thing was just necessarily. about afraid of women specifically, it was like I was afraid of just people in general and them finding out like who I was. Like I would say unironically, but it would sound like a joke. It's like, you know, I'm afraid of people finding out that I'm straight, you know, like that I like women because maybe that was like a California thing or like a, you know, I went to a liberal college, lived in this very liberal feminist commune at the time. And it was not very cool to be straight. I was just afraid that like, you know, if I were to make a romantic advance on a woman or like if they were to find out that I had any sexual feelings or thoughts at all, that those

things were impure, like they were dirty, they were predatory, and that women did not want these things and that it would like ruin my moral character. Like I've had this obsession for most of my life of like, you know, being a good person and being very, you know, stand up and moral. I was and Eagle Scout and all that stuff. Bought while I led fire in the Forest Service. And I didn't want that reputation, that image to be tarnished by, I don't know, people getting mad at me because I made a move on a woman and she didn't like it or something like that, right?

Right. And in hindsight, I'm looking, thinking, like, I was way overblown. Like, I was crazy and so were some of the people I was surrounded by at some points in my life. But, like, that was real for me. Like, when I started working with you, like, I was fully concerned. convinced that if my female friends knew, like, that I wanted a partner or that I just wanted like casual sex or something that, uh, you know, they would think less of me as a, that's a

person. Yeah. I also remember you mentioning having this belief, this feeling about, oh, I don't want to get kicked out of society. Yeah. Or shunned, right? Do you remember talking about that with me early on? Oh, yeah. Though for sure. I mean, I still got to catch myself on that one. Like, that fear never completely went away for me because it's such a deep part of my psyche. But like, yeah, that was a huge one. I was so afraid of like, what if I approach a woman at the store or at, you know, insert place here and everybody sees because I get rejected and then they're like, hey, man, like some bouncer like white knight guy comes up and he's like, hey, man, that's not cool.

You got to get out of here. Like, we respect women around these parts. Right. doing something creepy and wrong by talking to a woman with romantic interest or even thinking about that, right? Pretty much. And the worst part is, I was like, wait, but I respect women. And they're like, no, you don't. You just, like, went up to her.

This is the drama that was plagued in my mind, right? Right. No, it's very common. I think actually the most universal, the universal pushback that I hear from men is in terms of what keeps them from walking up and talking to a woman. is I don't want to be a creep. I don't want to be bothering them or be seen as a creep. Be seen like I'm doing something wrong because that leads to all these potential consequences in the mind, which in your case were things like, oh, I'll end up on what?

TikTok will say I'm the world's biggest creep or the security guy will kick me out. What was the catastrophe playing in your head? You know what's funny? This whole time you're talking about TikTok, I've never used it. I never got into it. I actually don't have socials at all now. but, like, I was more afraid of, I guess, Reddit was my drug of choice. I was afraid to be blown up on Reddit as one of those posts I would see.

Because I would look to Reddit for relationship advice. So all this stuff I was internalizing was our relationships. And it was like things like, you know, men of San Francisco, we need to be better. Like, you know, there was all these guys at the social event, like trying to talk to girls and hit on them. And like, you know, everyone was like, oh, my God, what's wrong with that? why can't they just go there and be friendly? And so something like that. It was not just about the internet per se.

It was more about real life. Like people that I knew in real life are like being banned from like environments. And I had this totally irrational fear that like the entire city would turn against me, you know? Like I would develop some reputation and some guy would see me somewhere else. Like, hey, you're that guy that creepily approaches women. Right. Yeah. That awful straight man who talks to the females to try to keep the species alive.

What a weirdo. Well, talk about it if you would. Let's talk about the flip side. It probably wasn't a specific moment or approach. Or maybe it was. I don't want to lead the witness here. What shifted for you? Was there a moment or a series of women you met or talked to or actions you took where you realized,

hey nothing bad's going to happen some women want to talk to me some blow me off and uh the the society police are not going to send me to canada when did you have that realization that's a good question i mean i think the improvement started a little bit small because i mean for the record you know this already right but for the listeners like that that fear never happened i did so many like approaches and not all of them went well a lot of them went poorly they were awkward and stuff I never got kicked out of society. Nobody cared. I doubt any of these people even remember who I was. But even with that happening, I was on, you were not around the phone a lot about this. And I was just like, God, oh, they're going to know.

Or like, I'm so scared. And you're like, but you haven't been like blown out yet. And I was like, oh, but it's going to happen, you know. It wasn't until like week 12. Right. You didn't even have like bad rejections for a long time. Yeah. I don't think I ever had a bad rejection this whole time. How many women did you talk to with me? I don't remember. Hundreds?

Not hundreds. Dozens? It wasn't as much as in college. It was, yeah, I'd say dozens at least. But after a while, it's like the ones that don't go well. I just forgot about them because the ones that went really well, like, they went really well. So probably like the moment where it really clicked was when I went on that rafting trip. So I joined like a social club and because one of the biggest things for me too, if you remember this, like was I told you in the beginning.

I was like, my problem is that I don't know where to meet women. Like, there's no women around where I live. And you said, that's not really a thing. And I was hesitant about the program because I was like, this guy lives in New York. He doesn't understand what it's like in Man Jose, like in Sunnyvale, right? That's what they call it here. Like, it's just a part of our collective thinking. Like, if you ask all my friends, there are just 10 people on the street here in my age bracket, like what they think of dating in San Jose.

And even the successful ones, they'll mention it. They'll be like, oh, yeah, it's harder because of the ratio. And even the guy like I know by Fred who's really good with women who just gets dates left and right Even he like parrots this idea, right? So that was where I was coming from So I joined the social club and to try to meet women because I realized once you start holding me accountable I was like I don't actually go out of my way to talk to that many women like I'm not actually doing any approaching I'm not too scared to go up to the women I just see randomly because it's not a social context and I'm not really like aggressively putting myself in social context where I could meet women right

and when I'd be in those situations I'd be too afraid to express interest so I went on this trip this drafting trip armed with this was week three man to women communication so I just watched the module and I was like this looks this seems like bullshit like I don't know if this actually works and it worked like it just it was life changing it was crazy how I just From the moment I got out of the car, I saw two women next to me. This was the Russian River in Sonoma County in California on a weekends. There's like hundreds of people here, and all of them are here for the same reason to float rubber intertubes down this river. And, you know, it's like a big party, like a booze-cruise type thing.

And so I was here to meet this random club of people that I'd never met before to do this with the group. And these two gorgeous women are next to me when we're getting changed into our swimsuits. and so I was like all right Connell said I got to approach six women so here we go and so I just talked to the first woman was like hey you know I forgot what I said but like I just think you're super gorgeous

and I wanted to come meet you and she and her friend like we're not against it they were appreciative if uninterested and the whole day went like that like that whole day was the aha moment where every single group of women that I went to and just opened in the most direct way possible

just saying what I actually wanted say instead of trying to make it work or be perfect, they liked it. They were like beaming. Like all the groups, they told me like, wow, thank you for coming up, you know? And the day later ended with me like, I was talking to this one woman that was in our group that I had joined. And we ended up talking for no more than 10 minutes before I just had this moment of inspiration and I pulled her in for a kiss and she liked it. And this was in front of all of these, like, people. This was literally my nightmare, right? Like, I just, I didn't just ask her on a date. I just kissed her, like, in front of the entire group. The guy who's

afraid of the society cops throwing him in prison is now making out with a girl he just met in front of all of her female friends. Talk about stepping up to your fear and, like, really changing the game. So what happened then? Well, she liked it. She kissed me more. And then we spent the whole day together just like floating down this river and like holding hands and like flirting and talking about our lives it was really fun it was like a life dream of mine to like have something like that happen you know and that day was crazy like on a spiritual level it changed my idea of what was possible in life and like what a human being like a worth of a human being even was what is what what is the worth of a human being what is your worth what did you

how what was the realization well before i was like you know i was raised by immigrant parents right so that's where a lot of this dating stuff actually comes from that everyone i knew had an arranged marriage when i was a kid right and though these people were happy in their marriages like they were forced to bury these people and they would like justify staying by saying things like you know like it's not that good all relationships take work like this is about as good as it gets basically right like you can't really expect anything better than like working your ass off And, like, there's a limit on what we deserve. Like, we can't have things that are too good to be true.

And I lumped this kind of thing into that. Like, I lumped an attractive partner or woman or, like, hookups. There's all this stuff that I thought was, quote, haram, you know, like, forbidden into this category. And so when all this stuff started happening, I was like, holy shit, God is weirdly sex positive, you know? Like, that was. what it was. I was like, I didn't realize God cared. Like, I'm going to have to be running away and hiding, like, my sex life from the

all night. God likes sex, too. Hey, how do you think we got Jesus? I mean, it makes it so stupid when you say it out loud because I was like, India has like a billion people there. I mean, it's not like they got delivered by the stork. So, yeah.

And I love how in one moment you're kissing this cute girl in the rafting setting and you have what i love is that you are directly at this time walking into the thing that used to scare the shit out of you you're like a lion tamer saying time to get into the lion's den and realizing oh wait nothing bad happened there's there's no lions that are going to come and eat me in fact um maybe there's just no lions at all it's still a weird concept to wrap my brain around like even now when i go to like events. Like recently I went to a tantra class that I was really interested in, right, that a friend

invited me to. And I met a woman there. We hit it off. I asked her out. She said, yes, we're seeing each other on Friday. And, you know, like, part of me is still in my head about, like, what if everybody saw? Like, I was afraid that I was going to get some sort of phone call from the leader of the teacher because they'd asked me to come volunteer for them. That's why I was at this thing, right? Yeah. The text I got was like, hey, yeah, we thought you were really cool. Like, you want to, like, do a trial period of volunteering and then, like, you know,

you'll just be a part of our team. And nobody cared, dude. It was crazy. Like, it's so weird to wrap my brain around that. Well, it's about doing, it's about taking the right action in the right measure. Yeah. If you approached a woman and she wasn't interested, and I know you would never do this, but if you then approached her five more times and harassed her.

harassed her and called her names and didn't look at the woman's social cues, that guy's in fucking trouble, and he should be. But what you're doing is, hey, I'm going to shoot a little shot at romance here. If she likes it, you got your consent to keep going. And if she doesn't, you're a gentleman, and you'd be like, hey, all good, nice meaning you, I'll let you get back to whatever. There's nothing to fear within reason. As long as you're going through the world as a gentleman, as a guy who's aware of how

women are feeling and adjusting accordingly, which is all any, all we wanted to give people in life and give women as a sense of, oh, me be present, let me calibrate, make sure you're comfortable. If she's, if she's comfortable with you, then you're good. And if she feels uncomfortable, you can say, hey, you know what? I'll let you go and then live to fight another day. But yeah, I love that you had to, I love that you discovered this because you stepped into the thing you were afraid of and just said, yeah, courage, baby. Yeah. Um, now, the listener is like, what did you say? How did you kiss her? What did you say to get all the girls into you? How did you spark attraction? What is your, what is your answer to that? So in that moment, um, well, one, the module three like missions, you had like a video about this as publicly available on YouTube. Demand a woman communication. That stuff works. It's not like specific things to say, but more like a way of being that is aggressively or unapologetically, not aggressive. straight.

And as far as what I said to the girl at the rafting thing, actually, here's what I did. You'll love this. This is why I thought that God was sex positive. It's like, I was talking to this woman. And I could tell I liked her and that she was really, I mean, gorgeous, you know. And I was like, I had this realization in that moment where I was like, we're just having a friendly conversation right now and I'm scared to make a move. I'm thinking about what's the right way to do it, right?

What's the way to do it that's not going to get me judged by anybody and that's going to work? And I was like, if I continue down this path, this is going to end like every other woman interaction I've ever had, except for, you know, a couple, but with the friend zone, right? It's going to end with us just parting and never seeing each other again. It'll just be so boring and like mild, right? And I was like, I'm going to have to take a risk, but I didn't know what, so I prayed, actually. like, said a little prayer to my higher power and was like, hey, like, take the wheel. Like, I don't know my own best interest. Like, help me out here. And that was when it just

came to me. Like, she had this really cute chain around her neck. And the chain had a loose end here. Like, it came down the middle. So I, like, picked up the chain and I, like, gently pulled her in with it. And then we, like, kissed each other. Um, it was wild. Like, in hindsight, I'm telling this story. And I'm like, that's crazy. So it's the sort of thing you would think wouldn't work and would be considered sexual harassment, but like, in this case it did. I think because I went really slow, we had already been having a conversation. And I also, I got more clear through doing work in 12-step programs where my part in things

was. Like, a lot of this fear about women had to do with, like, my upbringing, right? Like, my mom was, it was a bad household. So, like, you know, she tried her best to hold everything together, but part of that was like, I, as her oldest son was somewhat responsible for managing her emotions, right? And she was really afraid of, like, people outside the house, like, thinking that we were not the perfect Indian family, right? And so if I, if like she got upset or scared for something, it wasn't like, oh my God, I feel scared and upset right now. It was like, how could you do that? Like, you did this

thing that was wrong and you're bad. And the fact that I'm upset is a reflection of that. So I learned from a really early age to caretake women's feelings and that women were not to be held responsible for their own boundaries or like for stuff like that. And that was echoed where in college I had that experience with women where I think a lot of my friends like had a hard time saying no and didn't really want to admit it because they were scared of judgment just like all of us, you know. And so I kept getting these messages that I would focus on because it matched my already existing core belief. So in that moment, after having all that work, I was able to look at situation differently.

And I was like, look, I'm going to go for this case. She's a big girl. Like, if she doesn't want it, she's going to say no or push me away or say, get the hell away from me, motherfucker. That's cool with me, you know? Sure. And that's the kind of people I want to be around anyway or like people that I don't have to care take, like who can take care of themselves, say no to me, you know?

Yeah. Nice. And what makes all of this work other than authenticity, which I preach a lot, is just having empathy and noticing how a woman feels with you, actually reading her body language. Is she smiling or is she frowning? Is she making it easy for you to go kiss her or is her body language all turned away? So we have to, and I know you do this, but we have to be really present to how a woman is feeling, or to the best of our ability because that's telling you what you can or cannot do or what you might try. And it makes it easier to take some social risks and go for that first kiss. If she's looking at you and her eyes are really big and she's, you know, licking her lips, hey, that might be a signal. And if she's not, maybe you don't go for the kiss. So what I love about you is, is what was holding you back before in part was almost like you were being too safe in saying, oh, I'm not getting a sign

held up saying come and approach me, Ajay, right? That was a little too much safety you were looking for, but you're now like, hey, I'm still reading women, I'm still noticing how they feel, but also there are times when a man has to make a move, and that's part of dating. Yeah, that was a totally new concept for me, and that was what's helpful about this whole experience is that you were an experience of like a sane man who like was very, you know, mature, like grounded in reality. So I think your take.

some things were just fundamentally different than a lot of the feedback I was getting from my social circle before and again like it's more we're used to it now but there was definitely that period of like taking the red pill I'm not going to use that oh my god that has a terrible association in this context you know like the matrix like waking up and realizing like oh my god like the sky is blue what's up with that well now that now that you have all of these past recent and current experiences. All these approaches, quick, fun, sexy, makeouts, good dates, some love has happened, I'm told. And I know you're not right now yet with your final girlfriend, whoever she ends up being one day, but you've learned, you've taken so much of your own action.

Here's my next question. Of all the things that you hear other people having told you, things you read on Reddit, or things your other people have said to you, what's the biggest myth you now know is bullshit. What's the biggest thing? You're like, oh, those guys are wrong. Ignore that. You know, this came to me and the last thing we're just talking about. I don't know if it's the biggest, but one that's really relevant here is I had this idea that like with the whole thing with, you know, being around people that had a hard time saying no, it was like, I had this idea that if a woman really wanted it, like that she would be holding up the sign. I mean, that's an exaggeration, but basically I was expecting women to like make the first move or to make

it really easy for me or that like I would see other guys successfully flirting and take that as evidence of like no woman has ever actually wanted me, you know, except maybe, but here's the thing, Connell, like the evidence I had for this in my life is I had like, let's say two women who did make the first move with me, who did make it really easy. Like I'd been hit on before in like a therapy waiting room once. It was really sweet actually. She could tell she was nervous, but she came up and she was talking to me and she like complimented my class. And I was like, oh, my God, you must be so smart. You have the smart guy glasses.

And I was like, I got these for 4990.com. They're cheap guy glasses. You're a smart investor. You're smart with money. But, you know, so I thought like this is what I can look, expect, right? Is I don't have power in dating because talking to women is creepy. They don't want it. They don't want men to come up to them.

And what they want, if they wanted it, they would have. it because I thought that women had so much more power than they actually do like I thought that they were just these goddesses who had easy lives because they were so privileged and like could pretty much just have whatever guy they wanted if they were willing to follow a simple workout plan and this was all just my own resentments and projections and stuff is because I was so confused I was like I was on this elite wildland firefighting crew like I've been really successful my whole life I've been really physically fit I've had lots of friends even female friends. I was like, what the hell is wrong with me? And that's a hard question, right?

Because I was like, I must be so undesirable somehow. Otherwise, women would be coming up to me. And that's the myth. Like, that just doesn't happen. It wasn't until you told me that. You're like, dude, like I, dating coach Connobert, I've been approached twice. And I was like, it recontextualized those experiences I had of like, wow, I must be so attractive that two whole women like by my mid-20s have come up to me and made the first move. I've been doing this 20 freaking years, bro. By this, I mean actively, intentionally working on my dating life. Yeah.

2005 was when I said, I'm out of this relationship that wasn't working. We were both settling time to change the game. I believe I've been cold approached by two women in 20 years. Now, other women did show a lot of interest, but that was actually them reacting to my positive social cues. like I'm at a bar talking to people being really lively and Connell fucking Barrett, my higher self, then a woman might talk to me or might make it clear she wanted me to talk to her. I'm not counting those.

I'm talking straight up random woman speaking to me out of nowhere twice in 20 years. So, hey, some guys get approached maybe. Maybe they're better looking or cooler than me, but all I know is my own experience. And it sounds like you were taking what was happening to you before and saying, oh, I guess what's wrong with me? I'm not enough. And of course, we know what that creates, that shitty lower self on all the self-doubt. Yeah. Totally.

So, yeah, I would say that myth is the biggest one. Like, there's a few in there. One was like that, you know, a woman would come up to you if you were enough. Like, that's not true. I think women, they're just as messed up as us. And that's a bad way I put it, but they have their own fears. Just people? Yeah.

Flawed. Yeah. Yeah. And I never thought I'd ever find a woman that I could, like, relate. to who, like, would have struggled in dating despite being attractive and successful. But that's not true either. I met a woman like that. I met all kinds of women, you know?

That was the coolest part about doing this was, like, just developing, just like getting to have more intimate conversations with a lot of women that I wouldn't normally have those kinds of conversations with. And it just changed my entire worldview. So I realized that I'm actually not behind. I'm not as behind as I thought I was because, one, I'm only 29. I'm going to be 30 next month. And yeah, it just made, it gave me just like a space to just breathe and be all like, okay, I don't need to chase hookups.

I don't need to do all this. Like, what is it that I actually want? And I realized it's like, I want to take my time and find just a steady girlfriend, you know? Yeah. So, yeah. Well, you did something that I'm really admire. And I, I remember when I first started going to these seminars like 20 years ago, I heard some really sketchy stuff. I heard some things like guys standing on a stage, essentially the, you.

this red pill toxic women are to blame issues. One guy said, oh, you know all 80% of women, the children they have, it's not with their partner, meaning all women are sluts. So basically what he was saying. And I feel like, and I feel like you are opening these doors on Reddit or hearing, having all this stuff poured into your ears. Like, oh, women are, women are just, whatever, shallow. or they're different than us or they're the enemy or, you know, you should feel shame. And what I love about what you did, whether you had worked with me or not, as you said, I'm, I want, I think I can do better than that.

I'm going to shut that out and try something different. And I just say, I just want to say I admire you for closing those doors. That's really beautiful. Thanks, man. Yeah, so the biggest piece of advice for guys is like, if you're currently on Reddit, get off Reddit. It's a terrible place. Even the parts of Reddit that claim to be virtuous.

Like, they're just as judgmental and shitty as, like, the parts that are it. I have peaked into the dark reaches of Reddit, and I am not a fan at all, at least in the dating space. But anyway, let me turn things over to you. I want you to play dating coach. Okay. Okay. This is now your podcast for a couple minutes. I don't mean, you don't have to take total control.

But give us some dating advice. give some approaching tips. Anything that we worked on that you did that especially worked well in terms of how you approach or flirting, anything at all. Guys love to hear some practical tips. Any thoughts from what worked for Ajah? That's a good question. I mean, it's easy for me to say hiring Connell Barrett. No, no, no, no, no. But I can't say that, okay. I was not teeing you up to say that. By the way, go to datingtransformation.com to hire Connell Barrett. Okay. Back commercial. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, like, what would I actually do? If I'm talking to myself, like, five months ago, whatever it was, like, here's what I would say to him is, it's hard to distill this down to, like, moves, honestly. Okay. Because, like, that I think is beside the point. So I did, like, the RSD, like, the pickup stuff back in, like, 2016 when it was coming out and simple pickup was pretty good back then but there was something missing in that like even simple pickup which was a lot more wholesome a lot more like sane I think than what RSD and

some of the other guys were doing uh it was all these like technique things of like here's how you talk to women but I never really got in touch with like why I was doing it and what was holding me back and your program did a really good job so I would say that like do journaling exercise first like pull out a pen and a paper and write out like a few. few things. Like, one, it's like, this was a really good one. A friend made me do this before I hired you. He said, like, I want you to pull out a pen and a paper and write all women are and just fill in the blank and, like, highlight anything that you think is really judgmental or, like, potentially, like, untrue. And when I wrote this down, this isn't something I would say on

air because I don't want to offend any female listeners, but I needed to do it for me. Like, a lot of it was really, really unkind, right? Because that's just where I was at at the time. And, you But when I wrote it, I started realizing contradictions because I had female friends, right? It's like, okay, to all women except Kimberly and except for Jen, except for like, you know, all these other people, like, are this way. And it started to make me realize that I was afraid of phantoms, you know? And then the other thing is like, what else would I do? Just go out and talk to women, you know? I would say the biggest thing I did was letting go a perfectionism.

a nice big breakthrough I had was like I went to the city to San Francisco because down here it is some truth to like it's harder to meet women in this like particular tech suburb that I live in because there's not a whole lot of opportunities for random social connection and so I went to the city I rode the train up I was like walking around to do my homework which was spend 90 minutes approaching women right and it didn't go so well at first you know and I started getting in my head about like when these women would give me like middling to kind of okay like kind of responses I was like did I do something wrong well like am I messing up am I creepy like would an average guy like be able to do way better than that is what I was comparing myself to is this idea of where I should

be if I wanted to be an average good person yeah don't do that that's my advice it wasn't until I started riding my bike somewhere else to the city and processed that and I realized like look even if I really wanted to be like the perfect person, the reality is I'm not. Like, I have these very deep flaws and I have this inexperienced and there's no shortcut here, you know, like the only way to keep from being the guy you described who would be in trouble, you know, like who's not reading social cues. I would say like, for me, it wouldn't necessarily have been that I didn't want to, is that like some people just can't, like they weren't taught how to, you know?

And especially men, like, we're not conditioned to be like. like that and the only way out is to crack a few eggs frankly like go somewhere where no one will recognize you again and like make mistakes like piss off a few people if you have to like you're not doing it like intentionally but if they want to get upset like let them be upset you know and it's easier to say that than to actually do it because I feel like shit when other people get upset but like unfortunately or for better or for worse I think that's just a part of the journey that is required really to do anything Yeah, let go of perfectionism.

And the best approaches are imperfect. We want them to be committed. Here's something that hopefully resonates with you. I don't really care what you say to a woman. I want you to commit to that approach. Stand her like you belong there. Do your best. Let her hear your voice.

Let her look in your eyes. Let her deal with you in the best-intentioned way. And then the chips are going to fall somewhere. I have a brand-new client. I'll call it was higher self-name as Maverick. Because he's a pilot. He loves Top Gun, his favorite movie. Oh, cool.

Maverick. I'll call him Michael. He just did his first approach of his life yesterday at age 44. Walks up to a woman and said, hi, how are you? Wow. Michael. She's like, hi. And she smiled and had a really great conversation with him.

And hi, how are you? There's no fancy game there. That's the most basic thing in the world. Hey, you commit to it, you smile. You own the space. And women are noticing all the sub-communications that project your authentic core value you bring to people as a man. Maybe she'll be into him. Maybe she won't.

So I love imperfect openers. Like, I don't think I ever gave you this exercise, but I know I've given it to a couple other clients. So, dear listener, here's your approaching mission this week. Go up to five women this weekend. And if you're a guy who gets stuck in your head and you don't know what to say, walk up to a woman who you're very intrigued by and walk up and say, hi. I don't know what to say to you, and then tell your name. Just own the imperfection of that. And you might be surprised at the, but the vulnerability of that is what makes it so great and the honesty.

And you'll come up with something after that. I don't know what it'll be. So yeah, perfectionism. Take it from a guy who tried too many times to have the perfect witty line. Yeah. When I embraced imperfection, it was more real, more relatable. And then paradoxically, my witty, funny self would come out because I wasn't trying so hard to be perfect. Yeah, I mean, a large part of it just has to do with, like, feeling safe, you know?

Yeah. I think when people feel safe, because it is safe, we just don't always feel that way. And it's easy. That's what I mean with the breaking eggs. Like, it takes me, like, usually at least two or three, like, really awkward interactions before I get going and stuff just starts flowing naturally. Yeah. I also would say to the guys, like, man, the bar is so much lower than I thought it was. Like, I had this idea that we would have to, like, measure up to some crazy standard because women had so many options.

Because that's one of the stories people tell around here, because we're all in tech. We're obsessed with hinge, right? And, like, statistics and stuff like that. And it's total bullshit. Like, the bar is so much lower. Like, I literally had a woman tell me out of first date, and she was, like, I'm so glad you asked me out. Like, this is a great date. like I really needed to get out of my house and you know like I forget exactly the way she

worded it but she told me that I was better than most of the guys on hinge because I could quote tell a joke and and that was it because I could tell a joke and there was some other really like basic thing I was like laughing at her like oh it's so great like you're so good at compliments like I can tell one joke that's you know I'll pat I don't mind a low bar I can jump right over it. And I have a two-inch vertical leap, but if I can jump over it, I'll take it. No, exactly. It was just really like this moment of empathy where I was like, oh, yeah, like, they want the same thing. They're trying to find Mr. Wright, too. And it's like, they're just like, they're just like, be normal, just be normal, be chill, listen to me, be a person. You'd be surprised

about how far. They're not all out there expecting some Navy SEAL de Cathley who went to Harvard and like is a stand-up comic, you know, that's not, that doesn't even exist. right so yeah awesome i'll leave you the final word would you like to end with a tip or a moment that you went out there and achieved that really makes you smile or any final parting words for the guy who's listening to this the guy who's listening to this he maybe hasn't had a date in a long time maybe he wants to approach but he's afraid to maybe he just feels like uh women won't like me i'm a i'm too brown or i'm too short or i'm too fat or too something what would you say to this guy. Besides higher Connell. Besides that. I think the one that really resonates is the I'm

too brown or the I'm to insert ethnicity here. I had that too with you. Like you like self-deprecate jokes a lot on your content where it's like, oh yeah, I'm a nerdy ginger. But I didn't see you that way. I was like, this guy's just pretending. He's a fake cell. For people who don't know what that is, there's on the in-cell dark corners of the web, they accuse people who they think are too attractive to be fake cells like oh you're not actually an in cell you just have low self-esteem you know okay spoil it there's no such thing as a real it's you're all fake cells i was wait so define fake cell again for those who don't know the term so like uh what an in cell is somebody who like well this is what they believe right it's like who's so ugly or like genetically

like ungifted that there's no hope in ever of them ever like getting what they want with the opposite sex, right? And the frustration is that like when people would come onto their site and say like, let's say, oh, I'm an airline pilot and I'm struggling with women. I'm an in-cell. They'd be like, you can't be an insult. You're a fake cell, you know? Like, you're just not doing the work. Right. And so I have a friend who teases me about this all the time. But I tell my dating success, he's like, dude, you're a fake cell, man. So that's what I would say is that there's no such thing as that like I learned that I mean I do want to give big compassion to like there was that huge part to me that internalized so much racism growing up that like I genuinely did believe this

that like because I'm brown because I'm India and like I'm not worth as much as other people and especially in dating like I'm not going to get attention from women or if I do it's not going to be because they're attracted to me it's because I have I don't know money or something I don't actually have money I'm an outdoor dirt bag but you know like I thought it would be like something like that. And it's just not true. Like, I realize other people are not thinking that way. Most people have never even heard of an in cell, like in their lives. Like, most people don't, are not as mean to me as I am to myself. And so, I mean, that was my biggest takeaway is, like, don't give up. Like, you're not broken. Yeah. So your old belief was, your, your,

your heritage is it Indian? Yeah. So you have Indian heritage. Your old belief was, oh, I'm not worth anything to women because I'm Indian in a fairly white country, something like that, right? Yes, exactly. And what shift or changes did you see and feel and how you feel about yourself now relating to your race and attractiveness? I guess I see myself as like, yeah, I'm a flawed person. And I also have such self-respect and offer myself because I know, like, the stuff I've crawled through through my life, you know?

Yeah. And I also know that it's BS. like women are it was helpful getting a lot of positive feedback from a lot of women that I was really attracted to you know yeah just and it's not like that's just like a cure i mean but it's more that when that shame and stuff comes up i know where it's coming from and I know how to deal with it i don't take it at face value or believe it's lies so yeah right but i think didn't i tell you on our first couple of calls that the very first coach i ever had in person is Indian?

Really? Maybe it wasn't you. So I have quite a handful of Middle Eastern slash Indian heritage clients. So I must have told somebody else. But the first chapter of my book opens with this story about me approaching women, first night ever, 38 years old.

I'd never done it before. My coach was a guy who went by the name Ryan. It's not his real name. I won't give his real name. He's out of this world completely. But he went by Ryan at the time. And Indian guy, American raised, but Indian heritage, very brown.

And he even talked about this limiting belief he had about, oh, women won't want me because I'm just a brown five-foot-eight guy, right? And Ryan arguably was the best I ever saw in terms of approaching and just using wizard moves of just like being hypnotically attractive to a lot of women. And to me, not that my issue wasn't my skin color, because I'm a white ginger dude, but I still have my own limiting beliefs. And I was like, wow, if he can break through that, then who knows what I can do? And so seeing a guy like you approach women all different colors and shapes and sizes,

I assume, ethnicities, having you have that realization feels great to me. That's the thing about limiting beliefs is we can tell ourselves this bullshit, but it's not until we get the hard evidence, the proof where we're like, oh, now I know it's nonsense. but that's why we have to go out and take action which you've done yeah it certainly helps i mean it's like that spiritual paradox of like yes we could all just be the buddha and like you know just be totally enlightened but it's a way easier to do that if you have like certain things like food and water or like self-worth you know like it's theoretically possible because it is unconditional it has to be unconditional by nature but the crutches do kind of help like

having people that like me like say good things about me stuff like that right so yeah awesome all right aj you the greatest man i wish i had so many more clients just like you um you do the most important thing if i boiled everything down to i teach that i teach into one sentence it would be take courageous authentic action while respecting the women you talk to and you've done that dozens of times and look where you are now and you know what there's a lot of great things still to come like whoever the one ends up being or the next one in your case. So I'm here for you. Okay, bro. Thank you, Cottle. I appreciate it. Take it easy, man. Thanks for being here. All right. That ends today's episode. I hope you enjoyed that. And again, not to market at you guys too much,

but if you would like to have the kind of dating success that my man, Ajay had, you can book a free call with me. Just go to datingtransformation.com. And I'll get on the phone. I'll tell stupid jokes to you and then I'll tell you how my coaching works and we'll figure out if we want to work together. It's a free call. All right. Otherwise, keep listening. Thank you for letting me be your podcast, dating coach. And until next time, later.