How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How NOT to Be Creepy: The 7 Mistakes Men Make that Creep Women Out

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

You want to meet wonderful women, make some moves, and get those sparks flying, right? But what if you do or say something creepy, and she rejects you? That would hurt. No one wants to feel like a creep. Here’s some help. In this episode, dating coach Connell Barrett counts downThe top 7 things that men do that make women go “Eww!” Are you making any of these common, creepy mistakes? Listen now to find out, fix it, and start dating some wonderful women.FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"There's a time to be persistent, but when a woman isn't interested, graciously move on." - Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite:https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction03:42 - Navigating the Perception of Creepiness with Composure06:43 - Truth vs. Fiction: Struggles with Deceit and Discomfort07:23 - Shedding the Mask for Lasting Connections04:09 - Gratitude shift: "Not me, the friendly guy over there"09:51 - Impact of potato chip consumption on pickup artist success12:33 - Addressing inappropriate touching and respect15:49 - Pitfalls of objectifying women with body comments18:14 - Spooky first date objectification story20:42 - The Threefold Approach of Persistence, Charm, and Empathy23:29 - Importance of honesty and avoiding manipulation24:32 - Emphasizing honesty in dating and daily life25:19 - OutroProduced by Heartcastmedia

I told her that I once swam with sharks. I never swam with sharks. I'm afraid to watch Jaws. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence,

and attract an amazing girlfriend, all by being authentic. And I'll bet you do not want to come across as creepy. I'll bet you would love to approach women or ask out that really cute girl at your gym, or on your next first date, make a really confident and bold move but something stops you and that something is the dreaded fear of seeming creepy well i am going to give you seven of the creepiest things that men do so that you can make sure you're not doing any of them which you're probably not but you never know you might be

doing number six or number three and please tell me you're not doing number one I'm gonna count down the top seven creepiest things men do in dating and i just want you to know what not to do i also want you to understand that what you think is creepy might not be nearly as creepy and certain things that you think are not creepy are actually creepy as fudge so here we go here is how to not be creepy. Going from number seven to number one, counting them down. Number seven, staring at a woman, but not talking to her, not approaching her. Seeing a woman out in the world and not approaching. Here's a story I have that was one of the biggest aha moments I ever had in dating. I was at a rooftop bar with my then wingman way back in the late 00s and he said go over

that table sit down and talk to those two girls with that guy there. I look over and I see a really cute brunette, a blonde, and a big muscly dude sitting at a table. This is at the Gansevoort Hotel, rooftop bar, circa 2009. And I thought, oh, goddammit, that's going to be tough. I'm going to be creepy. I'm going to be bothering them. The guy's probably going to want to kick my ass or at least get pretty annoyed with me. But I'd made a decision. I'm going to do whatever my wingman told me to that night. We were taking turns giving each other fun little exercises. So I walked over and I sat down and I committed to a really good committed approach. And I said, hey guys, what's up i'm connell actually it was probably like this hey guys hi i'm connell i was probably i was so nervous it was probably more like that

anyway i walk over i sit down and it's the three of them and it's one open chair so i sit in the chair and i say hey guys what's up how's your night going the brunette short hair really cute stylish adorable big eyes and she leaned across the table or leaned halfway across the table and she said oh my god do you know what you just did and I said what she said oh no I'm sorry I screwed that up she said oh my god do you know what you are? And I thought to myself, a guy who's about to get his ass kicked by your boyfriend, maybe a creep. But I kept my cool. And I said, I don't know, what am I? And she said, you're normal. You just came over here and just came over and talked to us and and thank you that's normal thank you for doing that then she pointed over to

this other table another guy a ginger by the way so I I could connect with that she pointed to this other guy and said see that guy over there he's been staring at us all night and it's creeping us out. So what was creepy to them was not me approaching their table and sitting down and having a conversation. It was the guy who was staring at them, but he was too afraid to come over. And no wonder, right? There was a big muscly guy there. By the way, that big guy, he was really chill, really cool, friendly. He was not even dating either of them. In fact, I got the brunette's phone number. And that was a big aha moment for me. And I thought, you know, is it a little bit kind of, is it a little bit unusual to approach a woman and just shoot your shot yeah I suppose it is unusual but is it creepy hell no you know what's creepy

is staring at a woman wanting to go talk to her but just staring and doing nothing instead that is much creepier okay number six the sixth creepiest thing that men do, I'm just telling you so you don't do it, guys. I'm not saying you're doing it. I'm saying don't be like this guy. Number six is hiding who you are, being fake, specifically pretending like you are somebody

you're not in attempts to impress a woman. Here's another story. Oh my God. These stories are so funny and sometimes painful, mostly funny. I was madly, well, not in love. I had a big crush on a woman I'll call Laura. And Laura was basically, oh man, I was super into her. She, beautiful blonde, very intelligent, really witty, quick, quick great banter I love bantery witty women and I had a massive crush on Laura way back in the day so I had a first date with her and I thought to myself you know what I'm just not what she wants so I'm gonna be who i think she wants me to be she was all into adventure like hiking and mountain climbing and all this stuff so on the date uh second date

i think yeah second date we our first date was an activity date so we didn't get to know each other all that well on the second date we're kind of talking about each other's likes and interests and i start lying through my teeth hiding who i am and trying to put this to this impersonation of the guy i thought she wanted to date so i said to her that i'm into um oh i said i went skydiving I said I was I told her that I once swam with sharks I never swam with sharks I'm afraid to watch Jaws let alone swim with swim with sharks and by the way when I lie I am so bad at lying that I get nervous I get stressed out I start. So all of a sudden my forehead starts dripping as I'm telling her these tall tales. And I don't know exactly if she thought

I was full of shit or if she just could tell something was off. But basically she did not want to see me again. So hiding who you are, being fake is even if she doesn't find out, it's a losing game. You can't keep it up. And you're probably just going to do what I did, which was get all nervous, get in my head, start sweating and make a really bad impression. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm,

and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends.

So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self. So you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact.

And grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. So the solution to this, of course, is become authentic. Really lean into who you are i'm not a swimming with sharks guy i'm not an adventurer i hate hiking i hate hiking with the white hot passion i would rather i would rather stick needles in my eyes and go hiking uh and she could probably sense that i was telling her what she wanted to hear so anyway anyway, don't hide who you are. Be authentic. Be genuine. Because a woman who likes your type,

she's going to like your type because of the value, the authentic worth and value you have to bring to her life, not because you like her same interests or are impersonating some guy you think she wants. Okay, how not to be creepy. The fifth creepiest thing that guys do is, oh my God, this is still such a problem, PUA moves, being some fake pickup artist, some fake alpha male, saying the cool, cocky nags, making her chase you with push, push, pulls, and nags, and takeaways, and all this pickup bullshit. There's so many awful coaches out there. Good intentions sometimes, but terrible coaches terrible coaches and basically they teach guys to do all the pickup artist thing and the whole pickup artist thing is a losing game and it's creepy you know why it's creepy because it's very ego-based it's all about sex with most of these

guys it's all about get laid it's all all about lay ratios. One of my coaches used to use the term lay ratio. Hey, what's your lay ratio? I'm like, what's that? The number of potato chips I eat in the night, it's pretty damn high, my lay ratio. And so the whole PUA thing, you can probably see why it works though. If you walk up to a woman and you have a cocky, cool, witty, rehearsed, scripted line, and you can pass it off as something more or less genuine and natural, then that can work for a few minutes. It might even get you through a date.

But man, it's hard to keep that up. And it's freaking creepy. It is so creepy to do the pickup thing. I think the core reason why the pickup artist thing is so creepy, it's for two reasons. One is it's very selfish. It's about using women to get sex or to get validation without the intention of giving something back and helping a woman enjoy her life and her dating life. And it's also creepy because again, it's wearing that mask, that pickup artist mask. So if you are watching YouTube content from certain YouTubers who are pickup dudes. Or if you're reading stuff, pickup artist books, you do you, bro. But it's a losing game and it's really creepy. And most women can sniff that out. So I'm not a big... Don't get me

wrong. I worked with pickup guys back in the day. Some of them taught me some really cool mechanics and techniques. But boy boy the intention was awful the intention was sex what's in it for me uh notch a notch in my bed post and that is super creepy okay the fourth creepiest thing that men do that you must make sure you don't do and actually this one you might accidentally do sometimes. Number four is weird touching. Weird touching. What is weird touching? Well, it depends on the situation. Weird touching is to touch a woman in a way that's miscalibrated, that doesn't make sense to her. It has no purpose. I have a client who came to me and on our very first enrollment type call, he talked about a woman who basically blew him off.

And I said, why? What did she did she give you a reason? And he basically said, well, on our first date, I put my hand on her thigh and I left it there. And I was squeezing it for. And I said, for how long long he said about four minutes like no no weird touching here's my simplest definition of weird touching weird touching is touching that has no purpose or touching this that is not an extension of your expression so weird touching is you just put your hand on on her back and leave it there before you two have

even become a couple I might do that with my girlfriend but on a date or an approach where you just met her just the dead fish hand of death, that is weird touching. Weird touching is anything where you're touching her face, having not had that kind of consent and physical touching intimacy up to that point. Weird touching is, well, putting your hand on her knee or her thigh for four minutes and doing a weird squeezing move. Here's a simple tip on how to touch the right way. Have a reason for the touch. Make physical expression part of your natural, authentic expression. Right now, I know you can't see me, but right now I'm moving my hands.

If I was having this conversation with somebody in person male or female i might touch them on the shoulder i might tap them on the arm if i'm on a date with a woman i might tap her quickly lightly on the thigh i might high five her because i'm expressing myself uh some examples of good or potentially good uh non-weird touching would be a high five. It would be inspecting her jewelry, taking her hand briefly, not for too long, but for a few seconds. Maybe you're on a first date, you're 45 minutes in, she's gotten comfortable with you being in her presence. You might look at her bracelet and take her hand temporarily and say, oh, this is a cool bracelet. Is this jade? Now you've broken the touch barrier. And what makes it not weird is you had a reason for it.

You wanted to inspect her jewelry as opposed to just touching her hand and holding hands way too soon, way before there was a romantic connection. I was on a date once when, I mean, you can manufacture ways to be physically expressive. I'm cool with that. I'm ethically okay with that. I remember I was on a date once with a personal trainer, a woman who's a personal trainer. And we were talking about working out and training. And, you know, I said, come on, make a muscle. Let me see what you got. She made a muscle. You know, I'm touching her muscles. She's touching mine. She had bigger muscles than me because I've got very few muscles. I've got no muscles to speak of there's an amber alert out for my muscles so have a reason for the touch otherwise it can be very weird okay how not to be creepy the third creepiest thing that men do on dates or when talking to women they just met is objectifying them just for their bodies or their looks. This is the cat caller. This is the

guy who just looks at a woman, looks at her breasts, looks at her ass, and just says, yeah, you're looking good, as his opener. As his opener. You can say that two hours into a date when the two of you have already had some rapport and some genuine emotional connection. But if you're approaching with that kind of thing, that is really creepy. So objectifying a woman just for her body, her physical features is super creepy. And the main issue here or the problem that arises here is there's a lot of bad advice out there that says you know be sexual um be be flirtatious i like to say be man to woman that's one of my buzzwords but the sometimes people misinterpret what quote unquote man to woman communication is man to woman communication is simply you expressing your authentic masculine side with a woman in a social frame that makes you both feel like

he's treating me like a woman i'm he's a man ah i feel feminine I feel my natural feminine self with him and a lot of it is about just good playful light emotions it does not necessarily mean objectifying a woman or I should say it never means that but you don't want to just look at a woman and say hey

you're hot your body part insert body part here looks amazing before you do that you want to make sure you have a real genuine rapport with the woman and some kind of emotional spark so again I'm not saying it's oh I'm not saying you can never enjoy a woman's body part I am obsessed in the healthiest way with my girlfriend's but I'll just say it I'll just say it I am the in the healthiest way with my girlfriend's butt. I'll just say it.

I'll just say it. I am the biggest fan of her booty. But you know what I did not say on our first date? I didn't say, hey, your ass is amazing. Because that would be creepy. That would be creepy. Yeah, anything referring to a woman's body part is pretty super creepy i had a date once this was my last date before the pandemic that's how i remember it it was like the last date before everything changed and i asked this woman a favorite first date question i have because

i like to ask what are some crazy first date stories you have? And she said that one guy showed up on a first date. He sat down across from her. And one of the first things out of his mouth was, so what shape are your areolas? What shape are your nipples? And he was not making a joke. She said, what? He said, yeah, what shape are they?

Are they bigger or smaller than a silver dollar? Because I want a woman with really big areolas. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love.

He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates, become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

That is one of the creepiest first date stories I've ever heard. That's being creepy because it's objectifying her and it's just being so hyper specifically weird that man he that date was over in her mind before it had even begun by the way if you're wondering my areolas are the size of dimes okay number two the second creepiest thing that men do that you should not do is persisting after she says no. This should be a no brainer, but I'm going to say it anyway. No means no. Some again, this is so not you. You the man listening to this pod if you vibe with me this is not you but just in case somebody else is listening no means no no means no so I have no problem with the guy taking your romantic risk in

fact we have to do that as men we've got to be persistent I'm sorry we've got to take risks and there's a way to be persistent. There's a time to be persistent. But when a woman gives you clear evidence that she is not interested in dating you, then you stop and you say, it was nice meeting you. Or you don't even message her. You just disappear from her dating profile. You take no for an answer. And yeah so here's the thing there's a sweet spot we want you don't you don't want to be the guy who hears no and persists i don't think that's you but just fyi at the same time you don't want to be the guy who gets one little bit of pushback or let's call it an obstacle and then gives up. For example, let's say you send a text. Let's say you send an opener to a woman on Hinge who you matched with. She does

not answer that opener. That does not mean you're ghosted. You may send her a second message. As long as it's charming, as long as you're trying your best to flirt or to make her smile to give her something good being authentic uh that is not being creepy that is being persistent especially if you're using charm so the secret here is persistence plus charm plus empathy persistence plus charm plus empathy that's the magical formula here. If a woman says, maybe, hey, do you want to go for a drink sometime? Oh, I don't know. Maybe. Persistence plus charm and empathy.

If you say, hey, want to go for a drink sometime? Oh, no thanks. I have a boyfriend. Then you're done. Thank you. Okay, no worries. He's a lucky guy. Have a great rest of your life.

No worries. But yeah, don't be those persistent guys who don't take no for an answer. And the number one creepiest thing that men do, my number one tip for how not to be creepy is lying. Lying. Bullshitting. Prevaricating. Being mendacious. Don't lie.

Never, never lie. Tell the truth. I don't mind being truthy, to quote Stephen Colbert. It's okay to embellish a little bit, but never lie. And the few times, or there have been one or two times back in the day when I got caught in a lie. And know what it did not feel good so yeah don't lie about your height on a dating profile all right you know what I'll give you an inch I'll give you an inch maybe one and a half but don't lie about your height

don't lie about who you are through photos that are 15 years old. Don't tell a woman you have XYZ job when you don't have that job. Be honest, be genuine, be authentic. And if you're you want to ask yourself if you are somebody who's lied, by the way, I told that story earlier in this episode about me lying through my teeth. I'm embarrassed by that. I'm actually embarrassed by that story. I hate that I did that. When I told her that, oh, I've been, oh, I told back to that story, I told that woman, Laura, oh yeah, I'm training to be a pilot. I'm taking flying lessons. Complete bullshit. That came from a low place. But really, I was trying to manipulate her. Not actively. I wasn't like, mwahaha,

must manipulate her. But basically, I felt like I wasn't enough. So I had to be somebody I'm not. But anytime a guy lies to a woman, he's basically trying to manipulate her. And that is gross. And I regret it. And don't be like me. It's my advice. I've made all the mistakes, so you don't have to. So no lying. It's so much easier to just tell the truth. Tell the truth. Say the real thing. Say the true thing. One of the best tips I got from one of my first coaches, a guy who went by the name Ryan. It's not his real name. But Ryan had this great little buzzword. He said, when in doubt, speak the deepest truth to that woman. Deepest, most honest, true thing. I love that. Yeah. Speak a deep, true thing. Maybe it's a

vulnerable thing. Maybe it's an honest thing. Maybe it's a secret. Maybe it's a flirty thing where you just really want to tell her how incredible she is. Yeah. Tell the truth. Be honest and don't lie. Don't be a Pinocchio. Yeah, that's probably the number one thing, or at least it's the number one most prevalent thing. But, you know, everybody, not everybody, but almost everybody lies, embellishes, shades the truth to some extent with dating. But yeah, tell the truth and you'll be in a good place.

Okay, that is the How not to be creepy episode. Those are the top seven creepiest things that other men, not you, do. Let's not be like those guys. All right, until the next episode, see you next time. And remember, your dream girlfriend, she's out there. She already likes you. She just has to meet the real you. Talk soon.

Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media.