How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Attract Your Dream Girlfriend by Dating with Radical Authenticity—Part 1 of a Special Series

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

Do you want a great relationship with a wonderful woman, but you struggle with flirting and dating? It can make you feel frustrated, lonely and low in confidence. Let’s change that! Introducing the new How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast, which launches this week with a 5-part series about how to attract your soulmate. In this first episode, dating coach and author Connell Barrett shares his groundbreaking dating philosophy—Radical Authenticity—to help you confidently flirt, get dates, and find love. Your dream girlfriend is out there, and she wants to meet the authentic you. Listen now!In this episode, Connell will tell you:(4:45) What Women REALLY Want in Men(6:00) The Moment He Learned How to Approach and Attract Women(10:30) How Connell “Stole” His Girl Away from 3 Charismatic Wall Street Bros(12:45) How He Moved in for the First Kiss(16:25) Why Radical Authenticity Is So Powerful to Women(20:04) The Real Reason Men Struggle with Low Confidence(24:24) Jaw-Dropping Success Story: How Connell’s Client Nick Escaped the Friend Zone(30:30) How Connell Bounced Back After His Wife Left Him(40:45) The Secret that Made Women Start Chasing Connell(44:30) The 5 Benefits of Dating with Radical Authenticity(52:00) The 5 Pillars of Radical Authenticity(56:00) The 2 Missions Connell Wants You Do To Today(59:25) How to Get Your Free Copy of His No. 1 Bestselling Book, “Dating Sucks but You Don’t”Quotes"Authenticity unlocks a paradox: Embrace your worth, speak freely, and let the right words effortlessly flow." - Connell Barnett"Embrace fear, take courageous actions, especially when approaching women. Courage is the antidote to fear in life." - Connell BarnettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation Website:https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO CONFIDENTLY FLIRT WITH WOMEN BY BEING AUTHENTIC (NO SKETCHY PICKUP MOVES NEEDED):http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” 30 CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30

I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned a condo there. Welcome to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach and author, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women and attract your dream girlfriend all by being authentic. No toxic pickup tricks needed. Thank you so much for being here, especially when you have, oh, I don't know,

seven billion podcasts to choose from. It means a lot to me that you're here. And think of this perhaps less of a podcast and more like a dating coach session with me as your coach and you as a guy who wants to get a great girlfriend, but you've got some problems that are in the way. I'm going to help you fix those problems and attract a wonderful woman into your life. In this episode, which is the first in a week-long

series intended to help you get a great girlfriend, I'm going to give you three valuable things today. First, I'm going to reveal what women want. Second, I'm going to give you three valuable things today. First, I'm going to reveal what women want. Second, I'm going to give you a whole new dating philosophy that's going to make you feel much more confident and make you much more attractive to women. And third, I'm going to give you some practical in real life missions that are going to put you on the path to getting more dates and finding your dream girlfriend.

And please stick around until the very end of the episode, because at the end of the episode, I'm going to tell you exactly how to instantly get a free copy of my book. I wrote a dating book, bestselling book, called Dating Sucks, But You Don't. It's a dating guide for men. And at the very end of the episode, I'm going to give you a free copy if you want one, and I'll tell you how to do that right at the end. Okay, I got a couple questions for you. Do any of these dating frustrations resonate with you? Are you not sure how to flirt and connect with women, and maybe you run out of things to say? Or do women sometimes banish you to the friend zone, the dreaded friend zone? Or maybe you want to approach some beautiful

women out in the real world, like at the gym or at your favorite bar, but something holds you back. Or maybe the dating apps just aren't working for you. Not getting good matches, not getting good dates. Or perhaps you fear that women who you're into, really beautiful, attractive, intelligent women, maybe you just feel like that they're out of your league and that you're not enough for them, not in their league. Well, if any of those frustrations sound familiar, I totally get it. I had all of those issues myself once upon a time. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned a condo there.

I was a friend zone real estate magnate. And I think that it's just plain wrong when a good guy like you or me back in the day is lonely and struggling with self-confidence. It just shouldn't be this way. It shouldn't be this way. So the really good news, though, is that you can change this once you understand what women want. And this podcast is going to teach you everything about what women want and everything you need to land a great girlfriend and do it as your most confident real self. No toxic, weird, manosphere, pickup artist BS. So here's what you're going to learn starting today and going forward all the rest of this week and beyond if you stick around. You're going to learn how to land your dream girlfriend even if you're not tall or you're not rich or you're not great looking or even if you're an introvert like me.

You're going to learn how to become confident as the awesome real guy who you already are. Even if you're a nerd or a dork like I am. I'm a self-professed dork, a card-carrying nerd. You're also going to learn how to flirt and never run out of things to say and also escape the friend zone. You're also going to, if you want to, a lot of guys want to do this, you're going to learn how to approach women in a way that's charming, that's not creepy. It's charming, it's genuine, and get numbers and dates. And you're also going to learn how to get more quality matches on the dating apps, how to get more women out on dates,

and how to stop getting ghosted on the apps. And you'll be able to do all of this as a gentleman, a good, solid dude who respects women. Zero pickup artist nonsense. And then one day in the near future, you're going to wake up next to your dream girlfriend. And you're going to look at her and think, oh my gosh, I've got my lover.

I've got my best friend. I can't believe this is my dating life. I can't believe this woman is in my life. I feel so much more complete now. So that's the payoff coming your way soon with me as your coach here on this podcast. Okay, big question. A seismic, cosmic question. What do women want? It's one of those powerful, profound questions that people have been asking themselves for eons. Right up there with, are we alone in the universe? And do dogs name their owners? I wonder. And you might think that what women want is all about looks or height or money,

but those things don't really matter. They're kind of like jacuzzis. They're nice to have, but they're way overrated. So what do women want? The answer comes down to one word, authenticity. Be who you truly are at your core because women like you for you. Lean in to being that nice guy or the brainy introvert or a divorced dad and take action with courage. Take action from that authentic place. Take some romantic actions. If you embrace authenticity in your love life in the ways I'm going to teach you here on the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast, your confidence is going to skyrocket, you're going to get more dates, and soon you're going to have that girlfriend who you want. So let me elaborate

on the power of authenticity, and I want to do it with a quick story. I want to tell you about the most important night of my dating life. It was the first night I ever went out to approach women, and it's a night that changed my life forever. And if you apply the concepts I'm about to share with you, your life can change in the same way. It was a Friday night in New York City, way back in 2009, and I was on a rooftop bar. And this wavy-haired investment banker was stealing my girl right in front of me, and she was letting him. Now today, as a dating coach, I can handle this sort of situation. But when it happened 15 years ago, I panicked.

And it had already been, up to then, it had been a great July night in New York City. The rooftop lounge was in the shadow of the Empire State Building. It was hopping, it was busy, lots of people, music playing, and I was totally connecting and hitting it off with Kelly. Kelly is a witty actress with beautiful blue eyes. I'd approached her about an hour before, and we had a really easy chemistry.

Our conversation went deeper than just bar banter. We were being really real with each other. I remember telling her my childhood nickname. I was chubby. I was a fat little kid. They called me Mack Truck in grade school. She opened up and shared with me her nickname. She developed late in life. She was flat chested and her friends called her mosquito bites. So we were being really vulnerable, really open with each other, really hitting it off. Now we hadn't kissed yet, but it just felt like it was a matter of time. Now, Kelly knew that at the time I was a magazine journalist out that night with my friend. What she didn't know was that my friend, quote unquote, was a renowned dating coach and that I was part of an approaching boot camp he was running. She didn't know that I was out that

night to talk to a lot of women. She was one of them. She also didn't know that before that evening, I had never once approached a woman cold. I had never approached a woman in my life. She also didn't know that earlier that night, I had so much anxiety about approaching women for the very first time that before I even talked to any women that night, I had to go into the men's room stall and I had a panic attack. I started hyperventilating and getting the dry heaves because I was just filled with so much anxiety. I was so afraid of rejection. So why did I pay $3,000 to a dating guru to help me go approach women at the age of 38? Well, because I was just done at that point in my life. I was done hearing, let's just be friends from girls. I was done feeling lonely.

I was done seeing gorgeous girls in bars and cafes at the gym and just feeling too frozen to go talk to them. I was done watching cooler guys with women who I just ached to date but never did, I was done paying escorts for sex. I was done feeling like half a man. I was done feeling rejected by women. I was just plain done. So that's why I was there.

And so it was really thrilling to be vibing with Kelly that night, the coolest, prettiest girl on the rooftop bar in my book. And so we're talking, and here's the moment of truth that happened. I said, hey, I'm gonna go get us more drinks. When I came back from the bar with our vodka sodas, she was surrounded by these three Wall Street bros. And this handsome, wavy-haired guy in the middle

had her twirling her blonde hair and giggling. Now, I had assumed that since I had returned with our drinks, Kelly and I would pick up where we left off. I was very wrong. I say, here's your drink, and she took the drink without breaking eye contact with wavy hair. She was ignoring me and talking to him now. Minutes ago, I had been her date. Now I was her waiter. So I feebly say to her, um, maybe we should go downstairs. She ignored me. And then wavy hairs, two wingmen closed the circle and basically turned their backs to me and literally boxed me out of being able to talk to her. And I felt so defeated. My shoulders slumped because all my

adult life, charismatic, cool, richer guys like this dated the kinds of women I wanted to be with. And now this finance bro was stealing the one rare girl who liked me. So I find my coach. He's standing over at the bar, and I fill him in on the situation. Now I had read in online forums about how to handle these so-called AMOG, A-M-O-G. You might know that term, the socially dominant alpha male of the group. So I go to my coach and I say, hey, what's my move? Do I talk to other women? Do I try to mess up with, mess his confidence up with a really perfect barb or insult? Do I give him a knuckle sandwich? What do I do?

And my coach just looked at me and said, just go take her away from him. And I said, what do you mean? I was wiping sweat off my forehead. He said, well, she was with you, and you guys were hitting it off, right? I said, yeah. He said, she likes you, but she wants to see if you're going to go after what you want. And then he said, approaching women in a bar, it's like survival of the fittest. And she's leaving tonight. She's leaving this bar tonight with either you or

him. Who's it going to be, Connell? And I said, I want it to be me. And he said something I'll never forget. He said, assert your ideal outcome. What do you want to have happen? And then he said, if your girlfriend, if she was your girlfriend, let's imagine she was your girlfriend. If she was flirting with some other guy, your girlfriend, would you just give up? He asked me. I said, fuck no. And I could feel something inside of me start to stir. I said, no, I wouldn't. I'd march over there and stop it. So he said, go take her back. And I said, what do I say, though? He said, don't overthink it. Don't worry about what to say. Just speak your deepest truth. Another thing I remember from that night, speak your deepest truth, he said. So I said, all right, here I go.

So with my adrenaline flowing, I beeline back toward Kelly. And I break into that circle. And I take her by the hand. And I command, come with me now. And I half pull her away from them. And she said, bye, guys, as I sort of half yanked her away from these guys. And I take her over. And I sit down with her

at this nearby bench. And we're only 10 feet away now from these guys, but the investment wankers did not follow us. I was in charge now. And I wasn't sure what to say, but I heard that little voice saying, speak your deepest truth. And then the right words came to me.

I said, hey, I really like you. You're smart. You're sexy. But it's not cool to talk to other guys in front of me and try to make me jealous. Now, I expected her to basically splash me in the face with her kettle one. But she leaned in closer. And she starts twirling a tendril of her hair and she's biting her lower lip. And I realized, holy shit, this is turning her on. And she said, you just yanked me away from those guys like you own me. But she said it with a hint of a smile. And I realized it was another test. She wanted to see if I was going to apologize for my bold move, but I didn't back down. I'd actually never felt so confident or so strong or so authentically awesomely me, at least not in the area of women. And I said to her,

look, I don't own you. I barely know you, but I want to get to know you better. And when I want something, I go after it. And I want you. Until that moment, I had never in my 38 years made a woman swoon, but she swooned. I leaned in, she leaned in, met me halfway, and we kissed for the first time. And we were together for the rest of the night, which ended at my apartment. She spent the night. Now the next morning I'm in bed and I'm staring at her in awe as this beautiful girl sleeps in my bed. I actually lightly poked her on the shoulder a couple of times just to make sure she was really there. And this wasn't a dream sequence like from a movie because I'd never had somebody this beautiful in my bed before. And I'd certainly never walked up to a beautiful woman and talked to her and took her home before, ever. So I felt

fantastic. I also felt unsteady. Because I'd always thought that I was this introverted dork who had to settle for less in his love life. But now I was asking new questions. I was asking myself questions like, can you really just walk up to women, be yourself, and they'll be into you? I asked myself the question, if this is possible, what else might be possible with women, with dating? Hell, with life in general. And Kelly kind of shifted her position in my bed,

in her sleep, and she threw her long, sexy, tan leg over mine. And as it turns out, a lot more is possible. Okay, so don't worry. The point of that story is not you're going to have to go out and confront a bunch of Wall Street bros to bring a woman into your life. That's very likely never going to have to happen. My story was just meant to illustrate some of the essential values like courage, taking action,

telling the truth that will improve your romantic fortunes and help you get a great girlfriend. And these features make up a dating philosophy that I created that I call radical authenticity. Radical authenticity, it means being fully grounded in who you are at your core, your deepest, truest, most awesome self, and then putting that amazing guy in charge of your love life. It means speaking honest thoughts and taking courageous action, all while leaning into what makes you distinctly you. It's about being real, raw, vulnerable, but also doing it with respect for women, with genuine good intentions. Bottom line is, your mom was right all along. Girls like you for you, so be yourself. Radical authenticity is this powerful attraction switch that you can flip that unlocks confidence

and is absolutely going to help you meet and deeply connect with your future girlfriend, and I'm going to help you do it on this podcast. Okay, let's take a really quick break. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you,

and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped. Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book,

Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com,

book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Okay, we're back. So why did Kelly choose me that night instead of a rich, handsome Wall Street guy? Well, because the courage and the authenticity I showed elevated me in her eyes above my competition. I stood out. I was the 1% man, top 1%. Now, a few days after that evening, I was telling this story to a good friend. And my friend said, gosh, that doesn't sound anything like you.

And actually, when I told Kelly, I want you, and I'm a man who goes after what I want, when I said that to her, I had never felt more like me. The insecure, self-doubting dweeb who I had been presenting to women, that guy was the imposter. The candid, confident guy who Kelly met, that was the real me or the best me anyway. And while this guy was new to dating and new to approaching girls, that confident guy inside of me, he had been a regular fixture in other areas of my life. I was doing great in other, I had a really well-rounded life. I'll bet you do too. If you're listening to this podcast still, I'll bet that you have a really good, well-rounded life, but the dating piece is that one missing puzzle piece.

And just like you, at the time, I had a great journalism job. I had a fantastic circle of friends. I could break 80 on the golf course. In these other areas of life, I was a man of mastery. But ask me to go approach a girl, and I morphed into this jittery, armpit-stained loser who would quake in the presence of this mysterious species called the female. So why the dichotomy? Why was I Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from Girls? Well, as my 20 years now

studying dating success has shown me, it's because you, me, everyone, we all have dual selves. We have what I call the higher self and the lower self. Your higher self is the hero of your life. In any arena of life that brings you joy and fulfillment and confidence and you feeling like you're in the zone, that's your higher self. He's you operating at full potential. So the job you love or the biceps you've sculpted or the great kid that you're raising, it's that superhero inside of you who's or the great kid that you're raising. It's that superhero inside of you who's running the show in that part of life. But every hero has to face their

arch villain, right? Luke Skywalker had to face Darth Vader. Harry Potter had to battle Voldemort. And think of your dating life like you're a hero on a hero's journey, but you have an enemy, a bad guy. And that enemy, that villain is the lower self. This is the fearful, doubtful part of you who's fucking up your love life. It's the voice that whispers to you, don't approach her. She's out of your league. It's the little voice that tells you, oh, you're too short. You're too nerdy. You're too boring. She wants somebody cooler, better than you. It's that lower self who is hurting your confidence and hurting your dating success. So pretty much all of your dating problems are the fault of your lower self. So again, higher self is you at your best. Lower self is you at

your most self-doubtful. And I like to use Star Wars analogies a lot because I'm a big Star Wars nerd. I've seen every Star Wars movie many, many, many times. And I love the original trilogy because our hero, Luke Skywalker, learns that he had Jedi powers all along. He just had to channel them. So think of your higher self, that's the Jedi within you. And authenticity is to dating as the force is to Luke Skywalker. It's inside of you and you can channel it to achieve great things. But we can't forget who the bad guy is though, because there's a real power in understanding who the enemy is. So on the first day of their training with me, when I take on a new client, long before we go into the bars and cafes to approach girls, one of the things I do with

my clients is we go out and approach women in bars and coffee shops, wherever they want to meet women. I'm literally their wingman with them in person. But before we do that, what I first want to do is I have my clients give their lower selves a name, a nickname to make them cringe. So for example, I had a client named Frederick, an attorney in his late 30s. He came to me because he felt so much fear and stress before he could even think about approaching a woman. He could not do it. That's what's called approach anxiety. His hands would shake. His forehead would turn into a river of sweat. And so Frederick named his lower self, oh, it was Frightened Freddy. He nicknamed his lower self Frightened Freddy. Another example is a client of mine named Nick, a jazz musician. He was really afraid to go for first kisses,

and he was getting a lot of friend zone first dates because he was just not manning up. And he named his lower self No Nuts Nick because he said he felt like he had no nuts when it was time to go for that first kiss, and he would just settle for a hug or a handshake. So first I have my clients give a name to that lower self to make them go, ew, I don't like that side of me. By the way, my lower self name is Connie because in grade school that was my nickname that I hated. It reminds me of my dorky, redheaded, ginger, Afro, younger self. I was not popular. Girls did not like me. So the kids teased me and called me Connie. That's my lower self name. Next, I have my clients think of an area in their lives where they're fulfilled and confident and

just basically a 10 out of 10, at least at times. They at times feel like a 9 or a 10 out of 10. And these arenas of life can be anything. It's different for different guys. It could be that time they crossed the finish line at the marathon, or playing guitar on a stage in their band, or just laughing with friends and family, or traveling and discovering a whole new city, a whole new country, how that makes them feel. And then what I do is I have them give what I call the higher self a name. Have him name his higher self, because that higher self, that confident, present, authentic you, he's capable of great things. So Frightened Freddy became Frederick the Great.

And Frederick the Great could talk to women anywhere. And he did. He was approaching women and getting lots of dates. No Nuts Nick transformed into Nick Summers, his higher self name. And he was soon going for makeouts on first dates and having some incredible stories and experiences. There was one woman that Nick, quote unquote, Nick Summers had a first date with. He finally made the move in the parking lot of where they were grabbing drinks at this pub. He lives in the Pacific

Northwest, so there's somewhere in the Seattle area. He finally goes for a first kiss. He starts making out with this woman leaning up against her car. And then she says to him, let's go into my car, into the backseat. And then they had a little ride in the backseat. Now, I can't promise you that's going to happen on every first date, but that's what Nick Summers was capable of. He went from Mr. Friend Zone to a woman basically seducing him and insisting that they go in the backseat of her car. That's a pretty damn good first date. Okay? And my higher self name, by the way, it's so stupid that it's brilliant. My higher self name, I went from Connie to Conal fucking Barrett, a bold man of action.

You can call me CFB if you want. Conal fucking Barrett, a bold man of action. You can call me CFB if you want. Connell fucking Barrett. So your lower self contains all the pain, all the doubt, all that approach anxiety that has made your dating life sucky. Your higher self has bottomless confidence. He can get you lots of dates. And in time, he's the one who's going to be able to help you choose an incredible

girlfriend from some really nice options. So again, think of your higher self. He's that true, best, authentic inner you who's buried beneath layers of doubt and fears. He's like that priceless diamond, that gleaming priceless diamond that's encased by worthless, igneous rock. But hey, there's a diamond inside of you, that higher self. And hey, every woman loves diamonds, right? And it's true. Women dig you. That's the big message I want to give you right now.

You don't realize how cool you are. Lots of women are going to find you attractive, cool, sexy even. Look, I don't know you personally, obviously, but I'm going to guess that you're very sincere, that you're smart, you have a good job, you have a pretty well-rounded life, that you like and respect women. You see them as people, not bedpost notches. You're kind. You're intelligent.

You probably don't fully see it, but you're a good guy with a lot to offer. And that makes you a hell of a catch. Now you might be saying, oh, that sounds good, coach, but I'm just not the guy girls go for. I'm not what women want. To which I would say to you now, why are you trying to talk to me? This is a podcast. I can't hear you. And I beg to differ. The main thing holding you back, it's not what you think. It's not your looks. It's not your height. It's not not knowing what to say to women. Although you can probably get a lot better at flirting, and that's what we're going to be talking about later this week, is how to flirt,

how to always know what to say. But the biggest thing holding you back is not flirting. It's not height. It's not your looks. It's not that women only want millionaires with six pack abs. That's bullshit. The main thing holding you back is self-doubt, that voice of your lower self. Self-doubt is what kills your confidence, the confidence you need to approach that gorgeous woman who's two feet away from you at that bar. But man, when your lower self is filling your head with doubt, she may as well be two miles away, 200 miles away. Self-doubt is what keeps you from asking out your crush. Self-doubt is why you run out of things to say because you think what you say is not enough. Self-doubt is why you run out of things to say,

because you think what you say is not enough. Self-doubt is the real enemy here. And if you're lonely, if it's been a long time since you've had love, or if you've maybe even never had love, if you're a virgin, if you've had little to no dating experience and you're really lonely, self-doubt is the reason. But here's the truth. Here's the great news. You are enough. Desirable women love good, solid men like you and me as long as they meet that real, authentic you. I'm a big movie fan, so I'm going to be giving you a lot of movie quotes in this podcast because all I do is when I'm not coaching or with my girlfriend, all I'm going to be giving you a lot of movie quotes in this podcast, because all I do is, when I'm not coaching or with my girlfriend, all I'm doing is watching movies, pretty much,

or playing tennis. And yeah, so there's a great quote from one of my favorite movies. Vince Vaughn in Swingers has a little word of advice for his buddy. Baby, you are so money, and you don't even know it. So yeah, I feel the same way about you. You are so money, you don't even know it. So yeah, I feel the same way about you. You are so money, you just don't know it. So you might be asking yourself, okay, why should I listen to this guy? Okay, so he went out on a rooftop once and picked up a really hot blonde.

Why should I listen to him? Well, I can help you get a great girlfriend. First and foremost, in my 12 years as a dating coach internationally, I've helped thousands of men in I think it's 17 countries now find love. And I'm really humbled and proud to say that the New York Post called me the real life hitch. If Will Smith was a skinny ginger, I'd be the real life hitch. And Psychology Today had this amazing thing they said about me. They called me America's most innovative dating coach. I'm not trying to brag. I'm just

really humbled and honored that publications like that have said that about me. And what I know is that I can fix pretty much any dating problem because I've had every dating problem. So if you struggle with how to talk to women, both on the apps and in real life, so did I. If approaching a really cute girl felt scary to you, as I already mentioned, I battled approach anxiety for years, and I know how to get out of the friend zone if you've gotten stuck in the friend zone, because I had to do that.

So yeah, basically for the first 38 years of my life, I felt really unattractive to women. And when I finally met that one girl who was into me, this is before I really ever worked on my dating life. This was kind of my turning point moment. When I finally met a woman who seemed into me, I settled and I decided to marry her because I didn't want to be alone. And then she dumped me nine weeks later. Nine weeks later, not nine months, nine weeks after our wedding, she dumped me. It was over so fast that we fought for custody of the wedding cake. Okay, I joke, obviously, but back then,

it was not funny. I remember driving away from my then wife's house. I'm in my red Honda Civic, nine weeks after our marriage ends. And my backseat is loaded with unwrapped wedding gifts that I'm going to go return for store credit. And at that moment, I felt rejected by all women. But that actually wasn't my low point. My lowest of low points was still to come. Because in the years that followed, I nearly went broke going to escorts, paying women for sex. Because in my mind, I was unworthy of love. I was unworthy of intimacy and connection with really wonderful women.

So I felt like I had to pay them to be with me. So while my friends were all off getting engaged or coupling up or just in really solid relationships, I was in seedy hotels handing strangers envelopes full of cash. I was afraid of getting arrested. I felt shame. And I was just really disgusted with myself. And all I got in exchange for that were scraps of intimacy. So at that moment, my self-esteem was at a rock bottom. And I finally said, okay, it's time to make a change. I don't want to settle.

I don't want to feel like I can't be with women and I certainly don't want to pay women for sex. So I decided to change my story. So what I did is I embarked on a quest, about a five-year quest, I would say it took me, a five-year quest to learn what really works with women. So I hired classy dating coaches and also some sleazy pickup artists, it turns out. But I hired 12, 13, 14 different kinds of coaches. I approached thousands of women.

I went on literally hundreds of dates. I would estimate I've been on over 1,000 dates. And went on literally hundreds of dates. I would estimate I've been on over a thousand dates. And it wasn't easy at first. At first, I got rejected more than a Jehovah's Witness, knocking on doors. But in time, I cracked the code of romantic connection. And here is my big aha moment. What I realized was the more authentic I was with women, the more women liked me. So one of my big aha moments I told you about, Kelly, I want to give you another aha moment. Because what happened was when I started really being authentic with women,

crazy things started happening. I started dating models, actresses, dream girls next door. Instead of hearing, let's be friends on dates, I started hearing, hey, let's go to your place. I remember the first woman who said, hey, why don't we go to your place? And I thought, are you talking to me? I remember once I was in London at a lounge, and I just walked up to and started talking to this lovely Brit, lovely British woman in a really upscale London lounge. And she shushed me mid-sentence. And she said, you have 10 seconds to kiss me. Nine, eight, seven. And I wouldn't

be a gentleman if I didn't meet the lady's wishes. And a lot of women have also asked me or wanted me to be their boyfriends. And I eventually met Jess, Jessamyn, the love of my life, my girlfriend, the most incredible woman I've ever known and been with, my dream girlfriend. And you're actually going to meet her in a few episodes. We're going to have a conversation with Jess. And the bottom line is, if I can find love, you can too. Because since becoming a coach, I've helped countless guys all over the world get great results. So I want you to think of this podcast as like the second best thing to working with me. Think of this podcast as a coaching session where I'm your coach and

I'm going to give you my best tips for flirting, for confidence, for getting great results on the dating apps, and of course, for landing you a really great girlfriend. My point is, you are in good hands with me here, the real life hitch guiding you to getting that dream girlfriend. All right, let's take one more really quick 30 second break. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt, right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to

say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. And that's F-L-I-R-T-Y three zero. Datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty30. And we're back. Yes. So this podcast is about meeting your dream girlfriend, but it's also about becoming an even better man. Because my view is that you should approach women the same way you should approach the world, with authenticity, courage, and kindness. So at the end of most episodes, I'm going to give you missions that I'm going to

ask you to apply in the real world. Why? Because, look, this is a podcast, and podcasts are filled with information. But the thing is, information is overrated and action is underrated. If you just passively consume content here on this podcast or any other platform, but you don't apply it in real life, nothing's going to change, probably. So you've got to take action. You have to do things that are uncomfortable. You just have to take courageous actions, especially in the area of approaching women. Fear is fine. I have no problem with feeling fear. That's life. Courage is the antidote.

I have a problem with cowardice. Fear is fine. Cowardice is not. And I was a coward for 38 years until that night I met Kelly. Then I became courageous. And I want to ask you to start summoning courage and take some real life actions

that are going to change the game for you. Because if I had to distill everything I teach down into one sentence, it's this. To attract your dream girlfriend, you must take authentic, courageous action. It's that simple. Oh, by the way, if you are a guy who's looking for superficial, sleazy pickup moves,

or if you're into the manosphere, or if you think women are all a bunch of greedy bitches who are selfish and only want rich guys, or if you only care about getting laid, or if you don't respect women, well, you are in the wrong place. This is not the place for you. So you're welcome to move along if that's you I like and respect women I teach cutting edge personal development and I teach men how to awaken

authenticity, confidence and also respect for women and I do not, not, not teach creepy seduction tricks nothing toxic, nothing manipulative. So if that's what you want, good luck. This is not the place for you. But if you're a good-hearted, solid dude, and you want a great girlfriend,

and you want to do it with charm and respect and integrity, I'm your man. Okay, let's finish up by, I want to give you that radical authenticity philosophy and teach you how to start applying it. So here we go. Here's why radical authenticity works with women. When you channel that authentic self and you project that self to women in your dating

life, a woman feels two really powerful things, attraction and trust. She's attracted to you because it takes confidence to unapologetically be yourself, and confidence is intoxicating to women. She also begins to trust you as she sees that you're being real and honest. And as a single woman, she has heard more lies than an NYPD blue polygraph expert. When you're authentic, you're signaling to her that you're a guy that women can finally trust. So you're giving her the two things she wants. Attraction, of course, but also she needs to be able to trust you.

And that's what creates a real connection with women. Now, being authentic is powerful in any walk of life. But in dating, it's really rare, which makes it 10 times more potent. Because when you put that real self on the line, you stand out. So not only is authenticity what women crave from men, it creates a vibe that's fun, that's surprising, that's connecting, that's exciting, and thus makes your dating life even better. And the beautiful thing is your authentic

self is different than mine. You get to channel who you are. You don't have to be like me. You don't have to recite lines or try to do an impression of any dating guru or what you think women want. You get to be you, that true, real, raw self. So radical authenticity should permeate your entire life. Frankly, in my view. It should be a whole life philosophy. But dialing down into dating, it also will permeate your entire dating life. Because you want to approach women with authenticity. You want to project that best authentic self on hand or bumble.

You want photos to be authentic. You want your authentic sense of humor, personality to come out on the apps. You want to flirt with women in an authentic way. It's going to be like a lens to look on every single aspect of your dating life. Here's another quick story about how I applied being radically authentic with women. Back before I understood what worked with women,

I got friend-zoned a lot. I think I had a string of eight or 10 straight dates, first dates where she just wasn't into me. And what was happening was I was being very safe with dates, very timid. I was being overly polite. I was hiding the real me. I was being really eager, hanging on her every word, and basically being supplicating. And women didn't like it. And I remember before my first date with a woman named Katie, tall, charming Katie, I said to myself,

fuck it. I got to do something different. I'm really going to go for it here. I'm going to truly be me. I'm going to drop all the masks I've been wearing. And so here's a quick backstory or context. I'm a natural born smart ass. I love to tease people, tease my friends with a healthy dose of sarcasm. In college, my dorm floor gave away end of year awards. You know. Mr. All-Nighter, Mr. Party Animal, that kind of thing. I won Mr. Smartass. I am authentically a smartass. That's just who I am.

However, I was hiding that side with women. I was not letting them see my authentically smartass side. I'm a cheeky smartass. But I was showing them this fake mask, this mask that basically said, say whatever you think she wants to hear. And women didn't like that. They could smell the inauthenticity. So anyway, I said, Katie's going to be different. I'm going to shake it up. So Katie walks into our first date venue. It's a sushi bar. She walks into the sushi bar. She's about 10 minutes late, about 10 minutes behind schedule. And the first thing I say is, oh, well, you're late. So I invited another girl to replace you.

But that's OK. You two can fight over me. And it made her laugh. And all of a sudden, I saw this little window into, hey, why not just keep being a smartass? A little bit later on the date, she dropped a piece of sushi on the floor because she's bad at chopsticks. And I teased her something like, how could you be so cute yet so klutzy? And that made her giggle because I was giving her a compliment.

I was calling her cute, but I was also calling her a klutz. And she said, oh, come on. Give me another chance. I promise on our second date, I was also calling her a klutz. And she said, oh, come on. Give me another chance. I promise on our second date I won't be so klutzy. So here we are an hour into our first date, and she's already asking me out essentially for a second date. And I remember at the end of the night, we stood outside waiting for a taxi for her to take her home.

And she gave me those eyes. I don't know if you've seen the eyes, but those big eyes where a woman just says, you should kiss me now. So she gave me these big eyes. And as I leaned in before I kissed her, as I leaned in, I said, I hope you're better at kissing than you are at chopsticks.

And I leaned in and we had a really hot, sexy make out. And basically friend zone slump busted. A month later, I should say by a month later, Katie and I were dating exclusively. Now, my teasing moves, were those moves? I guess so. I guess you could call my teasing lines moves, and they did work. But the thing is, they weren't really moves. I was just being my snarky self. That's the kind of stuff I say to my friends. That's the kind of stuff I say to my siblings. Just cocky, cheeky, smart-ass stuff. But I was hiding that authentic side of me with women. Katie loved it. But just as rewarding as it was

to finally get out of that friend zone and start having some cute girls on dates be into me, that was great, of course, but it felt even more powerful just feeling free to be me. I just felt free to be me and that's how I want you to feel. I want you to feel free. I want you to feel more expressive. And I want you to, of course, be able to channel your authentic self to bring a great girlfriend into your dating life.

So here are five benefits that radical authenticity is going to bring into your dating life. Here we go. Number one is you're going to have more confidence. Because when you align your thoughts, your words, your actions with that true self, you stand taller, you talk more loudly, you become more comfortable in your own skin, and you just become more attractive. Every woman loves a man of confidence. Number two is you become more magnetic to women. Not all of them, of course. This is not about attracting every woman, but a lot more than you might think. Women have a sixth sense for a man who knows himself and believes in himself. And bottom line is it takes anvil-sized cojones to be really real and

vulnerable in dating and courageous. And women really appreciate that and they really like it. The third benefit of becoming radically authentic in your love life is you're going to create genuine connections. Because authenticity, another way to describe it is emotional nudity. You're going to get emotionally naked with women, so to speak. And first, by you getting vulnerable, more emotionally naked, they're going to feel the green light to get more emotionally naked and vulnerable with you. And that's what allows you both to have your real selves connect.

And hey, once you're getting emotionally naked with each other, it's just a matter of time before you get actually naked with each other. The fourth benefit of being radically authentic is you're going to know your worth. You're going to know your worth. You're going to feel worthy of beautiful women. You're going to feel like you're the 10 out of 10. The question is, is she in your league? Because when you're authentic, you send a really powerful message to a woman. You say to her, I am enough. And when you know you're enough, man, fear of rejection goes away. And women say to themselves, I got to be with a guy like this who believes in himself so much.

And the fifth benefit of being radically authentic, I think you're going to love this one, is you're never going to run out of things to say. You're going to know what to say, especially when I teach you my flirting framework. But basically, the reason why guys struggle with what to say, they struggle to find the right words when they're talking to women, it's because they are afraid that their words are insufficient because they fear that they're insufficient, that they're not enough. But when you're authentic, a powerful paradox kicks in.

When you know your worth in your true self, you stop straining for the right thing to say, and you simply speak more freely and unfiltered, more spontaneously, and then the right words are going to come. Okay, so basically kind of moving toward the recap here, when your authentic self is running the show, this whole new world opens up. Imagine your buddies saying to you, hey man, you seem different. Did you lose weight? What's changed? Did you get lifts? What's going on? Imagine women who before said, hey, let's just be friends. Imagine them chasing you. Imagine them saying, hey, why don't we go to your place?

Basically, imagine yourself enjoying dating. A couple final things here, and then I want to give you the end of episode missions I'm going to ask you to do. And I'm also going to tell you how to get my book for free. But first, I just want to end with one more point here. I want to talk about the masks that men wear that we want to remove to put on that authentic mask. Unfortunately, few men date from an authentic place. Most guys wear a mask. A lot of guys wear the fake, nice, people-pleaser mask.

That's what gets them in the friend zone, like it did for me. A lot of guys put on this fake alpha male mask, which is this awful, terrible myth that's permeated dating because of terrible male coaches who don't know anything about coaching. They say, be an alpha male, be a man. And that doesn't work either because there's no such thing as alpha males. I'll talk about that in a future episode.

But the worst mask of all is unworthy man. Unworthy man. That guy who avoids putting himself out there because he's so afraid that rejection will make him feel like he's just not enough. That is why 15 years ago, before I met Kelly, I was having a panic attack in a men's room stall and vomiting

up stomach acid and having dry heaves because I was afraid I was about to find out I was unworthy. And this leads to avoiding taking action, avoiding effort, and not to mention just crushing your self-confidence. So that's unworthy mask. We want to get rid of that. But remember, unworthy man, it's just a mask. Like any other mask, it can be removed. Because when you're authentic, you feel more at ease, you're more confident, you're more attractive, and you give women a singular experience. Think of it this way.

You're not one in a million. You're actually one in eight billion. You're literally one in eight billion. You are completely singular and unique. And it's sort of like when you're talking to a woman, you want her to feel like, wow, this is a one-of-a-kind man. It's the difference between being a watered-down wine spritzer and a strong scotch. So you want to be a strong glass of scotch with women, not a watered-down wine spritzer. Yeah, women want to catch a buzz off the good stuff,

that top-shelf, 80-proof barrel-aged you. So again, if you're a book-loving, introverted nerd like me, fly that banner high. If you're a hipster, rock the goatee, bro. If you're a book-loving introverted nerd like me, fly that banner high. If you're a hipster, rock the goatee, bro. If you're a single dad, lean into being a single dad. Talk about your kid. We all have types. Plenty of women love nerds and hipsters and single dads. Katie, actually, my ex, she once told me that she loved to go to the park with her girlfriends

and watch the dilfs, the dads I'd like to. Anyway, so yeah, it takes courage to put yourself out there. So I'm not saying this will not be scary, but when you do it, you're going to help women to realize that, wow, this guy is the genuine article. He's the real thing. And you're going to get so many more women into you. And that natural chemistry you have with a woman, it's going to spinal tap right up to 11. These go to 11. All right, let's finish with the five pillars of radical authenticity. Here's what a radically authentic man is like. He's in harmony with himself. His thoughts, his words, his actions, all these values are aligned.

He listens to his gut. He believes in himself. He's expressive. He's less filtered, more expressive, kind, compassionate, appreciative of life, empathetic to others' feelings, but he doesn't change who he is based on the environment. Basically, a radically authentic man is a raw, real, straight-shooting, decent dude. Here are the five pillars of radical authenticity. Number one is honesty. Never lie to women and never present a false front. Share your sense of humor, your point of view, your passions. The more honest you are, the more you accept your authentic self. The second pillar of radical authenticity is vulnerability. Let your flaws, your fears, your mistakes show while owning them. It takes real

strength to be vulnerable, and women love strong men. The third pillar of being radically authentic is, this is so important, taking courageous action. Align your actions with your words and values. There's a famous, or there's a quote from Shakespeare, I believe it's from Hamlet, action is eloquence. So take action, just like I had to take action that night with Kelly and pull her away from those Wall Street dudes. The fourth pillar of radical authenticity is kindness. This is the number one thing women want in a boyfriend,

according to a poll, a 2019 poll of single women. The number one thing they want is kindness. So it's okay. Be nice. Niceness is not a weakness. Niceness is strength. I'm the nicest guy in the world, I think. So be nice. It's okay. And number five, the fifth pillar is growing and giving. Because in dating and in life, the more you grow, the more you can give. And the more you give, the more women want you to give back and they want to give back to you. So it all kind of boils down to the word value. It boils down to a woman being into you, it really is about how much value she sees you being able to bring into her life. So simply put, authenticity equals value, and value equals attraction.

So take that gorgeous woman you might have a crush on. You're attracted to her because you see value in her wit, her curves, her femininity, her sweetness, her voice, not to mention the potential for love and connection and sex and a relationship. For her to be into you, for her to feel attraction for you, quote unquote, she has to see the value that you can bring into her life. And she has to feel that value. So attraction is a trade. Before you trade sweet nothings, you have to trade value. Let me switch to a couple different analogies here. By definition, any authentic thing is valuable because it's real, it's rare, and has value. Something about the word authentic implies utility or value. For example, an authentic Picasso sells for millions of dollars

at a Sotheby's auction, while a copy of a Picasso sells for a few hundred bucks. Food lovers fly to Italy for authentic Tuscan cuisine or for a real slice of authentic pizza from Naples. Nobody's getting on a plane to go to Olive Garden. And in dating an authentic man, he's magnetic to women because he is being authentic, and that has real value to her when she wants love and connection and a relationship, but she's also on a dating landscape that's filled with liars and players and pretenders or men who doubt themselves. So let's go back to that night I met Kelly, that night that changed my dating life forever. What happened was I removed my fake nice guy mask and I showed her my authentic self, Conal fucking Barrett. And that real man, quote unquote,

had real value to her. I was vulnerable. I was courageous. I was honest. I played to win. I didn't play to avoid losing. And when I took her back away from those Wall Street guys,

she saw, oh wow, here's a man who's got value for me. A man who plays to win. She saw CFB, Connell fucking Barrett, and that's what made her so attracted to me. It wasn't anything magical that I said. I said nothing especially magical or perfect that night, but she got attracted to me because she saw the value I could bring to her. So yeah, it wasn't anything magical I said. it was that I became that valuable man in that moment. I call that being your higher self. And radical authenticity is how you summon your inner superhero to transform your

dating life. In other words, authenticity is king. Connection is queen. Forever, may they reign. Okay, I have two missions I want to give you because I want you to go out and take real action in the world and not just consume information on a podcast. All right, here are your two missions for this episode. Again, you want to go out and take real action and not just consume information. Here are your two missions. Mission number one is name your lower self. It's time for you to know the enemy. Give your lower self a name. It could be a nickname from childhood that you despised or a description that encapsulates your biggest dating problem. You could go with Anxious Aaron, Not Confident Chris, Frankie Friend Zone.

By the way, alliteration is fun but not required. The trick is to choose a name that makes you feel profound disgust. You want to link a lot of pain to your lower self so that you can leave behind this loser. Okay. And that's mission number one. Mission number two is name your higher self. Name your best, most awesomely authentic you. Give this guy a name.

It will help if you recall a moment of your life or maybe think about an area of your life where you feel so powerful and in the zone. That speech that you aced, the dance contest you won, maybe when you're at the gym and you see those pecs popping. Think of a part of life, an arena of life where you feel like a 10 out of 10 version of you, at least at times. What's that guy's name? My clients' nicknames include Badass Brett, Caesar the Great, Confident Kurt, William the Conqueror, one of my greatest clients ever, William the Conqueror, or you can steal mine if you like, which is just take your first name and last name, but give yourself the middle name, fucking, like I'm Connell fucking Barrett.

The name you choose should make you feel great. It should represent the real you and should essentially capture the essence of how you feel at your best in other areas of life. Because what we're going to be doing in future podcasts, I'm going to show you how to take the keys of your love life and give the keys to your higher self. The guy who's crushing it at work or at the gym or when he's playing guitar on stage, we're going to give that awesome you your dating life, and he is going to be incredibly attractive to women. So those are your two missions. Name your lower self and your higher self. Okay, so let's recap the episode. What have we learned

today? We've learned three things. We've learned a lot more than three, but three core things. Number one, you've learned that women don't want great looks or height or money. They want an authentic, confident man. They want a radically authentic man. Number two is we learned that you have dual selves, your lower self and your higher self. And that lower self is the real enemy. Your higher self is that inner superhero waiting to wake up and help you meet your future girlfriend. And the third thing we learned today is cool Wall Street bros ain't got nothing

on a nerdy Star Wars loving ginger like me. Okay, I want to follow through on that little bonus I mentioned at the top of the episode. If you would like to get a free copy of my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, it's a number one Amazon bestseller. It's a dating guide for men. It's got all my best up-to-date coaching,

at least as of three years ago when I wrote the book. Here's what you got to do. If you want an instant copy today, just send an email to me at connell at dating transformation.com. So that's C O N N E L L at dating transformation.com. Please write free book in the subject line and my team will immediately send you an e-version of Dating Sucks But You Don't. So just shoot me an email at connell at datingtransformation.com, and you will get an instant copy of my book for free, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Okay, so now that you have a whole new dating philosophy, you're probably wondering, how the heck do I flirt with women? What do I say? How do I create sparks? How do I make things happen on dates? What do I say when I approach? How do I

stay out of the friend zone? You probably still want to know, how do I talk to girls? What do I say? And how do I not run out of things to say? Well, listen to the next episode, because in part two of this week-long series on how to get a girlfriend, I'm going to give you what I call my secret weapon for flirting. It's called man-to-woman communication. It is a flirting framework that you can apply to literally every single part of your dating life. On the apps, on a date, when you approach, when you're texting, you're going to be able to, after you listen when you're texting, you're going to be able to, after you listen to the next episode, you're going to be able to always know what to say to women.

You're going to do it in a spontaneous, authentic way. And you're going to do it in a way that's respectful, but effective and very charming. You're going to be able to flirt with women as a charming, authentic gentleman, and they're going to love it. So listen to the next episode so you know exactly how to flirt and what to say. And by the way, if you like this episode, please leave me a review and or share this episode with somebody you know, a guy who needs a little dating help or maybe a lot of dating help. So feel free to leave me a review. That helped me a lot. Or share this episode with somebody who needs it. And let me just say this at the end.

Your dream girlfriend, she's out there, and she is going to love you. She just has to meet the real, authentic you. So go take courageous, authentic action. Carpe datum. Seize the date. Later. later.