How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Be a Better Man, Featuring Alex Manley, author of “The New Masculinity”

Starting point is 00:00:00 looks just don't matter. I mean, I look like one of the lost Weasley brothers from Harry Potter, and I've done pretty well. So if I can do it with my ginger hair and average looks, so can you. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right, welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett, helping you gain confidence, learn to flirt, and get a great girlfriend, all by being authentic, the real best you. No pickup artist BS. And you're in for a treat today because in just a few minutes, I'm going to be talking to author Alex Manley, who's got a brand new book out called The New Masculinity, a roadmap for a 21st century definition of manhood. And Alex is so great. Alex is going

Starting point is 00:00:59 to give you some dating tips. Alex is going to talk about essentially here's a roadmap to make you a more attractive, more dateable, more authentic, more amazing man. And we're going to have a great conversation, I'm sure of it. So stick around for that. Plus, Alex is going to give you his top three favorite game-changing tips. These are tips that Alex has thought about because Alex is the dating editor at AskMen. And Alex has literally written or edited thousands and thousands of tips. And they're going to share the top three. So stick around. You're going to get some great practical tips from Alex. And I just want to do a quick little five-minute quick mini dating lesson for you here. Because a lot of guys say,

Starting point is 00:01:56 Connell, what do you hear most often from men who need help with dating? What are they struggling with? What do they want to fix? What outcomes do they want to fix? What outcomes do they want? And I think the thing I hear more than anything else is, what do I say? How do I flirt? What is the art of creating sparks and a connection with your words? And my answer to that is pretty simple. It's not what you say. It's not the words. It's how you say it. Essentially, we want to... So I teach something called man-to-woman communication. There's not a silver bullet. There's not a magic trick that fixes every dating problem.

Starting point is 00:02:51 But the closest thing there is to a quick fix or a magic bullet is getting on this wavelength of what I call man-to-woman communication on a date or when you're talking to a woman or a girl you're interested in. And essentially, man-to-woman communication is talking in a more communicating, not in a logical informational way, but in an emotionally evocative way. Essentially, I forget who said this. I'm quoting another coach. I'm going to see if I can remember her name by the end of this podcast, but a really, a really smart dating expert said that attraction is, it comes down to emotion. I think the exact quote is, is logic is the opposite of romance. So when you're going on a date or when you're just talking to a woman who you're interested in romantically, it's very easy to get stuck in that logical mode where you only talk about information and you only ask logical informational questions. And you only say things like, hey, where are you from? What do you do? How long have you lived here? Here's how long I've lived here. Here's what I do.

Starting point is 00:04:05 Here's my name. Here's my age. And if you get stuck in the information and logic land, you're going to make it a lot more difficult for you and the woman you're attracted to, to create a spark because we're people. We're wired to be more emotionally connected. That just feels better than pure logic and information. So I want to give you a couple quick tools you can use that on your next date or your next conversation at a party or a social situation with a woman you're interested in. Here's how to communicate in a more man a more man to woman meaning emotionally resonant way while also being authentic of course it always comes back to being truly yourself the real best you so it all starts with that but assuming you're showing your personality your real you

Starting point is 00:05:02 here are a couple training wheels, let's call them. One thing, two things you can do. One thing you can do is when you're communicating on this date or with this woman, you can play a game of what I call love-hate. Feel free to have strong opinions about the topic of your conversation and either love the thing you're talking about or hate it. And you can actually use the words love-hate. So for example, if you are on a first date and you and your date are talking about TV shows, movies you've been watching, TV shows you've been watching, where you've lived, where you've traveled, let her know that you loved that TV show. You loved your trip to Italy. You loved the finale of succession, or maybe you hated the last episode of whatever TV show you watched, or maybe you hated the, you, you loved the trip to Italy, but you

Starting point is 00:06:01 hated the, uh, airline that took you there. So feel free to amplify your point of view. Have a strong, sharp point of view. And a little, a cheap code to get there is just saying, I love, love, love a lot or saying I love often or saying, even saying I hate or a dislike. Now, one little caveat, you don't want to be Mr. Negative and hate everything. You should be a lot more positive on dates than negative. And I'm not saying present a negative energy. I'm just saying, feel free to be really genuine and say, you know what I hate? I hate blank. And it can be with a smile on your face. So for example, my girlfriend and I actually

Starting point is 00:06:41 talk about this, or I talk about this with her. I love traveling. I love the trips that she and I take together. But you know what I hate? I hate on the flight, on the airline, when we get a pilot who cracks jokes when he's making his on-air pilot announcements. I hate that because I think a pilot should be focused on flying the plane, not being a stand-up comedian. So you can express that sort of hate with a small h. That's a good way to put it. It's a small h hate. It's not an actual negative hate. So you want to say, I love often. And you want to even say, I hate or I really don't dislike occasionally too. Because that shows her that you are willing and able to be unfiltered or to be less filtered and more expressive. Okay? By the way, this is what the bad boys do. If you've ever wondered why quote unquote bad boys

Starting point is 00:07:39 can have a lot of success with dating, it's because they're just very unfiltered. They just say what's on their mind. And this is a way for you to be a lot less filtered with dating, it's because they're just very unfiltered. They just say what's on their mind. And this is a way for you to be a lot less filtered, but still be genuine, still tell the truth, still be authentic. Another little training wheel here is to start off a lot of sentences on dates or when talking to women with the words, I feel. I feel this. How do you feel? Simply starting sentences. My old coach, Anthony, gave me this tip many, many years ago. And because I'm a very logical guy, analytical guy, and I used to make a lot of factual statements. And his tip to me back in the day was,

Starting point is 00:08:22 say I feel more often. I feel this bar is really cool. Oh, I'm feeling amazing tonight. I'm feeling so great because spring is here. I'm feeling amazing because it's summer. Or on the date, if a woman is telling you a story and you just share how you feel about the story. Oh, I totally feel what you're saying with that, Emily. I feel the same way. And then share your feelings. And so you can use the I feel technique and also to ask her questions and find out how she feels about something. So for example, I was once on a date and the woman on my date was talking very logically about her trip to Europe. I forget where she was going. Somewhere in Europe. And she was speaking about it in a very analytical, logical way. And I said to her, I had that little coach in my brain said,

Starting point is 00:09:17 find out how she feels or how she felt about her trip. And I said, well, how did it feel to be exploring Southern France? What was the highlight? What felt the best? And just asking a question, asking her about feelings, she got this big smile on her face. And she said, oh, well, it felt amazing when I was stomping on grapes at the vineyard. That felt so fantastic. And I said, how'd that feel between your toes? And she started laughing saying, oh, it felt so great. My feet were all purple. And it just became a really fun, playful date with good emotions as opposed to just logical facts and figures. So that's my kind of quick tip opener here today. If you want to get more of that emotional connection going on dates, say, I love or even occasionally I hate. Tell the truth. Amplify your true opinions

Starting point is 00:10:16 with some certainty and some real commitment. And then start off a lot of sentences with I feel. And then ask her how she feels. Sometimes just by starting of sentences with I feel, and then ask her how she feels. Sometimes just by starting off sentences with, well, here's how I feel, you're actually tapping into and channeling your more emotional side, and you're tamping down the logical informational side. And it's that more magnetic, it's that more emotionally expressive side of you that will make you more magnetic to women and make you feel more charismatic. So this is not just about creating sparks on a date or quote unquote creating attraction. It's a nice bonus. But really, this is about you channeling your true, authentic, real self and being expressive

Starting point is 00:11:07 and more magnetic. And this also will help you become more charismatic. Naturally charismatic as you. So those are the tips. Okay, stick around because I'm coming right back with Alex Manley, who's going to give us some fantastic tips about how to date with this roadmap of the new masculinity. Stick around. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps.

Starting point is 00:11:57 And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Connell Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self, so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact

Starting point is 00:12:49 and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life.

Starting point is 00:13:11 Bye. All right, we are back. And I'm really psyched for today's guest. We're going to have a great conversation with Alex Manley. And let me tell you a little bit about Alex. Alex is a 34-year-old non-binary writer, editor, and translator based in Montreal, Canada. And they are a senior editor at AskMen.com and the author of a really great book that I just read last night called The New Masculinity, a roadmap for a 21st century definition of manhood. We're going to talk all about that.

Starting point is 00:13:46 And if you want to learn more about Alex, or if you want to get their new book, you can go to alexmanley.com. And that's A-L-E-X-M-A-N-L-E-Y.com. And you can also get the new masculinity on Amazon. That's how I got it. pretty much wherever books are sold. And also, you can also go to askmen.com and just read a ton, a ton of tips and articles that Alex has written. Alex, thank you so much for being here today on the Dating Transformation podcast. It's absolutely a pleasure, Connell. Our professional relationship now goes back many years, and it's been nothing but a pleasure to work with you.

Starting point is 00:14:25 So I'm feeling really honored to be a guest on your podcast. The pleasure is mine. Absolutely. And let's start with your book, which I only learned about yesterday. But I started thumbing through it, got it on the Kindle last night, and I just was totally knocked out. So my four-word book review is this fucking rocks hard. There, that's four. It's vulnerable. It's powerful. It's practical. It's incredible. Yeah. So when I was reading your book last night, what I kept thinking

Starting point is 00:15:01 to myself was, this feels like a book that Alex had to write. Like, it was just like, something you had to get out into the world. It felt urgent. It felt like it was just dying to get out. Two part question. Am I right about that? And then the second question is simply, why did you write The New Masculinity? First part, you're absolutely right. And, you know, I'd be lying if i said i didn't get into arguments you know behind the scenes with the people at my publisher uh where i was like you know please can we publish this as soon as humanly possible um so i want this to be out in the world rather than sitting on it um and uh you know because i feel like the world, I don't know, has like, like, there's a place for a book like this in the world.

Starting point is 00:15:51 You know, and as far as I can tell, and you know, correct me if I'm wrong, did around this kind of stuff was, I don't know, like the books were a lot more kind of like trying to diagnose like what's going on with men today, rather than like setting out a kind of guide, um, for, for how to be a man in a world where so much of the gender conversation has changed in the past decade or so, you know, it feels like the ground is kind of moving under our feet. And that can be very scary for a lot of people. And I think, you know, a lot of the, I don't know, the culture war conversations that you sort of see people having online, know that's that's an outcrop of that fear and that uncertainty um but i felt like there needed to be a book that kind of addressed all

Starting point is 00:16:53 this stuff in a way that was accessible to the average guy um from a forward thinking perspective um of like where are we where are we going now if we're not clawing our way back to the 1950s and sort of like patriarch and housewife and kids going insane in the suburbs model, what does that look like? My quick follow-up to what you just said is, moving forward, what is this book a roadmap to? Where is this taking your reader ideally um to the best

Starting point is 00:17:28 version of themselves i think is my hope um you know for me it feels like a kind of uh a guidebook for unlocking a version of of yourself for for young guys you know who isn't scared all the time of sort of not measuring up to an unreachable sort of masculine ideal or sort of like trying to fit into a model that doesn't really make sense anymore. You know, I think that's one of the things that a lot of people maybe don't get is that like a lot of men are scared you know like and a lot of the times I don't know especially like when when women are sort of sensing like oh like why are men acting like this why are they behaving badly or whatever it's like a lot of the time guys are scared and they don't have necessarily the tools to admit that to themselves or other people but a lot of

Starting point is 00:18:23 you know there's a lot of fear, I think, of sort of trying to be something that you're not or trying to fit in, that kind of stuff. And so what I'm hoping for with this book is to help guys kind of grow past that fear and get out of these kind of boxes that they feel other people are imposing on them or that they're imposing on themselves and, and to become sort of fuller, um, more human versions of, of who they could be. I love it. Yeah. And that, that aligns with what I am all about teaching my clients and my audience, which is how to be the best, most authentic version of yourself. And at the same time, being true to yourself and being very respectful and empathetic to other

Starting point is 00:19:13 people, people in general, obviously women in particular for guys who are looking to date. So I want to read a couple of quotes from your book that I really liked. And then maybe you can elaborate. Yeah, please. Here's one I really liked, and then maybe you can elaborate. Yeah, please do. Here's one I really liked. Quote, quote, I've written and edited for a men's website for close to a decade now, and I've seen how angry, scared, and lonely men feel. What this book contains is a guide for unlearning. What do men need to unlearn? What don't men need to unlearn, Connell? That's how I feel sometimes. You know, I just feel like when you're growing up, being socialized male in sort of North American or Western culture, as I was, and as I imagine the bulk of your listeners were, you know,

Starting point is 00:20:02 it feels like every single thing you're taught about how to act and how to were, you know, it feels like every single thing you're taught, uh, about how to act and how to be, uh, you know, later turns out to be sort of either, you know, completely false, you know, like, um, in terms of, for instance, I don't know, pardon me, like, um, what women are looking for, like in bed or whatever you know and it's like you're taught like oh you need to have a big dick to satisfy her and then it's like oh that actually produces very few orgasms that's that's responding you know like penetrative sex is really not the big driver of female pleasure at all that's categorically false um And then a lot of the stuff, you know, if it's not categorically false, is just really toxic and, you know, problematic and just leads to all these, you know, you know,

Starting point is 00:20:54 negative outcomes, I guess, you know, like, sort of the guys need to be tough or can't show vulnerability, that kind of stuff leads to them kind of, you know, presenting a certain persona in a dating context that women are actually not, you know, that interested in. And if not, you know, turned off time for us kind of as a society to wake up to just all the bad advice that guys have, you know, been taught, you know, from so young that, like, you know, whether it's coming from, you know, a dad or an older brother or an uncle or a teacher or your friends or the media, movies, TV, you know, music, just like there's so much messaging, I feel like that every guy has kind of absorbed that's just really harmful, both directly to him and then to the people in his life in terms of like, how he ends up acting and who he ends up being. So I'm just sort of like, okay, we need a bit of a reset button here. Yeah, I can't agree more about bad lessons, learning the wrong things. I remember when I was on my own five or six year journey, trying to work on my confidence and my dating success. I was struggling at one point,

Starting point is 00:22:22 and one of the coaches said, Oh, well, you're too nice. Go out for a month and just be a dick to women. Just show them you're a bad boy. You're a boss. And it felt so inauthentic. I remember I was at a club and the women were dancing and I would walk over and kind of wag my finger and say, no dancing. No dancing unless I say it's okay. And they looked at me like I was an alien.

Starting point is 00:22:48 And at one point, I was hitting on a woman's friend poorly. And her friend came up behind me and poured a pitcher of ice water down my shirt. And I was like, okay, not only does this feel awful, but it doesn't work right and uh anyway it was well deserved by the way I deserve that ice water anyway so I hear you there's so much bad advice out there oh I was just gonna say it's fascinating because it feels like you know these there there's so many people out there who basically make careers out of giving bad advice um and it's like you know because they're telling people sort of what they want to hear, they get away with it, and they're able to be successful, even if their

Starting point is 00:23:31 advice is, you know, bad on almost every level, you know, and, and, and any success that people sort of have with it is like, sort of success that they're having, like, despite the advice that they've been giving, basically, you know, like lots of guys are dateable, even if they're, you know, acting out sort of bad advice in a dating context, you know, and it's just like, oh, you would be more dateable if you weren't doing this, but you don't realize that. And you're taking like maybe the little bits of success you're getting and you're going like, oh, this is due to the bad advice I got. I better keep following that. It's like, no. Right. One other quote of yours I'd like to read. Early on, I think it's chapter one,

Starting point is 00:24:15 you say this, you write this. The enemy isn't men. It's the toxicity that exists within traditional masculinity. Your family members, dating app matches, classmates and coworkers don't want eunuchs. They just want considerate, caring humans. Such a beautiful, simple message. Can you elaborate on especially the consideration and caring part? Because I think a lot of men might feel, especially men who are dating or trying to date, think, well, don't be too considerate or too caring. That can come across as weak. You're saying that's actually what a lot of singles and women want.

Starting point is 00:24:51 Yeah, absolutely. You know, I mean, I got that messaging, too, you know, when I was younger. Like, oh, like, nice guys finish last. You know, be the alpha male, the asshole whatever you know and and it feels like it's just a really simple kind of misunderstanding that like confidence and charisma are sexy but you can be confident and charismatic and also kind and courteous and polite those things are not at odds with each other and the idea that they're somehow like polar opposites is complete nonsense you know um so you know like it's true yeah you can be like very nice and also kind of self-effacing

Starting point is 00:25:34 and uh i don't know apologizing for yourself and uh someone who doesn't take themselves seriously and as such is not very attractive but that's not because you're nice it's because of the second part of that sentence you know it's because you don't see yourself as being worth the other person's time and you know we're social creatures we pick up on stuff you know like when when you meet someone who doesn't seem to respect themselves doesn't seem to value themselves like you can kind of, uh, and that's not the most attractive trait for most people. I mean, it's a very attractive trait for sociopaths who want to manipulate someone, but if you're an emotionally healthy or normal person, you know, you're looking

Starting point is 00:26:15 for someone who doesn't need to be picked up and reassured constantly. Um, and I think that's true regardless of gender. Yeah. It's okay. Yeah. It's okay to be kind. It's okay to be nice. Hopefully that hopefully you already are that and it's, it's not a weakness. It can be a strength. Right. Exactly. Like, I don't think, I think we're all sort of initially kind.

Starting point is 00:26:38 Like, I feel like babies are kind, you know, like toddlers are kind. And I feel like, uh, anyone who's kind of a jerk as an adult is someone who's lost that. And it's like, I think you can get it back if you sort of get to a place where you I don't know where you love yourself and you can sort of extend the kindness that you're giving to yourself to other people. But yeah, I don't know. Every really nice, kind guy I know is in a happy, loving relationship. I feel like kindness and generosity and the ability to be loving and giving with your time and with yourself is a highly successful predictor of romantic happiness. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:27:27 And you can have layers, right? You can be a nice, kind guy who can flirt, who has self-confidence, who can joke, maybe even tease a woman or a person. It doesn't mean you're not nice. It's just, it's layers, right? We all contain multitudes, as Whitman said. It's true. It's true.

Starting point is 00:27:44 I think that's very accurate and and yeah like i don't know the the idea that i don't know yeah um the kindness and flirtatiousness are somehow you know diametrically opposed just sort of pardon me is is very inaccurate i think and and just i don't know like the i'm just like I don't know, like the, I'm just like, I try to conceive of like the mentality of someone who thinks like, you can't be both like flirtatious and kind, or you can't be sexy and kind or whatever. And I'm like, you have a really narrow minded view of the world. If you think that those things cannot coexist in a person, like people are, are miracles, you know know people are contain multitude

Starting point is 00:28:26 they're they're every person alive is is a fascinating creature you know if you look at them from a certain angle um and i don't know i feel like so much of of the the kind of unhealthy aspects of the dating advice conversation or the gender conversation as people just being like, no, we're all robots. We're all animals. We're all, you know, kind of hard coded to be a certain way. And I'm just like, oh, that's so depressing. That's such a depressing way to think of people. Right. We're complex. We're watercolors. I have my masculine side, which certainly comes out in the dating world. But I also, I've approached women by saying, hey, your hair looks fantastic today. I've approached women like like, even emotional. And as long as the overall picture is presenting a true version of myself, that is the kind of guy she might be interested in. Nothing wrong with that, I would think. No, yeah. I mean, obviously, it's possible to be... It's not a sign of weakness. No, exactly. I mean, it's possible to be too vulnerable on dates,

Starting point is 00:29:41 but it's also possible and easy to be too confident on dates, you know, like, I don't know, that kind of stuff is, is, I mean, like, whether a date is successful or fun or worth anyone's time or not, is like, so much more around just like whether two people are clicking and sort of picking up what the other is putting down as opposed to like, you know, did you hit like X emotional note or not kind of thing. Let's get back to your book because I love how you create the chapter titles. So most of your chapters are a prescription of sorts, a practical command, but you do this really clever thing where you have a you have a command but then you have part of it x'd out so for example chapter one i read this and i was like damn it i wish i had done this

Starting point is 00:30:31 for my book damn you alex but chapter chapter one chapter one of your book is called a real man doesn't get friend zoned but you x out the a real man doesn't. So really what you're saying is get friend zoned. And here's a quote from that chapter, which I love, and I'd love for you to elaborate on. Quote, most men are missing the kinds of things you learn about women only when you are friends with them, only when you treat them as people, as equals, as peers, not as problems to be solved, rulers to be dethroned, locks to slide keys into and open. Awesome. Elaborate on that, the importance that it's okay to get quote unquote friend zone. And actually, you should be friends with women.

Starting point is 00:31:19 Please talk about that. Yeah. I mean, I think so much of who I am and I explore this in the chapter, but so much of who I am as a person and so many of the good things that have happened to me in my life, I can trace either directly or indirectly to friendships I've had with women. And, you know, in terms of them helping me sort of learn who I am, in terms of them helping me learn things about women and about gender and about the world happen in kind of a very sort of female friendship kind of coded way which is not something that can't happen you know in friendships between guys but it's stuff that often doesn't happen in friendships between guys um in terms of being able to get vulnerable with each other,

Starting point is 00:32:25 being able to talk to each other about sort of the real stuff that you're struggling with, being able to talk to each other about the friendship itself. And so like, hey, it makes me feel like X when you do this thing or like I wish we hung out a little bit more, stuff like that. And that's hard to do, you know, because we're taught not to do that. If you're a socialized male, if you grow up as a guy, you are taught at every turn, you know, don't do things like that. Don't sort of allow other guys

Starting point is 00:32:56 to see you being vulnerable. And, you know, that's all well and good if all you want to do is, you know, just bro down with people, but it does really hamper you if you ever want to have a more meaningful relationship. So there's another chapter about specifically about male friendships, but this one, I think, you know, I feel like if I could give like any piece of advice to young guys or teens or tweens, even it's like, don't be afraid of being friends with women, you know, because that will teach you so much about the world that you're just not going to get from only having male friendships. Um, you know, and, and, you know, per your podcast,

Starting point is 00:33:37 it'll just legitimately give you a leg up in the dating world because you will understand women better. You'll understand why they're acting the way they are better and you'll understand what they want better. And frankly, you'll be someone that they will want more because you have those understandings. Absolutely. One of the things I help men with is stay out of the quote friend zone when they really want to date a woman and make some sparks happen on a date. At the same time, if that doesn't happen, then it's not at all, it's not a consolation prize. It can be a gift to have that woman become a friend or an acquaintance. Because guess what? She has single friends.

Starting point is 00:34:20 Guess what? You can, and if you're a young man, I know your book is aimed more at maybe younger men. And if you don't have a lot of experience with female friends, that's going to be way more valuable than a bunch of bros probably being able to connect with a woman as a friend, even if she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. She's going to have single friends. You're going to be able to connect with the feminine energy that women tend to put out in the world. And it's nothing the friend zone is nothing to be afraid of. Yeah, I think it's like it's one of those things where, you know, if you have this perspective, like, oh, like someone wanted to be friends with me when I am attracted to them is like an insult to me, you know, and it makes me look weak and pathetic or whatever. You're coming at it from a totally like unhealthy angle. You know, like the idea basically the underlying assumption there is like the only

Starting point is 00:35:15 thing that a woman is good for is, is as a sexual sort of conquest or whatnot or, or romantic one, but regardless, you know, it, it completely devalues their personhood. Um, and then, yeah, like if all your friends are guys, I feel like, you know, people make a lot of noise about like, I don't know, uh, echo chambers or whatever. I'm like, if all your friends are guys, you're going to be hearing very similar perspectives on, you know, dating stuff. And if you're a straight guy, like you're sort of in an echo chamber, you're going to be missing out on a lot.

Starting point is 00:35:55 Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love.

Starting point is 00:36:37 He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can Confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. Yeah, one of my best friends, her name is Becky. We've been great friends for for over 10 years we met on a dating app and we

Starting point is 00:37:25 basically friend zoned each other after one or two dates and we said i think we're like brother and sister yeah and she's been one of the most important people in my life and and me and hers i'm glad we friend right exactly congratulations no i had a similar experience on a dating app last year where i met someone went on a few dates we really clicked but i was just like this is not this is not a romantic sexual thing at all this is we're just pals and uh since then she's met my partner and like i'm in an open relationship she's met my partner and they've hung out and like now we're all friends and it's just like this is a really nice uh i don't know it's a really nice way for that story to to end or friends and it's just like, this is a really nice, uh, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:38:05 It was a really nice way for that story to, to, to end or whatever. So it's a wonderful addition to our lives, um, that only can happen if you're capable of. Cool. There's one more chapter I want to ask you about. I love this chapter title. A lot of really fun counterintuitive chapter titles. And, uh, one of the last is, you're not a real man if

Starting point is 00:38:26 you act like a woman. But again, you're not the quote, you're not a real man if you is X'd out. So really, you're saying, act like a woman. Very, not something you hear very often in the world of advice for men in the area of women dating or just self-development as a person. What do you mean by that? Act like a woman. Well, that chapter specifically is talking more about the professional world, I guess. And the way that a lot of what we're seeing in recent years in academia, especially, and now it's sort of getting into the professional world is that, you know, women are the go-getters. Uh, women are sort of the driven sort of successful ones. And a lot of men are just

Starting point is 00:39:14 kind of like, no, um, and you know, people are scratching their heads about it. People who research into this kind of stuff are like, what's going on with guys? Why don't they care about being successful? Why don't they care about being invested? Why don't they care about sort of going the extra mile and getting promoted and that kind of stuff? And I'm like, I feel like we've done a little flip around here in gender terms. In terms of now, it's very natural for women to be bosses. And I don't know, like one of the people I quote in the book basically said, like, men are a gender that has I don't remember the exact phrasing, but like they they they no longer sort of associate themselves with like success and with effort and with striving, which isn't true across the board,

Starting point is 00:40:06 but it's shocking to hear anyone even say that, you know, after looking at like some data on the situation. So, you know, my sense is like, look, if being successful and working hard and trying to get promoted or going after your dreams or whatever is now a sort of somewhat feminine coded trait then men you know many to to stop shying away from it basically yeah be a girl boss boys awaken your awaken your inner girl boss i was just gonna say a sentence i never thought i'd hear in this context go be a girl boss. I was just going to say a sentence I never thought I'd hear in this context. Go be a girl boss. That's going to help you in your career. No, there's real truth in that. I

Starting point is 00:40:53 love that. And to kind of segue back to dating or socializing in general, but having career success is very important for people who want that, of course. And it doesn't hurt on a date to talk about the cool job you have and how much you love it. But to segue a little bit toward dating here, that chapter title really resonated with me. Because I had a chapter in my book that my editor said, probably don't want to publish this, which was basically what straight men can learn from gay men about how there are really great lessons to learn from women or in the last chapter of my book, men who identify as gay, because I just thought, oh, wow, you know what? I was at the gay pride parade in New York City and I was just looking around and the men marching in it, most of whom were gay, were just so expressive and unstifled and themselves so authentic and really just in touch with who they are. Some of them were actually pretty masculine,

Starting point is 00:41:55 although there were also plenty of your more feminine gay men. But anyway, I think there are ways to find some lessons. A straight young man or man of any age can look at women or even gay men and say, hey, what lessons can I learn from this group of people to help me essentially grow as a man? So I just love that you learn that from women. Yeah, no, I completely agree. And I think, you know, it's sort of it comes back to that, that echo chamber or whatever, like one of the other chapters is about like the bro code and and the idea that like, if you spend, if you only spend time in all male spaces, sort of only listening to male perspectives, and only sort of being close with men, you lose out on stuff. And, you know, I think you're, you're totally right.

Starting point is 00:42:47 The, you know, that, you know, like, like we were saying earlier, you know, humans are complex creatures. And I think like, speaking to that, you have so much to gain from looking around and taking stuff in and being open-minded. And I think that kind of guy, the open-minded guy, the thoughtful guy is very attractive in a dating context. One of my best friends, this is years ago when I first started working on my dating life. One of my best friend at the time was a gay guy, gay man. And I would bring him up on dates. And I remember talking about him

Starting point is 00:43:26 and how we would go on. We called them big gay road trips. It's an inside joke we had. We would go on golf trips together. And we called them, quote, big gay road trips. That joke was approved by him. Anyway, and women would just laugh and crack up. And I could see them like me talking about that, sharing that part. And it was like, I now I'm kind of thinking about that through the lens of your book, thinking that was maybe that was me showing that, hey, I'm comfortable and confident enough in myself to say, yeah, I hang out. I go on road trips with my gay buddy. But I also do my guy stuff too.

Starting point is 00:44:02 It's who I am. Take it or leave it. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. with my gay buddy, but I also do my guy stuff too. It's who I am. Take it or leave it. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. And I think that kind of open-mindedness, like I said, is sexy, you know, not just because, I don't know, being a bigot is not sexy, but also because it projects this confidence, you know, like I feel like a lot of the time, you know, bigotry is associated with fear or whatever. It's like, you're afraid of the other and the time you know bigotry is associated with fear or whatever it's like you're afraid of the other and you you know you you haven't done any research and you you know you

Starting point is 00:44:30 have all these preconceptions or whatever and it's like the open-mindedness comes from like i don't know being unafraid to explore and to look into stuff and and to let people you know be who they are and knowing that that doesn't take anything away from you. And that's, you know, it just feels like it's associated with, I don't know, a much more kind of self-confident, self-aware worldview that I think, you know, is genuinely sexy. Well said. Okay, a couple final talking points here and then we can wrap up.

Starting point is 00:45:04 I would love to play a fun little game here that we do on the podcast called Factor Fiction. So I'm going to say a dating truism that at least I've heard many times, and I'd love for you to say, hey, that's a fact or that's fiction, or maybe it's somewhere in between, and then elaborate if you would. You game? Okay. All right, let's do do it here's the first one single women want to date an alpha male or a quote bad boy fact or fiction i would say nuanced um you know i'd be lying if i said fiction because there are a lot of women who do um Does that mean that it's all women? No.

Starting point is 00:45:47 And does it mean that that's the guy that, you know, that's the only kind of guy that these women want to date? No. And does that mean that it's the kind of guy that these women want to settle down with? Not necessarily either. So, you know, yes, it's true that that kind of guy can be very attractive. But the idea that that's the only attractive guy out there, or that, you know, all women are into that guy, that's complete nonsense. And I think a lot of guys get in their heads about, you know, about this, like, oh, like,

Starting point is 00:46:21 if I don't, I'm not that guy guy then how am i going to have dating success and it's like you know it's completely illogical it's like saying oh if i don't have a submarine how am i going to get to another country it's like yeah there's planes there's trains there's you know like there's you know it's like i guess like a submarine could be a way to do it but that's really not the best one probably and far from the only one. So yeah, I would say like there's a kernel. A kernel of truth. Yeah. There's a kernel of truth. Absolutely. My view on that is,

Starting point is 00:47:01 is there are certain traits that the quote alpha male and bad boy possess that is attractive to a lot of women. And you can be a nice guy. You can be a non-toxic nice guy who can show some of the similar traits and essentially hijack the bad boy moves, but still be a good man and still not be somebody you aren't. You know, leadership, decisiveness, unfiltered. One of the bad boy traits is, oh, he just says whatever is on his mind. There's a way you can be more unfiltered that can be very attractive to women without being some kind of toxic alpha douchebag. Right. Like you can be unfiltered and be unafraid to say like how you're feeling as opposed to unfiltered and say like,raid to say like how you're feeling as opposed to unfiltered and say like i think immigrants are bad and evil you know right right uh yeah in other words don't go out for a

Starting point is 00:47:52 month and be an asshole like i tried once but it was a good lesson it was a good lesson you may find yourself covered in ice water but yes beware you might. You might get a glass of a pitcher of ice water poured down your back. Okay, next one. Fact or fiction? Women, generally women think it's creepy or weird to be approached by men they don't know. Fact or fiction? Or somewhere in between? I would say closer to fact. I would say definitely not in every context, not every woman, but I think the conversation on like approaching people in public, if you don't know them and there's not like a context for that approach has changed significantly in the past 10 years. Um, and I think women are much more likely to be a, to be on guard and B to, to not be willing to play along. Um, if a guy goes up to them, you know, it just kind of starts like trying to hit on them. I think, you know, I think like

Starting point is 00:49:03 online dating has kind of replaced that or replaced the need for that entirely. Like you can meet people now in an explicitly dating context without just sort of randomly going up to someone and being very likely labeled a creep or just annoying possibly. Okay. So I would say, you know. Sometimes, often, a fact. A strong majority of the time is my sense. I agree. Women don't want to be approached and hit on by creepy men.

Starting point is 00:49:41 I think a reasonable number of single women don't mind being charmingly flirted with and talked to by men of value who are social and maybe aren't putting some hardcore approach moves on them. And some women, some women might not even want that. And it's a case by case basis. That's my take. I think like, yeah, I mean i mean context it also depends on context you

Starting point is 00:50:07 know like uh i feel like you know you can go up someone at a at a friend's party or whatever who you never met before and start talking to them and that's vastly different than going up someone at the grocery store um you know it's like oh like if you're somewhere where, you know, your presence there sort of is likely to imply that you've been vouched for or whatever, that means that, you know, you're, you're, you're not coming with the likelihood that you'll come across as creepy as significantly lower. Whereas like, you know, anyone gets into a grocery store, you could really, you know, who knows who you could be. Very, very true. Okay. One more factor fiction. Women tend to be attracted to men of mystery. um i would say i would say fiction um i think there is an appeal

Starting point is 00:51:09 to a mysterious man for some women in some cases um and i think it's another one of those things where like the the slight kernel of truth there has led to guys like going way too far in that direction and you know purveyors of bad dating advice sort of pushing way too hard on that and being like oh like you have to be you know hyper mysterious or whatever and it's like look it's definitely possible to annoy someone by talking about yourself too much that's that's factual um but the idea that like you should be intentionally withholding from someone and you should be trying to create an aura of mystery or whatever uh that's not going to work on someone who has self-respect you know and it probably won't work

Starting point is 00:51:57 uh on lots of people even who you know have self-esteem issues, frankly. Um, I don't know. Uh, I don't, I don't say that as a winning dating strategy to sort of cultivate an aura of mystery. Like there's definitely, you know, instances where you can say like, I don't know if I'm comfortable telling you that right now about like, uh, I don't know, a very personal thing or whatever, if you're on a first date or pre first date or whatever. But the idea that, you know, intentionally holding stuff back is useful. It's like, okay, well, what if the relationship turns into something, then you just have this kind of, yeah, setup where you're, you know, where the dynamic is, you withhold stuff from someone, you know, like, whereas a healthy

Starting point is 00:52:40 relationship is all about communication and openness and honesty. So I don't know. I think that's definitely a toxic approach. I agree. I mean, I think, of course, you can overshare. You can be too vulnerable and open on a date. But with men, I think the problem is most of them aren't doing that. They're probably erring more on being safe or possibly following outdated dating advice like play it cool, don't give away too much make her

Starting point is 00:53:07 chase and my view is we want to be way more toward that open authentic more of an open book to see if she likes reading your book and if she likes a chap that first chapter of the first date she'll probably want to keep reading um but there we go but uh only one way to find out okay let's finish with um what i call three game changing tips this is how i've been ending the pod this might be tough for you it's tough in the sense that you've how many dating tips do you think you've written or edited in your life is it thousands that is a fascinating question probably honestly i think like a more like i've edited probably more dating tips than i've written um but definitely i would say more than a hundred

Starting point is 00:53:53 okay multi-hundreds very likely yeah yeah go ahead three tips what do you got put your weapons down oh tell me more about what you might that is i feel like so many guys go into dating with this kind of sense of like this is like a battle of the sexes kind of thing like straight guys kind of go into these contexts seeing this as like a fight almost um you know like i don't know like we're sort of in you know like if you if you grow up as a guy you're sort of you know and and you are attracted to women they're so often painted as the enemy um and that kind of gives whatever interactions you're having in a dating context like a kind of a potentially toxic quality. Like if you see them as, you know, like I, uh, as you, as you sort of quoted me from

Starting point is 00:54:52 the book as a problem to solve or whatever, you know, like if you see this as a, an inherently antagonistic, uh, activity, you are kind of dooming yourself from the start. So when I say pull your weapons down, I mean, like, go into this, you know, in high spirits with a sort of positive frame of mind and sort of treat, I don't know, potential miscommunications, you know, with, like, the best pot, you know, like, assume good intentions on the part of the other person you know like yeah go in uh as a peaceful mission right um you know rather than being on guard immediately for like oh like you know this person's trying to screw me over or like i have to act like a dick or whatever you know it's sort of like game theory mentality almost uh where it's it's

Starting point is 00:55:46 like you know if you trust each other that's where the best outcomes happen yeah i mean it's don't go in with your no i love that uh it's i mean it's been almost 20 years since the book the game came out and it's so outdated now but still there are a lot of men who are still thinking of thinking of dating as I have to lower her esteem or, or win the frame and, or, you know, get my, shoot my weapons at her.

Starting point is 00:56:13 And it's just so not like that. Unless you're doing a paintball as a date, then you do need to use your paintball weapon. But that's, that's the exact, exactly. Don't put your weapons down prematurely. Cause if she agrees to a paintball date, then she probably is into the competitiveness. Yeah, I approve that one. Great. I love that are unique about you and that possibly, I don't know,

Starting point is 00:56:47 you see as making you less dateable will make you that much more dateable for someone who's right for you. It might make you less dateable for the general population, but you're not trying to date the general population. You want to find the people who are most likely to bring you happiness, whether that's, you know, just one person for the rest of your life or you're non-monogamous and you're seeing a handful of people or whatever, you know, it doesn't matter what 90 plus percent of the population thinks about you in a dating context. You're looking for, you know, the people that you will work with, that will work with you, who will be right for you. And for those people, the things that make you unique or weird or less dateable to everyone else will make you that much more dateable to

Starting point is 00:57:30 those people. So you need to recognize that, you know, whether it's, you know, quirks or whether it's like niche hobbies or whether it's like, you know, even like a mental illness or whatever. Like there are other people who also have that mental illness. There are other people who also have those quirks or those hobbies or, you know, who are compatible with those things. And so rather than developing a complex where you feel like, oh, like no one can possibly like me because I have, you know, this whatever trait or whatever going like someone is going to like me even more because of this trait and having that confidence.

Starting point is 00:58:09 Can I jump in and ask, jump in and ask you in your dating history, can you give an example of how you applied that idea or how it arose organically when in your in your dating life? Sure. Yeah. I don't know like I feel like you know a lot of the people for instance like I'm non-binary and so that means that I have you know what that means for me anyway is that I have a very strong feminine side a lot of women aren't into people like that, people like me. Bisexual women are totally into that, you know, because if you're capable of being attracted to sort of masculine and feminine traits to begin with, then, you know, why wouldn't you be attracted to both of them in the same person? So, you know, recognizing like, oh, I didn't I don't need to hide like my feminine aspects. I just need to find the people for whom that's also an attractive feature. Um, and I have been very rarely single, uh, for the entirety of my adult life. Uh, so I can't complain.

Starting point is 00:59:19 That's great. I love it. Yeah. I've begun coaching men who are some some identify as bisexual, some identify as non binary. And I've noticed the power of putting that real self out there, including something that is going to be polarizing, right? Like, this is me, I'm a very feminine person, I'm XYZ identification. And some people are going to be like, whoa, no thanks. Totally fine. But the people who are going to be really drawn to that, then you're going to hopefully find someone who's really good fit for you. And they love the fact that you are this thing that's a little bit maybe different than others. And yeah, one of my old coaches used to say, if you can't fix it, feature it. Not that this is something that should be fixed, of course, but it's, you can turn something that you used to think of as a, as a flaw into a feature and really lean into it. And it can actually become a great strength.

Starting point is 01:00:17 Absolutely. Okay. Okay. Final tip. Yes, sir. Go ahead. Kick, kick the beauty habit. Go on. Tell me more.

Starting point is 01:00:27 I feel like young guys are so socialized to only look for, you know, the hottest women out there. You know, like according to like a very narrow spectrum of what is beautiful. And it's just like, you know, magazine cover women, women who are like in the music videos, porn stars, models, that kind of stuff. And it's like, that is a very tiny percentage of the population. And even those people don't look like that unless they've had a lot of makeup put on them

Starting point is 01:00:57 and a lot of Photoshop. You know, like that though, you've been exposed to all these pictures and videos of, of like, completely unattainable standards. And it's understanding, it's understandable that like that has impacted how you're attracted to people. But like, my God, you need to recognize that that is, you know, not a realistic, like goal in a dating context. Um, and you need to start looking for, I don't know, the beauty in like real people, um, which I think like can take some training to do. Like, you know, it sort of requires you to unlearn a little bit and to retrain your brain to find the beauty in like actual normal people. But I just feel like, um, I don don't know like guys are so kind of like taught to go after these you know this extremely small slice of the dating pie and then sort of you know like oh like i'm looking for a 10 or whatever and then and then they sort of they

Starting point is 01:01:58 treat anyone who's not that kind of worse as a result you know and they feel comfortable kind of talking down to or sort of being a jerk to someone that's like they see as a seven or whatever and it's like we're all people you know like this person is not worth 70 of that person right and you are doing yourself and everyone else at just grievous by kind of over prioritizing this very narrow, very unrealistic beauty standards, uh, in a dating context. Um, and it's preventing you from sort of looking for, I don't know, the beauty in people that you can sort of only see when you get to know them a little bit. And you know, and to your point, maybe to, I, bring a point back that you make in your book, what I learned when I was out meeting different women is I might have not been as physically attracted to some women, at least when I saw her profile. And then I thought, well, let me go out and meet her and see what the vibe is like.

Starting point is 01:02:58 And when I started to really get in touch with my authentic and often feminine side, all of a sudden that woman became beautiful inside and out to me. And I could, such a cliche, the inner beauty, but I was able to tap in and see that inner beauty because I was more channeled into my feminine side in addition to my masculine side, which is also there. And all of a sudden i realized whoa i some scales have fallen from my eyes there's there's beautiful women of all shapes and sizes and essentially they literally became more physically attracted attractive to me once i saw that inside yeah yeah i think like i don't know and that's why I say like, you know, it feels like a habit that you can kick, like you can get out of this mentality and start sort of seeing people

Starting point is 01:03:50 differently. But it does require it can require a little bit of work. But I think like the potential benefits are that you'll end up having much more satisfying, and maybe more you know like more in number uh relationships yeah i mean don't get me wrong don't get me wrong it would help if a guy was a 10 out of 10 stud like me um but not every man is the redheaded brat like i am so keep trying fellows keep trying no i look i look like i look like the forgotten weasley brother that's what i look like anyway i'm the one and i just want to add one more yeah yeah yeah which is which is you know like this over focus on looks like sort of guys also apply it to themselves you know know, and, and get all in their heads about like, I'm not attractive enough or whatever, you know, and like the incel movement is all like,

Starting point is 01:04:49 well, because I don't have like the Brad Pitt chin or whatever, uh, you know, like I'm, I'm, I don't have a chance. And as a result, they sort of develop like unhealthy ideas about, about women and about relationships. And it's just like, you know, you know, like, again, like when I, when I, when I look at all the people in relationships, I know in hetero relationships, I'm like the, the guys who are in like happy, loving relationships are the nice guys. It's not the guys with the great, you know, bone definition or whatever. You can kind of look like all kinds of stuff, you know, so long as whatever, you can kind of look like all kinds of stuff. You know, so long as you know how to take care of your body to some degree, you know,

Starting point is 01:05:29 how to dress to some degree, like, and, and the, you know, the way you look isn't representative of having no self-esteem and no kind of awareness, like whatever you're actually working with, you can make it work in a dating contract. Absolutely. Last thing I'll say is, to your point, there's an improv coach. I love, I do improv. I love doing improv comedy. And there's an improv coach I know, I won't name him, but he looks exactly like George Costanza from Seinfeld. And if George Costanza from Seinfeld was incredibly confident and comfortable with who he is, and he has a cool, beautiful inside and out wife.

Starting point is 01:06:09 And I'm just thinking, yeah, you don't need to look like Brad Pitt. You can look like Brad Garrett and it'd be just fine. It's doable. Alex, thank you so much. Well, first of all, thank you for writing this book. It's really a great read. and I can't compliment it enough. Also, just thanks for coming on and talking. Again, if you want to learn more about Alex, you can go to alexmanley.com,

Starting point is 01:06:37 and you can get his book on Amazon. You can get it on his website or be linked to where to get it on Alex's website. And he's got, they have a lot of great content and tips on askmen.com. About a million tips that Alex has written or edited over the years. It's all on askmen.com. Thank you so much for being here. It was, it was a real treat. Thank you so much,

Starting point is 01:07:01 Connell. Okay. That's the episode for today. Until next episode, remember, be authentic because women already like you. They just have to meet the real you. Until next time, guys. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies? Go to datingtransformation.com.

Starting point is 01:07:26 See you next time.

How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Be a Better Man, Featuring Alex Manley, author of “The New Masculinity”

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