How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How To Be a Confident Man

Starting point is 00:00:00 Good looks are overrated with women, and humor is underrated. I mean, if you can make a woman laugh, she's going to find you sexier than Brad Pitt, even if you look like Brad Garrett. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Hey, welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett, helping you gain confidence, learn to flirt,

Starting point is 00:00:32 and find an amazing girlfriend, all by being authentic, the real you. Today I'm psyched because by the time you're done listening to this episode, you're gonna be rejection-proof. That's right, you're gonna learn tons of tips, both from myself and my guest about how to, how to rejection proof your dating life. And here's how I want you to think of rejection. Um, a lot of guys come to me and they say, I don't know, man, I want to approach that girl or I want to ask her out.

Starting point is 00:01:05 But I'm just I want to go for the kiss. Right. Going for the kiss, approaching a woman, asking for a number. There are all these moments when you in dating where we have to put a romantic card on the table. And you likely feel scared at times. Right. Oh, what if what if my first kiss gets rejected? What if she doesn't give me her number? What if I approach and she thinks I'm creepy or she says, go away?

Starting point is 00:01:35 And I get it. I've been there. I wrote the book on it, literally. I used to be so afraid of rejection. So I'm gonna give, two mindset tips to kick things off. And then we'll get to Shane and James, who I'm really psyched about. So here are your two mindset tips. First of all, you want to remind yourself that there is no such thing as rejection in dating. I should say in the courtship phase of dating, right? Approaching, texting, matching on

Starting point is 00:02:07 apps. There's no such thing as rejection. Now, there's information. There's, hey, you're not my type. Maybe you approach a woman. She's not into it. Maybe her grandmother just died. Maybe her dog just died. Maybe she's in a relationship. Maybe she's married to a woman and doesn't like boys. All perfectly fine. Don't think of it as rejection. Think of it as information. A woman who barely knows you can't reject you. Literally, she can't reject you as a person. She might reject sort of the fit, but she's not rejecting you. Now, if your wife or girlfriend of five years sits you down one day and says, honey, I never loved you. You have a tiny penis and I'm leaving you for Ryan Phillippe. Okay, that is rejection. I will join you at the bar to have some drinks and have have us cry in your beer but a woman after a first date an approach a text

Starting point is 00:03:13 that doesn't get returned back that's not rejection that's just information okay so that's gonna help you get over this you You know, whenever a woman's not into me, I just basically remind myself, oh, hey, I'm the Beatles and she wants the Stones. The Beatles are the greatest band ever. I'm cool being the Beatles. If she's more of a Stones girl, that's totally fine. So that's one thing I wanted to share. And the other tip is, second mindset tip is, rejection only feels really bad if you interpret, quote that you're not enough, that you're just not attractive. Women don't like you. You're not that guy who girls go for. That is really, think of rejection like a Pandora's box, right? Rejection opens the box and then the box lets out some kind of big, bad, scary spirit, right?

Starting point is 00:04:29 Oh my God, I'm not good enough. I'm not attractive. I'm going to be alone. It's all bullshit. It's a bullshit story you tell yourself. I know this because I told myself this story for 36, 37 years before I got my dating life together. There is no such thing as rejection. A woman is just saying, hey, you're not for me. But remind yourself, whenever that happens, remind yourself,

Starting point is 00:04:53 hey, I'm more than enough for lots of women. Because, and then you want to give yourself evidence. Find reasons why you're attractive. You're enough. And then, quote unquote, rejection won't hurt. And after a while, you won't. And then quote unquote rejection won't hurt. And after a while, you won't even think of it as rejection. You'll just think of it as information or, oh, hey, she's a Stones girl. I'm a Beatles guy. Let it be, to quote Paul McCartney. Cool. It took me six episodes before I started quoting the Beatles. Excellent. Okay, let's get to Shana James. Shana James is about to join us after the break, and she's going to help you make your confidence and your love life rejection-proof. She hosts an awesome podcast

Starting point is 00:05:38 called The Man Alive Podcast, and she's going to give you some really good anti-rejection tips. Stand by. Come back after the break, and we're going to give you some really good anti-rejection tips. Stand by, come back after the break, and we're going to talk to Shaina James. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today

Starting point is 00:06:32 to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self. So you can make authentic, romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you.

Starting point is 00:07:08 Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients, so book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. Okay, welcome back. And I am really psyched to have with me a very special guest here during launch week of the Dating Transformation podcast. Her name is Shaina James.

Starting point is 00:07:42 For nearly 20 years, Shaina James has coached more than a thousand men and women, leaders, CEOs, and those with big visions to find love, rekindle that spark, and create a legacy, and be personally inspired and fulfilled. Sign me up for that. With a master's in psychology and more than a decade running workshops on man and woman dynamics and authentic communication, as well as mindfulness, Shana's range of skills supports all areas of life. And she's also the host of a really great podcast called The Man Alive Podcast, which has 317 five-star ratings and counting. I can only hope to get there years from now. To find out more, go to shanajamescoaching.com.

Starting point is 00:08:29 That's S-H-A-N-A, jamescoaching.com. Shana, thank you so much for being here. I'm so happy to be here, and congratulations for launching your podcast. This is so exciting. I am very psyched. I definitely wanted to have you here during the very first week. So thank you for being here because you have a lot to say and a lot of wisdom to share with men. And I'm going to ask you about your personal journey in a second. We're going to get

Starting point is 00:08:55 to that for sure. But first I want to start with something that I just saw. I watched your TEDx talk. You have a TED talk called, you have a TED talk called what a thousand men's tears reveal about the crisis between men and women. And you said something in that TED talk that just hit me like right in the gut as a, as a dating coach, he's always trying to help men sort of find that what I call the higher self. You said essentially your, your TED talk is about the power of vulnerability and how it can help sort of unlock a man's kingliness. You said, quote, you can rest into your sovereignty as a man.

Starting point is 00:09:32 You become kingly. And I just love that metaphor, that image. Can you share a little bit more about that talk and what you meant by that? Yeah. I'm just going back to that moment. Well, I think a lot of men have an idea that, of course, so it's not every single moment I'm feeling totally confident. That to me feels like a false aspiration. But ultimately, I trust myself. I trust myself to handle whatever comes my way. I trust myself to be loving and kind and supportive. I trust myself to actually receive the love that's coming toward me.

Starting point is 00:10:27 Those are some of the things that I think of when I think of kingly and sovereign. Beautiful. And there was also another moment from that podcast, forgive me, your TED Talk that really struck me. You told a story about being at a workshop with 20 or so men and women, and a man got teary-eyed and said, when I came here, I didn't want to be here. I felt like I was in a lot of pain. I didn't even know if I wanted to go on. And then his vulnerability seemed to transform him in that moment. Can you, again, can you tell us why that moment was so powerful for you to put that in your talk? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:12 I mean, it just tore my heart open because he had said, I was at a point in my life where I didn't even know if I wanted to be alive anymore. And the love and support that we all, but especially the women brought to him, he said, brought him back. You know, it was like I recognized, oh my God, the power of my love, especially related to men. You know, sometimes I think of it like a man in the olden days, or I think it's in the myths where like men go off to war and then they come back and there are these women who welcome them back into society, but there's a transition point. It's like they get to be loved and held and release some of that just awful pain and

Starting point is 00:11:52 everything they're going through from their body, from their souls, so that they can go back into life with their partners and their families and not be carrying around. Like we know, you know, a lot of our veterans are just carrying around this anguish and pain and the suicide rate is incredibly high. So something, some, it was like a zing, like a soul calling in that moment of, I could love men in ways that they don't often get. And that could could you know open them to want to be alive and want to be generous and to get to receive more love like it just yeah it was amazing

Starting point is 00:12:34 fantastic uh okay i want to go a little bit back in time to the Shana James Marvel movie, the Shana James story. And I want to learn a bit about your origin story. What was the moment or the period of your life when you said, I need to become a coach and I'm going to help men be more vulnerable, help men and women connect with each other as you call yourself a translator between men and women. We all need that. Take us back to your origin story. How did you begin? Well, there are a couple. One is in my childhood and, you know, continuing the relationship that I see between my parents is painful. And my dad takes a lot of heat from my mom. You know, she's, she, what I can say about the dynamic that I've learned, right, is like the,

Starting point is 00:13:35 the more women, the more, because it can start either way, what came first, the chicken or the egg, right? But it's like, okay, if a man starts to lose himself or just become less present, less awake, less aware, women get more angry and vice versa. If a woman gets more angry and bitchy and naggy, then men start to fade away. So I watched that dynamic my whole life. And as I look back, I'm like, oh, that's the origin story, right? You know, how can I save my dad? Or how can I support men to not have to fade away in order to survive, but actually thrive? And I look back to high school and I was always, middle school and high school, I was always friends with all the boys who everyone thought were super nerdy and they just wouldn't talk to them. And somehow I was like, I don't know, I just loved, I just loved them.

Starting point is 00:14:24 But the moment that I started coaching men was really that moment that you just asked about. You know, I was part of an intentional community at that point in my 20s. And we were making, I talked about this in the TEDx talk, we were making lots of messes. But, you know, we're talking about attraction and frustration. And when we got upset with each other and jealousy. And the men who started this workshop where that moment happened that you asked me about, that was the moment where I was intending to go on and work with women and coach women or be a therapist for women. And in that moment, it was like, okay, I'm doing this with men. And I, you know, I subsequently created programs for women too. But eventually at some point it was just like, oh my God, my soul's calling is to work with men. I love how you gave a shout out to nerds because I'm a card carrying nerd. So many men,

Starting point is 00:15:27 most of my clients are quote unquote nerds. And I mean, nerds with love, by the way. Awesome. Not, we were not the quarterback of the football team in college or high school. We were not going on lots of dates or in my case, zero dates in high school and college. But we have a lot to offer. What do you say to the quote nerd, the introvert, the nice guy who just isn't really in touch with his worthiness to women? What would you say to that guy to give him a pat on the back, help him out?

Starting point is 00:15:58 I would say I love your heart and I think you're amazing and thank you for being you know so respectful and trying to do it right and trying to be kind and loving and not be you know that that asshole version of toxic masculine

Starting point is 00:16:15 that you see out there thank you thank you thank you and you know we also want your

Starting point is 00:16:22 we want you to feel alive and lit up and turned on and I don't want you to have alive and lit up and turned on. And I don't want you to have to hide or stuff any of that. I want you to get to experience it and have the full range of you and to get to play with that. So let's turn those parts on. So in my book, Shaina, I have a sort of a love letter to nerds because a client named Ken,

Starting point is 00:16:47 who I used to work with, came to me and he had just never had any dates. He'd had some dates, but he'd never even kissed a woman, hadn't really had a girlfriend. And we worked together. And over the course of a long weekend where I taught him about being more authentic and being vulnerable and sort of letting his nerd flag fly high. He ended up just having an incredible weekend of going out to socialize with women and even got his very first kiss. We were standing on a rooftop and he walked over to a really attractive woman. And I look over and all of a sudden they're making out. And he's actually standing on his toes, standing on his tiptoes because she's about three inches taller than he was. And I remember thinking,

Starting point is 00:17:29 oh my God, I'm looking at a man have his very first kiss of his life. And it's something I've never knowingly seen. Anyway, that's a favorite success story from back in the day for me. What about you? When you think back to clients you've helped, really helped have a great change in their relationships or their dating life, what's a success story that just makes you smile? I love those moments. And first of all, I'm just so grateful that you are a man out there teaching that, you know, authenticity is awesome and sexy. And that just, just warms my heart um so yeah you know similarly watching men who have been turned down and have been seen as a friend and you know all of that like I had a guy who went to the grocery store with his son and his son was like dad I think that woman's following

Starting point is 00:18:23 you around you know and another one who's like another one with a kid who was like, Dad, I think that woman's following you around. You know, and another one who's like, another one with a kid who was like, Dad, that woman's staring at you from across the restaurant. Like, what is happening? And, you know, another man who had never been picked up by a woman before. Like, he was always the one to, you know, ask or like he was married for a really long time. And so he hadn't even dated for 20 years and women hadn't been paying attention to him for years and he was trying to date. It wasn't really working. And then this woman approached him on the dance floor and started dancing with him. And then, you know, it was like, do you want to have sex with me? And she was gorgeous. It was like just amazing to see, oh, especially men who feel a little more quiet or introverted or unsure of themselves to have them kind of pop.

Starting point is 00:19:13 And it's not like they don't have to become assholes. I think a lot of it's just sinking deeper into themselves and finding that place of clarity and confidence and I matter and, you know, and then watching women just respond in a completely different way. It's amazing. I've, I've, I've had a lot of dating experiences. I've never had a woman just straight up say that to me and I'm a dating coach. So, so well done. Well done. I would love anyone to say that to me. I want to have sex with you. I don't care who said it. I mean, a guy in the street, I'd be like, hey, I'm flattered.

Starting point is 00:19:52 I'm flattered. Thank you. I'm flattered. Yeah. Okay. I want to ask you for some good free tips here. Okay. Because you have a lot of great advice.

Starting point is 00:20:03 You actually have a course. It's, forgive me if I don't get the name perfect, but it's basically how to become rejection proof as a man. I love that title because the big bad wolf for so many men I work with and for the guy listening to this is fear of rejection. So you have a course all about becoming rejection proof. If you would, off the top of your head, what are a couple of tips about becoming more, quote, rejection proof? How do you define rejection? And how do you become rejection proof as a single man?

Starting point is 00:20:34 Yeah, well, my sense of rejection, you know, it's not just about somebody saying no to you, right? Because someone could say no to you and you'd be like, oh, fine, whatever. I didn't, you know, I'm fine. There's like, rejection is what happens when we make it mean something. Oh, I'm not good enough or I'm not, I'm not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough. There's something wrong with me, right? And so one of the things that I really say a lot to men is just because you, like if you want something or you like something and someone else doesn't, let's say a woman doesn't, that doesn't mean you're wrong. It just may mean there's not a fit there, right? And so the tendency is to go making it like, oh, I'm less

Starting point is 00:21:20 than or I'm weird or I'm perverted or any of those things. And the reality is it just may be different. And so one of the tips that I often give men, especially who are dating and starting to date, is that instead of going out there and looking for, is she the one? Is this the one to shift to, oh, I wonder if we are a match. And I wonder what the highest good is for each of us here. And that, that wording might be a little funny to some people. So you can change the wording, right? But it's like, huh, who could I be to you? And who could you be to me? Like we might be lovers. We might be partners. we might be, you know, artist friends, we might play tennis, we might share parenting tips. Like there's no, there's not one way that this date has to go and one track that we have to be on. And when we're trying to force it into that, we lose a lot of that freedom and it becomes more awkward and nervous and I've got to prove

Starting point is 00:22:25 something and I've got to make this go a certain way. And so really that shift to, oh, are we a match or what's the highest good here for each of us takes a lot of that nervousness away and that sense of rejection away. I love that. It changes the frame it changes the frame from, will I get rejected to, are we just a good fit as two people? Yeah. And that latter question is such a much more empowering question than, will she like me? Am I good enough? Yeah. It's so, it's so, it's such a, it's an understandable question for men to ask. Of course. Out in the dating world. I get it. I men to ask of course out in the dating world i get it i used to ask that question myself and me too right but it's such a bad question also yeah yeah yeah to paraphrase well not to quote tony robbins ask a shitty question get a shitty answer yeah so let's ask a better question yeah i love that are we a match yeah the question I like to have guys ask on dates is how can I how can I

Starting point is 00:23:27 connect with her in whatever way maybe it's friends yeah maybe it's how can I make her smile how can I enjoy expressing myself and that takes it away takes away the frame of is she gonna like me or not yes and that's a bad question to ask because if she likes you, great. But if she doesn't, you're setting yourself up for pain. Totally. I love that. Yeah. My feeling is it's not really rejection. Look, if your girlfriend of five years comes down the stairs one morning and says, I've never loved you. You have a small penis. I'm cheating on you with Fabio. Okay. That's rejection. I'll see you at the bar and I'll drink to you. But a couple of dates that don't go just means you're not a good match. I think we're on the same page.

Starting point is 00:24:18 Excellent. Okay. Let's get into some more fun dating tip stuff because I think we all love a good tip. So I'm going to ask you three or four quick kind of short question, short answer. Give us your best. Okay. Are you game? I'm game. Let's do it. Okay, one of the questions I wanted to ask you is,

Starting point is 00:24:37 what would it take for a man to gain attention from a woman without doing anything, even before he says a word. Yay. That's one of my favorite things that I often say to men is like, right, how to be noticed. When you walk in the room before you even say a word. To me, a lot of that is about embodiment. And what I mean by that is not just like, I'm athletic, you know, and I play sports, but I'm actually living in the world, not just through my mind and my interpretations, but I'm actually experiencing the and like, oh, who's over there? That person has, you know, making these interpretations. It's like, I actually feel life and I feel turned on or I feel turned off or I feel like my heart opens or my heart closes, like all, you know, and it's paradoxical because all

Starting point is 00:25:37 of these things are happening. So it's not like only the good ones should be happening, right? We have to actually embrace that both sides of the spectrum or all of the spectrum is going to happen. But for me, what I've seen is that as I support men to know what's happening in their bodies and their emotions, and they become more present, and then also that allows them to notice more what's happening with a woman. So it's like, oh, there's a whole universe over there that now that I can feel her through my whole body instead of just thinking about her through my mind, it has this wild impact because we're like tuning forks.

Starting point is 00:26:19 And so then a woman starts to feel her body, right? Nothing even needs to be said at this point. But she's starting to feel her body open and her heart open as he's feeling that. So yeah, that's one of my favorite things to work with with men is like, okay, let's try it. You know, let's make it happen now. Presence. The keyword I got there was presence. Yeah. A lot of men come to me and i'm sure you hear this what do i say yeah what's the line what do i say when do i say it yeah

Starting point is 00:26:52 right and they want that one size fits all yeah and you there's a quote you said this on your podcast recently and it might be the podcast that just dropped you said said, I'm going to misquote you, but I can't give you an all-purpose line. It's like giving a tall guy short chubby guy pants or a short guy tall man pants. Take that from there, would you? I love that. Yeah. That's funny. I think I said that like 10 or 15 years ago, but I've probably said it a lot since then, right? That like using someone else's lines is like giving a tall man, right? A short stockier man's pants or vice versa. Because if you're trying to be someone you're not, it's not going to fit for you and you're not going to be present and you're not going to be, you know, aware of the woman in front of you. You're kind of reading a script from

Starting point is 00:27:40 inside your mind and therefore you're not really there with her. So that's what women are longing for. I mean, you know, from coaching women and from having many, many girlfriends and having these conversations as we women do, right? Women are longing for a man who can actually be present and connected and loving and also passionate and okay with all of his fire and desire and all of that. I just came up with the perfect pickup line. Ready? Okay. Yeah. Hey, I'm wearing the wrong size pants. I'm wearing another man's pants. Come on. What woman wouldn't at least respond to that? That's funny. Hey, I'm tall, but I'm wearing a fat man's. All right. Like you said, it's not about the words. You know, you can say, I just love the simplicity of like,

Starting point is 00:28:41 how are you? Or, you know, how's your day going? Because if you actually say that with presence and she looks into your eyes and she feels you there with her, that's a show stopper. Right. Last week, so I do in-field, in-person training here in New York City where I take guys out in the town and approaching women and socializing. And I did a drill last week where I showed my client the power of how the words don't matter. As long as you're present and in a good, solid, confident state. I said, okay, name it. We're at a rooftop bar. I said, what's the first word that comes into your mind? He said, pop tarts. I said i said great go over to her and walk up and say pop tarts that's your pickup line he starts laughing he smiles like it was just so so freaking stupid

Starting point is 00:29:32 he thought it was hilarious he walks over he's got a smile on his face he's kind of laughing he taps around the shoulder she turns around he says pop tarts i'm laughing as i say it and she breaks out in laughter like you're doing she's like what? he said pop tarts she's like what are you talking about? he says I like pop tarts she said oh my god I love pop tarts

Starting point is 00:29:53 and all of a sudden they were totally hitting it off the coolest line in the world isn't gonna work if you're in your head if you're stuck if you're wearing the wrong pants but you can say pop tarts if you get in your head, if you're stuck, if you're wearing the wrong pants. But you can say Pop-Tarts if you get into that good zone because it's a sense of presence and a sense of an overall authentic energy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:17 Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all

Starting point is 00:30:53 the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

Starting point is 00:31:41 Are you hungry for Pop-Tarts now? Because I'm really hungry for Pop-Tarts. So funny that my kid came home from camp yesterday and there was for Pop-Tarts now? Because I'm really hungry for Pop-Tarts. So funny that my kid came home from camp yesterday and there was a Pop-Tarts package in the lunch and I was like, you had a Pop-Tart? Because I don't, I used to eat them, but I do not give them to my child because I think they're just disgustingly,

Starting point is 00:31:56 you know, sugary, whatever. I give other sugar, but those I was just like, ugh. But they were so good. I remember like those strawberry ones with the pink frosting and. Right. And that, you know, that's kind of amazing, too. You can go deep from like from anything, any one question you get to go deeper.

Starting point is 00:32:16 And I talk about it as like following the root down instead of leaping from lily pad to lily pad. Like you like Pop-Tarts. Oh, where did you grow up? Oh, how many sisters do you have right like that's so different than oh pop tarts oh what was your favorite memory from your childhood of a pop tart and who were you with right right like you could just you go deeper and deeper into more meaningful conversation right absolutely but it can start with something light and silly yeah instead of thinking like you have to come up with some cool line which does not fit all people no okay next question for you uh what are some of the fundamentals what are some of the fundamentals of authentic

Starting point is 00:32:58 attraction that most men never learn well i would say that embracing awkwardness dissolves awkwardness. And so I think one fundamental, you know, like that awkwardness is a human experience. Most of us are feeling it and often. And so a lot of men I've worked with try to hide that, like, cool, got it together. There's nothing awkward over here. Meanwhile, it's like stilted or stunted or, you know, that kind of frozen. And so I love to say, you know, you can always say, hey, I'm feeling a little awkward in this moment. about you right there's a place that you can say like we were just talking about there's a place you can say anything from that it's actually not awkward right it's not awkward to say you're feeling awkward from a place of recognizing oh

Starting point is 00:33:57 I'm an awesome human being and there's a part of me that's awkward versus oh shit I'm awkward there's something wrong with me she's gonna find out I've got to hide this of me that's awkward versus, oh shit, I'm awkward. There's something wrong with me. She's going to find out. I've got to hide this. Right. So that's the kind of that sovereign place where it's like, oh, there's nothing wrong with me for being awkward. I could talk about it. I could just take some deep breaths and, you know, not mention it. I don't have to mention it. I could go to the bathroom and, you know, take a little break and just take some breaths, whatever. You can do many different things with it. I don't have to mention it. I could go to the bathroom and take a little break and just take some breaths, whatever. You can do many different things with it, but the first key is not making it as though something's wrong with you.

Starting point is 00:34:36 Right. Yeah. I like the idea of leaning into how you're feeling and owning it, even if it's awkward or shy. A big aha moment I had was one of the first times I ever just went up to a really attractive woman at a nightclub and approached her. I was very nervous. And my coach said, what's the most honest, deepest thing you're feeling right now? And I said to him that I'm shy, but I'd love to meet her. She seems like my type. And he said, great, there's your opening line. And I walked over to her and I said, hi, I'm really shy, but I had to meet you. And she cocked her head a little bit and said, oh yeah, right. You're really shy. Hi, I'm Amy. And she thought it was a line. She thought it was in a sense, but she thought it was me being confident even though I was not confident. So just being

Starting point is 00:35:34 congruent with that shyness, awkwardness can actually give you the appearance of owning how you're feeling and you'll come across as a lot more confident. Does that make sense? Totally. Totally. Right. Because you're not shying away from it. You're leaning into it. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Here's a good one. This is a big one. The dreaded friend zone. We get that a lot, right? So my question for you is how can a man overcome those quote, nice guy tendencies and be seen as more than a friend to women? I think a lot of it is what we've been talking about, you know, that it's OK and actually really awesome to be excited and turned on. And I always like to say to men, you can be as turned on, you know, I want you to be as turned on as you can possibly be.

Starting point is 00:36:28 There is nothing offensive about that. What you do with it could be offensive, but you don't have to shut down an ounce of that in your body. And I think that's what happens with a lot of nice guys. It's like, ooh, all right, I'm trying to be kind. I'm trying to be respectful. So I'm going to shut down my internal experience so that women feel safe with me. And then women just feel this kind of deadened feeling. They don't feel safe. They just feel kind of like you're their friend or you're their child or something like that. So I think one of the best ways is to expand, right? Breathe, feel, like let yourself, the embodiment piece, the more you're

Starting point is 00:37:14 aware, I don't know how this happens. Somebody will tell me this someday, but if you're feeling all this energy in your body, but it's like centered in your chest and in your belly, if you start to actually pay attention to your arms and your legs and your body, but it's like centered in your chest and in your belly. If you start to actually pay attention to your arms and your legs and your back, that energy will spread out through you and you can expand like a balloon as opposed to, you know, shrink and try to get rid of it. So I would say, especially for guys who have been the friend, expand, like let yourself feel all that energy and breathe it in and enjoy it and then you know have a conversation from that place as opposed to like being more puckered and trying to to shove it away okay this reminds me of something that i hear from men as i have a new client i'll call him

Starting point is 00:38:08 ted not his name uh your ted talk must be on my mind we'll call him ted his last name is talk ted talk is his name uh no my client ted my client ted he's had a he before he came to me he's been on 150 dates wow and he said last week he had another date his first date while working with me yeah and he went for the kiss on the first date for the first time he's never gone for a first date kiss before nice and this gets in a lot of men's head as a coach and as a woman yeah what's your take on how to go for the first kiss, do's and don'ts? What are your thoughts? Such a great question. Well, where do I want to start with that one? I think I would say if I back up, right, the more you are

Starting point is 00:39:01 at least a little bit sensual, and by that I don't mean sexual, but just like, you know, in your body, whether it's touching her hand or looking into her eyes, or again, it's like not just relating from the intellect. So if the whole time you're experiencing each other, you're on this date and you're, you know, you're feeling like you're, you're emotional, you're laughing, you're present with her, you're touching her a little bit, then the first kiss isn't going to feel like a whole stop change start, right? Like, I remember a guy who I went on a date with years ago, and, you know, he was very, very heady.ady and then at the end he like went in for a kiss and i was like oh it just felt really awkward and then he was like oh i don't get a

Starting point is 00:39:49 kiss and i was like oh that's even worse like that feels just just did not feel connected at all right and um so give me what belongs to me yes god, you know, I don't have a script or a way that it should go, but I even think that asking or just saying like, I would love to kiss you or kind of feeling it out, like even that can be sexy. So, you know, if someone is really scared, I don't think that you have to just go for it. Right. I don't think that you have to just go for it right it's like you can kind of build that rapport and even even ask and say like wow I just imagined kissing you how do you think that would feel for

Starting point is 00:40:34 you and that can be the start of this sexy conversation and you know that you can you can build that together instead of thinking I to do it over here on my own. Right. I love it. That's a great answer. I've gotten into, I love a first kiss that more or less feels like it just happened for both of you, especially for her. I feel like women tend to like that it just happens, but that window might not always be there. So I'm okay with my client, with a man looking at his date and at the right moment saying, I really want to kiss you in the right way.

Starting point is 00:41:19 I think there's something attractive about a man saying what he wants. Do you agree? Is that sexy? When said the right way? Yeah. Done the right way? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:28 And again, like the right way is a little bit of a tricky wording. But when done, present, connected, not feeling like, you know, this is mine and I get to have it. But just right in that flow of we're here together and this is amazing and this is delicious and I want you, that I think is awesome. Yeah, you have to say the I want. Yeah. Yeah. You have to want. It's also the way you say it, right? The way I would say to a first date, I want to kiss you is different than the way I would say, I want chicken nachos. I hope it's different. Great. I'd like some chicken nachos. I'd like a kick. Although I've had some chicken nachos. I've had some chicken nachos. I'm like, oh man, I really want those chicken nachos. Maybe they're similar.

Starting point is 00:42:16 But I think it's that to your point, you said something before that I loved about how getting away from the intellect and more into a sensual emotional place and the words don't matter as much when it's the emotion and the mutual feeling is there and then you could say hey I want to kiss you and that could be the sexiest thing in the world totally totally I'm getting turned on just thinking about that well I'm getting excited for nachos just thinking about this but I'm wearing pants that don't fit me so I can't eat nachos

Starting point is 00:42:52 today okay let's move toward the wrap up I ask every guest this and I'm going to ask you right now what are if you had to put three game changing dating tips in a time And I'm going to ask you right now, what are, if you had to put three game-changing dating tips in a time capsule, the pantheon of tips.

Starting point is 00:43:11 And look, changing your love life is about more than just quick tips. But hey, if you had to say, these are the three biggest game-changing tips you've seen success with men you know, your clients, what are those three tips? Fire away. Okay. So the first one is to really know yourself and know the role you've played in any unsatisfying moments or dynamics you've had in past relationships, right? So if you don't know the part you played in it, you're just destined to keep repeating those same things over and over. So

Starting point is 00:43:45 really consciousness and, and the humility, you know, of, of knowing yourself is one. I'm going to go with all three. Very attractive. Great. Number one, knowing yourself and having some humility and confidence in that. Very attractive. Yes. Number two, please. Number two, I would say that you talked about this too, like being real is sexy. And yes, it takes some practice. It's funny that it actually takes practice to be real because so many of us are so practiced in being false or trying to be who we think somebody wants us to be. But I would say being real is sexy. And it's the only way that you actually get to be, to receive love and feel loved for who you actually are.

Starting point is 00:44:31 Because if you're not being real and you have some kind of facade, the love doesn't get in and then you don't get to experience it. And that just breaks my heart. Well said. Okay, that's number two. Let finish strong game changing tip number three okay i think i gave it before so um the one i had was that shift from you know am i good enough or

Starting point is 00:44:56 does she gonna want me to um is she a match but let's see if I can come up with even a totally different one. Oh, I would say that attraction builds in the space between or in the silence, right? So we talked about this a little bit, but it's not the words, right? It's that underlying, I call them the invisible influences often. And so it's like, you know, how you think about women is being conveyed between the kind of like music, right? The space in between how you feel about women is being conveyed in that space between the words you use. I mean, also the words you use, but so they're like this underlying invisible forces are happening. And that's where that consciousness comes in and really supports that because you can be silent with a woman and you can just be curious and absorbed and in awe and wonder,

Starting point is 00:46:02 or you can be in silence and you can be like a nervous wreck and wondering if you're saying the right thing or doing the right thing and kind of going through your scripts. And, you know, we both know it's much better if you're silent and you're just in awe and delight and curiosity of a woman. I love that last one as well. I, one of the things I stumbled on when I was single and dating, and I've been on hundreds of dates, was I realized how fun it is to have a staring contest on a first date where you just look at your date and say,

Starting point is 00:46:35 hey, you know what? Let's take a pause from all this get to know you stuff. I challenge you to a staring contest. You know, no blinkings allowed, but you're not allowed. No laughing and no looking away. And of course, once you can't laugh, you all you want to do is laugh. And you're also staring into this person's eyes. And you now have permission to be silent because it's a staring contest, where it makes sense. And it just creates a really it's it combines connection and also just

Starting point is 00:47:02 fun childlike playfulness, which is a really nice first date energy to let bubble up. Yeah. And it's also fun to look at a beautiful person's eyes. It is. It is. And it's funny because I do a lot of eye contact and I even practice it with men, even over Zoom, where I'm like, okay, let's just take a minute and just be silent and look at each other. And then you get to see what are the fears that arise. You know, what is getting in the way when you're with a woman?

Starting point is 00:47:31 Because whatever's there is going to happen here. And so getting familiar with that and then recognizing that you don't have to believe it all is really important. Amazing. Just in case I forgot to ask you something, or do you have just a parting thought, word of wisdom, or is there any question I didn't ask you that you'd just like to share and answer

Starting point is 00:47:58 with our listener today? God, you asked really great questions and I feel like we covered so much. The thing that's coming to mind, I would say... I'm very good at what I do. You are very good. I was talking to someone who is considering working with me this morning and he felt like giving up.

Starting point is 00:48:23 And I don't want men to give up you know i i want men especially if you've been seen as a nice guy or a friend like i want you to know that it's totally possible and that it's actually ultimately in the end you're gonna get way more of what you want. You're going to have relationships that are deep and, you know, sensual and fascinating and have the potential to last because you already have access to your heart. And, you know, you're going to be opening up likely the freedom you give yourself and the capacity to feel more and get turned on and be okay with that but for a lot of men who don't have open hearts and they really really protect

Starting point is 00:49:14 themselves you know that it takes it takes longer to crack that so i think i just yeah i don't want you to give up i want you to know that it's totally possible for women to be blown away by you and that you get to receive amazing love. It's worth it. You're right. I teach men about the value, the concept of resilience. We almost all of us have some dark night of the soul in our dating lives.

Starting point is 00:49:42 At least one. And it's important if you go through a slump. Yeah, I've had months of these dark nights. And if you're in a slump or if you are just dejected or down, maybe take a break, maybe take a schvitz, but don't give up to your point. What's take a schvitz? Isn't schvitz a sweat? A schvitz. A schvitz. A't schvitz a sweat? A schvitz. A schvitz. A sweat. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:06 A sweat. A sweat. It's 97 degrees here in New York. That's probably why I said that. Take a schvitzing. Take a schvitz. Take a break. But don't give up.

Starting point is 00:50:15 Don't give up. Stay resilient because there's a lot of reward waiting on the other side of smashing through an obstacle. It makes you grow as a man. Yeah. And you will find that right woman for you. Thank you so much. Shana James is her name. She has a class. It's called How to Be Rejection Proof. Is that right? Yeah. How to Be Rejection Proof.

Starting point is 00:50:37 Are we close to that? Yeah, close to that. Three ways to be rejection proof. After divorce or breakup, I would say, but any man can really do this. And it's all about having relationships where you have a renewed sense of self-respect and sexual confidence. And so, yeah, you can find that one at shanajamescoaching.com slash rejection dash proof. And I don't know when this is coming out. So that one's happening at the end of August. And if that's not happening, if you're listening later, you can always go to shanajamescoaching.com slash three ways. And that one is a guide about how women lose influence at work and with women

Starting point is 00:51:18 and how to gain it back. Fantastic. And if you loved Shana, I'm sure you did she has her man alive podcast and her ted talk and just so much great wisdom to share shana thank you so much for being a guest here during launch week i was i'm really happy to have you thank you so much this was fun and i feel again grateful for you being in the world and supporting men to be real and not have to learn lines and games and, you know, all that fake stuff because we really want the real stuff. Well said. Thank you. All right. Let's go eat Pop-Tarts. All right. Bye, everybody.

Starting point is 00:51:59 Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media.

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