How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Be an Attractive Man, with Dr. Robert Glover and “The Big Stick” Author Tony Endelman

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

WARNING! Listening to this episode may lead to you getting hit with a big stick! (In a good way.)Just a wild guess: You want more confidence and passion in your life, not just in dating but in many areas, right? But deep down, you sometimes question your worth, both to women and to the world. And desirable women tend to see you as a “nice guy” or friend, not as a lover.It can make you wonder if you’ll ever reach your potential as a man, and perhaps never attract the kind of woman you want. And no one wants to settle, or be lonely. Let’s smash those fears and doubts with a great big stick! In this episode of the Dating Transformation Podcast, host Connell Barrett welcomes two very special guests: Tony Endelman and Dr. Robert Glover. Endelman is the author of the bestselling new book, “The Big Stick: A Roadmap for a 21st-Century Definition of Manhood.” The book is a blueprint on how to be an attractive man, based on Glover’s 40 years helping men overcome the debilitating problem of “Nice Guy Syndrome.”In this fun, raw conversation, Endelman and Glover share some of the best, most practical tips from “The Big Stick,” including…✔ How to break free from Nice Guy Syndrome and become an Integrated Man—happier, more confident, more attractive to women✔ How to stop getting stuck in your head on dates, and always know what to say and how to say✔ How to smash out of the friend zone on dates using The Three Ts✔ How to be an attractive man starting today, using a simple, 3-step strategy✔ Several exercises you can do today to destroy limiting beliefs and build true, authentic confidenceGet ready! Tony and the good doctor are about to hand you a big stick. Swing it, so you can stop doubting yourself and start living with passion and fulfillment, on and off the dating landscape.Quotes"I realized that engaging in things that make me miserable is counterproductive. It's time to leave them behind and start pursuing activities that truly ignite my inner passion." -Tony Endelman"Through personal growth fueled by valuable lessons and failures, I've witnessed the transformative power of this knowledge in changing lives, including my own," reveals Barrett.." - Dr. Robert Glover"Experiences reveal the transformative power of honest and compassionate communication, sparking a captivating mix of surprise, enthusiasm, and curiosity.." - Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformationhttps://datingtransformation.comhttps://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationDr Robert GloverCo Author of “The Big Stick"https://www.drglover.com/https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-robert-glover-2421428/Tony EndelmanCo Author of “The Big Stick""https://tonyendelman.com/https://www.instagram.com/tonyendelman/LEARN ABOUT “THE BIG STICK”:http://www.bigstickbook.comBUY “THE BIG STICK” ON AMAZON:https://www.amazon.com/Big-Stick-Collected-Applied-Teachings-ebook/dp/B0C5N6VZ6C/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0_encoding=UTF8&qid=1684431647&sr=8-1LEARN MORE ABOUT TONY, AND HIS INTEGRATED MAN COURSE:http://www.TonyEndelman.comLEARN MORE ABOUT DR. GLOVER, AND HIS COURSE AND BOOKS:www.drgolver.comFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH YOUR HOST, DATING COACH CONNELL BARRETT, TO LEARN HOW TO ATTRACT YOUR DREAM RELATIONSHIP:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactChapters00:17 Introduction00:06:24 Breaking Free: Lessons from “No More Mr. Nice Guy”00:10:45 Unmasking Covert Contracts: Revealing Toxic Manipulation00:17:21 A Life-Altering Journey: Transformed by a Transformative Book00:22:42 Transformation Begins: The Profound Words That Started It All00:23:41 Unlocking Happiness: The Hidden Wisdom of Sitting Up Straight00:25:14 Shifting Mindsets: Embracing Gratitude and Positive Change00:30:28 The Liberation of Honesty: Harnessing Transformative Power00:42:11 Conquering Anxiety, Mastering Social Skills for Dating00:55:15 Embrace Your Authenticity: Action Speaks Louder01:03:41 Challenging the Perfection Myth: Women's Insecurities Revealed01:08:06 Revolutionizing the Dating Game: Unveiling Women's Perspectives01:20:47 Male Relationships and Success: The Vital Connection01:26:37 Integrated Man University or Integration Nation: Join the Transformation01:28 Outro

Yeah, and those are the three T's. I would add two more T's. Take lots of dick pics and text them to her immediately. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Conal Barrett. I'm a dating coach for men. I help guys gain confidence, learn to flirt, and find a great girlfriend, all by being truly authentic. No pickup artist BS. And for today's episode, I'm going to dispense with the normal 10-minute opening tip or story

because I want to get right to my two very special guests. So let me introduce them, and we'll get right to my two very special guests. So let me introduce them, and we'll get right to it. So my first of two guests is Dr. Robert Glover. Dr. Glover is the author of a groundbreaking bestseller I know you've heard of called No More Mr. Nice Guy, and he also has over 30 years of experience as a therapist, coach, and a public speaker. And he's joined today by a guy by the name of Tony Endelman, another special guest. Tony is an author, a self-help blogger, and a certified life coach. He's also a buddy of mine, full disclosure. And Tony is one of Dr. Glover's elite certified No More Mr. Nice Guy coaches. And Tony has just released a brand new book called The Big Stick, collected and applied

wisdom from the teachings of Dr. Robert Glover. And The Big Stick encapsulates nearly 40 years of wisdom from Dr. Glover. And also in his coaching business, Tony works with guys one-on-one and also in group coaching for men and also through his Integrated Man University. You'll hear more about that later. For more on Dr. Glover, you can go to drglover.com. And for more from Tony, you can go to tonyendelman.com. That's E-N-D-E-L-M-A-N. Okay, we're done with plugs.

Tony and Dr. Glover. We can go now, right? Yeah. You've got us plugged. We have run out of time again. It's great talking to you, Connell. I was waiting for you to bring out that inflated big stick. Right, right.

I was waiting for that. The big stick is right here if you're on YouTube. There it is. I have a big stick. And anyway, thank you both for being here. Tony, welcome for the first time to my podcast. Great to have you. Great to be here, Connell.

Good to see you, as always. All right, so let's give our listener a big old big stick upside the head. So I just finished reading your book last night, Tony, with all those teachings from Dr. Glover and your writing and editing them, Tony. And my reaction to it was kind of like a quote Jon Stewart gave Book of Mormon when it came out, which was, this is so good, it made me angry. Everything is there. If you're a man who's struggling with self-limiting beliefs, if you're struggling with your dating life, with relationships, there's solutions. If you got bad sex, toxic relationships, or if you just want to become a man who is living a life with passion and reaching his full potential, this is that book. So thank you for

writing an amazing book. And I just wish it wasn't so good because then I would be less jealous. So that aside, Tony, let me start with you. So the working title of this book, I realized when reading it, was actually called The Big Book. And along the way, the title changed. So why the title The Big Stick? And what is the big stick that you're asking readers to swing? Yeah, well, Dr. Glover and I, we didn't have a title for it for a while, so we just called it The Big Book because, as you noticed, it's quite big. It's a hefty book. But as I was writing it, two things came to mind. One, pretty much every guy who reaches out to me for coaching is, in fact, a nice guy who read Dr. Glover's book.

And, you know, when somebody reaches out to me for coaching, they can schedule like a free introductory call with me. And almost every guy says the same thing. I ask him, you know, how did you find me? What's going on? How can I support you? And they all say the same thing. I asked him, you know, how'd you find me? What's going on? How can I support you? And they all say the same thing. Well, I discovered Dr. Glover, his work, and it was the big stick upside my head that I needed. They all say that. So that came to mind. And then I kind of also realized how much Dr. Glover himself says it.

He always says, you know, especially when he's talking to men and he's about to deliver some kind of harsh truth. He always says, I'm about to bring out the big stick. And so, you know, that phrase just stuck out in my mind. And I thought, what better title for this book, which is a collection of all of Dr. Glover's work. So that's how that came to be. Dr. Glover, let me read a quote to you. This is Tony's words, but from your teaching. And here's what Tony writes.

This book may trigger you. It may challenge your beliefs. Part here's what Tony writes. This book may trigger you. It may challenge your beliefs. Parts of it may even offend you. On the other hand, this book may completely and positively transform your world if you want it to. This book may well be the big stick upside your head that you need. And should you take what you learn in this book and apply it, I believe you'll experience greater fulfillment in every area of your life. Okay, that's a big promise and it sounds fucking awesome. Can you

elaborate on that? We can curse on this show? Yeah, it's fucking fine. Okay, great. I held back there for a bit. NPR is not a sponsor yet. Tony was about to blow up, kind of like that South Park episode where people started spontaneously combusting because they were... In that case, case they were holding back gas Tony was holding back the

F word over and over again so uh so he can let the F word out and he won't combust um I forget the question so yeah we'll talk about what a pretty big Well, why do men need this book? Men need the book because I need it and Tony needs it. And everything I've ever taught, written, talked about has all come out of my own struggles. No more Mr. Nice Guy, my dating books. Everything has been the stuff I struggled with. I had a PhD in marriage and family therapy at 29 years old. And I bumbled my way through every relationship I've had. I thought maybe it was just me or just the women that I picked.

But the truth is, intimate long-term relationships aren't wired into our DNA. They're challenging. They're difficult. We might even say they're meant to be impossible. I struggled with dating in my late 40s after 25 years of marriage. So I wrote about what I struggled with. Sounds like maybe you were inspired in a similar way. And whether it's managing my money, whether it's living up to my potential, whether it's overcoming procrastination, whether it's breaking out of addictive cycles, everything I've struggled with, I realize

other men struggle with them too. So that's what I've always talked about, written about, anything I've ever done. And so everything Tony has put together, you know, is a collaboration of, you know, all my courses, all my books, all my interviews, all my podcasts know all my courses all my books all my interviews all my podcasts all my forum answers blogs and and i promise you everything has come from i i often say about no more mr nice guy it's not a chronicle of my success it's a record of my fuck-ups so how how does tony know in that introduction and how do i know this stuff can change people's lives because i know it's changed my life. What I've learned through making the same mistakes over and over again,

like, like was it Thomas Edison said, I've never failed. I've just found out 10,000 things that don't work. Something like that. I'm misparaphrasing him. So I've never failed. I've just found out a lot of shit that doesn't work very well. And every now and then I actually, you know, learn from that. It's hard to condense a 475 page book into one sentence, but if I was going to take a swing at it with my big stick, okay, confession, I have a medium stick, but I'm working on it. I would say... I've got a Phoenix ultrasound thing that... You got a pump for me? A pump for something? If you want to borrow it.

I quit using it a while ago. For me, the elevator pitch here is a lot of men struggle with nice guy syndrome and that makes them suffer. And this book slash your teaching is about helping them to become an integrated man. Tony, can you talk a little bit about what nice guy syndrome is and what are some struggles men have in that area on their path to getting out of that becoming integrated? This must be a relief for Dr. Lover because he gets this question over and over again. That's why I asked you. Yeah, he gave the elevator pitch for me and everything else. I'm just sitting back. I'm going to turn the AC down just a little bit.

He has his 10,000 hours of answering that question. Go get eliminated. I have my 10,000 hours of hearing him answer it. You know, pretty much to pull directly from Dr. Glover. I mean, a nice guy is a guy or a girl. There are nice girls too. But a nice guy syndrome is an anxiety and shame-filled or shame-based disorder. And a nice guy is somebody who carries around a lot of toxic shame, which he

developed in childhood, which is basically the belief that he isn't okay just as he is. And so he tries to behave in a way that won't piss anybody off, won't offend anybody, tries to do everything right, is constantly seeking the approval and validation of others. A nice guy just isn't his authentic self. And he operates by what Dr. Glover so eloquently calls covert contracts. Dr. Glover, you want to go over the three covert contracts? Yeah. For those of us who can't remember exactly how they go,

covert contract number one, and these are all if-then propositions, and they're all manipulative. They all have strings attached, but it's the only way nice guys know how to try to get what they want. The covert contract number one is that if I'm a good guy, then I'll be loved and liked, and the women I want to have sex with will want to have sex with me. And if you go online, and especially there's a lot of memes out there right now with female

bloggers talking about kind of this nice guy mentality. I was nice to you. I listened to you. I helped you pay your car payment. You should have sex with me. And there's a lot of memes going around where that actually turns nice guys into really not nice people. And these covert contracts do. They tend to build a lot of resentment and passive aggressive behavior. So covert contract number one, if I do everything right, then wait, no, if I'm a good guy, you'll like me and love me. And number two, contract number two is that if I meet your needs without you having to ask, that's the, I'll listen to you talk about your problems and pay your car payment, then you will meet my needs without me having to ask. But I'm not going to tell you what my needs are or even let you meet them if you try,

because that makes me too uncomfortable. Covert contract number three is if I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life. And this is a really mature Peter Pan-ish way of living in the world. But again, it reflects the nice guy view. If I've done everything right, I don't do anything wrong, I didn't piss anybody off, or as I say, no more Mr. Nice Guy. If at first I don't succeed, I hide the evidence. So nobody should ever get mad at me. Nobody should ever go wrong. But again, that's not the way life works. We live in a chaotic

cosmos and stuff is constantly in a state of flux and change. But nice guys really believe all three of these covert contracts. If I'm good, I'll be liked and loved. If I meet your needs, you'll meet my needs. And if I do everything right, I'll have this smooth, problem-free life. And again, unfortunately, none of it works. It's all manipulative. It leads to a lot of resentment, passive aggressiveness, and victim pukes, where you're both the scorekeeper, the referee, the player. And look, I've kept my side of the contract. You haven't. And therefore I have every right to be mad at you and go off on you or hurt you or be mean to you, which often makes nice guys not particularly nice. Yeah. And I'll add, you know, it's funny

as somebody who sort of stumbled across Dr. Glover's work at one point and now having worked with hundreds of, you know, nice guys and, you know, just talking to people in general about what I do. It's funny. I think, you know, the title of the book is a bit misleading. I think, you know, maybe about half the people who pick up the book were recommended the book by a therapist, a friend, a blogger, or whatever. Ex-wife. Yeah, an ex. But I think there's a significant amount of people who also pick the book up and they just look at the title and go, what's wrong with being a nice guy even i even i i talk about in the book you know in the intro when i was kind of going through a rough time and i was you know

became an internet sleuth and was like looking for answers to my problems and like everybody was recommending this book no more mr nice guy and'm like, why would I want a set of instructions for becoming a prick? You know, and so it's very misleading in that way. But the truth is, you know, once you start reading the book, if you haven't read it, you realize, oh, the term nice guy is a complete misnomer because nice guys aren't actually nice at all. They're fundamentally dishonest. They're manipulative. They're immature. They're passive aggressive.

They don't make their own needs a priority. They're always seeking validation from others. There's this whole myriad of problematic behaviors that are exhibited by the quote unquote nice guy. Well, you mentioned the intro of your book and the first words of the intro, basically the first words you wrote in your book were, Dr. Glover changed my life. What's that story? How did he change your life? What's the story?

Take us back to that moment. Oh boy, you want to make me cry? He's going to make me cry again. I cried when I read that introduction. Go ahead. You tell me what is the length of the story you would like? The short version, the medium version or the long version? Let's go medium. Let's go medium. Cause we have a lot of dating stuff to get to, but let's go medium.

How about that? I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right?

But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell, or a team member, will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self,

a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients.

So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. Well, genuinely, I think the best place to start is a really heartbreaking time in my life, which is 10 years ago. I was living in Omaha, which is where I'm from. I live in New Orleans now, but right before I turned 30 years old, my father died suddenly and unexpectedly. And he was like the picture of health.

You know, didn't smoke, didn't drink, ate healthy, worked out every day. I mean, everybody loved him. It was a real shock to not just my family but our entire community. And that sent me down. I mean, at first it kind of sent me to a pretty dark depression, but it sent me down this path of self exploration because up until then I wasn't really living the kind of life that I wanted to be living. I wasn't living up to my potential. I was pretty miserable. I, you know, I, I hated what I was doing for work. My dating life was pretty much non-existent.

I was stagnant and bored in Omaha. But I didn't know how to change any of that. I was pretty comfortable in my own misery. And I think psychologists even have a name for that called comfortable misery. And that's where I was. But losing my father really, you know, it made me examine my life. And it made me realize, okay, this shit's pretty unpredictable. It could end at any time. Maybe I need to make some changes. So, you know, the first big change I made, which was very difficult for me, was I moved to New Orleans,

which is where I live now, purely because I fell madly in love with the city. And I thought maybe moving to a place that I find really magical, that enlivens me, will cure all my woes. And I was wrong about that. I brought all my bullshit with me. And, you know, when I got to New Orleans, as much as I love the city, I found myself in another toxic job. I found myself repeating the same toxic relationship patterns. And I started dating this woman that I became very infatuated with. And she kind of led me to believe that I was the most incredible man on earth. And that dumped me very abruptly and very cruelly.

And here I was again in this very dark place. But instead of blaming everyone else, blaming her, dismissing her as crazy, you know, like I used to do in the past, for some reason I just started examining myself and my own behavior. Because at some point, you know, you start repeating the same patterns. At some point you have to go okay something's going on with me and so like i mentioned earlier i kind of became an internet detective and kind of went down the rabbit hole as many people do and just started looking for answers i really didn't know what i was looking for, but I just started immersing myself in psychological research and studies on human behavior and relationships and all that stuff kind of fascinated me anyway. what might actually help me. And then I noticed everywhere I was looking, every blog, every corner of the manosphere, everybody made mention of one book

that was like the ultimate game-changing manifesto on becoming the man you want to be. And that book was Dr. Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. And I read the book and, and it was just like this exasperating look in the mirror. It was a big fucking stick upside my head. And, um, you know, that led me to reach out to Dr. Glover. And at that time I was actually getting my life coaching certification. And so, you know, I told Dr. Glover in an email, hey, I'm getting my life coaching certification. I just read your book, blew my mind. How can I be involved? And so I flew up to Seattle for one of his workshops.

That was the first time I met him. And that was, I think, six or seven years ago. After that workshop, which was a pretty transformative experience, I sort of pestered Dr. Glover. I made a conscious effort to stay in touch with him and tried to cultivate a relationship with him and and it worked what what moment I'm I'm easy I really am what moment from the workshop or any moment in your path with him what what breakthrough moment can you recall what game-changing moment stands out to you well the workshop well the moment that stands out to you? Well, the workshop, well, the moment that stands out from the workshop

is the first thing he ever said to me. It was a Friday night and there are about 12 of us, I think, guys from all over the world, just getting to know each other, just sitting around in a circle. Dr. Glover gave each of us like six or seven minutes to introduce ourselves and tell our story. And they get around to me and I am just vomiting out shit about my life and how everything sucks. And the first words Dr. Glover ever said to me were tony you just need to stop doing shit that makes you unhappy he just and it was like that's those are the first words he ever said to me and so simple yet so profound do you remember that dr glover i thought i told him to sit up straight you know because uh you know, Tony's a really tall guy and

no chairs fit him. So, you know, what I recall is he was like, you know, like this in the chair. And I probably said, you know, Tony, your life might improve if you sat up straight. I actually got to talk to Tony's mom, I don't know, about six months ago. He and I were chatting, he was back home in Omaha. And so his mom, wanted to get on the phone and she says keep telling him to sit up straight and tell him so it's kind of like all right i'm doing mom's work for him now so you know but but you know that that's an example of where the big stick isn't always like something it doesn't have to be a 400 page book to to be profound that you know stop doing things that make you unhappy kind of makes you think yeah so simple why didn't

i think of that before and then yeah that's probably true for most of us and then he said i'm i'm just fucking exhausted just listening to you i do say that to men occasionally i go i bet your life is exhausting because i'm exhausted yeah i've been listening to enough guys telling enough stories for almost 40 years that if i'm worn out they must be worn out yeah what did you a lot of these guys go ahead i'm sorry uh hold your thought because i want to hear what you were going to say about other guys. But just because I'm dying to know, what things were you doing at that time that were making you unhappy? And then what did you start doing instead?

Well, a lot – kind of the major things. It did make me take stock of my life and go, okay, I'm chasing this thing called happiness, which is an abstract concept that none of us can really describe or define. It does actually make sense for me to look at my life and what are the things making me unhappy? Why don't I get rid of those things? So I really started getting to work on that. And the first thing was I took a break from dating. You know, I was having a lot of negative experiences accumulate. And I mean, I had a lot of success, but I also I was just I was getting

kind of burnt out on it. I was, nothing was really panning out. I took a break and then I focused on my career and I was in this very toxic job that I, I got out of and I went like just balls out into pursuing this coaching and writing and thing and some of my other entrepreneurial endeavors. So, um, you know, I, I, I got rid of the two biggest things in my life that were just making me miserable. Um, and you know, I, I really started changing my mindset a lot too. Like, you know, I started practicing gratitude. I started journaling. I started meditating. I started replacing my negative thoughts. I started learning how to observe my negative thoughts, notice them, and replace them with healthier, more productive thoughts.

Um, but you know, it really was just kind of going, okay, what, what is just making me miserable? I need to stop fucking around with that and start, start pursuing things that actually light me up inside. Yeah. Sounds like a needed stick in the head from Dr. Glover. But I was going to say say and kind of to add on to that i was gonna say like one of the things about dr glover's workshop in general uh that i found really transformative was first of all a lot of those guys most of them their problems were way worse than mine my problems seemed kind of absurd in comparison. A lot of them were going through really bitter, nasty divorces.

Some of them were addicted to porn and masturbation. Some were addicted to booze, you know? And so the thing about that workshop that was so transformative for me was, number one, I was dreading the whole thing because I had spent my entire life trying to gain the affection, attention, and approval of women. So the thought of spending that much time with a bunch of dudes didn't seem like much fun, but it was almost immediately transformative because it was a bunch of dudes revealing themselves to each other, sharing their deepest insecurities.

And we all bonded within minutes. And that was very refreshing and revealing and cathartic and therapeutic. And I just, you know, I left that first night of the workshop feeling a lot whiter, feeling a lot more positive, a lot better about my place in the world. And it really proved to me the power, the healing power of being in some sort of men's group. And that's one of the things that Dr. Glover preaches so often. And I talk about so often in this new book is you can't do this shit alone. Like you have to work with a coach, join a men's group,

surround yourself with positive, supportive, encouraging people. Yeah. And that, that, that's, that's what Dr. Glover's workshop, that first workshop, really opened my eyes to. Well, let's get into the book because the book is basically a workshop, 400 plus pages of really great workshop guidance. And there are so many different parts of the book. It's divided into several different sections, right? There's the nice guy syndrome section. There's a whole section about attraction, which we're going to talk about, conscious dating, sex and sexuality. And so I want to dig into the book a little bit. And let's start with the idea of telling the truth.

Early on in the book, we talk about the importance of telling the truth in our lives, to ourselves, and to other people. What might that look like in a practical way for a man going about his life? Maybe it's dating. Maybe it's just interpersonal relationships in general. How can we tell better, deeper truths? You want to take that one, Doc? You know, I like that question a lot because that's one of the things that for me is I began what I'll call my journey of nice guy recovery. Is that my then wife, second wife, basically said, if you don't go to therapy, I'm leaving you.

If you don't go get help to therapy, I'm leaving you. If you don't go get help, whatever, you know, I'm, I'm leaving you. And, and even though we'd only been married about two years and, and she was unhappy all the time and, you know, making me miserable, I thought, well, I don't want to, I don't, I don't want to lose her. So, you know, I'll go get therapy. And again, I already had a doctorate in marriage and family therapy. I'd never been to therapy. And, um, I started, she said, you're a sex addict. So I said, you need to go to Sex Addicts. So I went to Sex Addicts Anonymous. In one session, found out I was not a sex addict.

I wasn't having enough sex to be a sex addict. And, you know, she thought I was a sex addict because I wanted to have sex with her. And she didn't. I was only two years into a marriage. But what was transformative for me, I know we've used that word a lot already on this call, is that in this group, it was all men, met at like 5 a.m. And in this group of men, I could just start revealing me. I grew up in a fundamental Christian church. I grew up with a critical father, so I always hid anything that might upset him. I grew up during the angry feminism of the 60s and the 70s, so don't be a bad man.

My mother raised me to be different from my father. So I'd grown up with this kind of Teflon veneer of hiding anything that might upset anybody or get a negative reaction. And so in this group, I'd go and just reveal my deepest, darkest stuff. And it really wasn't all that deep and dark, but it was a big leap for me. I'm thinking those guys are sitting there going, you know, thanks for sharing, Robert. Why the hell are you even here? You know, but it was beautiful because for the first time in my life, I just revealed me.

And I thought, I found nobody had huge negative reactions from me telling the truth. So the first thing I started working on before I even knew I was doing, quote, quote, nice guy recovery, was to begin telling the truth. And I remember a real early experience with this is that I was working with a female therapist. I joined a men's group that she led for guys working around sexual shame. And I was having an individual session with her. And I was complaining about my wife. And I said, you know, she talks all the time. Just yack, yack, yack, yack, yack. Same old thing. And I just get so tired, so bored listening to her just tell the same stuff over and over and over again. And the woman who's, you know, older than me, you know, kind of this kind of a sweet older woman said, the therapist said, you don't have to listen. And she said,

I said, say that again. She said, you don't have to listen. If you don't want to, if you're not interested, be more honest and just say you're not interested. I said, I can't do that. I said, I remember my words. I said, it is carved in stone. You have to listen to a woman talk until she's done talking. And I go, I know because my mother taught me that. So, you know, I know it must be true. And she goes, actually, it's unloving for you to pretend you're listening, trying to fix her so she'll shut up and quit talking, or trying to distract her, or really, you know, planning out, you know, what you're going to do next week and not really paying attention. It'd be more loving to say, I'm not interested or I can't listen. I said, you don't know my wife.

I said, that will just bring Armageddon if I was to tell her that truth. And she said, okay. So I had the opportunity not too long after that. And she was carrying on about something that I'd heard her carry on about multiple times before. And I can't say that I did this impeccably, but I took a beginner's stab at it. And I said, you know, I said, I'm really tired and I just don't really have the bandwidth to listen right now. And she goes, okay. And I thought i thought okay is the roof coming down yet you know there's a hurricane coming and and she went off and about 45 minutes later she came back and she said thank you for telling me that you you weren't available to listen i went and called a friend and

talked it out and everything's okay and i'll go really she really appreciated it didn't that's it she told me thank you for telling her now if i really told her the whole truth i'd say i am fucking bored and don't give a shit about what you're talking about that would have been the whole truth but you know i at least gave a version of it that said i'm not available to listen. And I came to realize, all right, you know, the truth doesn't usually destroy people. And one of the things I teach men is that women can handle a difficult truth, but they don't do well with being lied to. So then one of the practices I developed is that, you know, I realized as, quote, a nice guy, even though I thought I was an honest, you know, authentic person. I like that

you use that term, you know, in your work with men. But, you know, I told little white lies about everything. Just I shaded everything, left stuff out, didn't give the whole truth, you know, tried to misdirect people's attention so they wouldn't see where I'd fucked up. And so one of the things I started doing is that, again, this was kind of the honesty thing, was an early part of my recovery. Anytime I caught myself rehearsing a truth that I was gonna tell my wife because I thought she might be upset about something.

I even told my wife, I said, you know what? I don't tell you the truth a lot. And she goes, I know. And I said, here's what I'm gonna do. Every time I catch myself rehearsing a story to give you so that maybe you will be less mad at me, I'm going to come home and tell you. I was going to lie to you. Here's the story I was going to tell you. And here's the whole truth without any embellishment. And I started doing that. When I told her I'd be home

at five o'clock from work, and I knew I wasn't even going to leave till after five, but I didn't want her to be upset if I told her it'd be later. And then I'm driving home thinking, oh, you know, oh, the traffic was so terrible and just stuck at every stoplight and this. And I'd get home and I'd walk in the door and said, hey, I was going to lie to you. I was going to tell you that I'm late. That's a great example of the power of being the honesty yeah and i said and she never got mad i said you know the truth was i told you i'd be home at five so i thought you'd be mad if i was home later she goes i just wanted to know what time you're going to walk in the door so i'd have dinner ready and well that's it it wasn't like i had

to meet some expectation and i gotta lie to you because and so i just i would tell her the whole truth i tell her what's gonna lie about tell her the whole truth. I'd tell her what I was going to lie about, tell her the truth. And she never had a negative reaction to it. She'd just usually say, thanks for telling me the truth. And I thought, wow, how come no one taught me this when I was a kid? That reminds me of a moment a few years ago. I had just begun dating a woman who's now my friend, just a friend, but at the time we were dating.

And we were three or four dates in. And she said to me have you ever cheated on any of your exes and I'm a big believer in what I call just radical authenticity just being really honest Filtering it with empathy, but just real candor. Excuse me, and I said, yeah yeah, I cheated on two of my last three girlfriends and she gave me the most interesting reaction. It was a combination of surprise and excitement and a little bit of fear.

Not fear of me as a person, but like, whoa, am I dating a guy who's going to cheat on me? But also there was like this sense of, oh my God, thank you. Excited that I was telling her the truth. And then she asked me about it and I told her why I did it. And it actually was a really honest, great, vulnerable conversation we both had. And that just reminded me, what you said just reminded me of the importance of telling women the truth. You know, with empathy, with the right filter, but being really genuine. Any thoughts on that, Tony, about the importance of telling the truth just in life in general, any kind of relationship, whether it's with women or the people in your life?

Yeah, I mean, for me, my friends who've known me for a long time, they probably would not accuse me of being dishonest. I'm pretty open and upfront. I've noticed. And I think they always appreciated that about me. it was always my dishonesty or, shall we say, inauthenticity was most pronounced when I was interacting with women who I was interested in or dating. So like an example that comes to mind is I don't want to get married. I think marriage is kind of insane. And, uh, you know, in the past, if I was on a date with a woman and she asked me, uh, you know,

where, where, what do you want? Do you want to get married? I, I wouldn't tell her the truth. I would say, oh, yeah, sure. Because I wouldn't want to offend her, piss her off, or lose her. And that's silly. Because why wouldn't I tell her the truth about that? If we want two different things, if we're going two different places, then it's best that we tell each other the truth and go our separate ways. So that's something I – now I just tell the truth. I say, no, I don't want to get married. I think it's insane. And if the woman agrees with me and appreciates that I feel that way and feels a similar way, that makes sense for us to keep dating.

And if she wants to get married, then it makes sense for us not to keep dating. So, you know, those are the kinds of things I would keep secret or I would hide or I just wouldn't be honest about it. I would hide my real feelings, my real opinions. And again, because my nice guy bullshit. I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to piss anybody off. I didn't want to offend anybody. Most prominently, particularly if she was a beautiful woman or somebody that I was interested in, I thought I might lose her if I told her the truth.

I thought she might not want to date me anymore. And a common characteristic of nice guy syndrome is the scarcity of mindset. So I would think, oh boy, if I tell this woman the truth, I'm going to scare her off and I'm never going to meet another woman this cool or this beautiful or whatever. So again, for me, it was most prominent when I was in my dating life. Right. So if you're on a first date, so let's get into some dating stuff here because there's a lot of dating-related chapters in the book. Chapter on attraction, chapter on conscious dating,

and there's some really great stuff. Can you talk about any tips or guidelines on being truthful on a date or when talking with a woman who you are attracted to? Dr. Glover, what are your thoughts there? Oh, my goodness. Well, let's kind of back that up a little bit because I've worked with men for a long time. And as I said, I learned to date in my late 40s. And I was a terribly bad dater before then. I was one of those guys that, you know, once I got the woman, I stayed with her no matter if she was a good fit or not.

Because I didn't know how to date. And so when I started getting good at it, guys started saying, teach me. And I thought, well, I'm not a dating guru. But they said, but you're having success. What are you doing? And so in talking with men about dating, one of the most constant themes is, well, pretty women make me anxious. And I've come to realize, I think that's a universal truth, is that if you are attracted to somebody, especially if you're a guy and you're physically attracted to a woman, it's going to make you anxious. You've turned into what I've heard called a sexual celebrity.

You know, would you walk up to George Clooney or Brad Pitt if you saw him in the mall and just start talking to him? No. And if you did, you'd be really nervous and you'd probably be a real geek, you know, if you tried to approach them. That's what happens with most guys in Pretty Women is that we just, you know, we put them up there on the George Clooney, you know, Brad Pitt celebrity pedestal and we get nervous. And what I found is, okay, I tell guys,

that makes you normal. It makes you normal. If you're really attracted to a woman, you're going to get nervous. And if you get nervous, probably a lot of your really bad traits are going to come out and that she's all she's going to see. And then you're going to go away thinking, oh, attractive women just aren't attracted to me. And so that gets perpetuated. And so you get more and more nervous. And then

so many guys I work with only want to date the most attractive women, but these are the very women that they are terrified of actually even having a conversation with. So they're, of course, never going to go on a date with a woman. So a core piece that I've been teaching men that worked for me is I just work with men about learning to become a social animal, to just get out and learn to start being social with people, to interact with people with no attachment to outcome. You're not trying to make anything happen. Guys will say, well, how do I approach that girl I like?

I go, what do you mean you like? Well, yeah, I like her. I want to talk to her. I go, she's standing all the way across the fucking room. How do you know you like her? Well, she's pretty. I go, okay, that's a different thing. You know, she's pretty and you're attracted to her and it turns

you on, but that's different than liking her. You don't even know if she has a good personality. So how can you know you like her? And I said, well, you could just walk across the room and tell her, hey, you know, I'm really insecure. You know, I'm a typical guy. It really boosts my ego. If you gave me a phone number and went out with me, all my guy friends would think I i'm so amazing because i have a hot woman on my arm and i have this fantasy that you're going to be just fucking amazing in bed because you know you look sexy so that must translate to great sex and and so um i'd like to take you out yeah and going back to the honesty thing i actually think women would respond better to that yeah then you know, some cheesy, corny line. So, and that fits kind of the authentic piece.

But to me, the piece that just changes everything, that if you're just out practicing your social skills, interacting with people you have no agenda with, you know, baristas, waiters, waitresses, people sitting next to you, people in line next to you, just being a social person, you begin to develop some social chops that it just feels normal. And I think that does two things. One is, this is what's happened for me, what I've seen, is that sometimes I'll get done talking with somebody and kind of in hindsight, I'll go, she was young and she was cute. and that wasn't even on my radar yeah i mean i could see that but it wasn't what was dictating my interaction because i do it with everybody i'm interacting with everybody and then i realized i just had you know you know a cool conversation with a young cute you know chick and i wasn't even nervous because i wasn't i didn't have an agenda right i'm trying to get something to happen now the second piece i've learned from just being more

of a social animal is it makes you inherently attractive to all things feminine women dogs cats babies women or adventure money uh and so what happens is you don't have to chase down you don't you don't chase beauty what so many guys do is they go pound on a closed door like me like me give me a number want to go out with me and you know the woman doesn't even know we fucking exist you know we don't know you know we don't we're not even on our radar and what that does is put these blinders on us that we don't notice all the amazing opportunities that are just out there of women, the feminines sending us these signals that say, notice me, notice me. I'm paying attention. I'm sending you indicators

of interest. Pay attention to my IOIs. And all of a sudden, you don't have to be a pickup artist. You just have to walk through the open doors that the woman already opened for you. So I don't know if that even came close to answering your question because I kind of forgot what it was, but that's kind of the basic foundation that I try to work with guys on. Absolutely. I would add something. Go ahead. In dating, I think we're all lying when we're dating. We're kind of showing up, trying to present our best selves, both men and women.

I mean, we all want to make a good first impression, right? But for me, I will say that both the best dates I've ever been on and the worst dates I've ever been on were when I was just being my authentic self. I didn't hold back on that joke. I was honest about my opinions. I didn't agree with everything she said. And again, those are the best dates I've ever been on because those women liked me for me. I was being my authentic self.

And the ones that were the worst dates, they really didn't like me for me. I was being my authentic self. And the ones that were the worst dates, they really didn't like me for me. And that's great too, because then I can move on quickly and they can move on quickly. And we don't have to be, have to pretend to be people. We're not. And something Dr.

Glover says, but I think he borrowed from David data, but choose a woman who chooses you. Right. It's like, yeah. That's what I think he borrowed from David Data. But choose a woman who chooses you. Right? Yeah. Stole that from David Data. If I'm going to spend a large chunk of my life with someone, I think I want them to like me for me and my authentic self and vice versa. That's what's kind of silly about some of that pickup stuff.

It's like, why would I go? I think I say this in the book it's like why would i go do magic tricks for a woman if i'm not a fucking magician you know nice yeah completely but you can still peacock for her you can still wear outlandish outfits and you know you know do silly wear a tutu and you know be really silly um so that that. That's my thought on just being honest when dating. Don't hold back on who you are. If you have a joke, say it. If you have an impulse, do it.

If you have an opinion, share it. Don't you want to be dating somebody who likes you for you? Or do you want to spend the rest of your life holding back who you really are? Well said. Just to put one final button on the idea of socializing and approaching. Everything you said, Dr. Glover, I totally agree about how women are noticing our behavior. They notice a man who's socializing, who's talking to multiple people, especially in a venue where it's going to be a lot of single women, as opposed to the guy in the

corner on his phone trying to avoid socializing. So that raises your stature in my view. And one other benefit of talking to multiple people is you get what I call social momentum. And then you might all of a sudden approach a beautiful woman. And you don't, to your point, you don't even realize how attractive she is. You're just in social mode. And you're talking to her just like she's another person, which lowers the bar, lets you be more authentic and attractive. And you might be attracting a woman who you couldn't approach otherwise. But because you talk to five other people first, she's just another person. I actually had a woman, I dated her for a while.

I met her in the lobby of the W Hotel in Hollywood. And she was so impressed that I walked right up to her, even though she was standing next to a big muscular guy she was there with, albeit not as a date, just a friend. And she later said to me, it was so amazing the way you just came up to me and you didn't even care that I was next to Dan or whatever. And I literally didn't even notice Dan. I was just in social mode. He wasn't a threat. He wasn't an ally. He was just a person next to another person. And so I sort of tricked myself into being really confident and she loved it. So anyway. Okay.

Let's go to, um, let's get to some, some more practical first date tips or conversations with women tips. There's a, there's a section in one of your dating chapters, uh, Tony that I really like the three T's practicing the three T's to help, quote, create palpable sexual tension. Because the guy listening to this is probably in his head about, oh,

how do you create sparks with women? What do I talk about? What do I say and do on a date? Could you talk about the three T's? Sure. I'll start and then I'll throw it over to Doc. But this is one of the things I think hard um and there's really not that much you need to remember um but we think there is um so the three t's again that's you know that's one of dr glover's concepts and it makes it really easy for guys to remember and the three t's are touch, tease, and tell. And it kind of goes back to being authentic and honest. It's like, you know, if you have an impulse to touch the woman, which you should

if there's chemistry there and you're vibing, you know, don't be afraid to touch her. I mean, at some point you have to break the touch barrier if you're going to escalate the interaction. So touch her arm. Put your hand on the small of her back.

Sit at the bar so you can intertwine your legs. All that is being man to woman. It's creating tension on a date. You're with this woman because you ultimately want to be intimate with her. So, you know, you can start breaking the touch barrier on the date. So touch, tease, again, you know, teaser, be playful, be your authentic self, make that joke, you know, share that opinion. Don't treat her like she's a sexual celebrity. Don't put her up on a pedestal.

Tease her a little bit. That creates tension and a sort of playfulness and a vibe. And then the last T is tell. Tell her what to do in a very playful way. Again, that creates tension, that creates polarity. And if you tell her to do something that she already wants to do or tell her to do something in a really playful way, they like that. Yeah. And those are the three t's i would add two more t's take lots of dick pics and text them to her immediately that's well that's just me though okay um yeah those are good after you have her consent for sitting okay fine mr woke fine be that way uh there's another section

of the dating chapter that i loved. It's about asking better questions and just the art and the essence of flirty, light, good dating banter. One of the biggest problems I hear all the time, and I'm sure you both have heard it, is what do I say? What do I talk about? Or, hey, I get stuck in interview mode. I get stuck in interview mode and she gets bored. Can you, Dr. Glover, I'll ping this back to you. Why do guys get stuck asking bad questions and what are better questions to ask on dates? And maybe that's even still the wrong question. Because here's the thing, you hit the nail on the head head is that I think we guys get that women tend to be verbal.

And so we think if they're going to want to be with us, we have to match them verbally or even exceed them verbally. And if you actually pay attention, you know, to most interpersonal relationships, yeah, women use a lot of words. I mean, statistically, people have studied this kind of thing. And guys tend to use fewer words. We just kind of, you know, say, fuck that, you know, and we move on. And women will talk it to death. Again, I'm making a generalization. But what happens is we guys think we got to go match them and go be, you know, as interesting verbally as what they have with their girlfriends. And actually what that is, is that's a really quick pathway to actually becoming what I call a girlfriend with a penis. You know, I tell guys, you know, women don't put you in the friend zone.

Men put themselves there. And so even like going back to the three T's, most of it, you know, I started teaching guys to date. I was teaching guys that basically spent all their time in the friend zone, either never, never having a woman in their life or just being friend zoned by them or by themselves. And so really all I've ever said is just, you know, don't hold back. Don't hold back. Like the touching is you want touch her. Well, don't hold back. If you want to tease her, don't hold back. You want to, you know, tell her, let's go do this. Don't hold back. And it's not a technique.'s just a reminder be you be you don't hold back whatever is in the

impulse you have is is to don't hold back so what happens though is then we get that we go okay i'm gonna go on a date i've got to entertain her i gotta be interesting i get and and like i'll tell guys listen women like to talk and i promise you if she's at all interested in you, you really don't have to say all that much. She'll do the talking. And if you're on a date with a woman and neither one of you can think of anything to say, it's probably a pretty good sign you're not a very good match for each other. Because when people are a pretty good match, they've got a chemistry that just unfolds without you working at it and then if you take that a step further i'm a big fan for you know guys especially interacting with women the fewer words the better i'm a big fan of action over words you know instead of saying

you know you know you know would you want to go da da da dada-da-da-da-da? Take her hand and just say, let's go. Just an action. Would it be okay if I kissed you? Just fucking kiss her with consent. So it's action that's more important. And so if you're not holding back, and even if you're even just, if the woman brings up exes on a first date, which I don't know why the fuck they do that but almost every woman does that you know they bring up their ex or your ex and i just say hey let's save exes for second date discussion you know and

you know early on i wouldn't have been that bold about it i would have thought what she wants to talk about exes let's talk about exes right yeah you know that's second date stuff and i said another thing i started doing is creating rules. And just to, you know, just to basically be playful and lead. And, you know, if I'd ask a woman out, I'd say, meet me here. And then she goes, well, let me pay for half. And I go, no, my rule is I always pay for first date. Well, no, no, let me pay.

No, that's my rule. You know, we'll talk about that on a second. So second date is, well, you paid last. No, my rule is I sec so second date is well you paid lat no i my rules i always pay second date well you paid the first date i go tell you what if you want a third date you can plan it and pay for it and so i would create these rules that don't have a lot of discussion to them it was just you know the other rule was wait for me i'll open your door right well you know i i'm not used to that well okay, okay, but wait for me. I'll open your door. And so it's more about the action of how you physically show up with a person

and not how do I sit there and have a really interesting conversation to make myself seem interesting enough that she'll want to keep talking to me. The truth is you don't really want to keep talking to her. You really want other things to be happening than sitting in a coffee shop talking about, you know, exes. You really want more interesting things to be happening. I can't agree. I can't agree more. That don't usually involve so many words. Yeah, beware, dear listener,

of the dreaded 30-minute conversation about your exes. It does not help you. It does not serve you. I like your tip about just... Unless you're telling them how you cheated about your exes. It does not help you. It does not serve you. I like your tip about just... Unless you're telling them how you cheated on your exes, then maybe that will work out okay. I don't know about that. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence.

For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't so that you can. Confidently approach women and get dates.

Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. Here's what I do. Here's what helps my guys. If a woman brings that up, you can keep the topic in the same category but shift it to first date horror stories. And then say, ask her, tell me about your craziest, weirdest first date you ever had instead of talking about relationships. That's a fun, light, ice-breaking topic where she gets to talk about dating and

talk about the guy who showed up with his coke dealer which is a true story on a first date and then you're talking about dating which women do like to do but you're not talking about your exes you're having fun you're talking about it in a light way and then you're also she's she's subconsciously comparing the coolness of you to the freaky weird dudes who she normally dates, which can make you look even cooler by comparison without you. Unless she really likes those freaky weird dudes. And then, you know, all of a sudden that could work against you, but no, yeah, not too weird. Not too weird. Uh, all great stuff. Okay. Next question is a short little short question short answer,

kind of a game. Again, one of the many chapters I really dug in The Big Stick is a chapter about dating myths or just myths in general about women and dating. So I'm going to throw a common perception at you, either of you, both of you, and I call this fact fiction. Tell me if it's a fact or tell me if it's fiction and then feel free to take a few seconds to talk about why it either is or isn't. Or maybe there's nuance. Are you guys game? Yeah, let's get real black and white. Cool. Here we go. All right. Perception number one, you have to be perfect with women. They want perfection from a man. Fact or fiction? Fiction. Fiction.

Why? Because it's not true. That's why. It's not true and it's not possible. Yeah. And, you know, as Dr. Glover says, did you say this originally or did somebody else? I steal a lot of stuff from other mean, what is attractive about perfect? Humans are attracted to other people's rough edges.

You know, it's your quirks and your idiosyncrasies and your peccadillos that make you interesting. Well, let's add another myth on top of that, because you're right, because guys think, well, basically once we put a woman on the pedestal because she's attractive, we think, oh, she's going to expect some similar level of perfection from me. The truth is, I tell men, in general, women are more insecure than men are. And the guy's going, I'm filled with insecurities. How could that be true?

And I go, think about it. As a woman, since you're a little girl, you get your value from your perceived beauty and attractiveness. And if you're not pretty, little girls grow up with no sense of value if they're not pretty. And even if they are pretty, every girl can look around and find other girls that are prettier than them. And believe me, trust me, women do that all the time even well into adulthood they're always looking around measuring themselves that means they're walking around always thinking i'm not good enough i'm i'm not pretty enough i i i was doing a dating workshop down in las vegas at the palms with a buddy of mine years ago and before the workshop he and i were just sitting out by the pool and all these, you know, really attractive pool waitresses were coming by. And I told him, let's try something.

So every waitress that came by, I said, come here. My buddy and I are having a discussion. And I said, I believe that every woman has some fundamental physical insecurity about herself. And we asked each woman, what's yours? Now, don't, you know, that came off as real confident, number one, because we're asking them to talk about their flaws every woman i remember three in particular without hesitation just said what their physical and these are gorgeous women i'm sure gorgeous women one said i'm bow-legged i go yeah you kind of are another one said you know i i have complexion issues since i was a teen i go yeah i hadn't noticed but see it. Another one said, I don't like the little hump on the top of my nose. Yeah, you do. And you know, stuff that I was not picking apart until she pointed it out. And I promise you, she picks it apart in herself

all the time. And so that's why we don't have to be perfect. We just know that maybe they're more insecure than we are. And maybe they just want some relief from that little hamster wheel in their head that keeps reminding them they're not good enough. It's so freeing to lower the bar for having to be perfect in yourself as a man and just settle for being authentic, great, awesome, good, good enough, good enough is enough for most women. And that's very freeing feeling to not have to be perfect. And kind of going back to that thing, like Tony said, if the woman doesn't just think you're amazing as you are, you know, loves your corny jokes, you know, you know, loves your kissable

lips or thinks you have sexy eyes or just loves your hands. That's the shit women actually tell me, you know, that they love, that they love them. I'm going, my hands, my eyes, you know, I can't believe that. You know, women say, I love your bald head. And I go, I'm not bald, I'm shaped. You know, I just, I'll be polite. But the stuff women say that they're attracted to is not the stuff in the pickup books that says you have to be to get women to be attracted to you. Great.

All right. Next question. Next perception. Tell me fact or fiction. Women are attracted to assholes. I think that's one of those nuances, nuanced questions or nuanced answers. Give us some nuance out of Tony. I don't think they're actually looking for assholes.

I think they're looking for men. You know, the opposite of a nice guy is not an asshole. It's an integrated man. It's a man who stands up for himself and his values, stands up to her, sets boundaries, sets the tone and takes the lead, is honest and authentic, creates tension. That doesn't make a man an asshole. I think some women might be attractive to assholes, even men who are abusive. and that could be for a number of reasons things that maybe happen to them in childhood or the relationship dynamic between their parents or

what have you but i think most women are just looking for a strong confident charming man uh and that i don't think that equals asshole. Here's the deal. I'll tell guys. Get out of guys' perspective around dating all comes from their own echo chamber in their own head and porn and reading blogs on the internet and shit. Put yourself in a woman's shoes.

What women have evolved to be attracted to is strength. Whether we call that confidence or whatever we call it. But evolutionary, our male ancestors were powerful hunters and warriors and providers and protectors. That's in our DNA. And so women get to choose nowadays. There aren't really many. That's why if you read any romance novel and i do recommend i read one or two romance

novels a year and they all say they're all formulaic they say the same thing but they're always attracted to that kind of you know dark unavailable the strong you know navy sealish you know kind of guy and and and what the story is is is in their DNA is that guy may not be available. I think he's actually a dick, but he does have a fierceness about him that he could provide and protect for me. Now, so women's choices pretty much aren't what you find in the romance novels. Their true day-to-day choices are the nice, passive guy that's trying to please them be their friend fix their problems hope that she likes them won't stand up to her couldn't you know you know couldn't provide protect or you know you know and then the guys over there they're just dicks well at least the

dicks have a little bit of you know maybe a little bit of fierceness a little bit of you know, maybe a little bit of fierceness, a little bit of, you know, not boring. And so are they attracted to that? No, they don't want a dick, but it's even worse to be boring. That's just the worst sin for a guy, if you were the woman. Being boring, it's just gonna, it just turns the faucet off. So do they go for the jerks? Yeah, they do. Because that's the only choice they got compared to being going out with a wussy doormat. And, you know, women will try that occasionally and then just usually walk all over that wussy doormat. Right. And then go, well, I this other guy, he's he's actually kind of a jerk to me, but but I can't walk all over. I think I'll go try that again

right well i agree with both of you and tony you said something great which made me think of a woman i used to know you said women don't want the opposite of a nice guy is not an asshole i 100 agree um i once interviewed a beautiful woman, a professional model, an aspiring actress. She lived at the time in Hollywood. And I said to her, do women, what do women want? And she basically said, not using your definition, Dr. Glover, but she said, we want nice guys. We like a nice, sweet guy. And she said, as long as he has a backbone. That was her way of saying, as long as he had strength.

As long as he had his real opinion. In other words, he was an integrated man. And she said, we're so sick of men who are selfish or narcissistic or abusive. And what I kind of heard her saying was some of those bad boys, in other words, tap into the strength that they want. But, of course, at a steep cost. They have to date an asshole whereas you can be a good solid man an integrated man and still be a good solid nice polite man at your core but also give women that strength so i think we're all in here great i i think uh one of the things that you point out connellnell, in your book, which I love, is sort of this myth of the alpha male that's kind of being perpetuated on the Internet.

Kind of. listeners probably can attest to this a lot of the messaging is you have to become a quote-unquote alpha male to get the girl get the promotion live a great life and when you picture an alpha male at least when I picture an alpha male yeah I think of like the rock or somebody like that it's like most of us are not going to be that guy. That's just the reality. And you point out in your book, like this whole alpha male thing is kind of a myth. It's really just like a debunked theory

from wildlife biology. And so my point is that I think this whole alpha male thing makes a lot of men feel worse about themselves because they think, oh, I have to become the rock or somebody like that, or I'm just some, you know, beta male loser. And you don't have to be this, I don't know, so-called alpha male figure. You don't have to be the beta male loser there's an in between and there's a

better way it's an integrated man it's something we can all aspire to be and it's you don't have to have the six pack abs or the huge bulging muscles or the square jawline or a million dollars in the bank uh to be attractive or dreadful you do need to like you said like in like we were just talking

about have strength have some confidence have some belief in yourself have a great life you know have friends have hobbies have passions um all those things make you an attractive man Have a great life. Have friends. Have hobbies. Have passions. All those things make you an attractive man. Anyway. Well said. Have an inflatable stick. That's my motto. Have this inflatable stick, which I'm holding up to the camera.

You've sold me on the inflatable stick.'m telling you one the from when the paperback or the second edition comes out of the big stick everybody gets a big stick come on guys get with it geez i have to do your marketing for you jesus christ yeah sure yeah yeah i'm thinking yeah why not you are marketing okay last topic and then we'll wrap up. Let's talk about some integrated actions that the gentleman listening to this can go out and take in his life, dating or otherwise. And that's one of the things I really like about your book

is how practical the big stick is. Almost every chapter, many sections end with, here are some integrated actions you can take. And let's start with maybe an internal action and an external action. Perhaps we can talk a little bit about, Tony, about self-limiting beliefs, how to first identify what limiting beliefs might hold you back, and then maybe there's a couple of external actions that that man can go out and take out in the world. What do you got?

I actually think when it comes to self-limiting beliefs, I think the internal action and the external action are almost one of the same. I think you have to go out and test your assumptions. So what beliefs are holding you back? i guess the first thing you can do is what is the belief do you have actually have any evidence to support that belief usually the answer is no but you know you have to go out and test your assumptions so for example i used to believe that i was deeply unattractive, that I grew up with that belief. I didn't, I had a little bit of evidence that caused me to develop that belief from early in

childhood. But as an adult, you know, I had to look at the evidence like even when I started even when women started telling me I was attractive even when I started dating attractive women even when I started getting laid a lot more I had all this evidence to the contrary of my belief so so I had to look at that and and you're you're really good about that you you're really good about getting guys to play judge jury and prosecutor with themselves it's like you know okay do you have any evidence to support that you're deeply unattractive. But, but again, you have to go out and test your assumptions. Like, like, you know, if I, if I have the belief that women aren't interested in me, women don't find me attractive. Women don't want to date with me. There's only one way to really find out if that's true. You have to go out and talk to women.

Yep. Yeah. I do something with my guys where I have them do a thought experiment and I say, all right, what's your biggest limiting belief? And it might be, I'm just too ugly. Women don't want to date me because I'm ugly. And I say, okay, next make that case to a jury. Imagine you're in a courtroom. The judge is watching you. 12 jurors are watching you. What is your evidence of that? And usually he's like, um, I haven't had many dates lately. And I said, okay, what else you got? And he just, he runs out of evidence. I say, how many women have said to you, Barry, you're just not attractive enough for me. He's like, never. And then you can, you can start picking away at

this limiting belief and start poking holes in it. And just like in a courtroom, all our brains need is reasonable doubt. Yeah. One of the things like Dr. Glover always tells guys to do is go out and get rejected. Go try and get rejected. Yeah. Uh, and it's like, first of all, if you're trying to get rejected, you're probably going to act more boldly and more confidently than you might otherwise act. But usually you're not going to get rejected all the time. You're going to get rejected less than you think you're going to get rejected. So, again, go out and test that theory and get some evidence that stack, start stacking up some evidence that your belief is fucking bullshit.

Let me read, let me read a quote from one of your integrated action points in the book. It's, it's about self-limiting beliefs. You write quotes, make it a priority to go somewhere you don't normally go. Talk to people you wouldn't ordinarily talk to. Make eye contact and smile. Take a chance. Pay attention to the garbage that your mind is shouting at you. And write about your experience in your journal. Those are great actionable points.

Yeah, and it's kind of like what Dr. Glover was saying. It's like become a social animal you know i mean if you have social anxiety to any degree if you are intimidated by women if you have a fear of rejection if you're just kind of lonely and feeling a little isolated the only way to get over all that stuff is to get out of your fucking house and go interact with people you can't think your way out of this stuff i mean you can sit at home and journal and and observe your beliefs and challenge them all you want and that's that's all well and good but at some point you have to get out of the fucking house and go talk to people. True that.

That's really the only way. Dr. Glover. Oh, sorry, Tony. Go ahead. No, I mean, it's all about you have to challenge yourself and step outside your comfort zone a little bit and face your fears. And we'll pass it over to Dr. Goldberg. But I think he'll agree with this too. And I'm going, yeah, what he said.

Yeah. And I think he'll agree with this too. Going back to your question about what's an immediate action you can take, hire a coach, join a men's group. Build a foundation of positive, supportive, encouraging people who can hold you accountable and who you can reveal yourself to.

Beautiful. What he said. Final thing is for either of you. Before we talk a little bit about where to get the book and your program, Tony, any final thoughts that we didn't get to that you just feel is important to share? Either one of you, please feel free to fire away. Well, I'll throw out one piece.

And one of the things I've seen from working with men over the years is that culturally, for whatever reason, I don't even know. I won't even try to worry about it. A lot of men identify their worth in terms of their relationship status and ability with women. Like if, you know, if they're of a certain age and not married, well, there's something wrong with me. Or if they're of a certain age and not had sex, there's something wrong with me. Or if it's been X amount of times since they had sex, there must be something wrong with me. Or if I don't have a girlfriend, or if my girlfriend's had sex, there must be something wrong with me. Or if I don't have a girlfriend, or if my girlfriend's not pretty enough,

there's something wrong with me. And if you really, if you get men to talk, you know, really about what goes on inside their head, most men identify their worth in terms of relationship status around women. And then we always find this where I'm flawed. There's very few guys that are out there going, I'm great because I've had a lot of great women, a lot of

great sex. I'm in an amazing relationship. And the guys that actually are pretty good at this don't base their sense of worth on that in the first place. But most guys that have any kind of insecurity, which is a lot of guys, usually it has to do with how they view their success with women in general. Which brings us back to the thing that we just said, and I'll keep going back to, as a marriage therapist, I've been telling couples who walk in my office, and I always say, one of the best things you guys can do, both of you need to have good same-sex friends.

And I tell men, a healthy relationship with a woman is built on a solid foundation of good relationships with men if men are disconnected from men if men have daddy issues if men you think all other men are jerks if men don't know how to relate to other men if men dislike their own masculine self try all want. They're not going to get enough women or get a good enough woman to make them feel okay. So the work that we do really does happen in the presence of men. And that's how our ancestors grew up in tribes. We connected with men. We had initiation. We spent our time with men. It's only been about 60 years in human history that men have spent a lot of time around women. I mean, if you go back to our grandfather's age, you know, back in that day,

they didn't spend all that time around women. They were out doing guy things with guys. Now, I'm not talking about let's, you know, go revert to some patriarchal, you know, bullshit thing. But what I am saying that as a guy, if you're trying to figure out what is your worth and value as a human being, based on how many times you've had sex, how pretty of girls you've been with, or whether or not you're married, or, you know, your wife's wanted to have sex with you anymore. That's, it's a terrible model to use. So connect with men. That's where I feel loved. It's where I feel valued. And as you even indicated, Donald, that if you're in a venue where there are men and women and you're connected with

men and not just going around checking out the women or, you know, just hitting on woman after woman, the women come to you. And that's been my experience over and over again. I went out, I had a group of guys that were all older than me, about five of us. We used to go out once a month to happy hour. And I remember one time we're sitting in a happy hour, just talking a little round table, not paying attention to anybody. And we're about to get up and go. And the waitress came over with a tray of kamikazes. And we said, what are these? And they said, oh, you know, the girls at the bar sent those over. You know, there's a bunch of 20 somethings, you 22-year-old girls, young women. And I was the

youngest guy, probably about 50 at the time. And they sent us kamikazes. And we said, why the kamikazes? They go, you guys just look so cool, like you're having such a good time. And we just wanted to be a part of it. So the point is, connect with men. Get good guy friends. Get that coach, like Tony says. Get in the men's group. I'm in a men's program. My recovery work from nice guy syndrome began in a men's group. And so you want a great kick-ass life, and if you want to attract the best women, build that on a foundation of good relationships with men.

Fantastic. The book is called The Big Stick by Tony Endelman based on 40 years of work by Dr. Glover. And yeah, it's 40 years of wisdom packed into a few hundred pages. I absolutely recommend you go out and find it. Tony, where can our listener go and get your book? Amazon. You know, they can go to my personal website TonyEndelman.com

they can also go to BigStickBook.com and read all about you know the book and kind of the back story of it and there's also a whole bunch of free downloads and shit that are supplemental

free inflatable sticks. No, if you go to big stick book.com, you can buy the book from there, but there's also a lot of supplemental downloads. Like there's a complete workbook with all the integrated actions in him. There's a whole bunch of other stuff, worksheets,

podcasts, you know, I think what? 31 gifts. 31. I think, what, 31 gifts? I think that's what we counted. I can't say gifts because I have a speech impediment. 31 supplemental gifts plus goodies. Complete workbook. So TonyRendelman.com, that's where you can read all about me, read my writing

schedule a call with me BigStickBook.com all about the big stick and what is the Integrated Man program? Tell us about that and we'll wrap up let's plug two real quick I have a program called

Integrated Man University which I've been running for about a year now. It's amazing. It's an online course plus there's a group coaching component. We have group calls every Monday night. We've become like a family. So again, that's called Integrated Man University. But I would suggest like if guys want to reach out to me, go to my website and schedule a call with me and let's chat and let's figure out what's the best option for you. And then Dr. Glover I know wants to talk about Integration Nation,

which is something he and I and about seven other coaches have been working on for, for a while now, many months, 14, 15 years. Right. Yeah. Integration. I'll let him talk about integration nation real quick, please. Yeah. So I just, yeah, got the hat on. I said, you know, we've been talking about connecting with men and I'm such a fan of it. I decided, you know, about two years ago I needed to build a worldwide community where men can connect with other good men. And and that's Integration Nation. And Tony's been a part of helping to build that is going to we're talking to each other in May of 2023, is going to launch in June of 2023. And I just tell guys, go check it out, integrationnation.net. And, you know, go find out why a lone wolf doesn't survive alone in the wild, and neither can we. We need men.

So with that, drglover.com is the easiest way to find me, and integrationnation.net to go find good men. Fantastic. Thank you both for going so long with me today. Uh, appreciate that. Uh, it was great conversation. Oh, this'll never air. This'll never air. Uh, this is just, this was just an exercise. Uh, no, it'll all go in as is let's keep it real. Let's keep it raw. Um, thanks for being here and thank you for listening. And I'll see you next time. And remember, women already like you.

They just have to meet the real authentic you. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.