How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Be Bold, Flirty—and Never, Ever ‘That Creepy Guy’: A Dating Guide for Modern Gentlemen

Episode Date: June 3, 2025

Dating and flirting can feel like a minefield. If you’re like many men in the #MeToo era, the fear of seeming creepy or weird can crush your confidence. In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett shows you how to be bold, flirty, and totally respectful, so you can charm women without crossing any lines. This is your guide to building a real connection with class and confidence—as the modern gentleman women actually want!Highlights of this Episode:01:23: Avoid the Lunge, the First-Kiss Mistake that Women Hate06:25: How to Text Her in a Persistent, Charming Way—without Being Pushy or Thirsty09:30: The Do’s and Don’ts of Office Romance14:42: Should You Ask Her Permission to Kiss Her?18:21: How to Sext in the Way Many Women Want25:33: What to Do—and Not Do—When She Visits Your Place for the First Time27:58: How to Respectfully Get Consent without Killing the Mood34:49: The Story of Alex, Who Helped Connell Become a Better Man42:00: What Women Need Most from Men TodayFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO FIND OUT IF DATING COACHING CAN HELP YOU ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND:http://www.datingtransformation.comWANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[e-mail]

But I also want you to know that the litmus test for being a man is not how good you are with women. The litmus test for being a man is how good you are to women. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett, helping you flirt with confidence, get more dates and get a great girlfriend all by being authentic. Authenticity is the secret. And I want to open with a quick story from many, many years ago about a date I had that might resonate with you. Years ago, I'm on a first date and I'm walking a woman named Stephanie to the subway from the bar.

We just had our first date and I hear this little voice in my head saying, kiss her, kiss her as we walk to the subway it's now or never do it and Stephanie and I stop at a crosswalk near the end of the date and then I went for it but she had been checking her phone so when she looked up my incoming lips must have seemed like a sneak attack she recoiled and I caught the corner of her pursed mouth for a very awkward first kiss that she did not see coming. And I said, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I felt I felt clumsy. I felt a little bit creepy. And she said, um, it's it's okay. And then she vanished down the steps to catch the train. Good night.

And there was no second date. She went totally quiet. Now looking back years later, I now realize my rookie mistake. I call it the lunge. What is the lunge? It happens near the end of a date when a guy like you or me, you sense that you've been playing it too safe and you feel pressure to make a move because you don't want to get friend zoned. But at the same time, you don't want to make a woman feel uncomfortable, especially in the Me Too era. And so finally, feeling that you have to do something, you just go for the first kiss. You lunge like a quarterback heaving a desperation fourth down pass. And this

usually doesn't end well because the woman is surprised, it's miscalibrated, and she either pulls back, which sucks and hurts, or she endures an awkward lip lock like poor Stephanie did that evening many years ago. If you're like most men, the Me Too era has made dating even more confusing than it was before. You're a good-hearted guy and you probably, if you're like a lot of guys, you feel caught between two extremes. On the one hand, you don't want to do anything appropriate. On the other hand, you fear that not making a move is going to lead you to hearing the dreaded, hey, let's just be friends,

or I'm just not feeling a connection. And so new dating lines have been drawn. Post Me Too. And you might not be sure where they are. Can you approach in the daytime or is that harassment? Can you ask for her number or do you have to wait till she gives her number to you? Do you need verbal consent before sex? Before foreplay? Before kissing? Can you sext a woman? Is that creepy and wrong? Well in today's episode, I want to address some of the biggest problems that you might be facing in terms of

looking for love here in the MeToo era. And I have really good news. I want you to know that because you are a man with integrity, you're a gentleman with good intentions, that actually dating today is gonna be... it's easier than you think. You can still make moves, you just have to do it the right way. And also at the end of this episode I'm gonna share a really powerful personal story about a woman I once knew, the love of my life in the 2010s. I dedicated my book to her, Dating Sucks But You Don't, I dedicated my book to her. She's a woman I knew and used to date. She is a survivor of sexual assault. And just knowing her and

being with her as she went through that experience really opened my eyes to the importance of the MeToo movement and just helped me become a better, more empathetic man. So let's get into it. First things first, as I tell my clients, and empathetic man. So, let's get into it. First things first, as I tell my clients, and I wanna tell you, my podcast listener, that the Me Too movement affects men, but it's not about men. It's not about you, it's not about me.

It's about the awareness of the widespread mistreatment and abuse of women and girls. It's also about empathizing with survivors and sufferers of that mistreatment. And I believe the Me Too movement is also about our men doing our part to make women's lives better. And so I think the Me Too movement is a cultural shift that is welcome and long overdue. And yes, you, a lot of men, maybe you are undeniably and understandably afraid of making some dating missteps. But that misses the point, which is the main point of the MeToo movement, at least through the lens of men, is empathy for women. So please don't be that guy who, because of the MeToo era, tells us, oh, well, you're going to have to make the first move now, because men can't

do it anymore. Women hate that mentality, because it shows a lack of understanding about the meaning of the movement and plus women still want men to be men. They still want us to lead the dating dance. And understanding this is going to help you better connect with women. Okay? So what I want to do first today is I want to go through nine or ten of the most common dating questions and dating problems that I hear from men relating to the MeToo era. So here are some of the most common questions about how to date in 2025 and beyond. Here's the first question. I get this one a lot. What's the

difference between flirting and misconduct? Well, it's pretty simple. Flirting is showing romantic interest in a charming, light manner. And it also refers to behaving appropriately based on how she responds. If she likes your flirting, you can keep going. If she doesn't like your flirting, you can wish her well and move on. You did not harass a woman by flirting with her. You simply took a shot at romance. There is nothing wrong with that. Misconduct or harassment is

when a guy pursues or imposes his sexual interest on a woman, often in a vulgar way, a deceptive way, or a manipulative way. And that is misconduct and harassment if the woman is not interested, okay? Next question, can I be persistent without being harassing? Yes, if you're elegant about it. Here's a simple rule. If she's obviously not into you, move on. If you have clear evidence that she is not into you, move on. But if you're not sure if she's interested, find out in a respectful, charming way. The proper amount of persistence is often rewarded by women, but persisting when there's clearly no interest from her, that can become harassment. So, for example, let's say you match with a woman on a dating app and she doesn't reply

to your first message in a day or two. That doesn't mean she's ghosted you. She may be busy. She may just have other things going on. So feel free to send a follow-up, positive, light, playful, positive follow-up message, almost like a short PS to your opener. Oh, PS, by the way, I love your skydiving photos. I'm curious, how many jumps have you done? So this approach, following up with some persistence and lightness,

is really going to serve you well over time. I've had many different women say to me, hey, I liked that you were persistent. But what they also meant was I like that you were persistent, but also charming. What I didn't write was, Hey, why didn't you get my why didn't you write me back? Did you get my message? Why didn't you write me back? Don't be that guy. Now, if she doesn't reply after two or three messages, let it go. What you never want to do is get upset or angry, or grow negative or judgmental. Okay, that can verge on harassment. You want to understand that hey, some women are going to be into texting and meeting you plenty aren't even

if they matched with you. It's totally cool. Most men either give up too soon, which is what you probably do, or they keep trying and send 14 creepy weird text messages. That's way too much. You want to find that sweet spot in the middle. So take some chances, persist with charm and then move on when you have clear crystal clear evidence that she's not interested. Okay, next question. Is it okay to date somebody I work with? I'm not a fan of office romances. I mean, even if you and your crush are of equal status at the company, dating a woman who you work with is dating disaster, courting disaster. A smarter strategy would be to use the tools I share here on the podcast and create an abundant

dating life outside of work so you can keep your office a romance-free space. Now absolutely do not date or pursue a woman who you supervise or manage or have power over at work. It's just wrong. It can lead to a hornet's nest of problems for you, for her, for your company, such as harassment claims, accusations of unfair treatment by other employees, not to mention litigation. Just don't do it. Next question. Should I wait for a woman who I like to ask me out?

No, don't wait for it. If it happens, if she goes all Sadie Hawkins day on you, awesome, be flattered, but don't wait for it. In general, in general, you want to be the one moving things forward. You want to lead that dating dance. Dating is a dance and our job as a man is to lead that dance. Actually, about nine out of ten women prefer to be asked out rather than doing the asking, according to psychology today. And similarly, you don't want to just give her your number and leave it for her to contact you unless she prefers this. I matched with a woman on the league once and I remember vividly I

said, hey what's your number? We should set up a time to meet up for a date and she said, here's my number. By the way, thank you. Thank you for asking or thank you for asking me for my number. I hate when guys give me theirs. When you give a woman your number, there's a really good chance that she's gonna feel like you're putting her in the masculine role. And women don't want that role. Typically, typically women want a more feminine role. They want the man to do the asking and she says yes or no. So you're the man. It's up to you to ask. It's up for her to say yes, no, or maybe.

Can I still make romantic gestures on dates? Yes, absolutely. Open doors, pick up checks, walk her to her car while noticing how she's responding, of course. Just make sure to keep the romantic gestures really small. What I mean by small is no lavish gifts. Don't give her flowers in the first couple of dates. Don't send her love poetry. I have a client named Kevin who will get a crush on a woman. After one date, he sent her like an 80 line poem that he wrote about her. No, you don't need to win her over. You are already enough as you are, okay? And don't forget that. You struggle with dating, right?

Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity

Which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love it's what I wrote about in my best-selling book dating sucks, but you don't and Radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America and now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend so go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me on our call I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Can I go for a first kiss? Yes absolutely you can and should

go for the first kiss. Just avoid the lunge. Okay, I Prefer a more stair-step approach to that first kiss You know you have that first date you greet her with a nice warm hug you emotionally connect Maybe a little bit of physical contact playful tap on her shoulder Touch her arm at times Open up emotionally, notice if she's laughing, if she's enjoying you, if she's returning some of the touch and some of

the flirtatious glances, then maybe hold her hand or go for the handhold. And once you're holding a woman's hand, if she holds your hand back, she's basically saying, I'm ready to be kissed. So that's when you go in. So save your lunges for the gym. Take it from me. Should I ask her her permission to kiss her? Should you ask permission to kiss a woman?

Well, yes, if you're a time traveling night from medieval Europe looking for love in the present day, that's actually not a bad screenplay idea. I could call it one night stand, modern rom-com. Bottom line is, by the way, I'm all about getting verbal consent for all sexual acts, as you're going to hear shortly. And asking a woman permission to kiss her might sound chillerous, but it's just not sexy. You know, it sounds like something from medieval times. Me thinks, me thinks thine lips shall want to be kissed.

Should a fair fellow make an attempt? No, not in 2025. Don't ask permission to kiss her. A woman tends to like it when a guy can read the signals and build romantic tension and just have the first kiss feel like it just happened. So I'd rather you lead that dating dance, that mando woman flirtatious dance that I talk about so much here on the pod and look for that kiss window to open and then you go in for that first kiss. Now I am open to one amendment to that rule. I don't like asking permission, but I do, I am more than okay with you looking a woman in the eye and just saying, hey, I want to kiss you, and

letting that statement of your interest linger in a sexy way. There's something really sexy and cool about a man telling a woman what he wants, as long as he's doing it from a place of connection and mutual win-win. And if you look a woman in the eye on a first or second date and just say, hey, I want to kiss you, she will then tell you what to do next. She might say, well, what are you waiting for? Boom, then you go in and you've created some romantic tension. It's really, really delicious.

And if she's like, oh, no, I never kiss on the the first date that's too soon for me hey great you just saved getting the cheek turned simply by putting your romantic desire out there but you didn't go for a kiss and create a potentially awkward moment that's a beautiful thing. Can you also put kissing on her mind so don't ask permission but tell her what you want to do and see how she responds to it. She'll tell you where to take it from there. Okay, next question. Is it okay to approach women in the daytime? Absolutely. Absolutely. As long as you do it with charm and empathy and a nice confident vibe. Act like you have permission and she will give you permission. There's nothing creepy about having a nice light conversation with an intriguing female stranger.

And you actually might be surprised how well many women respond to this. I was, I was once at an outdoor mall one afternoon when I met Maggie, this is early on in me learning about approaching. And at the time I was still really battling approach anxiety and I could think she could kind of sense it. And after I got her number, she said, by the way, thanks for coming up to me. We really like it when you come up to us. It's okay, we like it." It's like she was talking to all men. I really appreciated that from Maggie. Next question, what if I want to turn up the heat over text, but I don't want to cross a line? Basically,

this question is about sexting. Is it okay to sext women? So sexting is more than permissible and okay, as long as there's already existing chemistry and as long as she has consented to it. So what I mean is you want to ease into sexting. Don't go from how is your day to what are you wearing instantly? Okay, don't go from 0 to 69 In 7 seconds you want to build up to it build build that heat gradually so you might start with Something kind of G or PG rated like let's say you have a really good date. You guys have a nice Sexy kiss on the date next day, you might text her, Hey, I can't stop thinking about how great you looked last night. Now what you want to do is, is

read her response. Figuratively and literally read it. If she flirts back, Oh, yeah. Well, what did you like about what I wore last night? Or what did you like about how I looked last night? And then that's where you could escalate it a little bit more. Well your dress was low-cut and it was driving me crazy. I had to use all my willpower not to pull you closer. Now then you want to check her response to that right? If she keeps playing along she writes something like well who says you had to resist that urge? Winky face, devil emoji. She's giving you consent to keep notching it up.

Then you might write, careful, I am this close to telling you what I would love to do next time I see you. You're not telling her yet, you're hinting at it, and then she might say, ooh I want to know what do you want to do with me when you get me alone. Boom! Now you are about to have sext. So think of it as like sexy, slow escalation, mutual, slow sexy escalation. You're leading the dance and she's following. It's mutual and it's really hot. Now, what if she shuts it down? That's fine too. Let's back up. Let's say you write something like, I can't stop thinking about how great you looked last night, dot, dot, dot.

And then she just writes back, Oh, thanks. I had fun. Okay. She's not, she's, she may very well be open to another date with you, but she's basically not in the, in the sexting mode or mood at that moment. And then you would just pull back from there. Right. So you always just want to read that room, okay? Bottom line is you want to heat things up when it's shared and mutual. And if it's not, dial it down.

That's essentially we want to baby step this. Next and one last question, common question I get about dating in the Me Too era. Can I compliment a woman's appearance without offending her? Good question. Yes, you just want to do it with class. You want to tie her appearance. I like to tie it to something that she put effort into. So yes, a woman can absolutely enjoy hearing how pretty she is or how she looks incredible to you. And you want to offer that compliment with authenticity, with warmth, respect. I like to, here's the secret, if you're going to compliment something about her appearance, I like to make it about how

incredible she looks in that gorgeous dress she's wearing as opposed to her body parts. If you just compliment her body parts, you know, god damn girl, you got an ass that just won't quit, you know, that's gonna come off as cat-call-ish. You don't want to do that. It can make a woman feel objectified early in the dating process. But how about something like, oh my God, you look absolutely stunning in that dress. You make the rest of this bar look bad. Or instead of you have a beautiful smile, which is a bit of a cliche, but it's still nice.

Who doesn't want to hear they have a nice smile. I like to anchor it a little bit and how her smile is so powerful and special and how it's lighting me up. I might say, by the way, I know you've heard this before, but wow, your smile, it just lights me up. You have an incredible smile. If you're going to give a somewhat obvious compliment, that's a bit of a cliche, great smile, great eyes, then let her know how it's giving you the butterflies. And that makes it about you two connecting as opposed to you just being another guy saying,

oh my God, your eyes are amazing. And the other tip I have for you about complimenting a woman is, if you want to use the word sexy, which is a very powerful word, it is a bit polarizing. But if you want to call a woman sexy, great. Tell her that one of her traits is sexy. Okay? You know, my girlfriend Jess, on our first date, I told her how sexy I found her intelligence and her wit.

She's so funny. She's hilarious and quick witted and so funny. Now she doesn't love the word sexy she later told me, but she did love that I complimented her intelligence and her quick wit because most other guys are just at that time were just saying how cute she is. She's hot. She's cute. But I was the one saying, you know, it's really sexy about you, Jess. You're so funny. So quick with it. I'm usually the funny one on a date. I'm just trying to keep up with you. And she later told me how that really meant something to

her and almost melted her in a way. Okay, next question, a couple more. Any tips for getting her in the mood when she's at my place? Yes, here's how to get her in the mood. Buy a heart-shaped bed and don't forget to Windex the mirrors on the ceiling. Just kidding. Now sex may be on your mind when a woman comes over, but don't make that the primary goal. Okay? When a woman comes over, but don't make that the primary goal, okay? When a woman comes over, make her feel comfortable. So for the first 15 minutes or so when a woman's

at your place for that first time, give her space. Give her a tour. Show her around. Don't try to kiss her right away, even if things were hot and heavy at the bar. Things are gonna reset a little bit when she walks into your apartment or your house. Offer her a drink, put on some music. If you invited her over to do a thing, to play Jenga, to watch a video, to meet your dog, make sure you do the thing that you invited her over to do. And then once she's comfortable, after 15 or 20 minutes, then you might seek to pick up where you left off if you guys were getting hot and heavy at the bar. But again, always being aware of how she's feeling. Always, always, always. So if you start to kiss, you might be surprised.

You might pick up right where you left off. And if you don't, that's totally fine. Not every woman is is comfortable getting physical at your place, even if she was making out with you at the bar. So go at whatever pace she feels comfortable going at. Next question, if she does come over, should I expect sex? Absolutely not. Getting intimate is possible, but certainly don't expect it. And of course, never ever, ever, ever, ever pressure her for it. First, that's just wrong.

Secondly, it's ineffective. And if she feels pressured, she may never want to see you again. And she might leave you right then and there. She might just take off. There's so many good reasons for a woman to not have sex with a guy the first time she comes over or any time she comes over. But let's we're talking about the first time she's over. Lots of reasons. Fear of pregnancy, fear of assault, fear of STDs, not wanting to feel like a quote-unquote slut. We still live in a society where,

you know, wrong, right or wrong, I think it's wrong, but we live in a society where as men, we get to do the stride of pride and women do the quote walk of shame. I think that's changing in recent years in a good way, but bottom line is women have an anti, they don't want to feel quote unquote slutty because society looks at women differently who hook up versus men. So that's another reason why she might not want to have sex. She might not want to have sex just because she's not comfortable with you. She might want to wait until you're in a relationship.

Or a woman might not want to have sex just because. And that's a perfectly valid reason. Every woman has her own blueprint, her own rules for when she's ready for intimacy. So be 100% cool with that. Now paradoxically, when a woman comes over and you put 0.0 pressure on her, she's gonna trust you more,

she's gonna grow more comfortable with you. And actually getting physical could happen sooner rather than later just because you made her feel comfortable Next question should I get verbal consent for sex or does that ruin the mood? Great question Should you get verbal consent for sex or does that ruin the mood? For me, they can't possibly ruin the mood. Ruin the mood? No way. I mean to me, what word is sexier than a woman saying yes or the right woman saying yes to you? That's the sexiest word in the world. So yes, always get clear, enthusiastic verbal

consent before you engage in sexual acts. I remember a girl I dated many years ago named Catherine. I remember it was so cute. We were making out on my couch. It was our second date. Things were getting hotter and heavier. And I said, Hey, I really want to take you over to my bed, but I just need to know that you're cool with that. Can I take you over to my bed? Well, and I want to do x, y, z to you. And she had a great has a great sense of humor. And she she paused and put up her right hand and said, I Katherine such and such such and such enthusiastically consent to go to Connell Barrett's bed. It was hilarious.

So getting consent doesn't have to be something that ruins the mood. It can actually add a hilarious, beautiful sense of trust and playfulness. So yeah, get consent. But hey, I say get it in a sexy way. Ask her in a sexy turned on way rather than like an attorney asking a witness a question. Think Barry White, not Barry Sheck. Here are some really good sexy ways to seek consent.

Some of these come from me. I also got some of these from a sex educator, a woman by the name of Amber Amore, who is the founder of Creating Consent Culture. Some of these come from her. Here are some ways to get sexy consent act, act by act, before you have intimacy for the first time with a woman. You say these things, can I go down on you? Do you want me to keep going? How about we go into the bedroom and I insert sexual act you would like to do with her? I want you. Should I put on a condom? Do you want to do it from the back? Do you like that? How about morning sex? Now, if a woman says no at any point, stop immediately. Of

course. Amber Amore wrote something in the Huffington Post she wrote quote there are many ways to accept your partner's no including okay no problem or I respect that and Amber also adds very wisely I think that quote peacefully accepting rejection could potentially increase your chances of getting laid in the future. Well said Amber. And feel free to ask this woman to stay over. Even if you haven't had sex, feel free to ask her to stay over if you're comfortable with that. Some women need to sleep over and not have sex in order to feel that sense of safety and trust so that she can hook up with you the next time. I dated a woman named Christy for a while

and she later became my girlfriend and the first time she came over we kept it PG-13 that night. She spent the night, we cuddled, we snuggled, I'm a very cuddly snuggly person and so she spent the night and the next morning, and we were very PG-13, and the next morning, Christie rolled over and she got all NC-17 with me. And I believe it was simply because, hey, this guy treated me with respect. He didn't push too hard. He made me feel comfortable. And God bless her. I was rewarded. Thank you, Christie. Anyway, so far from being a mood killer, the more trust you build with a woman, the more you will both enjoy intimacy whenever it happens, whether it's date 2 or date 12 or date 22. Okay,

a couple final questions that are frequently asked about dating in the MeToo era. What if we've been drinking? Can we still have sex? Well, use your best judgment. Being buzzed is one thing, but a drunk woman cannot consent, not truly. So don't do anything sexual if she seems more than just tipsy. This is to protect her, it's to protect you, it's to protect both of you. When we have sex, how do I play it in the morning? How do I play it the morning after? Be sweet. Spoon pillow talk if she likes that and if you like that. Offer her breakfast and

coffee. Drive her home or offer to. Offer to drive her home or order a ride share car. And I loved, in my single days, I loved texting something lovey-dovey later in the day. I just wanted a woman to feel good about about being with me. So here's some text messages to consider. Feel free to adjust any of these as you see fit and add all of the heart-eye emojis that you want, but here's some great things to text a woman the day after your internet for the first time. Quote, my bed smells like you.

This is a good thing. You were amazing last night and you're making it very hard for me to concentrate on work. Hey this is my casual chill way of saying that I had so much fun with you and I would love to see you again. I can't stop thinking about you and the way you fill in the blank just wanted you to know. I have never been so glad to be so tired. Hashtag totally worth it. Two words, mind-blowing. Can't wait to see you again. How about, and then insert the day where you would like to see her.

Bottom line is, hey, this woman just hit the Egyptian cotton with you. Help her feel great about that decision. That's one of the ways we can give back to women who are nice enough to be intimate with us. Okay, I want to finish up with a really powerful, raw, personal story about a woman who I knew once. And I still do even though we're not currently in touch. I want to tell you about Alex. This is the woman I dedicated my book to. And I'm actually going to read something to you. I'm going to read you a direct short passage from my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And I'm actually gonna read something to you. I'm gonna read you a direct short passage from my book dating sucks But you don't and I was gonna read it to you right now. So here we go

I think this will all make sense to you as you listen to it. So please listen closely if you're still with me I'm really I'm really um, this is this is arguably The most powerful part of my book in my opinion the story of Alex The most powerful part of my book, in my opinion, the story of Alex. The deepest relationships can begin in the shallowest places. Alex and I met at a nightclub in Vegas. She reminded me of a 40s movie actress. Blonde, witty, and sardonic. Lauren Bacall could have played her.

We spent much of the weekend together. Alex wanted to keep dating me after Vegas. I didn't feel the same. I liked her, but at the time I mainly saw her as a hookup. More proof that my dorky, dateless former self was gone. Gorgeous college co-ed? Check. And then on to the next girl. and then on to the next girl. Alex was hurt but we remained friendly. We mostly texted wisecracks to each other. She loved teasing me about our age difference calling me old man. Late one winter night, Alex sent me a panicked text message. Connell, something awful has happened. Just the worst thing that could ever happen. I thought, uh-oh, did I get her pregnant? I was a master at worrying about myself. I called and she sounded shattered. She told me that at a bar a couple of nights earlier, she had run into a man who she knew.

He roofied her, rendering her semi-unconscious, then took her to a hotel and raped her. I was shocked. I am so sorry, I said. I'm here for you whenever you need me. In the months that followed, Alex and I spoke on the phone countless times. I did my best to comfort her through her panic attacks and her thoughts about suicide. I want to go to sleep and never wake up, she once said through tears. I want to stop seeing that night. Rape survivor Alice Sebold writes in her memoir Lucky, I've always thought that under rape in the dictionary, it should tell the truth.

It is not just forcible intercourse. Rape means to inhabit and destroy everything. Alex had opened a window for me into that destruction. I began to educate myself about violence against women. I had always known it was a problem, but I didn't know just how frequently women all over the world are murdered, raped, assaulted, sold, and vanished. It was astounding and appalling. Not all of our talks were raw and intense.

As time went on, we joked around a lot. She was there to comfort me when my mom died, and again a few weeks later when I was laid off from my magazine job. They can't do that, she said. That's discrimination against the elderly. I hadn't laughed so hard in months. We had become good friends. One night, I told her that I was sorry for discarding her after our initial fling. She forgave me. What I didn't come out

and say to her was that I felt ashamed for using her, in a sense, just for her body, because that's what her rapist had done. During a Skype call one evening, Alex's blue eyes seemed especially sad. Therapy had been grueling that day, she said, because more memories from her assault had returned. Awful things, she said. Her distant tone scared me. Are you okay, I asked? No, she said, her voice regaining some steel, but I will be. She was so wounded and yet so strong. That's when I knew I was in love. The next summer we were both unattached.

I told her I wanted to visit her. We spent most of three days together exploring her west coast city. We seemed to fit so well. On the last night of my trip, we went to bed together for the first time since we'd met four years earlier. Cuddling only, no sex. I'd been with a lot of women by then, but just holding my best friend in my arms was the most romantic night of my life. You know you're in love when a sleeping woman drools on you and you find it adorable. We waited three months to become intimate. When it happened, we held hands a lot, and I made sure not to brace her wrists so that she would not feel restrained. I kept asking her, is it okay if I...

I always thought the phrase making love was just a cheesy euphemism for sex. I now understood the meaning. It means that every atom in you is focused on the other person feeling safe, loved, and desired. Soon after, I told her I was in love with her. Because I'm a man, and sometimes an idiot, the words came out during a moment of passion. Alex found this cliche to be hilarious. Of course you say that while you're inside of me. She said with a laugh. She added sweetly.

I'm not ready to say it back. But if you want to keep saying it to me, that will be okay. That absolutely melted me. I thought of a Paul Simon song about how some people never say the words, I love you. Yet like a child, they're longing to be told. Our relationship ended abruptly over New Year's near the anniversary of her assault. She couldn't be with anybody right now she said. I feel like I'm a piece of shit person and I have to

figure stuff out. I had suspected that living 3,000 miles apart might be our main obstacle to making a relationship work, but that wasn't the only thing in our way. It's like there were 3,000 more miles between the way she saw herself and the way she saw herself now. How can you fall in love when you feel unlovable? Rape means to destroy everything. I told her that she was a wonderful person and that I would be her friend forever, both of which are true. A few years after our breakup we were still texting at times and she seemed to be in a good place. And by the way she was fine with

me sharing this story with you. She also called me a quote dweeb for taking up a couple of new nerdy hobbies. I really miss her teases. Alex awakened in me deep empathy for women and she helped me become far less self-involved. I wish it had not taken an unspeakable violent act to open my eyes but I'm still grateful for the clarity." End of excerpt from my book. Okay, so I'll end with this. I talk a lot about authenticity, as you know, from this podcast. I talk about it in my book. Authenticity is what women want from men. But what they need from us is empathy. When a man starts dating a woman, rejection, as painful as it can feel, is just about the worst thing that

can happen. But what can happen to a woman is so much worse. Eight out of ten women have experienced sexual assault, I'm sorry, have experienced sexual harassment. Twenty percent of women are victims of date rape at some point in their lives, and there's a one in four chance that the next woman you meet was sexually abused as a child. A term came to us from the Greeks. The ancient Greeks gave us the concept of eros, which is romantic sexual love. They also gave us the word agape.

This is a higher selfless, unconditional love and a compassion for all people. Now besides enjoying eros with a woman, a radically authentic man cultivates agape for all women and for all people. There's a TED talk by a thought leader named Tony Porter, an activist and thought leader named Tony Porter. And he says in his TED talk, I need you with me. He's talking to men. He basically says men need to know that it's okay to promote equality. It's okay to have women who are just friends.

It's okay to have women who are just friends. It's okay to be whole. And I want you to feel confident in your worth to women and to the world. I want you to attract a wonderful woman into your life. That's why I wrote my book. It's why I do this podcast. It's why I write a column. It's why I do what I do. I want you to find love and bring a wonderful

woman into your life. But I also want you to know that the litmus test for being a man is not how good you are with women. The litmus test for being a man is how good you are to women. So here are three, let's call these missions that you can do should you choose to accept them. Three things you can do. Number one is just get curious. Empathy is so important for women. Empathy is finding out how others feel and showing compassion for their feelings.

And empathy has a close cousin, curiosity. So get curious about people. Strike up conversations with women and men. Ask them about their lives, their feelings. Get curious. Second mission I have for you is just get aware. Get aware. As men, I think that we're largely blind to the privileges we enjoy as men. As men, we're generally not sexually harassed, generally. We're not cat-called. For the most part, we for the most part, we don't have to fear sexual assault. When we're in a bad mood, nobody blames it on our gender. Now, you may never think about

this. I know I didn't. And there's no need to feel guilt or shame about this. Because now you do know. And now you can take steps to become even more aware of the privileges that you and I enjoy as men. Because we do have many privileges that women don't have. And the third thing I advise you to do is get reading. The right book is a great way to open your mind to women's issues. Three titles you can consider. There's a wonderful book called Come As

You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD. This is the book your future girlfriend wants you to read, Come As You Are. It's packed with science. It's an exploration of the female, a female sexuality. It's also very funny. There's a chapter subtitled The Clit, The Whole Clit and Nothing But The Clit. So help me God. That's the name of the chapter subtitle. A Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood, iconic classic novel about what happens to society when women lose control over their bodies. classic novel about what happens to society when women lose control over their bodies. And then there's a Cheryl Strayed, S-T-R-A-Y-E-D, Cheryl Strayed's book, Wild. And Strayed is, it's a memoir, but it's more than a memoir about the author's journey. She took an 1,100 mile hike on the Pacific Crest

Trail, but it's more than that. It's also just a really gripping meditation on grief, and it's a really fearless look into the depth of emotions that a woman can experience when dealing with trauma. So those are your three missions, should you choose to accept them. Thank you for listening to an episode that is a bit of a departure, this topic, the topic of feminism, of respect for women, of becoming a more empathetic, kind man. I think it's really important and I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm working on it and I hope you do too. Anyway, thank you so much and don't forget your dream girlfriend she is out there and she's

gonna love you but she's gonna need to meet the real authentic you so go out there and take some action take authentic action with a lot of empathy and kindness both for yourself and for women and I'll catch you next time.