How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Flirt So Good She Can’t Stop Thinking About You (Live Coaching with Evan)

Episode Date: May 7, 2026

You see a woman you’d love to meet… and you freeze, overthinking the “perfect” line. And you’re left kicking yourself. In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach and best-selling author Connell Barrett helps his client Evan flirt so good that women can’t stop thinking about him! From bold openers to “wolfish” eye contact that women love, you’ll learn how to create instant sparks with women.07:45: How to Get Out of Your Head & Meet Women at Your Local Bar10:46: Approaching Isn’t Creepy—But Doing THIS Is19:53: What Stops You From Approaching Women40:32: “How To Spark Attraction With Eye Contact55:01: Why Women HATE “Interview Mode”STRUGGLING TO FLIRT WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN? BOOK A FREE CONSULTATION WITH CONNELL: DatingTransformation.comGET A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”: Email: [e-mail] (Write “Free Book” in Subject Line)

Whitty, amazing, funny lines are great, but most of the time women won't remember it. They'll remember the eye contact, the good posture, and just an overall vibe that says, hey, I belong here talking to you. Why wouldn't I come talk to? Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett, helping you know what to say and flirt like you mean it. And let's talk about how to flirt so good she can't stop thinking about you.

And to help us do that for this. this episode. I'm bringing back a returning guest, my client Evan, has been on before. And Evan first came to me a while back when he was struggling a little bit with how to approach women, what to say, struggling a little bit with the online dating openers. And he's since taking his dating results to a pretty kick-ass place. Let's talk with Evan about how to flirt so good. She can't stop thinking about you. Welcome back, Evan. Good to be back. Connell. Appreciate the re-invite. You're here so often. You're almost my co-host at this point. A lot of guys come to me and they say, Connell, how do I get out of my head? I'm in my head a lot. And I used to be in my head specifically when

I wanted to approach a woman. I always stopped and I said to myself, what do I say? I don't know what to say to women. That 20 years ago, that's what got me hiring a coach and trying to figure out this whole approaching thing and flirting thing. What about you? When you think about to when you were struggling a lot more with your dating life before you and I worked together. Can you talk about a time you were in your head or the pattern where you noticed you were, quote, unquote, in your head with women? And also what changed? Yeah, I make I think of a few instances. And, you know, still ones that can crop up now. I think, you know, the approach is such a big one that I know a lot of guys struggle with. I mean, you've talked about that, how only a very small percentage of

guys have the cahones to actually do it. But I know even now, even though I've done it, you know, hundreds of times at this point, I don't know, I go through little periods where I still can get in my head about her if I see someone and then, you know, those, the voices crop up about, oh, she's too old, too young, has a, maybe has a boyfriend, maybe not, oh, maybe I'd be bought, you know, I just like think of just different reasons as to why not to do it. And then I don't, whereas, like, I know that it's just better to do it, to just talk. Because it, okay, maybe it doesn't, like, who cares? But then very often those things are not true, right?

And it often would work out in the times where I do have those kind of blocking thoughts. They end up not being true or, oh, it's going to go poorly or whatever, where I know now after a lot of experience it's not. But I noticed there's just these periods where I can get in my head about it. Can you think back to a moment when you had to talk yourself into approaching a woman because you thought, oh, she doesn't look approachable. She doesn't want me to bother her. But you did it with good old-fashioned courage. And actually, it went really well.

You know, there's, I, it's, I want to say it's like almost every time to some degree, you know, still. At best is when you're just, you don't think about it. But like, even, so I was out for my birthday with a bunch of friends with this cool, like, lounge and there's a lot of women there, a lot of people. And so me and my, right? Yeah, just this last weekend. And I was kind of having some choke, you know, I was like kind of, you know, like when you're in your head too much, you end up like leering like a creep. because you're like I understand

like and you know because you're like you're thinking you're kind of like looking and thinking and looking and thinking and like you know and I noticed I was you know doing that to a degree

where I was just just not taking action so I was like walking like okay maybe I could approach her and what okay now what do I say and what's the perfect thing to say and I just you know an hour went by And I didn't approach anybody yet there's like women all around, you know.

And I was, and some of my friends and I like in me doing this, I think I've talked about that before where I sometimes encourage my friends to do it as well, like when we're single guys because they've seen me do it. And they kind of like at this one, like look at me like a leader to some degree. And they're like, oh, like. And I think they think that like I'm maybe better than I am. Like they see me as just this like super confident. like don't think don't give a fuck but really i still have like a little bit of anxiety but you know i they've seen me take that action even though it does still i still get a little bit of butterflies not nearly what it was before but um you know but i noticed that was having you know a little bit

of the the the block a little bit of a mental block for whatever reason that night and when i was talking my friends about it and i i think i asked one of them i'm like all right give me a chance challenge. Just tell me what to do with a girl. And he goes, all right, see that girl there with the curly hair, go talk to her. You know, go work your magic or whatever. And I was like, okay. And I just went and I did it. We had a great conversation and nothing bad happened, you know, and we talked a couple times at night. And maybe, you know, it ended up being like, okay, maybe it's not going to go further and, you know, whatever. And, you know, some of that was me. It's like, oh, maybe I didn't vibe as much as I would have wanted.

to whereas before I'd be like oh my god I need her to like me and did it be like at the same time it's like I tried to shift my mindset of like you know I'm the you know it's okay if I'm someone who says no you know what I mean of like yeah you're just not what I'm looking for but hey when I talked we had a great convo we had fun and you know laughed and you know we talked a couple times I met some of her other friends you know and it felt really good and it broke the ice and then I spoke with, you know, multiple other women that night. And so, you know, kind of got me back into, it just got the momentum going once again. So, I mean, yeah, so just a very recent example of how I can still get in my head and there's, you know, ways to push, push through it.

Right. So you still get in your head. You still find reasons not to do it. Yet that's what I love about that story, Evan, is you were resilient and you came up with a way to to get yourself to take action, getting your friend to say, all right, who should I approach? And that can help us smash through the resistance. So we find a way to approach a woman. And most of the time, it either doesn't go as badly as we fear or actually it can go really, really well. I think the biggest problem I hear over and over again from men is, I don't know what to say.

I'm not sure it'll go well. and I don't want to creep her out and bother her. And one of the smartest things you can do is go out with a wingman and give each other missions to do the whole night. Way back when I first started approaching women, I had this wingman buddy named Tyler, and we would give each other missions to do. One night we go out, and I had to approach everyone he pointed to,

and vice versa. He points to a table with a really pretty brunette, her pretty blonde friend, and this big muscular guy. He's like, go, go over there, and approach. It's like, oh, Jesus Christ. Damn it. Rooftop bar called 235th here in New York City. So I had to do what I had to do.

So I go over and I sit down. I'm thinking, oh, my God, the guy's going to punch me. He's a big muscular dude. It's one of their boyfriends. This is going to go terribly. But I sit down and I grab a seat and I say, hey, I just want to say hi to you. You guys seem friendly. And the brunette looked at me with these big eyes and leaned across the table.

And she said, oh, my. God, you just came up to us and just said hi. Do you know what you are? In my mind, I'm like, a creep who's about to get his ass kicked by your boyfriend. And I tried to play a cool. I said, I don't know. What am I? She said, you're normal. Thank you for just coming over here. And then she pointed to another table. See that guy over there? And she pointed to another ginger in a black shirt like my doppelgagger. She said, see that guy over there? He's been staring at us all night and it's creeping us out. And I got the cute brunette's number. By the way, the big mussely guy wasn't a boyfriend, just a friend. He was pretty chill. And I got the cute

brunette's number that night and I thought, damn, you know, is it hard to approach women? Yeah. Is it possibly creepy? Maybe, maybe not. But you know what's creepy? It's staring and leering and doing nothing like my ginger doppelganger. The anti-connell. The anti-conno. I hope he figured it out. Well, the old, maybe more so the old Connell, right, who probably would give the same shit I do, you know. Yeah. So what you could do for those watching or listening is, all right, you feel that anxiety, feel those nerves. Give your wingman 100 bucks and say, here's 100 bucks. I will approach every woman you tell me to tonight.

And if I don't do one thing, you can keep the 100. That'll give you leverage. Mostly accountability. It's really good accountability. Yeah, exactly. When you and I first started working together, one of the things was you came to me in part because you wanted to approach. It wasn't just about the fear. It was about, oh, what do I say?

How do I break the eyes with women? Can you share some of your insights or success stories, moments where you didn't know what to say but you figured it out or you came up with what to say? When you want to approach a woman, how do you figure out what to say? I you know we talked about this a bit last time and I know how you teach about you know like something relevant you know it could be about her her style to something that's something that stands out to you something that stands out about the situation or kind of just like a candid to say whatever's on my mind you know I usually lean toward the situation for me it's like a little more comfortable and you know I'm one of my strengths is coming up with fun, funny things to break the ice. And it was, and I remember too, one time when we were working together, you challenged me. You said, don't lean on that. You said, go just try one of these other, just candid, just, hey, I want to talk, you know, or something like that. And it made me really nervous because for me it was like a, you know, I think it's successful, you know, when I do

these things, they work for me. But I think it was also a good challenge that you gave to me to just do something that doesn't have to be the most creative thing in the world. And because I think at the time I was getting a little blocked because I was maybe hovering a little too much as I was working through some, you know, my writing team in my head was working through some workshopping material. And I remember I was, I was at lunch with some friends. And there were these two girls and one was like really super cute. And it just wasn't the right.

It just didn't feel like the right moment. You know, I'm with my friend. You know, it was like the middle of the day. And I was like, what do I do? I just, I just kind of let it go. But then I went back to Starbucks where I was working and there. And, you know, 20 minutes later, her and her friend walked past the Starbucks. And I was like, oh, second chance.

I'm going to do what Connell said. I think I had to height myself up a little bit. and they got kind of far away. And so I kind of like left my side. It's luckily really safe where I'm at. No one does anything. And there was like someone there I knew. So I just like left my stuff there.

And I like, I think I ran to just like catch up. And then like had to catch my breath. And then just kind of like walk to the side of them as they were walking. What did I say? I think I said, Hey, I saw you guys before.

And I, and I don't know if I said, I thought you were cute or I just, you guys seem cool. I wanted to say hi. It's just something like that, just this pre-programmed, like, nothing fancy. And we just had a good conversation. The three of us, I probably walked another, like, quarter mile or more.

You know, now I'm like super far away from my workstation there. And she did end up. You look all your stuff back there. My supply line was stretched. And I like walked all the way to the end of the. other side of the beach, like kind of pretending like I was going that way anyway, you know. And it was really funny because another funny part is not super relevant to this situation. But the girl, I think both of them were Peruvian and my brother's wife is Peruvian.

And we're kind of in a small town. So she ended up, of course, knowing my brother's wife. And I was like, oh, shit, I hope she doesn't tell. that this guy just came up to us and said, hey, I think I thought you're cute or whatever. And I came and flirted or what. I was like, oh, God, I'm going to get this reputation or whatever. I mean, I didn't care that much. But it was just kind of funny that they knew each other.

I'm like, oh, I hope you don't tell her. But, but yes, she did. The one I did think was cute did end up having a boyfriend. They were like looking at getting the partner visa, you know, something like that. So. Right. But still, I think of it, but again, even if it doesn't end, up in marriage, you know, a date, sex.

What it's still, it's still a win, you know. Absolutely. And I think that having that mindset's really been helpful as well that, you know, that process goal. Yeah. But also, you talk about this a lot and this stays in my head is also like how you push to play to win because otherwise I can maybe fall into this like safety mode where I'm just going to go talk to them

and oh, I'll call it a win but I didn't push past to get the number like really try to get the date or break the ice if it's not like oh we didn't talk for 10 minutes and we're vibing it's like okay we talked for a few minutes I still think they're cute like let's let's give the

compliment let's do the romantic like say a romantic line or you know I think that was a huge learning moment where I don't have to like play it so cool that does he like me or does he think I'm attracted, you know, to actually say, you know, you're cute or that like I think is super powerful as well. But also, yeah, so I'm just saying playing, making sure I play to win.

So don't take it too far in one direction of playing it safe just to break the ice and feel good about myself, but also make sure I'm playing to win as well. take it the next level. What stops a lot of men from approaching women is thinking there's some perfect thing to say or that it has to be the right thing. It's got to be witty, charismatic, amazing. And this is actually what adds to approaching anxiety, thinking the bar is this high for how good the thing has to be to say when actually it's much, much lower the bar. One of my breakthrough moments realizing this back when I was learning this, way back when Obama was president.

Because I'm a guy who loves, oh, let me say something witty, cool, charismatic. And that was just getting me in my head and I usually wasn't doing anything. So I'm at Barnes & Noble one day, one Saturday afternoon. And I see this very, very cute, thin, blonde woman standing next to all these greeting cards, looking at cards. And I just said to myself, okay, what am I thinking and feeling? what's the authentic real truth. She's really cute and I want to meet her. So I walked over and I said, hi, excuse me, you're really cute. Three words. You're really cute. And she looked at me and smiled and said, you're very handsome. We were like a couple of eight-year-olds. You're cute. You're handsome.

I like you. Do you like me? It was so simple and sweet. We chat for about 10 minutes. Her name is Lane, by the way, and got her number. And I remember she texted me later that day. She texted me and I quote, hey, thanks for picking me up. She actually used the word pick up as in picking me up. It's not a bad thing to try to approach, quote, pick up a woman if she likes you and likes your vibe. And it was just so simple. I said, you're cute.

She said, oh, you're handsome. We had a nice vibe. And then two nights later, we were on a first date. And it went great. And I just never forgot that. So if you have a fancy, cool, funny line that comes up organically, great, go with it. But if you don't, just walk up and say, hey, you're cute. Want to meet you.

It can be that simple. Yeah. I agree that there's power to that versus coming up with the line. And I think that's probably a big point of resistance for me in the moment as trying to lean on the comfort of the perfect line. Sometimes it comes pretty quick and I have some built-in ones, you know, because a lot of times during the day and you'll see a girl like working by the beach or at a picnic table or at a the coffee shop and they're kind of have their beach clothes, but they're also working. And I could be like, oh, is this your new office or just something simple like that?

Yeah, simple. And sometimes I'll, you know, it'll be like, you know, when day and they're at the beach and I'm like, I'm like, who's allowing you to have a beach day on a Wednesday? Like, how do you do that? You know, I don't know. Just something silly like that. And just gets that. I mean, it's just really, I mean, what's probably more important and powerful is the conversation itself. It's not the first line.

It just opens a door. If you have a good line, you know, okay, it gets things started off in a good direction. But, you know, if you're being your normal, clever, nice, cool, whatever self. that's what's most important. Not the opener. You know, you're going to forget about that. It's really good. Maybe they won't.

Sometimes it makes for a good story later, you know. Like, oh, we came up and said this. Yeah. Women rarely remember the thing you say when you approach. They just remember that you did it. I was at Whole Foods once on, it was the first week after Christmas. And I saw this very pretty, attractive, stylish woman in the frozen. in food section and she had this winter hat, a big kind of like frilly hat pulled over. She looked

like the cover of the J.Crew Winter Catalog, which is what came to me. And I walk over and I said, hey, I just saw you, you look like the cover of the J. Crew Winter Catalog. I thought that was pretty good. We had a good conversation. We chatted. I got her number. We had a first date a few days later. On our first date, I said, so I'm curious. You know, what did you think of me when we met. I was fishing for a compliment. My ego wanted to have to be stroked. I was hoping she would say, oh, you were so witty, you were so funny. She couldn't remember what I'd said. She said, oh, you know what I liked is you look me in the eye. You stood up straight and you looked me in the eye. Just eye contact, normal conversation, showing that clear interest. That's what can make a woman

really attracted to you and think about you is, wow, finally a guy just came up and let me know he wanted to meet me and we chatted and that's more than enough. So witty, amazing, funny lines are great, but most of the time women won't remember it. They'll remember the eye contact, the good posture and just an overall vibe that says, hey, I belong here talking to you. Why wouldn't I come talk to you? Well, it's, you know, how you made them feel in the moment, right? And so someone's like having the line, they may not remember it, but they'll remember just how it made them feel at the beginning of like, oh, wow, or, you know, just playing into the general fun of it. And so, yeah, it doesn't matter just at the end of the day. How did you make them feel in that interaction? Do they

want to continue hanging with you seeing you again? So that is an important thing to remember, you know, for me that maybe I'll challenge myself a little bit to, you know, do that, the third column, which is, you know, what I think, what I feel is what I say. Is that right? Did I, yeah, what I'm thinking, get your line right? That's not my line. My very first coach said it to me in 2009 when I first approached a one for the first time. Opening chapter, my book is all about that night. He said, yeah, what you're thinking and feelings, what you're saying and doing. and he was trying to say, it doesn't have to be perfect. You can speak your real, true thoughts.

He didn't say authentic, but basically you are enough. Women like you. He said women like you for you. I thought, no, women like me for my lines and game and cool, funky shirt. No. Yeah. So I still hold on to that and it really helps. Yeah.

That matches my experience as well. I'm going to ask you to, I give you permission to brag a little. bit if you want to about something. Okay. You've had a lot of great dating wins in our time together or since we started working together. You've approached. You've had a lot of dates. You've had a lot of cool experiences.

Can you think, what's a moment you've shared with a woman where you said or did something and it made her noticeably more attracted to you? Or just a moment during a date where you could feel the eyes on your. you that she was really into you. And it's probably happened many times, but do any specific moments jump out to you? That look of attraction, that look of damn, this woman is into me. Yeah, I mean, I think like when an approach is successful, you know, and I think just, you know, really the things that you described, it's like if they're talking to you, that's a good sign.

You know, if they're continuing, if your conversation goes, oh, my God, we're still talking at five minutes. Oh, we've been talking for 10 minutes. You know, we're laughing, we're vibing, you know. Oh, they, they asked for my number, you know, they asked for my Instagram. That shit just happened, really? You know, so there's definitely been some of those moments. I had a, you know, big, I call like a big win. And I think it was definitely a memorable moment recently with an approach where I was going on a camping trip and I was meeting friends.

I think I was like up the coast a couple hours and I had to unfortunately come a day late. So everyone was there. They were at the beach, a big group of people, most of whom I knew. So I get there late. I'm like in the afternoon. I'm walking up to the beach and the beaches. You got to like walk down some stairs to get there. They're all down there.

And then up there you have like the changing rooms, restaurant, whatever. And so I was getting ready to go down, getting my stuff. And I was just kind of checking out the lay of the land up there and what they had. And there was this girl bikini with a little summer dress. And I saw her like walk by. And she just went out at one of the picnic benches and started reading.

And I was like, You know, so like now my mind naturally goes to like, after all this time, I'm just like, do I approach, you know, like, this is this one I want, is she cute? Do I, am I into her, you know, whatever? So then I go into that mode of, all right, I'm like, let's, let's, I'm not going to do this. And so I was like, okay, yeah, she is really cute. And I, and I, and we, we locked eyes for a second. She looked up at me. I looked at her. And then I kind of chickened out. And I'm like, all right, well, maybe I'll get a second chance. I'm just going to go down and talk to my friends. And so I did. I went down. I hung out with them for like 30 minutes, caught up with everybody. And then I went back up because I was going to go for like a jog or something like that.

And so as I'm getting my shoes on and ready, she's still there. 30 minutes later, she's sitting same bench. We look at each other again. I'm just, fuck it. Here we go. Then a couple of lie, I just walked up to her. And I was just like, well, you haven't moved much. It sounds like to do it like that.

She was like, I didn't think she understood what I was talking about. But we just like started a conversation that went, you know, five minutes, 10 minutes, more. So we had a really good convo. And it was kind of funny because, yeah, I didn't know who she was. And I was like, yeah, like, we're, you know, because we're two hours out of Sydney. And I was like, oh, well, are you from here? Do you live here or something? She's like, no, I live in Sydney.

I'm like, oh, yeah, that's where I'm staying as well. And she's like, what part? She tells me, asks me what part? I'm like, I'm in Manly Beach. And she's like, oh, all my friends, all the people I'm here with are from Manly Beach. And I'm like, we're kind of like remote. There's not like that many people there. And I put it to it.

I'm like, wait, are you with this group here? Like this volleyball group? She's like, yeah. I'm like, really? I'm like, who are you? because like I usually know everybody, you know, and she's like, oh, I was just invited by a friend who's down there. And I decided to tag along. So she was actually with the group that I was with.

So I was like, oh, okay. So now we're on a camping trip together. And we like, by the way, how was you dressed again? Bikini. How did she? She was wearing a bikini. And a summer dress. Like kind of, you know, like you're, you know, just like one of those like thin, you know, things you put around.

And yeah, so looking fine as hell, Brazilian. That gives you any ideas. So, yeah, so she's just like, she's rocking it hard. And yeah, she's, you know, super. And it turned out, yeah, I mean, she's like professional and smart and reads. And I'm just like, okay, like, so we talk for like 10 minutes, 15, and I go, you know, go do my thing. We link back up down at the beach later.

Now we're getting to, you know, time we're all going to, you know, she's like, oh, I'm heading back to, you know, the campsite or whatever. I'm going to go shower and maybe we'll catch up after. I'm like, okay, yeah, I'll go do that. And so we exchanged numbers. I think she maybe even she asked for my number. I was like, okay, we exchanged numbers. And then maybe a little bit later, I texted her and I was like, hey, what do you think about finding like a cool place to watch the sunset? And she's like, oh.

she's like, yeah, that sounds good. I'm like, all right, things are going well. So I go back, we hang out at the campsite for a bit. And again, there's like 20 plus people. And then I was like, and I was kind of like a, not in my head, but I was kind of like,

this would be a little awkward, you know, whatever, it's just like me and her. Like we just met. Now we're going to like run away from the group and like get in the camper van. I rented and go, you know, to this lighthouse. house or whatever. So I felt like kind of compelled to like ask people like, hey, we're going to, you know, maybe go to the, do you want to get a group together? And they're like, well, we're waiting. They're going to bring a cake for this person's birthday and this. And I'm like, oh, and I'm just, then we just snuck out. I'm like, all right, perfect. We just dipped out and went to this lighthouse. I mean, it's just the most like romantic. And so literally it's two hours later. We're holding hands down the beach and like in this just like ultimate romantic situation. And. And.

yeah and you know i'm six weeks later we're still talking and hanging out you know so you approach this beautiful brazilian woman she's in a bikini she's stunning and the fancy amazing line you said again was for your opener was you haven't moved much see most most thought out ones that was maybe more and off the cup it's like fuck it you know most men think first And most men think flirting, approaching is about clever lines. It's about saying one simple thing, committing to it and starting a conversation that can lead to six weeks later. You're still getting together with her. You too can date a gorgeous bikini Brazilian woman.

Yeah, you can. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you this. This is an interesting, like, little fun cultural fact. Because, again, where I'm at now, it's just people from all over there. So I'm actually been learning a lot living here about all sorts of different cultures and talking to women here and their experience. And so apparently Brazilian guys, they don't give a fuck. Like, they will go, like, approaching is not an issue for them, maybe to a fault.

Right. So that's more in their culture. They'll go, hey, baby, like, whatever. Like, almost to a point where it could be off-putting. And so for, like, a Brazil, they're just, like, so used to it. But then they come here to, like, a Western country. And apparently the Australian guys here will not do that. They will never approach.

They don't go buy you a drink. They don't show interest. And so then it's like the other, like the opposite, where they kind of want that from a different type of guy. So then when you do it as like a Westerner, but you know, a gringo, what I say?

Like that really impresses them. You know, and even not just the Brazilian group, but like the like a lot of the women are experiencing so so many of them say what you say which is like they want to be approached and they're craving it so when i did that with her like i think she like immediately was kind of was hooked you know like i like she was you know kind of like what you talked about at the beginning in your open or how to get them to that point where they can't stop thinking about you or whatever the line you use but i just it was wasn't this feeling like, okay, I need to impress them, you know, like, okay, I got their interest, but I need to try this, this. It was just, it was just natural. And it was a mutual vibe.

And I could just tell midway through, I'm like, this girl was like, you know, we're like three minutes in. And she's already, and I made some joke because she's like, she's a citizen here in Australia now. And I was talking about like, you know, my visa. If I'm going to move here, I'm not a citizen resident. I was like, oh, maybe we could just get married. And she was like, oh, ha, ha. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I'm just kidding. And she's like, what? She was like upset.

I was like joking. Like she like almost like like thought that was like romantic or funny that I said that and was almost a friend. I was like, oh, I'm just kidding. She's like, you're kidding. You don't want to marry me? Yeah. So I don't know. It was just a.

It was just kind of one of those things where everything lined up in this like incredible way and every it's just like the formula worked um to a tea so how have you ever felt that you created a real spark with a woman just through your eyes eye contact and your overall vibe you know you have sort of if i may say you have this kind of smoldering chill like you know hot searing coals kind of vibe i would think that women would feel do you ever find yourself making some sparks happen not with what you say but your voice your eye contact yeah and you know that's something i actually struggle with was eye contact and i didn't it was something it was a blind spot i didn't realize i was doing i would like look away you know kind of like i'm the

beta because i look away first you know it's like right but um but yeah there's definitely power to that something like i need to remember to hold eye contact and not kind of act of afraid or you know there's sometimes it's you know it's almost like I think there's like levels of intimacy about it sometimes that intimacy could be uncomfortable of eye contact um that sustained it's just very powerful so sometimes it you know it's like looking at the sun so I kind of look away and it's just like too much it's too direct you know there's some cultural elements sometimes with it but um yeah when I was at the bar the other end this girl I actually had known before and she came and like hit on me like two years ago and we've like kind of been until we never like

did anything with it but there i ran into her again and it had been a while and i just like i went into that mode where i was just like staring her in the eyes and being extremely confident and i could just tell how powerful it was you know or like taking her by the arm of like yeah no you're with me and like i want to kiss you right now and right you know like like stuff like that and just not hesitating and I think that applies to a lot of things but it's like that let's see you use some line

where it's like safe as dangerous or something and dangerous as safe or risk or something like that where it's just like full commitment if like I'm scared to jump from one ledge to the other and I pussyfoot it well I'm going to fall like I need to go full commitment

right and I think that's fine what feels risky in dating and flirting is safe. And what feels safe is a risky. You know, deep eye contact might feel unsafe to you. It might feel risky, but it's the safest smart thing to do because you're committing to that laser eye contact. Where if you're looking away, you don't want to be, you know, you don't want to eye fuck her, well, she might want you to eye fuck her. That might be her channel that she that unlocks a feeling of arousal and passion. No, I'm not saying right out of the

gate when you approach her, but you know, 30, 20 minutes in or maybe on a first date. Yeah, yeah, that's absolutely extremely powerful. Make them look away first. You can, if you get stuck in the friend zone, you can get out of the friend zone with your eyes and the way you look at a woman. I remember I was on a first date in Venice, California. I don't know. I'd, approached a woman. Her name is Vanessa and I got her number a night earlier. We go on a on a Tuesday night date. And we're sitting on a rooftop bar right on the ocean. And I don't remember anything witty or funny or amazing. I said that night, but I remember looking at her with this wolfish eye contact. And it was genuine. I was super aroused and turned on by her. And it was toward the end of a pretty darn good date. And toward the end of the date, she, she, she, she, She could feel me giving her the Kubrick stare, maybe. And she said, you're looking at me like I'm dessert. Hell, yeah.

But she meant it in a good way. Fast forward, 20, 30 minutes later, we leave the venue and walk back to my hotel, which was walkable. And she's in the hallway of my hotel. She starts unbuttoning her top in the hallway. That had never happened to me. I don't think it's happened to me since, frankly. but it never happened to me before. She was taking her clothes off to say, I am yours, let's go.

I'm not even going to wait until I get in your hotel. That's the power of that wolfish eye contact. What's happening is that you are transferring onto her your raw animal desire, and she's feeling it. And if she feels something similar for you, boom, that's just nature, baby. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, that is universally the way to go to have that. like you're the fucking man, you know, or like, not like that, but like, but yeah, you just have

that level of confidence and you have that like intensity toward them. And I think some guys may think that you're like overcommitting or you're like seeming kind of needy. We're like, I want you so bad. But it's, it is. It's just a different vibe. It's just like, it's not like, I like you and like, I hope you like me. It's like, no, I'm going to take you back to my fucking apartment and shit's going to go down. Hell yeah. You know, like having that. You know, now again, so like actually this example that was pretty good that I was saying

before because I just like, I don't know, I just went into it with her, you know, and I just kind of knew her, whatever. And I was like, you know, you and I have unfinished business because we cross paths, but nothing ever escalated. I'm like, you and I have unfinished business. And she's like, really? I'm like, yeah, you know what I'm talking about. And she, you know, you can just tell she was like, you know.

And then. Yes, sir. You know, so I grabbed her by the arm. And I looked at her on. I pulled her toward me. And I could tell she was a little hesitant, though. She was like intrigued. But she was like, I don't know.

I don't know about here. And it was something I was like, yeah, I want to. I was like, she knew I was like, yeah, I want to kiss you right now. And she's like, hmm. I don't know, not here. And I was, you know, so I, you know, backed off a little, but I still kind of kept that attitude. And, you know, it turned out she was like, I'm in a relationship or like it, you know, she was, you know, conflicted about it. But I knew, though, and then at the same time that she wanted me.

And I think I said to her, too, I was just like, again, I wasn't like super invested in the outcome. I'm like, looked her and I'm like, look, turned out, like, how about I kiss you on the cheek? And she goes, that's okay. So I do it in kind of like a sexy way and then I just stare at her in the eye and you could tell and I was like you liked that didn't you? And she was like, yeah. Yeah. So it works. If you can maintain that, you know, look, I mean, if you look at women's like romance novels and books, like that's how the guy is or like 50 shades of grades.

Like I know what I want. I want you. I'm going to take it versus like I want. I want you. Do you want me to? It's like, I know you do. And worst case scenario, you're wrong or they're not. Then you just kind of get out of that mode and say, okay. That's fine.

You go back and being just like a nice dude and it's like, okay, they're not interested or they're not ready or whatever. And then I just go back to, you know, I get out of like ethical predator mode. Let's call it. Ethical predator. I love it. hashtag ethical predator. Yeah, that's a thing.

Yeah, you want to be an ethical predator. Well, there's nothing wrong with a man who has romantic sexual desire. And women have it too. I was just out with a client. I'll call him Aaron. We were approaching today in New York City. And I said, you should make no apology for your desire as a 32-year-old man, single, young, virile, to walk up to a woman and say, hey, I just saw.

you and I wanted to meet you. Look at her with a look of intent, not intensity, but intent. I am here to flirt with you. I'm a man, you're a woman. Why wouldn't I do that? There's nothing wrong with that. It's ethical predation. Yeah, yeah.

And there's levels on the problem. What's wrong with that? Well, and there's levels to it too, right? So you do it and that's like, I'm this confident guy who's going to come approach you and flirt with you. Like, I'm not going to do what I just did to that girl at Starbucks during the day. be like, I'm going to take you back to my place and, you know, shit's going down kind of thing. But, like, as it escalates, you know, it goes from the approach and, you know, it gets

confident G, PG, PG-13, and eventually just feel it out to the point where it gets rated R and then that gets rated X and things get really interesting. But you could keep that, you keep that vibe throughout. And, you know, and there's a time to turn it on and there's a time. to, you know, pull back a little bit from it. Right. You know, if you could tell they're pushing their comfort zone, and that's something you teach as well.

Just because they say no, doesn't mean the answer is, like, actually no in the long term. It's just no then. So you don't have to go back to being this, like, pussyfooted. Like, oh, I'm sorry and apologize. Right. But you could, like, you could confidently respect them. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Like, you can stay in that mode. They'll pull away and be respectful. And I think there's powerful, too, because then they, because you want them to still feel comfortable, right? Right. I feel like there's like an optimal zone of pushing the comfort zone a little bit of like, this feels a little dangerous.

But then if they, you know, but then you could pull it back and then they feel comfortable because they see that you can read the room and you could read them. Yeah. You can walk up to a woman, be very direct. but G-rated and gentlemanly, and women love it. And there is a time and place to then escalate things. So, quick story. I dated a woman named Alexis many years ago.

And I approached her one weekday afternoon as she and her friend were walking out. They were leaving forever 21. And I approached Alexis and her friend. And I said, hey, I just wanted to come over you and say, you're adorable. I had to meet you to Alexis. and I said hello to her friend. Got numbers, went on a first date. Fast forward to the morning after our first date, Alexis came back to my place. The date went well. She spent the night and we're lying in

bed. And she said, you know what I loved about how you approached me? It was so innocent. She used that word. It was innocent. You called me adorable. What's hilarious is she said this to me is we're naked in bed and we had just gotten done having sex on every piece of furniture in my studio apartment. And she's telling me how much she loved the innocent way I approached her. And there's a real lesson there. You can and should approach a woman with G-rated innocence, clarity, at least in the daytime. Hey, what's up? I saw you. You're adorable. You're really cute. I had to meet you. Innocent women love it. Things can get PG and R and X later, but you start with G. And it gives women the sense of respect and kindness, social respect.

But hey, there will be a time and a place to get sexy and sexual. So my tip is approach G-rated, move toward R and X as things progress. Yeah, 100%. And, you know, and you could still have that like, we'll call it the EP mindset, have a copreditor. You know. At thecounter.com. Nobody steal it.

I just went on Go Daddy. It's mine. Yeah, yeah. I'll let you take it. A couple final things here. We can wrap up. I'd love if you have any lessons you learned of like, oh, man, gosh, Connell, I used to make this flirting mistake on a date. I used to do make say or do the wrong thing. What's a big lesson you've learned and you've since, you've since righted the wrong, you've corrected it. But what's a flirting or dating mistake you used to make? And you have long since corrected it.

Yeah, I think we touched on it a bit. I think a big one was expression of interest and intent. Making sure it's romantic. I had this, just like a quick start, I had this happen where a girl, another South American girl in bikini with a little beach shawl, eating some ice cream. went up to her and I said something like, you're making me jealous or something that looks really good or whatever.

We have a great conversation. She's a chef. I love cooking. I sometimes make cooking videos. She does too. So I'm like, oh my God, we're viving.

I get her number and we're like, have a plan to make a cooking video. Right. And then I started being a little more flirtatious, though, in the text and maybe I didn't do it enough. And then she acted surprised when it became clear that I wanted it to be a date. And she even said like,

oh, I thought we were just doing this as friends. Like, oh, I have a boyfriend or something. And I was just like crushed. I don't know if I guess the right word, but I was definitely like thrown off. I mean, I think she, I mean, there's maybe some fault on her end. I mean, it's like, come on. Like, we're, it's freaking obvious. But I guess it wasn't enough, you know, and I should.

And I really process why I should have done that. So I think that that's a big one is being very clear. And I had that happen again where maybe I wasn't where I went out with the girl. And maybe she wasn't as clear until like I felt more comfortable in the texting of it. You know, but I need to do it in the moment and remember and remember that because it does go well. So I think not being afraid to show intent at that stage and throughout is probably the one of the biggest ones that I keep in mind outside of the many other lessons. maybe the two most important words in flirting with women are, I want. I want to take you on a date.

I want to meet you. I want to see you again. I've had a great time with you. I want to have a drink with you at my place. I want you to spend the night. I want. There's something really powerful about a man telling a woman what he wants and telling her why he wants her as long as it is obviously consensual and ethical, but man, that's really

powerful to women. Most men, yeah, I would say most men are afraid to say, here's what I want. I want you. And a lot of women are like, why won't a guy come up and just put it out there? And, yeah, those are the two sexiest words. Just say, here's what I want. I want you. Totally agree.

Yeah, that absolutely has kind of going back to the theme of how to get them hooked or to not stop thinking about you. It is that, you know, that all plays into that vibe, you know, the EP, this is what I want. I want you. Yeah, one more question. So I'm sober. You know, I haven't drank in many years. And so sometimes I'm self-conscious about that because it is so popular, common in dating. What are your thoughts on that?

Own it. Sober is sexy. You just want to mention it before you meet in case she feels weird being the only one drinking. But you may as well own it because it's really hard to hide sobriety when you're sipping a Shirley Temple through a swirly straw. It's really tough to do. So sometimes I notice I fall into interview mode on first dates. Do you think that's something I should stop doing? I don't know.

What do you think? How was your weekend? What do you do, by the way? Do you have siblings? When did you last cry, Evan, who killed JFK? Are birds robots? Why are plants so chill? Where were you on the night of January 14th, 2014? And does Wyoming even actually exist? I have more questions for you, or do you want to just answer those? Anyway, Evan, thank you so much for again being my unofficial co-host here on how to get a girlfriend. And you and I will talk later. We're going to create the ethical, what was it, ethical predator.com. I think we'd regret.

Let's do like a, we'll do a guidebook. Let's co-write a guidebook called the ethical predator. The ethical predator. What would be the tagline of that? Oh, man, the ethical predator. How to make women, how to be irresistible to women. Right. How to be irresistible to women with consent, whether they like it or not.

Yeah. And there's got to be some kind of wolf. There's got to be some kind of wolf in the cover. Yeah. Like wolf man. Just like drool. Like this looks like a rabble. and wolf.

But it's like nice too. But it's also like a gentleman and it's like passing like holding roses or something. Exactly. It's like a werewolf. How about a werewolf in a tuxedo? Yeah. Yeah. My favorite.

My favorite. Shivalrous. I'm trying to get my girlfriend to watch one of my favorite movies ever, American Werewolf in London, which is about a werewolf with a heart of gold. So anyway. Anyway, Thanks for being here, Evan.

And by the way, thank you for listening slash watching. And if you would like to find out how my dating coaching works and how you too can be an ethical predator, go to datingtransformation.com forward slash ethical predator. No, just kidding. Just kidding about the forward slash. Go to datingtransformation.com. And you can book a call to talk with me or somebody on my team and find out how this approaching, dating, flirting things.

flirting thing works with Connell Bear. Anyway, datingtransformation dot com. Thanks again for being here, Evan.