How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Flirt with Women: the Wrong Way (DON’T do this) and the Right Way!

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

Chances are, you struggle with how to talk to women. You’re just not sure the right way to flirt or what to say, and you get stuck in your head. Or perhaps you come across as boring or not charismatic. And women just don’t seem to feel romantic sparks with you. It’s frustrating!You’re in luck. In this episode of the Dating Transformation podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett shares the two BIGGEST mistakes that men make when trying to flirt with women. (Make sure you’re not doing them!) He also shares the RIGHT way to flirt with women, and how to do it with natural confidence and authenticity, to create real connections.FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"When you flirt with true authenticity, you're giving women the gift that they most want: the real, best you!".-Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction01:48 - The Right and Wrong Ways to Communicate with Women03:02 - Waiter Persona: Navigating Over-the-Top Communication06:43 - The Power of Being Present and Genuine09:24 - Avoiding Supplicating Pitfalls: Mastering Dating Channels13:20 - Authentic Attraction: Beyond Supplication and Cockiness17:48 - Genuine Connection over Performative Acts19:14 - The Power of Vulnerability: Connecting Authentically21:12 - Real Talk: Forging Genuine Bonds in Dating23:10 - Building Trust: Authenticity and Shit Detectors24:38 - Breaking Barriers: Honesty and Connection in Dating26:19 - Story Swapping: Crafting Memorable Conversations29:47 - OutroProduced by Heartcast Mediahttps://www.heartcastmedia.com

Yeah, don't take the red pill. Don't swallow that pill. I'd rather swallow arsenic than the red pill. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right, welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Conal Barrett. I'm a dating coach for men. I help guys like you gain confidence, learn to flirt and attract an incredible girlfriend, all by being radically authentic. Putting that real authentic self out there to make genuine connections with women, as opposed to pick up artist moves. And if you're a guy who struggles with what to say and how to say it to women, then you're in

the right place today. Because I want to talk to you about the three main ways men talk to women. The wrong way, the really wrong way, and then the right way. And I know you're going to want the right way. So toward the end of the pod, I'm going to talk about the right way to do it. But bottom line is probably the biggest question or the question I hear most often is, hey, how do you talk to girls? What do you say? How do you flirt? Str struggling with what to say, how to talk to women. It really drives a lot of guys crazy on dates. It makes it hard to approach when you don't know what to say. It gets you stuck in your head on dates. And basically, it makes it really tough to create those romantic sparks we want. So today, we're going to talk about helping you fix that. So before we do that, let me tell you about the three different, let's call them,

communication channels that men most often fall into. Before I get to those three, let me share a story with you to illustrate it. So before I became a dating coach, in my previous life, I worked as a restaurant critic. I was able to go out. I worked for a magazine. I was a writer and editor at the time. I worked for a New York City magazine and I got a really cool job. I got to go out and do restaurant reviews. And I remember a certain week years ago when I was out reviewing restaurants here in New York City, I went to three different restaurants over the course of a week. And I had three very different experiences with the server who was serving my table. So the first restaurant I went to was a fancy fine dining establishment.

And I remember the waiter we had, the main waiter that my friend and I had, he was very supplicating to our table. He apologized for interrupting when he came over to the table. He treated my dinner companion and I like we were kings. We were gods. And don't get me wrong, that can feel kind of good to an extent at a fancy restaurant because part of the reason you go to a restaurant is to be pampered a little bit, to get spoiled a little bit. That said, there was something about it that just left me feeling a

little bit like, ew. It was fake for one, but also it just felt like our waiter was putting us on a pedestal. Is there anything else I can get for your table? If you need me, I'm just a moment away. It just felt very artificial and basically supplicating, butt kissing for lack of a better term. And so that was the first restaurant, the fine dining place. Then a few nights later, I went to a steakhouse, a steakhouse here in New York City, a famous one called Peter Luger. And at Peter Luger, I had a very opposite, different kind of server, another waiter, a man came over. And at Peter Luger, the waiter we had that night, he was talking at our table the whole time. He was basically, it was almost like he was doing a monologue,

reciting some like shtick, almost like lines he had rehearsed about the history of peter luger why it was the greatest restaurant i also remember him like sort of trying hard to like tease us and uh and like make fun of us if we ordered something that wasn't the right thing to order on the menu uh and that was also off-putting. So it was like he was doing material. He was talking at us, putting on this persona of like, oh, hey, I'm the cool, cocky waiter who doesn't give that many shits and I'll fuck with you. And that was also a little bit off-putting. It didn't ruin the meal. It's an amazing meal. But I just remember thinking, that's just strange behavior. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching.

You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice

to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. Thank you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. And then for the third restaurant, my date and I went to another fine dining restaurant, but the first one was more like a white tablecloth,

fancy crystal glasses kind of place. This third restaurant, it's a restaurant called Gramercy Tavern. They are not a sponsor. I'm just saying that's where it was. And the cool thing about Gramercy Tavern, it's very casual. It's fine dining, but it's very casual. And what I remember about our server that night, who's a woman, I remember how genuine and chill she was. She was great at serving our table, but she did not talk to us like we were above her. She did not have any canned planned material, as far as I could tell. She had no agenda. She had no script she was reading. She was just really present and genuine.

I remember a couple details about her, even though this was years and years ago, but I remember some details about her. She had a really cool, unusual clock tattoo on her right arm. I asked her, what was it about the clock tattoo? Why did you get that? And she told the story about going to London when she was a little girl with her parents and the clock tattoo reminded her of her mom and her grandmother. And every time she came over to my dates, my table, my date and my table, our server

was just, it was just such a genuine, real connection. And she gave us a great experience. She basically gave us what she wanted to get back in a sense was she was being genuine. She was being real. Yes, she served us, but at no point was she being fake. She was just really real. She was just really genuine and real. And I left that restaurant feeling like, you know what? All three meals were great in terms of how the food tasted. But you know, the experience that we loved the most was Gramercy Tavern and that server. I forget her name. It's been so long. We made a real connection. We felt like we were really connecting to that waitress she even she would come over and

she wouldn't hover but she she would just chat with us and shoot the shit while also being an incredible server and so those are kind of the those are the three categories of servers I had. The first one was the supplicant. The second server was, I don't know, cocky, cocky script reading performance. And the third was so genuine and real and natural. So you might know where I'm going with this. Those are the three most common channels that a single guy like you can get onto. Typically, most men, when you go on a first date or approach a woman, or you're talking to a really cute girl at a party, it's really easy to fall into the first two channels. To be that supplicating guy who puts the woman on a pedestal. And if you do that, you come across very much like you're beneath her. You're serving her.

It's a bit of a persona. You're not offering anything. You're just basically trying to make her happy and not sharing any glimpse of who you are. So let's call that the supplicant, right? You ever been on a date or you ever been talking to a woman at a party or at a social event and you find her attractive and you're just not sure how to behave, how to talk, what to say. So you just basically find yourself asking her questions, interview mode, and you are thinking, oh gosh, I hope she likes me. You lean in a little too much or you lean in a lot. You're very eager to please. That's what it is, eager to please. Just like a supplicating waiter, you're like a supplicating dater. Ooh, I think I just came up with the title of my next book, The Supplicating Dater. So I think a majority of men fall into this category in terms of how they talk to women.

So if you've ever been on a date and you just found yourself, or talking to a cute girl, and you just find yourself asking questions, putting the onus on her to fill the conversation, or wanting or agreeing with everything she says, finding everything she says fascinating, even when it might not be always fascinating. That's that supplicating dater, much like the supplicating waiter who kind of gave me the creeps at that fine dining establishment. I'm thinking back actually to one of my very first clients, a guy named Jeffrey. Years and years ago, one of my very first clients, I took him out to approach girls at a bookstore here in New York City. One of the time I called it the concierge, but I think if it's more now, it's more like that supplicating server.

He was walking up to women saying, well, hello, lady, my lady. And how are you this evening? Are you finding any good books you'd like to read? I mean, he literally sounded like that. I'm not exaggerating. And that's not how Jeffrey talks. So he was putting on this persona, putting on this, please like me, give me your validation, you're above me. And that is a terrible vibe to put out there because it sends all the wrong signals to women.

It sends signals that you are eager, You want her to like you a lot, which suggests you don't have many other options. And even if you don't have other options, which I totally feel that pain, you don't want to come across that way. You want to come across as if you have an abundance of options. So that first category, the supplicant, is what you want to be aware of. Are you doing that? Are you overeager? Are you asking her all the questions? Are you thinking, please like me, please like me, please like me, please like me?

Basically, are you elevating her above her? Are you putting her on a pedestal? That does not work. Now, the second category is also bad. I think it's worse, actually. So the first one is bad. The second one is really bad, which is the restaurant example is the cocky performance waiter who's like talking at you, trying to pretend like you don't care that much. Well, you know where this comes from. This comes from YouTube dating experts who I will not name, but they fucking suck.

This comes from the red pill losers, the so-called dating experts, almost exclusively men, who say, you've got to be an alpha male. You've got to be high value. You've got to have the cool car. You've got to talk down to women. You've got to be a toxic. You've got to show her who's boss. That toxic alpha male, complete fucking bullshit. That absolutely sucks. Now, I know that that's not who you are at your core if you're listening to my podcast, but maybe you've tried that persona on. Or if you haven't tried it on, you've probably seen YouTube channels or other dating experts, maybe podcasts, where they say, yeah, be a bad boy, be an alpha male, take the red pill. If you've ever gotten stuck in the quicksand, that is Reddit's red pill page. You know what this is about. And guess what? That's even worse than the first one because it's very agenda-driven. You're putting on this really fake false mask, trying to be some kind of asshole, some kind of douchebag, talking at women. And I know this from personal experience because when I was out there working

on my dating life, I hired at least 15 different coaches. I worked with coaches who were great, coaches who sucked, coaches who were somewhere in the middle. And I even had a coach who basically said, oh yeah, Connell, do this for a month. Go out and be an asshole. Go out and be an alpha male. Basically do the toxic male thing. And I tried it for about 10 or 11 days and it felt awful. It wasn't me. I felt like I was wearing an ill-fitting suit, a really garish, ugly suit with chains and a fake hairy chest and, I don't know, a peacocking hat. It just felt so fake and weird. So that second zone also doesn't work. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to.

There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't

so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't Today to transform your confidence and find your

dream girl. So you probably haven't used this very much, but if you see YouTube channels where they talk about be a man, be alpha male, women want the tribal leader, show her who's boss, red pill, please run screaming from that page. That's not going to help you. That's not what works. But that's also a mistake that men fall into. I fell into it myself. I tried it for about 10, 11 days. And then I finally said, you know what? This feels awful. I was saying really polarizing, shocking things to get reactions. It didn't work. It was fake. It actually led to having a woman pour a glass of ice water down my shirt because I was being such a dick. And it was a well-deserved glass of ice water. She absolutely deserved to pour that down my shirt.

So don't fall into that second class. Don't be that fake alpha male guy who's showing women who's boss. That's not what women want. And then we get to what does work, right? That server I had, she was just really real, genuine, listening, present. She was giving to our table what we wanted, but also she was letting us give back to her. She was letting us talk about, we were listening to her, she was listening to us. She was just putting her real personality out on the line. And that's really what this is about. If you want to get good at knowing what to say and knowing how to talk to girls, then the first thing you have to do is drop the supplicant, you're better than me, over eager persona. You have to definitely resist and reject the toxic alpha pickup artist BS.

What you need to do is take the mask off and just be really authentic, genuine, what I call radical authenticity, showing women that true, real, best self. And I was thinking, what does that mean? I mean, I know what it means. I wrote a whole book about it, but in terms of how to talk to girls in an authentic way, what does that mean? I think here's a good way to think about it. I hope you'll agree. I think this is a good way to think about it. Being radically authentic or seeking to make an authentic connection, it's about first giving to that woman what you want to get back from her. It's about first giving to her what you want.

So I hope what you want from her is some clear romantic interest. Great. Who wouldn't? So first give her that from you in a vulnerable way. Empathetic, not vulgar, but vulnerable way. So you first want to show her some of that genuine interest. Before she gives you her real most vulnerable emotional personal side, you first have to give it to her. You've got to give it to her first. As the man, you're going to have to go first probably. So you want to be the first one to say something

flirtatious. You want to be the first one to take a romantic risk and give her a compliment and let her know something about her that you really like. That vulnerability is part of being authentic because you would love that back from her, right? Wouldn't you love a really smart, bright, beautiful woman to say to you, hey, you're really handsome and you're really fun to talk to. I like you. Of course you would. That'll change your life. That'll make your year. Well, then what you got to do is go first. You've got to give her that first. To get, you've got to give. And the most valuable thing you can give is your true, real, authentic, genuine, vulnerable self. That's what that waitress was doing years ago. Oh gosh, I wish I remember her

name. She was just so vulnerable, cracking jokes, talking about her tattoo, telling stories about London, and then asking us about our stories. She was letting my date and I open up and we were talking about the restaurant business. I think she had children, has children. We talked about her kids. It was just such a real connection. And that's really what this is about. Authenticity, putting that real authentic self out there is what leads to connection because a woman needs to trust you before she'll really open up and connect with you romantically. And being real, being authentic, being vulnerable gives her a clear signal that you are a trustworthy man because women have great shit detectors. I think we all have good shit detectors.

And my shit detector was going off with the, with the supplicating waiter. My shit detector was going off with the alpha male, weird, cool, cocky, funny waiter. And then as soon as I was being served by this authentic, genuine, chill, cool, quirky, kind of weird, but awesomely weird waitress, we totally hit it off because I was seeing the real her. I knew I could trust her. And similarly, when you go on dates, you want to show women that they can trust you. So when you're truly authentic, you're not just saying, hey, I'm trustworthy. You're also saying, hey, I'm confident enough to show you my real self. And that's a really powerful and very often attractive thing to women is like, oh, this guy is just not afraid to be his real

self. So a couple of practical tips here for how to do this, how to talk to women in that radically authentic way. Here's a great rule you can follow. Something my very first coach ever said to me, the rule is what I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. Being really honest and real and raw with a woman. So say you walk into the first date and you're nervous. You're kind of in your head a little bit. Maybe there's some sweat on your forehead. Totally fine. A couple minutes into the date to say, oh, hey, by the way, I'm actually, I'm feeling some butterflies right now. I've been looking forward to meeting you all day. You're really cute. And I'm kind of hoping this goes well. So I'm feeling a little bit nervous.

That alignment with what you're feeling inside, the vulnerability and expressing it, that is so rare to women. And it's so disarming. And it will also relax you. So you can say those kinds of vulnerable, honest things. That's one way to talk to women. Another way to talk to women through the lens of being authentic and trying to make a genuine connection is to share your honest, true opinions and feelings. If you agree with her,

if you totally see things the same way, you can totally agree with her. Why not? Absolutely. It's great to see. It's great to have commonalities. But maybe you don't agree with some of the things she says. That supplicating guy is going to agree with everything she says

and she's going to smell a kiss ass. If you just kind of basically grow the stones or summon the stones to say, oh, actually, you know what? I disagree. I think XYZ is a better whatever movie. Or, oh, no, I really hated that album. What you like that album? Oh my gosh. You have terrible taste in music. I don't know if I can date you. Uh, you'll, you'll grow more comfortable when you're, when you start being authentic and honest with a woman on a date.

And the more comfortable you get, the more confident you get, the more confident you get, the easier it is to talk, to flirt, to know what to say. And then one final tip about what to say and how to say it from that lens of authenticity is I want you to think about sharing a true, ooh, here's a good way to do it. Come to a date or a conversation. Be ready to share a true, honest, ideally vulnerable story from your past. That will be very compelling to her because A, everybody loves a good story. B, you're being real and vulnerable, and that's really compelling. C, you're making yourself literally more charismatic in the moment

because stories get people reacting to us. And when you're getting somebody reacting to your energy, your authentic, real energy, that makes you charismatic to them because they're the audience and you're on stage in a sense. So you become sort of that cooler, attractive guy who's sharing, bringing her into your world. Also, the great thing about storytelling, having a really good personal anecdote

from your life, from your past, is once you tell yours, that's going to give her the green light to then have her open up about stories from her past. And you know what a really great date or flirty conversation can be? It can be two people swapping increasingly fun, funny, vulnerable life stories. It can just be a bunch of quick anecdotes and stories back and forth with some light, playful chat in between. And because you're being your true selves, you're hitting it off. And because you're going first,

because you're first giving her what she wants to give you, you're making a genuine connection because you're doing it from a place of contribution. You're giving in order to get. Because remember, the supplicant is trying so hard to get her to like him. That's agenda-driven. It's also manipulative with a lowercase m. The alpha male pickup guy who recites all this bullshit, toxic nonsense and canned lines, he's being manipulative with a capital M because he's doing it as a completely false persona and purely for his outcome. So that's manipulative. And that's also selfish. But when you're in that third authentic place place you're giving first what you want to get and if you don't get it that's okay maybe she won't give it back and that's fine at least you

tried but take it from me women love a guy who first gives to them and that compels them to want to give back especially when it's coming from that authentic, good intentioned place. All right. I hope that all makes sense. Thank you so much as always for listening. And don't forget your future girlfriend. She's out there and she may not have met you yet, but she already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you.

All right. I'll see you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media.