How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Get Over a Breakup, with ‘Letting Go of Your Ex’ author Cortney Warren

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

Have you ever had a painful breakup? Have you been so obsessed with your ex that you didn’t want to date? Have you felt, “I’ll never find someone as good as her”?Today’s special guest can help!Dr. Cortney S. Warren is a bestselling author, clinical psychologist and an expert in getting over a bad breakup. Cortney joins Connell in this episode to share simple, powerful tips from her bestselling book, “Letting Go of Your Ex: CBT Skills to Heal the Pain of a Breakup and Overcome Love Addiction.” She also offers some practical advice to help you overcome heartache and find someone NEW to share your life with.It’s time to let go of pain, heal your heart, and find someone as wonderful as you are… and do it with authenticity! Listen to Cortney and Connell’s deep, insightful conversation now.FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3READ CONNELL’S 47 TIPS ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND:http://www.datingtransformation.com/how-to-get-a-girlfriendQuotes"Thinking about your ex is normal. Yet obsessing over them during dating as a distraction can prevent you from forming new meaningful connections."- Cortney Warren"Intense love mixed with past traumas can impact relationships significantly. Self-awareness is key to navigating these complexities."-Cortney WarrenFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationFeatured GuestCortney WarrenWebsite: http://www.drcortney.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcortneywarren/Chapters00:00 - Introduction04:24 - Influences of Past Relationships on Future Actions08:23 - Growth and Authenticity Post-Breakup10:55 - Resilience and Recovery after Heartbreak14:47 - Embracing Grief to Achieve Acceptance17:20 - Gratitude: A Pathway to Moving Beyond Past Relationships21:01 - Dating as a Catalyst for Personal Development24:43 - Navigating Intimacy Challenges Stemming from Trauma28:59 - Coping with Heartbreak and Relationship Advice30:18 - Seeking Genuine Connections Based on Values and Chemistry36:18 - Prioritizing Fun Over Perfection in Dating37:55 - Transforming Disempowering Questions to Empowering Ones42:01 - The Role of Physical Touch in Enhancing Bonding and Love44:49 - Authenticity as a Precious Asset in the Dating Scene46:11 - ConclusionPowered by Heartcastmedia

Here's my tip, guys. I have not written a bestselling book about this, unlike Courtney. But if you get dumped, don't go play whack-a-mole. That's not going to fix it. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. And welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett.

I'm normally here to help you learn to flirt and find a great soulmate using authenticity. But today we have a different mission in mind. Today it's about how to get over your ex and how to use what's happened with perhaps a bad breakup in a way to help you become more authentic, more awesome, more amazing, and then down the road, find somebody. And we're going to do that today with a very special guest. Today, I'm joined by Dr. Courtney S. Warren. Courtney is an award-winning board-certified clinical psychologist and author. She's an expert on addiction, on self-deception,

something I know a lot about, and on romantic relationships. Her latest book is called letting go of your ex CBT skills to heal the pain of a breakup and overcome love addiction. It explores breakups and how to, how to heal from them through the lens of addiction. And she has a Ted talk, which I just watched. It's really good. It's called honest liars. That's been viewed nearly 2 million times. And if you want to know a lot more about Courtney, please go to her website, drcourtney.com. And that's D-R-C-O-R-T-N-E-Y.com. Courtney, thank you so much for being here on the Dating Transformation Podcast. Total pleasure. So glad to be here with you.

I'm really excited about this. I have not ever spoken to a breakup expert or how to recover from breakup expert. But I have one question I want to start with. I just watched your TEDx talk, and I love the first line. The first line you come out and you say, humans are masters of self-deception. And boy, did that hit home for me for a lot of reasons. Can you elaborate on how we deceive ourselves either in the area of dating or in the area of perhaps a breakup that you can't get past? Take it from there. I start with the easy questions. Yeah. We don't like to think of ourselves as liars.

It's not a very positive way of self-concept, right? It's not a way we really want to think of ourselves. But the truth is that we all lie to ourselves in very characteristic ways. And even though we want to believe that all of our thoughts are true, in fact, most of them are very distorted. And when it comes to romantic love, we learn from an early age from our parents, from our cultural context, from our peers, what it means to have a partner, what it means about us, what it means about them. And some of the biggest lies that we are likely to internalize include the following. I need a partner to be whole, to become one. This other person completes me.

If I look the perfect way, if I have the right hair and the right body shape, then I'm bound to find the right person. And then we're going to have this perfect life and nothing's going to be difficult because I've found this magical human. The truth is that we believe so many falsehoods about romantic love that we unknowingly bring with us into our dating relationships. And as we do that, we really unintentionally thwart the ability to connect with another human. And that's kind of the crux of how self-deception relates to ourselves in romantic relationships. This is great. I'm in a relationship now, a wonderful relationship with my incredible partner, Jess.

Congratulations. How do people... Thank you. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky and in love. She's my schmoopy, as I call her. Amazing. Schmoopy. And you just said we can take... I think you said something using the word thwart. We thwart ourselves with the next relationship after a breakup. What are some ways that people, especially men, thwart themselves? I think that until you can stare down what didn't work about your last relationship and see it and acknowledge it and try to shift it, there is a very strong likelihood that you're going to bring that baggage into your next relationship. In addition, we learn a lot

about ourselves and our value as a romantic partner from our insecurities, starting as young children. And so to really be sure that you're not taking, like it's as if you have a suitcase and you're bringing your baggage from, oh, that breakup didn't go well. That person cheated on me. That person I really wasn't that into. Oh, that person that ended in a huge argument with me moving out of the house. If you don't pause and very deliberately look in the mirror and say, what does this situation say about me? What did I do to contribute to these relationships not working or to the relationship dynamics being unhealthy? And how can I utilize that self-awareness and that information to shift my thinking, to shift my expectations, to shift my emotional reactions so that I now am a more authentic, more grounded, more secure human as I walk into my next phase. That's really the goal of how I want people to think about

dating and relationships. I want you to think of them as a massive experiment. You are in a big romantic relationship experiment that includes lots of people over the course of your life, starting in adolescence. And those can be really doozies. So you might have some guys out there going, oh, those were some rough ones. And we transition through our lives, hopefully, ideally, gaining experience, gaining knowledge, gaining a sense of who we are and what matters to us. But if you notice you're still pining, you're still stuck, you're still angry, you're still idealizing one of those old exes in a way that's harmful to your current dating experience, pause. Because now is the time for you to look in the mirror. Yeah. What I hear you say.

Here's my hot take. My hot take is a breakup is good for you. A breakup can be the best thing that ever happened to you if you can find a way to use it as a vehicle for growth and transformation. 100%. Every experience you have in life has the opportunity to give you a massive gift. If you're going through a bad breakup, it is inherently because the relationship is not working for you or your partner, or maybe both of you. And so from that lens, look for the gift. What can you learn? So that eventually a day from now, a year from now, five years from now, you look back and you say, oh my gosh, thank you. Thank you for that breakup. Thank you for that experience.

I never want to go through it again. I hope I'm never there again. But thank you because I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't had to live through it. Very well said. I want to read an excerpt from your book, which I love. A brief dramatic reading from Letting Go of Your Ex. It's a short paragraph. There's a couple of ellipses in here.

So forgive me for shaving a little bit off to make it concise, but I just love this paragraph from your introduction. You write, quote, you may be struggling to get through each day. This is after a breakup. It may seem like nothing good could possibly come from this experience, but I'm here to tell you that something can. There's always a gift in life's most painful moments because distress is one of the biggest predictors of therapeutic change. You're more likely to evolve and grow when you feel so bad that you can't afford to stay the same. As your ex stops being the center of your world, you can emerge as a stronger, more authentic version of yourself. That just hit me so hard in the best possible way when I read it.

And I just wanted to say that was a great quote. And would you like to add anything to that or do the words speak for themselves? Oh, thank you so much for that. When you're in the thick of a bad breakup, let me just paint a picture for anyone listening. You meet someone out of the sea of thousands of potential mates. There's this person, they capture your attention and you start thinking about them. You start obsessing about them. You start planning for a future together. You want to be with them. You want to touch them. You feel euphoric. You feel magical. This is really that intense, addictive experience of

falling in love that most humans are going to have at some point in their life. And it's probably arguably the most wonderful, natural, addictive experience that you could have as a human being. And in that experience, you create all of these conclusions about that person and yourself. They're perfect for me. I want to be with them all the time. We are building a life together. You are the magical person that's going to make my future bright. And then you break up. They don't want to be with you anymore. You realize they're really unhealthy for you.

They aren't the person that you thought they were. You have some very unhealthy dynamics. Maybe they just really don't love you the way that you love them. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm,

and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help.

He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Conal or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact

and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. And you enter into a state of withdrawal. You are sad.

You feel depressed. You are anxious. You are panicky. You want to know why it ended. You want answers. You want an answer that makes sense to you about why it's not going to work. You want to see them. You want to touch them again. You want to find a way to change yourself or them so that it will work. It is this desperate, miserable heartache. I wrote this book for people experiencing that, where you have fallen so madly in love with someone that it feels like magic. And then you break up and you feel lost and alone as if your life has ended and you don't know who you are anymore. And the truth is that that experience really is terrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I have been there. You have probably been there

because the truth is that almost all humans will be there at some point in their life. And it's also very likely that you've broken someone else's heart in that way. It's a very natural human phenomenon. We're wired that way because evolutionarily, our biology wants us to become so fixated and obsessed with some other human that we want to touch them and be with them and have sex with them and procreate so that we will propagate our species and help us all survive. But if it then ends, it really can be one of the most distressing experiences for humans. And it's one of the primary reasons that people come in for therapy. Because when you're in that state of heartache,

you also will make some very untrue conclusions about yourself. You may think things like, I'm never going to get over them. Nobody's ever going to want me. I am am broken I am unlovable something's wrong with me now everybody knows I just made a huge mistake I'm not the person that they wanted me to be I have to change I'll do anything I'll do anything to get them back none of that is helpful most of of it is false. And it offers us the opportunity to understand you at a deeper level and how you got here and what we need to shift in order for you to move forward. Wow. You're bringing back memories for me. Well, I wish I hadn't quit drinking. I could really use a whiskey right now. No, I'm kidding. You brought back memories. I went through a bad breakup about 12 years ago.

And intellectually, cognitively, I knew that this woman and I were not meant to be together anymore. But for, gosh, a full 30 days after it ended, I felt like I was walking around in a world with a different atmosphere. I was so tense. I felt incomplete. I had so many questions of self-doubt, like, oh my gosh, did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? We had so many great times. What was I thinking? And eventually it passed, but gosh, it's like your brain can tell you it's right, but then there's something else happening inside of us that can just overtake the emotions, even if you know it's the right thing to do. Absolutely. And when you were going through that, were you dating again?

Did you realize that you were still preoccupied with your ex or were you trying to move forward? I was not dating. I just felt like, oh, I probably need a month, at least a couple months of, of non-dating time. I just missed, I just missed her. I just missed her and the friendship we had and the connection we had. And like a lot of men, I'm in my head a lot thinking, overthinking, Did I do the right thing? Did I, should I have committed to her? And no, I wasn't dating. I was just, I was just sad. I was just sad.

I get it. You know, it's helpful sometimes to think about a breakup as a grieving process that starts with shock and denial of like, this can't be happening. Is this happening? That quickly moves into bargaining, which is this grappling that you're describing where you're saying, maybe this was a mistake. Is there a way to fix it? Is there a way that I can figure this out? And actually, I think for men and women, but men who are in that phase of grappling where it's like

you're in a non-relationship relationship now, you've broken up technically, but men who are in that phase of grappling where it's like you're in a non-relationship relationship now. You've broken up technically, but you're still sleeping together or you're still thinking about them or you're really unsure because you kind of want to hang on, but you intellectually might know that it's really not good for you, yet they're really good looking or you have great chemistry, you have a lot in common or you're afraid of change or you're afraid you're not going to meet anyone else that bargaining phase that grappling can be incredibly distressing and unpleasant and eventually usually when the breakup actually happens we have a strong emotional reaction of sadness of missing them of sometimes, especially if they broke up with us or cheated

or did something that was really violating in some way. And the goal eventually is to get to a place of acceptance. And that's really kind of what you were highlighting earlier, where you can look back on the breakup and on the person in all of its glory the wonderful moments the magical moments and the really tough brutal ugly moments and say I'm grateful it's over the relationship is done but I am actually grateful for the entire thing and I really have no more attachment to it. So oftentimes we think about breakups from a perspective of love and hate. Like I love this person and now I'm so angry and I hate them. And the reality is that love and hate are not opposites.

We haven't talked about them like they are opposites, but they are not. The opposite of love is indifference. And the opposite of hate is indifference. And the opposite of hate is indifference. It's the ability to come to a place where this person, this stimulus, actually has no effect on your life at all because you no longer have any feelings about them that matter. And eventually, hopefully, it actually is profound gratitude for the experience with a smile on your face where you look at them and go, wow, that was a lot. That was a lot. But whether you're dating or married somebody else now, or maybe you're still single and send me a message from time to time and I have that thought of, ooh, should we revisit this?

And then I go, oh, you know what? No, but I wish you the best. That's the goal after a breakup is for anyone out there listening who still has that wandering eye for that ex or they keep their eye on them in case they're single again, or maybe they even idealize this past person and compare all their new dating partners to her or him in a way that keeps you unavailable to your next mate. That is what we're trying to come away from. Do you have a tip on, laughing through the memory of of the pain on what to do in literally those first one, two, three days after the breakup happens? Here's what not to do based on my past. So when this relationship ended, don't go to Six Flags amusement park with your friends who are trying to cheer you up and God bless them. They had great intentions. They said, Connell, we're going to Six Flags. We're going to have a great day. This is literally

two days later. And I walked around trying to eat my cotton candy and ride the roller coasters. And I was just miserable. It was the least fun day I've ever had at an amusement park. Maybe I'm just, that's me. So that's, dear listener, don't go to Six Flags if you just got dumped or if you feel really guilty over dumping somebody, which is more what happened in my case. Any thoughts on do's and don'ts in those first one, two, three, four days after the breakup happens? Do self-care as much of it as humanly possible try to eat in a healthy way try to get some sleep try to get some social support contact loved ones talk about it get some exercise get outside anything that you can do that is self-soothing in a healthy way. Don't chronically try to contact them. Don't

try to get answers that they may never be able to give you. The why question, right? Don't allow yourself to act in self-harming ways so the whiskey example going to the bar any kind of cutting any kind of self-harm don't don't do any of that my biggest recommendation for those first few days or that first week is really just to pause and focus on self-care, whatever that looks like for you. Okay. It's not a roller coaster in my case. It might be in somebody else's. Sure. If that's what you need, that's okay. I do think being with your friends is one of the top things that will help you. So the fact that your friends took you out is really wonderful.

That did help me. Not at the amusement park, just talking with people. But playing whack-a-mole wasn't the answer for me. Little anger management. Here's my tip, guys. I have not written a bestselling book about this, unlike Courtney. But if you get dumped, don't go play whack-a-mole. That's not going to fix it. I'm sorry, you were saying. And remember that you're not alone. Remember that this is a very human experience. Really, it's part of how we learn and it's part of our dating journey. And there isn't anything wrong with you. There isn't anything bad. Sometimes, especially in dating,

you make the best choices with the information you have. You meet someone, you start dating them, and it may be an in-love experience, but at some point you get enough information to say, this isn't good for me, or this isn't working, or the other person says, you're not right for me. When you get more information, the best thing that you can do is change your choices. Don't lie to yourself. Don't try to sugarcoat it. Don't turn into an inauthentic version of yourself. Don't compromise your own values to try to meet theirs. Stay true to yourself and ask yourself really,

well, what do I need to do now? And if that means you need to break up or they're going to break up with you, work on accepting it. Eventually, that's our goal is to come to a place of acceptance and gratitude. You have a place of acceptance and gratitude you have a lot of great stories in the book some are about you some are about clients and people you've worked with yes is there a story that comes to mind personal or somebody else's that is a really good example of somebody who thought oh gosh this is hopeless I can't get over this I'll never love again and then they were able to look back and say, you know what? That breakup happened for me. I'm glad it happened because look at my life now.

Any stories or examples that come to your mind? Oh, yeah. I mean, hundreds. I think I'll use myself because self-disclosure is probably the best way. Great. I think I fell in love, madly in love for the first time when I was in college. And I was absolutely unprepared for what that experience would feel like and how it would affect me. So I met this person and had all of these faulty conclusions. They're perfect for me. We're going to end up together. We're going to get married. We're going to have a family. We're similar. We have similar values. The truth was that I had a very dysfunctional childhood in many ways, as many of us do. And when I fell in love, it triggered a whole host of insecurities in me that I didn't even

know were there. For example, my parents were divorced when I was really young. I was about four years old. And so I learned that love was not safe and that if you fell in love, you were going to be left. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting

wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook.

Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. So when I fell in love, it was this magical, wonderful, I love this. And very quickly, it was followed by panic. Oh my gosh, how am I going to keep him? How am I going to make this work? What if we break up? Where is he going? And one of the most probably profoundly sad moments for me, we had been dating for probably two years and he came to my room. I was in college and said, I'm going out with my friends. Normal, totally reasonable. Some of the guys out there might think, yes, I do this. And my reaction was to burst out in tears. I was sobbing. And he looked at me and he said, Courtney, what's wrong? And I said, I don't know. And he left and he went on his very normal

time with his friends. And he said, if you don't work on this, you're going to ruin our relationship. And he was right. And that really started my own personal journey of trying to understand my own reactivity with intimacy in romantic relationships and how to authentically be close to another person with a trauma background that said being close to other people is actually never safe. And so I can use myself as an example to say, I think in romantic relationships, unlike many other relationships, one of the hardest parts about them is that they will bring up any insecurities and self-doubt that you have about yourself or that you've experienced during your life prior to falling in love.

And if you combine the falling in love experience, which is highly addictive and highly emotional with any kind of past trauma, difficult experiences with previous relationships, unhealthy learning about yourself and your value as a human being from your parents, from your peers, from your cultural group, it is going to explode in your romantic relationships and dating life. And the only person who can help you figure that out is you. And so that's really why romantic relationships and breakups can be such explosions from a mental health perspective in our experiences. Because I guarantee you, if you're insecure about something or uncomfortable with intimacy or don't trust other people or don't feel grounded in who you are and your value, your core value as a person, it's going to emerge in your dating life. That's so on point and powerful. And you and I were

emailing a little bit about helpful talking points and topics for this conversation today. And one of the things you emailed me about was dating after a breakup and dating after heartbreak. And some men listening to this might be in a situation where it's been a while since the last relationship ended, maybe a long while, maybe a year, maybe longer, but they still feel like, you know, I'm still not over her. I'm still not over Rebecca. And they're using that right or wrongly. They're using that as a reason why they're not going to go out and date. Do you have any advice for that kind of man? He wants love. He does want a great

relationship, but he's still pining over his ex. This is a big question, but how do you know when it's time to start dating again? How do you go into dating with the right attitude and not feeling like you're still pining over your ex? I think the time to start dating again is when you are open to a new experience. And I say that because you don't have to be completely over your ex to keep dating. I actually don't even think that's reasonable. There are certain exes you may have in your life that you're always going to think about, that you're always going to care about, that you might have some insecurities and sadness about, and that's perfectly okay there is nothing wrong with you that you still think about your ex what I think is dangerous

is when you're completely fixated on your ex still and you're dating as a distraction because in that situation you're not actually open to meeting someone new and to having a different kind of romantic experience with someone else. You're trying to essentially distract yourself from the pain of someone who is still the center of your life, even though you're not in a relationship with them anymore. So if anyone listening is recognizing they've gone through a bad breakup, they're still thinking about them, but they know that it's over and they actually don't even really want to go back, but they still think about them or they still have some heartache sometimes, I would say that's okay. I would jump in. There are many techniques and skills that I wrote about in the book. The book is a very hands-on kind of workbook style to be used with tons of exercises in it.

I would encourage you to go through your values. Think about what do you really care about now? What are those kind of core values that you think you need in a partner and try to solicit dating experiences that might capitalize on those values first and foremost. So at a minimum, you're meeting people that you like, that you have something in common with, that you will enjoy being around. Because oftentimes, especially with younger men, I would say, and maybe with all humans, you could argue, lust is a driving force in who we select to date. What I mean by that is you're looking for somebody who turns you on. Who's hot? Who do you have chemistry with? I'm going for

that. But the problem with lust is that it doesn't have anything to do with who the person is on the inside. And so it's very likely that if you're lusting over someone and then start sleeping with them and you have this huge endorphin hormone rush and you start to get attached to them, that you could fall in love with them. And then you're going to be in a relationship with someone who you're in love with and have nothing in common with and are not going to have a very healthy dynamic moving forward. So start smarter this time start with who am i and what do i really care about how can i meet someone who has at least some version of a similar value system or some kind of core interest in common and then who i can also authentically show up

as the best version of me now, which includes the fact that I've been through a heart wrenching breakup and I am still struggling with the ex to some degree. And I can actually integrate that as a part of my new relationship when I meet this new person and can say, you know, I've had some heartache. And what I've realized

through that journey is this. I really want an authentic connection. I really want someone who I have chemistry with, but also who I really like as a human being, who I share some things in common with, who wants a similar lifestyle to me. And that's what I'm hoping for. And I'm here to try to see if you're that person or if you could be that person, or maybe you're not, but maybe I just get to meet someone who's great and I get to have an experiment. I get to have an experience to learn about myself in the process. The goal is really not to meet your ideal person. Like this is not what dating is. Dating is not for you to say, I'm out there to find Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful.

That's not it. Dating is the experience of understanding yourself in a relationship context. And in that experience, the ideal, the hope is you find someone who you can authentically meet, be yourself, share your whole self, the good, bad, and the ugly, and they can do the same and you still choose to be together. Sorry for interrupting. I agree a thousand percent.

I'm all about authenticity. What I teach my guys is I want you to be radically authentic. I want you to be really vulnerable, real, be an open book. Not an open wound, open book. Have value. Tell the truth. Exactly. Tell the truth.

And absolutely, I tell them that dating is a social experiment. Your worth as a man is not on the line here based on how this date goes or whether or not this woman wants to keep dating you. Worst case scenario, you're not a good fit for her or she's not a good fit for you. And that's totally okay. So you're speaking to the choir for sure. A couple of final questions here. Oh, go ahead, please. I want your followers to know, like 100% know in their gut, in their core is whether they're in a relationship or not has no influence over their value. Zero. Whether you are single, dating your ex, dating the new hot thing, dating someone or not is irrelevant to your value. And the more you know that, the better positions you're going to be

in life for new relationships, for your career, for your sense of self-esteem, all of it, period. And I would add to that, the number of people you've dated in the past is not a reflection on your worth and value. Because I get many men who've had little to no dating experience, many men who are virgins, or many men who've just had one short relationship. And they say, I don't know, Connell, will she like me? I haven't dated that much. And I say, that's not your worth, how many women you have dated or whether or not you had great relationships. If you can show her that authentic connection and you meet what she wants in a man and you have a genuine, real connection with each other, then she might be the one for you and vice versa.

Actually, your job isn't even to figure out what she likes or if she likes you. Your job is to be yourself because to end up in a successful relationship means that you get to be yourself and they still want to be with you. So I would take it even a step further and say what she thinks of you is actually none of your business. Your job is to be your best self. And eventually, if you develop a connection that's strong enough, then you'll care what she thinks because you value her, not because it reflects your value. Absolutely. I like that. It's none of your business what she thinks of you. I tell my guys, you can't be a solar-powered structure that's only warm when the sunlight of a woman shines on you.

You've got to be powered from within. You've got to be a nuclear power plant. You've got a furnace coming from the inside. And that's going to make you much warmer and brighter to attract somebody. No question. But I'm going to steal your line, too. Anyway. None of your business.

Don't worry about what she thinks. It's none of your business. One final question from me. I'm dying to ask you this question. You mentioned, oh, let's talk about what happens when you're trying to be the perfect date. You've gone through a breakup. You're over it or you're as over it as you can be. Do you have any tips for the single introverted guy who's just dating now and might be thinking,

I've got to be the perfect date. Any advice for that gentleman? You absolutely do not need to be the perfect date. There is no perfect date, period. What I would say though, especially for anyone who doesn't have a lot of dating experience and is trying to have a fun time is to really ask your date what they like, what they enjoy, and then think about what you like and enjoy and try to create an experience together that would be fun. Because fun is actually a really integral part of our quality of life as humans. And dating can be really miserable. So the more you can have experiences that are fun and enjoyable, even if it's not a love connection, the better as far as I'm concerned.

So find a way to make it light and enjoyable. I agree. Do they like music? Do they like a certain kind of food? Do you like to dance? Or are you just really anxious? And it's like, well, let's just take a walk or get an ice cream or meet for coffee or something that's less stressful. But whatever it is, go into it with the goal of being yourself and trying to enjoy the experience. The more anxiety people usually feel when they're prepping for a date, so trying to make sure that it goes perfectly,

and did I say the right thing, and am I wearing the right thing? The less fun you're going to have because you're going to be stuck in your head. So get all of that out the window. Your job is to show up, be yourself, and have fun. Tony Robbins has an interesting concept that really spoke to me at one of his seminars years ago. He talks about this idea of a primary question. In different contexts of our lives, we have this underlying question that's beneath the surface, but it's informing things. And on first dates, I know from my past that my underlying question was, how can I get her to like me? Or am I good enough for her? Or later when I got more advanced, but still a disempowering question was, how can I make this

the perfect date? And those are all very disempowering questions to ask yourself because they don't give you good solutions and fun dates. I love the question that you essentially told the listener to ask himself, which is, how can I make this a fun date for both of us? Yes. How can I be playful and authentic and have fun with her? And just see if we click. That gives you such higher quality answers and gives you a more fun date. Love it. It's coming from a position of power and playfulness and confidence as opposed to trying to avoid things that might make it heavy and negative.

So I love it. How can I make this fun and playful for the two of us? How can I make this a positive experience? Right. Yeah. And people who listen to this know I say things like, thumb wrestle with her. Have a staring contest. Play fun little word games. There's a million ways to have fun on a date. And what's nice is when you shift your focus from how can I make her like me? Or how can I be perfect, which just creates stress. You instead say, Hmm, what's the next fun thing we can talk about or do? And,

and look, some women like tall guys, some women like muscles, some women like good looks, some women don't care. I think almost everybody on a date loves fun and playfulness. Who wouldn't? That's a universal thing. So that's a great place to come from. No question. No question. You want to each leave the date going, that was really great.

I don't know if it's a love connection or not, but that was great. I liked him. I'm glad I went on that date. That's all you're going for. The truth is also that even if you don't have chemistry right away, even if it isn't a lusting situation where you think, oh, this is the perfect person physically or based on sort of demographics, the more you like someone, the more you're going to find them attractive. And so there's a whole large body of research looking at attractiveness. And the truth is that if you are just yourself and you like them and they like you, they will over time think you're better looking and be more likely to want to date you. I know that's true because women have told me that they said,

you know, I wasn't really expecting to be that into you, which was her way of saying, you're not a male model. But I just was laughing and I had such a great time and yeah, I wanted to keep seeing you. So not everybody has six-pack abs or six-foot-three, but I think every guy can cultivate fun. And I'm not saying funny. You don't even have to be some super witty, funny guy. That's a nice bonus. But if you just cultivate fun, light, playfulness,

talking about fun, light, playful topics, you're giving her a wonderful gift on a date, and she might look at you and say, wow, I want more of this. This is great. And it does make a woman feel like, wow, I'm really attracted to him. Maybe it's the overall energy she's feeling and emotions, not just the package, the overall physical package. So I love that you said that. I didn't know that. I'd love to hear more about that data and those stats on how fun and playfulness makes us more attractive because we can largely control that, whereas we can't control our

looks and our height and things like that. I would totally send you a bunch of articles and we could talk about it more too. It also is true that as you start to make eye contact and have more sexual behaviors. And I don't mean just intercourse. I mean, you know, touching and looking at each other and being playful with even like touching each other's shoulders. It will stimulate bonding hormones, right? And then certainly when you actually start having sex and orgasm together, it will also make it more likely that the other person could fall in

love with you and that you would fall in love with them. So our body is really trying to help us here. If you like someone and you enjoy them, you're more likely to have some kind of physical touch, even if it isn't seeming like you're in the bedroom physical touch. And then as you move forward that way, it's actually likely to grow. Well said. I'll leave you the last word. Is there anything I didn't ask you or anything really important or powerful you would love to talk to the single, good-hearted, probably somewhat introverted and nice guy who's listening to this that we haven't addressed?

I think what I'd really want you to know is that there are lots of people out there who would like to date you. Because I have really seen over the years that there's someone for everyone. There are many people for everyone, actually. And there are billions of people in the world. It may not look like your checklist of who you think you want, because sometimes we get stuck in our own heads about like, oh, this is the person that I want to marry, or this is the person that I want to date. And then in actuality, the people you really connect with look nothing like that. That was certainly true for me when I was dating younger in my life. And so don't give up. Don't lose hope. Be open to different experiences. Think of it as an

experiment. Date people who maybe on paper you'd think, this probably isn't for me, because you never know what you're really going to like and what you're really going to connect with. What I really strongly believe is that if you want a mate, you can have one. And that it's just going to take some practice to find someone or many people who you really want to spend your time with. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. I love it. Yeah, there's a lot of people out there for you potentially. And it only takes one to find the one and to that i would add even though there's millions possibly millions of people out there for you there's only one of you and i love this idea you've talked a lot about authenticity which is what i'm all about and i say to my listener look

there's lots of guys out there using the same cheesy lines they find in pickup artist forums. But if you are truly authentic with a woman, you're not one in a million, you're one in 8 billion. You are a perfectly singular person. And that is going to rock her world if you're the type of guy she wants to be with, because you're quite literally unique. So thank you so much for coming and talking about your book and authenticity and how to get over a breakup. Can you tell our listener if they want to get your book, what's the best way for them to find a copy? Sure. You can get it anywhere you like to buy books, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Goodreads. You can get it on Audible now. So feel free to check it out

or even recommend it to others who might be going through a rough breakup. It's really written for people who are in the throes of that really bad breakup situation or even years later, still feel like they're stuck on their ex. Yes.

And you're approaching 100 five-star reviews on Amazon. You have sky-high rating and review. So it's a darn good book. I've already been reading it. Please check it out. Courtney, thank you so much for joining us today. I had a great time chatting with you. This was really eye-opening. My pleasure. Absolutely enjoyed it. I wish everyone the very best out there. Thank you for listening. And remember, your dream partner, your dream girlfriend, she's already out there and she

already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.