How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Know Exactly What to Say When You Approach… & NEVER Get Rejected

Episode Date: October 24, 2024

So you want to talk to women you notice IRL—in bars, coffee shops, at the gym—but you just know what to say without seeming creepy. In this episode of the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast, your host—dating coach Connell Barrett—shares his 3-step approaching framework so you’ll know exactly what to say to break the ice in a charming way. The great news? Connell’s approaching method is virtually rejection-proof! And you don’t need to memorize weird pickup-artist lines. You can confidently talk to women anywhere, while being spontaneous and in the moment. Stop struggling with approaching and start confidently meeting women, and do it with charm and authenticity. Listen now to learn how!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO CONFIDENTLY FLIRT WITH WOMEN BY BEING AUTHENTIC (NO SKETCHY PICKUP MOVES NEEDED): http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactQuotes"Release the pressure to be perfect; authentic words resonate more deeply than the perfect script." - Connell Barnett"Engage with light, playful compliments and watch simple interactions blossom into memorable moments." - Connell BarnettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite:https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Intro01:01 - Approach Women with Genuine Charm04:02 - No Perfect Words: Use This Framework07:28 - Compliment Beyond Looks10:33 - Ask Sincere Questions, Expect Warmth16:01 - Tailor Compliments to the Context17:58 - Smoothie Date from an Indirect Compliment21:21 - Prep Mentally Before Approaching Women22:11 - Outro

what's a woman gonna say how dare you give me a compliment about my style you creep no there's nothing creepy about this welcome to the dating transformation podcast here's your host dating coach Connell Barrett welcome back to the how to get a girlfriend podcast I am your host dating coach Connell Barrett I am here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract a wonderful girlfriend. And do it all by being authentic. Dating with integrity and heart. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed at all.

And today's a really cool episode. I want to give you a really simple, elegant, three-step framework so that you will always know what to say and how to break the ice with a woman you see out in the regular world in your day-to-day or night-to-night life. Maybe you see a really pretty girl at the gym, or maybe there's a woman you have caught eyes with on the subway or in your commute and you have always wanted to say hi to her but you're just not sure what to say and you're worried you know you get stuck in your head you don't want to say something creepy you don't want to hit on her you don't want to get rejected and I want to I want to

give you a really simple elegant way to always know what to say and what to do. And also do it in a way that has a very high success ratio in terms of getting a positive response from the woman. So that's what you're going to get this episode, my elegant three-step open, break the ice open sort of framework. And what I want for you to be able to do is I want you to feel really confident and comfortable to always know what to say and how to say it when you see a woman out there in the real world. And also to know that you're going to come off as charming. You're going to come off as normal and authentic and genuine and not some weird creepy pickup dude and have mostly good responses

from women. Sound good? Okay, let's talk about this. And first of all, let me share the biggest mistake that most men make and then I'll bet you're making too. It's a very simple, almost like a secret hidden mistake. Here's the mistake. It's actually, it's a mindset mistake that can hurt your confidence you're probably

asking yourself this question before you approach a woman or even consider approaching her here's the mistake you're asking yourself what do I say to get her to like me or what do I say to make this go well that is an understandable question it makes sense right you want to know what to say and and how to say it however when you ask yourself this question the reason why it's a mistake is because the answer that your brain gives you creates tension it you're you're setting the bar very high for what you think you need to say to break the ice with a woman. And by asking yourself the, what do I say question, the

answer your mind usually comes up with is, oh, well, say something witty and funny and amazing and incredible and charismatic. All of a sudden you feel the pressure to say the perfect thing. So that's why that's a bad question to ask yourself. And hey, no judgment from me. I asked myself that question all the time when I was first learning about meeting women out in the real world and approaching them. So I've been there. I feel your pain pain and every time I overthought what do I say what's the right thing it put pressure on me it made me feel like I had to do a great approach and bottom line is women don't want some amazing high-tech perfectly witty approach they just want to meet a cool, normal guy and have a genuine, present,

light conversation with a cool guy like you. That's all you have to do. So we're going to get rid of that question. So no more. No more asking yourself, what do I say? What's the right thing to say? What's the perfect thing to say? Bottom line, there is no perfect thing to say. Really, that question, the reason why that question is so disempowering is the question is really asking you, what is the perfect thing to say that can guarantee that I don't get rejected? And there is nothing that I can give you to say that guarantees you will not get rejected and she will drop down and beg for you to ask for her phone number. That's not going to happen to any man. So let's get rid of that question and let's instead replace it with

a much more empowering framework. And here's what today's episode is about, is my three-step framework. It's kind of a flirting framework for light, charming icebreakers. So it's a three-step framework. Here it is. So instead of saying, what do I say? What's the right thing to do? I'm going to give you this three-step framework. And these are all indirect icebreakers. Indirect. So if you read my book, or if you just know anything about the industry, the arena of meeting women, you might know that there are indirect openers and direct openers. So for example, a direct opener would be when you make very clear with your opening words that you are attracted to this woman, that you're there for potential romance. So for example, a direct opener, which we're not going to talk about today,

but a direct opener would be you're at a bookstore. You see a beautiful woman and you walk up to her and say, hi, you're gorgeous. You seem like my type. I wanted to meet you. That opener is direct and it's making your interest clear. That's not what we're going to talk about today. Today we're going to talk about the other kind, indirect approach openers. An indirect opener is a more conversational, more friendly, more chill icebreaker. And the reason why I love indirect opens is because they have a very high percentage of good responses from women, of getting you into the conversation by being indirect. The thing about being direct is that it's very polarizing. You walk up and say, hey, you're beautiful. I wanted to meet you. What's up? That's either going to get a big thumbs up

or a big thumbs down. And frankly, most of the time it's going to get the thumbs down. So it's a lower percentage approach. And when it hooks, when a woman loves it, that's great. But maybe you don't like the idea of getting rejected a lot because you are going to get blown out, quote unquote, rejected when you approach women directly. However, what I'm about to share with you, my little elegant three-step system, three-step framework, is we're using indirect for every single approach.

And that means there's a high likelihood that she's going to like and enjoy the interaction, at least the thing you say. She's not going to push back. So here we go. Here we go. I'm not going to tell you exactly what to say. What I love about this framework is that the situation is going to tell you what to say. You don't have to plan anything. You get to be spontaneous and you get to figure it out in the moment. So let me give you the framework and then we'll go through and walk through some hypotheticals.

Option number one. You see that attractive woman, that intriguing woman out in the real world. Option number one is you give her a specific, genuine, authentic compliment about something that's G-rated. So you don't compliment her physical parts. You don't compliment her beauty or her body. But you might compliment something she's wearing, her really cool tattoo, the awesome leather jacket she's wearing, the cool dog she's walking. I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach

women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you.

Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Conal or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self, so you can make authentic romantic connections.

Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. Something about, you know, I was at a bar with clients a couple weeks back and this woman had some really cool dance moves and I had my client walk up and compliment her groovy dance moves. Next thing you know, the two of them are dancing together at this lounge.

So option number one for an indirect opener is you give her a compliment. Something specific that's authentic and genuine and that's it. You simply give the compliment. That's option number one. Option number two is you ask a question that makes sense in the context where you are. You ask a question. You don't plan it. You don't write it out ahead of time. It's not a script. We're not doing scripted, canned, pick-up material here. No. We're being spontaneous and in the moment. So step two is you ask a question that makes sense in the moment. And that's going to change based on the context. For example, I was in a coffee shop once. And this woman next to me, beautiful, attractive, stylish woman was next to me. And I thought to myself, what question makes sense to ask her? And I just simply turned to her and I said, what are you thinking about getting today?

Iced coffee or hot coffee? Are you iced iced coffee girl or a hot coffee girl and she smiled and thought about it and she said you know i go both ways i like both hot and cold and i said oh that's not me i'm all about hot coffee or cold coffee iced coffee is not for me and so we started a nice light conversation and this is a very socially normal question to ask. You're just in a coffee shop asking about coffee. Another example would be, I'm colorblind, by the way. So I've gone clothes shopping before. And I have trouble seeing red and greens and browns because my rods and cones are all messed up.

And I was at a clothing store and a few times I've asked women to simply, I've said, excuse me, miss, I have a question for you. I need your opinion. What color is this shirt? I can't tell because I'm colorblind. And I don't remember a single woman who quote unquote rejected me ever because it's a simple normal question so little mini recap here number one a specific genuine compliment about her or something you notice about her option number two is a question that makes sense based on the context like you're at a bookstore and you see a woman reading a book that you've heard about or that you've read. And you might ask her, oh, have you read that author before?

That's a really good book. Do you know his stuff or her stuff? That's a normal question. And so hopefully what you're noticing about what I'm sharing today is that these are almost rejection proof because you're not hitting on her you're not putting some weird vulgar sexuality out there too soon you're just being chill and normal and sociable and the vast majority of women are going to respond to a sincere specific g-rated compliment or a simple normal question with pretty positive or at least a friendly response, if not very positive and very friendly. So option number two is that question that makes sense. And option number three, this is my favorite. This is my personal favorite. Option number three

is you observe something unusual about her, what she's doing, the situation, and you call out the unusual thing. You observe something a little bit unusual and you call it out. And this doesn't always present itself. There's not always something unusual, but often there is. And once you notice it and mention it, this is a way to make a really good first impression, a fun, playful way to break the ice as you observe something unusual. For example, I was in Miami many years ago and I walked past this yoga studio

and there was a girl, a woman standing outside the studio. She had a yoga mat in one hand and she, a woman standing outside the studio. She had a yoga mat in one hand and she was smoking a cigarette in the other. So what's unusual about that? Well, a woman is doing something very healthy and something very unhealthy at the same time. So I think, so I just call that out. I said something like, ah, nothing like, nothing like a Marlboro Red after your downward facing dog or something like that. And she laughed, the laugh of recognition, the laugh of recognition. She's like, yeah, yeah, I've been trying to quit. It's pretty tough. Here's another example. I was at a bookstore once

and I saw a woman unfolding a big paper map. Big paper map. And if you think about it, here we are in the 2020s. Who uses a big paper map these days? That's very old. It's a very old, antiquated thing to do. Like, they did that in the 80s and 90s. So I thought to myself, that's unusual. And I called that out.

I said, is that a paper map? Like, wow. And then I said, are you a time traveler from the 1980s is your DeLorean parked out back and she laughed and got it and so that's an example of an unusual thing here's one more unusual thing this actually happened with one of my clients he was at a coffee shop and he was at that little stand of the coffee shop the little island where you put in the sugar and the cream. And the woman next to him put like five or six sugars in her coffee.

That's a little bit unusual. One sugar is normal. Five or six is unusual. And his icebreaker was, oh, I see that you take a little bit of coffee with your sugar. And she giggled and smiled. And all of a sudden they're talking having a great conversation or at least a friendly light conversation so that third option may observing something unusual this

won't always arise but when you notice it it's a great way to break the ice and all you do is you simply notice the thing that's unusual and you call it out to her you could simply say, oh, hey, I noticed blank. Here's one more example. I was at a coffee shop once and there was a woman on her laptop. And you know how people put big stickers on their laptops with their political affiliation or their favorite, I't know quote some kind of already design well she had this giant sticker on her laptop and it said less what was it again it was um more feminism less bullshit so clearly this woman is

broadcasting her views she's a feminist just so happens that at that time in my life I was learning a my life, I was learning a lot about feminism. I was learning all about feminism and I was listening to feminism podcasts. I was listening to a podcast by Greg Proops, a great comedian who's also a very outspoken feminist. Anyway, I noticed this giant sticker. So that's step three or option three. I noticed the unusual thing and I said, hey, excuse me. I just noticed that sticker. So that's step three or option three. I noticed the unusual thing and I said, hey, excuse me, I just noticed that sticker. That's a really cool sticker. The feminism sticker. I'm actually listening to a feminism podcast right now. Her eyes lit up. She's like,

really? What podcast? And I told her which one. And all of a sudden, next thing I know, I'm sitting next to her on an instant date, talking about feminism first and then podcasts and life in general with a really interesting, pretty, smart, intelligent woman. And all it started with was making that observation. So quick recap. Instead of worrying about what's the right thing to say, stop asking yourself what's the right perfect thing to say. Instead, ask yourself, which of these three ice-breaking options should I choose based on the situation? And the situation, the context, the things you notice will tell you what to say. So first ask yourself, that woman at the bar standing next to me, what could I compliment her on that is genuine,

that's authentic, and relatively specific, but also G-rated? Hey, excuse me, miss, that's a really cool, I don't know, pair of boots you're wearing. I've complimented women on their boots, on their great style, their dance moves, their tattoos, their choice of drink, the book they're reading, all kinds of things. Here's a quick story. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend.

Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman.

You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. I was once walking down in Union Square in New York City and I turned to my right and there's a gorgeous woman brunette and she had this really confident walk. She was walking like she owned the place. She owned the city in a sense and i noticed that and i said hey i love how you walk you walk like you're the mayor of new york city that was my way of complimenting her and she said well i am the mayor of new york city she said it with a little flirty smile and i said oh wow well you look much better in person than you do on TV, Mrs. Mayor.

So all of a sudden, three sentences in, I'm already flirting with her. It's very light, it's very playful. And literally five minutes later, we went to a smoothie bar for an instant date. And all I did was begin with a compliment. That's all. A specific compliment. Had I said to her, hey, you look really sexy today. You're gorgeous. She might have liked that, but more likely than not,

that would have been too much too soon for her. That direct open would have gotten me rebuffed, rejected. But the indirect, genuine compliment, she liked it. It was light and playful. She played back. She hit the ball back, so to speak. And next thing you know, I'm on an instant smoothie date with a beautiful dynamite cool woman. So that's option. That's a story for option one.

Compliment. A sincere, specific, G-rated compliment. Step two is what's a question that makes sense in the environment? What question makes sense? And all I simply do is ask myself what's happening right now in the situation or what could I ask her that is a normal thing to ask? And the example would be for that one again I remember I was at a really cool lounge and I was I was out of town I was in I was in another city and at this woman next to me and I said hey is this like the really cool place to be here it

was in um I forget where we were I think it was Miami so when my first time in Miami I said hey is this is this like they're really cool bar and lounge to be in she said oh no i mean it's okay but there's other cool places to be in it was just a normal question and there's nothing to really push back and reject there don't get me wrong you do want to flirt you do want to put some flirtatious cards on the table but you have plenty of time for that you don't need to say anything in those first sentences it's gonna get you sort of pegged as a pickup dude and the third option is that observation here's one more quick observation open story again my favorite kind of open indirect open is an observation I was at hey I was standing outside Barnes & Noble bookstore in Manhattan,

and there was a woman who was on the outside also, and she was looking through the window inside. But she was doing it for like 10, 15 straight seconds, which that's a little unusual. And I thought to myself, that's kind of strange. And I walked up to her and I said, hey, can I ask you a question? Are you on a timeout? Did you get in trouble? Did you get kicked out of Barnes & Noble for doing something wrong? that with a little bit of practice, it's a great way to practice being playful. And women love that. Not every woman wants to be hit on. I should say most women don't want to be hit on. Some women, but not most, want a sexual, really bold, direct open. The vast majority of women love a light playful opener that's what they want so there is your three elegant three option multiple choice opening system simple I should say specific G rated compliment question that makes sense in the environment and or an observation of an unusual thing and so go out there and practice

this don't just listen to this podcast don't just go oh cool all right that's an interesting approach i never thought of that don't just listen to my podcast go out and do it go out into the world or at the very least as you see women you want to talk to do at least a little mental exercise before you start breaking the ice. Oh, hey, what's a compliment I could give her? What's a question I might ask? What's an observation? First, at least do a little mental prep, and then go out and test drive it.

And the reason I love this approach is the vast majority of women whom you talk to this way, break the ice this way, you're going to get a response ranging from polite at worst to very attractive, very appreciative, and very flirtatious. You're not going to get very many mean, don't talk to me. What's a woman going to say? How dare you give me a compliment about my style, you creep? No, there's nothing creepy about this. This is very charming. It's very elegant. And it's also a very high percentage success ratio. I'm defining success, by the way, of a good positive response from her and you feeling good. So go out there, try this three-step system, stop asking yourself, what's the perfect

opener? Instead ask yourself, should I give her a compliment, ask her a question, or observe something unusual? And just choose whichever of those three presents itself to you, and then that will tell you what to say. So you'll never have to worry, what do I say again? All right, that is today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, your dream girlfriend, the woman who's going to change your life and share your life with you, she's already out there. She just needs to meet the real authentic you. Till next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies,

go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.