How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - How to Read Women & Make Deep Connections: Dating Influencer Lindsey Metselaar on What Women Want (Encore Episode)

Episode Date: November 24, 2024

Do women confuse you? Would you like to get better at connecting on and off the apps, but you struggle to read women? In today’s episode of the How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett welcomes a very special guest: Instagram influencer and dating expert Lindsey Metselaar, host of the wildly popular dating podcast We Met At Acme. Once a single woman herself, Lindsey is here to help you read women on dates, on the apps, and when you want to approach.In their fun, lively conversation, Connell and Lindsey discuss:(8:47) How Connell Went from Paralyzing Approach Anxiety to Confidently Meeting Women IRL(13:37) How to Compliment Women with Authentic Charm, and Zero Creepiness(20:00) How Lindsey’s Podcast, We Met At Acme, Helps Millennials Improve their Love Lives(24:00) Why A Woman You Like Suddenly Goes Quiet(29:50) How to Tell if She’s into You(36:07) Why Women are Drawn to Vulnerable, Authentic Men(48:07) How to Flirt with Women without Being Weird(52:29) First Date Topics to Talk About…and NOT to Talk About(53:33) The Charming Way Women Want You to Approach Them(56:52) Why Humor is More Attractive than Good Looks(59:36) Women HATE HATE HATE When Guys Do THIS!(1:01:44) Lindsey’s Top 4 Dating Tips You Need to KnowAre you ready to stop being confused by women, and start understanding how to read and connect with them? Listen now!READ LINDSEY’S SUBSTACKhttps://wemetatacme.substack.com/CHECK OUT HER BINGE-WORTHY DATING PODCASTWe Met At AcmeGO TO HER WEBSITE TO LEARN ABOUT LINDSEY’S LIVE SHOWShttp://www.wemetatacme.comFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO TALK ABOUT 1-1 COACHINGhttp://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACHhttp://www.datingtransformation.com/flirty30

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Conal Barrett. As always, here to help you flirt, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend. And we're doing this all with authenticity, radical authenticity, not a bunch of weird toxic pickup moves or alpha male BS. And this is the seventh and final episode of this week's seven episode relaunch. We've done seven straight episodes

of the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. And we're gonna continue doing two episodes per week forever, pretty much till the end of time. But I thought a great way to finish the seventh straight episode in seven days is to replay a fantastic episode I did with somebody I'm a really big fan of. Her name is Lindsay Metzeler. She's an influencer on Instagram. She is a dating expert.

She hosts a kick-ass podcast called We Met at Acme. And Lindsay and I have a great conversation that you're about to listen to where she's going to tell you, here's what women want. Lindsay is formerly single herself, and she's also a dating expert, and she really knows how to read women, how to decode the signals that women might send you, things like how to figure out if a woman is into you or not, how to understand why a woman you're talking to and you think everything's going great, all of a sudden she goes quiet or she gets somehow turned off. Lindsay is fantastic for these kinds of insights because she is a woman. She knows women. She used to be single.

She hosts a fantastic dating podcast. So I think you're going to get a lot out of this episode. And if I'm going to give you the, look, I hope you listened to the whole thing. It's 45 minutes of your time spent very well. But if you want to go to three or four of my favorite parts, I would definitely go to the 20-minute mark of today's episode where Lindsay talks about her podcast, We Met at Acme, and how it helps millennials. So if you're of the millennial age, go to the 20-minute mark. She'll talk about how her podcast

can help you out. And if you just want to find out if a woman is into you, how to tell if a woman is or isn't into you, how to read those signals. The 29 minute and 50 second mark is a great place to go. And here's a really good one. She talks about something at the 59 minute mark. She talks about something that guys do that they don't know they're doing that women absolutely hate when men do it. It's a very simple thing that you might have done on a date. Find out what it is. It's pretty simple. So easy to fix. That's at the 59 minute mark. And then at the very end, I asked Lindsay, I put her on the spot. I said, give me your top four dating tips. Lindsay does this really cool thing on her Instagram. At We Met at Acme is her Instagram.

And on her Instagram, she does four tips. Everybody needs to know. So I asked her for four dating tips. So at approximately the one hour and one minute mark, we end with Lindsay sharing four game-changing dating tips that are going to help you out. So if you want to know what women want and how to better read women, Lindsay Metzeler has the answer.

And again, check out her Instagram and definitely check out her podcast, We Met at Acme. She's great, and this episode is really solid, and she was amazing on it. So enjoy. So when I was approaching, I always wanted that sure thing, but there's just no certainties with approaching. You know, as the saying goes, nothing is certain except death, taxes, and sucky Adam Sandler movies. All right, welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you gain confidence, learn to flirt, and attract an amazing girlfriend.

And do this all with authenticity as your real best self. Not a bunch of sketchy pickup artist nonsense. So welcome to the next episode. This is launch week. By the time you're done listening to this episode, you're going to get some really awesome game changing tips about what women want, about what women want. I've got an amazing guest. She's going to give us game changing tips for, actually, she's got about 10 game changing tips for how to talk to women, how to text them on the apps, how to approach them, how not to approach them. So stick around for the whole episode because my guest, Lindsay Metzeler, is going to give

us some great tips and advice, and I'm going to jump in and join her. Okay, so today I want to first, I want to tell you a story. I want to share with you something that really bothered me. Because if you're anything like me, and I think you probably are, you want to approach women out in the world. You might see a woman at a bar or that really cute stunner in the yoga outfit who smiles at you sometimes at the gym. Or maybe you, this was a big one for me. Maybe you're at a coffee shop, you're at a Starbucks, a park on a Saturday afternoon,

and then you just see a woman sitting on a bench or she's waiting for her coffee at Starbucks and she's just like three feet away from you and you would love to break the ice with her, approach her, try to make some conversation happen and potentially get mutual attraction, get a date. But something holds you back, right? You get in your head. You think, oh, I don't know what to say. Or if I approach her, it's going to be weird and creepy. Or if I get shot down, these people are going to see it and it's going to feel awkward and weird.

And so very likely you rarely or never approach women you find attractive, especially not in the daytime. Maybe you do it at night with a little bit of liquid courage. Dr. Jack Daniels can perform some short-term miracles, but long-term alcohol is not the way to approach women. And I totally get how this feels. When I first was working on my dating life, I was basically exactly where you are. I did not approach. I doubted myself. I thought it was weird and creepy to approach women or it might be seen that way. And here was the moment that really was the turning point for me where I decided, okay, I'm going to get some help. I'm going to get some coaching. I'm going to fix this somehow. I was at a Starbucks on a Sunday afternoon in 2008. And I saw this really cute brunette sitting by herself on her phone drinking her chai latte. She's wearing a denim miniskirt. Really cute. My crush at the

time was Katie Holmes, the actress Katie Holmes. She looked a lot like Katie Holmes. And I said, okay, Connell, you're finally going to do it. You're going to walk over there and approach this girl. Here you go. And I walked over to her table. And there was even a seat next to her. It was almost like an invitation to sit down.

And I walked over and I made a beeline to her. It was almost like an invitation to sit down. And I walked over and I made a beeline for her. And at the last minute, I took a detour and basically went to the men's room. And I thought, okay, I was getting myself psyched up. Get psyched up. Go over to her. Get out of the men's room. Go back over to her. I walked to her table again. And then I circled it once, maybe twice. And I wanted so badly to approach her, but it was like there was an invisible barrier. It was almost like there was a force field around her. I couldn't do it. The thoughts that held me back were, oh man, these people are going to see me approach a girl.

If she shoots me down, I'm going to feel so fucking creepy. I don't want to be a creep. I'm a nice guy. I'm a nice boy from Ohio. I don't want to creep out a girl. I don't want to get shot down. And basically I circled her, circled her chair for about, I don't know, off and on for about two or three minutes. And I was kind of like a frightened shark, circling but too afraid to bite, quote unquote. Anyway, I couldn't get the courage up. And finally, after a few minutes, I go back to my seat and I see her walk up and she just walks out. And I watch her walk away on Park Avenue and 29th Street

in Manhattan. And I remember thinking, damn it. What's wrong with you? Why can't you approach a girl? And I remember also thinking there goes another really cool, potentially awesome, intelligent, fun, definitely beautiful woman who could have been in my life. I could have had a date with her maybe. Who knows? Maybe she would have become my girlfriend. If nothing else, I could have just stepped up and taken an action. But I didn't do it. And I felt like I couldn't do it. And I sat down and I grabbed a pen. I had a pen with me. And I started writing on a Starbucks napkin, you suck, you suck, you suck. And that was when I was really upset at myself. And that's when I went online and found the guy who became my first coach.

Anyway, the lesson here or the kind of the takeaway I want to share with you is if you are, first of all, just know that you don't suck. I wrote a book called Dating Sucks, But You Don't. And the message here of this book, among the messages is, hey, man, if you can't approach women, it's not that you suck. It's that dating is hard. It's that approaching can feel very challenging and very scary, but you don't suck. Dating can definitely suck, but you don't. You're awesome. And I had lost a sense of my awesomeness at that time. And I just could not approach women. So I needed help from a coach. You may not need a coach.

I want to give you a tip right now that you can take out into the world and use it today. That'll make it so much easier to step up to break the ice with that attractive women who you see at a bar, at the gym, at Starbucks, wherever you might be. Here's what I wish I had known back in 2008. Basically, it's a mindset fix and it's a practical tip. I could not approach that woman because I thought, number one, it's creepy and weird to hit on girls. And also, I literally didn't know what to say. I literally had no idea what the right thing to say was.

So here's a two-part tip. Tip number one is I want you to give yourself permission and remind yourself that it's true. Women don't want every man approaching them. But they definitely want a high-value, awesome man with a lot to offer to chat with them. And you have to get in touch with what you offer. You have to get a sense of, hey, I have some really great things about myself, whatever they may be, right? I have this hobby. I have a full time job. I'm a good cook. I love to travel. I'm fit. I'm at the gym all the time. You got to remind yourself that women do want men of value to break the ice with them in

a charming way. So they don't want to get hit on, per se, but they do want a high-value man like you to break the ice and make her smile. So I was so worried that day about being creepy, hitting on her, getting blown out. It was a mindset issue. Remind yourself, it's okay to approach. You're not hitting on her. You're breaking the ice. You're giving her a small gift. The gift of a short, authentic, brief, positive interaction. And women love that. Women love that. So tip number one is just give yourself permission.

I'm not hitting on the girl. I'm giving her something of value, a moment with me. And the second tip is what to say, right? You might not know what to say. Here's the great way to always know what to say. Look at the woman you want to chat with and notice something about her that's not looks related that you like and appreciate. So don't make it about, or at least don't make it, don't make it about her physical features,

okay? It can be a compliment on her look, her style. But don't make it about her lips, her body, her TNA, obviously. Here's a great way to approach. Compliment something that you appreciate. For example, if I could go back in time to that girl in the Starbucks, I would say, hey, excuse me, miss. I just want to say that you have great style. You're really put together and you have awesome style. That's not hitting on a girl.

That's just giving a genuine compliment about her cool denim skirt and her, maybe she, I forget it's been so long, but let's say she was wearing cool pink Chuck Taylor sneakers. Excuse me, miss. I love your style. Great sneakers. Awesome denim miniskirt. Denim, mini skirt. You got it going on. And let her respond to that. There's something about an authentic, specific, well-intentioned compliment that nine out of 10 women will take very well.

They'll appreciate it. And then you've broken the ice. You've done the hardest thing. You've said something to a woman with good intentions, and then she'll take it in. And then in terms of what to say next, we'll go into that on a different podcast. But think of it as, think of it as a compliment. Think of a compliment as a small gift. You're not out in the world trying to take from women. You're not trying to get small gift. You're not out in the world trying to take from women. You're not trying to get phone numbers. You're not trying to get attraction. You're not trying to get sex.

I mean, not at first. Eventually, we want those things in a win-win way. But if you want to get rid of approach anxiety today, make it about, I'm going to give genuine, sincere, real compliments to women without agenda, and then let those compliments land and see how she responds. If she smiles and says, oh my God, thank you so much. You noticed my awesome leather jacket. I appreciate that. Who knows? She might ask you a question or compliment you back. And now you're talking to a really pretty girl who you just approached, and that's when good things can happen. But even

if it doesn't go further than the compliment and she accepts the compliment, I promise you, you feel so much better by taking that action. You feel amazing about yourself as a man by being on that true authentic path and approaching women from a place of good, courageous, authentic intention. I hope that makes sense. Yeah, don't do what I did. Don't circle her chair for five minutes like a creepy little scared shark. And don't write, you suck on a napkin. Life's too short to feel that way about yourself. Okay, that was my little opening gambit for you here today. Stick around. We're going to talk to Lindsay Metzeler.

Lindsay, you're going to love Lindsay. Lindsay is a dating expert and an influencer. She's also a very experienced dater. She's married now. She's going to give you the view from the inside. What do women want? How do we text them? How do we text them? How do we approach them from her point of view?

You're going to get so many great tips from Lindsay. You're going to love this conversation. Stick around. I'll be right back with Lindsay Metzeler. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps,

flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends.

So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Conal or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps?

Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. And we're back with Lindsay Metzeler. I'm super psyched to have Lindsay here. Lindsay is a native New Yorker and she hosts a podcast called We Met at Acme, which is a popular and I can verify an awesome millennial dating podcast. I know because I was on it, even though I'm way too old to be even close to a millennial. We Met at Acme is also a brand about all things dating from live events, mixers, retreats, and more stuff that I'm sure we're going to get into. And plus, I'm just a huge fan of Lindsay's Instagram, where you can get a lot of really

great practical, quick dating tips. She does this really cool thing where she gives tips in fours, which I love, like four mistakes not to make on first dates and the like. And her Instagram is at we met at Acme. Get ready because Lindsay's a dating advice machine, and I'm super stoked to have her here today. Lindsay, welcome to Launch Week here at Dating Transformation Podcast. I am honored to be here. Thank you for having me. Your resume is so long, we have no more time for questions.

Let's pack it up then. But thanks for stopping by. Cool. Well, let's start. Let's get right to it. Let's talk about We Met at Acme. I'm sure you get this a lot. So pardon the cliched question, but what does the name mean? Where did it come from? And of course, what's the core mission? What's the core message of we met at Acme? The name came because I was very single at the time of starting my podcast, and I was frequenting Acme, which is a club in the city. And I had met some people there. And I knew some people that met there. And it just kind of rolled off the tongue and sounded really, really nice. And the

second part of the question was, remind me again. Well, your main mission here, you primarily talk to millennials, as I understand it. Yeah. What's the core mission? What's the core message? I do talk to millennials. The core message is really I'm trying to be like a big sister character to a lot of people in the dating world.

And the message is like, you are amazing. You know your self-worth. And date like you are the shit, basically. Date like it's about you choosing them, not them choosing you. And here are some ways to make dating not as stressful. And that's when the rules come in. All right. I don't know if you ever want to write a book but that's a not a bad working title is date like you're the shit um instead of the the

fuck trope maybe you'll start the the shit you're the shit the shit trope the shit's coming back bring back the shits uh tell us a little bit more about your origin story, whether it's meeting people at Acme or even before then. I'm fascinated by how people go from doubtful, struggling, lack of confidence to finding the one. You're happily married. You've obviously done something very right. But can you talk a little bit about your origin story? Maybe when you weren't a dating expert or didn't have kind of a handle on how to do this in a way that's really effective? Yeah.

Well, what's funny is that I always thought that I was an expert, right? I was that overconfident dater from the beginning where I thought that I was doing everything right all the time until I was really badly dumped. And it was kind of like a wake-up call where I was like, oh my God, you know, I'm not doing the right things or I'm not as good as I think I am. And the reason I thought I was good was because I was always great at helping friends text and like the banter stuff. That was like something I was confident about that I knew what I was doing. But when it came to, and like I could get people to date me, right? But then when it came to like long lasting relationships, it was a little bit harder.

And so I had a friend come over and we were just kind of talking about our dating life. And I was, this was like five years ago. And I was like, why don't we just record this conversation? There is no podcast out there that's about dating right now. It's like news and crime. And I feel like other people can relate to this chaos that is dating, especially in New York City, but as a millennial. And so we just recorded it and we released it.

And the rest is history. Tell me a bit more about what it's like dating as a millennial now or then. Basically, what do millennials have to take under consideration, deal with, endure versus other generations. I'm Gen X and there's people who are younger now than millennials. What is it about millennials that makes them differentiate from others? Millennials have so many different mediums when it comes to dating. It is all of these different ways to communicate. So Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, Venmo, like anything is a dating app to millennials.

And so it gets really complicated. Like we're overstimulated. We just have too many different modes of communication that often we're not communicating at all as millennials. And with the dating apps, which everyone has, I guess every generation has, but we get really desensitized to just like swiping and swiping and swiping. And so I think it's just between communication struggles and having too many options as a millennial dater, it can be really hard to sift through the noise and actually stick with something. So when one of my male clients says, Oh, Connell, I've got all these matches. But every time I ask a woman out, she finds a reason not to go or maybe she goes quiet, even though things are going well she goes quiet can that be because people have so many dating options today that could be it also could be

because women are so complicated and so confusing and i like will talk to women about their dating lives and they'll be like i just don't understand like this person will talk to me forever not ask me out but then when somebody asked them out like right right away, they're like, Oh my God, he asked me out right away. And so I think it's just finding like a happy medium between the two. I'd imagine in that situation, the woman was just like, Oh my God, it was like too much too soon. You know? Yeah. Okay. We're going to get back to texting for sure because my listener right now is he's literally sitting on the edge of a seat because you're a woman and you're an expert and you have been single and there's something about a woman giving men advice that means so much to them.

I took my girlfriend out with me once doing infield coaching with my clients where we go out on the town for the weekend and their focus all shifted away from me and they were just like and then what do i text next and what do women want so you're like an mvp here so we'll come back to the we'll come back to the texting help um i just want to maybe share some fun stories about your dating past uh one of my favorite tips for men is a fun question to ask early on a first date is asking a woman for any funny dating horror story she has because it starts it starts things out in a fun light place and also it kind of makes him hopefully look cooler than whatever loser guy she's talking about um so let me ask you uh do you

have any fun memorable first date horror horror stories from back in the day? You know, I never was that good at this answer because I got decently lucky. I mean, I had one date that was just like really mean. He told me that I sounded like a farmer, which like i guess he meant as an insult like and i didn't really know how to respond to that and that was just a weird experience and then i had um so i had like the mean guys and then i've had the guys who were just like it's pulling teeth to have a conversation with and it's so funny it's always those guys that it's pulling teeth to have a conversation with that ask you on a second date and you're like were we on the same date like were we and I wonder I

bet you it's the same for reverse meaning like if a guy feels like he's pulling teeth on a date maybe the girl thinks that it went well you know what i mean right interesting i want by the way back to the farmer the guy who called you a farmer do you think there might have been he might have been doing a quote-unquote neg where he's like tease the girl try to make her feel insecure it's possible but i don't think negging works in any negging came from a place of i feel like it was created from a place of insecurity just like this person's doing so well they think they're so cool so let's like knock them down a peg and see if it works negging only worked once for me in college but again i was in college so that's probably. It worked on you or you did it?

No, it worked on me. Someone did it to me. Do you remember what it was? What he said? A guy came up to me who I later ended up dating and he said, your legs are so hairy. That's definitely an insult. That's not a nag at all. It's just an insult. And by the way, he had no idea if they were or not. He was just saying that. And my legs were hairy. I don't really shave my legs, but I'm not like a hairy person. It's like peach fuzz. But I was like, what? How do you know? But normally does not work. I hate it when guys steal my lines because I invented your legs are hairy.

It's really annoying. I get no credit for that. I got to start copywriting my best. No, I don't like negs. You totally nailed it. Negs come from this place of, well, she must be above me. So I got to find a way to bring her down to my level, which even if it worked, it's like gross, but it's coming from such a bad place of,

hey, why don't you just lift yourself up and make yourself as most authentically, vulnerably awesome as you can be and see if you guys genuinely connect. That's way more effective. Totally, way more. Okay, a couple more dating questions for you. Actually, I went to your website the other day and i saw one tip like on the home page so it must be an important tip a little piece of wisdom

that read if you're confused they're not interested yep uh can you elaborate on what that means so what that means is that if and this is more um like towards women dating men it's like if you're but still for men too if you're confused about how they feel about you like they're hot and cold or you're still trying to figure out screenshot the conversation send it to friends do you think they like me you know like waiting on their every last word to try to figure out like it's like it's like that meme with like the math problem on the board like do they like me um they don't because you wouldn't be confused if somebody did like you if somebody if somebody showed up consistently made plans with you mess messaged you, you know, every day when you're dating and whatnot.

That's what that really means. And that like would have saved me so much time when dating in my 20s if I knew that. Okay. All right. So there's a little bit of a tough love there. It's like, hey, if you're confused, the truth is they're not interested. They're not that into you. Right. Like if you're asking a friend, if you're like, oh, maybe he, you know, maybe he turned his phone off for the weekend. No. Yeah. Okay. Well, again, as a formerly single eligible woman, what are some signs that a woman either

is or isn't interested in a guy so he can get clarity on whether she's probably into it or probably not. Yeah. I think I will say that it's harder, especially if it's a woman who follows women at accidents dating rules, because we don't necessarily put all of our cards on the table right away. But if a woman answers your texts in like a timely manner, If she's continuing to get excited when you suggest going out on dates and she kisses you and, you know, smiles and laughs at your jokes and likes to banter with you and enjoys like talking every day and you have like kind of these inside jokes, like those are all signs that a woman is interested in you um i think that with women we are more clear when we're not interested than men um we will usually send like what i call like an anti

ghost text which is like you know it's been great getting to know you i didn't feel a connection blah blah okay um i feel and i could be wrong but most of the women that i know aren't big on like the leading guys on for no reason type of thing um and like we're human just like we would feel bad if we were taken on multiple nice dinner dates and still weren't interested we'd probably cut it off after a while so i think that if a woman's interested she's continuing to go out with you there's kissing maybe a little bit more as we get to know each other um texting and if a woman's not interested in you, then she's not responding to your messages. She's, you know, continuing to reschedule, prioritize other things.

But what can be complicated from a man's perspective is like, if you are the kind of guy who's not planning these dates ahead, who's sending that like last minute text perspective is like, if you are the kind of guy who's not planning these dates ahead, who's sending that like last minute text that's like, oh, like, are you free now? And then you're like, but she's not going out with me. Then that's on you. Then she would be interested in you if you like got your shit together. Yeah. For me, and tell me if you agree or not, tell my clients is she talking to you is she responsive

is there some good energy or there's some emojis going both ways and maybe she can't meet up with you right away but if she's still responsive and there's a good vibe she might just be a really popular busy person who is open to it so i say say, don't give up, be persistent, but, but empathetic and stay charming, as charming as you can. I dated a woman a couple of years ago and I even send this text exchange to my clients. It's about six weeks of texting from she and she and myself matching to our first date. I must have asked her four or five times asked her out and every time she couldn't go, but she had a good reason and she was still responsive and she was, it was, it was the, the tennis ball was going back and forth.

So I stayed persistent and we did end up meeting up and going out. But if she had just gone totally quiet, then I would have just been a creepy stalker if I'd have kept asking her out. Right. Totally. And I love that you did that and that you stayed with it. And I think that's the one double standard that that's one of the double standards that men can get away with is that persistency. And like if if I were coaching women, I would be like, you you know if he's interested he's gonna want to go out with you but for women i think a lot of the time we hear these stories of like oh i wasn't like oh it's like you know still had feelings for my ex or i was doing dealing with this but like he kept texting me and like showing that he was interested in me and then like it aligned and worked out. You don't often hear that the other way around.

Right. Okay. So let's switch to the topic of vulnerability and dating. I feel one of the things I really like about your podcast is how real and vulnerable you and your guests are. You have an episode. I know that was, it was a tongue in cheek title, but you had an episode that really caught my eye that read it's titled so I almost got divorced two weeks ago and you didn't really get divorced but it was still a real vulnerable thing to write and to talk about

on your podcast this fight you had with your your husband and I thought what what what's your view on how vulnerable and real to be on dates those those first few dates, those first few weeks of texting and getting to know somebody? Can you be too vulnerable and can you be too walled off and not vulnerable enough? What are your thoughts on just the topic of vulnerability and dating? Vulnerability is crucial when dating. I think that it's definitely a dance in terms of like when you start to be vulnerable. I would say like dates one to three, you like do like a tiny dive into vulnerability. And then after the third date is when you get a little bit deeper.

And but you could sprinkle it in here and that here and there like for example I think that it's really great to talk about your past relationships on the first few dates not not like extensively but more so just like why did what like how come your last relationship ended what did you like take away from it what's your blind spot when it comes to dating that like you're trying to be better at in in relationships i think that just that curiosity is crucial and that curiosity creates vulnerability um so that kind of vulnerability is good i think if you have like a family trauma i which we all do i would probably save that for like the four or, or after. Um, but again, like going back to the sprinkling, like if you're in therapy and you think that that's a big part of

your life and has shaped you, then talk about that in dates one, two, three. I think that that's like, that shows like the power in vulnerability. If you're to you know talk about that stuff in a positive way but just don't bring the energy down with your vulnerability right yes because a woman might view that well if a man was if a man was opened up about something vulnerable but the energy diminished how how might a woman take that or how might that hurt the date i think that everybody when they're dating is looking for somebody to bring lightness and like good energy into their lives and levity and when we kind of dump our shit onto the date it's can be indicative of like how that relationship is going

to go like oh this person's going to be complaining or this person's going to bring me down and so it's not like don't be yourself if you have that part of you that's that's okay but it's more like lead with your good foot or the best foot forward and so like for example with the therapy um thing like i might bring it up to say or like if i were a guy bring it up to say like therapy has been so amazing for me made me realize like that my career wasn't the best for me now i'm in this great career as opposed to being like therapy made me realize that like I really struggled as a kid and like I'm and like dating has been really hard for me like it's just it's like you want to just bring that positivity into the date because people are expecting to leave in a good mood from a date not

like being brought down right and my dog died last week and my boss was mean to me and I'm behind on my rant. So can I see you again next week? It's not going to happen. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with.

He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't, so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. Yeah, one of the quotes from my book that I've dropped every now and then is,

on a date, be an open book, not an open wound. Vulnerable, authentic, which is my whole thing. You can be anything. Anything can be too much of that thing or delivered with the wrong energy. I remember on my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess, I remember somehow the topic of past relationships came up and I talked about, I told a story,

two or three minute story about my nine week marriage and how I felt rejected by all women. And it set me off on this path. And it sounds, the topic might not sound like that textbook dating topic, but it was really through the lens of look how I learned so much from it. I've grown, My ex and I are fine. And it's not going to bring the date down. As long as, to your point, you're not, the energy doesn't. It's not about negativity. It's about, oh, hey, this was tough for me. But man, I'm glad I went through it because now I'm a better person.

Like, that's a good frame. Exactly. Yeah, focusing on the lesson, focusing on the takeaway is amazing. And then what I think is cool about that, not in a manipulative way, but just in a way of human connection is, is just kind of letting this person showing, not telling this person, but showing this person that, Hey, that's who I was then. And look at this awesome guy you see before you now, not me, Connell. I mean, whoever's listening to this. Uh, Yeah, I made mistakes. I'm

human. I'm flawed, but I've learned from them. And here I am. We're all just trying to do our best. And I think that kind of vulnerability can be very attractive compared to the guy who's like trying to use cool lines and nagging and acting all cool and bored. And that just never worked for me. Plus, it just felt gross. Exactly. Yeah, no, I think that's great. And like vulnerability shows maturity and shows that like you are ready to find that connection. You had a great conversation with Jordana Abraham

about vulnerability on your podcast a while back. And she said something, she had this great quote that I wanted to ask you about. She said, she was talking about, you were talking about flirting or just about romantic connection versus not, versus disconnecting.

And she said, I'm paraphrasing now, I think she said, logic is the opposite of romance. And I believe you were talking about relationships, but when she said that, I thought, oh my gosh, so many men go out on first dates and they speak very logically about facts, figures. This is my IT job. These here are some dates and information. And the conversation might flow, quote unquote, but there's not like the romance, the fun, the emotion tied to it. Again, as a formerly single woman, what's your take on the idea of being too logical and informational versus

more romantic, more, you know, emotionally connected in the way you communicate on a date? I think most men lean towards too logical. And I forgot where I was when I learned this, but I remember I was in some sort of like WeWork seminar a long time ago. And we were being taught about listening and how men listen and how women listen. And it was like men usually listen to fix the problem, whereas men, sorry, whereas women listen to like be empathetic towards the problem and like hear you and right you know commiserate or whatnot and that kind of relates to dating it's like men lean towards like what makes sense of this? And women tend to lean towards like, what am I feeling about this? And I think that both men and women need to take a page from the other person's book. And so men, I think need to stop being as logical when it comes to dating. And I actually just had a

situation like this. I do like this this ask me anything on Fridays on my Instagram and someone had asked me how Steven how my husband knew I was the one and when and I asked him to answer for me I was like send me like a little blur so logical in his first answer that I was like cringing from it. I was like, you need to try again, right? His first answer was, I wouldn't say it hit me in a single moment. It was more of a series of moments together over a period of time with each stage of our relationship my affection for you grew to a place where I loved you an insane amount and I knew I found a partner with whom I could squeeze the most out of life maybe it was a weird combination of adoration and optimism that was something I hadn't felt

slash how I knew I was like listen that is so sweet. But there is like, no, that's so robotic. I was like, there's no like emotion in there. Try again. Try again, honey. And he did it again. And he said, this is so much better, but I'm curious what you think. He said, I was just crazy about you. You were everything I wanted in a partner. There were were ups and downs but the highs were insane and always worth it i wanted to experience that as long as i could like how much better is that when he leaned into his emotions versus like typing out some sort of first we moved in together then i felt it was the next step you know what i mean right it had more feeling had more soul totally and i tell men look you don't need to worry about the information, the logic. There'll be plenty of facts and figures in what you say. Try to tap in more into that more

soulful expression. Yes. And there's little quick tips to do that. You can just start sentences. These are what my coaches taught me 10 plus years ago. cause I'm so analytical. I will go down the deepest analytical logical rabbit hole with you if you want, but I know that's just not going to help my dating life or my love life. Right. So just things like starting off sentences by saying, I feel, here's how I feel about that. Uh, or playing as an improv game I love called love hate, where you have to really love things or really hate things. And it, it's helped a lot of my clients just say, Oh my God, I love that you're into Coldplay. I love that you went to Harvard. How'd that feel when you went to Harvard? What you, your favorite movie is,

I don't know, um, uh, Casablanca. I hate that movie is at least you're injecting some emotion you're creating some energy that can create some kind of polarity as opposed to two people talking about logical things which is the opposite of romance as Jordana said which I really liked totally um I can't let you go without talking about texting I hear so the guy listening to this is like what do I text? What's the what's the secret? What do women want from texting? Yeah, what do you got got any tips, any guidelines, do's and don'ts about how to text in that courtship dating phase of getting to know somebody? Well, I think that you need if you if you intend to continue seeing someone and ultimately date them you need to be

texting consistently you need to text at least once a day um and you need to be as the man in the situation initiating most of those texts and if like you shouldn't be afraid to do that if you're getting a good response every time. It's very much like just setting the pace for the relationship and you're courting this person. And so you should be sending those texts. You should, by this, you know, whatever stage you're dating, you should have like good banter with one another, inside jokes. You should not ask for nudes i think that's a given okay don't send any unsolicited pictures um but being you know switching up the conversation

sending like different things like a meme or a funny tiktok or you know asking her about her day following up when she says she has a big presentation the next day how did the presentation or asking her about her day, following up when she says she has a big presentation the next day. How did the presentation go? Thoughtful texts that really show that you care and make her smile and make her day, but not too much like,

good morning, beautiful. Good night, angel. It doesn't need to be so like that as much as it's just like bringing that fun conversation into her just when you just when you said that i got chills yeah did the hair on your hairy legs stand up when you oh yeah it's standing hey hey angel oh i once had a client by the way this is years ago he's now a proud dad with his new partner. And I like to think that I helped that baby come into the world.

But after one date with a woman, he sent me this long poem he was going to send her. Like a love poem. No. About the two of them in a boat on a pond and leaves. And I was like, do not send that message sir never never it's so funny I because it's never a good idea to send like some long-winded paragraph to anyone you're seeing ever it's just never a good idea like you save that stuff for in person always and that's another texting tip it's like keep it fun keep it light like if you have to call them

out for something or if you want to have like a will you be my girlfriend conversation or I like you type of thing like do it in person always in person yeah and when in doubt do something in person if you can if you can definitely uh okay so I have a little game I want to play so one of my favorite things to do in dating was have a couple fun games on a little game I want to play. So one of my favorite things to do in dating was have a couple of fun games on a date. And I've been doing this on the pod. So because you're obviously a woman and dating expert, I thought we would play a little game called what women want and what women don't want, since you can obviously speak for women, I think pretty damn well. So I'm going to name, I'm going to name a dating category.

And if you would just share with us, Oh, here's what women want. Here's what they don't want. Cool. Is that cool? Yeah. Love it. Okay. Topic number one or category one is first date topics. What do women want to talk about? What do they not want to talk about? They want to talk about who you are and who you were and who you plan to be in the future. Ooh, that's great. They don't want to talk about why your ex is a bitch and how much money your car costs. Why? I think I know the answer.

And like drugs that you do. Oh, shoot. No wonder I had so much trouble back then. Actually, back to an earlier topic, first date horror stories. A woman I was on a first date with, I asked her that question, what's your worst first date ever?

She said, well, a guy once had his cocaine dealer who showed up on the date and gave him a delivery. I've heard that story like happen to someone else. Maybe it's the same guy. You must be out there. Okay. I loved your answer there because you said, tell her not just who you were and are, but also who you are becoming who

you're going to be can you elaborate on that because that was really interesting yeah i think it's like the modern answer to like the where do you see yourself in five years like you should have a grip on that and be able to share that comfortably like what your plans are in the next five years without somebody straight up asking what is your plan in the next five years without somebody straight up asking, what is your plan in the next five years? Got it. Because ambition, a vision, a goal, that's attractive, right? So attractive. Right. As opposed to, well, I don't know, who knows what will happen. I don't know. I hate being a lawyer. Okay. Next category is, let's say, when a man approaches a woman at a bar, what do women want?

What do women not want? Women want something funny. Women always want to laugh. So leading with something that's going to make her laugh is so crucial. And women don't want the hey beautiful hey sexy like it's just it's too it sounds like sleazy even if that's not your intention you know so open with something funny do you have any memories any examples anecdotes from even just

a simple like how does it feel to be the most like the most beautiful person here like that's funnier than hey beautiful nice like i or like i feel bad for all these other girls because you're here you know yeah what should we do about it one of the uh funniest approaches i ever did i was at a club in Vegas years ago. And I saw this woman who I ended up becoming and entering a relationship. And all these guys were hitting on her with the whole, hey, you're hot, you're gorgeous, you're what have you. And I, I've been taking improv classes. So I was learning the art of just being a silly character. And I unbuttoned my black button down halfway down. And I just opened up my shirt. And I walked over to her and I unbuttoned my black button down halfway down and I just opened up my shirt and I

walked over to her and I said hello and I adopted like a fake latin lover accent and I said hello I am Armando and a skinny pale ginger like me saying that it was just so dumb that she found it really funny and she she called me armando for the whole weekend it was yeah that's really funny yeah i think leading with humor and playfulness is is better than being all sexy always lean into the silly yeah good example one more um one more category uh a man's dating app profile from the woman's perspective. What do women want to see that might make them want to swipe right? And what do they not want to see? Women want to see like one tiny tidbit of vulnerability. vulnerability if that's like I'm in therapy or um like kind of making something about your life

into a funny prompt um and women don't want to see gym selfies um selfies in general yeah and like pictures of you holding up fish what is it about that men just think that like if they show a picture of them having caught a fish then they're like i'm a man so you can trust that I'm a man now because I can catch a fish. And now you can swipe right. Right. The working title for my book was It's Not You, It's the Halibut You're Holding. And it ended up being a throwaway line

in an online dating chapter. Yeah, I don't know. I i guess i yeah that's why men do it because they want to show oh i'm a provider look what i did i can bring home instead of the bacon i can bring home the mackerel exactly and by the way going back to what you women do want to see again always humor always humor like if i'm cracking up from your dating app profile i'm saying yes no matter what you look like okay do you remember any lines or or just themes that made you laugh in the past things there was a line once recently it was very simple um i saw on a guy's dating profile that i was helping a girl with um and it said believe it it or not, I, which is like a hinge prompt,

said, believe it or not, I took an Uber recently that was less than $50. And it was just like a funny little. And then there was another guy who recently had something. He said, all I ask is that you was the prompt. And he said, support Ben and Jen like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez and I just thought it was silly like I like when guys aren't afraid to lean into like a pop culture reference nice yeah I like pop culture references I remember I kind of fell a little bit in love once with a woman's profile on a dating app. I'd

never even met her. I just love, I, we just matched and I, it just, I instantly wanted to meet her or at least go on a date with her and see what happened. She, she wrote something like, I'm looking for a man on the street, but a dad bod in the sheets. And I think that's an allusion to a rap song, Jay-Z. I don't know. I think it's a rap song, but it was just a funny little rhyme and it just made my soul smile. That's great.

I love that. All right. Let's wrap up with, usually I ask a guest for what we call the three game changing dating tips, but let's make it four today. Since your Instagram, you give a lot of fours. I love that. I love that personalization. Yes. Let's make it very Lindsay personalized for game changing dating tips for the, the man who's listening to this.

Uh, anything you want, anything, fire away. Yes. Okay, number one is follow the rules, meaning We Met at Acme has a set of rules for men to follow and for women to follow. Without getting too into them, I would say just like pay for the date if you ask her on the date, you know. Be a gentleman gentleman open doors uh you don't ask to go up or

invite her over after the first date um you know all of those kinds of things follow those rules get her flowers and i would say number two always have the next date set up women hate when we're in this sort of limbo where we're like, when are we going to see them again? And like, are we just going to be, you know, pen pals now? Or are they going to ask me out on that other next date, right? Even if they're not free for a week, I still want to have that next date planned. Number three is initiate all of the things, all of the things, and don't be afraid to initiate the, I love you, initiate the, let's move in together and initiate the, will you

be my wife? If that comes up, you know, initiate all the things don't make her feel like she has to corner you to have these conversations. Um, and number four, which I didn't know we were going to have a number four, give me a second. Um, number four, I would say, um, don't be afraid to be persistent, which we talked about a little bit, but don't be afraid to be persistent because we're all going to get rejected in life and it's like if you don't ask you won't get and so you never know what's going on in a person's life be persistent if you really really especially for men i feel like men just are luckier in this instance where like they can get away with it so yeah get away with

it be persistent and until you're creeping in on stalker territory just be persistent it's okay as long as she's responsive yeah and or if she says hey thanks but no thanks i'm not interested obviously move on the guy who's listening to this he's very afraid of being seen as creepy or coming across as some kind of weirdo, which is it's coming from a beautiful place of not wanting to be a jerk. Right. But your message seems to be, hey, it's OK to be a man who's going after what he wants with persistence as long as there's empathy, as long as you noticing how she feels and then oh yeah play it as it comes right and and i have to tell you for

the persistent guy um when you stop being persistent she'll miss that yeah she will i know she will because my friend missed it and now they're married with two kids. Nice. Nice. Yeah. I've had a years ago, but I had a date from many moons ago who I asked her out a couple of times and, and she finally said, okay, yeah, I'm free on Friday. Dot, dot, dot. I just wanted to see how persistent you are. Happy face, winky face. So yeah, persistence. I say, I like to say persistence combined with empathy, with noticing how she's feeling. And either way, so you're never going to be a creep as long as you're noticing how you're making a woman feel and you adjust accordingly.

Totally. Be persistent and self-aware. That's a really good place to end the advice portion of today. Let's finish by you telling us a little bit about some live shows and events you have coming up in the end of September or in September and also November. Tell us about We Met at Acme events, please. Thank you. So we do these live events, some of which are mixers in New York City where, you know, men and women living in New York could meet each other which are really fun and we do these live shows as well we have one in LA SF and Austin so if you're in any of those places and all of that can be found on our website we met at acne.com fantastic I tried to stump you

Lindsay couldn't do it you had an answer for everything. I'm going to retire the hairy leg pickup line that I started. I honestly dare someone to try it. I would just love to hear how that goes. Thank you so much for coming on today. It was a blast. And I hope to have you back sometime down the road and see you at one of your events. Would love to and would love that. Thank you so much. All right.

Peace out. Later, guys.