How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - LIVE COACHING! How Connell’s client went from fearful to confidently approaching women…and getting dates!

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

Pop quiz! Do you want to confidently approach and date beautiful women? (OK, that was adumb question—sort of like, “Do gingers have souls?” Of course they don’t!)But chances are, fear keeps you from breaking the ice with women you’d love to meet… and it’scrushing your confidence and costing you dates. Let’s fix this!You’re about to listen to an actual coaching session, in which (soulless ginger) dating coachConnell Barrett helps his client overcome his fear of approaching women.Xavier, 31, was struggling with “approach anxiety.” He couldn’t even say hello to attractivestrangers, let alone flirt or ask women out. “I feel paralyzed with fear,” Xavier told Connell.After this session with Connell, Xavier’s fear of approaching vanished, and he’s been confidentlymeeting (and dating) some incredible women.In this special live-coaching episode, you’ll hear the session that transformed Xavier’s datinglife. You’re about to learn…✔ The secret to unstoppable confidence when you approach women✔ The “magic words” women love to hear when you meet them stores, parks, or the gym✔ How to approach with charm and at bars, and get HER flirting with YOU✔ The biggest mistake men make when approaching, and what to do insteadConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationBook Your Free Call Today and grab a time that works for youClick this link:https://datingtransformation.com/contact/Get the number 1 Amazing Bestselling book “Dating Sucks, But You Don’t”Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3GXQuotesThe main cause of approach anxiety is fearing that a woman is going to, quote unquote reject you. And then you are going to perceive that as you are not attractive and not worthy of women. - ConnellTo establish a connection with a woman, express your genuine interest and attraction, and then suggest taking her on a date to capitalize on the momentum of the interaction. - ConnellChapters00:00:00 Introduction00:03:00 Online dating experience00:07:53 Top 3 tips for online dating00:17:53 Book a call with Coach Connell00:19:27 Getting a live coaching relationship with Xavier00:24:42 Introducing Xavier and his background00:28:02 Xavier’s approach anxiety moments00:36:08 The Direct and Indirect way of approaching00:39:38 Approaching a woman after getting a coaching from Coach Connell00:43:16 The Day approach versus The night approach00:58:04 Get “Dating Sucks But You Don’t” today on Amazon00:59:35 More dating tips about daytime approach versus nighttime approach01:08:30 Having fun or going to meet women at night?01:12:51 Planning your logistics when meeting women01:22:42 Approaching group of women in difficult settings01:27:23 ConclusionProduced by Heartcast Mediahttp://www.heartcastmedia.com

Yeah, I mean looks are overrated when it comes to success with women and dating. It's it's kind of like good looks or good Looks are sort of like a jacuzzi Nice to have but way overrated Welcome to the dating transformation podcast. Here's your host, Dating Coach, Conal Barrett. All right, we are back. The Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Dating Coach, Conal Barrett. I am like the real life hitch. If Will Smith was a skinny ginger guy with glasses, basically what I do is I help men, especially introverted guys, learn to flirt, gain confidence, and find incredible girlfriends and do it, do it all with authenticity.

This is about being your best, most authentic self, not about being some sketchy pickup artist. That's my sketchy pickup artist voice. And stick around because by the time you're done listening to this podcast, you're going to get two or three really great takeaways. You're going to learn all about how to confidently chat up women, especially in the daytime, but also at night. And you're going to get some of my best tips, but not delivered in the normal way. You're actually going to be able to listen in on an actual coaching call that I did

with my client, Xavier. Xavier is a guy who came to me struggling with confidence, could not approach, didn't know how to talk to women. He was just dateless and lonely and really struggling. And I'm happy to say that he's now in the process of going on dates with multiple awesome women. He's playing the field a little bit, as you might say. And he's having some really great wins and growth. And he's very close to getting a girlfriend. He's been seeing a couple different women and I think it's just a matter of time. So today we're going to talk about different challenges and problems he has faced as he has gone out to meet women. He's mainly dating in real life. He likes to meet women in real life situations and so we're going to hear all about Xavier's problems and how he

overcame them and how he is now just so confident and really making girls into him. And he's doing it all as his real self. He's being 100% Xavier. It's all about authenticity. So since the main coaching part of this podcast today is going to be a coaching session with Xavier looking at approaching. Let's talk about online dating because a lot of guys, man, I would say that if you're like most guys, you're probably listening to this podcast because if you were to grab your phone and open up Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, whatever app you're on, you're probably struggling with a lack of matches, right? You're not getting a good number of matches. And the few good matches you might be getting are probably women you're not that attracted to or just not a good fit for you, right? And I'll bet that it bums you out

when you click the little icon on your phone and you start swiping and you just swipe and you swipe and you swipe and you just get carpal tunnel from swiping but not getting matches. And that can be a real bummer because if you don't get matches on the apps, you probably feel like you just don't have that many other options. And that can take you

down a rabbit hole of feeling like, oh, what's wrong with me? I guess I'm not attractive. I'm too short. I'm not the right ethnicity. A lot of guys feel like, oh man, I'm not the right ethnicity a lot of guys feel like oh man I'm not six foot three I'm not some guy with six pack abs I'm not really handsome I can't succeed on dating apps and then they give up on dating apps so they give up on dating in general and then oh man a scarcity of online options can really cause some problems in fact fact, here's a quick story. And I'm going to give you about three quick tips to help you get those matches and dates in just a minute. But here's a quick story. And I write about this in my book.

But years ago, when I was first getting into learning about women and dating, at first I struggled on the apps. I really struggled because I just didn't know how to navigate them. And I remember I was in such a place of scarcity. I live in New York City and was living in New York City at the time, but I had so few options in New York City that the one good quality match I had with a woman named Vanessa who lived out in San Francisco. The one woman I was excited about, she was in California. Literally, I could not find a single good match for me in New York City. Just women were not swiping right on me.

And so that scarcity of options creates a problem. And for me, what I did is I said, oh, I'm going to go out and meet Vanessa. And I decided to do what they do in movies, rom-coms. I jumped on a plane and I flew out to San Francisco to surprise her. I bought roses. I showed up. I literally showed up at her doorstep and I left roses and I left a Victoria's Secret box of lingerie for her to surprise her. She did not know I was coming. We'd only had an online, online conversations. Um, but we had exchanged a couple of cards and letters. So I had her address. So anyway, I show up in San Francisco. Now that I look back on this, I feel like, I feel like I felt like I feel like

such a creeper. But basically that I showed up in SF and delivered the Victoria's Secret, the flowers that I went back to the I oh, and I rented a hotel suite. I rented a hotel suite because I assumed that I was going to connect with Vanessa in person. She was going to text me back, get home to find the flowers and lingerie. And then she was going to say, where are you staying, you handsome ginger man? I'll come right over to you and we'll make sweet, sweet love. And none of those things happened. I waited, I waited, I waited. And she totally ghosted me. Vanessa totally ghosted me. And deservedly so. Deservedly so. Because basically, I was

incredibly desperate and lonely at that time. And I just hadn't figured out how to crack the code of online dating. And that lack of matches, lack of options is what made me get on a plane and go to San Francisco. Here I am living in the biggest city in the US, and I couldn't get one good date, one good match here. So I had to fly across the country and come across like a total needy stalker type. So that was very painful for me at the time. But it actually put me on a path toward figuring out, hey, what does work? How do you get matches? How do you get success on the dating apps? So I'm gonna give you my three best,

quickest online dating tips so that you can stop, so that you can go from swiping without matches and struggling and just basically having tumbleweeds on your online dating app to start getting some matches. Four, five, six, ten good matches a week is a great number to shoot for. Once I cracked this code, I was getting, man, 20 to 30 good matches every week. And then from there, I was going on a couple dates a week. And online dating is how I met my girlfriend Jessamyn. I have an incredible girlfriend named

Jess. Jessamyn's her name. And I met her from a lot of good options, but she was the one I really clicked and connected with. So anyway, here are my top three, in no particular order, online dating tips. And then we'll get to the client call with Xavier. So online dating tip number one, the most important thing you want to do on your profile is you need at least one really good portrait, a really good portrait of you well-ressed, from about the waist up, taken with natural light, not indoor studio shot, and you want to be smiling. Basically, here's a good question to ask yourself. If GQ magazine said, we want to put you on the cover of GQ, what would you wear and what would that photo look like? And go out. So go out and

get a really good portrait taken, where you're giving that authentic smile, you're well dressed. And that is the most important piece of real estate on your profile. Most guys who are not getting matches on Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, etc., it's because your photos suck. So I have a book called Dating Sucks But You Don't. The way my book was named is my literary agent, I have a line in the book about how I'm talking with a client who I was trying to help with his online dating. And I said to him, Larry, it's not that you suck as a guy. It's that your profile sucks. That's why you're struggling. You don't suck. Your profile does. Just trying to give him some tough love. And

that's how my book was named Dating Sucks, But You Don't. So if you're struggling with online dating, which you probably are, if you're listening to this, don't worry. You don't suck. You're a great guy. I have no doubt you're a great, attractive guy with a lot to offer. It's that your profile sucks. And if your profile sucks, it's probably because you're lacking a good portrait. So the most important thing you need on your profile is a really good portrait of you looking at the camera, smiling, authentically well-dressed, good lighting in a natural setting. A great place to take these photos is a park, sitting on a park bench, or you could be out, you know, you could be in a coffee shop with some light coming in through the window. You want it to be flattering lighting. There's

something about indoor shots or studio. Do not take a studio shot. Do not take a studio portrait. It'll come across looking like a LinkedIn photo. You don't want to look like a LinkedIn profile. You want it to look like an online dating profile. That's number one. The second thing is another photo tip, because let's be honest, good photos, the right photos are about probably 75% of your success on a dating app. Second kind of photo you want on your profile is an action slash candid photo of you in real life doing something, ideally doing something active or masculine. I don't know what that's going to be for you. Every guy's a little bit different, but you want to be doing something active. On my online dating profile, my action shot

is me playing tennis. I'm a big tennis fan. It's also very authentic. I'm a tennis nut. I love tennis. So there's a shot of me hitting a forehand, which is the most masculine, powerful shot I have in tennis. And there's a really good photo of me hitting a forehand on the tennis court that my tennis coach took. And I look athletic, as athletic as I can look. And it just shows me out in the world doing something athletic. Other examples of this, it could be maybe you ran a marathon. How about a shot of you crossing the finish line of the marathon? Or a masculine shot, kind of a quote, manly shot could be you're at a cool, don't smoke cigars. I was going to say

go to a cigar bar. Don't do that. You can go to a whiskey bar or go to like a cool, dark paneled bar. And you're holding your whiskey glass just looking like a man, you know, enjoying his off time. I've had guys and we want the action shot to be genuine, to be authentic, right? We don't want to create something that's not the real you, but ask yourself, what's an activity? What's an action I do that can show me out in the real world? Maybe it's you playing Frisbee with your dog on the beach. Or I've had clients who are into, I had one client who was into axe throwing competitions. That was a great shot. He's throwing an axe.

That looks really manly. It's good to have some kind of action slash masculine photo on your profile because at the end of the day, women online, they're looking to find a man who's got some kind of good positive masculine energy. Don't have to be a fake person. You don't have to be puffing up your chest and being all quote alpha male. Just find that action shot, all right? So those are the two most important photos you're going to want on your profile there are others as well and all of this i talk about in my book but those are the

two most important photos then the third tip i'm going to give you for online dating is it's going to be what to write and in terms of what write, really what this comes down to is making sure your personality comes out in a high value, fun way. And the best way to do that is, especially if it's an app like Bumble or Tinder, is where you're able to write a bio. You want that first line of your bio to be a hook. A hook is something that hooks a woman's attention because she wants to keep reading. It can be funny. It can be unusual.

It can be silly. And here's what I mean by a hook. It's sort of like the first line of a news article you read. That first line has to be interesting or you won't keep reading. The opening scene of a movie has to be interesting. It has to grab you or a TV show or you're going to watch something else. It's the same with your online dating profile, especially on Bumble or Tinder where you have that box, the bio box. So here are some examples of hooks. A hook might be, well, my hook with online dating was and still is.

I'm still doing online dating in the sense of testing things. My hook is simply I'm a dating coach for men, just like the movie Hitch. And women are really interested in that. So I'm playing up what makes me unusual and unique. Obviously, you don't have a job as a dating coach. But what if you have a really cool, unique job, you could lead with that, right? I have a client who's a Hollywood agent, literally a Hollywood agent. So he leads with, I'm a Hollywood agent, just like on Entourage, dot, dot, dot, except I'm not nearly as much

of a douchebag as that guy. So there's a little bit of personality in there too. Other examples of hooks are think about it from the frame of what's in it for her. Why is she reading your profile? Remember, every single word you write on your profile, it should be for her. It's not for you. It's about you, it should be for her. It's not for you. It's about you, but it's for her. So a really good hook could be, here's one I had success with, a different one for me.

The hook could be something like, warning, all capped, warning, my karaoke voice will make you swoon. That worked really well for me because I'm conveying to women one of my interests, but I'm conveying it in a way that I hope will appeal to a woman who likes karaoke, who might want to go on a karaoke date with me. And, but I'm making it about, I'm talking to her, right? So a great way to do your hook is talk directly to that woman who's reading your profile. And another way to do the hook, I have a date, I have a dating coach friend who had a really good hook. His hook. Oh, no. Yeah, here it is. My buddy, Brian, Brian Pippard, who's a guest on the show. He had a great hook on his Bumble profile. It was his hook was, I live with my best friend and my girlfriend, dot, dot, dot, and they're both cats.

Right? Clever. He's, he's doing a 180 making the women think that he's coming across like a jerk. Yeah, I live with my girlfriend and my best friend, but then they're both cats. So it turns a, it turns, it's an unexpected twist that makes women go, aw, he's got two cats. And plus he's got photos of his two cats too. And that adds the effectiveness of it. So it just makes women want to keep reading. So come up with a good hook. And again, I've got tips on how to write a great hook in my book, which is out there for you. So those are my three, those are the three fastest ways to go from no matches to good matches. Okay, let's take a little break. And when we come back, we're going to talk to Xavier, my client Xavier, and talk about how he has gone from struggling

with approach anxiety and getting in his head to approaching women, getting dates, and just feeling a lot more confident. Stand by. I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract

their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call

today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. All right. Welcome back to the next episode of the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Conal Barrett, a dating coach for men. I help guys gain confidence, learn to flirt, and get great girlfriends. And today I have a very special guest. Coming up in a couple minutes, we're going to be talking to a client of mine who came to me because he was struggling with approach anxiety. He was not stepping up to those beautiful, attractive women he wanted to talk to out in the world, at the gym, at the bars, out on the streets, wherever he was. And a great guy named Xavier is going to be here. We're going to chat with him in just two minutes. So stand by.

You're going to get some really good tips on how to confidently approach women. And of course, do it with authenticity. Do it as the real best you. And I thought I would lead into that by telling you a quick story. I want to tell you about the moment I remember, the moment I decided I had to fix my approach anxiety. It was in the late double zeros, the late aughts, and I was at a Starbucks in New York City. And I had never approached an attractive woman in my life. I'd wanted to hundreds of times, but I'd never done it.

And I see this really cute brunette sitting in the middle of Starbucks. She's wearing a denim miniskirt. She was on her phone. She looked like, this is going to age me here, but she looked like Katie Holmes, who at the time was my big crush. And I remember thinking, okay, this is it. I'm finally going to do it. I'm finally going to go approach her. And I get up from my seat. I walk over and then I make a U-turn and

I go back and sit right down. And then about a minute later, I say, okay, now I'm all psyched up. Now I'm going to go talk to that girl. Oh my God, she's so cute. She's so my type. Imagine a date with her. Imagine connecting with her, kissing her. I'm going to go do it. And I walked over and I got two feet away from her. And then I kind of just like circled her table. She was sitting by herself. And I kind of circled for about a minute. And it was almost like, and I talk about this in my book, it was almost like I had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder. The angel was saying, oh, go talk to her. You're a great guy. She might like you.

Go say hi. She probably loves talking to cool, handsome-ish, witty men. And then the devil was saying, Connell, you're too nerdy. You're not good looking enough. You don't know what to say. And the big thing was that little devil said, oh, what if other people here see you talk to her and you get shot down? And I remember I went back to my seat again, and I was trying to summon the courage. I had this devil, this angel fighting me on my shoulders. Finally, the devil stabbed the angel with a pitchfork and killed the angel, and there was blood everywhere, and I didn't talk to her.

And I get up, or I see her get up and she walks out into the Manhattan afternoon on a Sunday afternoon. And I said to myself, damn it, Connell, there's another woman you'll never meet, never date, never get a chance with. Why can't you do this? And that was actually the day I went and got on the phone or I got on the internet and started searching for my very first dating coach. And that was a big moment for me. So if you've ever really wanted to approach a really cute, attractive woman but haven't done it, today we're going to talk about the things that keep you from doing it, the internal

forces, the thoughts, the doubts, the fears. And also we're going to talk about some solid, simple, practical techniques and moves so that you can chat up that really pretty girl at Starbucks or talk to the girl in your gym who you've been noticing, but you tell yourself, well, maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow. So to help us do that, I'd like to introduce a very special guest. This is a special episode of the podcast because this is a straight-up coaching call. Please say hello to my amazing client, Xavier. Say hello, Xavier.

Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for being here. Xavier is a guy in his early 30s. He came to me several weeks back because he said, hey, I really want to approach women. I want to gain more confidence. I know I have a lot to offer, but gosh, I see all these beautiful women, what I call wow girls, and I almost never talk to them. So Xavier and I have been doing some amazing work together. I should say he's been doing some amazing work. I've been talking to him on the phone and helping him. So yeah, Xavier, why don't you first just tell us a little bit about yourself, whatever you'd like to say, and also share with us your history,

or lack thereof, of approaching women before you and I first began to work? Yeah, certainly. So I, you know, I struggled a lot to have a connection with women, I would say that it was difficult for me to escalate flirtation and escalate sort of the physical escalation that I wanted with women, it was it was kind of easy for me to like, do some informal sort of bantering but it never felt like I could really click and move on to the next step of like We're on this day and now we're holding hands and now we're kissing and I was always going through a lot of challenges Just in general with women, you know, I didn't go I wasn't going on a lot of dates I Had a lot of anxiety approaching women you know pretty much everywhere

i was maybe in the last year i approached like one woman and it was just by chance it was really more of a coincidence than it was like an intentful purpose of me going to approach this woman um so yeah so basically i i just said enough is enough. I need to make changes in my life. You know, I'm in my mid 30s, like early 30s now. And I wanted and I want to get over this and like, you know, be be a better man, be more confident, just be like the best version of myself. And I thought, I can't just make this a secondary thing. I want this to be a priority in my life. And that's where I decided that I wanted help because I feel like, you know, you can only get so far by yourself. But when you have a coach, when you have a mentor, somebody who kind of steers you in the right way or kind of helps you climb the mountain, if you will, it just makes it so much faster and you get more results faster and you like you kind of push yourself harder so there's like a lot of different things at play that and i'm like now in my you know fourth fifth week here working with con i've been doing um i've been starting to see the results which is really why I joined this program, right? Really why I joined you.

And so, yeah, it was a challenge for me for a long time. And like, I now I'm starting to feel like I have more confidence in myself, more confidence in approaching the women that I want. Of course, there's still a lot of fear inside. And every single time I'm, you know, starting another day, like another day of cold approaching or going up to women. It's not easy, but I've made that commitment to myself. And this was something that I decided that I was going to prioritize in my life. And that's what I've been doing. And yeah.

No, you've been doing great. Let's talk about the things that had been holding you back. Because the big bad wolf here are the self-doubtful thoughts. And as I recall, when you and I first spoke, I said, hey, how many wow girls have you approached? You said, oh, maybe one out of 100. And we talked about what happens inside. And as I recall, you were feeling like, oh, you know, I'm not six foot three. I'm a more average height guy. I'm not the most charismatic guy in the world. Or at least that's what you told yourself. Maybe it was I don't know what to say. What were the internal doubts that you that we sort of uncovered were creating that resistance for you?

The anxiety? You know, I just thought I wasn wasn't enough like i thought that i wasn't cool enough i thought that i just didn't know what to say that whatever i would say just wouldn't be funny or just wouldn't be what women would like um in the case of anyone who's even an inch taller than me i just thought oh they're a little taller than me they're not going to be into interested in me because of my height height was probably a pretty big limiting belief for me. Because I'm, you know, I'm a pretty relatively short guy. And I would say those were probably the biggest ones for me. And just thinking that, that like, I just wasn't enough, even though like, I and I always try to be like, in great shape and do all these things. But there was just like I and I always try to be like in great shape and do all

these things but there was just like and I it was hard for me to even identify at times what that was and I think just going through those first two modules with you I was like you know what like why what is really wrong like there's nothing wrong with me like why am I so hypercritical of like everything that I'm doing you know so yeah uh one more horror story from your past and then we'll talk about some of the successes and breakthroughs you've had what's your version of the gorgeous Starbucks girl you wanted to approve I wanted to approach when you think back to before you and I ever spoke when would you see women or do you remember any specific girl who you said oh my god I would love to go talk to her, but I just can't?

Yeah, there's a really great example. So just a couple of weeks before I started working with you, I went with my brother and a friend to a beach for vacation. And we went to a bar one night, the very first night we got there. And I just finished driving like five hours to go down to the beach and I was pretty exhausted and you know we decided we got some cocktails there and we were just hanging out and there was a group of three beautiful women like standing by the bar one of them was this really gorgeous Latina really curvy just she was like a wow a 10 and me and my friend and my brother were just constantly like looking over looking over and checking her out and all three of us

were just terrified like we didn't want to do it i kind of wanted to do it but i was like making up excuses like oh i'm too tired right now i don't look my best right now I don't know what I'm gonna say oh they look like they're having more fun than we are so why am I gonna go and take their fun away I was just making all these excuses to not approach and obviously I did it and that's when I was like dang and I was kicking myself in the butt for not doing it. But yeah, that was, I would say that was the most recent one. That was like one that I, even to this day, I still look back and I'm like, dang, why wouldn't I approach this girl like when I could have done it? Hey, we've all been there. We've all been there. So and we're going to get to some,

some straight up practical how to tips coming up in just a few minutes here. But first, I want to talk about a really big internal shift and tip that you have already made, I believe, or are in the process of making, which is the main cause of approach anxiety. It's not, I don't know what to say. It's not, I don't have the cool lines. The main cause of approach anxiety is fearing that a woman is going to quote unquote reject you, and then you are going to perceive that as you are not attractive and not worthy of women. And then what our brains do is our brains say, oh, and if I approach her and she rejects me, that means I'm not good enough for a beautiful, cool, attractive woman. So then I'll have to either settle and be alone or end up marrying my inflatable woman. And if your inflatable woman then rejects you then you're

totally fucked man you have no hope so basically our brains do this crazy internal gymnastics where we say because think about it if i if i were to tell you to walk up to that beautiful woman this is before we even work together walk up up to her and ask her for the time. Probably could do that pretty easily, right? Because there's no stakes. But you're still a man walking up to a beautiful woman and talking. However, as soon as we create this story of high stakes in our minds, it's, oh my God, if I walk over to her, I'm going to find out I'm not good enough and I'll be alone and die lonely or settle. All of a sudden, that's where the approach anxiety comes from. That's what I was actually feeling and fearing at that Starbucks. The very first night I ever went out to approach

women, which was actually just a couple months later after that Starbucks meltdown. Before I went out on this rooftop bar to approach women, I had to go into the men's room stall and I had dry heaves. I had a panic attack that manifested in the form of dry heaves, even though I hadn't had a drop of alcohol. And what that was is that I now realize that was my mindset, my psychology basically saying, oh my God, Connell, you're about to find out if women like you and whether or not you're a man and you'll find love. It's like, so our brains turn approaching into judgment day as opposed to what it actually is, which is you're a, so you're a worthy man. You're an attractive, worthy guy. And once we get in touch with that worthiness, that sense of here's what I have to offer, then you can walk up to a woman and it's closer to,

hey, let me just go walk over to her and ask her the time. Or let me go chat and see if there's a fun vibe. But she doesn't have the power. Nobody has the power to make me feel insignificant and unworthy. Have you felt a shift inside of you where you say, Hey, I'm the shit. I'm Xavier. I'm a good looking guy. I'm not six five, but I'm also, but I'm intelligent. I'm funny. I'm articulate. Have you, have you gotten in touch with that sense of worthiness to help you feel like, Hey, I'm in any women's league within. Yeah, that's a really good question. So, you know, when i first started it was sort of hard for me to believe it because i didn't have a lot of experiences to support this belief

that i am this amazing guy or that women are into me and i think it was through creating some of those experiences by even if it was a failure or it was a modest success but not like a great success even if it was just a small victory it was like it added to the bucket or to the list of things that I can be proud of and that in itself started to create the right belief system that I needed to like be more confident to not be so scared of approaching women. Because honestly, I think one thing that I've, that I've learned is that women really do love to get, you know, to have a nice guy just walk up to them and start talking to them. Like women are typically pretty receptive to it. And they're not going to like kick you in the nuts unless you say something extremely offensive, which obviously you're not going to do, right? You just want to have a nice conversation with them. So I think just by starting to create those beliefs by going out

and taking action is really what has helped me overcome some of those limiting beliefs that I used to have. Nice. Excellent. I can almost hear our listener saying, but what do I say? Right. What do I say? What do I say? In other words, what do I say when I approach?

And the good news is what you say, and I'm going to give you something to say, to always say right now, and then we're going to talk about some of your progress, Xavier. But what do you say? Here's what you say. You can always approach in one of two ways. You can always approach in this indirect way or this direct way. If you want to be direct and vulnerable, say this. And this is simple. It's not always easy, but it's very simple. You walk up to this woman and you say, hi, I'm, fill in your name. Hi, I'm Xavier. And I just saw you and I wanted to meet you. And then just let her take that in. And she'll either give it a big thumbs up or a thumb sideways

or a thumbs down. And it's okay. But if you just lead with vulnerability, genuineness, authenticity, hi, I'm Connell. I saw you and you seem like you might be my type. I wanted to say hi. That is so much better than some fancy backflip pickup artist, neg this, tease that, douche move, twist with a twist and a cherry on top. Just walk up, be simple and clear. So just walk up. If you can summon that courage to be vulnerable, just walk up and say, oh, hey, I just saw you and want to meet you. That kind of vulnerability and courage and confidence, or at least courage, is very attractive to women. You can also go the other route here, which is indirect.

Here's what you can say in an indirect way. Notice something about this woman that you appreciate, other than the obvious, besides her curves. Notice something about her clothing, her energy, her demeanor, article of clothing is great, or a tattoo is great, and give her a sincere, specific compliment about that thing. So for example, you're at Starbucks. You look to your left. And by the way, this podcast is not brought to you by Starbucks. I'll accept their payment, but I'm not being paid to say their name today. Let's say you're wherever. You're at a coffee shop. You're at the gym. You look next to you and there's that woman who you've been noticing off and on. And you notice that she's got a really

cool tattoo on her right forearm. You can just say, hey, excuse me, miss. I just want to say I really like your tattoo because, and then tell her why, right? I really like the colors. I really like the design. It's a really cool piece of art. And then as a bonus to that, you can say, why did you choose that tattoo? So that's an indirect approach. Indirect meaning you're not making some kind of big romantic sexual thing. You're just paying her a compliment. And indirect is a really good way to approach women anywhere because there's nothing to quote unquote reject. So when you ask yourself, what do I say? Either say, hi, I want to meet you.

I'm, and then tell her your name or say, excuse me, miss. I really like that leather jacket. I really love your style. I really love your choice of workout shoes here at the gym, whatever it might be. Just notice what you notice besides her looks and then let those chips fall. Okay. Back to Xavier's story. Okay. Let's talk about approaching. Let's talk about some of the actions you've been taking in working with me. Tell me about, I don't know, do you remember the first girl you approached in this course or the first moment of that either went awful or went great or both?

Yeah, yeah, I actually do. And so, you know, one of the things that i committed to myself when i signed up to work with you and i i really i think the money you know putting down the money and putting my mouth where the line is and saying listen like this is something i'm going to invest in and if i don't think if i had like put my money down and like really took this to heart i wouldn't have been so committed to approaching because it was like dang like, like I put up, you know, I, I invested in this. I want to get good at this now. And so I remember it was very, very soon after I started working with you, I said, you know what, I'm going to start making a list. I'm going to approach. I think I started with like two women a week. Like when I very, when I

first started, because I hadn't approached ever. Right. So I was terrified to do it. Right. And so the very first woman I approached was at the gym and I remember that I even recorded this one and I sent it to you because I was and I was like you know what like I have no idea what I'm doing I have no idea what I'm saying I have no idea if anything is right and you could just hear the the the tremble in my voice like I was I was terrified to approach this woman because i was like i was like so scared because i hadn't i hadn't really done it and she was gorgeous by the way she was probably like an 8.5 or a 9 in my scale petite asian wearing a skirt in the gym like a pink skirt like she was really cute and i and i just went up for it and i just said

hi i just thought you were cute and she gave me the the boyfriend excuse and she's like oh i had a boyfriend and the conversation probably lasted like 10 seconds but that was in itself a huge victory to me because like how many guys approach a woman at the gym or women in general, right? So probably so many guys are checking her out thinking like, oh, wow, she's gorgeous. But how many of them actually went up and like owned it and like went up and like said, you know what, I would like to see if you're my type. None except for me, which I think that makes me feel more masculine. It makes me feel like I'm a man, like I'm doing my job, like I'm, I'm owning my desire for beautiful women. Like I'm, I'm okay with that, you know?

Amazing. And that day, I think I even said this to you when we were talking back and forth, that you, you joined a very exclusive club when you started to do that. The percentage of single straight men who can approach a woman in the daytime without alcohol, because some guys can approach at night with some liquid courage, maybe 6%, 7%, 10% of men. Daytime sober gym approach, 1% or 2% of men, I would argue, do that with any kind of regularity of single straight men. So that's something that once you start going out and taking action, you want to give yourself a big pat on the back and say, damn, how many people can do that? You're doing what is for so many men the hardest thing, sober, flirting and chatting with women. And you're doing it from a place of authenticity and genuineness, not reciting some line you read on Reddit or in a creepy pickup artist book.

Anyway, cool. All right. What's another story or a lesson you can share with us today? Tell us about the first time. Actually, didn't you go out recently? Yes. Where you went out for a couple of days, you had a couple of low moments and then a really big high moment. Can you talk about that? Yeah. So this was pretty recent. I pretty much committed to every weekend pretty much going out and trying to approach at least six women on Saturday and six women on Sunday or five and five um that's sort of been my schedule and I

and when I first started I was freaking terrified like I didn't even want to leave the house that's how terrified I was because I knew what I was doing I wasn't like going grocery shopping or I wasn't going to the gym or I wasn't doing something that is like normal that I do every day like my intention my intent for going out was I'm going to talk to beautiful women on the street and that's a terrifying thing to do and so I decided I was going to go to the mall and so i went to this mall that's near my house and i got to the mall i was there and i was terrified like i walked around i was you know just basically i just ended up walking from store to store and beautiful women would pass by me and i was starting to make excuses as to why i couldn't approach them or why i shouldn't she looks busy she's walking away she's got two legs i can't talk to her she's a human

i can't approach her yeah you come up with all these and i literally what ended up happening is i literally found a bench and i sat at the bench for like two hours and I just watched as life went by like I just sat there and observed people watched essentially for like two hours and it was it was a challenge like that day absolutely sucked I remember I messaged you and I was like today sucked but you know I persevered and I decided i'm gonna do it again tomorrow new day fresh start let's start again let's see where let's let's try to change it up so instead of going to the mall which i didn't have really great success i decided i would go to the park because people are typically more stationary at the park you'll find that they'll find a bench or they'll be reading a book somewhere like on a picnic like uh carpet or something like that so i decided you know what

i'm gonna go to the park and i uh you know i started picking up some steam i approached one woman didn't go great but i was like okay let's try the next one and I approached the next one and it got a little better and then by the last one of the day I actually approached a woman that looked like she was in a hurry and she was crossing the crosswalk and I was like oh my gosh like I gotta approach this woman she's gorgeous I thought she was like a nine I was like I'm gonna do it screw this I'm going for it I literally jog up and i do a little u-turn and i stop her and i said i have to stop you or else i'm gonna kick myself if i don't talk to you and it ended up being such a great conversation she loved it she even gave me a

hug at the end like she was like thank you so much she actually thanked me and she said that i made her day like i made her day. Like I made her day like so I gave her value. And that was what I was talking about, about creating the beliefs that allow you to be more comfortable with approaching. It's like you have to have those experiences to like, to start believing that yeah, like you you can totally do it. Women are totally open to it. And, and you got her number right get her number yes yeah she was wasn't she the one who was yeah she wasn't in town that much longer okay so it wasn't meant to be for a long-term love affair right but what a great reaction and you

got that you got that result of a woman responding really well to something that you thought used to think, oh my God, this is wrong, weird, or I'm doing something that's going to get, create a bad reaction from women, but you got a really good reaction from her and from many others, right? Yeah, I haven't really got any terrible reactions. The worst I would get is just, the worst I got was a woman literally just like walking away i just thought i was like oh i think you're cute and she just like looked at me like with a weird face and like walked away right i was like okay and that was it and i was like okay that's the worst that could happen right i mean yeah so that's as bad as it's pretty much as bad as it gets. And it's not even that bad. Back to kind of weaving my story from years ago with your current story. So I'm out first woman I ever approached. She's really pretty

standing in a crowded rooftop bar, uh, in Midtown Manhattan and July night in 2009. And I palm sweaty heart racing. I walked up to her. She had a cat white cowboy hat on. And I walked up and I said something very standard. Hey, how's your night? Hi, I'm Connell. Something like that. And I guess I was kind of ready to flinch thinking, oh my God, I'm finally doing it. How's it going to go? And she didn't dislike me. She didn't like me. She was buzzed. She's kind of drunk. I remember her being kind of like, oh, hey, what's up, Connell? Hi. And she wasn't even making eye contact. She's looking around, but she was pleasant enough. She was just a cute, drunk girl at a bar on a

Friday night. And the conversation lasted a couple minutes, maybe at most. And she finally just sort of floated away. All right, well, bye. I'm going to find my friends. And I remember standing there thinking, wait, that's what I've been afraid of all these years? That she's just, we're going to chat and talk. It'll go how it goes. And then she might not want to date me. And I realized, oh my gosh, there was nothing to fear. I spent 38 years, well, 18 years as an adult, but I was 38 years old before I ever, quote unquote, cold approached a woman. And I'd wanted to do it a decade earlier. And I talked to the cute cowboy hat girl and realized, that wasn't so bad. That wasn't even rejection.

We were just two people talking at a bar and then she walked away. And then that gave me momentum. And have you felt that, Xavier, where you go out for a day and you say, I'm going to do my four or five today. And that first one or two, maybe it's a little choppy. Maybe you're in your head, but you feel after a couple of interactions, you get some momentum, get some confidence going, get that what I call in my book, what I call that higher self kind of activated. Can you talk a little bit about that? Yeah. I would say that it definitely gets a little bit easier once you've done your first or your second for the day but even i mean even where i'm at now i'm definitely by no means an expert and i even by the last one that i'm doing of the day i still have

the nerves and the jitters and i'm still scared but i but i i'm able to overcome that i'm able to say you know what or just ignore it just put it to the side and just say, I'm going to go for this. And so like that day that I was just describing, there was actually this blonde woman who was probably like three or four inches taller than me. And my lower self, you know, before I even started with you, there's no way I would have even approached this woman because I would have just said she's too tall. She's not going to be into me. And I just said, you know what? Screw this too tall she's not going to be into me and I just said you know what screw this right I'm gonna go for it and I approached her um ended up not working out but you know at the very least I was able to have the confidence to start the conversation to get to know her to see if that's somebody that I would potentially like to date and it's just made me more open minded to, you know, to who could be

possibly be interested in me, because you never really know. And you shouldn't just limit yourself and what you can, you know, potentially attract. Hell, yeah. And the thing about height, a big myth that men feel is that, oh, I'm not tall enough for that woman because I'm shorter than her or shorter than what I think she's going to want to be with. And don't get me wrong. Height is something that many women do value. But the good news is most women, it's not that they need a guy who's six feet minimum or taller.

Most women, if they have a rule about height, it's usually, oh, I want a guy who's at least not shorter than me. But even women who have a, they tell you they have a hard and fast rule, like, oh, I only date guys of a certain height. Really what, the whole thing about height, what height does for women is it gives them a sense of femininity, smallness, soft, feminine. They feel like the small, demure gender. And women generally like to feel that way. They want to be with a quote, big, strong man. And if you're not tall, fair enough. There's other ways to convey that kind of strength that can make a woman feel that way. You can hit the gym, get into really good shape. I got a client who's 5'7", 5'8".

He's a taekwondo master, and he's just having an amazing time out there because he knows how to convey that sense of strength and masculinity, even though he's not going to do it by towering over a woman. He's going to do it with sort of just being a really fit man who makes his date feel protected. We do it with flirting, right? Being man to woman, man to woman communication, making a woman feel sexy, special, attractive that way, even if you're not super tall. And so, yeah, just know that height is kind of like looks.

If you're really good looking, male model-esque, or if you're really tall and fit, these are absolutely nice bonuses to have. But they're kind of like jacuzzis. They're nice to have, but they're overrated. What is underrated is courage to step up and approach a woman and show her that you have that kind of self-confidence. And of course, just conveying that authentic self through this lens of being man to woman and flirting with women and making good things happen that way. So for the rest of our conversation, Xavier, let's just, let's do some coaching here.

What questions do you have about approaching women? Any question, open forum, fire away. Yeah, definitely. what questions do you have about approaching women? Any question, open forum, fire away. Yeah, definitely. So I've done a lot of approaching in the day, but I have not done any approaching whatsoever in the night. And so I would like to know, are women typically more receptive at night than they are in the day? What is different if you think about logistics?

Because typically at night when you go to a bar or a club, women are not by themselves. They're with a group of other women. So what do you do to be successful at approaching at night that differs from approaching at day at night the energy level is going to be a little bit higher because people are more loose they're drinking for the most part and there's also a certain social expectation that we're here all in the same venue and within reason you have more quote unquote social permission to talk to people. If people didn't want to meet other people, they would stay home and drink, but they're going out to do it. So in that sense, it's easier typically for a guy to

say, all right, cool. I'm here. I am at the bar. Let me go talk to some attractive women because it's socially acceptable. And also, women who have boyfriends or who are in relationships, generally they're not going to be out on the town with a bunch of their single girlfriends. They're going to be out with their husbands, boyfriends, whomever.

Obviously, I'm painting with a broad brush here. But main differences at night is it's going to be a bit higher energy and you're going to feel women are going to be more expectant that you'll be approaching. At the same time, the downside of that is other men are going to have had their liquid courage and women are going to be approached a lot more often at night. When I was learning this and working with my coaches back in the day, I did both. I wanted to learn both. I wanted to not feel encumbered in any kind of social setting.

But I gravitated toward the daytime just because I'm a very conversational person. I like to hear myself talk and think in a loud bar. Sometimes it's harder to communicate with the woman. So I always gravitated a little bit more toward daytime interactions. Plus living in New York City, I would just be walking around New York City and see really interesting, attractive, intriguing women. As many as I might see at a club at night, I would see them in the park or at a bookstore. So I thought, why do I even need to go out and pay $14 for a beer when I can just walk up to women here? But at nighttime, basically, it's higher energy. And there's also these walls of

layers you have to get through in order to really click with a girl. You know, to your point, she's going to be with her friends. Usually daytime, a woman's not out with her friends at night. Women are rarely out by themselves. And also men are, might be in the group. Other guys are trying to approach your women at night or a woman you're attracted to whereas during the daytime that's almost never going to happen so those are the main differences would you say that your cool unquote game is different between night and day the things that you might say could they be different depending on um just because it's like higher energy, do you have to, um, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to.

There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always

know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. You can definitely let yourself go a little bit, sometimes a lot more at night. Again, and there are moments and times in the daytime when I've been in that same free, really fun, higher self state in the daytime. But as humans, we're always kind of pinging and looking around our social environment. And we want to behave in a way that makes social sense in that environment. So yeah, at a club at one o'clock on a Saturday, people might jump on a

couch and start dancing. Probably not going to do that atm. on the park bench in the park. Not impossible, but that's going to stand out a lot more. So to answer your question, this is always through the lens of, hey, I'm going to take courageous, authentic action as me. At night, you're probably going to find yourself amplifying that and dialing it up a bit more but it's still coming from that lens of authentic man to woman and and then see how the night unfolds daytime you know you're sitting in the the the what we know you're shopping in the grocery store you're not going to walk up and

do some really fun goofy silly like i'll walk up to a woman at night when i get in that fun zone and i might i might do like a give me a give me like a i'm doing a low five move like give me a low five on the back side or high five as an open uh you can even walk up to a woman when you get in the right zone at night you could walk up and and you could um open with like a high five and give her a fun little spin or or or it's 1 a.m and everybody's been out for the weekend and you see a woman you just say hey you are really gorgeous i had to meet you you're sexy who are you i probably wouldn't say that at whole foods at 1 p.m on a sunday i might but it'd probably be a bit more it would be it would still be that man to woman intent but it wouldn't be quite as intense in the daytime so do you actually this brings up a really

interesting point so when you're at a bar or you're at a club you're kind of in a confined space right so the woman is not going to leave or go or know, it's not outside where she could go to a different store or something like that. You're typically all in that same space. And, you know, you actually described once that you were with a client and you guys were like touching nipples and like having a really great time. And then there was a woman that was like watching you guys and they eventually came up but i think that's pretty unconventional typically the guy would have to go to the women i don't think women would approach men if they look like they're having a good time let me let me let me clarify the whole touching touching story no no no sorry this is all totally true, but context matters. It was not bare skin.

Can I say for the record that I do not usually touch nipples with most of my clients? Yes. Yeah. The he too movement will come after me if I touch nipples with any more of my male clients. No. So here's the backstory. I was out with my client, my client James about four or five years ago. And we were at a rooftop bar. Again, I guess I like rooftop bars. And one of the things you want to do, here's a tip. When you go out at night to meet women, first things first, don't worry about meeting women. First, be having fun with the people you're with, the person you're with. If it's a wingman, have a fucking blast with him.

So James and I, first, before we break the ice with women, we want to break the ice with ourselves. So, yes, nipples were involved, but our shirts were on, and I think we were doing like, it was like a chest bump type thing. I don't know how it came organically in the moment. I don't do it every time. We were just like bumping chest and being goofy, fun idiots. And, and when you're having your own fun, then sometimes what will happen is other people will notice it like women and they'll want in, or they'll want, they'll come over and say, Hey, what's going on over here? And that night, my client and I were having a, uh, we've been out two nights in a row. We're having a blast. We did this chest bumping thing. I probably said something like, Oh yes, let's wonder twin powers activate. Our nipples might touch, but we were just laughing our ass

off and women are going to be attracted to people And women are going to be attracted to, people in general are going to be attracted to, whoever is having the most fun in a social environment, who's enjoying themselves. So first, take care of yourself. Get your emotions in a good place. Be having fun with whoever you're with. And then a great way to approach women at night is bring women into your party, basically. So James and I were doing our chest bump, and then I saw this really beautiful woman in a red dress.

She looked like maybe a woman of Latin ancestry, just beautiful. And she's with a handsome guy. And I just assumed they were a couple. But we're not targeting women to approach like pickup artists. We're just having fun being social, bringing people into the party at night, and then seeing who might be a single available woman and then letting things go from there. So Sophia and this other guy join our little club like, hey, we're bumping chess. What's up? Check out our

nipples. I don't know what we said. And they're laughing. We start talking. And then here's a great tip for going out at night. Then I said something to her. Whenever you meet a woman out at night, here's a great question to ask. And it's because every woman's going to be with somebody usually. Hey, how do you know each other? It's a really powerful, simple question to ask any woman you approach at night. Because you want to know, hey, are you with your girlfriends? Are you with your mom? Are you with your roommate? It just gives you a sense of the logistics. And so I assumed they were a couple, but I didn't know for sure. So I said, hey, how do you two know each other? And Sophia said, oh, that's my brother. And I was like, yes. And so my client, James, talked to Sophia. I was talking

with the brother, great guy, a veteran. We were talking about his service in Iraq, had a great conversation, but that was so my client could talk to Sophia. And about 15 minutes, 10 or 15 minutes pass of me talking to the brother, and I look over the back of his shoulder. His back is to James and Sophia, and I hear her say, oh, yes, they're real. Do you want to feel them? And she takes her hands and places them on her chest,

and I'm thinking, I have the coolest, weirdest job in the world um so the moral of that story I think there's a couple takeaways here one don't go out and walk into the place and start immediately feeling like I have to approach a woman because that's where the value is first you have to have your own fun on your own terms and bring women into your fun vibe. That's going to be way more. My old coach used to describe it. It's like be on the football team and the cheerleaders are all going to be fans of all the guys on the football team. It's like you're like the fun, cool guys having fun and women you meet over the course of the night are going to be your cheerleaders. They're going to want to get in

on your fun. And then also always ask when you meet a woman out at night, so who are you here with slash how do you know each other? Because, hey, maybe that's her boyfriend or husband, but maybe it's her brother. Or maybe it's just a friend. Or maybe she's not available, but she's with her really cool, cute single roommate who's about to come join her. So those are two good takeaways for nighttime approaching strategies. Great questions. So yeah, I'm trying to like think about the intent of going out for the night because like I know for myself and probably for other people out there that maybe they're not really so much night people or they don't love

to go out at night or maybe they don't have anyone else to go out at night with so they have to go out at night by themselves and in this situation this happens to me all the time you know obviously i go out at night because oh i want to go approach women right because i want to meet beautiful women but if you go with that mindset maybe you're like so fixated on meeting these women and if you don't then you get disappointed or you get frustrated but it sounds like to me what you're saying is go out at night with the intent of having fun but if you go out with the intent of having fun then you're not really doing your objective of meeting women so how do you how can you kind of like reconcile that you're you're going out to have fun but also to meet women meet women? And how are you successful at

doing that? Well, with a little practice, you have to learn to walk and chew gum at the same time and say, okay, you know what? First, we're going to go out and just get over the butterflies of being out socializing with people. And that might take a couple nights out or a couple weekends out. But once you get comfortable being out in the social setting, you want to have a two-pronged approach here. You want to say, hey, tonight I'm going to socialize with people, gravitating toward women, but not to the exclusion of everyone else. You don't want to be some weird, creepy, assassin target hunter. Where are the hotties? Where are the hotties?

Don't talk to me. You're not a hot girl. It's like, no. Be a high value, fun, social guy. And get yourself in a nice, solid state by following the five steps that I talk about in my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And we can't go into all those right now.

But the first step is you just go out and you socialize and you begin to let those good emotions arise have fun knowing that oh wait a minute the way I'm going to click and connect with a really cool woman the best way is to be having a good time be bringing some good emotions to the table because think about it it's Friday night. It's Saturday night. This woman just spent her whole week in her head dealing with logical problems. Her boss is a jerk. Guys are catcalling her on the street.

Her dog is sick. And she wants to just have fun and enjoy. She's open to dating and meeting a cool guy to date and go on a date with or sometimes even hook up with if all the stars align and that's what you both want. But first, her first goal is I just want to have fun. Cindy Lopper was right. Girls just want to have fun.

So we want to have fun too just because it's a win-win. The woman you meet has fun. You're having more fun by the way if you're not having a good time if you get to the royal you i'm not saying you do this xavier but if you get too focused on approach women for results you get so outcome dependent that you really beat yourself up if you go out and don't have a good night in terms of results. We want to guarantee every night is going to be fun, enjoyable, a good time in the ways we can control. That assures you'll go out

more often. And then the more often you go out, the more people you meet and the more your chances are of having some really fun adventures, romance, successes, failures, but you're enjoying the process, which is really important. Yeah, I would actually like to talk about one thing that happened. Actually, this was years ago. And I just but I just think that this is a good example of some of the situations that can happen at nighttime and logistics. And that's why i'm bringing this up so a couple of years ago i was at this party and it was it was funny because i i was with i invited a friend to come and she brought her friend because she didn't want to come by herself and i was actually connecting more with the friend than with the one that i initially asked out to come out with me that night

and so we were like out and we were dancing and i was dancing with this one girl i ended up kissed with a friend and i kissed a friend and like a little bit and so i on the cheek on the neck a little bit and we were getting a little bit physical and then she actually wanted to come home with me and she's like how are you going she's like, how are you going to come home tonight? How are you going to get home? She's like, oh, I'll probably just get a cab and like go home. And so all three of us at the end of the night, we get into the cab. And so we go to drop the two women off first. And the woman was a little confused because she wanted to come home with me.

But the other woman was like, wait, like come out. Like, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, fuck. Like, what or shoot like what do i what do i do you know so i i didn't plan the logistics out well and i think that can happen a lot when you're out and there's a group of women and what is what is your take how do you make sure that you can be successful when you are like with a group of women and one of them is is super into you, you want to bring her back, or you want to connect with her more, separately or individually, how do you make sure that happens? So such an important question, especially at night,

when there's lots of people out, right? There's lots of dynamics. So you approach, there's a group of women, presumably more than one anyway, and you say, how do you know each other? Who are you here with? You get the logistics. And you get logistics also like, hey, what are you guys doing later? You want to know, do they have plans later to go to some club? Are they going to dinner later? Or you just want to know how free the woman who you've clicked with, you want to get a sense for how free and open is her night. And you can just straight up ask her.

You can just say, what are you up to later? What are you guys doing later? And she'll tell you. And then you can take an action from there. I guess to take a step back, at any given moment when you're out, you want to ask yourself, what is my ideal outcome with this woman I'm talking to?

What do I want? And there's all kinds of different answers depending on where you are and what the situation is. So the ideal outcome might be, oh, I want to leave this venue with her and go somewhere else where we can be alone, maybe get a drink, basically go on a date, essentially, an instant date. So you just need to know the dynamics. So then once you understand the social dynamics here, then you can take the right action. And if necessary, get her on your team to help you. In other words, the friend who you were kissing, you might have said, Oh, hey, by the way, we should totally go somewhere else after this party. and make sure we meet up for, you know, a one-on-one date. Or maybe go back to your place or her place.

Who knows? I don't know what was on the table there that night. But as a man, it's your job, my job, our job to say, all right, what do I want? And how can I get her or other people to help me kind of make that happen now with this situation you told me about was the friend a girl you had potential interest in her the other one i mean or in her and you or was just just a friend situation there were there was also interest as well yeah all right yeah it was a little complicated that's a little okay so that's a little trickier so probably what i would have advised had i been

a bug in your ear at the time is say to yourself hey what do i want and you wanted xyz girl who you're right right and have a little chat with her and say, hey, you know what? I'd love to see you later. Obviously, we all came together. So what we could do is we could drop off Jane, whoever she is, and then, or I can drop both of you off. But then later, we should totally, later tonight, we should meet up at XYZ spot for a drink.

Are you down? Are you on the A team? What do you think? Let's make this happen. And women respond to that resourcefulness and she might say all right it sounds great let's do it because you're actually being respectful for the girl who might have interest in you but you're more into the friend got it you you're you're a nice man you don't want to make the other woman feel bad about

herself but you also still want to get together with the girl who you're clicking with. So does that make sense? It does make sense. It does make sense. It sounds like there's a little bit of, you just have to kind of plan logistically of where you want to go, how you're going to do it. Really think clearly about your goals. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And introduce, and you can just be, again, I always come back to just transparency, honesty. Say to her, hey, you know what? I don't want this night to end. I'd really want us to get together later.

Why don't we hang out after we drop off your friend? I don't want to, like, she might kind of maybe have a little issue with this. So we want to be respectful of her. So and kind of like get it get on the same page right um this happened to me years and years ago with a girl who became my girlfriend um not my current girlfriend but back in the day and it was it was me it was her roommate and there was some kind of a mixed company we met met at a nice lounge here in New York City. And we both knew we just wanted to spend the night together.

We just knew it. We were both on the same page. It was a Saturday night. So we just kind of talked about it and said, well, I'm going to put XYZ in an Uber. And then we're going to go to this one other spot. And then, yeah, let's hang out just the two of us. So we just talked about it. You can be very transparent about it and that showing her that you're thinking about it and that

you want this very attractive to women it's okay to say hey you know what i want i would love to end up tonight just hanging out with you let's make this happen let's let's talk and then she'll be like damn this guy's going for what he wants maybe Maybe you'll get it. Maybe you won't, but it'll be damn attractive and a great way to go after it. So I come back to something one of my first coaches said to me. He said, on any given night, assert your ideal outcome to the best of your ability, you know, with empathy, obviously, with respect for the situation, but assert your ideal outcome. And if you get it, fantastic. If fantastic if you don't hey you swung for the fences and that's something to be proud of and i'll just wrap it up with one last quick question

so when you when you um go out at night do you typically always have like like logistic planning of like okay if i do happen to meet a girl here here's where i may end up taking her or like do you do you have like some favorite spots that you always or have pre-planned in case of something coming up or do you always just like do it on the spot impromptu like let me check my phone oh there's a pizza place that's open how do you do that great question yeah it's a great tip to end on when you go out approaching day or night ideally if this is if your schedule allows and you want to make it so it does if you can you want an instant date you don't want phone numbers phone numbers are second or third best ideally you want an instant date with this woman who you just met,

whether it's at night, at the cool club and bar, or it's daytime at the gym or in the park. The best way to make a good connection happen with a woman is to be able to say, oh, wow, here we are, talking, liking each other, getting along. You're being authentic. You're being man to woman. You're creating some nice sparks.

And then you want to suggest lead her somewhere for a date. So yeah, because that's just going to lead. Strike while the iron's hot, right? A woman is more into you when she first has met you than she will be the next day and two days later, three days later. That's why people flake is we lose that sense of excitement, fun value. So may as well strike while you're both hot for each other. Right? So you basically have a back pocket place in mind. I always like to and I advise my clients to have a place in mind. Just so you don't have to think about it, stress about it. You know,

hey, if I meet a woman at Zed's Bar and Grill, I know that the cool, fun wine bar that's open late is three blocks away. That'll be the place I invite a girl to if we hit it off in a click. And the same with going out in the daytime. An instant date is a lot better to go for than just a phone number because, hey, no time like the present, right? So if you go out in the daytime, it's just good to know your surroundings and either have a back pocket place in mind where you can say, well, gosh, gosh, Becky, damn, I'm so glad I came up to you and chatted with you here at the dog run. Do you and Buster want to go get a smoothie with me? Because I'm hankering for a smoothie or a coffee. Are you more of a smoothie girl or a coffee girl uh and then knowing where you can get both so you and becky

and buster can go on a date so yeah i always liked having a place in mind you don't have to if you can think quickly on your feet and know where to go great but it's good to have a place to basically uh escalate the interaction got it Any final questions about anything approach-wise? I mean, my biggest challenge right now when it comes to approaching is approaching in a group setting and knowing how to deal or handle the women that you're not interested in versus

the one that you are interested in. And like, right. I think you kind of talked about this when you said being authentic and like being authentic with the one that you are interested in. But is and but are there any like little tricks or gambits about handling a situation like let's say you're you're you're walking on the street and you see three women and they just came out of this of jc penny and they have some bags in their hands and they're maybe walking to their car and you want to stop them because one of them's really cute like how do you how are you successful and not boring the other two because i think part of it is i get i'm like i'm worried that i'll bore the women that i'm not into and like that'll maybe turn

off the one that i am into because like you know so it's how do you navigate those complex situations when there's more than one player at you know well if you ever see a woman who's been shopping and she's carrying bags you can always say my God, you're the cutest bag lady I've ever seen. You're like way, way better than the other bag ladies I've seen today. A little thing, a fun little line that women like in New York City anyway. But the way you open a group is you open a group almost like as a single entity. Like, hey, ladies. Wow, you guys look like you're out

shopping for the stylish goods today. How's your day going? Kind of open them as one. And then depending on how much time you have, if you only have a couple minutes, then treat it more like a social opening and get any of their numbers. And basically, it's more of a friendly thing where you get a social number close because you don't have time to really be man to woman and find out who you're into. And if you're standing on a street corner for two or three minutes, just not time. So get all their numbers or get like the leader's number and invite them out to come join you and your friends out on the town more as a social circle thing at first. Then when they

come out just to hang out with a cool guy, then you might find out who you really click with. So if you have limited time with a group, treat it more like it's almost like you're a promoter. Not that I look at it that way, but it's like, hey, you should come hang out. My friends and I are going to this cool spot. So you get some nice warm leads that way. If you have more than a few minutes, like let's say it's three women seated on a blanket in the park on a summer warm day, and it's you talking to three women and you have logistics that allow you to talk to them more in depth. Then what you do is notice who you're most attracted to. And you speak with her in a more man to woman, emotionally evocative way, all written about in my book. And the other two, you speak to in a slightly more friendly way.

Not that you're unfriendly with the one you're attracted to, don't get me wrong. But essentially, you're going to flirt a little bit more with the girl you're more attracted to, and be more friendly with the other ones and then even and women love it when you do this you can even turn the other two into your own wing women and say and say i don't know tracy and and peggy i come up with the lamest names um tracy and peggy i'm you know what your friend tiffany here is really awesome i'm kind of want to ask her out but i don't know is she as cool as I think she is or should I run for the hills because she might be an ax murderer? What do you guys think? So now you're charmingly bringing the friends into

the equation to flirt with the girl you're attracted to. So now they're all involved as opposed to ignoring the friends and just talking to the one you're attracted to, which is a surefire way of having them shoot you down or at least not like you as much as they could. So you involve them all, but you're basically man to woman with the woman you're more into. And you're a bit more friendly and even sort of almost bringing them in as a wing woman. So it's like flirting with the girl you like through her friends, which is just fun for everybody. And it feels like you're being pretty bold when you do this. Like you're taking ownership that you're into this one girl

and you're doing it right in front of the friends. Absolutely. The first rule of man-to-woman communication is just clarity. Just making it clear, hey, this is who I am. This is what I'm about. And not having any kind of apology for your intention. And women find that very attractive. It's scary at first.

Don't get me wrong. It's scary. It's very scary at first. But the more you do it, the more your comfort zone expands. And in time, and I guess I'll end with this, with approaching.

A lot of guys say to me, I want to approach with confidence. How do I approach with confidence? And my answer to that is, first, you have to have courage in order to get the confidence because courage is currency that buys you confidence. That first night I ever went out, I had no confidence, but I had a ton of courage. I really did. And you've shown so much courage, Xavier. And that courage is something you can always call on courage. And with enough reps, then that courage begins to transform into confidence. It's sort of, it's an investment. And all of a sudden, you can confidently do it, but you had to earn it through courage. So don't,

don't not approach because you don't feel confident. Use courage, and you'll feel confident. If not with that woman in that moment, I guarantee you more and more with every girl you talk to. Really good point. And I love that you said that. Yeah, yeah. Cool. All right. That's a good one to end on I love that you said that. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. All right. That's a good one to end on. Xavier, thank you so much for being my special guest today. We'll keep chatting, obviously, off mic. We'll keep moving forward.

Keep up the great work. And don't forget that you are every woman who has shown you interest. all these approaches that have gone well, these are not special snowflakes. These women are not one in a million. They're one of a million. There's a lot of women out there who are going to be attracted to a guy like your good self. So keep that in mind. Stay in touch with that authentic value you offer. And we'll keep moving forward.

Sounds good. Thank you for having me, Connell. All right. That's it for this week's episode of the Dating Transformation Podcast. Remember, be authentic. Women already like you as long as they meet the real you.

Till next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media.