How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - LIVE COACHING! How to Get Out of the Friend Zone on Dates and Make Sparks Fly

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

If you’re stuck in the Friend Zone with women, dating coach Connell Barrett has been there. He didn’t just live in the Friend Zone—he owned real estate there.But he learned how to escape. And in this special LIVE COACHING episode with his client, Chris, Connell will give you a practical plan to stop getting “friend zoned” and start igniting sparks with women you’re interested in.That’s right! This episode is the second-best thing to working with a great dating coach, because you get to listen in and use ALL of the tips.If you’re like Chris, you’ve had his struggles: He could get dates, but women kept saying the same thing after a date or two: “You’re a nice guy, but I’m not feeling a connection. But we can be friends.”In this episode, Connell gives Chris—and you—a simple plan that helped Chris go from hearing “Let’s be friends” to “Let’s make out!”These tips transformed his dating life, and they can do the same for you.You’re about to learn…✔ Why you’re getting stuck in friend zone, and how to escape✔ How to harness the power of “man-to-woman communication” to ignite romantic sparks on dates✔ The one-sentence “power compliment” to give your date to keep you out of the friend zone✔ How to never “run out of things to say,” so that you can be flirty, funny and authentic—because women like you for YOU!Connell helped Chris go from the friend zone to fun, flirty dates. And you can fix the friend zone, too! Listen now.For a Free Strategy Call with Connell, to Learn How to Attract Your Dream Relationship:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGet Connell’s Bestselling Dating Guide for men, “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” your step-by-step guide on how to get a girlfriend:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Chapters00:00:00 Introduction00:03:05 The three social contexts00:05:46 The man-to-woman communication00:10:01 Book your free call today with Connell Barrett00:11:42 Coaching Chris00:17:05 Chris’ typical dates00:21:02 The seven essentials of great dates00:33:47 Get the amazing book of Connell, “Dating Sucks, But You Don’t”00:35:12 Continuation in coaching Chris00:37:09 Chris on his man-to-woman communication00:45:49 How to be yourself in dating00:47:58 The four escalators00:46:58 Connell’s tips to Chris01:03:47 Outro

Yeah, the thing about confidence is a lot of guys think, I want confidence, but first they need courage. Basically courage is the currency that buys you confidence. You got to earn that shit. All right, here we go. We're back. Another episode of Dating Transformation, the podcast. Sounds like a movie when I say it

like that. I am your host, Dating Coach, Conal Barrett. I am here to help you gain confidence, learn to flirt, and attract your dream girlfriend, and to do this all while being truly authentic. No pickup artist. BS. And you're going to love this episode. This is the first kind of episode we've done this way. You're going to be able to be a fly on the wall as I do a coaching call, a genuine live in real time coaching call with my client, Chris, not his real name, by the way. And Chris and I, you're going to be able to hear me coach Chris and help him basically make sparks fly, make sparks happen on dates. Because he's been dealing with some friend zone issues. He's having nice, pleasant dates, but women just aren't wanting to see him.

So by the time you're done listening to this, you're going to have all my best tips that I give to Chris. You'll be able to use some of the same concepts on your next date so that you can make sparks fly. Okay. So now to that point, let's make this a theme episode because what I want to do right now in the little four or five minute opening here is to tell you about the closest thing there is to a secret weapon in dating. And look, the bottom line is, I won't bullshit you. Look, I'm a marketer when I'm not being a dating coach. So I'll just be straight with you, though.

There are no magic bullets in this area. No instant quick fixes. No band-aids. I mean, not really. Don't get me wrong there's some really good simple tips that can completely up-level you in a certain area but there's really not quick fixes

but the closest thing there is to a secret weapon the closest thing there is to a quick fix is what's called man-to-woman communication this idea of getting on a channel is what's called man-to-woman communication. This idea of getting on a channel, the same channel as the woman you're talking to, and being able to talk to her as like a man talks to a woman, as opposed to the way a friend talks to a friend.

So I'm gonna give you a quick overview of man-to-woman communication and give you one or two quick examples and there's a lot lot lot more examples in my book but let me just give you a quick a quick lesson and how to be man-to-woman because this is what's gonna help you make sparks fly get out of that friend zone and make some wonderful things happen. So let's think of it like this. If you think of it, there's really only three kinds of social contexts you have other than you with your family, right? I'm excluding your family relatives. Every other

social interaction you have falls into one of three buckets. The first one is what's called, let's call it man to woman. In other words, you, a woman, romance is possible. There's a man to woman context. The second social context is friend to friend. You and your friends. You and people who are either friends or acquaintances maybe moving toward friendship. And then the third social context is business slash professional.

So for example, you talk to your boss, he's giving you your performance review, and that's a business professional context. You're buying jeans, the girl comes over and says, hey, can I help you with those jeans? It's a professional context. Friend to friend,. The girl comes over and says, hey, can I help you with those jeans? It's a professional context. Friend to friend, you're having drinks with your friend, having a couple beers at the end of a long day. That's friend to friend. And then, of course, man to woman is flirting. Basically, think of man to woman as a turbocharged form of flirting. It's you strumming a woman's romantic strings by being flirtatious, by projecting an authentic but masculine energy and letting her feminine side come out. It's a clear man to woman.

I'm sure you've seen a man and a woman on a really good date that's going well. They're all over each other. They're flirting. She's twirling her hair. He's taking up space being a man. That, my friend, is man-to-woman communication. So again, the closest thing there is to a secret weapon or a magic bullet in this world of improving your dating life is switching out of the friend-to-friend frame into the man-to-woman frame.

Think of man-to-woman communication as a lens. And you want this lens to refract your true authentic self in every area of dating. Texting, first dates, approaching, phone dates, basically every conversation you have with a woman, at least a woman you're attracted to, is going to be man to woman. Okay? Here's where you get into trouble. Here's where you can really hurt yourself and not even know it. This is probably the biggest, maybe the biggest mistake guys make without knowing it is they don't even,

they aren't even aware of these contexts. And you go on a date or you approach a woman and instead of being man to woman, instead of being flirtatious, instead of taking risks, you are a lot safer. You're nice, you're friendly, but you're not putting romantic cards on the table. You're not telling her she's sexy. You're not being vulnerable. Maybe you're being very logical and not more emotional slash flirtatious. So the reason if you go on dates or if you talk to women and it goes fine, but they're just not into you or Or they say, hey, I had a good time, but let's just be friends. Or I'm not really feeling the connection. What she's really saying to you, probably, is you got on the friend-to-friend wavelength and I wanted you to get on the

man-to-woman wavelength. So biggest, closest thing I have to a game changer, instant game changer in your dating life, other than being that authentic, radically authentic man, is first just understanding what man to woman communication is. And also learning how to speak to women through that lens. Okay? I'll give you one quick example and then we'll do the coaching call with Chris. I had a client who came to me this guy, Trevor, Trevor, date after date after date, he was told, hey, I'm just not into you. Trevor was being very safe, not taking risks, not teasing his dates, he was just he was kind of just being like, Oh, hey, great. Tell me more about you. Okay, great. Where'd you go to school? Okay, great. Just not being, not letting go and flirting. I coached Trevor up. He has his first date as my client. And he has a first date with this

really awesome woman named Becca, who was a chef or is a chef and really intelligent, really witty, gorgeous, brunette, and just a real 10 out of 10 in all the ways a woman can be a 10 out of 10. She shows up for their date and he's immediately teasing and joking about, I forget what it was, but he's cracking jokes. He's teasing her gently about the fact that she was late. At one point, she's talking about something, and he changes the subject. He's like, you know what? That's great. I'm sure your story about makeup is great, but listen to what happened to me today.

He sort of took control of the date in a good win-win way. He also told her that he found her really cool and he found certain things sexy about her. He busted her balls a little bit. Halfway through the date, Becca crawls on Trevor's lap and sits on his lap and they're making out. And everybody in the bar, Trevor tells me,

is looking at them like, hey dudes, get a room. What the hell? And their second date was a couple's massage that she set up. She said, hey, this should be our second date. Not a bad second date. Trevor is the same guy for and after. The difference is he made that shift to being man to woman. So think of man to woman as the closest thing there is to that secret weapon to making sparks fly. And there's a whole chapter in my book all about how to be man to woman, dozens and dozens of specific techniques and tools if you want to get a whole list of all the different ways to be

man to woman. Anyway, that's in my book, Dating Sucks, but you don't. Speaking of making sparks fly, let's go to Chris. We're going to start with a coaching session. This is a legitimate, authentic, real coaching session. You're going to be eavesdropping on me helping Chris take his dates to the next level and get in that man to woman zone. And let's go to me coaching Chris. Hope you enjoy it. We'll be right back. I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching.

You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your

best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. Hey, Chris, what's going on, man? Happy afternoon.

Hey, yeah. Happy afternoon to you too. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm good. It's a good Friday. Happy to be chatting with you. So yeah, let's get right to it. According to what you told me in sort of a little preliminary conversation, email exchange we had, it sounds like you got a couple things that aren't working in your dating life in the vicinity of friend zone, dates not going the way you want. Tell me a little bit about what's been happening and what's not been working. Yeah. So I'd say there's kind of two things. So I'd say it's, you know, meeting more girls, meeting kind of a higher volume of girls, um, to go on more first dates, um, is

probably part of the problem, but also I'd say just kind of like turning first date, second dates into, you know, three, four, five dates and eventually into a relationship is probably kind of the two big problems I've been having. Okay. Got it. Give me some, give me a little bit of data here. Ballpark numbers are fine. Let's look at the last, I don't know, three months of your life. Ballpark number. How many girls have you met, met up with for one or more dates? Probably maybe three, four. Okay. And out of those three or four, how many of those dates did you feel, oh, she was into me and I was into her. Things were going really well. I'd say first date, pretty much all of them. Okay. And then, so the chokehold here is,

would you say it's date number two, date number three? Sometime right around then. Yeah. Date number two or three. Do a favor if you can tell me a story or an anecdote or just like a specific moment where you were out on that second date or third date and the first one had gone well which it sounds like most of them are but then you felt it just sort of you know you ran out of things to say or maybe you kept the conversation going but you just felt like that spark was diminishing if If you could paint a little bit, a little bit of a picture for me, so I can kind of put myself with you almost like I can, so I can kind of try to see what might be happening. Yeah. So I'd say, um, just trying to think of like one

example here is like, I went on a date with a girl just a couple of years ago now, but, um, went on a couple of dates, um, had a class class together it was going really well um first second date we're hanging out a lot um and then i think like our third date was like a party and could just kind of tell maybe that day it seemed like she was texting me a little bit more weird um then it seemed like it was kind of the same chemistry that we'd had um and then i could just kind of tell the whole night she just was kind of a little distant maybe not as like conversational just seemed a little bit kind of off. And then the next day kind of just ghosted me and never heard from her again. So that kind of thing, I'd say usually, I guess that's kind of an example of other problems, I guess. But where it seems like maybe it goes really well and maybe there are some signs I'm not picking up on necessarily.

But it seems like it is going generally very well i definitely feel like there's signs of attraction and maybe i'm not turning that into something that builds up past a third date where it seems like after that point they just don't seem interested anywhere got it so we're basically talking about like the third date friend zone the third date wall fair to say i'd say yeah and i you know not everyone is exactly the third date obviously but you know that's kind of i think a general where it seems to go wrong okay Okay. A couple other questions here. And by the way, you, so you're, you don't need to get exact here, but you're in your twenties, you're a young guy, you're single, you're out there meeting girls, but you're also looking,

the goal here is a relationship. Is that right? You're looking for a girlfriend eventually? Yeah. I'd say, yeah, definitely. That's the goal. Okay, got it. So it's probably, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but is it frustrating? Does it make you get a little bit like, oh, what am I doing wrong? Especially when it seems to start well on the first or second date. And then it sounds like you're losing momentum. So is that frustrating? What does that feel like when that happens yeah frustrating is exactly right like it's you know it seems like it's going well it seems like you know i'm meeting people are really into me and i'm really into them um and it feels like it's heading that you know direction where it's going to turn into a relationship and then when it just you know doesn't and it repeatedly happens it's very you know frustrating because the ultimate goal is to be in relationship with someone that you know we make each other really happy. So, yeah. Okay. Got it. Um, have you ever thought of just giving up on dating and just going with an inflatable woman? No, not yet. Okay. Well, all right. It'd be a lot easier. I guess we should continue. I was just going to send you an inflatable woman. We could end this right now, but okay, let's go a little bit deeper.

Uh, by the way, I've totally been in your shoes. The reason I became a dating coach was I had to first solve all of these problems myself. Friend zone dates one through three basically were a big sticking point for me. Uh, so I, I've been in your shoes and yeah, it can suck when you, you're like, Oh wow, we had a great connection. That seemed really great. She was into me. I was into her. And then maybe one or maybe one or two dates later, she just goes quiet. Or she says, Hey, you seem awesome. You've probably gotten the, you seem great, but let's just be friends kind of text, right? Yeah. Yeah. Those are fun. Uh,

I'd rather get a text message from my doctor saying we have to talk than, uh, that kind of message from a girl. So I have been there. A couple more questions for you, and then we'll get into some tips and go a little deeper and try to figure out what the chokehold is. So tell me a little bit about your typical first date. What things do you talk about? Where do you go with these girls? In other words, tell me a little bit about the dates that seem to be going well yeah so it's it's typically like we'll go to dinner maybe dinner and a movie something like that um so i'd say that's kind of like my go-to like first date um and i'd say you know the conversation generally i think flows pretty well um i wouldn't say it's super like flirty or

anything um but there definitely feels like there's chemistry and attraction um and you know i think it kind of ranges from a lot of stuff typically you know be things from like things we have going on in our lives to you know kind of how we grew up and you know just past experience we've had um but it's it's um you know even like shared interests you know things like music and tv shows and movies that kind of thing okay so it's kind of where the conversation usually is so first dates typically dinner and a movie. What about second dates? Typically where would, where, what would a typical second date be like?

Yeah, it really depends. Um, I'd say, you know, it's just kind of more situational than anything. Like what kind of seems like a good opportunity to take someone on a date too. So like, it might be, I don't know, like ice skating. It might be, um, go to a concert. Um, it might be i don't know like ice skating it might be um go to a concert um it might be dinner again i think it really varies i don't think i've had like a consistent this is what i usually do for a second date okay yeah okay got it so quick tip i'm not saying this is going to be the game changer but here's a tip i'm not a huge fan of first dates that are dinner and movies.

The reason is because typically with a dinner first date, you're sitting across from her as opposed to next to her. And it can be distracting to, look, I don't want anybody to have to hear the mouth noises I make when I'm eating, I would much rather, um, I would much rather be able to have just a drink with her or do an activity. Activity dates are great for a first date because it gives you something to be doing and also talking about that thing. Um, but without feeling like you might be sort of stuck there having dinner plus dinner, first dates get expensive as well. So this is just more of a side note tip. This is not the reason why the third date friend zone is happening, but I would say for first dates, I would avoid dinners. Think first date drinks or first date activities like ice skating

or roller skating or ping pong, Jenga, Smackdown event. Those are always fun to do because that way you get to talk about the thing and each other. Whereas dinner, it can feel like you're just sort of, you know, stuck sitting across each other. Also, and we're going to get into this in a second. I am not crazy about dinner. And plus, if you're going to a movie this in a second, I'm not crazy about dinner. Plus, if you're going to a movie,

you're not talking about each other. And if you're at dinner, okay, you'll be able to talk about each other, but it can feel more like, I don't know, it can feel a little bit more like a friendly conversation as opposed to two people getting closer romantically. So just a general tip as I would try to, plus dinners just get expensive.

So if you want to get food and the date's going well, fair enough. You can get pizza. You can get something maybe smaller, quicker. But for a first date, I recommend something like drinks

and see how it goes. And ideally sitting next to her at whatever place you go to, physically next to her, side by side if possible, like a couple of stools up at the bar. Or a place that has like a couch, chairs, sofa, where you're able to be next to each other. That lets you, if you both are comfortable doing this,

be a bit physically expressive. Be able to touch each other. It's a a date so you can do things like high five tap around the shoulder she can touch you back physical expressiveness is one of the ways we escalate from friends to romantic partners to eventually boyfriend girlfriend does that make sense yeah definitely and that's harder to do when you're sitting across each other at a dinner table. So just sort of a side tip there. Okay, so let me give you, I want to give you a list here. I'm going to give you a list of what I call the seven essentials of great dates.

These are the seven most important things that a man wants to do on a first date and what I like to do is just run through all seven real quick and then I want to find out how many of these if any you feel like you're not doing or that you could do better because when you're in the friend zone when you're hitting that wall after one or two dates or in this case maybe it's roughly the third date it's good to just look at a quick checklist and say, okay, am I doing these essentials reasonably well? Okay. So here we go. Here are the seven essentials of great dates. And when I say great dates, I say basically dates one through three. Essential number one is to be authentic, amplified in other words be yourself as you might

know you read you read my book right chris yeah i did yeah so my book is my coaching my book is all about show women that authentic self be the real you because women are going to like you for you and that's going to make you, you're most confident, you're most attractive. So essential number one of great dates is to be authentic, but amplified. My old coach used to call it be, be pointy, uh, be 5% bigger than you would be if you were just hanging out on your couch, eating Cheetos with your guy friends. Right. Um it's not about putting on a persona. It's about amplifying who you are. Just being a bit more expressive, a bit more honest, talking a little bit louder. Yeah, I call that amplifying the authentic you. So that's number one. Be authentic, but amplified. Number two is lead. Be a man with a choose the venue or you know choose it and then run it

by her uh pick the thing that you're going to do on the first date lead the conversation choose the night the activity or at least be the one presenting these options to your date because women love a man with a plan and leading on a date also includes leading in the conversation, keeping the conversation in areas that are conducive and good to dates. In other words, noticing in the middle of a date, oh gosh, we've been talking about politics and the weather for the last 20 minutes. No way, I got to change this. And then changing the topic

to something more fun, you know, each other's hobbies or travel or what have you. So number two is lead, be a man with a plan. Number three is think fun and flirty early and then real and vulnerable late. I mean that both in any given date, but also the arc of, say, the first three dates. Early on, the girl you're on a date with wants to feel, hey, he's fun. He's flirting with me. It's light. It's playful. At the same time, as that date and as those three dates branch out over the course of three dates or so, she also wants to feel, oh, I'm also seeing and meeting the real guy, the real vulnerable guy.

So that might mean 15 minutes into the date, you're teasing and joking and just having fun. And then two hours later, you're opening up about your goals, what you're going to do in your career next, telling stories from your childhood. She's opening up about who she is, stories from her life. You're both being more real and vulnerable. And this helps create a deeper sense of connection. So that's number three. Fun and flirty early, more real and vulnerable late. Number four, the fourth essential of a great date is two P's,

actually three P's. Be positive, playful, and present. Positive just means, hey, bring a good vibe to the date. If your boss just fired you or your dog is sick, I'm sorry, but we want to bring a positivity to a date. Playfulness is have a little fun, light, fun, playful vibe is what women want on dates. And then present is just really about active listening, really listening to what she's saying and also listening to yourself and being really present with her because that is actually going to unlock and awaken you at your most sort of present, witty, cool self. That's number four. Number five is seek to connect, not to attract. A girl who's on a date with you, Chris, or anybody out there, you the listener, if she's on a date with you, she's already attracted to you. But if she's putting you

in the friend zone, she's not feeling attracted to you. But if she's putting you in the friend zone, she's not feeling connected to you. You're attractive already. You don't need to work on attraction. We need to work on connection. So for example, when a guy is accidentally focused on attraction, sometimes he can try too hard to impress her instead of seeking to find commonalities with her, which is more about connection or looking at different areas of life where you feel the same way, liking the same things, having the same, like you're a, you're a, you're a music lover, right? You're a musician. Yeah. So maybe on a date, I'm not saying you're doing this, but I could see a guy trying to impress his date saying, oh yeah, I play this instrument and I'm in this band, as opposed to sharing his passion for music with her and then letting her share her passion for music. And all of a sudden you've got

two people connecting about the same thing, as opposed to trying to impress her about one of the things you do. So we want to think connection, not attraction. Number six of the seven essential great dates, essentials of great dates, is flirt. Help her to feel sexy. Compliment her. Tell her how great she looks. Or tell her something about her is sexy. One of my favorite tips I give men is don't tell her she's sexy because of her eyes or her body or her beauty. Although hopefully she is. Maybe she is. I hope she is. Tell her something about her is very attractive and sexy. A trait.

A quality. Her wit. Her mind. Her presence. Her silly sense of humor. A woman who's attractive, for the most part, she knows she's attractive, but when you tell her that you find something sexy about her,

that's a great way to flirt and also let her know that you see the deeper her, and that helps with connection. And then number seven seven the seventh essential of a great date is I call it go for it basically take a risk play to win on most dates there's some moment of truth where you're feeling fear about something and it's time to try something a little bit bold. It might be going for that first kiss. It might be saying a really true, authentic, vulnerable thought like, wow, you know what, Katie, you're the coolest girl I've met in months. And I just had to share

that with you instead of hanging back and playing it cool, which I would not do. Maybe it's going for the handhold. Maybe it's going for the handhold. Maybe it's just asking her out. It's just doing something. There's usually some moment on most dates where fear gets in the way a little bit and you're afraid to go for it, whatever it is. And when in doubt, we want to play to win as opposed to playing not to lose. So super quick recap of all seven. Number one, be authentic, but amplified. Number two, lead, be a man with a plan. Number three, fun and flirty early, real and vulnerable late. Number four, be positive and playful and present. Number five,

seek to connect, not attract. Number six, flirt, help her feel sexy and then number seven go for it take a risk play to win when those moments arise now looking at this whole list uh just give me a quick uh quick gut reaction um which of these do you feel like oh i'm definitely doing this well but maybe i'm not doing a couple of these others the way I need to what are your thoughts Chris yeah I don't know if there's any that I've really feel like I've like mastered or have like 100% down um there's definitely some that I feel better about than others I'd say like um you know being positive playful present um I feel pretty good about that um I think kind of fun fun and flirty, being more authentic, vulnerable late.

And it's something I do. I could kind of be a little bit more, a little bit better about it, I guess. I think flirting is definitely probably the biggest thing that I just am not necessarily good at. I can give the girl a compliment, but how do you kind of maybe build physical connection in a way that's kind of appropriate on a first date or second date or third date? I'd say that's something i need to kind of just work on okay um i'd say seeking to connect as opposed to attract i think it's something i've definitely gotten better at over the last maybe a couple years um but could still probably be a little bit better with um i'd say like the kind of first point you mentioned authentic and kind of amplified um i'd say i feel like i'm usually very authentic on a date it's maybe just not quite

amplified enough. Okay. So I think maybe that could be something to look at. And then the last thing kind of leading on dates, I feel like generally I do a decent job leading. I was actually going to ask you though, like, what's kind of the balance between leading on a date and, you know, you know, suggesting ideas and kind of taking charge of here's ideas and leading conversation and all that. Um, while still making it some sure that it's like something that she wants to do or something that is kind of like her ideal date, you know,

cause I feel like I might throw out an idea or something and it's like, I kind of want to make sure that she would actually find that really fun as opposed to something that she would hate and she's kind of stuck doing it for an hour. Cause I'm really confident saying, absolutely this as opposed to here's what we're doing woman. And then like a caveman dragging her by the hair to the next thing. No, obviously you don't want to do that. I love the word let's. That's a great word to use on dates or even when setting up the

date. You could say, hey, I have a great idea. Let's dot, dot, dot. Go to the cool margarita bar i mentioned or let's go ice skating well let's say you're on a first or second date and you want to go somewhere else or you think another spot would be really fun you would say hey i have an idea i know this really great cool little jazz bar let's finish our drinks and head over there. Is that cool with you? And then you can always follow it with, is that okay with you? Because you do want to show that empathy for her and check in with her to make sure

you're not leading towards something that she's not into because we don't want to do that. But generally, women are going to say, wow, this guy's got a plan. And if it is a fun idea, more often than not, they're going to notice that you're leading, you're taking the lead, you're planning.

And within reason, they'll say, cool, you lead, I'll follow. It's kind of like a dance. Men lead the dance, women follow in the dance, literally on the dance floor. And if she doesn't want to do the thing, certainly totally fine to mention that. Another way to do this, Chris, is, like I used to do this a lot.

I would, let's say you're texting with a girl, setting up the date, and you, but you want to choose something that you think she'll be into. So you might say, question for you, but you want to choose something that you think she'll be into. So you might say a question for you. Are you more of a classy cocktail lounge kind of girl? Or more of a fun, dirty dive bar kind of woman? Give her a simple, fun binary choice.

Either or. Because you know what? If she's not into fancy cocktail lounges, the last thing she's going to want to do is have you overly assertively lead that. You want this information to know, Oh, she's more into dive bars. Cool.

I know a fun little cool dive bar we can go to. And then you, and then you plan it from there. Does that make sense? Yeah, definitely. Rejection, ghosting loneliness lack of dates and lack of confidence for many men dating just sucks but it doesn't have to there's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic.

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related it could just be hey i got a couple great ideas for our date our first date or our second date uh you could send two or three options i used to send them as fun little pop quizzes via text, right? Hey, Angela, pop quiz. For our second date, I'm thinking we should A, go play Jenga, B, rooftop drinks, C, and maybe I'd, I don't know, crack a joke for the third one, or C, insert your idea here. And there you are bringing her into it and giving her the option of basically collaborating with you, planning it together. But you're still taking the lead on the planning of it. So these are all options that you could do.

Make sense? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, that sounds good. And so it sounds like of these seven, I think the biggest one you said oh maybe i'm i could do this better or focus on it more is number six flirting helping her feel sexy yeah yeah i'd say so okay so you remember the the man to woman communication chapter in my book so yeah i mean in in the book dating sucks but you don't there's a whole chapter about the art of essentially creating those, what I call, man-to-woman communication, those sparks on a date. And you don't need to do a lot of it necessarily on a date because remember, she's already on a date with you.

The context is pretty much pre-framed. It's clear that you're out together. At the same time, you want to sort of lean into that context and just allow yourself to flirt a little bit, maybe a lot. It depends on the dynamic. Everybody has a different chemistry and dynamic. So tell me a little bit more about how or if, how you've been flirting on dates how you've been quote man to woman if at all give me give me your thoughts yeah i'd say usually it's just like a compliment like it'd be like hey look really good tonight or something like that um you know i think maybe like hand holding or i put my arm around or something um so like especially if you go to

a movie like it's really easy like put your arm around someone um so i say that happens um but yeah typically i'm not just like i don't know if it's just i'm a little bit not as familiar with it or maybe it's just the dynamic of who i'm going out with too it just doesn't really feel like there's maybe moments and maybe that's just i'm not picking up on it either um so i think i'm just kind of a little uncertain i'm like what do i do how do i kind of create a spark or kind of create a moment where it's a little bit more flirty? Okay, got it. And what about first kisses? Are you typically going for a first kiss on, well, on which date are you typically going for a first kiss?

Maybe more like a second date, second or third date. Okay, more second date. Okay, got it. And what about, and what, this is a big question I know you talk about a lot of things on dates but what kind of topics do you and your dates discuss for the most part is it

school studies work lives politics how would you where do you spend most of your conversational topics um I'd say mostly like lives and like interests, like what are we doing? You know, things that are going on mostly I'd say in her life to like, I try and ask more questions and try and be really interested in what she has to say. Um, I mean, obviously I can go on a date with someone, so I can find them somewhat interesting

at that point. Um, or at least I like them. So like, I want to find out more about them and get to know them. Um, and so I say a lot about like kind of trying to learn like you know what she does like trying to understand her a little bit better um but also just interests so things like movies tv shows music um just that kind of stuff to get a sense like who she is okay through some of that stuff and do you share a lot about yourself as well i try to i think that that's maybe something i can be a little bit better is just being consistent i think generally I'm sharing points and I'm not just like

asking questions like it's an interrogation for you know an hour and a half. But I think maybe being really consistent about offering up good things and I'd say maybe one thing too that I think I could be a little bit better at is like giving like giving something that's a little bit more like not trying to just be the natural next conversation thing or trying to do something that's a little bit more, like not trying to just be the natural next conversation thing or trying to do something that I can share something that's a little bit more flirty or trying to share it in a way that kind of builds a spark

or builds chemistry, as opposed to just stating something else to keep the conversation going. Got it. Okay. And so next question, just be as honest with me as you can. In terms of flirtatious statements and actions you

know telling a woman she's sexy going for a kiss you know at the right time looking at her with desire sort of letting that sexuality come out on a scale of one to ten on your typical first date first and second date one being you're a priest 10 being you are very white i don't know the chef from south park super sexy you know sexy time barat um on a scale of one to ten where what number do you fall on on say dates one and two definitely lower end i'd say maybe like a two or three or something um i think i could maybe probably three um and i think it's not like that i'm like acting like very friendzone-ish but it's also just i'm kind of don't know how to act flirty in a way that doesn't come off as kind of being a little

bit like creepy or presumptuous um right and so i tend to just kind of play it safe yeah and then i say like second date is typically a lot there's always i'd say more flirty there's more connection than the first date um but yeah i think first date especially it's not super flirty but it there's obvious like attraction of like we like each other but it's not really flirty what is the i'm putting on the spot here but hey thanks for being game think back over the last flirty what is the i'm putting on the spot here but hey thanks for being game think back over the last few months what is the single flirtiest slash sexiest thing you've said to any of your dates probably something really simple just like hey look really nice tonight okay got it yeah okay so you're saying you want to die and never get married and never have a woman in your life, basically.

Pretty much. Yeah, so the inflatable woman is on her way. Her name is Trish. She's really cute. Okay, so I think I definitely see a big chokehold. This might be the chokehold to fix. If nothing else, it's something that I totally want you to go out and dial up within reason, which is we want to, you want to, you want to lean into this frame of, hey, I'm a man,

you're a woman, and I'm into you, if you are into her. And I'm going to convey that in clear ways. It's not about being all sexual, Barry White, damn girl, you look so hot tonight, but it is about feeling it a little bit more because just the way you said that to me, I don't know how you're saying it

to these girls on your dates, but if you say, oh, hey, you look really good tonight, even that, you're not committing to it. You're not feeling it. You want you say, oh, hey, you look really good tonight, even that, you're not committing to it. You're not feeling it. You want to say, you want to like kind of look her over a little bit. Not lasciviously, but look her over and kind of give her a little, when she walks in and say, damn, wow, you look amazing tonight.

I just forgot what I was going to say. Where am I? Oh, right, sorry, I'm Chris, right? As opposed to, you look amazing tonight. I just forgot what I was going to say. Where am I? Oh, right. Sorry. I'm Chris. Right. As opposed to you look nice tonight. Can you feel the difference between, oh, you look really nice tonight and damn, you look amazing. You're almost as sexy as me. Wow, girl. Um, can you feel the difference there just in like my tone of voice and how that might feel to your date? Oh yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

And this so much of, of dating connection and quote unquote success. So much of this is an emotions game. Um, my, one of my old coaches used to say that this is about transferring your emotion onto her. Like, have you ever had, I'm sure you have, have you ever had a really cool, attractive girl, whether it's a date or maybe just out flirting at a party, or a girl clearly makes her interest known to you by the way she looks at you, flutters her eyes, or just twirls her hair? Have you felt that interest conveyed to you at least sometimes oh yeah definitely how does that make you feel um assuming she's a cute girl yeah i mean it makes you feel great like it makes you feel like there's like this really cool girl

is interested in you and like there's a bunch of potential like something could happen something could develop from it so yeah right so you want So you want to give that same kind of energy, but of course in a masculine context. And give women those tingly feelings that women can give you when they look at you. Those big eyes and that attentiveness. And so, yeah, I really think that the big chokehold here or the main one based on what we've talked about so far is is these other seven essentials i think you're you're somewhere in the middle of the continuum but the flirting you're at a maybe a two out of ten and it is a date and i think what's probably happening my best guess right now chris is you're a handsome guy you're articulate articulate. You have a lot of value. You have that authentic

value that women want. So they see on paper how awesome you are. And that's going to get you, that'll probably get you a second and a third date. But what I think what's happening is they're not feeling that sense of deeper romantic connection. That sense of, oh yeah, he's a great guy, but I'm not feeling the sexy way I want to feel. He's not helping me unlock that feeling of I'm feminine, I'm beautiful. We see the world the same way. And maybe you're having conversations where she feels an intellectual connection to you. But of course, this is dating. We want it to be heart and and romantic connection uh and you

don't need to do it's not about doing a lot of it it's just about doing it's about making it clearer and being more upfront with it and letting her know that you're you make no apologies for your desires as a man. Does that make sense? Yeah, definitely. Okay, cool. So let's talk about how to do this in a way that's very crisp because I don't want you to come across like somebody else or try to just say, you know, flirty, creepy things.

So are you a physically expressive person when you're with your friends, when you're out with your guy friends, are you slapping them on the back, high-fiving them or, you know, having a little bit of like touching back and forth, or are you kind of just like hands to yourself kind of person? Probably more hands myself. I'm not a very physically expressive person I I'd say, in general. Okay. But with people who you know well, with family, friends, would you maybe give them a hug, give them a high-five, punch on the shoulder for your big brother maybe, that kind of thing?

Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Do you do anything like that on dates? Not generally. I'd say I might give someone a hug. Um, you know, my hold hands, but like I'd say it doesn't, it doesn't feel very like this romantic, like desire, lusty kind of way, you know? Okay. Got it.

Um, let me give you another really short list and then we'll get into some practical tips here, but I want to give you one other little list here. I call these the four escalators. Because on a date, there are four ways to escalate the date to the place where hopefully you both want it to go. Here are the four escalators. And this is all in the book. Some of this will be familiar to you, but let's do a quick review. The first escalator is going from less personal to more personal. In other words,

hey, nice to meet you, Jennifer. Lovely weather we're having today. That's the beginning of the escalator all the way up to, wow, now you know my deepest hopes and dreams and fears and I know yours. Getting very personal. First escalator, less personal to more personal. The second escalator is going from, and this is conversation I'm talking about, the second escalator is romantic sexual conversation from less to more romantic sexual conversation. So in other words, going from, oh, hi, you look really nice tonight, which is a one. And 10 would be something much more edgy. Damn, I want to take you home and kiss every inch of you in the dark. I'm not saying, again, I'm not saying you need to say that. I'm just saying that would be closer to a 10, right? or talking about romance and sex in a more clear, bold way.

The third escalator is physical expressiveness. Going from not touching at all, that would be a one, to a 10, of course, would be sex and intimacy. But on the way there would be things like high five, hand holding, touching each other's arms, obviously kissing, brushing the hair out of her eyes, her doing some of these things with you back because it is a two-way street. So that's the third escalator, physical, physical expressiveness. And the fourth escalator is logistical. That's going from one place to another place and eventually to back to some place

where you guys can be alone, her place or your place. So logistical is one to 10. One is you're sitting at the bar for four hours and you don't go anywhere. 10 would be you go from the bar to another part of the bar to a second spot. You go for a walk and then you end up back um eventually on one eventually either on the first date or a later date back at your place and you can be alone so you're

logistically escalating things so those are the four escalators um in terms of those four which ones do you feel like you're not escalating very much if at at all. I would say definitely physical. I think logistically, I feel like that, maybe I could do a little bit better of a job with that, but I think that's generally pretty good. Could you go over the first two again? Can you write a lot of them? Yeah, the first one is personal,

less personal to more personal, just being really vulnerable and getting to know each other and just opening up and just seeing her heart and her seeing yours. Like talking about vulnerable things and digging deeper and kind of understanding who she is more at her core and sharing you. Right? So, for example, on a first date, I might talk about my failed marriage and how my wife dumped me nine weeks after we got married and how scared and rejected I felt and and I might open up that way uh that would be a very personal thing

to talk about um or it could be something positive and personal like my dad's 85th birthday which is the best day of my life and I talk about how my family, I helped my family plan this big surprise birthday party for my dad on Halloween, which is his birthday. So I'd be opening up about why that's the best day of my life. So that's personal, getting very personal, sort of an unemotional wavelength. And the second is that romantic sexual, basically flirting, being man to woman, talking and conveying things in a romantic or at least somewhat sexual way and then the third is physical expressive and the fourth is logistical yeah yeah i'd say uh like kind of getting more personal i'd say that's definitely something i feel good about i feel that almost

always happens on a date okay um and it typically has a good flow to it um i think it's more that like kind of romantic and kind of i guess like the kind of talking about it is just kind of something that um i mean it happens and stuff on dates but it's not very consistent and what it does it doesn't feel like this real connective thing it almost just kind of is there i guess so kind of building that up in a more okay i guess conducive way or kind of better flow to it or whatever yeah Yeah. And it sounds like the physical expressiveness is a little bit of it, but maybe not very much. Yeah, I'd say so. Okay. Got it. All right. So I think that the, and this, this totally aligns with the seven essentials, how flirting, making her

feel sexy is the one that you're not doing all that much. So going forward, do you have any dates lined up in the next week or two? Um, not the next week or two, but probably sometime after that. I'm pretty surprised we're not at least a couple of okay well again that inflatable woman's on the way so um practice on her uh okay i'm gonna give you some marching orders here i'm gonna give you three three practices to put in place on your next date because what i think is happening and this is now making total sense to me women see you handsome cool articulate guy clearly you're a great catch so hell yeah you're getting dates and hell yeah you're getting second and third dates because women want to see have this feel like it's working but I think what's happening is they're just not feeling the tingles the the

feminine romantic tingles that they want in addition to the personal connection they're just not feeling the tingles, the feminine, romantic tingles that they want, in addition to the personal connection they're probably feeling with you. But they're just not feeling deeply enough romantically. So I'd love to see you dial those up a little bit, a lot actually, in the coming dates and see if that starts to change the game. So here's what I'm going to suggest. Here's a phrase I want you to start using on all your first dates when the time is right. Don't force it, but here it is.

This is part, part memorized, part improvised. Um, quote, you know, it's really sexy about you. Dot,

dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot,

dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, about you dot dot dot then pause see what she says see i should say she how she see how she responds and then tell her i don't know what that thing's gonna be but you'll find you'll think of something either you'll already have something because you've noticed her wit or her energy or her silliness or some funny little habit. Don't make it about her looks. Make it about a trait, right? You know what's really sexy about you? What? What's really sexy about me, Chris? You make amazing eye contact. I feel like you're looking through my soul and my soul is liking it or something like that. I just made that up, but something like that. Okay.

Uh, if you really want to be brave here, my man, you can, you can say, you know, what's really sexy about you without yet knowing how you're going to finish it.

Okay. Your brain will find something. I promise. Uh, so feel, but, but but if you if you want to know what it is going in just decide what what what is it what is it about her that's sexy that's cool that just makes you kind of feel okay um so yeah in other words let her know something that's sexy about her but make it a trait a quality most guys say this if they say it at all they say it about a woman's looks and that's superficial it's not it at all, they say it about a woman's looks.

And that's superficial. It's not a bad thing. It's just most guys have that feeling. By telling her you see the sexy traits she has inside, you're basically saying, I see the real you. And that makes a woman feel like, wow. And that strengthens connection, but it's a more of a romantic connection all right that's one thing to do second is I would love to have you going on on your first dates where you're able to sit sit next to her or or if you're doing an activity date something where you're you're at least in proximity to each other as opposed to like across a table because Because on first dates, I want you to be a little bit more physically expressive. Think of it as stair steps. You start off with a nice hug when she walks in. Hey, nice meeting you. You look just like your photos, hug, friendly, almost like a big brother, like no sexuality, not necessarily sexuality to it, just a big warm hug and then you sit down

you're chatting next to her maybe at the bar or seats that where you're able to sit next to each other and then she says something you like and you agree you can give her a high five or she says something silly and dorky uh let's say that she what's it what's a what's a band that you hate or a movie that you hate oh uh i don't know uh maybe like ed sheeran or something for a band okay perfect so let's say on your next date you're talking about each other's favorite bands and as a musician that's something that would come up and you say hey what's your favorite band and she's like oh i love ed sheeran and you're like what oh man i was really liking you until you said that and you push her away like playfully for fun not really but you kind of like give her a playful

push i was once once on a date where my date said she liked such and such group and we were both on stools and i literally turned her stool 180 degrees away from me and i said i'm sorry you're on a two minute time out i can't i can't be on a date with a girl who likes such and such band that's a playful tease but i but i you know i i had to kind of like slightly touch her and move the the stool um so you could do it when she says something you don't like or something you like, right? And the way to make this cool and normal and not creepy, handsy guy is you simply have a reason for the touch. The high five is a reason. Oh, no way. I love that band. Or, oh, get away. I can't date an Ed Sheeran fan. And then as the date goes on, feel free to be a

little bit more bold with the physical expressiveness while noticing if she's enjoying it and if she's touching you back a little bit. Because if she's touching you back a little bit, then you can throw your arm over her shoulder and say, oh, hey, I got a secret to tell you. And you throw your arm over her shoulder and say, Oh, Hey, I got a secret to tell you. And you throw your arm over her shoulder and you whisper something in her ear. It doesn't matter what the thing is, but the reason you're leaning in and touching her as you have a secret. And now she's, she's taking you in more physically. So she's feeling you're more like a, um, I don't like the word alpha male. Cause I think that's all BS, but you're just,

you're just a man who's confident and comfortable with his physical expressiveness. And that's a very masculine energy to give out. And that helps her feel feminine, attracted. And also, as the date goes on, you can escalate to things like maybe you go for the high five and you catch her high five. You catch her hand in a sense and you hold hands at that point. You don't have to. You could also just take her hand and hold her hand.

But that would be another escalation. Anytime you hold a girl's hand on a first date and she's holding it back and she likes it, you basically now have the green light to go for a first kiss. Okay. Not that moment, maybe. and she likes it, you basically now have the green light to go for a first kiss. Okay? Not at that moment, maybe. I mean, think of it as like a series of yellow, red, or green lights, but that's essentially a green light saying, she's basically saying, okay, next you can kiss me. So that's why, we're climbing the stair step

of physical escalation and expressiveness. And by doing this, it makes it so much easy to do the third tip I'm going to give you, which would be to go for a date. Sorry, go for a kiss on a first date if you're feeling that it's going reasonably well and she's responding well. Okay. she's responding well okay most first dates should include a first kiss attempt if you're feeling a reasonable vibe from her and if you're attracted to her of course you don't have to do it if you don't like her if she's arms folded barely talking to you never ever ever force it

not that you would you're a total gentleman i know that but i feel like a first date if we're relatively into each other i want you to go for that first kiss because you really can't lose if you go for it if you go for it and she kisses you back guess what sparks are flying and she's starting to feel that flirtiness and sexiness. If you go for that first kiss and she's not feeling it, she turns her cheek, guess what? You still get points for trying. And you can laugh it off. Don't make a big deal of it. To my knowledge, Chris, I've never lost a girl by going for a kiss and gotten the cheek. I've gotten lots of, oh, he, he, he, not yet. That's too soon. Or, oh, I don't like PDA. But they still basically liked it that I tried.

I know for a fact I've lost girls because I had a window to kiss her and I didn't take it. And she friendzoned me. They told me, I know, because they told me. So yeah, those are the three practical tips I wanted to offer you. Tell her something that she's so sexy about her. Amp up that physical expressiveness by climbing those stair steps and go for that first kiss at some point on the date, assuming there's,

even if it's just a quick little peck on the lips, that's, it doesn't have to be a big old sexy makeout, although it can be. And if you do those three things, those three things, give it some reps, give it some, give it some time. You're going to get more comfortable and you're going to start feeling women.

You're going to start feeling women, feeling your sort of man to woman interest in them. And I think they're going to get a lot more invested in you and want to keep seeing you beyond those two or three dates. Okay. Any questions about any of this before we wrap up? No. Yeah. That all sounds great. Um, I mean, all, yeah, it makes total sense. Like I totally see kind of, I guess like the path that kind of hold up and kind of what to do. So yeah, it makes total sense. Yeah. And a lot of this in terms of the, the, the romantic escalation thing, this part of this takes, sometimes it just takes courage. Sometimes you might just be a little bit nervous on a date and you're thinking, oh my God, she's so beautiful and cool. Oh gosh, I want to tell her, or I want to show her,

but what if she doesn't like it? Remember that, and I think there's a line in my book, risky is safe and safe is risky. If you do things that feel risky, that's actually the safe, smart move because we got to take risks in life to get results and to have things happen. If you play it safe, that's a very by by never escalating or or not putting that flirtatious side of you out there then that's actually very risky because you're risking the chance that you're just never going to make a woman feel the way we want them to feel so i think it's it's paradox risky is safe safe is risky and i feel like through no fault of your own i feel like in some ways you've been a little bit safe on the dates, having safe, nice conversations, but not really go, not really

putting that real man to woman self out there. So I say be a little bit risky and your comfort zone will soon stretch and expand and you'll start to feel more comfortable and confident while you do it. And then it just gets better and better. Make sense? Yeah, totally. Makes total sense. Yeah. All right, brother. Great job. No, you have everything you need. It's just about tweaking these dials and realizing that, hey, this is a date. She's into you. You're into her. She wants you to flirt with her. She wants you to, quote unquote, be a man, of course, a gentleman with empathy, which you are, but also be a man. We can still do that. And go out there, give it a try, and hit me back with any thoughts and comments, and we'll stay in touch, and we'll get

you where you want to be. Sound good? Yeah, sounds great. Yeah, sounds great. All right, Chris. Thank you so much, man, and we'll talk again soon. Yep, sounds good. Talk soon. All right, Chris, thank you so much, man. And we'll talk again soon. Yep. Sounds good. Talk soon. All right. See you partner. Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast for lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies. Go to dating transformation.com. See you next time. Produced by heartcast media.