How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - LIVE COACHING! Nate Learns the Right Way to Text Women, How to Get Out of His Head on Dates, and More!

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

Do you get stuck in your head when talking to women? Are you struggling with what to say and how to text? Are you still hurting from a past break-up?You’re in luck, because in this episode of the Dating Transformation Podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett helps you fix those problems. How? You get to listen in on a live coaching session Connell does with his new client Nate.Nate has some common dating struggles, and in their first coaching session Connell gives Nate some advice that you can also use. You’re about to learn…5:45 How to get “out of your head” on dates9:00 The RIGHT way to text women (and the WRONG way)14:00 The kinds of texts to NEVER send17:10 Why authenticity is what women want21:00 How NOT to overshare with women35:00 How to stop doubting yourself on dates and feel more confident44:00 A simple way to get over getting dumped so you can meet someone new52:00 How to achieve an abundance mindset in datingListen now, so you can find your dream girlfriend, while dating with confidence and authenticity.FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3

Maybe she just didn't want to think about eight-year-old Connell under the blanket in his bedroom. I don't blame her for that. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm the real-life Hitch, if Hitch looked like the lead

singer from Weezer. I help guys gain confidence, flirt, get a great girlfriend, get dates, and do it all with authenticity. No toxic pickup artist sketchiness. And today's a special episode. I love when I get to do these kinds of pod episodes because I had the fortune and enjoyment of talking to a great guy by the name of Nate, a brand new client. You're about to hear my very first ever coaching call with Nate. Nate's a guy who's looking for help with a few different areas. He's looking for some texting help, struggles with texting women sometimes. Also, he struggles or has struggled with things like approaching. He's looking to understand how much is too much to share and overshare on a date. And then there's some good

old-fashioned confidence and mindset issues that we chatted about. So if any of those things sound like issues you need help with, stand by. I'm about to talk dating with a great guy named Nate. So enjoy. And, uh, I'll catch you next time. Hey, Nate, it's good to chat at long last man. How are you today? I'm doing well. Thank you, Connell. And I'm excited to be here. Not as excited as me. Uh, I'm so excited. I wore my polka dot shirt for you. I'm excited as well. I'm looking at myself in my own Zoom and I think I just cured my colorblindness with this shirt and polka dots. Cool, man. Well, hey, let's do it. Let's get right to it. I like to do coaching calls by starting with things that you want to work on, maybe some

problems that have been getting you down, whether it's texting, approaching, confidence. You tell me, bro, how would you like to start? How can I serve you? Sure. Thank you. Wow. There's so much we can explore. I think a few themes come to mind and I try to frame it that way rather than addressing them as problems or challenges. I try to give myself the benefit of the doubt and the self-compassion, but a few themes come to mind. At the top of the list, maybe we can start with overthinking. Sure. I'm a thinker by my nature and it has its time and place. But when it comes to dating, I find that it can be problematic.

It can be challenging. There can be some consequences. And it's been difficult for me returning to the dating world to discern when and where and how much. How long have you been back in the dating game? So I fell back into it recently during this year, a few months ago. And I was out of it for several years. And you're 40-ish, we'll say that. And just for the listeners, how would you describe your job so people can understand what you do? In a few words, you don't have to be super detailed sure so i'm actually um quite content with my my job overall it's taken me a while to to find this this job and and uh navigate my career i have a communications position working for a local university and so i oversee internal and external communications and focusing especially on revising a legacy old website for a medical department.

Gotcha. So you're back in the dating game and you're looking to meet some women, go on some dates. And is it fair to say that the eventual goal here for you is you're looking for a great relationship, partner, girlfriend? Yes. Great question. Yes. I think it's fair to say I'm looking for the one. I prefer not to have any pretense that the one is a Cinderella slipper situation that it's perfection, but I'm looking for a good fit overall. However, I do realize

that sometimes you have to put in the reps to recognize what is a good fit. And so I'm prepared to put in those reps in the dating game. Great. It takes reps. It takes effort. Great things are worth it. I met my now girlfriend, Jess Jessaman after a whole lot of self-reflection, action, courage, some dark nights of the soul, some wins, some losses. So it's, it's worth it. It is worth it. Okay. First thing you want some help with is getting in your head. Do me a favor. Tell me a quick anecdote. Be concise as you can, because our time is somewhat limited for this call. Tell me about a time where you, or times where you have gotten quote unquote in your head with women. What context and what are some of those in your head thoughts? Wow.

It could happen almost at any time or place. I do tend to find that it's more problematic or challenging when texting, when there's no, there's a little like context or there's no uh cues of body language or vocal tone and and it just feels like i'm just i'm in a vacuum and and um i'm i'm blindly advancing um uh fumbling and stumbling forwards i I think that's probably the time when I tend to overthink the most. I'm going to read your mind. Ready?

I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their

dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic,

romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women.

Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. So you're texting a woman or wanting to, and tell me about some of the thoughts that you define as overthinking. Is it, oh, what do I write? I don't know what to write. I don't know how to get her to write back. Give me a bit more context, if you would. Sure. So typically, I think that the patterns I'd see would have to do with when to respond to a text. Am I coming across as needy or desperate if I respond too soon?

And then how much to respond? How thorough should I be with the response? Do I keep it at the surface level? Do I dig deeper? So I think those are some general considerations of mine. That's very common. I'm hearing you say, oh, I don't know how, should I wait to respond? Am I coming across as too thirsty, eager if I write too quickly? That kind of thing. Okay. Let me ask you a hypothetical. Who is your dream celebrity girlfriend? If you could have anybody, who would that be? Wow. It would have to be somebody with edge. And I'm reaching for a name. Is it Emma Stone? Nice. You have excellent taste in being girls. Emma Stone. So imagine Emma Stone,

let's say Emma Stone's twin. You were texting Emma Stone's twin, okay? Let's say she messaged you, and then she messaged you again two minutes later, and she messaged you again two minutes later. Would you blow off Emma Stone's twin and say, oh, she's so needy. She just triple texted me. No thanks. I'm going to go elsewhere. Would that bother you?

Hmm. You know, I would like to think I wouldn't blow her off for, for showing interest, but, um, maybe that could be seen as, um, would you lose interest in Emma Stone? If she double texted you the millionaire, beautiful, stunning cover actress, Oscar winner. Yes or no, sir? I'm going to double down with a no. Fair enough. Thank you. So I want you to think about your texting as if you are a very high value, attractive guy who that woman is interested in. And if a woman has a lot of interest in you, just as you would have a lot of interest in Emma Stone, she's not going to look at your message and think, oh, what an eager loser. She's going to think, oh, wow, a message from this guy I'm

really into. As long as you do one thing, which is I would like all of your text messages, almost all of your text messages, to be what I call value texts. That is, their intention is to make her smile. You don't have to be amazing. I'm not saying you need to write incredible content like Shakespeare or a TED Talk. Just something that's intended to give her a little smile. It could be a joke. It could be a tease. It could be a good question that you think she would be intrigued or interested in. As long as the woman you're seeing sees you as a high value, authentically attractive guy, just the way you would see Emma Stone as a very attractive

woman to you. And as long as your messages are not asking her or trying to take from her, as long as you're trying to give, you don't have to worry about almost any of those things to get you in your head. You don't have to worry about, oh no, am I texting her too fast? If what you have to give her is a value, she's going to appreciate it. If you are thinking, oh, I texted her three or four times today, I don't want to come across as needy. As long as you're giving value to her, it's not going to seem needy to her because you're not trying to take, you're only trying to make her smile. Now, there are a couple of guidelines we want to follow.

You do want to make sure that you're texting each other roughly 50-50, 40-60 in terms of back and forth cadence, roughly. And the other thing you want to keep in mind is you want to, I guess I put it like this. You want to text her from the place of, Hey, I've got things going on in my life. I can't text you 24 seven, but you really don't have to play games. You could message her two minutes after she messaged you. As long as that message is something of value. And as a guy who's an expert in communication, I mean, you and I have only just begun to work together, but I would imagine you are or will be really good at texting, knowing how to communicate with somebody. Does that all make sense, man? It does. I appreciate that feedback. And so if I'm understanding correctly, uh, the focus would be of what is

value to the other person. So trying to keep it simple and avoiding overthinking, uh, what could bring a smile or a laugh or, um, or, uh, lighten up somebody's day. Right. Exactly. Back to the, let's, let's put Emma Stone aside for a moment. Let's day. Right, exactly. Back to the, let's put Emma Stone aside for a moment. Let's imagine you're seeing a woman who, okay, she's not Hollywood glamour, but she's a really cool woman you're into. And you're interested in her.

So she has value to you, right? She's helping you thrive romantically. She has really great things to bring to your romantic table and you to her. And so just the fact that somebody of real value to you is messaging with you is a good thing. Hopefully you'd feel that. But even if she messaged you two or three times in a row, if she messaged you, hey, do you like me? I'm not sure if you even like me. Nate, are you into me? What are you doing? What are you doing tomorrow? How are you? If she was not offering you something, that might lower your status, her status in your eyes, perhaps. Fair to say? Yes. Okay. So however, if everything she messaged you or most everything,

let's say she was witty. Let's say she's funny. Let's say she wanted to compliment you on something that made you feel good. Then those kinds of text messages that made you smile, made you feel good, even if they came all at once, I would suggest to you that you wouldn't see that as needy. You'd see it as, oh gosh, it feels so good that we're making each other laugh, smile, have a good time. And so a big myth about texting is men think that multiple texting or texting too quickly is gonna make a woman lose interest it's not the case what will make a woman lose interest is if your texts the text themselves are needy if they're taking

or just not offering so some common examples of texts that take or don't offer would be boring cliched questions like like, how's your day? How are you? How was your weekend? And then the really bad ones are things like, oh, hey, did you get my last message? You didn't write back yet. Hey, did you have fun last night? I can't tell if you're... Are you blowing me off? Are you still interested in me? Those kinds of needy or self doubtful messages, they might be understandable that a guy feels that way, but we don't want to message a woman from that context. We want to message her from a context of, Hey, every message, every message I send you, it's like a little, a small little gift. I just, I'm trying to make you smile and doing it through the lens of authenticity,

being your real best self. And, uh, does that all make sense? It, it, it does. It's, it's a, I like that framework of the communications being gifts. It's like a care package that you're offering somebody. I like that. And actually, you bring up a good point, another theme that I've been wrestling with a little bit that I know is very important to you and your work, authenticity. And maybe this is a great case of me overthinking this, but is there a good and bad example of authenticity, a true and false? For example, when it comes to communicating with somebody, getting to know somebody while dating, there's a side of me that tends to resort to wanting to share. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence.

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Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. So already I feel like I'm off the grid or moving off the grid from the guidelines that you're sharing.

And yet I wonder, where is that side of me coming from? Is there anything redeemable about it? And how can I better understand that within the overall timeline of dating? Is there a time and place for sharing more personally and at a deeper level? You cannot be too authentic by my definition. Here's my definition of what I call radical authenticity. Something that's authentic has utility and value to the world. There's something about that word. An authentic Picasso is worth millions.

An imitation Picasso is worth 50 bucks, right? An authentic voice at the town hall meeting where somebody just speaks their mind, everybody's listening, people really pay attention. An agenda-driven, inauthentic voice, people can kind of smell bullshit. So I define authentic or radical authenticity as you essentially channeling your highest value real version of you. So you really can't be too authentic. However, you can be too honest. I should say you can overshare if you say maybe too much at the wrong time. So before I give you some thoughts on this, this is a great topic.

I think maybe, again, if you don't mind, if you have a story, an anecdote, a moment from your past, please protect the privacy of others. But if you were ever messaging with a woman or had a date and you said, oh gosh, you said something way too... What's your example of oversharing? Maybe you give an example and I can tell you if you overshared or undershared or somewhere in the middle. Absolutely. Something comes to mind from a recent relationship that ultimately ended up with a breakup. Things got very intense very quickly within the span of a month before it unraveled. And I think that there was a mutual hunger from each of us.

And we expressed this hunger, this this desperation this neediness in different ways and for me it came across as oversharing and i think maybe where i was coming from was i was trying to invest early on to maybe accelerate the process of intimacy. What did you overshare? Although my intentions were good. What did you overshare? One example, yes. One example would be in a passing text when we're checking in with each other

about how our weeks were going. And I shared about a challenging interaction I had with my roommate. And I wasn't an essay, but it was a longish text about that interaction. And my takeaway was, I feel really bad about that. I think my roommate's lonely and I would like to apologize to them tomorrow. And her response was, do you normally share this much with people who you're just to know? And my response was at that point,

that spun me off into my overthinking ways. And I became very self-conscious and I felt like I had overshared. And it's hard to say if that was the beginning of the end, but it was certainly a catalyst for my unraveling. How did you reply to her when she asked you, do you always share this much? How did you handle it? So to my merit,

and at that point in our relationship, I think I still had some, I was still fairly grounded. I tried to bring some humor. I had some self-awareness. I paused before I responded. So I wasn't reacting and I tried to play up, um, the levity. And I think I said something to the effect of, um, no, but I'm, I'm not used to, But I think I said something to the effect of, well, there's something about your. Besides the fact that you're a lovely lady, there's a certain kindness to you that I appreciate.

And I think her response then was, what are you not used to meeting lovely women who are also kind? And to that, I responded with equal humor, yes, but not the full package. And then I listed some other positive qualities that I admired about her. So just so I can make sure I understand, you were texting with her about a situation with your roommate. And was that an argument? Was it a problem your roommate and you were having? What was the emotional tenor of the roommate situation

that you shared with her? Would you say was it positive? Was it neutral? Was it negative? Right, right. Great question. And a great place to clarify. So definitely on the negative side, critical. I wasn't bringing in a moment of celebration with with my roommate. It was definitely an interaction that was tense. And so this is what I was introducing into messaging. Got it. Here's my perception without having read your text message. It sounds like that you, it's not that you overshared per se. You want to filter your communication with a woman in that early courtship period through this lens without getting too in your head about this, Nate. So I don't want you shoved in your head, but think of like a lens you can hold up to your conversations with women. The lens is, is this serving me

with her or is this a disservice to me and her? And you want to filter out things that are not going to help you emotionally, romantically connect with her. I mean, within reason, I'm not saying every single word has to be, this is good game. I'm not saying that. But I like to ask myself, oh, hey, this text I'm about to send her, me bitching about my client who didn't do what I asked him to and I'm having a tough day and it's an annoying Monday. That might be authentically, emotionally how I feel in that moment, but that's not my higher self. And it's also fails the, does this serve me test? Or does this help us as a couple or as a potential couple get closer test? Now, when you're in a relationship with a woman down the road a ways, Hey, there's a little bit of an understanding here where we can be a bit more vulnerable and, hey,

we all have good days and bad days. So I think your interaction with that woman, I think she was responding to, hey, dude, why are you telling me this? This is not whatever playful. It's not positive. Maybe it was negative. Maybe just off topic. So I wouldn't say it was an overshare.

I think it might have been like an emotional, like it might have been misfired emotionally. Does that make sense? Yes. Yes, that's a useful distinction, a useful way to help me untangle those ideas. You can share a lot. Here's a quick story from my dating past. So I once had a first date with a woman and it was getting really vulnerable and open about our pasts. This is years ago. And I can't believe I'm going to say this on my own podcast. But so when I was in grade school, when I was in eighth grade, I got it into my head. I was raised Catholic. I got it into my head somehow that it was wrong to masturbate. And then there was a little bit of a religious tick that I thought, oh,

masturbation is wrong. Jesus is watching me. And I also got it in my head that if you masturbated too much and you would run out of sperm and you would never be able to have children. I don't know where this came from. So I had this story in my head as a little kid and I went something like, I don't know, 300 days without touching myself in eighth grade, which is the time when your body is really popping with hormones. And I remember when I was watching MTV one night and like a virgin video came on Madonna and I was just like, I can't take it anymore. I got to do this. And I broke down and felt really guilty. Anyway, I told this story once on a first date, almost exactly the way I just told you. It made sense in the context. We were both sort of confessing things about childhood. And she

thought it was so funny, vulnerable, not weird, not an overshare. Two weeks later, I shared the exact same story because I thought, oh, tell the you took a masturbation break in eighth grade, but Madonna wore you down story. And this other woman thought it was the creepiest, weirdest thing. She's like, why are you telling me this? This is weird. And in my mind, I'm like, wait a minute. Why did this work so well two weeks ago with Bethann? So what's the story here? Or what's the lesson that I learned? Context matters. The first time it was organic and it was super vulnerable and I was sharing a lot and she liked it. The second situation, I was kind of forcing it a bit. I was thinking, oh, this is good game. It's my vulnerable masturbation story. And also maybe

that was partially why she didn't like it. Maybe she just didn't want to think about eight-year-old Connell under the blanket in his bedroom. I don't blame her for that. So the bottom line is you, there are totally times when you can share massive amounts of, uh, specific vulnerable things. You just want to think, Hey, is this going to be possibly good for the date? Uh, and in the first instance, this woman and I were just both kind of opening up swapping stories and it was good. It showed vulnerability and sort of, uh, there, swapping stories, and it was good. It showed vulnerability. There's also a certain attractiveness, I think, that women can see in a guy who can tell a vulnerable story from the past.

So bottom line is here, bro. You never know until you share, and it's okay. Don't think of it as, oh,, I should never overshare. I should never share something personal again. I would say to you, filter it through, hey, is this going to help us get closer? Is it positive, neutral, or negative? If it's negative, if it's something not maybe fun, positive to talk about, that's probably something to stay away from in those early courtship dates and weeks. Right. That makes sense. So intimacy is something that's earned over time. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Lowering that guard happens over time. Again, it's all context dependent. I remember I had a first date not long after. My mom passed away in 2017. And I remember having a date, I don't know, about a year later. And all of a sudden, we were talking about

big life things that normally I wouldn't talk about on a date. But all of a sudden, I found myself talking about giving my mom's eulogy. Now, that might be a negative or too serious thing to talk about on a date, which in a vacuum I would say probably was, but on that date, it made sense in the context. She was opening up about people she had lost. I wanted to share something about my mom and the eulogy I did with my mom. Now at the same time, my dating coach brain was saying, Connell, don't talk about your mom's death for an hour. You're on a date. It should mainly be positive, playful, and light. But it's fine to veer off into more vulnerable overshare moments. Sorry, not overshare. Vulnerable sharing, if it makes sense in the context, but then put that car back on the positive, playful,

flirtatious road. So I did not talk for very long about my mom because I didn't want to. That's not going to help the date, but it made sense in that context. So it's really so context dependent. Right. And ultimately, it's about how you make the other person feel it's about how you feel together yeah each other feel yeah yeah it's sort of like uh have you ever ever watched the tv show madman yes love it there's a madman episode where don draper john ham and roger are out with clients and they're having a good old time drinking with the guys from Chevy. They're trying to land the Chevy account. And then Don had some other weird agenda.

And he starts talking about Vietnam and all the awful horror of Vietnam. And Roger shoots him a look. And then later, Roger takes Don aside and said, what the hell are you talking? Why'd you bring up Vietnam? We want to make these guys feel great. We're trying to create a win-win business relationship here. Why are you talking about body bags? And that moment reminded me a similar mindset to have on a date. Again, I'm talking about the dating kind of courtship part of dating. First two, three, four, five dates, especially the first couple, is you want to filter conversation

and topics through the lens of, is this going to help the date or is this going to bring us down? And Don, I'm not saying think about a woman like she's a sales prospect like on Mad Men, but monitoring, understanding that every date we want to keep it positive, keep it playful, a little bit flirtatious. And if you catch yourself thinking, oh, wait, that story would be negative or inappropriate or drag us down, then learn the lesson that Don Draper had to learn. Keep it positive. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Yeah. I hope that all computes. That does. And again, I'm a big fan of the show Mad Men, especially as a writer, it strikes a lot of chords for me. And I think where the distinction then is for me, or the difference is, maybe this is where confidence comes in.

Confidence, and maybe there's other dimensions of like self-awareness and other awareness. And I've heard somebody make a distinction between self-consciousness and self-confidence. I'm not sure if that resonates for you. What was the distinction? I'd love to hear more. So self-consciousness being a mindset or a state of being that's that's more tangled in one's baser instincts of fear and anxiety maybe some some lower

desires about pursuing somebody else about what you can gain from them. And as well as doubts and insecurities, where self-confidence is rooted in one's higher self within your framework of um of one's uh positive qualities while also accepting one's um uh maybe uh weaknesses or lesser strengths but ultimately there's a groundedness and self confidence and an other person focus and self-confidence? Yes. Oh my God. We have a psychic connection. You just read my mind. So glad you said that. I love this topic. Self-confidence versus self-consciousness. Here's my definition. Very similar to what you just shared,

Nate. To me, self-confidence is having a grounded connection to your value, knowing you are enough in that situation, while also being very present and focused on the other person and yourself in a very present way. So you're not, you're, yes, you're, you're feeling confident in your worth and value and very present with that person. If you are present and have a good sense of your worth and value, you're going to feel and come across as very confident. Because if you think about it, if you're present, you're not thinking three steps ahead or judging what happened three minutesting what you're doing in that moment. That's where self-consciousness is going to mess with you. I think that, and it's okay to be self-conscious at times. I've been on,

I once did the math. I don't know, maybe a thousand first dates. Wow. If you count video dates and phone calls, like basically about a thousand. And I was self-conscious for a massive amount of those times. And I got better at it as I went along. So what I learned was how to get out of self-consciousness into self-confidence. Here's what I learned works. If you catch yourself thinking, here's the thought that creates self-consciousness. Tell me if you've ever thought this. Is she liking me? How am I doing? Am I impressing her? Is this good? Will there be a second date? Very me-focused, okay?

And that's an understandable place to want good outcomes. I want every woman to like you, to be super into you. But in the present moment with her, that's not going to serve you on the date. So when you catch yourself thinking, does she like me? Shift to a different question. Here's a great question to have running your motor. Here's a great question to have as the motor that's running the vehicle of your date. The question would be, how can I make her smile? how can I get really present with her and give her a great night how can I'm giving you multiple choice options any of these are good how can I flirt and make her feel sexy by being genuine and real. All of these core questions are much more

empowering than, does she like me? How am I doing? Will there be a second date? Got to try to push those thoughts out and say, how can I make her smile? How can I listen to her? How can I give us a great night together? And then, because think about it, if you're focused on giving to her while being present, you're getting out of the self-conscious mindset, but you're also giving yourself a really good chance to get the result that you're self-conscious about, if that makes sense. Does it? Yes. What comes to mind is, it sounds like your model leaves room is, is really encouraging people to give themselves the benefit of the doubt.

And self-confidence is coming from a place of recognizing your value, recognizing the value of the other person, of the relationship or the potential relationship, and round up, like giving yourself, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. And I think maybe that's where some of these themes, if I think of them that way, are interconnected or sometimes get tangled up in one another, the overthinking with the self-consciousness and lack of confidence, as well as the oversharing. Yeah. Oh, here's another cause of self-consciousness.

I know this really well from not dating so much, although back in the day, yes. Also from doing improv comedy or playing sports. If you are trying to reach a certain level of, quote, performance on a date, witty, funny, amazing, alpha, whatever a guy wants to achieve, and you feel yourself falling short of that, that gap, if you're focused on that gap, that's going to create, oh, why aren't I in the zone tonight? Why am I not saying the funny thing I wanted to say? I ran into this recently when I was on an improv team. I never, I shouldn't say never,

I rarely performed as well as I wanted to. And it got me so in my head and it made it, created this vicious cycle of me trying hard to do better improv, be funnier, make it more successful, impress the audience. And the more I tried, I saw the gap between where I was and where I wanted to be. And it made it harder for me to just get present, let my humor come out and let the improv show be whatever it's going to be. So that gap between where you are and where you want to be with your performance can also create self-consciousness. The fix for this or the aspirin to take is accept where you are right then and there. This is how I feel. I'm not going to fight it. I'm not going to strain to reach some high bar of whatever the thing is you're not yet achieving. Witty, funny,

flirty, her liking me. Come back to what I call the three Ps. Come back to present. Come back to positive. It's a date. Things should be positive, fun topics. And then playful. It's good to play. There's not a woman in the world, I don't think, very few anyway, who don't want to have fun. Just have a nice, fun, light, playful time on a date, especially the first one or two. So those three Ps, I'm like, okay, Connell, you're not in the zone today. You've been witty or you've been cooler. That's fine. It is what it is. I'm not going to press up against it because that just creates more resistance self-consciousness in other words get present listen to her be positive be upbeat and how can I play

how can I play with her because playfulness is basically the essence of flirting I feel cool man we got about a another 10 12 minutes left uh in in the last remaining time we have here what else can i how else can i help you what topics uh challenges goals what's on your mind how can i help you bro yeah thank you appreciate it um i think maybe it could be of value to explore how to move on after a breakup and any general guidelines you have about that. I feel like I've mostly recovered at this point, but it still hurts from time to time. It has been strangely inspiring. I feel like it shocked my system in ultimately in a positive way. And I've been very, I've been journaling very prolifically and it's just pouring out of me. But, and I've done my best to reflect and i'm trying to frame

it that way as a reflection rather than like a like performing a forensics case of trying to get to the bottom of why why why why me why now right because i realize that's that's just a a bottomless pit um that will never end and I'll likely never get a satisfying answer, but it still hurts. And I'm sure that's the type of a type of pain that's universal that we all share at times during the dating process. And so I'd be curious to hear some of your thoughts about how to move on after a breakup, whether the positive, negative ways to do it. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. At any point post-breakup, have you found yourself asking you the question, why me? Why this happened to me? Anything like that? Absolutely. I think even during the breakup, I was absolutely shocked.

I didn't expect it. I went into that call with a bad feeling. i was just feeling off after a road trip i was exhausted i was i was sore um um i just wasn't in a good state of mind to have it and i i felt that i had this nagging feeling in my my stomach and about uh um turning down the request to have that call, but I thought I'd rise to occasion. And as soon as I picked up that phone and made that call, I quickly realized what I'd gotten myself into. And that was the first thought that came to mind. What's happening. Okay. So you broke up and while this is happening, you caught yourself thinking, oh, why is this happening to me? Fair enough.

That's the most common question to ask yourself. I want to ask you a different question. I want you to ask yourself a different question and really think about this. Share it with me. Be honest. Ask yourself a different question. Ask yourself about the breakup, about the relationship or the end of it. Answer this question with the highest self version of Nate. Here it is. something that has happened for me that will give me something that

will bring a reward and value what might be the answer to that question wow that's a deep one and i think that's territory i've explored with the journaling um and And I can approach it from so many angles. I mean, first of all, I feel like this experience has wet my appetite again for dating. And it's been a positive reminder of what I'm capable of, that I can do it. I wasn't looking for this relationship. I wasn't looking for this experience. I stumbled across it and I recognized it as an opportunity and I didn't want to let it go. So I don't regret it as much as it ended in a way that I would prefer it to have ended differently. But even with that said, I find that it's important not to play the part of a victim. That I could look back and hopefully not coming from a place of forensics of trying to get that definitive answer, but more coming from a place of mindful reflection of see, oh, yes, I could see how

my tendencies did contribute to the unwinding with the overthinking, the oversharing, the general texting confusion that might be something that people share in common. It's just, again, you're missing out on so many cues. So let's do three quick bullet points. people share in common. It's just, you're getting, you're missing out on so many cues. So one, let's, let's do three quick bullet points. One positive from this potentially is wetting your appetite to go, to get back out there and date again.

So a little bit more motivation. Yeah. Yes. Great. Give me a second thing that if you think of this breakup as, Oh, this is happening for me or it will happen for me, what else might this relationship bring you in the future? Or I should say the breakup,

what might it open up in the future for you? What could, I could really like simply define, but it's more, more of a vague feeling. If you, if you don't mind me just wandering into that territory is one of the lessons. It's just a, it's just a podcast. You can talk as long as you like. Okay. One of the lessons learned for me is that love, it must begin as a spark. Something's being ignited, but it can't end as a spark. The spark has to, at some point, it has to turn into a fire fire and that fire has to be stoked. And so maybe, maybe I'm thinking a little philosophically about this, but this has been part of my reflection process of,

I feel like getting as well as it a view inside the trenches. This has been a retrospective review. That's, that's more coming from like a bird's eye perspective of okay well then it simply wasn't meant to be um i um i really like this person and for whatever reason at this time and place my feelings weren't reciprocated. And that's, that's fine. I can't, I can't change things. I can't undo that. And, and in my mind, it doesn't make sense to even pine on the sidelines for a vague possibility of, of things getting back together. I, I feel like it's healthier and it could, it could, the reconciliation's a possibility. Um, but it's not something that

I'm clinging to. How long were you, how long were you romantically involved with this woman? Just one month. And that, that's, that's the crazy part is it was very intense for both of us in different ways. And it ramped up and, and yeah, it was basically over as soon as it started. And, and regardless of the, the, the investment, it's, it's still hurt. Pain is pain. But the lessons. Do me a favor.

Close your eyes. 30 seconds. Visualize something. Visualize your future partner, girlfriend. Maybe she looks a little bit like Emma Stone. Maybe she's got big eyes and she loves to cuddle up on the couch with you and watch movies and travel, go to dinner. And she loves your sense of humor. You love hers. She's a great kisser. She's supportive. She loves hearing

about your day. Imagine this is the woman you're going to share your life with, your soulmate, your lover, maybe one day your partner if you want to get married, maybe not, but the girl you're going to share your life journey with. I want you to imagine that the reason why you're with her is because this last relationship ended. That last relationship ended because you were meant to be with, let's call her Emma for now. Now, if this were true, if this happens in the near to middle future, would you be able to look back on this last relationship and think, boy, it sure hurt at the time, but I'm glad it ended the way it did because look who I get to

be with. She's perfect for me. We're so in love. And gosh, I'll miss XYZ woman, but man, this was the way it was meant to be. Is this possible? Yes. This is how we want to look at breakups. After a little bit of mourning, it's okay to mourn. In fact, it's human to mourn and hurt. And it's totally normal to say, hey, why me? What did I do to deserve this? That's how I felt after my wife of nine weeks left me. And I felt like I was rejected by all women. And I thought, oh, I guess I'm just not what women want. And then eventually I said, hey, Connell, I'm going to take all this rejection. Instead of asking myself, why is this happening to me? I asked myself a much more powerful question. How is this happening for me? And that's a question that will change your life. It's certainly not something I came up with.

There's an amazing book called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, classic self-improvement, self-development book. And Frankl talks about being in a Nazi prison camp and saying, hey, if I get out of this, I'm not going to become a victim. I'm not going to spend my life feeling like the world's against me. I'm going to transform this into a story where this will never happen again. I'm going to turn it into something that happened for me, not make myself a victim for the rest of my life. So if my wife of nine weeks hadn't dumped me, I would not be a dating coach. I would not be with my partner, Jess, who I'm in love with and we're incredible together. I would have lost all these other things had that relationship continued. So the thing that you think is a terrible, awful, heartbreaking breakup in the moment, it might feel that way. And I honor that. If you think, how can this be something that serves me and happened for me, then it can propel you to love connection and finding somebody who's way better

for you than that woman may have been for you. Right. Thoughts? Right. I think that's great. I, I appreciate the, the abundance mindset and, um, it's, it's a wonderful reminder. It's something I feel like we should be incorporating into our life more often, not just after a breakup, but punctuating it throughout our daily life. And that's a newer skill that I've been working on over the last couple years of grounding, beginning every day with some gratitude and right um and so it's yeah it's it's a wonderful reminder um it it hasn't always come naturally it I feel like the victim mentality um can still claw at me from within.

And maybe at times I've taken an approach of trying to like lop off the heads of the Hydra and somehow that hasn't been so effective looking back at it. It's like, well, they always grow back. So maybe rather than focusing on like this this grand heroic fight of like slaying the dragon maybe maybe a different approach of like kind of befriending the wounds befriending the experiences celebrating them right recognizing value in them and maybe that can help you if you process it authentically, recognizing that there's a season for everything, but that can ultimately help you move on. Look, I'm a big Hemingway guy for quoting. He was a bit of an asshole in real life,

but he wrote some really brilliant things. And we can end with this. He wrote, the world breaks all of us at times. And if you survive, you're stronger in the broken places. In other words, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. As long as you look at it through the lens of, hey, how is this something that happened for me, not to me? And trust that it will happen for you. And as you and I move forward, keep thinking about, oh, every step I take, every improvement, every setback, every setback you overcome, I should say, brings you one step closer to that woman you're going to share your life with.

While you grow into the man, you are at your best, at your core. So these problems, to paraphrase Tony Robbins, problems aren't problems, they're opportunities. Problems help us sculpt our soul by overcoming them and growing in the process. Anyway, thank you so much for this chat. I got to bounce now, but we'll do this again. And we'll talk more about your dating goals and we'll move things forward. Sound good to you? Thank you, Conor. Again, I appreciate it. Cool.

Adios, amigo. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media. go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.