How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Live Coaching Session: Connell’s Client Matt Conquers His Fear of Approaching—and Gets 2 Phone Numbers!

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

Do you see women you’d love to talk to, but you’re just not sure what to say—and you’re afraid you’ll get rejected? You’re not alone. Matt, 25, was battling “approach anxiety.” He wasn’t sure how to talk to women in places like bars and coffee shops. Well, his struggles are over! In this episode of the How to Get A Girlfriend Podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett pulls back the curtain and shares a 1-1 coaching session he did with his client Matt. Armed with practical tips he calls “outside the box,” a newly confident Matt immediately went out and got two phone numbers from women he approached.Here are some highlights from the coaching session with Connell that led to Matt’s breakthrough:5:45 Matt Talks about his Struggles Talking to Women He Sees In Bars8:31 Connell Identifies the “Invisible Wall” that Stops Matt from Approaching14:21 Matt Has a Major Shift About His Fear of Rejection17:15 Why Approaching Large Groups Helps Create MORE Attraction with Women20:32 Connell Shares “the Biggest Secret” to Confidently Approaching23:36 Connell Tells Matt What to Say when Talking to Tall Women26:01 Why Authenticity and Vulnerability is So Effective in Dating37:20 How to Be Playful with Women, and Not Boring42:30 Connell Shares His Simple Texting Framework46:37 A Simple Move that Keeps Guys from Getting Ghosted53:28 Matt learns the RIGHT Way to Confirm a Date, and the WRONG Way58:21 The Hinge Prompt that’s CRUSHING for Connell and His ClientsAfter their session, Matt went out and got two phone number from two cute girls—the kinds of women he’d been too anxious to approach. Do you want the same kind of success? Listen now!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE GREAT FIRST DATES:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30WANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[e-mail]

if your batting average is one out of 30, then that'll allow you to play baseball for the Chicago White Sox. But it's not a very good batting average, so we want to improve that. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, get some dates, and of course, find your dream girlfriend. And do this with authenticity. Not a bunch of toxic, sketchy, pickup artist moves.

This is about being real, about being yourself. Because women like you for you. This is about being real, about being yourself because women like you for you. This is a really fun special episode. I haven't done this as much as I would like to, but I'm going to do it a lot more. I'm going to take you behind the curtain and share a coaching session I did with my client, Matt, because Matt has some issues, some dating struggles, and I'll bet some of his problems would resonate with you. Matt struggles with talking to women in real life, especially he struggles with approaching anxiety, what's called approaching anxiety. And approaching anxiety is just when you see an attractive woman, you would love to go talk to her, and it's just hard for you. You're not sure what to say, or maybe you are

just afraid of rejection and how that might feel. This is most common in places like bars, but also coffee shops. And this is just something that so many men want to be able to do, be able to meet women out in the real world, and also know what to say and have it go pretty well. So I think you're going to really like this episode. You also might be wondering, what the heck does a dating coach do? What is it like? How does this Connell guy coach? And you'll also be able to get the answer to that as well.

So basically, I do one-on-one coaching with every single client. It's always one-on-one. And today, this is a phone slash Skype session with my client, Matt. Matt is struggling with approach anxiety. He's getting ghosted. He is afraid of rejection. He's afraid to approach women when other people are watching because he thinks he's going to feel really embarrassed. And I think you're going to love this episode because during our one-on-one chat, Matt had some really great shifts. I think if you want to fast forward to the best parts, at the 14-minute mark, he has a really big major shift about what's causing his fear of rejection.

He also, at about the 20-minute mark, I also talk about the importance of courage in approaching women. A lot of guys say, oh, hey, you know what? I'll approach women, but I need more confidence first. And the truth is, you don't need more confidence. You need more courage. Courage is the currency that's going to buy you confidence. And I talk about that at the 20-minute mark.

There's also some really good stories I share. And I think if you want to shoot toward the end of the episode, there's a couple of really cool anti-ghosting moves I also share. Because once you start getting phone numbers, once you can start approaching women like Matt is now doing, then you want to know how to not get ghosted and make sure you turn these phone numbers into dates. Oh, and then I forgot this really important part.

So two, one or two days after we did this phone session, Matt went out, hit the bars, and he got two phone numbers from two really cool, cute girls. And so he already started applying these things from this episode. So listen to the episode. There's a lot of great practical approaching tips, what to say, how to say it, how to approach. Enjoy it and let me know your feedback. And as always,

remember, your dream girlfriend, she's out there. She already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. Enjoy my coaching session with Matt. Okay, Matt, let's get to it, man. What can I help you with today? What are you working on? What are you struggling with? Talk to your coach. You know, Conor, I've had a problem with ghosting. I've had a problem with continuing text messages and getting that date in person. I've been having a problem with approaching anxiety as well. Okay. I literally wrote the book on those problems. I didn't invent them, but I perfected them. I dealt with all those things myself. Let's start with, why don't we start with approaching? That's a very common, that might be the most common issue that guys struggle with in terms of what to say, how do I do it more confidently? Tell me a little bit about how I can help you there. So I always am in a setting with a lot of beautiful women, but I just have that anxiety to go up and say something.

Approach that dream girl that I believe that would be a perfect partner for me. I just struggle with making that connection, starting that conversation. In the last month, how many really cute girls have you approached, if any? Maybe one. One or two. How many?

Okay. In the last month, how many times have you seen a very cute girl and would have liked to approach her, but you didn't? Like 30. Okay. I've been there, bro. By the way, you're way ahead of me.

I was 38 years old before I ever approached a single woman. You might remember that first chapter from my book where those three Wall Street guys steal that girl away from me who i'd approach and i have to steal her back that was my very first night so you're 25 you're at least approaching a little better but if your batting average is one out of 30 then uh that'll allow you to play baseball for the chicago white socks but it's not a very good batting average. So we want to improve that. Okay. Let's talk about what stops you from doing that and how we can get you doing it and doing it well, and obviously getting some phone numbers and dates. So do me a favor, take me back to any of these different situations from the past month or so,

where you saw a really cute girl and you would have liked to have talked to her. Let's go inside your mindset and let's figure out what's holding you back. So basically tell me a story about, oh, a time when you saw that real cutie and what she looked like, where you were, and then what happened between the years. So two weekends ago, I was out with my best friend and we decided to go to a club.

It's a bar downstairs and it turns into a club upstairs and there were a bunch of beautiful women but one girl stood out to me. She's tall, she has blonde hair, just she had an amazing personality. She was with a bunch of friends and I even said to my best friend, hey bro, look, that's the kind of girl I'm looking for. And then I just didn't want to approach a group like that. I didn't really know how to and it kind of just fell apart and ignored it. So at the end of the day, I didn't really get to initiate that conversation. Okay. Got it. And what I'm hearing you say is it sounds like you felt like you had a foot on the gas and a foot on the brakes.

Right. Oh, my God. Cute girl. My type. I would love to go talk to her and make something great happen. Right? Right. But what specifically pushed back against you?

Oh, man, there's a group. And what is the what if X, Y, Z bad thing happens? What's that thought that pushed back at you? Definitely rejection, fear of rejection. Okay. And if you had approached her, let's go back to that moment, okay? Try to remember how you felt in that mindset. You're at the club, you see the blonde, you'd love to go talk to her,

but then that little moment, you're like, oh man, if she rejects me, it's going to feel what? If you had to put words to that feeling. Nerve-wracking. There's hundreds of other people in this okay so feeling like oh god all these eyes are on me i'm going to be nerve-wracked and nervous right and and if she had rejected you in that moment how might that have felt in front of all those people i probably would be very embarrassed. Okay. So public embarrassment. Pretty strong feeling. No wonder you didn't approach her. So every guy has a different

sticking point, roadblock. It's almost like an invisible wall that stops him from approaching. If I get rejected, it'll feel some kind of negative. In your case, it'll feel like I'm embarrassed that all those people saw me get shot down. Is that correct? Yes. Okay. So what we want to do is just understand, kind of take a snapshot of what's happening, like an x-ray of what's happening to your psychology in that moment and get control of it and understand, Oh, here's why I feel like I can't go talk to her and understand it's the fear of public humiliation or sorry, public embarrassment. Right. Right. And what rejection might mean and feel like.

So let me throw, so you're, you're basically, your brain puts a little record on, well, you're too young to know what a record is but i'm like 114 years old we used to listen to records back in my day so it's it's like your brain puts on a record oh my god rejection means embarrassment so no wonder you don't approach that's approach anxiety for you it's different for other guys um so what we want to do is put on a different record and help your brain, help your psychology realize, if I go over and talk to her, I'm going to feel really good about some things.

And also show your mind that you're not going to be embarrassed. Or at least it might not be as bad as you think it's going to be. So here's a quick story from my dating past. And let me share this with you. And then we'll go back to how to kind of rewire your mindset and your approach, okay? I remember I used to be afraid of like a quote-unquote public embarrassment. That kept me from approaching a lot of girls. man, this is 13, 14 years ago. I see this gorgeous blonde walking through Madison Square Park in New York City where I live. And it's a summer day. She had short shorts on, gorgeous, curvy,

really cute, just adorable, beautiful mid-20s blonde woman. And I'm like, hell yeah. That's what I call a wow girl. I mustered up all my courage and I said, hell with it. I'm going in. And I went in and she blew me off pretty quickly. I said, Hey, what's up? I just saw you and I wanted to meet you. Blah, blah, blah. And she talked to me for like 10 or 15 seconds, but she clearly wasn't interested. And she just kept walking and said, Hey, I'm just going to have a nice day. She said, which is like polite girl code for not going to happen, dude. Now, there were a lot of people around, and I can't say I felt great in that moment, but I did feel good that at least I tried. A second later, this man comes up to me,

a young guy about your age, mid-20s. His name is Phil Glasses, kind of a nerd like me. He came up to me and said, oh my God, I saw you walk up to that girl. That was amazing. I said, what do you mean? I got blown out. He's like, yeah, but dude, I saw her a mile away. You just stepped right up. It was so inspiring.

I wish I could do that. And the lesson I took away from that day was not only is an approach, whether it goes well, acceptance or rejection, not only is an approach something that is part of our authentic selves as men that we just do, it's our job to take action. It can actually, even a rejection can be impressive. So let me ask you this question, Matt. Is it possible that if you had approached that cute girl with five or six people around her and everybody was watching that she might have

been impressed by that maybe maybe maybe yeah is it possible that girls know how hard it is to talk to them and to talk to them with the whole group watching might make her think, damn, this guy's got balls like church bells. Is that possible? Yeah, definitely. Is it possible that it might not have been embarrassing? Worst case scenario, she turns her back. She's like, no thanks.

All the friends are there. Is it possible that it might have stung for a minute or two, but then go on with your night, talk to a different girl, and you would have forgotten about it? I've done it before. Yeah, absolutely. So basically what we want to do is understand the roadblocks that stop us, which in your case is, oh, my God, public embarrassment is going to feel so bad.

Are you sure? Did they have tomatoes in their hand they were about to throw at you? Oh, absolutely not. Exactly. So you want to start essentially kind of rewiring your mindset, your confidence, your mind to focus on what you want, which in your case is to, what do you want? What do you want to have happen? I want to be able to have a good conversation, authentic conversation, get that date. Great. Okay. I love that. I love the, I love both of what you said. The only thing you can control is the first half. You can't control getting a date with her. So what we want to do is get super focused on all the things you can control.

You can decide to go talk to that hottie. You might be nervous and scared to death, but you can go do it, right? Oh, definitely. Yeah, it might be uncomfortable. It might be scary. It was scary for me to walk up to that curvy, cute blonde. But I did it. I just manned up and used good old-fashioned courage.

So essentially, here's how we fix this for you going forward. Two things you can use. One is you understand what's stopping me, fear of embarrassment. Here's your new mantra. I'm going to write this down. Quote, I will not listen to some bullshit story that I should feel embarrassed by walking up to a beautiful woman

even if I get shot down. Instead, I'll remember that my job is to step up and take authentic action and that is very attractive to a lot of women. So there's a new and improved mindset to almost like insert in your software dating software i never thought of that that's that's a very good thing that i should be sticking to yeah so that's how we remove or lower the resistance. On the other end of things, good old fashioned courage. Courage is simply the decision to do what's uncomfortable,

but you have to do it or you want to do it. And you can always, oh, sorry, go ahead, bro. Go ahead. Is initiating that conversation. I struggled to find out what to say. Okay. That's a different roadblock and pushback, which we can talk about in a second. But in terms of the fear of embarrassment, I guess what I want to suggest to you is there's only one way to find out

if you're really going to feel a lot of pain from embarrassment, is to make a couple of simple adult decisions to go talk to that girl in the group and then see what happens it's possible it'll go really well how would that feel it would feel great that might change your life it's possible the friend maybe you get shot down maybe she has a boyfriend but she's flattered and her friends don't care. Just to have that conversation. Yeah, absolutely. The truth is, when you approach a girl who's in a group, most of the time the group gives

zero shits about you. Or some of them are actually impressed. I've never been laughed at. I've been doing this for 15 years. I've approached thousands of women, and I can't say I've ever had a group laugh at me, point their finger at me. That sky is falling thing you're afraid of,

it's almost never going to happen. And even if it did, really, are you going to let other people's, are you going to live your life letting other people decide what actions you should and shouldn't take? No. Hell no. Here's another story. I was in Santa Monica a few years ago with a client, my client Edward.

We went to a really cool bar called The Bungalow, which if anybody listening to this is in Southern California, Bungalow is a great place to go for meeting women, approaching. And so we're in Bungalow and Edward and I are approaching women. I'm coaching him. I'm doing my infield wingman coaching, which I do in New York and LA. And Edward is approaching lots of women and he approaches a group with my help. And he and I are talking to like seven women. He's talking to a girl he likes. I'm being a good wingman. And the girl who was talking to me said, by the way, I just want to say how impressive it was that you guys came up to us.

And I said, tell me more. She said, well, so many guys just kind of looked at us and walked by, but you guys just came right over and we know how hard it is for you. So good job. How's that for a mindset rewiring?

It definitely helps quite a bit. Yeah. With confidence. Hell yeah. I mean, it's a club. It's a bar, a pub. I mean, I know it's not literally a pub, but the word pub comes from public, meaning the public comes out to meet each other.

If they didn't want people to come talk to them, they could stay at home, drink alone. Like I do. No, just kidding. So that's the way to rewire the pushback, the mindset. And so what you want to do for the mindset, we'll come back to what to say in a second, but here's kind of like the double six-shooter approach to this.

We're going to destroy the approach anxiety kind of two-pronged way. One is you remind yourself, I'm not going to listen to some bullshit story that I can be publicly embarrassed by approaching a cute girl around other people. Instead, I'm going to remember that other people will either not give a shit

because they're all stuck in their own heads or they might even be impressed by me. Think about all the other guys who wanted to approach you but didn't, just like you. And you're that rare guy who steps up. That can be so impressive to women. So that's sort of how we remove the resistance. On the other side of things, you just use good old-fashioned courage. Like, has there ever been a moment in your life, you can talk about dating or you can talk about some other area of your life, Matt, where you didn't want to do something because it was uncomfortable or scary, but you just had to and you just manned up and did it?

Maybe this past winter, I went out just to have a few drinks and I was keeping your book in mind. This is when I first read your book and I was listening to on audible and you know I was listening to your book in the car on the ride there and I decided to go out one night and just have a few drinks and see the people around me and just enjoy the night. And I saw a girl with her friend and she was really beautiful. And she was looking at her phone and I decided to go up and approach. I said, Hey, I just had to meet you. You're beautiful. My name is Matt. What's your name? And I just remember her looking up from her phone and looking me right in the face. And we started to have a conversation. But unfortunately, she had a boyfriend. And I said, hey, no worries.

We had a great conversation. I hope you have a great night. Love it. How did that feel afterwards? It was a lot of courage. how did it feel afterwards to you great i felt like i could go to other places and just try the same thing yeah i love that story you stumbled on one of the most powerful truths i ever discovered which is that courage is the currency that you invest that's going to buy you confidence.

A lot of guys say, oh, I can't approach women because I'm not confident. No, you're not courageous or you're not using courage. If you want to confidently approach women, first you have to use courage. You have to do it while scared. And every time you do it, you get a little bit less scared and a little less scared and a little less scared and one day you have that aha moment of i'm not afraid anymore i can talk to any woman anywhere but you got to pay the dues to get there for sure and you know the reason i can i'm not i'm not saying this to brag it's just it's my job but the reason i can approach any woman anywhere with relative comfort confidence is because I did it so many times scared to death I did it so many times scared so I use courage so many times and

I built up that confidence like building up a muscle make sense bro thanks you struggle with dating right sure you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd,

I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped, using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.

On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Now, so courage, you can always make an adult decision to walk over and talk to any woman. And while you're doing it, you can give yourself a little 10-second pep talk. Okay, I'm going in.

And no matter what happens, I'm not worried about public embarrassment. Instead, I'm just doing my job as a man taking authentic action that's what i'm here to do by the way i love the way you approached that that girl in that story you were just vulnerable and genuine i just remember that moment just her looking up from her phone which now is very hard for somebody to do uh she was probably having a conversation with somebody or something but it was it was more of the confidence for me because i'm like wow i got her to pay attention to me even if it's just for like 30 seconds by the way do you remember how long did you talk to her total?

About two to three minutes. Did she say she had a boyfriend more at the end of the conversation or was that something she said right at the beginning? At the end of the conversation. Okay. Then she was telling the truth. Women will give the boyfriend thing right away if a a guy is approaching poorly right and that means she probably doesn't have a boyfriend but that's something they say because gets them off the hook

of talking to a low value dude when they say it at the end it's a little bit of a sting because you're like oh my god this went pretty well too bad for the boyfriend but it's genuine she's basically saying hey keep this up but i have a boyfriend but keep this up i'm impressed basically at that point it's like um even the conversation was good um got it at the point where you just say have a great night no problem awesome before we switch topics one last thing in the approaching world you wanted to ask about what to say, conversation. What would you like to talk about there? Sometimes I just struggle to find words.

How do I go up to somebody and say, hey, I'm interested in you? Well, you might try, hey, I'm interested in you. Do you remember something I think I said to you in one of our first coaching calls one of my little mantras is if you're not sure what to say just go into your mind I don't mean get in your head

I mean go into your mind and ask yourself what am I thinking and feeling right now and as long as it's not vulgar say that so let's go back to the blonde the girl surrounded by all of her friends. Let's go back to that moment. If you were literally going to walk up to her and literally speak the deepest truth that you were thinking and feeling in that moment, unfiltered, what would that be, hypothetically?

First thought is how tall she was okay how tall are you is she taller than you probably okay like six feet tall i'm about five ten okay so your first thought would be wow you're tall yeah that's fine i have no problem with that when in doubt say the first thing don't try to think of the best thing that's fine i have no problem with that when in doubt say the first thing don't try to think of the best thing that's something i learned in improv i took improv classes i still do for 10 12 years and improv is an amazing thing to take class to take if you want to get much better with women and dating and just witty or funny or more present and one of the things that my improv teacher taught me was,

he's like, Connell, stop trying to find the perfect thing for your character to say. Just say the first thing. Say the truth. Or at least the truth of your character. So this is an acting technique you can absolutely use with approaching. Say the first thing.

Hey, you're tall. Fine. But you're talking to her now. It doesn't have to be fancy. It can be, hey, you're tall. Or try this on for size, if this helps you, bro. I don't know why I keep using bro. I'm not a bro guy.

I say it a lot. I say it a lot. You can lead with something vulnerable. I'm a big fan of breaking the ice with something really genuine and even vulnerable. Like, hey, I just saw you and you know what? It's hard to talk to a girl surrounded by her friends, but I had to say hi to you. That's extremely vulnerable. Yeah.

Oh, so that guy, Phil, the guy I told you about who came up to me after I approached that cute blonde, he and I later went out together. I'm just remembering another Phil story. We went out together. So we became friends. We would approach girls together. I remember walking up to a gorgeous girl on a street corner here in New York with Phil.

Phil was with me. And we were practicing vulnerable, genuine opens, just being really truthful and real with women. And he pointed to a woman on a street corner and she was wearing a cute little skirt. She was dressed up to go out for the night, probably. And he's like, oh, what are you thinking about her? And I'm like, oh my God, she's intimidatingly cute. So I said, that's my opener. I walked up and I said, hey, I just saw you and you are intimidatingly cute. And it was so real and so genuine. Her eyes lit up. She smiled. She blushed. Now, sadly, she said, oh my God, you made my day, my night. Thing thing is i'm going to have dinner with my my fiance but

oh my god wow thank you now she wasn't available women have boyfriends and girlfriends and husbands so it does happen but my point is yeah uh if you're thinking wow she's tall and intimidatingly gorgeous say that that. That's a great opener. It's like no game game. Out of the box thinking there. I'm always trying to think of the perfect thing to say. There is no such thing. No such thing.

And that's a great insight you just had for yourself, which is I'm always trying to think of the perfect thing. When you find it, you tell me what it is. I'll put it in my next book. But there's no such thing. And it's this yearning, straining quest to try to find the perfect thing that makes great guys like you get stuck in their heads, the wheels spin, and then you go one for 30. I'd rather you go 15 for 30 while you're tall than one for 30 straining to find the perfect thing. You're going to have so many more dates, so many more reps, so many more options if you just go with that first thing. So yeah, come back to this idea of what am I thinking and feeling right now? Another quick story.

The very first weekend I ever went out approaching women, it was the late 2000s. My first coach was coaching me up. And I remember the second night was when I had this epiphany about, wait, I can just tell women exactly what I'm thinking? That can work. And I saw this really, really pretty woman in a silver shiny dress. And my coach said, what are you thinking as you look at her? And I'm like, I'm thinking I'm nervous and shy, but I have to meet her. He's like, great.

There's your quote unquote pickup line. Go with that. And I walked up to her and I said, hey, I never do this, and I'm actually pretty shy, but I had to meet you. And she looked at me and said, yeah, right. You're real shy. Hi, I'm Amy. And she thought it was a line. She thought it was a really good pickup line, which I guess it was, but it wasn't meant that way. It was meant as, let me just speak the truth. Let me just tell that authentic. That's why I go on and on about authenticity is just tell her that authentic truth, even if it's, hey, you're my type. I'm scared, but I had to talk to

you. And the weird thing was, because I was really leaning into that true feeling inside, I assume it probably made me stand taller made me project my voice made me just feel more badass and so she read all of those sub-communications of a confident guy and that's what made her think oh that's a line but hey she kept talking to me and I got her number

so I was like damn I never forgot that moment it's part of the reason I became a coach I said I gotta put that in a six pack and sell that to. It's part of the reason I became a coach. I said, I got to put that in a six-pack and sell that to guys. That's really good. Anyway, so back to what to say. When in doubt, speak something true, something genuine, something vulnerable. Or another thing you can do, and let me give you two ways to do this.

You can do that honest, genuine, vulnerable icebreaker. Another thing you can do is something that's more indirect, which is not, I wanted to meet you, you're beautiful, although that's fine, but you can also do something more indirect and playful. So think of it like, and I did a whole podcast episode about this that the listener can go back and listen to about three episodes ago, about the three ways to open in an indirect way,

multiple choice. You see that beautiful woman and you think, instead of thinking, what do I say that's perfect, which is a deathly question to ask yourself, or at least it creates anxiety. Instead of saying, what do I say? Ask yourself, which of these three angles should I choose? Should I A, give her a compliment about something specific that I like about her that's not X-rated? So A, compliment. B, question that makes sense. Or C, make an observation.

By the way, your tall opener that you could have said, that would be an example of C, make an observation. Definitely, yeah. So you just choose one of the three, question, compliment, or observation. And that's a very high open hook ratio of the conversation starting because you're not quote unquote flirting or hitting on her per se. You're just breaking the ice in a way that makes sense to her. And you have a really high percentage of approaches that go well, at least in terms of a conversation.

A recent example of a compliment for me was a couple of weeks ago, I saw somebody online, and she had a great sense of style for hats. I did a picture of her in Nashville, and she had this big hat on. That was my opening message. I said, hey, you have a great sense of style of hats. Let's talk. I love it. Yeah. There's something about a sincere, specific compliment

that it's like giving her a small little gift. And that's a beautiful way to open, both online and in person. When I go out and do the in-person coaching with my clients here in New York, first 20 minutes of the night as we go around the lounge, the bar, just handing out quick little icebreaker compliments, typically. Oh, hey, I dig your

tattoo. Oh, those are really nice glasses. I love those glasses. Hey, cool nose ring. Very retro. Careful sneezing there. You might need a Kleenex to clean that up. Or whatever. And then that's just to warm up and loosen up. Invariably, one of these little, small, little icebreakers might lead to a 30-minute conversation and a phone number and a date. I've never really thought of that. I will have to give that a try. Because there's plenty of things, especially in clubs or cafes, restaurants, well, at the bar. Yeah. I never thought.

If you have a creative mind, I think you do. You're a creative guy, right? I know your business is involved in a certain amount of creativity with the kind of handiwork you do. But even if you're not creative, I just love, our brains love to assess a situation and try to figure out a way to turn into something enjoyable and create, I guess I'm trying to say creative. And so what I like about this multiple choice way to open the ice, break the ice with women,

it lets you be creative. It lets you say, all right, what moment can I create with her? Can I create a sincere, real compliment that might make her smile? Can I ask her a good question? Or can I make an observation of something I think is intriguing or a little bit different? So an example of a question would just be, you know you're at a coffee shop she's standing in line next to you as you wait for your coffee you're both on your phones and then you turn to her and say hey excuse me miss what do you think should i get an iced coffee or a hot coffee i'm putting my coffee choice in your hands so it's a big decision very simple very normal question to ask somebody right it's not like you're Very simple, very normal question to ask somebody,

right? It's not like you're asking, you're not hitting on her. You're not doing some weird planned game thing. You're just literally asking a question that makes sense in the environment. It's just, it's just normal. Yeah. Normal conversation. Here's the really fun way to make openers creative and playful. And this is where approaching actually becomes something that you enjoy. What a concept, right? Enjoying approaching beautiful women. We'll get you there. But this is that. And when you enjoy it, that's when you go 30 for 30 instead of one for 30. But I love observing something that's just a little bit unusual in a situation and using that as an observational opener. So for example, yeah, so I'm trying to think of an example

that I haven't already used in the past episode. Oh, I was at Barnes & Noble once, and this woman, she was wearing like a coat, but it looked like a robe it looked like a jedi robe from star wars a little bit and i'm a total star wars nerd so this is very authentic to me but i i just saw her and i couldn't resist i observed her unusual robe and i came over and opened with something like oh hey i like, I like your Jedi master robe. The force is strong in you, isn't it? And she got it. Thank God she got it. English could have been her third language. It could have gone terribly. But she totally

laughed and got it. All I did is I observed,'s different here and how can I call out what's different about her, something she's doing, something she's wearing in a playful way. When you can start bringing playfulness to your openers, dude, you go to a whole other level of fun and then that's when things get great

or even greater. Anyway, one step at a time for you. My personality is very playful, so I find this kind of opener is very appealing. Yeah. That's a great... If I could boil down the right vibe for an approach in two words, it would be let's play.

Let's play. I'm here to play with you. Because that's what flirting is. Flirting is, in its essence, in my opinion, playful. It's light and playful. It's not informational and laudable. Right. Okay.

We have about 15, 10, 15 minutes left. We've got a couple other things to get to. You wanted to talk about texting and ghosting. What's your next question, sir? So, you know, I've really had a problem with keeping a conversation going until a date in person. Most times I can start a conversation great and it fizzles off after a couple of days or just don't quite get to the date in time. Okay, so it fizzles out over text before the date?

Right. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt, right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates

or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. And that's F-L-I-R-T-Y three zero. Datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your Flirty30.

And then the date doesn't happen? Is that what you've seen? Yes. Okay. Do me a favor. Give me a real quick overview of this happening with a woman recently. You don't need to use her name or anything but was it an internet match was it uh how long did you text tell me a quick little overview please so it was an internet match and everything was going quite well uh off a hinge and we hit it off and we're hitting on all cylinders in terms of common ground, what we have in common. And we had some great conversations.

We were excited about the date. And then maybe like four or five days in, it turned into, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship yet because something just happened. Significant. Gotcha. A couple questions then. So you matched with her on Hinge. Did you stay on Hinge the whole time

or did you get off of Hinge and get on each other's phones? Get off of Hinge. Okay, how quickly did you get off of Hinge? We were texting back and forth. Okay. Did you get off of Hinge pretty quickly? You know, a few messages, a day or two?

A few messages. Okay, good. Same night. Good, because you do want to get off of the app as soon as reasonably possible, which is good. Good job there. And then did you set up a date or try to very quickly? Not very quickly. More after like a day.

A day of texting on each other's phones after being on the app. Correct. Okay. And then you went for the date. Right. Do you remember? I think midway through the day. Okay.

So roughly like two or so. Here's my question. Ballpark number. Counting Hinge hinge your messages on hinge about how many messages do you think you send her before you asked her on the date probably like four or five yeah oh okay not that many great okay cool wasn't like excessive texting okay i thought you were gonna say 40 messages or something. That's okay. Okay, and then you asked her out, and then she said what?

And we were planning a day. I think it was for the weekend of the week we were talking. And then it got to like a day or two before, and everything changed. Okay, so you set up the date with her. When you asked her out, did she say yes and the two of you agreed on the what, the when, and the where? Yes, we did.

Okay. So you got it on each other's calendar, basically. Right. Oh, and then at the last minute she changed her mind. Right. And was there texting and messaging back and forth between the date being set up and then her changed her mind right and was there was there texting and messaging back and forth between the date being set up and then her changing of the mind was the conversation continuing or quite yeah it was definitely continuing quite quite well okay well in this situation you did

everything pretty much by the book i'm not seeing any issues that you had a little that you had a problem with her anyway, because you, you did the core basic things. Well, you got off the app quickly, which graduates you from other guys. She's messaging on the app.

All of a sudden you're on each other's phone, which is good. You went for the date. Great. And then she just, um, was it sort of random? She just randomly said,

Hey, you know what? I'm thinking I'm not looking to date right now. She just went like radio silent, like not messaging as much. And then just, yeah. Okay. And then she said, did she finally say, oh, no, I've changed my mind? Or did she just go totally quiet?

Oh, she messaged me and said that she changed. Yeah. Well, I haven't seen all these text exchanges, so you did all the core basics correctly. So what you could do is look over your messages with her and ask yourself if you followed what I call the, well, I don't really have a fancy name for it, but my texting framework, for lack of a better term,

I just call it give, give, give, ask. Meaning that most of my messages, most of your messages should be trying to give her value, make her laugh, make her smile, keep basically not always asking for what you want, just trying to make her feel good. And then give, give, give is how we keep a woman interested. And then of course the ask is the date we keep a woman interested. And then,

of course, the ask is the date. Did you assess your text messages with her that way? Yes, I did. And a lot of it was give, give, give, ask. Great. Then that's all you can do. I would say based on all conversations go like that. Sometimes I genuinely don't know what to say next. Okay. Well, did you send her a really good, classy dick pic like I teach? Just kidding. I'm kidding.

Like a nice Renaissance-style painting? Because most guys just send dick pics. Women want a Renaissance dick pic, a painting, something classy. Just kidding. Just kidding. No. All kidding aside, Matt, it sounds like you did everything by the book, a renaissance dick pic you know a painting something classy just kidding just kidding no um all kidding aside matt it sounds like you did everything by the book and sometimes you swing you shoot your shot and a woman flakes changes her mind for reasons that have nothing to do with anything that you said or did wrong right so in this case i would i would say you actually followed the follow it everything by the book.

If you want to send me your screenshots, let me look at some other messages just so I can see how you're talking to girls and see if there's any little blind spots there. I'm happy to do that. Absolutely. But no, it sounds like you're doing a lot of things very, very well. So this was a hint. Here's one last thing to consider. And again, I haven't seen your profile lately, but here's kind of a secret, not secret,

here's sort of like a hidden reason that women flake. If everything else is by the book, which it was for you, here's what it could be, And I can look at your profile later. It could be that your profile was enough to get her to match with you and obviously to message you, but she wasn't just as invested and excited as she needed to be in order to go on a date with you. Right. might take an eight or nine out of 10 for her to say, and I want to go on a date with him. So we, you could also look at your profile and see if there's any holes in your profile that can amp up a woman's excitement about meeting you. So sometimes it's actually relates back to her, to the profile and how excited and invested you get into it. Make sense?

Makes sense. Yeah. Think of it this way. Who's your dream girl? Like Hollywood actress or famous woman who, if she was single, it would be the dream to be dating her. Who would that be? I make a joke about it all the time, but probably Ariana Grande. Great. So if you matched with Ariana Grande, on a scale of 1 to 10, how invested and excited would you be about meeting her and dating her? Pretty psyched.

10 out of 10, fair to say? 11 out of 10. There you go. 11 out of 10. How good would her texting have to be? Probably not very good. It could probably be low-level texting.

If she broke all the rules, hey, how's your day? If she asked boring questions, if she was just kind of nice and normal, you'd still meet up with Ariana freaking Grande, right? Hell yeah. Because your investment level is 11 out of 10. Similarly, with a woman who matches with you on Hinge or any dating app, we want her to get as invested in us as we can based on, in large part, our profile. Great photos, just high value, authentic, just really getting excited about meeting you. And that way your texting doesn't have to be life-changingly great.

As long as she sees you as her 8, 9, 10 out out of ten option then she'll go on the date with you it's possible that maybe your profile could be strengthened and i can look at that some other time or you know after we chat here so that's that's what i would look at and if your profile is really killer then nothing then let go of it all it's it's on her not you definitely her loss one last thing is how would you keep the conversation going what are some messages to keep her interested before the date great question i like to i like to think of texting a woman leading up to a date as movie trailer coming attraction and the date is the movie yes so i like to do things like talk up play up the fun thing we're gonna do in a few days you know if you have a karaoke date

lined up i used to go on a lot of karaoke dates two or three days before, I might say, hey, you know what? I'm thinking we might want to sing Total Eclipse of the Heart. What do you think? What do you think? Total Eclipse or You're the One That I Want from Grease. And I get her excited about the date by talking about how fun it's going to be, for example. It's one way to do it. I'm kind of giving her a coming attraction for the date. Other things I like to do is I like to the day before or at the latest during

the... Actually, I would say one or two days before you could send a cheeky little playful cheeky message like oh hey, just so you know uh i just got a new haircut and i'm gonna be looking really cute tomorrow night so you better bring your a-game like a little a little challenging women like that shows a little edge shows a little confidence to

have to say that right a lot of lot of confidence. A lot of confidence. Or here's a favorite. This is old school. This is really old school, but I used to message, oh, hey. So I combined always being sincere, always being myself. But part of me being myself is cheeky and teasing. That's just me. So I'll be like, oh, hey, I'm super psyched to see you tomorrow night.

Finally, we're meeting up. Can't wait. So very sincere and teasing. That's just me. So I'll be like, oh, hey, I'm super psyched to see you tomorrow night. Finally, we're meeting up. Can't wait. So very sincere and real. And then I might follow up with, oh, by the way, make sure you wear something tight and low cut so we match. So just like you laughed right there, hopefully she'll laugh. And she'll know it's a joke but i'm also kind of not joking i would love for her to wear something tight and low-cut and so there's sort of like a fun i'm amusing myself and i'm trying to amuse her uh so i like to keep her interested with with jokes with fun little uh enticements about how fun that date's going to be, which I mean, or just anything else I think that she enjoys messaging about. So these are general copy and paste messages I've just shared with you. Please know that the best kinds of messages are going to

be more personalized. So the more you know about her, things she cares about, things that you know have already worked, or that you know about her from her profile, anything relevant to her will have more impact than something copy and paste generally. So for example, this is technically copy and paste, but you can tailor it for a woman. Let's say she's got a really cute dog.

A really cute dog. And maybe you've been talking about her dog because you've been getting to know each other. I've messaged women things like, oh, hey, Amy, I'm really psyched to meet you. But just so you know, this is all a ploy. And I'm really just trying to get you out so I can steal your dog. I just want to be honest about that because Molly should be with me, not you. Again, that's my sense of humor. You don't need to use my sense of humor, but please use the concepts of teasing, joking, sincerity,

thinking about texting. How can I keep us both having fun and looking forward to this date? And not only once you get good at this or better at it, not only will less women flake on you, but even better, they're going to be like, I can't wait to meet you. I'm so excited. A few years ago, it was right before I met my girlfriend, but a few years ago, I, actually, sorry, this is way back. This was many years ago, come to think of it. I remember the first woman who ever said to me, basically, I can't wait to meet you tonight. Or she said, I can't wait to meet your smart ass tonight, something like that.

And I was like, I've never had a girl say that. Usually I'm just desperately hoping they didn't cancel on me. I was like, wow, she's really excited. So yeah, and not only, first we want to reduce flaking and ghosting. And then, of course, then we just want to get them excited to go on dates with us. Last question for you that might be relevant to this topic. Do you confirm dates? And if so, how do you confirm a date, Matt?

I like to confirm a date by having, you know, a playful, fun conversation and play into there. Like if I find an interest of that person, for example, if she really enjoys bowling, and this is an example because I have someone know that enjoys bowling and is in a bowling league, I'll say, hey, so how about bowling on Saturday? I bet I can beat your score of 96. Nice. So that's how you set the date up? Yes, and then set up a time.

Great. yes and then set up a time or great so let's say you set up let's say you set that date up for saturday bowling on wednesday hypothetically okay yes as the date approaches on saturday do you confirm it in any way shape or form or do you or do you not it okay. I just want to give you a tip. Yeah, I confirm it by saying, I'm really excited to meet you at whatever time. Oh, like that day or day before? Yeah, day before. So you're like, oh, I'm really excited to meet you. See you tomorrow night, something like that? Yeah.

Okay, that's not bad. That's not bad. It's better than what some guys do, which is, hey, just confirming we're still on for tomorrow. So never do that, listener. Matt's not doing that. But don't ever confirm a date like you're confirming a business lunch with your accountant.

Hey, just confirming we're still on for dinner tomorrow night at 7. No, never do that. Do you know why? Pop quiz, Matt. It sounds too professional. Yeah. It sounds... Yeah, it sounds very professional, not man-to-woman, term I like to use.

And it also gives her an out. Because you're basically saying, hey, do you want to cancel on me? Here's your chance. Don't do that. And some guys might think, well, what's wrong with confirming? If she wants to see me, she wants to see me. Well, yeah, in a perfect world. But hey, a lot of women,

people in general, women in particular, make their decisions about kind of where they are emotionally in that moment. So on Wednesday, she was super excited about bowling with you. I don't know, Saturday, maybe Saturday morning, she wakes up. She's hung over from the night before, drinks with the girlfriends. She's kind of thinking a night, a night in might feel good. And then a guy says, Oh, we're still on for tonight. Then you're,

then he's giving her an easy out to say, actually, I'm really kind of feeling tired. Can we reschedule? So you're doing the right thing. You're, you're confirming in a way that's, that's positive and,

and I'm not super businesslike. What I like to do is confirm in a playful, fun way. Just like, oh, by the way, I can't wait. You already were doing this. I can't wait to absolutely destroy you at bowling tonight and show you how to pick up a 7-10 split. I hope you bring your A game, something like that. And any response to that, any LOL,

or any fun her teasing you back, that's basically her confirming the date. If you can't think of a funny, teasy, jokey way to confirm the date, bare minimum is you could do what you do, which is a great tip. Matt, just say, Hey, I'm super psyched to meet you tomorrow night. And then something like that, or one logical way you can do it, or it's not flirty, but it's better than nothing. Cause the last thing I want a guy to do is show up at the venue.

And then she says, Oh, I can't make it. That's the worst that's happened to me a few times back in the day. So the way to get bare minimum, you could say, you could literally move the time of the date a small, small amount of time. Like if you had eight o'clock drinks planned, you could say, oh, hey, by the way, I'm running a little bit late to look extra even hotter for you. Does 8.15 hotter for you um does 815 can 8 does 815 work for you so that's a good way to confirm that she will be there at 8 15 but don't move it like an hour but move it like a tiny bit

you could do that too like five minutes well i would five minutes is almost like absurdly short hey i'm running 30 seconds late can you meet? I would say 15 minutes at most a half hour at most, but I usually go 15 minutes. Like, oh, hey, I might be running a few minutes late. Blah, blah, blah reason. See you at 8.15 instead of 8. Cool? So you want that response, but you don't want to use the word confirmed. You just don't want to turn into that business lunch with your accountant Sheldon. That's not sexy. Okay, time for one last question, a 60-second tip. I don't know what the question will be.

Hit me. Anything else that's on your mind we didn't get to that I can answer in a minute or less? Fire away. How do you get the most attractive matches on Hinge? Ooh. The most attractive matches on Hinge, you need two things. You need really good portraits, two of them. Really good portraits that are taken by a good photographer where you're well-dressed and you're in a natural setting and you're smiling a real,

genuine, authentic smile. So you want to look your best, look great with two really good portraits. I like to test my portraits on photofiller.com. Photof.com gives you a focus group scores of photos from women. And that's a great thing to do before you put them on a profile. So if you take some new portraits, then test them on photo feeler to see what gets the highest attractiveness scores. So, uh, 51% or more of my matches on my dating profile come from my first two photos. So get two really good portraits. And the other piece of getting lots of great matches is humor. Having something on your profile that makes her laugh or giggle.

It's so important, so underrated. Because women like to laugh, of course. That's something. And by the way, I have a ton, ton, ton, ton of prompts on my Instagram, all my latest, greatest, funniest prompts that women like. The one that's working the best right now is, if you like tall, intelligent, charming, witty, sexy, smart, financially successful men who love dogs and kids, then you should meet my brother. Women love that one. A lot of women match with me.

LOL, can you hook me up with your brother? So that's how I make women laugh. And if you can make a woman laugh, not only does that make you a better catch, but a big reason some women ghost or go quiet, they don't go on the date, is here's what women hate. They hate boring, awkward dates. Boring or awkward. And if you have a couple of funny prompts, if you make her laugh once or twice on your profile with the right bio or prompts, then you remove that block that keeps her from

going out with guys because she's afraid of boring, awkward dates. Because here's what we want her to go, oh, this guy, Matt. Oh, good style. Cool job. Looks like a good guy, fun, cool lifestyle. Ooh, I like this photo. And then there's that prompt that makes her giggle. And she's like, well, I don't know if we're going to fall in love or not, but I'm not going to be bored. It's not going to be awkward because I can tell he's funny, got a good personality. So that's the importance. So great matches with great, beautiful quality inside and out women. It's about really good photos, especially portraits, and about some personality that makes her smile, laugh, ideally, so she can say to herself, this will be fun.

You may not fall in love, but we'll laugh and have a good time. That'll get you so many more matches. That makes sense. Cool, man. Hey, great session today. Thank you so much for checking in. Do me a favor. Shoot me your latest, greatest hinge. I haven't. Hey, great session today. Thank you so much for checking in. Do me a favor. Shoot me your latest, greatest hinge.

I haven't seen it in a little while. I'll look at it, see if I see any blind spots for potential things that could be causing women to match with you, but not keep messaging you or not go on as many dates. So please shoot me a message with your latest profile because that's what I like to do as your coach. Thank you so much for your help, Connell, the greatest and best.

Go on. I'm listening. Dating coach in the world. Ah, thanks. I'm only as good as my clients. I'm not a wizard. I'm just a dating coach. So I'm only as good as, I'm only as good as my clients. I'm not a wizard. I'm just a dating coach.

So I'm only as good as my clients. And you're why I'm so good. Because you're so good. You bring so much to the dating table. Love you, buddy.