How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - LIVE COACHING! What to Say When You Approach Women, to Be Charming and NOT Creepy

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

If you wonder what it’s like to work with a renowned dating coach, this episode is for you. Because dating coach Connell Barrett takes you “behind the curtain” and lets you listen in on a coaching session with his new client Ryan.If you’re like Ryan, you struggle with flirting, or you have self-confidence. Or you want to approach women but it’s difficult for you? You’re about to learn…• How to overcome “approaching anxiety” so you can meet some wonderful women• What to say when you want to approach and not seem creepy• The secret to self-confidence with women• How to flirt with women with charm, and no pickup tricks• How to gets dates in a matter of days!And a lot more.Listen to Connell’s live-coaching session with Ryan, as he has some BIG dating breakthroughs. It’s time to stop struggling in your love life, and to start attracting wonderful women, as your most authentic, confident self. Listen now!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC: www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"So the lack of eye contact comes from your social discomfort. With doing this combined with those confidence pieces of confidence kryptonite. Okay? It's gonna take time." -Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:00 - Introduction06:21 - Transforming Negativity into Positive Action06:54 - Identifying Confidence Kryptonite: Building a Strong Foundation13:23 - Discovering Areas Where You Feel Amazing17:13 - Energy, Eye Contact, Confidence: Women's Response20:38 - Extended Phone Sessions: Transformation and Confidence Talks24:24 - Flirting Confidently: Asking About Her Eye Color26:06 - Utilizing Colorblindness to Spark Conversations30:03 - Overcoming Worry, Self-Doubt, and Overthinking31:42 - Politeness in Approaching and Asking Someone Out38:02 - Embracing Internal Validation, Ignoring External Sources39:15 - Approaching: Not Weird, Actually Creepy Not To42:25 - The Risky, Yet Safe Strategy: Confident Approaches46:08 - Letting Go of Unrequited Love and the Past49:06 - Accepting Rejection, Focusing on Future Opportunities55:05 - Practicing Confidence: Voice, Approach, and Growth55:51 - The Admiration for Social Charm and Gentlemen56:10 - OutroProduced by Heartcast Mediahttps://www.heartcastmedia.com

Give me a number between five and 12. 12. Okay, guess how many girls you're gonna go talk to this week? 12. You said it. You said the number. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast.

Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right, welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Dating Coach, Conal Barrett, here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend. Find a great partner and do it with authenticity. No sketchy, weird, toxic pickup moves. And today's a special episode.

I love when we get to do coaching episodes because I'm going to guess that you're struggling or have struggled with some common issues. You've probably struggled with flirting or maybe you've wanted to approach women you see out in the world, coffee shop, the gym, maybe a bar, but you'd never do it or it's really hard for you to do it or maybe you just have never dated the kind of quality girl that you want. And you just want a great girlfriend.

You want a great partner. And if those problems sound like things that you want to work on and fix, then this episode is going to be really eye-opening for you. Because we're about to go behind the curtain. And you're going to listen in on a totally genuine, in-the-moment coaching call that I had with my client, my brand new client, Ryan. Ryan's a brand new client. He's in his late 20s. He lives in New York City. And he came to me with some of these problems that I just mentioned, approach anxiety, struggling with flirting, and a couple other issues that we get into. So you're going to get

a lot of fixes on this episode for these problems, because the things that Ryan is working on and is on his way to improving are things that you are going to resonate with as well, I'm sure. So here we go. You're going to listen in on a coaching call with my man, Ryan and myself, and we're going to take it away right now. Okay. Okay. That's the end of the intro. And now we'll just begin almost like we've just hopped on the phone and we did a couple minutes of small talk and chit chat. So let's get right to it.

All right, Ryan, let's talk about what are some of the things, what are some of the problems you're having in your dating life right now? How can I help you, man? One of the problems I'm having in my dating life is I'm not getting any dates at all. Okay. It's hard for me to approach a girl that I think is pretty. What else? I can't think of things to say or how to say them.

But if I do approach, I approach in a way that it's really, I seem very scared, I would say. Yeah, very scared. Like very like hiding like myself. It's like I have no confidence at all okay super soup oh go ahead finish your thought man oh sometimes i do i do have a little confidence and i go and i go for it but then like i get rejected so that's why i i uh uh that's why I think that helped with being scared to approach. Okay. Do me a favor. Tell me a little bit more about you and your dating history.

Since this is the first time we're talking in depth about your dating life. How long ago was your last relationship? When did that end? About two years ago. I had a girlfriend. I was with her for six years. Okay. So it's been two years since your last relationship ended.

Yes. Got it. Next question. In the last year, how many first dates have you had in real life? I would say in the last year, maybe like five or six. It's five. Five. Okay.

Five. Got it. And of those five, how many of those women would you categorize as quality, attractive women who you were interested in? I would say two. Okay. And of the two first dates you had with women you were attracted to in the last 12 months, how many of those two were clearly into you and wanted to keep dating you? Zero, one, two?

Oh, that, I don't know. I don't know if these girls like me. Like one of them was really nice, but she went back to Germany because she was from Germany. Okay. And she actually had a boyfriend, so, but she didn't tell me, but someone else did. Okay. A German with a secret boyfriend. Yeah.

Fair enough. And then the other one, I'm still sort of, like, in touch with her, but it's not like we ever did anything. And then she... Did you have second dates with either of these women? No. Okay. Just wondering. A good way to get clear on your current dating situation, which doesn't necessarily feel

good, but it is really important, is just to look at raw data and say, all right, five or six first dates in the last year, but only two of them I was actually into. And you did not have second dates with any of those. So it's kind of like the first day of a guy's physical fitness transformation. You want to lose 30 pounds, gain muscle. First, you got to take your clothes off, stand in front of the mirror, and look and see where your gut is. I'm not talking about you, bro. I'm talking about myself, actually. You got to look and see where the love handles are, where the weight is to be lost. Because it's good to get a little bit disturbed by your dating situation. So you can say, no more. I don't want to have a lack of dates. I don't want to

be stuck. I want to fix this. So thank you for the honesty, bro. And for just kind of getting real with where you are. I was in the same place when I was roughly your age. In my case, no dates, almost no dates at all in my 20s. One girlfriend who I wasn't really that into, so I've been there. Okay. Yeah, I read it in your book. Yeah, I talk about that, yeah. Yeah, the one woman I was into, I married her.

And then... I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you.

On your call, Conal or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self, so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you.

Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye.

She dumped me after. Months later. Sorry. Nine weeks later. Nine weeks later. Wow. I'm so sorry. That sucks.

That's all right. It was actually something that happened for me rather than to me. So I felt like a victim at the time. But the nice thing about a bad thing happening is you can transform that into positive action, which is what we're going to do before this call is over is making sure you've got a good action plan. Okay. So we kind of know where you are in terms of recent dating external results. Let's talk about what's happening inside of you. Let me ask you this question. There are four or five common stories that men tell themselves that hurt their confidence. This is like kryptonite for self-confidence. So what I'm going to do is read you, not read you, say to you four or five of these common pieces of confidence kryptonite. And if you would, tell me which of these resonate with you, okay?

Okay. And I'll go through all four or five, and then listen to all, I think I'll do four. Listen to all four, and then afterwards, tell me how many of these four resonate with you. The reason we're doing this is because what to say say how to say it the flirting moves are all great but if it's not built on a really confident

edifice then it's not going to work very well or for very long so it's good to understand where your confidence weak spots are so that we can change them okay all right here we go Number one piece of dating, let's call it confidence kryptonite, is feeling that you are just not tall enough for the kinds of attractive women you'd like to date. It's number one. Number two, feeling like you're not good looking enough. Something looks related is not enough for girls. That's number two. Number three is feeling like you don't have enough money or status or success in life. Number four is feeling like you just don't know what to say or how to say it, how to flirt. That's number four.

I'm going to give you a fifth. The fifth one is feeling like you just lack the charisma or you're just not, you lack the cool slash charisma factor that women want in men. So out of those five pieces of confidence kryptonite, how many of those resonate with you? Can you pick all five? Yeah, absolutely. I've heard that before. Okay, yeah? Can you pick all five? Yeah, absolutely.

I've heard that before. Yeah, I'll pick all five. Okay, fair enough. And which of those would you say is the biggest piece of kryptonite that gets you in your head? I think number three, not being successful enough for having enough money. Okay. Again, thank you so much, bro, for just being really honest about where you are with your confidence. There are very few things that are universally attractive to all women.

It's a bullshit myth that all women want good looking guys. Some do, some don't give a shit. It's a myth that women want tall guys. Some do, some don't give a damn. There's a lot of women are wonderfully complex in what they want. There's a lot of women are wonderfully complex in what they want and like something, there's something out there for everybody. However, every woman I would suggest, pretty much every woman on the planet wants a man with a lot of self-confidence who believes in himself. So if you are lacking in these areas, which sounds like you are, which I get it. I wrote the book on it, literally. Then it's good to just get clear on that. So I'm going to give you, before this coaching calls over, I'm going

to give you some confidence boosters, a couple of things to do and to start working on. But a lot of guys make a huge mistake when they try to fix their dating life. They say, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to flirt. Well, it's important to know the mechanics of flirting, but that's only 20% of winning at this game. 80% of it is feeling and absolutely knowing in your marrow that I am enough. I'm attractive. I'm awesome. I'm cool. I bring a lot to the table because let me, let me, can we do a little exercise? Okay. I want to ask you to do something, uh, right now. Um, wherever you're seated, however you're seated right now, I'm going to ask you to adopt a very small, low confident body posture. Okay. Slump your shoulders. Okay. Slump your shoulders and

use your voice in a way that just talk to me. Like you, when you, when you, when you're feeling really low, talk to me that way. How does that sound when you're feeling really low in confidence. Like this? I don't... I feel really low in confidence. Okay, cool. Now I want you to hold that position. Hold that vocal range. And I'm going to give you a pickup line to use.

It's a good pickup line. But I want you to say it the way you just said what you said in that low, I call that the lower self voice. So here it is. Ready? Mm-hmm.

So repeat after me. Hey, it's almost Christmas time. Are you on Santa's nice list or his naughty list? But say it in that lower self voice with the posture. Go. Hey, it's almost Christmas time. Are you on Santa's nice list or naughty list? Okay. Now, thank you for doing that. Now, come back to your neutral position. Please sit up straight. Talk to me a little bit more loudly make like imagine I'm with you and look at them look me in the eye how did that feel saying that with that small body and that timid little voice how did that feel to you

yeah like if I was a shy little boy right do you think a shy little boy using a good pickup line you think that lines gonna work on many women at any women maybe one would think it's kind of cute there was a little boy I don't mean I don't I don't mean literally a little boy you're a 20-something year old man okay okay sorry here right right like here let me do it to you real quick okay you pretend like you're a cute girl. You're in a bookstore or you're at a bar waiting for you to drink. I come up to you and I say this. Hi.

Hi there. Are you on Santa's naughty list or nice list? Huh? Did you hear me? Oh, I said, are you on Santa's nice list or naughty list how does that feel to you as i do this exercise i would feel like sad for you okay would you be attracted to me no not at all right you would not want to date with me you would not say wow who is this cool confident guy yeah no not at all got it let's do. Let's do the opposite. Here's what I want

you to do. Sit up nice and straight. Okay. Now I want you to tell me what's an area of your life. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women

and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can. Confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking.

Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps. And attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon. Or wherever books are sold. In paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today. To transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

Ryan, where when you're involved in this area, whether it's something you do like a favorite hobby or people you're hanging around, what's an area of your life where when you're involved in this area, you feel amazing? At least sometimes you feel confident, you feel yourself, you feel authentic, you feel like a badass. When does that happen? At least sometimes. When I was in school. Okay. I went to acting school. Okay. And I was really good at school. Okay. Very confident,

very cocky. Great. I want you to play a character for me for the next 30 seconds. I want you to play cocky, cocky, fun Ryan. Okay? Okay. This is a heightened, amplified version of you. Show me, I mean, tell me slash show me how he sits. What's his body position? Hold your body.

How does he sit okay head back wide shoulders right okay and give me give me a mantra that feels really confident and sexy it could be like i'm ryan i am sexy as fuck. Or it could be, yeah, I'm a cocky mother. I'm a cocky mother. What do you care? I don't know. You tell me. Give me something cocky that Ryan would say and say it like cocky Ryan.

All right. So, yeah, I'm the shit. Nice. I'm the man. Cool. I like it. Say that to me again. I want you to be 20% louder the shit. Nice. I'm the man. Cool. I like it. Say that to me again. I want you to be 20% louder.

Go. I'm the shit. I'm the man. Nice. Now say it just as loud. Say it with a smile on your face. I'm the shit. I'm the man.

Nice. Say it three more times and give me more certainty every time. Keep going. I'm the shit. I'm the man. Two more times. I'm the shit. I'm the man. One more time. I'm the shit. I'm the man.

Now I'm a girl at a bar. Walk up to me in the same exact way you just said it. I want you to say, hey, are you on Santa's naughty list or nice list this year? Okay. Do it. Are you on Santa's naughty list or nice list this year? Okay. Hey, are you on Santa's naughty list or nice list this year? Nice. Do it one more time. Even more. Just totally own it.

Go. Hey, are you on Santa's naughty list or nice list this year? Nice. I'm a little bit attracted to you right now, Ryan, a little bit. And I'm a straight middle-aged man. How does that feel? The way you just said that, how did that feel compared to the earlier exercise we did?

It takes me back to when I was in school. Okay. And it feels like I'm acting. Fair enough. You are. But yeah, it feels a lot more confident. Yeah. It sounded so much better.

Did it sound better to your ears? It did. It felt much better. And it felt good too. So here's a quick tip. If you ever want to, in the moment, jack up your confidence, at least momentarily, like, dude, what you just did there versus the timid little small Ryan, it was like five times better. And what women respond to, it's not the words as much as it is the energy, the eye contact.

You had this cocky smile on your face. I could hear it. And it was like self-amused. And it was really confident. And that's going to make a woman, when you walk up to a woman like that, as opposed to, hi, then the words don't even matter. She's responding to your voice, your sense of worthiness and your sense of value that you can bring to her life. Because basically you're saying to her, I can give you what you want more than almost anything else. I can give you a confident man. Does that make sense? Yes. Now what we just did is a quick fix.

Full disclosure, this does not fix the internal issue. The internal issue is you've got these internal stories that say, hey, I'm not good looking enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm not X, Y, Z enough. But in the moment, you can literally fake it until you make it. And at least when you approach that next girl, bro, stand tall, get your voice nice and loud. Ask yourself, how does cocky Ryan talk? And that will literally change the way you feel. It'll literally make you more attractive and magnetic to women. Now, I know it felt like acting to you. It's actually not acting. Technically,

you're doing an impression of your most authentic higher self, okay? But it's been so long since you've known this guy, at least in dating, that it felt like you were being somebody you're not. But I would suggest to you, you're actually being the real you because at your best you're when you're, when you're around people who really like you and you like them, like your best good friends, are you a little bit cocky, kind of fun, funny? Uh, not cocky, but like, uh, yeah, funny. And like, okay. Okay, cool. So anyway, the next time you go out to meet women or you want to approach a girl, much more important than any words you say is vocal tonality, standing tall, good posture,

and that will help inform the right words. So that when you say, if it's a funny line, like naughty or nice, it'll sound great. But even if you just walk up to a cute girl at a bookstore and say oh hey what are you reading it's nice to see that cute girls still read books then if it's coming from that confident place it's going to be so much more attractive to her wow okay questions about anything man let me know if this is making sense please ask away uh no i just really like what you said that pick up line it's nice to cute girl story yeah i love that one i love that um

that's a great line for bookstores if you do want a line it's uh what you see you know she's actually reading a book and you say hey it's it's nice to see that pretty girls still read actual books instead of just scrolling your TikTok. So yeah, that's a good one. Keep that line in your back pocket if that helps you. Okay, so we're talking about fixing your confidence from the outside in. Eye contact, voice, the way you stand. What you and I can do on a separate call, it'll be a longer session, is we'll talk about how to transform that internal confidence, because that's the really powerful thing. There's a whole podcast episode about this that I'll send

to you, or I do this with another client, and you can go through it, but we can also do it on the phone. So let's switch gears. Let's talk about maybe flirting. Want to talk about flirting? That's important to you, right? Or do you want actually, you know what? We'll definitely get to flirting, but I know that approaching is important to you. What else would you like to talk about in terms of problems that you have felt with approaching? How can I help you, man? I have a big problem with looking girls in the eyes. Is that part of lacking confidence? Probably. Tell me more. What do you mean by you have a problem with that? i forget to look like look them in the eyes like like sometimes i'll talk and i'm like staring down or something

or not looking but they say that i read that um eye contact is very important so i try to remember that all the time but um a lot of times i forget or i'm a little too scared to look in the eyes. Yeah, absolutely. Here's how important eye contact is, Ryan. Here's a quick story. There's a beautiful girl in Whole Foods, this is a few years ago, on a winter day, it was a January day, and she was dressed up, she looked like the cover of a J.Crew catalog, winter catalog. And I walked up to her and I said, hey, you look like a model on the cover of a J.Crew winter catalog. And she smiled and we talked and she really liked me. I thought that was an amazing line.

We went on a date and we were having a really great date. And on the date, I said to her, hey, by the way, what was it you liked about me when I approached you? And I was fishing for a compliment. I was hoping she was going to say, oh, by the way, what was it you liked about me when I approached you? And I was fishing for a compliment. I was hoping she was going to say, oh, you were so funny. Your line was so good. She said, oh, it's really simple. You stood up nice and tall and you looked me right in the eyes. And that was really attractive. Wow. Yeah. She barely even remembered what I said. I thought it was witty and cool.

I don't even think she remembered. But she did remember that I looked at her right in the eyes, and I essentially connected with eye contact and looking her and just sort of owning that space. So yes, you definitely want to make good eye contact with women. Do you feel like it's a confidence issue? Like it feels uncomfortable for you to do that? Yes, I definitely feel like it's a confidence issue. Okay. Everything is, or almost everything is. For the time being, before we go deeper and really

transform those internal stories from low confidence to massively confident, here's what I want you to do. Here's a two for one tip. In other words, it's two tips in one. The next woman you approach, I want you to do it this way. I want you to approach her by asking her what her eye color is. It's so simple. You walk up and you say, hey, can I ask you a question? What color are your eyes? You can't not look at her eye. In fact, I want you to approach the next 10 girls that way, okay?

Hey, pardon me, what color are your eyes? Okay. Do it with cocky Ryan's voice. I know you're not a cocky guy, but we're overcompensating with cocky to make you just come across as natural and confident. So anyway, the next 10 girls you talk to, I want you to go up and say, hey, what color are your eyes? They never get that question. So it's a good question to ask. It surprises her in a positive way. It's flirtatious. And nine out of 10 women are going to answer you and you're going to start a conversation. And you're going to be making

amazing eye contacts. So do this 10 times in a row. You'll probably get one or two phone numbers or at least have some really good responses. And then by the end of these 10, you're going to be like, Connell, I can't not look at women in the eyes. Okay. It feels weird not to look them in the eye. That's going to feel great, right? Yeah.

I can picture myself doing it right now. I love it. And by the way, the way you're laughing right now. I love it. And by the way, the way you're laughing right now and having fun with this, that is the great, that's the vibe to bring to the approach. I'm not saying you literally have to be giggling, but it's that sense of, oh my God, she's going to love this. Here I go. Oh, here she is.

This girl right here. Hey, excuse me. What color are your eyes? You're smiling. She's like, who is this? Who is this guy with the sly smile? Who's noticing? You're not even hitting on her. You're flirting, but you're not hitting on her. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. It's charming. It's not, hey, I like your tits. ass it's excuse me what color are your eyes i used to do this and uh so i'm colorblind i'm red green colorblind yeah thanks dad thanks denny anyway i got my dad's colorblind eyes and um i used to walk up to girls saying hey what color are your

eyes and then they would smile and say, oh, they're blue or whatever. And I'd say, oh, well, I just wanted to know because I'm actually colorblind. And I don't even know what color they are, but they're really striking. And then women are fascinated by my colorblind eyes. Like my girlfriend, Jess, she's constantly fascinated by what I see in the world. So anyway, I tried this out many times. And this drill works really well if you struggle with eye contact. So the lack of eye contact comes from your social discomfort with doing this combined with those pieces of confidence kryptonite, okay?

It's going to take time. You're going to have to monitor it, Ryan. It's not going to happen automatically. You're not going to instantly make eye contact with every woman. Give it some reps. Give it some time. And don't just make this a thing you do with girls. For the rest of your day today, when you're going to get Starbucks, when you're talking to your family, when you're hanging with your friends, make really strong, not even strong, just make simple connected eye contact with people. You'll get in the habit of it and it'll be a lot easier for you to fix this than you think. But it will take a little time. We've got to recondition new habits. Does that make sense? Yes.

By the way, what color are my eyes? i'm asking you on our zoom call here are i can't really tell i think they're hazel no i have no idea dude i'm colorblind don't you listen i don't know i don't know no i think they're hazel too, whatever that means. Yeah, it's hard to tell by the webcam. Yeah, that's okay. Okay, next question. You tell me. I just want to serve you.

I just want to answer all your questions, approaching, flirting, anything. Fire away. I don't really have any other questions. I mean, I can't think of anything. Okay, so your whole dating life is fixed in 28 minutes? No, not at all. Just going out, like just going out today and doing that line you gave me is going to be so hard for me.

It's going to. Why? Why is that line going to be hard? Tell me. You start thinking about like, man, this girl's going to think I'm a weirdo. She's going to tell me. Or she's going to be like, what's. I don't know.

She's going to. Yeah. You start telling yourself things like that. Right. This guy's a weirdo. Or or this guy what the hell's his problem or like like you know what i mean like uh it's or maybe or maybe oh i'll it'll work it'll work but then after that it'll go like completely like silence awkward because i have no idea what to ask after that or like what to say okay um uh because that's happened before um okay um let's talk about great you just you just asked me two great questions basically two topics so let's talk about what you just said

oh my god it's gonna be weird What if she thinks I'm weird? Right. Right? What kind of settings does this happen to you? Is it everywhere? Or is it like at a bar? Or is it a coffee shop? Where do you see women and sometimes think,

oh man, I want to talk to her, but man, she might think I'm weird. Oh, everywhere. Okay, for example. Give me two or three examples, please. the like in the train in the subway okay i'll see some girls sometimes that are they're really cute and they're like standing right like sitting right in front of me but then i'm like oh man this is gonna think i'm weird or like oh my uh my stop is like the next one so it's not it's not gonna work i only have like okay or maybe her stop is the next one, so it's not going to work. I only have a few minutes. Or maybe her stop is the next one.

Who knows? You know what I mean? You start telling yourself things like that. Or like, oh, there's so many people around. They're going to be looking, thinking you're a moron. Right. What else? Also, you you start thinking too like especially nowadays a lot of girls um like when i was in in school um because i'm technically still in school but

like i'm taking a break um but um in the past couple months, in the last year, I would say some things to girls in school and they would complain. Like, getting scared of like, oh, this girl's going to think I'm harassing her or something. What kind of things did you say? Nothing. I guess I overdid it with trying to be confident, so I would say, instead of being polite and stuff, I would say things like, I don't even remember, to be honest. Okay.

No worries. So a lot of guys – oh, go ahead. I think I figured out, like, not too long ago how to ask, like, a girl, like, how to be more polite and stuff like that instead of just, like, going, like, hey, we're going to go here and here. Or, like, I want to take you out, like, things like, like, I like, just, like, straightforward, I guess they don't like that, um, or maybe the way that I used to say it, um, because I was trying to be, like, really, really confident and manly, or, um, I don't know, but, uh, but there was one time in school, a girl didn't, I guess she didn't like what I said,

and she told one of the people in the admission office. So I got in trouble for that. Here's what can get a guy in trouble. There is nothing wrong with putting a flirtatious card on the table with a girl. That's not harassment. What is harassment is if she says, oh, I don't want this card. And then a guy puts five more cards down. That's harassment. But there is nothing weird or creepy about approaching a

woman and throwing throwing your hat into the romantic ring if she says if she keeps talking to you and she's enjoying you hey that's how people have been getting together for tens of thousands of years if she says hey I have a boyfriend or I'm not interested or I don't know thank you then you just say hey no worries have a nice day it'm not interested or I don't know. Thank you. Then you just say, hey, no worries. Have a nice day. It was nice meeting you. And a guy is not going to get into trouble. So please don't mistake an approach in and of itself with harassment. It's harassment. If you if she says no and you keep plowing forward, that's fucking creepy as hell. Fuck, that's stalking. That's awful. If you, not you,

Ryan, but the Royal you, the general you, if a guy, if a guy walks up and makes it all about her body, if he totally objectifies her and says, Hey, I just saw you. And I saw, damn your XYZ body part looks amazing. And you look at her like a piece of meat. That's creepy to almost every woman. If you walk up and you say something more G-rated and playful, light, and fun, like, oh, hey, it's nice to see that girls still read books. Does that sound like harassment to you? No. Right.

It's just putting a, putting a card on the table. If she takes the card or she puts her own card down, then you start playing cards. And if she doesn't, you say, Hey, it was nice meeting you. Have a nice day. But you, first of all, it's okay. It's okay to flirt with a girl. It's our jobs as men to take some chances it's their job as a woman to say either yes or no we lead the dance if she doesn't want to dance with us we say it was nice meeting you good luck no hard feelings because we want to leave a woman feeling good about the experience even if it's a thanks but no thanks does that make sense, man? Yes. Okay, cool.

Another question I have for you is, you tell me, are you weird? Yeah, I would say so. How do you mean that? Well, I'm pretty like a loner, I would say. Okay. You're introverted? Yeah.

Okay. So am I. How are you weird? When I say weird, I don't mean like quirky and interesting in your own ways. I mean, oh, that guy's a fucking weirdo. Are you that kind of weirdo? Oh, no, no, no. i don't know yeah most people good polite and nice good and i think you are too otherwise i wouldn't be coaching you i only coach guys who are awesome and who have a lot to offer women so good answer to the

weird question my next question is if you know you're not weird who cares what other people think about you being quote-unquote weird okay we can't here's a great rule of thumb I forget who said this I heard this on a podcast recently if you're not if a person's not going to attend my funeral, I don't care what they think of me. Oh, wow. If you're not going to be at my funeral, look, I wouldn't mind it if you liked me or thought I was cool, but I don't really care if you don't. So that's a great mindset to bring to approaching. Or when you hear that little voice in your head say, oh, dude, what if she thinks you're weird for talking to her on the subway? Ask yourself, are any of these people going to

be at my funeral? Am I going to go through life worrying about what other people think of me? Now you want to approach in the best possible way. I want you to be charming and I want you to make her feel good. When you approach a girl, would you agree that you have good intentions? Yes. Yeah. You want her to feel good about talking to you, right? Are you looking to give something and make her day a little better? It's not all about taking.

You want to offer something, right? Right. Yes. There's nothing. Not only is that not weird, that is a generous, higher frequency value offering place to come from. Now, some other person might look at your approach and they might judge in their subjective interpretation. oh, that guy's hitting on girls. He's weird. Is that possible? Yeah. But are those people going to be at your funeral? No.

Who cares what they think? Some of the most beautiful women I've ever met and dated came when I was out approaching, and I talked to three or four other women, and it didn't go anywhere and other people saw me judge me in some way shape or form and then that fourth or fifth girl really liked me and I'm all of a sudden I'm on a date with a beautiful gorgeous woman that night do you think on that date with that gorgeous blonde Russian model a woman I'm thinking of do you think I was

worried about the other people who saw me that day and might have thought I was weird? No. Nor should you be worried about them. It's so easy to become a validation junkie, wanting validation from other people or worrying about others' approval. And we don't want to draw our good emotions from external sources. Emotionally, you don't want to be a solar-powered edifice drawing your energy from the external sources. You want to be nuclear-powered from the inside. You got to draw your energy, your confidence from within yourself. And then when other people do approve of you, hey, that's great. That's a nice bonus. But we don't want to be overly focused on

what others think of us. Does that make sense, man? Yes. Can I tell you a story that I think might rock your world? Yeah, please. You might have read this in my book, but let me tell it real quick for those who haven't read my book. Here's why approaching is not weird or creepy. It's actually creepy not to do it. When I first went out into the world 15 years ago, I was out at a rooftop bar in New York City with my wingman friend. His name is Tyler. And Tyler looked over at this table and saw two really pretty girls, a blonde and a brunette, sitting with this big, muscly guy. And my buddy Tyler and I made a deal that night. He had to approach everybody I pointed him to, and he had to approach everybody he pointed me. I had to

approach everybody he pointed me to. So he said, go over there, sit down next to those two girls and that guy. And I had to do it. I promised him. So I walk over. I'm scared as hell. I'm so nervous. I'm thinking, oh my God, the guy's going to want to beat me up. He's one of their boyfriends. They're going to think I'm a weirdo. I walk over and I sit down and I give them the best, most committed opener I could think of. All I said was, hey, you guys, you seem friendly. How's your night going? And I sat down and the brunette, really pretty brunette, short brown hair, she leaned forward across the table. Her eyes got really big. And she said to me, oh my gosh, you just came right over here and sat down and talked to us. Do you know what you are? And in my mind, I'm thinking, I'm the creepy weird guy who's about

to get his ass kicked by your boyfriend. But I kept my cool. I didn't say anything. I said, no, what am I? She said, you're normal. You just came right up. Thank you. And then she said, she pointed to a different table, a different guy, also a ginger like me. She said, see that guy over there. He's just been staring at us all night and it's creeping us out By the way, the big muscly guy was totally cool. He was chill He didn't beat me up. He's actually fine. He wasn't even dating either of them and I got the brunette's phone number And I walked home that night and I realized wow Is it a little bit unusual to walk up to somebody you don't know and start talking? Okay, I admit it.

It's a little bit unusual. But is it creepy and weird? No. Not when you have good intentions and not when you commit to it. You know what's creepy and weird? Staring at a girl, wanting to approach her, and doing nothing. That's me. All right. So you tell me, Ryan,

are you committed to no longer being that creepy guy who stares and does nothing and thinks about it and worries and procrastinates and gets stuck in his head? Or are you going to take some authentic, courageous risks, walk up to women with full commitment, and let those chips fall? Who do you want to be? The second one, the latter. Guess who women love? That guy. Yeah, absolutely. One of the biggest epiphanies I ever have with approaching, bro,

is my old coach Owen turned me on to this. A guy named Owen Cook, classic old school pickup dude back in the day. He said, and I'll just paraphrase him, the big aha moment was with approaching, what feels risky is actually safe and what feels safe is actually risky what he meant was when you approach a woman with a lot of confidence and swagger and you really go for it in the moment that feels really risky but actually it's the smart safe strategy because it gives you the best chance for a good outcome because you're committing. However, if you play it safe and you stare at her and your voice gets timid and you say, hi, hi, excuse me, I just wanted to say hi, meet you, that timidity, that safeness is actually risky because you risk having a terrible approach.

You risk making her feel like you're not a man of value. Very high degree chance, very high likelihood that the approach gets rejected. So this is a mind melter. What you think is risky is actually really safe. What you think is safe is actually really risky. What are some of the favorite sports you like to play or to watch? Basketball. Cool. Who are a couple of your favorite basketball players? I'd like – who's my favorite of all time? I really like Chauncey Billups.

Chauncey Billups. What kind of game does he play? Is he outside shooter? Is he more inside? He was a point guard for the Detroit Pistons. Oh, right. oh right okay i'm a pistons guy back in the day okay think about chauncey or lebron or any player like driving to the hoop did chauncey billups when he would drive to the hoop did he go in all gingerly and and timidly or did he commit to the paint and go in? They committed.

They always. Yeah. Right. When LeBron goes to the hoop, does he go in full commitment or does he had do it half-assed and, and change his mind and then probably not do it most of the time. Full commitment. Exactly.

It's the same with approaching. You got to fully commit and by fully commit, I don't mean you yell and get weird and loud. I just mean you act like you belong there. Yeah. Yeah. You go in and say, hey, what's up? I just want to say hi to you.

You guys seem cool. You seem like you're having, you seem like a cool person. Or I like that book you're reading or whatever it is. So most guys don't approach. And because of that fear and doubt am i weird am i enough all those those confidence uh confidence kryptonite sticks a confidence kryptonite because of all that resistance that's what creates the the timidity and the creepy passiveness that gets an approach rejected. So you want to approach as if, assume it's going to go well.

Even if you don't believe it, just as a fake it till you make it trick, assume it's going to go well. Does that make sense? Yes. Okay, man, we have time for one last question from your good self. What other question might you have or what other dating problem do you really want to solve, get better at?

I think I have the answer to this one. But there was this girl I really liked, like I really, really, really liked in school. But somehow, she used to like me at first, but for some reason, I guess I said something or I did something that she doesn't reply to me anymore, like messages. So should I just let it, I should just let her go, right? I mean, it's not like I'm going to see her anymore to be honest

so great question when when you're hung up on a girl and a girl stops showing you interest I want you to repeat after me right now okay I am

confident Ryan I am confident Ryan there are I am confident, Ryan. There are a million more girls out there. There are a million more girls out there. And I have a lot more to give. Girls out there, and I have a lot more to give. Okay. Yeah.

Say it again. Thank you for writing it down. I love love that i love a good note taker and i want you to say it back to me right now if you would uh just give it back to me use that use that cocky confident committed authentic voice i am confident ryan and there are a million girls out there and I have a lot more to give. Nice. Give it to me one more time. Go.

I'm confident, Ryan, there are a million girls out there, and I have a lot more to give. Cool. Imagine you approach a girl, and she's not interested. What do you say? I'm confident, Ryan, there are a million girls out there, and I have a lot more to give. Imagine you have a date. You think it goes well, but she ghosted you. What do you say?

I am confident, Ryan. There are a million girls out there, and I have a lot more to give. Now imagine you have a date and it goes great. You make out. She's super into you. She can't wait to see you again. You can't wait to see her again. What do you say?

The same thing? Yeah. I'm confident, right? There are a million girls out there. And I have a lot more to give. And add one thing to that. And this girl who likes me is proof that I am enough.

That's awesome. Yeah. So here's what you want to do. Whenever you get a blowout, a ghosting, a girl loses interest, that's Hollywood, baby. That's part of dating. You don't get upset about it. That's Hollywood, baby. That's part of dating.

You don't get upset about it. That's like Tom Brady getting upset if he gets sacked. That's part of football. It's like LeBron getting upset when the ref calls a foul. That's part of the game. What you want to do is say, that's good. I'll get. There's a million more girls out there and I have so much more to give. And that keeps you focused on all your options to move forward. And then when a girl likes you, which absolutely will happen, dude, because you're intelligent, you're ambitious, you have a good heart, and there's a lot of things about you I don't even know because this is only our first session.

But when you do get those good results, then you remind yourself, hey, there's a million girls out there who are going to be into me and this girl is one of them. And this is proof that I am enough because our brains need proof that we're fucking awesome. We need those reference experiences. Let me ask you this. What's something in life that you are very good at or either pretty good or very good at it? I'm really, really, really good at acting and singing. I'm really good. Great. And I assume, so think of, what do you feel more confident about, singing or acting? I would say both, but the same. Okay, great.

Give me one or two specific reasons why you know you're good at acting. Could be like, oh, my teacher said I was the best, or I won an award, or I was in this show. Whatever your proof points are, what do you got? Oh, that's a good one. Okay. A famous actor paid for me to go to acting school. Oh man. Oh dude, that's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. So that's called, I tell myself that. Yeah. So that's a proof point of your value as an actor, okay? To build your dating confidence, what we want to do is start focusing on proof points, either past, present, or future, proof points of your worthiness to girls, okay? Just like, okay, maybe you haven't had something as powerful as the famous actor who paid for you to go to school. But give me one proof point from the past that makes you feel like, hey, some really cute girls are into me at first. Okay. So she showed interest. She showed that she found you attractive.

Great. You can use that proof point. And that's a nice way to look at a relationship or a possible relationship that ends is not to get upset about it and say, oh man, I guess I suck. She blew me off as to say, well, you know what? It didn't work out, but at least I know another cute girl was into me. And that's hard evidence that our brains need to build that internal confidence, that internal nuclear-powered confidence from inside. So those proof points are really powerful.

You don't maybe have as many as you have with acting, but that's okay. You just build it one at a time. And it only takes two or three new proof points to say, whoa, I just got a phone number from approaching. This is possible. Girls must like me. You can do this. Now, you haven't gotten that yet, or maybe you haven't. I don't know. We haven't talked. But every time you get a new proof point, you want to say, yeah, that's more proof of my worthiness. But on the path to that, you want to say, hey, this girl blew me off. That's okay. She saved me time.

I don't want to date somebody who's not into me. I want to find somebody who sees my incredible value and my worth. And there's a million more girls out there, and I got more to give because I'm confident, Ryan. Any other questions, man? No. I didn't think of anything. Here are your marching orders. Guess what you're going to do this week.

Okay. You're going to go out. Let's play a quick game. Give me a number between 5 and 12. 12. Okay. Guess how many girls you're going to go talk to this week? 12. You said it. You said the number. Okay. Here's the good news though. Remember,

but yes, 12 cute girls. Here's what I want you to do. Oh my God, this is amazing. So you're going to go talk to 12 cute girls. Your only criteria for success though, is that you walk up and you say, Hey, excuse me, what color are your eyes? Okay. You can, you can do that 12 straight times. Okay. If you want to, now you can change the line. If you want to say something different, you can. But I want, and your only criteria for success is this. Sorry, there's three criteria for success. Number one is that you do 12. Number two, all you have to do is break the ice and she hears you. I don't care if she talks to you. I don't care if you talk for five minutes, five seconds, or five hours. So these can be very short. Okay?

These can be very short. Hey, excuse me, miss. What color are your eyes? And then she answers you. Boom. That's one. Done. Okay.

I'm not saying you have to bring back her lingerie to me, you know, as proof. Okay. Bonus points if you bring me her lingerie. All you got to do is hit these 12, do 12. So it's 12, criteria success point number one, 12 opens in the next seven days. Number two, open her that she hears. Number three, eye contact and be louder. Be as loud as you can without yelling at her. Just let that, remember that voice we did earlier, that confident Ryan voice, make sure she can hear you. Because when nerves kick in with approaching, it hits our voice first. So all you got gotta do is walk up to 12 women and say excuse me miss what color are your eyes with a little smile good vocal tonality by the end of next week you are gonna be so much better at this than you've ever been in your whole life and you might

have some phone numbers and dates too but I I guarantee you, you're going to have more confidence. You're going to have momentum. And one last little tip, just in case you're worried about coming across as weird, in the daytime, it's great to start off by saying, excuse me, miss. That's very gentlemanly. It's very socially charming. Hey, pardon me, miss or excuse me, miss creeps. Don't say that, but you're not a creep. You're a charming gentleman. So those are your marching orders and we can pick up from there next week.

Sound good, man. Yeah. Thank you. You got it. You got it. All right. Thanks brother.

Until we speak again, hold the line for a second, but great job today, man. You crushed it. Thank you. Thank you for everything. My pleasure, bro.

Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.