How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Revealed! The 4 Pillars of Instant Dating Confidence

Starting point is 00:00:00 Basically, thinking of it like chocolate, money, sex, puppies, something you can never have too much of. You can never have enough confidence. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, Conal Barrett. I'm

Starting point is 00:00:25 a dating coach. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend, all by being radically authentic. Your true most confident self. There are no take twos on this podcast. We're doing it live. Thanks for being here today. And it's funny that confidence was the word I just tripped over because actually today's about confidence. Today is about the core, the three, four, maybe we'll get to five pillars of dating confidence. Odds are you don't have as much confidence with women as you would like. You probably want more. It's really common for guys who are single out there looking for love, dating, to struggle with confidence. You struggle with what to say, perhaps. Or you, in theory, like you're a good, attractive guy, a good catch. But something about when you're actually around a woman you find intriguing and attractive,

Starting point is 00:01:33 you get in your head, you feel like she's out of your league, or you're not confident in what to say or how to basically project yourself and talk to her, connect. So if you struggle with confidence, or if you just want more confidence, then today's episode is definitely for you. Because let's just get right to the point. Confidence, you can never have too much. It's like chocolate, or or vacation days or Beatles documentaries. You can never have too much confidence. You can always have more.

Starting point is 00:02:11 And I would like to give you basically the, let's narrow it down to four. I'm going to give you the four pillars of dating confidence and give you some practical tips for how you can actually put these pillars, erect these pillars. I said erect. How to erect these pillars in your dating life so you can feel a lot more confident and basically have some great dating success. So let's just get right to it. Pillar number one, and this is the cornerstone of mindset, of a good, strong mindset. It's also the cornerstone of what I do with my clients. First thing you want, the first pillar is a rock solid sense of your own worth and value to women, your worthiness

Starting point is 00:03:00 to, and I should say worthiness of women, your attractiveness to women. That's the first thing we want to put in place. Because if that pillar is not there, if you feel or fear that maybe you're just not enough for the kind of woman you'd love to end up making your girlfriend, your partner, your wife, then all the lines I can teach you, all the quote unquote moves, all those things are going to be built on quicksand. We've got to build all of the game mechanics, flirting, what to say moves on a real strong, solid foundation. And that first foundation is about understanding that you have value. You are enough. You are very attractive to a lot of quality women. Not all of them, but a lot of them. So what I'm going to ask you to do after this podcast is over

Starting point is 00:04:00 is I want you to go back several episodes and find the episode where my client Nick and I isolate and destroy his biggest limiting belief and replace it with a core belief about Nick's worthiness and attractiveness to women. It's a long, not long, it's about a 25, 30 minute process. It's what I do with all my clients. But the how-to of doing it is in that episode. The benefit of it is what I'll talk about right now. So when you walk through the world, knowing, feeling that, hey, I am very attractive to lots of wonderful women, and you have a lot of reasons for it, and you just know it in your marrow, you aren't just more confident, but you are calmer. You're not needy. You're not overly eager.

Starting point is 00:05:02 You're not nearly as worried about how a date goes. You might want it to go well, but you're not super stressed about it. You're not walking on eggshells around women because you have that core sense of your worth and value. So it's good to get clear on what, and this is what I do in the episode with Nick, get clear on what the single biggest belief is that you feel limits you. You want to uncover it and you want to replace it with a really truthful, empowering, great feeling belief. So for example, my belief way back in the day when I was first getting into this area of learning about women and dating, I struggled with confidence. I was in my late 30s,

Starting point is 00:05:46 mid 30s, mid to late 30s. And I just felt like, you know, I'm a nerdy introverted ginger. I'm just not what women want. I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Connell Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self,

Starting point is 00:06:51 a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you then you'll be on your way to more confidence better results and attracting bright beautiful women oh so you know

Starting point is 00:07:20 soon connell will stop taking on new clients so So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. Women want outgoing alpha males. I'm a nerdy, introverted, nice guy, ginger, not what women want. So that belief was, that belief led to my inaction. I did not approach. I did not take action. The few dates I had, I wasn't very confident on those dates. Women didn't like that.

Starting point is 00:07:55 And they might have liked me as a person, but they could tell I just did not believe in myself. So that was my old belief. My new belief through a process that I basically put myself through, along with taking a lot of action, my new belief, the one that supercharged me. And once I started to really see it and feel it, it changed everything. My new belief was, hey, I'm successful, funny, intelligent, and a pretty good sense of humor. And a lot of women like guys like me or love guys like me. Now, both of those two things cannot be true. And my psychology, my brain chose to choose the second one, first of all, because it felt a

Starting point is 00:08:46 lot better, but also because it was empowering and also spurred me to action. And it was also true. So I got to go out into the world, approaching women, going on dates and saying, hey, let's test drive this new belief. And I found out that it was true. There are plenty of women who want to date guys who aren't like me, but there's lots of women who like intelligent, witty on my better days, successful, big hearted, nice guys who are funny and also really good at flirting. That's something I've gotten great at as a dating coach and as a single guy or formerly single guy. So anyway, that's my new belief. So number one rock solid pillar here of confidence is identifying what makes you feel unworthy of quality, incredible women, isolating that belief, disproving it, and then replacing it

Starting point is 00:09:43 with a belief that feels so, so much better. So go back and listen to the episode with me coaching Nick. It's a live coaching episode, and I'll take Nick through the process, and you can follow along and get the same confidence benefits that Nick got. And just a quick sidebar here, why do we talk so much about confidence? It's because there are 4 billion women in the world, and I would suggest that every single woman in the world who likes men is attracted to confidence. I've never met a woman who doesn't like confidence. Some women like tall guys, some like short guys, some like brash, some like sweet, some like introverted, some like naughty, some like bad

Starting point is 00:10:31 boys, some like sweethearts. There's a lot of variation out there, but 100% of straight, single women like a man who's confident. So you want to make sure that you have bedrock, bulletproof confidence on dates, approaching women, talking to women. If you have that bedrock confidence like we're talking about today, those four pillars, then you're going to be effortlessly magnetic and attractive to a lot of women because they all want it. They all like it. Whether or not they like your type, they're going to like your confidence. Okay. Pillar number two is an extension of pillar number one. Pillar number two is what I call internal abundance. So in pillar number one, we want that core statement of your worth, core belief about your worth and value to women. Pillar number two is you want an abundance of reasons you are worthy of women or have lots of traits, valuable traits that women are going

Starting point is 00:11:42 to like. So here's what I want you to do. This is so simple. You can do it right now before the pod is over. This has such a fast positive effect on guys who do it. It'll take you about 10 minutes, maybe 15, 20 max, is write out what I call your awesome 25, the awesome list. Write out 25 specific reasons, specific things about you that make you a great catch for a lot of women. 25 things. And the only rule here is they have to be specific, relatively specific. And they have to be specific, relatively specific. And they have to be true, of course.

Starting point is 00:12:28 And I think what you'll find when you do this exercise is it might be hard at first because you're going to have a higher bar. You're like, oh, well, I don't have a million dollars in the bank. Oh, man. I'm not six foot six. No, no, no. Don't think what society tells you you need to have. Just brainstorm specific things, even small things that make you a good catch. So for example, here's some from my list and also from some clients I've had recent conversations with. It can be as simple as I have a steady job. I'm financially stable.

Starting point is 00:13:08 If you're not financially stable, let's say you're in school, you're in college. I have a great, ambitious career plan. I'm studying hard. I'm going to be successful. It could be I'm good in the kitchen. I can make a mean plate of French toast. I make an amazing omelet, perhaps. It can be I have a good sense of humor. My friends find me funny. It could be I had one client who wrote down, I have a really cool car. I love my car. I have a cool sports car. I have a convertible. It could be, we want most of these traits to be behavioral things or qualities about you. It could be, I speak two languages. I'm a good listener.

Starting point is 00:13:54 It could be, I love to read. I love to travel. If you love to travel, put that on your list. Because is there a woman, is there a single woman out there who doesn't like a guy who travels? Very few, if any. Maybe you love to travel. I'm a good son. You could put that.

Starting point is 00:14:09 I'm a good son, loving brother, friend. Again, the more specific you get, the better this is going to feel. My list has things like, I'm an author. I'm a successful business owner. That feels great. I'm witty on my good days. I'm always growing. I'm always growing. I'm reading three different self-help books right now. I care about my clients and I love my clients. That makes me feel just worthy and a high value guy. What else? Fitness. If you're into fitness, you can say, I work out regularly. I'm watching my waistline. I'm losing weight or I'm building muscle. So literally write out 25, at least 25 specific things that make you a good catch.

Starting point is 00:15:07 Oh, another thing you can do is I encourage you to look up a poll done by a health app called Clue. There's a poll by Clue. This health app commissioned a survey of 64,000 women, single women, and asked these women what they want most in a relationship, in a man. And you're going to be amazed on what the top four are. They're not good looks. They're not tall. It has to be tall. It has to be rich. It has to be tall, has to be rich, has to be charismatic. Number one is kindness. Are you kind? Put that on your list. Number two is intelligence. Are you intelligent? Put that on your list. Number three is, I believe, well-educated. Are you well-educated or are you

Starting point is 00:16:02 working on your education? Put that on your list. By the way, number five on the clue poll is confidence. So maybe that's an area, a growth area for you. Fine. That's probably why you're listening to this pod. But know that number five is something that will actually grow and grow and grow if you want it to, especially if you put these four pillars in place. So anyway, go to the clue. The clue poll is fascinating because it talks about basically what women want. And it's not looks, it's not money, it's not all the things that society or

Starting point is 00:16:36 that your lower doubtful self might tell you. It's things that you might already have. And if you're intelligent, if you're well-educated, if you're kind, if you're big hearted, you already have a lot of worth to women. So write out that list. The reason why it's going to be so powerful is this. You're going to write out this list. Then I want you to look at the list and I want you to read all 25 out loud. We need to say them out loud. That's going to fully shift your focus to these awesome things about you. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book,

Starting point is 00:17:39 Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking always know what to say to make sparks fly get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman you can find dating sucks but you don't on amazon or wherever books are sold And after you write this out and say the list out loud, check in with yourself and ask yourself, do I feel more confident, more hopeful, better now than I did 20 minutes earlier before you did the exercise?

Starting point is 00:18:57 I can almost guarantee you 99% certainty that you'll feel more confident and more hopeful. That's because at any given moment, your confidence or lack thereof, your good emotions or bad emotions, they're going to come from what you focus on and how you interpret that focus. In other words, what you look at and how you basically judge or analyze that. And so what this exercise is forcing you to do is it's forcing you to say, here's why I'm a damn good catch. And wow, look at all these reasons. I do have a lot to offer.

Starting point is 00:19:37 I have an abundance of good things. And so you'll feel better and you'll feel more confident. What you're probably doing most days is you're probably, whenever you do think about this area, you're probably thinking like, oh man, I wish I was taller. I wish I was better looking. Why do these other guys get all the hot girls? Why me? What am I missing?

Starting point is 00:20:00 What do I lack? What's wrong with me? Why don't I have a girlfriend? Why haven't I had a date in a year? Or why have my last three dates put me in the friend zone? That's probably where your focus goes if you're like most guys. And what I want you to do is stand guard at the door of your mind and basically say, hey, here's 25 things that make me a great catch. So instead of focusing on what you think you lack, you're focusing on what you know you offer. And this will feel incredible to you.

Starting point is 00:20:37 And your brain will start to say, you know what? I really am enough. I really am the shit. I'm a great guy. My true, best best authentic self is a great catch. Maybe not for every woman on the planet, but damn it. I have a job. I have a great heart. I'm a good son. I work out. I'm working on myself. I listen to this Ginger's podcast, trying to improve. I got a lot going for me. And then you'll feel pretty damn good after that. You might feel amazing after that. So that's pillar number two. Pillar number two is growing the internal abundance of what makes you a good catch. Basically thinking of it like chocolate,

Starting point is 00:21:18 money, sex, puppies, something you can never have too much of. You can never have enough confidence, and you can never have enough reasons why you are a damn good catch for women. So write your awesome list out and add to it. Add one thing to it every day and look at your awesome list every day. If you do this, think about this. A year from today, hell, six months from today, if you add one thing to your awesome list every day and you're looking at it every day, six months from now, six times three, 180, you'll have 200 plus reasons why you're an amazing catch, a good catch for women. There's no way your confidence will not be transformed. There's no way. So start doing your awesome list. Do it now. Or actually, wait till the pod's over, then do it. Okay, pillar

Starting point is 00:22:12 number three of confidence. So we got pillar number one. We got that worth statement, that worthwhile, I'm significant, worthy, I'm enough statement. Let's call it the I'm enough statement. Pillar number two, the internal abundance, as just stated. What's number three? For number three, in terms of confidence, I like to talk about external abundance. That is really going to change the game for you. Once you realize because pillar one and pillar number two are now in place, and you're feeling, hey, I feel worthy. Hey, I feel like I have a lot to offer. Then pillar number three is getting in touch with your external abundance. What do I mean by that? Knowing that there is a literal abundance of quality single women out there

Starting point is 00:23:07 for you to potentially meet and to date. You can date and attract lots of incredible women. I'm not saying you have to be a playboy. I'm not saying you have to date five women at once. You don't need to be like me. You don't need to be a psycho dating coach. Not psycho, but you know, I got really obsessed with this. I became a dating coach 10 years ago. I started working in this area 18 years ago. 2005 is when I first started actively working on my dating life.

Starting point is 00:23:40 Bro, I used to have spreadsheets of all the women. was like okay here are the five or six women i'm dating here are the three or four women i'm kind of pursuing here are my seven top leads on match.com here am i i used to have a spreadsheet of like so many different girls and with with specific details about each because I was afraid of calling the wrong girl by the wrong name or being out with Kelly saying, hey, how's your dog Buster doing? And then Kelly saying, what are you talking about? I don't have a dog named Buster and realizing, oh shit, that was Stephanie.

Starting point is 00:24:18 Like that was the kind of stuff I was, this is the first world quality problem I had once I got into that dating abundance. My point is you don't have to have spreadsheet level external abundance. You don't need to be like me if you don't want to. You can, but you don't have to be. However, here's what you do need for that confidence. You need a true feeling of, oh, whoa, there's a lot of women out there who might want to date me. How do we get that abundance? You go out and get it. Well, first of all, you just give yourself

Starting point is 00:24:53 the story that this makes sense, right? Pillar number one, I'm worthwhile. Pillar number two, I have all these reasons I'm awesome. That leads to pillar number three. Therefore, I must have a lot of great dating options. And once you have abundance, once you, and you get actual abundance, actually meeting and dating multiple women, or at least getting your brain to see that multiple women are into you, you get that from having a great dating profile, swiping, learning how to have a kick-ass profile. Check out my book and my online dating chapter in my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. I have a mega chapter all about how to build a great dating profile. So you can get that from tons of matches. You can get that from going out day or night, go out, start approaching women, socialize,

Starting point is 00:25:47 get some dates and leads that way. And all of a sudden your brain says, yeah, I have abundance. And external abundance really, really helps to land this plane of confidence, the confidence plane, because then you get real hardcore proof. What I want for you is to get to that point where you say, okay, I got my second date with Stacey on Friday. Boy, she's a great kisser. And then Saturday, I'm really excited for my first date with this new hinge match. And oh yeah, and then I grabbed that woman's number at the grocery store. We've been texting. She's giving me lots of winky emojis and it's going great with her. Then your brain says, whoa, I have abundance. I remember when I truly first felt abundance. Well, when I felt it for the first time. I was about a year into working hard on my dating life. I was in my

Starting point is 00:26:48 mid-30s, and I had spent 35, 36 years feeling like, I'm a nerd. I'm a dweeb. Girls don't like me. I have few options. And I started going out, taking action, putting things into practice. And I started doing pretty well on the dating apps. I take that back. It wasn't an app. It was match.com back when people met on actual websites. I'm old. I used to take a horse-drawn carriage to dates.

Starting point is 00:27:19 That's how old I am. Anyway, so I remember I had three dates and three different nights. I had three straight first dates. I remember it was a Thursday, Friday, Saturday. A first date each night, each with a cool, interesting, smart, attractive woman. And each one ended in a hot, steamy makeout. And I remember walking home that third night. I was buzzed. I remember drinking a couple of Chimay beers. So I was kind of buzzed from the beer and buzzed from her lipstick and smell and kissing her. And I remember walking home just thinking, wow, I didn't know I could do this. I didn't know women like me as much as they do. It was a really

Starting point is 00:28:11 powerful moment for me. And that was my first window into what I call external abundance. And when you have external abundance, your confidence goes to an even higher level. Because not only do you see and feel that internal value you offer, but you also see, hey, you know what? No matter what happens with this date or this approach, it's okay. I got more options. And that takes so much of the pressure off. It takes so much of the pressure off because you will have dates. You'll definitely have approaches that don't go anywhere in terms of a result. And that can sting in the moment. But then you can say, that's all right. I have an abundance of options here.

Starting point is 00:28:55 And that's a pretty powerful moment for a man. And I can't wait till you get to that moment of abundance, external abundance. Okay, and then pillar number four of confidence, and we'll wrap it up here, is a very simple practical pillar. And this is more situational pillar. And this situational pillar is to fall in love with process. In other words, gain your confidence from controlling the controllables, especially with first dates and with approaching. So we want to control the controllables and gain your confidence and certainty in you are doing all the things in your control to make a date go well or to have a good approach. So what do I mean by the controllables? Well, what do most guys do? Let's take a first date, for example. Most guys go into the date and they say, well, I really want it to

Starting point is 00:29:58 go well and I really hope she likes me and I hope I say the right things. And if she likes me and wants a second date and we make out, then I'll feel happy. But if she doesn't, she's not into me, if I get friend zoned, then it's a failure and that's going to hurt. And what that binary win loss approach does to your confidence in that situation is it makes it very fragile, makes your confidence very fragile. It turns your confidence into a delicate piece of crystal instead of a piece of steel, which is what we want it to be. So beware of the need for an outcome. Wanting an outcome is fine. Of course you want a first date to go well, but you don't want to need it. You can't make a first date, or for that matter, an approach, a win-loss proposition. What you do instead is you fall in love with process,

Starting point is 00:31:02 routine. In other words, the things you can control. You control the controllables, to quote a master's champion golfer named Jordan Spieth. Jordan Spieth used to say, hey, I don't worry about Tiger. I don't worry about Phil Mickelson. I just control my controllables. I just swing the club, hit the ball. Whatever's going to happen will happen. And you can take the same approach. That's my country Texas accent. And you can take the same. I want you to take the same approach to dating, especially to first dates and approaching. Say to yourself, all right, what can I control? On a first date, I can control looking my best. Great style. I can control the venue, choosing a great spot, assuming she signs off on it,

Starting point is 00:31:46 which almost all women will. Women love a man with a plan. I can control when I get there. I can control, within reason, you can control what you talk about or at least influence it. I don't want you to be a controlling guy. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying control the conversation, but you can monitor what you and she are talking about on the date and say, hey, this topic is not a good topic for the date. Let's switch it to a more fun, flirty topic. Anyway, you can control or at least influence the conversation threads on a date. You can control whether or not you go for a first kiss. You can control saying flirty things, taking some romantic risks. So your criteria for a successful first date is

Starting point is 00:32:34 not, does she like me or does she not? Don't bring a daisy or a flower saying, she likes me. Pluck. She likes me not. Pluck. Don't be that guy. Don't do that. Actually, that'd be pretty funny if you actually brought a flower to the date, started picking the petals off. Instead, give yourself, decide that your date is a success if you do and focus on all the process-based controllable things. This will relax you. It'll basically let your brain say, you know what? I did everything I could do. It's outside of my control. I can let go and just get present with her and let the chips of chemistry fall where they may. Yeah, so the reason I mentioned the golfer Jordan Spieth is you might be, if you're a fan of sports

Starting point is 00:33:31 and like, you know, are into sports, I used to be, I'm a big sports fan. You'll see some parallels here with the mindsets of what I'm talking about with the mindset of champion athletes. The best pitchers in baseball, all they really care about is throwing the ball, hitting the mindset of champion athletes. The best pitchers in baseball, all they really care about is throwing the ball, hitting the catcher's mitt. They don't really worry about whether or not they strike the batter out. Of course, they want to strike the batter

Starting point is 00:33:55 out, but Hall of Fame Dodgers pitcher Oral Hirshhiser used to just say, all I do is follow my process. I just throw the ball at the mitt. Top golfers like Tiger Woods, Jordan Spieth, all they ever talk about is, oh, I just follow my routine. I just swing the club. The ball's going to come down somewhere. Basketball players, LeBron James, Michael Jordan, they all have a variation on a theme here. They fall in love with process, routine, the controllables, and then the results will take care of themselves. Sometimes they'll get the result. Sometimes they won't. But their performance will be at their best and their confidence will be at their best. So that's the fourth pillar, which is whatever dating experience you're in, an approach, a first date, hell, even texting a woman on a dating app,

Starting point is 00:34:47 messaging back and forth, just focus on what you can control. Keep it about controllables or things you can largely influence. As long as you're doing these most important things, you'll feel a lot more confident and certain. And that frees you to let go of how the result goes. Okay, those are the four pillars of dating confidence. Thank you so much for listening. I really liked this episode. I hope you liked it. I tried to really hone in on the inner game piece of this because that's so important

Starting point is 00:35:19 because that inner confidence, it informs the external mechanics, the flirting, the what to say, the how to say it. A lot of guys come to me and say, what do I say? What do I say? What do I say? And what you say is not unimportant, but how you feel about yourself and your worth and confidence and your internal and external abundance, that is going to speak louder than any flirtatious line could to a woman. And remember, every woman on the planet is attracted to a confident man. And don't forget that your dream girlfriend is already out there.

Starting point is 00:36:03 She's out there somewhere and she already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you and the most confident you. Okay. Till next time. Adios. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Revealed! The 4 Pillars of Instant Dating Confidence

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.