How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - “She Dumped Me for Her Ex! What Am I Doing Wrong?” Your Trickiest Dating Questions Answered

Episode Date: November 6, 2025

Have you ever liked a woman who chose a total jerk over you? It stings and makes you wonder, “What does he have that I don’t?” In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett helps a listener learn why the woman he was dating went back to her toxic ex—and what to do differently to attract the wonderful relationship he deserves.Highlights of this Episode:01:31: The Real Reason Women Sometimes Choose Jerks Over Good Guys07:12: Why Nice Guys like You Can Date Wonderful Women—If You Do One Thing26:15: How to Fearlessly Ask Out Your CrushTO TAKE YOUR DATING RESULTS TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL, BOOK A FREE CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN ABOUT 1-1 COACHING: http://www.DatingTransformation.comEMAIL CONNELL FOR A FREE COPY OF HIS NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”: [e-mail]

by the way, the only thing the red pill guys are sleeping with is their Xbox. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates, and find an amazing girlfriend. And to do it with authenticity, I'm all about helping good, solid, nice guys, gentlemen, find love, find relationships by being authentic without having to use weird, creepy, sketchy pickup artist moves. Today's episode, I've got three burning questions and burning problems that men reached out

to me for help with. So if you struggle with getting ghosted, listen up. If you don't know how to talk to women or don't know how to flirt and take some chances when you do talk to an attractive woman in the real world, today's episode will help you out. And we're going to start with a question all about asking the question, am I too nice? Do women even want nice guys? As being nice, unattractive to women. So if you've ever worried that maybe you're too nice, that you need to be a jerk, then listen up. So here we go. Let's take three really great questions from listeners. And by the way,

if you have any dating questions for me that you want me to answer on air, just email me at Connell. That's Connell at datingtransformation.com. So that's Connell, C-O-N-N-E-L at datingtransformation.com. Okay, here comes the first question. Hey, Connell, I was seeing a woman. Things were going great, but last week she ended it. She told me that she's, quote, not looking to date right now. A couple days later, I was up late on Instagram and I saw that she's back with her ex who had cheated on her. I DM'd her for answers and she said, you're just too nice. And now I feel crushed and confused. Am I supposed to treat people badly? Do women even want good guys? Signed frustrated in Phoenix. All right. Well,

first of all, I think Instagram should come with a warning label. Danger. rolling at 3 a.m. may make you question your very worth as a man. That must have hurt frustrated. So I feel you, buddy. You probably feel played, replaced, and wondering what you did wrong. The thing is, odds are she did not reject you for being quote unquote nice. She probably rejected you because you were too afraid to be anything besides nice. You probably played it safe. It's almost like you opened a Baskin-Robbins, but you only served vanilla. She wanted some other flavors mixed in there. So as a dating coach, and I don't know the specifics of your question, the specifics of the details here in terms of how you and she got along what the chemistry was like.

But as a dating coach, my educated guess is that you probably played it safe, and you didn't project the kind of steely certainty that women want. from men. And this can push women away. And sometimes it pushes them away into the arms of an ex or a jerky guy. So when a woman says you're too nice, that's code. It really means that you were so focused on saying and doing what you thought she wanted that you forgot to show up as you and decisively lead the dating dance. And I want to be clear about something. One of the biggest myths in dating that has taken over so much of social media is this idea that it's it's not attractive to be nice that women don't want nice so let me clear this up for you right now women want nice kind men but they also want men to show up with confidence rather than permission slips

so i want you to ignore the manosphere noise about how nice guys are simps nice guys finish last nice guys are wimps forget forget all that noise ignore that okay ignore the manosphere ignore the red pill guys on reddit they don't know what the f they're talking about and by the way the only thing the red pill guys are sleeping with is their x-box so i speak from experience here about knowing that women don't want jerks because I tried being a jerk back in the day and it backfired. So long before I was a dating coach, long before I became the real life hitch, I was just a struggling, single, nice guy trying to figure out how to connect with women. And I worked with lots of different dating experts, so-called, some great, some terrible. And I hired

a pickup artist. And his advice to me was Connell, you're too nice. Go out and be a dick to women. So I said, okay, well, this guy is supposedly the expert. I guess I'll do what he says. So I went out for a few weeks, both approaching and also on some dates. And I acted arrogant. I acted arrogant on dates. I approached girls and said, crass things. I remember approaching a woman at a bar with a few friends. And I said, hey, are all your friends hotter than you? It's like, what a dickish thing to say? I would tell girls on the dance floor, hey, stop dancing. No dancing here.

And they looked at me like I was an alien. And I approached one woman one time, and her pissed off friend got so annoyed by the jerky behavior I was exhibiting that she came up behind me and poured a pitcher of ice water down my shirt. It was the least sexy cold shower of my life. That's for sure. suffice it to say this did not work and it felt awful and it didn't feel awful just because I was acting like an ass I wasn't being me I wasn't being who I really am I'm a nice guy from a nice Ohio family with nice parents or you know my dad's still around with a nice family and the girls could smell my agenda and my inauthenticity but especially the agenda

they could smell that agenda like I was wearing too much ax body spray so that didn't work and I don't recommend it for you don't be a jerk so what do women really want well I got a surprising answer to this one night in Miami many years ago I was at a tiki bar and I met a maxim model imagine how beautiful she is I met a maxim model named Julie she was in that month that month's I'm at a party at this tiki bar. And we started talking because once a woman finds out what I do, the topic of what women and what men want comes up. And she said, I basically said, hey, yeah, what's your view? What do women want? And she said, oh, I am so sick of arrogant men. I would love to meet a nice guy. But they never approach me. They never come up to me. She said,

I guess they're not confident. And then Julie said something that I will never forget. And it's a truth that I still remind every client I have of, and I'll tell you right now. She said, Nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs as long as they have a backbone. Nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs as long as he has a backbone. In other words, kindness without confidence that leads to rejection. Confidence without kindness is just being a jerk. You need both kindness and confidence to give women the full package that they want so frustrated in Phoenix. I know it was hurtful and confusing to see this woman go back to the same guy who had cheated on her when you were standing by ready to be the devoted boyfriend. But the reason why some

women choose a toxic guy is because that behavior can come off as the behavior of a leader, right? Oftentimes, quote unquote, jerks, bad boys, toxic dudes, they unapologetically say and do what they want. And so jerks aren't attractive to women because they're jerks. They're attractive to women, to some women, because these guys project confidence and self-certainty. In other words, they seem to have that backbone that Julie mentioned women want. So what likely happened here is you likely played it too safe with this woman. You were dating. And she read this as a lack of confidence, a lack of backbone, a lack of that certainty,

that steely certainty that women tend to want in a guy. So I'll bet your courtship played out this way. tell me if this resonates frustrated in Phoenix and also just tell me of you, the listener, if this resonates with you. I'll bet that on your first date with her, you wanted to kiss her, but you were afraid. And you didn't know if she'd like it, so you just settled for a hug. And I'll bet that you wanted to tell her how sexy and amazing she is, but you bit your tongue because you didn't want to be quote unquote creepy.

You didn't want to make a move because you were afraid of being creepy. Or maybe when she suggested, I don't know, Thai food, which you hate, you said, sure, whatever you want. And bottom line is you were probably so busy being the man that you thought she wanted that you forgot to be the man who you actually are, that authentic man inside, that best authentic you. And that's what pushed her away. That's my best guess. Male, female romantic attraction needs polarity. It needs a romantic tension. And for most women, most women are very much in touch with their feminine side.

So for most women, they like a man who exudes that masculine strength because your masculine strength creates a polarity with her feminine sopness. So that does not mean to be an asshole. It does not mean to be an asshole at all. Otherwise, you might get a pitcher of ice water pour down your shirt. What it means is to lead, to be the best man who leads with a sense of certainty in himself and a certainty and who you are and what you're doing with her. So how do you show up differently with the next woman you meet?

Well, here are three suggestions. Three quick strategies, tips. Number one, lead the dating dance. To me, dating is a dance. It's the man's job to lead, to ask her to dance and to lead. So instead of in the courtship phase of dating, instead of asking, where do you want to go, you might say, let's try my favorite wine bar. You're going to love it. Here's a dating coach tip. Use the word let's often. Let's grab fish tacos. Let's go on a second date. Let's go over to this part of the bar. It's quieter over here. Lead with the word let's. There's something great about the word let's. Because it lets you lead without sounding bossy.

You don't have to be some weird fake alpha male, do this, do that. That's not cool either. That's too far into the dominant realm. Let's shows leadership, but it shows a togetherness. In other words, let us. Let's go do this. So let's is great. And it's way better than, so maybe if you're not busy this decade.

No, hey, let's go on another date. Okay. Second tip is playfully disagree with her. If you mean it. If you mean it. Have you ever noticed in rom-com movies that the two leads almost always have this flinty, flirty banter? It's almost bordering or often bordering on bickering. Well, in your early text messages, in your early dates with women, feel free to disagree with her at least a couple times, one or two times, to see if that helps to ignite some sparks, keep things playful. And I mean light, small disagreements, pushing back on something that you might disapprove of, but in a very playful way. You know, you might say or text or wait, you think pineapple actually belongs on pizza?

I was so into you until you said that. So feel free to disagree a little bit. On my first date with Jess, my girlfriend, we disagreed about foods. She hates ketchup. I love ketchup on French fries. Who doesn't? I thought she was weird. So I teased her about hating ketchup. And she thought I was crazy for hating mushrooms.

I think mushrooms are a communist plot to take over America. So she teased me about foods we disagreed on. But it's a very light, playful disagreement. it's a nice little sparring session, or at least it can. Bottom mind is you want to switch your filter early in that courtship phase. Starting with date one, switch that filter from, will she approve of this? Because we don't want to be an approval seeking person. We want to switch that filter from, will she approve of this to what do I honestly, authentically feel about this? And then just speak your thoughts.

So, playfully disagree with her, but of course, I want you to mean it. Don't do it if it's not true. And your third strategy is, show her the perfectly imperfect you. As you move through dates one through three, one through four, lower your guard more and more as the dates unfold and show vulnerability. Reveal your fears and imperfections. It's about being less and less guarded, more transparent. It's all as part of my authenticity, dating philosophy. Now, I'm not saying unload a ton of trauma on her, but you might share the story about the day

you got laid off from the job and you were super worried about what you were going to do. Or admit a deep fear that you don't tell most people. On many dates I've had, including my first date with Jess, I revealed that I was married for nine weeks, not nine months, nine weeks. I had a nine week marriage. My marriage was over so fast, we fought for custody of the wedding cake. I'm telling you, it was over quickly. And I also basically said, yeah, nine week marriage, my fault, mostly. And I shared with her why it was a total screw up on my part. And not only did this not scare her off, but Jess and other women that before I met my girlfriend really appreciated my openness.

and I hope that it showed her that I'm working on myself and always trying to grow. So it's pretty powerful to drop your guard and be vulnerable and admit to something genuine and real, not just because it's a good move, although it is, but also because it's honest. And women like a guy who can drop those walls. Do you ever watch The Bachelor or Bachelorette? what does every woman say on every episode of The Bachelor or Bachelorette? Oh my God, I just want him to lower his walls, drop his walls, be real, let those walls down. That's what women are saying.

They want you to be perfectly imperfect as you. So yeah, women like it when a guy drops his guard. Anyway, here's the final truth I'll share with you, frustrated in Phoenix. Yes, be nice. It's good to be nice. I'm the nicest guy in the world, one of them. I mean, I'm pretty darn nice. I volunteer.

I'm nice to old ladies. I'm nice to my kiddies. But in my dating life, I'm also, well, I have a lot of backbone, had a lot of steel, confidence, at least that I developed. And that's what women want. They want that combination of sweet kindness with backbone and strength. So yes, it's good to be nice. Ignore all that red pill noise. Niceness is a virtue women want.

So odds are you are too soft, too supplicating. That's what sent her to toxic jerk, but not too nice, okay? What repels women isn't niceness or kindness. It's fear that masquerades as niceness or kindness. So be nice, be generous, be thoughtful, but do it from a place of strength, of playful. flirtation and steely leadership on dates and lead the interaction and show her who you are nice guys finish first in dating when they lead the dating dance next question comes from david from detroit david wrote me this on instagram hey connell i get ghosted a lot i'll message a woman to ask her

out and she won't even reply and every time it happens i feel disappointed and i start thinking why is it so hard to get a girl to go on a date with me? Can you give me some texting tips to make my messages better? I feel like I've got to stop getting ghosted and figure out what I'm doing wrong. David in Detroit, Michigan. David, you are not getting ghosted because you're bad at texting. You're getting ghosted because you give up too soon. Most guys assume that one unanswered message means a woman isn't interested.

but often silence just means that she's distracted or she's busy or she's just not yet sure if you're worth her time and she hasn't decided yet and she wants to see what you're going to do so don't take a single unanswered text as rejection it is not rejection it is just a pause don't overread the texting tea leaves so here's the fix don't give up after one message. If one unanswered text message meant ghosting, then that means last week my aunt Colleen ghosted me. It means that my sister Carrie ghosted me. It means that my dad ghosted me a few times. There have been times when they didn't answer my message and I had to follow up. I want you to take the same philosophy to dating. There is nothing needy or thirsty about sending a second or even a

third follow up. Don't worry about double texting, triple texting. You can text as often as you want within reason as long as you are giving value. Don't be chasing a woman for a date. Follow up with her with text message that make her smile, that make her giggle that seek to give her value to bring her something into her life. So here's what I want you to do. Follow the three times rule, a three times rule. does that mean? Well, my three times rule means that you can message a woman up to three times as long as each message that you send seeks to make her smile and add value. So you only stop after three good attempts without a reply. If I send a woman three messages and she's totally quiet after my three messages and they're pretty good messages, then I'm going to move on.

not in any sort of butt-hurt way. I'm just going to say to myself, hey, I have an abundance of options, and I don't need every woman to respond to me. I'll move on. But until you get to that three times, stay in the game. Now, why does this work? Well, women respond to persistence plus charm. That is your texting antidote to getting ghosted, or at least having that

one message getting no response. Most guys give up. Most guys do one of two extremes. The vast majority of guys give up after one unanswered text message. And if you give up after one unanswered text, then that says to her, hey, you're not a guy who's really going for what he wants. But the other extreme is other guys message five, six, seven, ten times. And we don't want to do that either. Now, that would be pretty needy, pretty chasing, at least if there's no response after the third or fourth message. Bottom line is a woman is going to let you know if she wants to see you, but sometimes it takes more than one message. So here's an example. Here's how, here's an example of this working for me in the past. I once matched with a woman

named Tabitha. And my first message was pretty straightforward. We had been texting. and then I said, hey, do you want to grab a glass of red wine this weekend? What night's better for you? Friday or Saturday? No response. Now, I could have quit there, but I didn't. My second message, I followed up about 24 hours later, and that's how long you want to wait. If a woman doesn't reply to your message, give her between 24 and 48 hours.

And my second message said, Dear Diary, Tabitha, the cute, Wine lover has gone missing. Should I send a search party? Question mark. Flashlight emoji. No reply to that. Okay. O for two.

O for two. And that's okay. But I'm just following the three times rule. And then I waited a couple more days. And my next message was, hey, Tabitha, maybe you've already gotten married and had 14 babies since we last talked or last texted. If that's the case, I will step aside gracefully.

But if you're still on the market, let me know. And with a little winky face. And that third message got her to write back. And she wrote back, hey, Connell, I'm so sorry. I've been slammed with work and family. But I really want to say I like how persistent you are and funny. That's impressive. Here's my number.

Or sorry, not here's my number, but I already had her number. But, yeah, let's do X, Y, Z day. And then we move towards setting up the date. So that's the three times rule in action. A lot of women get busy. A lot of women are just, remember, if you're on the dating apps, and you're talking to a woman on the dating apps, she has literally hundreds of likes and probably at least a dozen matches if she wants

that many. So sometimes you just have to send that second or third message to go back to the top of her hinge or Bumble inbox. That's part of it. But more importantly, you're showing her, hey, I'm persistent. I don't give up, but I'm persistent with charm. Notice that I wasn't persisting with neediness. I wasn't saying, come on, Tabitha, why did you match with me?

And then go quiet. Why are women like this? Ugh, God, you're so annoying, you know? That wouldn't work, obviously. and but of course if I had just given up that's no strategy either so it's the three times rule that's the three times rule in action so a lot of guys you might be like a lot of men you the listener but also David and Detroit a lot of men think oh I she didn't write back because I have to be a better textor yeah you can probably be a better textor but you can

that takes time to improve a texting. You can instantly be a more resilient, persistent, and charming texter by following the three times rule. The three times rule, I rarely say always, or I rarely say the word guarantee, because I don't have a crystal ball, but I can almost guarantee you that if you follow the three times rule, you will go on dates with women who you otherwise never would have met up with. That's what the three times rule brings to your table. Okay, got time for one more. This next one comes from Quincy. Quincy in Seattle. Quincy writes, hey, Connell. I spend a lot of time in bookstores and cafes. I love to read and write. And I often see attractive women who seem smart and well read, just like me. I'm 29 and I've

never had a girlfriend, and I've only been on a couple of dates. So needless to say, I'm definitely looking to upgrade my dating results as I get closer to age 30. Nice. Love it, Quincy. Okay, here's my problem. Quincy continues. I've never once walked up to a woman and had a real conversation besides small talk. I've talked to women about, hey, what are you reading? What's your favorite author? But every time I reach the point of flirting, I freeze. It's like there's an invisible wall that stops me from asking her out or taking that next step. Just last week, I had a great five-minute chat about books with a woman named Katie. The whole time, I kept hearing this little voice in my head saying, ask her out, ask her out,

but I couldn't do it. I just said goodbye and walked away. What is going on here? How do I fix this? I feel so frustrated that I can talk to women in bookstores and coffee shops and cafes, but I'm too afraid to flirt to take that chance or to ask anybody out. What do I do? Quincy in Seattle. Okay. So Quincy is basically asking me, I don't know what to say. He's basically saying, what do I say? How do I ask women out? And your problem is not that you don't know what to say.

I hear this from so many men. I don't know what to say. What do I say to ask her out? What's the right what are the right words and the issue is not that you don't know what to say what to say is very simple you can say would you like to go on a date with me there you go say that how about quote you seem charming i want to take you on a date would you like to there you go doesn't get much simpler than that it's not that you're afraid it's not that you don't know what to say it's that you're afraid to take a romantic risk you stop yourself deep down because deep down getting into a nice conversation where the woman feels good you're talking to a pretty girl an interesting woman and deep down what's really happening is you're afraid of what it

might mean she turns you down it's like it's like a part of you whispers if this woman doesn't want me maybe nobody will and in your case quincy because you've never had a girlfriend because you're in your late 20s and you've gotten a late start on dating, you're not confident in your worth to women romantically. So what happens is your brain runs a little bit wild. It turns a possible rejection into a story about not being good enough, not being wanted by women. And that fear builds this invisible wall. So I'll give you major, major points, Quincy. You are actually talking to cute, pretty women. Most guys don't even do that. But what you're actually doing is playing it safe. You're settling for a good conversation

and not taking the risk of asking a woman out or just asking for her phone number. So here's the paradox of what's going on here. In terms of flirting with women and meeting women in real life and turning real life conversations into dates, here's the paradox. What feels risky to you is safe. And what feels safe is actually very risky. Here's what I mean. I'll say it again. Risky is safe.

Safe is risky. You think, okay, I'll play it safe. I won't ask her out. I'll play it cool. I won't be needy. I don't want to get rejected. So you're playing it safe, but that is a huge risk because you risk being single and dateless until you're 30. However, if you take the risk, if you say a few simple words,

by the way, you're charming. I'm so glad I came up to you, Amanda, and to talk about books, would you like to go on a date with me? I would love to get to know you better. Now, that will feel so risky to you, but it's actually the safest thing you can do. Because it's a safe bet that it's just a matter of when a charming, attractive woman is going to say, well, yeah, I would love that. Here's my number. Let's go on a date. And that moment can change your life. That moment can lead to love. So you've got to take risks. They feel risky, but it's actually very safe and smart. the riskiest thing for you to do is to keep playing it safe because you think that staying quiet is a safe play quincy but look where it's gotten you late 20s still waiting for

your first real shot at a girlfriend at a date still wondering what might happen or what could have happened if you if you'd spoken up let me switch analogies here they give it like basketball right there are two seconds left your team is down by one somehow the ball ends up in your hands you're wide open the lane is clear but instead of shooting the shot you freeze you hold the ball afraid that you might miss and the clock runs out and you lose the game that's what would happen in a basketball game and that's what's happening when you walk away from a woman who you've spoken to and you want to ask her out,

but you settle for just a nice conversation. It's fear keeping you from even shooting the ball. Now let's flip that. You want to take the shot. You might miss it. It might not be a good shot.

It might be an air ball. It might be a swish. But you take the shot. In other words, you ask her out. You do the risky thing. or you do the safe thing that feels risky, and now you've got a chance. Now you've got a real chance.

If she says no, you walk away, feeling like, well, at least I tried. Damn it, at least I tried. And the bottom line is when a woman says, no thank you to a date, often it's just because she has a boyfriend or a girlfriend or just isn't in a place where she wants to be dating.

and that is not a personal indictment of you, Quince. In fact, you can and will feel amazing for starting to finally take shots. I remember the first woman I ever asked out from an in-person, let's call it an approach, an in-person real-life conversation approach. I took my phone out of my pocket and my hands were shaking. So, would you like to maybe give me your number and go out sometime? I had to steady my hand because it was shaking. And I think I got her number, even though I was hardly confident.

But I did it anyway. And the bonus here is that women love a guy who just takes a chance, right? Women know that it's hard to talk to them, that it's hard to ask them out. and women really admire that kind of courage. So sometimes just asking a woman out is what gets you the win. She says, oh, wow, this guy's stepped up. Sure, here's my number. Text me.

We'll figure something out. That can create the kind of attraction that you want. But even if she's not available or not interested, you'll probably make her smile. She'll probably feel flattered and appreciative that a good, thoughtful, intelligent, guy who loves to read, who loves to talk about books, she's going to feel so appreciative that you're interested, that you're interested, even if she ends up not being able to go on a day with you. You'll have made her day better. And you will have taken a big step forward toward becoming that guy who is out there taking authentic, courageous action.

That's my coaching in a sentence. Every day, take one courageous, authentic, romantic risk. That's everything I coach in 10 words or less. If you take an authentic, courageous, romantic risk once a day, every day for the next month, your dating fortunes will be transformed. Transformed. So anyway, Quincy, next time you're talking to a woman in that coffee shop, the bookstore, the cafe, take your shot. After a few minutes of conversation, just say, Hey, by the way, you seem interesting. You're very charming. And I would like to get to know you better. Would you like to go on a date sometime? It's not about what to say. You want to use just clear, simple language to ask a woman out. It's about shooting your shot. Just shoot the shot. If the shot swishes and she says, yes, amazing. You've just met an incredible girl. You just gave her a rom-com movie moment. And who knows, you might be on your path to love. And if she says no, you will walk out of that bookstore head held high, feeling like a winner, even if you didn't win the game, so to speak, you will feel great for finally shooting your shot because

you had the ball. And this time, you took the shot. All right, thank you so much for listening. By the way, if you are interested in finding out how the heck does dating coaching work, what does Connell do with his clients? I want to approach girls. I want to get confidence. I want to learn how to get amazing at flirting and never run out of things to say. If you're interested in talking to me and my team about how dating coaching even works, then all you need to do is go to datingtransformation.com. You can book a free call with me, and you and I will hop on the phone, and we'll talk about

your dating goals, we'll talk about your sticking points, problems that are getting in the way of you reaching your dating goals, and then I can share. with you how my coaching works. So it's a free call. There's really no downside to doing it. So yeah, go to datingtransformation.com. Just a heads up. I only do personalized one-on-one coaching with men who end up working with me. Because of that, I don't have a lot of time to take a million calls of potential guys who might want coaching. So please only book a call if you are serious about considering dating coaching, this is not a free dating tips call. It's about guys who are looking for coaching and want to know how it all works.

So if that sounds like it might be you, go to datingtransformation.com and book a call with me. Otherwise, I'll see you on the next podcast. And don't forget, your dream girlfriend is out there and she's going to love you, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic you. Until next time. Thank you.