How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Sober Dating, Part 2: 7 Ways to Confidently Attract Women, without Using Alcohol

Starting point is 00:00:00 That's my public service message for you today. The more you know, don't throw axes while drinking. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and find a great girlfriend all by being authentic and all by being sober. At least if you're listening to today's episode, because today is part two of a special two-part

Starting point is 00:00:36 podcast episode about how to date sober, how to not need alcohol to feel confident, to approach, to make moves on dates. Basically, how to get drunk and buzzed, I talked all about my own story about how I became dependent on alcohol, not so much in dating. It actually wasn't a dating issue for me. It was just a daily habit, a bad habit I'd gotten into where I felt like I needed alcohol to relax and feel more relaxed in a good confidence state. And if you're listening to today's episode, then there's a good chance that you're a guy who likes to drink on dates, but maybe doesn't want to feel like he has to. Or maybe you're in recovery. Maybe you're sober. Maybe you're newly sober. Maybe you've been sober for years and it's hard for you to go on a date in a bar or it's hard for you to approach a woman without that liquid courage

Starting point is 00:01:54 that you used to have back in the day. And maybe you want to approach women sober or you want to be in a bar for a date and not have it feel awkward or strange. Or maybe you just don't know how to handle talking about your sobriety on a date. Or maybe you just are a healthy person, not recovery. You're just not a big drinker. And you want to know how to handle that topic when it comes up with a woman who might want a cocktail, might want to go out and have a few drinks, how to handle that. And so that's what today's episode is about because it can get you in your head. It can be frustrating to not know, oh gosh,

Starting point is 00:02:39 is it weird? Is it weird that I'm not going to have a drink? Will she not want to go out with me on a date? Or will we have to do something sober? So let's navigate some different situations. I'm going to break this episode up into three categories. One is how to approach sober. Two is texting and setting up dates, how to handle the alcohol question before the date. And third category is about being on the date itself, how to navigate discussing your sobriety or the fact that you're not a drinker. So let's get to it. Let's start with category one, how to approach sober, how and why we do it.

Starting point is 00:03:26 I'll start with a story. Many years ago, when was this? Oh, man, this was well over a decade ago. When I was out working with my coaches, guys who were helping me, I was at a place in Miami called Nikki Beach. Nikki Beach Sunday was the night to go to Nikki Beach. It was filled with people and plenty of attractive single women. And I remember I went to Nikki Beach one night. And at the time, I was doing pretty good with my approaching and putting myself out there and meeting women. But most of the time, I needed one or two drinks to get the wheels off the runway. And I remember that night I said, you know what? I've been drinking. I've been using alcohol a little bit too much as a crutch. I'm just going

Starting point is 00:04:16 to go totally stone cold sober tonight. And my good buddy wingman, Terry, was with me. And that night I just remember saying, hey, I'm going to go totally sober. And so we get to Nikki Beach. And boy, were those first two or three approaches hard for me to do. I was very in my head. And it was difficult for me to do those first two or three approaches. I was thinking about it as I walked over. I was like, I don't know what to say. I don't feel like I'm in the zone yet.

Starting point is 00:04:57 And so it was tough for me just to make the decision to go over and start talking to people, to women, because I'd been using a couple Johnny Walkers is how I would start the night. That would loosen me up, right? And this night I said, no, I'm going to do it sober. So I just do it. Those first two or three were really tough, I have to admit. But with the third woman I approached, I remember this really cool moment where I saw her smiling. I saw her laughing. We were talking about whatever we were talking about. And I just remember in that moment, I realized, whoa, she's liking me. It's going well. And I feel like me. And I haven't had a drop of alcohol, yet I was feeling really good. And what was happening, I now realize is what was happening is my brain, my psychology was adjusting to the environment. I was proving to my brain, hey, you're safe here. You're still

Starting point is 00:06:00 Connell. Some girls are going to like you. Some won't. Some are going to be neutral. It's all just people. And essentially, my brain began to give me permission, starting with that third approach that even without alcohol to quiet the anxiety, even without that, I was reminded, hey, you're enough. Women like you. Some do, some don't. It's all good. And I remember with that third approach, something clicked into place.

Starting point is 00:06:31 And for the rest of the night, I was absolutely fearless. And I had one of the best nights ever. I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. you struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun.

Starting point is 00:07:33 Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life.

Starting point is 00:08:17 Bye. In terms of decisively approaching women, grabbing phone numbers. I remember I had a pretty fast, quick make out with a girl in about five minutes. And my wingman, Terry, was like, dude, you're amazing tonight. You are in the zone. And I remember one woman even asked me, I had a drink. I had literally a glass in my hand, but it was just water. And I remember I was in such a great state, such a great zone. I was in a flow state. They call it flow state. And I was in this flow state, just approaching, feeling charismatic, witty, just completely unstifled and awesome. And this girl I talked to said, oh, what are you

Starting point is 00:09:05 drinking? You're just like, you guys are drunk. She said that to both me and Terry. What are you drinking? She assumed I had a buzz from the booze, but I didn't. I had a buzz from the action. I was drunk on authentic action. I was just walking up to women and I just said, you know what? I just gave in and let go after about that third approach. And the aha moment was not only can you confidently, decisively, successfully approach women when you're stone cold sober, not only can you do it, but once you begin to do it and take action following the steps that I teach in my book, there's a whole chapter about these different steps of approaching. Once you get into the flow state of following those steps, not only can you do it, but you can actually do it better. And you're more in the zone and you're more confident and funny and witty and cool than

Starting point is 00:10:10 if you were drinking. Because remember, the alcohol is giving you that temporary confidence, liquid courage, right? And it gets you out of your head and lets you feel really present. But that doesn't last forever. I should say it might last for the whole night, but you're constantly needing to refuel. So you're afraid that you're going to lose that liquid courage. So you're constantly worried about, oh, I need more alcohol.

Starting point is 00:10:39 I need another drink. And so that fear goes away. And basically you're drunk on your own personality, your authentic expression, the jokes you're cracking, the action you're taking. And when you're doing it sober, you don't have to worry about slurring your speech. Your memory is better. You take the right actions, but also you can make the right moves as needed without letting those moves sort of disappear into the haze of a drunken conversation. there are moments in every approach in every conversation that, that might lead somewhere, a room, a wonderful romantic connection, love in the night. There are almost always moments of truth where, you know, you have to make a move or,

Starting point is 00:11:38 or suggest you go somewhere else or say the right thing. And there are these kinds of trials, right? Or maybe you're talking to, and I'm not saying she's giving you trials or she's testing you. There might, maybe somebody comes up and interrupts your conversation with her. You need to know how to handle these things. These moments of truth always arise. And when you're sober, I realized that night, all of these little tests and trials came up and I knew exactly what to do because I was thinking so clearly. I did not have to worry about delayed cognitive reflexes and delayed thinking because I was stone cold sober. And it was such an eye opening evening.

Starting point is 00:12:18 I really became addicted that evening to stone cold sober approaching. So how to date sober, or in this case, how to approach sober, how do you do it? You simply do it. You'd make a decision walking into that venue and you say, I am not going to drink any alcohol tonight. I don't need even one. I don't even need one to get my wheels off the runway. You don't. What you can do instead, here's what you do. Instead of walking into that venue and going to the bar, which is what most guys do, you're going to walk into a venue and you're going to, here's what I want you to do. I want you to approach the first human female you see as you walk in. I don't care if it's a beautiful woman. I don't care if it's a woman you're not attracted to. I don't care if it's a woman with her husband. It's their

Starting point is 00:13:14 10th anniversary. Don't hit on her. Just walk over and say hello in a friendly way. But basically, go talk to the first female human being you see. That will give you the momentum, the social momentum that you perhaps feel alcohol, that you need alcohol to give you now. So that's a good way to start getting into that flow state is approach the first woman you see, even if it's just a quick 10 second. Hey, what's up? How's your night going? Cool. Cool. Awesome. What's up? I'm Rob. And then you can bounce. You don't need to do a long interaction. But so tip number one is with approaching, if you want to do this sober, immediately take action as soon as you walk in that venue because this gets you into that flow state in the venue. And tip number two, when approaching, if it helps you, this is optional, but it might help you, have some kind of a drink in your hand if you want, just if that makes you

Starting point is 00:14:20 feel more socially aligned with everybody there. Most people are holding a beverage. Yours can be water. Or you can, a lot of bars have cool looking cans that aren't alcohol, but they have, you know, it's basically for sober people who want to look like they have a tough drink. Oh, I forget the name of it. It's not... Oh, there's some name of a cool sparkling water, but it's got a badass name. It sounds like it's alcohol. I forget the name of it. But anyway, feel free to just ask the bartender to pour you a seltzer and lime. And you can have them put it in a drink, a cocktail looking glass if you want. That way, if you're a little bit in your head about going up and approaching women while not drinking, then be holding a non-alcoholic drink.

Starting point is 00:15:14 She'll just assume it's a drink and she doesn't need to know if it's not. So those are two quick tips for approaching at night. My third tip for approaching sober at night is to be patient. Give yourself those first three approaches to get into the zone, just like I did that night in Miami. When you go out to a venue where there's a lot of people, you want to talk to more than just a couple women, probably, if you can, if you have that many people there. So my third tip for approaching at night is talk to a minimum of three women. And in fact, think of those first three sort of like your warmup. You're just using those first three approaches to help you get out of your head, get into that action mode. And what I think you'll find is notice how differently you feel from right before you approach woman number one

Starting point is 00:16:19 and the way you feel after you approach woman number three on your sober night out, you might be amazed at how on a scale of one to 10 for confidence, you're probably going to be at a two or a three to start. You might be surprised at how big that number is after the third approach. You might feel like a six, seven, eight in terms of social confidence. Because what you're doing is you're giving your brain proof that you're safe. You can talk to people. You're still you. You're awesome. You don't need alcohol to take action.

Starting point is 00:16:54 And then after that third one, you're basically beginning to catch a buzz. But you're catching a buzz on action and putting that authentic action plan in place, doing it with good intentions. Doing this as a man of integrity and sobriety and authenticity, it just feels great. So anyway, give it three approaches and then notice how differently, how much better you feel while doing it sober. So yeah, accept that the first one or two are going to be tough, but you're going to catch a buzz on your own awesome action. Okay. That's three tips for approaching women at night. Let's shift to tips for before a date. Let's call this like texting slash online dating for sober daters.

Starting point is 00:17:48 Here's one of my favorite Hinge prompts. I got so many matches with this that I want you to get the same. You know how on Hinge there is a prompt that says, instead of drinks, let's, and then it gives you three options. Here's the prompt I did that got me so many matches. It was instead of drinks, let's. Option one was go to a comedy show. Option two was get dessert. Option three was a joke. Option three was taser Kanye. So anyway, at the time that I wrote that prompt, that was when Kanye was going crazy with his like Nazi, attending Nazi dinners or hanging out with neo-Nazis or something. And Kanye was pretty much out of control. So that was a trending topic. So one of the things you can do on Hinge, if you want to have a really good prompt to get

Starting point is 00:18:51 more matches, that's also funny, but that also tees you up to have a sober date, is go with the prompt that says, instead of drinks, let's. Make your first two not alcohol-based dates. Go to a comedy show, get coffee, have dessert. Make the first two non-alcohol related. And make the third one just a funny joke. It can be something totally silly. I don't know what it might be. I'll leave that up to you. As I record this podcast, everybody's talking about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. So it could be instead of drinks, let's go to a comedy show, grab tapas, or see double with Travis and Taylor. That'd be funny. Or get Travis plus Taylor forever tattoos. This will get you a lot of matches in because you're going to get two bites of the apple.

Starting point is 00:19:54 Number one, a lot of women like it when a guy suggests something besides alcohol drinks for the first date. So she'll like the idea of a comedy show or coffee or dessert or something. And then you also get a match because that third item on your little quiz is funny. Not to get too comedy nerd on you, but you might know about the rule of three in comedy. This idea that you, when there's a, oftentimes the punchline in a comedic line, whether it's a standup comedian or a standup show or a movie, it's like one normal thing, a second normal thing, and a third crazy, silly thing. And so basically we're using this comedy concept, the rule of threes, to make her laugh, crack her up, and get you that match on hinge or that heart on hinge.

Starting point is 00:20:52 So yeah, feel free to use that prompt. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity.

Starting point is 00:21:32 Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks But You Don't so that you can. Confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold

Starting point is 00:22:14 in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl. And you should get matches both on your date ideas but also on the third funny thing that you come up with. Taser and Kanye got me a lot of matches. The reason I use that is because anything that's trending and that's very top of mind for the culture in general, women in particular, will get her attention and probably make her smile and make her laugh. So that's a tip for hinge. Use the instead of drinks prompt.

Starting point is 00:22:53 You can also feel free, by the way, feel free on your dating profile to mention that you're not currently drinking. There's nothing wrong with that. At least test it out. That might exclude you from some women who are looking to go have drinks and maybe don't want to date somebody who's a non-drinker, but it also could very well speak to your ideal date if your ideal date is a woman who doesn't drink. So feel free to put something on your profile about how you're a non-drinker or being sober, if you'd like. One way to frame it is, again, on Hinge or Bumble, an app that lets you use a prompt. You could write something like, you could write something like, I'm currently sober, but don't worry, dot, dot, dot, I'll get drunk on you. Winky face.

Starting point is 00:23:55 So that's a way to mention you being a non-drinker. And then also flip it into something flirtatious. And hey, it's good to have one of your prompts be something flirtatious. And hey, it's good to have one of your prompts be something flirtatious. And you can use the same basic idea when texting her. Let's say you match with a woman or you're messaging a woman, however you met her, and you're trying to set up that first date. What you can do is you can use basically the same idea. You have the option of giving her a heads up that you don't drink. That's a nice thing to do because if you're not going to drink, most women are cool with it. Even if they want to have a cocktail, they're going to be cool with you not being a drinker, but she might not feel comfortable her having a cocktail or two while you're not drinking.

Starting point is 00:24:51 Some women are comfortable, some women aren't. So what you can do when setting up the date is a couple options here. One is you, obviously you can suggest a date that's completely alcohol-free. You know, dessert, coffee, ping pong, an activity date that's not alcohol-adjacent, axe throwing. Yeah, axe throwing should definitely not be alcohol-adjacent. That's my public service message for you today. The more you know, don't throw axes while drinking. So you could lead, you could suggest a booze-free date, or you could suggest a date that's booze-free. You don't have to make a big deal about it. Or another thing you can do is let's say you're messaging with a woman and things are kind of going toward a cocktail drinks type of first date. You can say to her, let's say she seems to be into that.

Starting point is 00:25:50 Maybe she mentions on her profile that she likes wine. She loves red wine. Totally fine for you. If you're okay with this in terms of your sobriety or your not being a drinker, if you're okay with being in a venue where there's alcohol, which I totally am, but if you're okay with it, you can totally set up a date that involves drinking. But if you set up a drinking-based date, you want to give her that heads up in advance that you won't be drinking. And the way you can say it is,

Starting point is 00:26:26 for example, you set up a wine bar date with her because she loves red wine, awesome. And then let her know by text, hey, just so you know, I won't be drinking. I'm currently not drinking or I'm sober, but no worries. I'll be getting buzzed on you. So that little prompt, that flirty prompt idea I mentioned, you can use that as a text basically to give her the heads up that, hey, you have no problem with her drinking. Now this gives her some important information about you.

Starting point is 00:26:58 This lets her know, oh, this guy doesn't drink. If she's comfortable having some alcohol while you're there, fine. Now you've let her know and she's gotten the heads up. If she's not comfortable or would rather not do that, that's okay. Now she knows and you've given her the chance to say, oh, actually, I don't want to drink if you're not going to drink. In which case you can say, oh, cool. No worries. I appreciate that. And then you could shift, make plans that don't involve alcohol. So everybody's different. Some women are totally cool with them having a drink while you don't. Another thing you might find, I think you're going to love this, is you'll find, oh, you know what? I don't need to drink either. Whether she's sober or just looking to drink less, you might find that she's excited to go on a non-booze-related drink. So feel free to basically give her that heads up that you won't be drinking if your first date is alcohol adjacent. Okay? Okay. And then let's talk

Starting point is 00:28:09 about, let's finish with some tips for being on the date itself in terms of how to navigate a couple things here. So on the date, the topic of your sobriety, if it comes up, and if you're a guy who has a real story about this, like an in-depth story, something serious, maybe even heavy duty, you know, I have coached men who are years in recovery. I've coached men who used to be addicted to some serious drugs, and they have some harrowing life stories. If you're in that category of, hey, alcohol was a real problem for me, then going into that first date, you want to be prepared on how to talk about it and for how long to talk about it. Here's my advice. If it's a harrowing, heavy duty, I used to have a problem type story, then I would not go into depth on a first date. Probably. I mean, read the room. Every situation is different. But a first date should be about you and her keeping things light and keeping the topics pretty light as you and she explore your connection and your chemistry. So a 10, 15 minute conversation or more about addiction,

Starting point is 00:29:49 about having a drinking problem or having had one, that is a perfectly valid topic to come up at some point, but not on a first date. So I would recommend that you keep it surface level. And let's say you meet at a bar and you are in recovery and she has a drink or two. And here's how you can handle the topic. She might say, oh, you're not drinking. Or, oh, that's right, you said you're not drinking. What's the story there? And you can simply say, I'm not drinking tonight.

Starting point is 00:30:25 Or if you want to add, if that feels a little too withholding, you can say, well, I used to drink, but I don't do it anymore because I'm really on a health kick. And alcohol and I just did not get along in terms of my health. But that's okay. And then here's what you can do. You can deflect, I don't mean deflect, but you can redirect the conversation back to her and say, but that's okay. I'm prepared to get buzzed on you tonight. Or I'm prepared to get buzz Sheila on the rocks or whatever her name is. So I'm not saying, I'm absolutely not saying lie, 100% not. I'm not even saying beat around the bush. I guess I'm saying be a little bit of a politician here and know that, you know how like a politician

Starting point is 00:31:21 when she or he doesn't want to answer a direct question, they say what they want to say, but hopefully in an honest way, or at least a not deceptive way, be ready to say, hey, why don't you drink? Did you have a problem? If she asks that, and you can say, well, you know what? I used to drink a little bit too much, and I realized I want to be a healthier person. And that's okay, though. You can have a cocktail or two. I'll be getting drunk on you, or I'll be getting buzzed on getting to know you. So that's how I would handle the you drinking topic on a first date. Second or third date, as you guys get to know each other better,

Starting point is 00:32:01 you can go a little bit deeper. We don't want the first date to turn into, to have too much of that date turned into your narrative and potentially her narrative about addiction, dependency. It's not fun. Typically, it's not sexy. It's not romantic. So that's how I would handle that question. Just say, hey, I'm not drinking tonight, but I'm going to get buzzed on you. So you have a short, quick answer ready. And if she presses, if she presses and asks again, you could simply politely say, well, we can definitely talk about that maybe on a second date. But for tonight, I wanted to ask you and then go back to something that's more fun to talk about. So that's how we want to handle

Starting point is 00:32:50 that topic. One last thing I want to mention about first dates. One of the ways that alcohol can seemingly aid us on first dates is it can make it feel a lot easier to quote unquote make a move. On almost any successful first date where you and she really clicked and things went great, there's a make out, there's kissing, there's a real connection. There's almost always one or two moments of truth. Those moments where you have to maybe fight through some fear and say, go for that first kiss or say that flirtatious thing and or suggest, ask her out again, if that even though that might be scary. And basically, we have to take some romantic risks to have a really great dating life and or to have it really go well, at least to the level that you want.

Starting point is 00:33:50 And so alcohol absolutely does or can quiet the fearful lower self that tries to keep us safe. And what I want to say to you is that just like you can decide to walk up to any woman while sober and begin approaching on a first date, even though you're going to be sober, even though you don't have alcohol, you can decide to make a move when you think the time is right. Of course, we always want to make those moves with empathy. We want to read our date. You want to read her. Make sure you're getting the right kind of signals and vibing how it's going. But if you're getting those good signals, those green lights, you don't need alcohol to make the move. You just make the decision to make the move. Alcohol doesn't give you any power to make a move.

Starting point is 00:34:49 It just quiets the fear or the anxiety. And if you have those moments of fear and anxiety when it's time to go for the first kiss or maybe hold her hand the first time, that used to scare me so much. Trying to hold her hand. That scared me. The first kiss scared me going for it, I should say. Telling a woman she's sexy, telling a woman why I like her, being vulnerable like that, that used to really scare me. Also, just loosening up and being really honest and letting my personality come out, that was hard for me to do often, at least without alcohol. Alcohol made it a little bit easier. But what I've learned on, gosh, probably over a thousand dates and coaching hundreds and hundreds of men and coaching many

Starting point is 00:35:40 dozens of sober men is that you don't need alcohol to make those moves. You just need courage. You just make a decision using courage to say the scary flirty thing or move in for that first kiss if you think she's ready for it and she wants you to, or ask her out again. Alcohol can make it easier, but you don't need it. You just make that decision. So you can catch a buzz off of your own courage in addition to catching a buzz off of her awesomeness and getting to know her. Okay. Those are some quick seven or eight tips on how to date sober with approaching, with texting before a date and on the date itself. And keep this in mind too, just like with approaching, you're going to feel so much more confident and better after those first two or three approaches. On a date,

Starting point is 00:36:45 even though you're not drinking, once you get in the moment with her, you get present, you're going to feel yourself authentic, confident, at least more so as the date goes on. And yeah, I hope that all makes sense. Hey, thank you so much for listening. I will talk to you for the next episode. We have a really cool guest coming up. You're going to hear all about that. And remember, your future soulmate, girlfriend, love of your life, she's out there. She already likes you.

Starting point is 00:37:19 She just has to meet the real, authentic you. I'll see you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time. Produced by Heartcast Media.

How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Sober Dating, Part 2: 7 Ways to Confidently Attract Women, without Using Alcohol

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