How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Spank You Very Much: The Nice Guy’s Guide to Hot, Shame-Free Sex (with Kink Expert Amanda Dames)

Episode Date: July 31, 2025

You may not know it, but you are kinky… and so is your next date! That’s right—a whopping 95 percent of singles are kinky, according to certified sexologist Amanda Dames, who joins dating coach Connell Barrett in a juicy episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend.” Dames, host of the Kink Consultant Podcast, will teach you how to have hot, fun, shame-free sex, even if you’re sexually inexperienced.Episode Highlights Include:02:23: From Wall Street to Dominatrix—Amanda’s Wild Origin Story06:14: The Truth About Sexual Shame (and How to Finally Get Past It)16:47: Amanda’s Foolproof Foreplay Rules Every Man Should Know26:55: How to Bring Up Kink on Dates Without Killing the Vibe30:21: Why Some Women Want to Be “Choked” and How to Do It Safely41:21: Why 95 Percent of Us Are Kinky44:55: The Kinky Dating App You MUST TryFOLLOW AMANDA ON INSTAGRAM FOR DAILY KINK TIPS:@‌The_KinkConsultantGET AMANDA’S FREE KINK WORKSHEET:AmandaDames.comLISTEN TO MORE JUICY STORIES ON “THE KINK CONSULTANT” PODCASTREADY TO ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND? BOOK A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL:DatingTransformation.com

My virgins are my guys. I have deflowered more virgins than insert Game of Thrones joke here. They're all men. I've deflowered. I love that joke. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I am your podcast, dating coach, here to help you gain more confidence, get more confidence, get

dates and find an incredible girlfriend and do it with authenticity. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And my guest today is really special. I'm psyched to talk about this topic. It's a topic I've never talked about on my podcast, which is Kink. My guest today is turning up the heat in the bedroom by helping people rethink what intimacy, power, and connection looks like. Her name is Amanda Dames. She is the Kink consultant. Amanda is a certified sex in relationship. coach and sexologist. And she helps people navigate kink, desire, emotional intimacy, and pleasure. And she does this so that you can achieve these things with zero shame and 100% empowerment. Amanda has built a massive following online. She's got over 140,000 people

following her on Instagram. And she hosts a great podcast called The Kink Consultant Podcast, where she dishes out juicy stories, gives great advice, and just has really fun, real, conversations about all things kink and amanda is here to help you communicate what you really want in love and in sex so you can follow her on instagram at the underscore kink consultant amanda thank you so much for being on the how to get a girlfriend podcast it is my pleasure to be here can i have you follow me around and give that introduction everywhere i go that was phenomenal thank you i can do it in many different languages different accents and count me in I want to hear them. Yeah, that was amazing. Thank you. Before we hopped on the call, I mentioned Superman, and that

makes me think of the term origin story. And I'm wondering what your origin story is. How do you go from whatever you used to do in life to becoming a kink consultant? Tell us how this happened. Yeah, so I always say I was born kinky. Since the age of five, I knew I was a little bit different. I had an interest in spanking and discipline, and it was just a little bit different than anybody else's interests at the time. And as I grew up, I got a little bit older, and I started to realize, oh, this is sexual. This is part of what I'm interested in in sex. And I'm fast-forwarding through about 15 or 20 years of shame about my own interest before I really started to embrace and accept myself. And part of that journey was I moved to New York City, and I had a job in customer's

service at the Wall Street Journal. I was training customer service reps globally, but I wasn't making enough money. So I took a job as a dominatrix at a New York City dungeon. My old job? Great. Go on. And from that where I fell in love. I was moonlighting doing that job, but I just felt more myself than I had ever been before being able to explore all these different areas of my life that I'd never gotten to really be in touch with. And I did that job for two years, but ultimately my career took off and I had to choose that career over being a dominatrix. I had to, you know, choose a lane. And I don't regret the lane I chose. However, I found that years later, I still missed the work and I wanted to find a way back to it. So I did a course in

sex and relationship coaching because I thought, okay, if I can't still be a dominatrix, maybe what I can do is still talk to people about their sex lives and interests and help them build intimacy with partners. I became certified and I realized my understanding, deep knowledge of kink is something that not everybody has and I can use that to help people who went through the same level of shame and I've been through divorce because of my kinks and interests. So I decided to make that my career in focus and I became the kink consultant and basically just found clients who wanted help with this.

things that I had worked through myself and helped others work through as a dominatrix. Did you say that you were divorced in part because of your kink side? Yes. So I eloped at 20. Do not recommend. I think it's a little bit young to get married. Everyone, you know, it works out for a lot of people. It didn't work out for me. But part of the reason it didn't work out is we were not aligned in the bedroom. I was very kinky and I was so young that I just didn't feel empowered enough to ask for what I wanted. And I, part of the that was because of the shame I was feeling. I thought I was a weirdo and I was like, maybe I couldn't pretend it away and just say that like, oh, if I just ignore it, it will evaporate. And it

didn't. It only drove a wedge between us. It's like we both lacked satisfaction in the bedroom. A lot of people might hear the word kink. Like my listener is probably thinking, okay, kink. That means, I don't know, leather, whips, 50 shades. How do you? How do you? How do you you define kink? I define kink. Well, I always joke. You can ask me anything. Just don't ask me to define kink because it is the broadest thing. The spectrum is huge. The dictionary definition of it is anything that doesn't fall under what's considered normal like missionary sex. So there was a time where blowjobs were considered kinky until they became mainstream and then they no longer are. I mean, I think that even anal sex might not be considered.

considered kinky anymore because it's become so mainstream. So it's anything that falls out of what is considered mainstream now. However, more people are using bondage in the bedroom. They're playing with power in the bedroom. So it's sort of like these are all things that are kinky. So there's more things that are kinky than are not kinky. We'll come back to that for sure. You mentioned shame.

Yeah. And shame is a big issue with a lot of people, men, women, all kinds of single people or frankly, people in relationships deal with shame. Now, men who tend to listen to my podcast and some of whom who work with me, I hear about O'Connell, I feel ashamed of my sexual desires, or they have desires, but they feel ashamed to go after them. And can you talk a little bit about the truth about shame? Let's demystify it if we can. How do we get over this issue with shame? You name it. You bring it out into the open and you start to share it more frequently. I know I work with a lot of men who experience shame, especially if they, whether they're dominant or submissive, society has told them

they have to be one way. And the way they have to be kind, but not weak. And being a submissive would make them weak in their minds. So that's what society has told them. And they can't be too aggressive because men in history have been too aggressive. And that makes them bad. So they can't be dominant either. So both sides of the coin are experiencing shame because of what society is telling them they're supposed to be. So I guess the first thing is you do have to say F society, F what society is saying, and you have to adhere to your own codes. And the codes I usually give people is, as long as it is consensual between adults and legal where you are, you're good to go. And once you're following those things, I would encourage you to talk about what your interests are. And just because somebody else

doesn't share it, that says more about their own interests and, like, maybe what society has told them as opposed to how you should feel about yourself or your own interests. That's fantastic. I love that definition, or not a definition, but those guardrails. If it's consensual, check, obviously. If it's legal, check. Yes. And I was sorry, what was the third one? Between adults. Of course. Of course. Between adults. Other than that, almost anything can go, right? Yeah. That sounds great.

it's your own fantasy. You're building your own world with someone. And there's nothing wrong with that. And it's freeing. That sounds so freeing. Like just the way you described that made me think, wow, putting those three things aside, then we'll have some fun. We're on the same page. Exactly. And it's just about naming it, bringing it to the surface. And sometimes it does, it is difficult because as I said, society had placed such a large impact on what we think is quote, unquote, normal. And we've evolved to want to adapt and be quote unquote normal because that in history is what's kept us safe. You know, you want to stay part of the pack. You want to be accepted. But we don't live in that world anymore. There's a lot more freedom of expression and safety. But all of those

years of conditioning make it hard to recognize that. I would love for you to share a story if you have a client story. Maybe it's a gentleman, maybe it's a woman. Can you think of somebody you worked with and helped. They came to you. They were struggling with shame or they just felt insecure about getting in touch with their kink side. What problem were they facing and how did you help them overcome it? Tell us the story. I've had clients. I think there's a lot of what I do can be a little bit lather, rinse, repeat. I have a lot of dominant men who come to me and they have these interests in being aggressive in the bedroom, sort of primal, finding woman who they want to pin down and take captive and have sex with. And they are so embarrassed. And I had one specific client

and he had more sadistic interests like being slightly more aggressive, choking, pulling hair, things like that, things that he had been taught his whole life. You don't hit a girl. It makes you a bad person. It makes you a bad man. And we had to dismantle that for him. We had to think about how he, one of the things I say with a lot of my clients are, you are someone's solution, meaning your interest and desires are the exact thing someone is looking for. And you need to recognize by hiding that away, you're actually depriving someone out there in the world of having their needs met as well. So we did a little bit of work about his own core desires and what it was he actually wanted. Did he want to hurt women or did he want to feel in control? Did he want to feel all of the power? That's a lot of the work I do is very much, okay, yes, you have this kink. It presents as wanting to be aggressive in the bedroom, but what need is that filling for you? Yeah. And we were able to determine that he did not feel very in charge growing up.

He felt quite unempowered, like he wasn't able to make his own decisions. And by being able to step into that in-control role, he felt like he had almost a superpower, and he enjoyed playing with that. And once you begin to understand what your own core desire is, it makes it a lot easier to explain it to a partner who might not share your interest because they might not be able to relate to wanting to be choked or have their hair pulled or pinned down during sex. That might sound really scared to them. But when you can peel back that layer and not talk about what the solution is, but talk about the need first, it can bring a lot of empathy to the conversation. So I work with clients to help them figure that part out. And what did success?

What did the reward look like for him? You don't need to paint the picture. You don't want to be explicit although you can. But what does that look like for him either in his heart or in the bedroom or both? Okay. So for this client, he came to me who was a lot older. He had discovered this need and interest later in life. So he was married to someone and they'd been married so long that he fully understood.

He didn't actually, his wife was never going to be okay. with it. So when he came to me, there was an understanding he wanted to explore this outside of marriage, mutually discussed with his wife. They were going to open up their marriage. But he wasn't ready to take the steps he needed to take in order to find what he was actually looking for. So he was able to find a partner. And him and his wife are now happily polyamorous. And they each have partners that match their needs and desires. So that was what that looked like. Excellent. Have you coached, helped men who are more on the shy side, more reserved side. The typical listener to this podcast, he's a little bit introverted.

He might have limited sexual experience. And if he does have some, it's probably a bit more on what you would categorize as vanilla or at least what society would call vanilla. You might not, but society might not. And a lot of, I don't coach my men through a lot of sex-based, connections, sometimes, but not often. However, the few times I've been involved with it, I've heard things from men that they say, well, if I'm aggressive, if I'm assertive, I want her to let me know it's okay first, and then I'll go do it. And I like the place where

that's coming from. It's coming from a place of not wanting to harass or do anything the woman doesn't want, but it can also make a guy come off as timid. Can you talk a little bit about how maybe shy or more introverted men who are learning their dating and romantic confidence, how they can be assertive and take charge, but of course do it with consent. So I work with a lot of clients who I help teach them to flirt and take ownership of foreplay in the bedroom. And the very first thing I say is, can you tell me, usually I'm working with partnered people when this happens. Like if it's past the dating stage, I'm working with people who are seeing someone that are starting to get to know each other,

usually I'll ask, is there something that has happened that you've said that has gotten a positive reaction from your partner? And I'll see if we can pull on that thread a little bit and see what it might be. Like, for example, some women like to be called a slut. I'm one of them, right? And they might introduce that themselves during sex. And I work with men who don't even know what to do with that. And it's perfectly understandable because if they've never, especially if they've been told their whole life, you don't call, you don't call woman derogatory names. But if the woman wants that, I say, okay, that might speak to what they're interested in. Do they have any other interests? So I often work with men solely without the woman present. And I have to help them navigate what their partner is interested in. So one of the things I'll do is I'll say like, okay, is there anything they've given you, any hint that they might be into?

a certain type of dirty talk. And if the answer is no, we really haven't gotten there, I encourage my client to ask. I encourage them to ask, are there any phrases you like to hear during sex? Are there any names you like to be called? How do you like to feel during sex? And that opens up,

that open-ended question of how do you like to feel? It can blow people's minds. It can be really difficult to answer and be a little scary because how often do you think about that, how you're feeling during sex. you're in the moment, you experience it, it's very rare you reflect back on it. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt.

The apps don't work for you. And sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. But I escaped. using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17

countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks, but You Don't, and Radical Authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. So this might be the first time either of them are reflecting on the moment. Tell us more about for play. Actually,

let me back up. Talk a little bit about any tips you have for flirting in the bedroom. or before the bedroom, men are dying to hear from you. Talk about this. I can hear it to you. My favorite piece of advice to give is that beautiful women, all women, love to hear they're beautiful. And there are a lot of men who think, well, she knows that. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to hear that, right?

So starting by disarming someone, by telling them a truth about themselves, that even if you think they know if it's positive, I think sharing that is really helpful to break down any barriers or insecurities that might be happening on one side or the other. So, for example, as a woman, okay, I love to hear words of affirmation. I love to hear positive things about myself. And I've heard people say things like, oh, but you know that. And it's like, even if I know that, knowing that you think that about me makes me feel closer to you. It makes me feel appreciated by you. So sharing things that you appreciate about your partner, amazing foreplay. I love the way you laugh.

Or I think it's so thoughtful when you hold the door open for someone behind you when we're walking into a place. These small things that say, I notice you, there's no better foreplay, in my opinion. I like that. I like the smallness and specificity of, I love the way you open the door or hold the door open. What a beautiful thing to point out. How can you make your partner feel seen? That's number one, okay, in my foreplay rules.

Number two is how can you do light forms of contact touching their eyes? touching their hair, something gentle that doesn't feel too possessive. And I say that because it's very easy to feel over-touched, especially if someone is a parent or if they are really busy with work and really stressed out. Too much touching can be a little much, right? So light touch and building up from there is a really important one as well and understanding where they like to be touched and don't like to be touched. Having open conversations about that is really important because, yes, you can understand someone's physical reaction, but I wouldn't rely on that. Someone might just be, the reason I say I wouldn't rely on it is because someone, especially,

you know how we tell people, don't force your kids to hug anyone? It's because you become an adult and you just think, okay, I'll take this hug, but I'm not really enjoying it. Your condition to think, okay, let me just pretend everything's okay. And that's very common for women. So you can't always rely on a specific touch being well accepted. It's important to have the conversation of do you enjoy when I touch your hair. Because even if they're allowing it to happen, it might not be their favorite thing. It might be like, oh, I actually enjoy it more when you caress my neck, you know? So encouraging open conversation is super important.

Does that make sense? 100%. Right. Different people have different freaky flirting channels. Yes. Some people love touch. Some people don't. Some people are more verbal.

Some people aren't. Yeah. And then there's the whole like, sometimes I work with a lot of married couples. and the amount of times I've had to, I work with them separately and together. And in the separate conversations, sometimes I'll say, how are you helping your partner out? How are you helping your wife out? And they'll say, like, oh, I'm taking out the trash, but I will have heard the same story of like, he took out the trash, but he didn't replace the trash bag.

And this is not a fake example. I have often talked to men about not just taking out the trash, but replacing the trash bag. And I wish I were joking. But these are things that weigh on women's minds and take them out of being able to relax into their own intimacy. Okay, did you finish your four foreplay rules? Yes, I think so. I think that that, like, it's sort of foreplay begins at the end of sex.

And I'm sure you've heard that before. So, like, as soon as sex ends, you're back into the next round of foreplay because you want your partner to feel connected to you and you always want your partner to feel seen. Or at least your partner wants to feel seen by you. That's great. I love that phrase. yeah it's it might just be common in the sex and relationship coaching world okay that it's you know it's constant intimacy is constant and trying to find connection is important throughout your day

what is how do women generally feel about talking about sex um on the first one or two dates with a man i think that women have been conditioned and i feel pretty much safe in saying this to believe all men want to sex. The way sex education is taught, especially in the U.S., is you should guard your virginity with your life. That is something that you protect until you're ready to give up, and then it's this great gift, okay? That carries through women's lives to the point that they can be quite nervous on first or second dates to talk about sex. So when I talk about kink, I always say, oh, if you're going to bring up kink, bring it up when you're talking about sex, but for a lot of women, they're only comfortable talking about it

on the third or fourth date. Sometimes sex happens on the second date. It's sort of, you have to navigate the conversation. If you think it is moving, I have questions like, are you kissing on the first date or are you kissing on the second date? I would not bring up sex on a date where we're not even ready to kiss each other yet. Right. I think that you need to move at the pace that the intimacy is moving before you bring it into conversation. Right. And I think you should bring sex into the conversation, even the very topic, small chunk it, you know, don't go from zero to 69 in five seconds, right? You might lead into it. One of the things I have my clients do, the ones who need help in this area, is I say, it's okay to talk about intimacy and sex adjacent things.

I mean, you are on a date or on dates, but let's ease into it. You know, maybe we talk about, hey, what was your first kiss like? What was your, who was your first? boyfriend or girlfriend, talk about more innocent times. And always be reading the room, always be reading that other person, always be trying to read that woman and understand, is she comfortable with me right now or is she uncomfortable and then proceed accordingly? I completely agree. I have a question. Do you teach body language of how to understand if someone is comfortable or uncomfortable? A little bit, a little bit. But I'd love to hear from a woman. You know women better than me in that sense. When I work with clients on sort of that early stage of dating, especially if they're kinky and I'm taking them from zero to 100, I teach touch of like how to connect with someone on a first date.

And it's part of the connection is that physical touch and you don't leave the hand there too long because that can come off as aggressive. But if you tap their knee or tap their arm for a second or two when you're saying something and trying to connect or having a like you're laughing about something together, that little quick touch. connection can move that conversation further along. But that's a wonderful way to understand where they are in the intimacy and the connection with you. If they pull away, if they tense up, I would not recommend that as a time to bring up anything sexual yet. It's about how relaxed they are in their body. And then there's also the way they sit in the chair. And sometimes I play with this myself if I want to seem more relaxed than I am on a date where I'm really into the person. And sometimes I'll relax a little bit so that my body feels relaxed and I can be more in it.

Whereas if they are sitting upright and rigid, I recognize the person is not as comfortable. And these are things I teach my clients to look out for. I like that. I had a date, at first date once, and I remember this was when I really got, I had already gotten really good at reading different channels people like to flirt on. And I noticed that a lot of women are very verbal and bantery, some not so much. And some women are a little bit more touchy, some aren't. Some like to be touched. Some don't.

Some like to use their bodies. Some don't. I was on a first date with a woman. I'll call her Jennifer, not her name. And I walked into the date and she was wearing overalls. Okay. Can't say she looked bad, but, you know, she looked like, you know, dressed like she was about to go plow the fields. No disrespect. That's what I thought. She's going to the farm after the date.

Yeah. That's fine. You can wear whatever you want. And the date was going pretty well. About a half hour in, we're both kind of warming up. We go over to play darts. And she said, and it was and we're, things were getting a little bit warmer. And she said, oh, hold on. It's getting pretty hot in here. And she unbuttoned the, the right strap. And it fell down, revealing a low cut top and very noticeable cleavage. And I could see, it doesn't take a genius to see some things, I could see, hey, she's showing a certain kind of physical expressiveness that allowed me to take another step forward in terms of, you know, flirting or making some quote unquote moves. So to your point, I'm just, I'm just thinking back through my experiences of reading women, looking for signs in terms of are they touching, are they not touching? Are they moving their body toward you or are they closed off?

are they popping their overalls off or are they sitting there with their arms folded? I've seen it all. Yeah. The arms folded one is a big one too. There are certain things that I think that you might not even need to be taught or talked about. It can be very obvious and you feel the energy. But that's really what I'm talking about is connecting to the energy between you both and that physical connection of that light tap, that light touch is a great way to tap into the energy. be by making it physical here's a question so a man is on date number two with a woman he's

very attracted to and he it seems to be going well they're on a second date he is a big fan of the kink consultant podcast he's all about Amanda and all the things you're talking about and he's like oh boy how do I bring up the topic of kink how do I find out if she's kinky too or what kind of kinky she is how the heck do you talk about kink on a date or two so i always my number one rule is lead with curiosity so i the question i tell everyone to ask is do you have any fantasies you'd like to explore it leaves it super open-ended and you can tell a lot even just by the way someone interprets that question i mean usually my feedback i've heard is people understand that that is about sex, and especially if the conversation is posed the right way, sometimes you find out

someone has a deep love of Dungeons and Dragons, and they have a whole world build out like that. But I like to tell clients to ask people like, do you have any fantasies you'd like to explore? And listen to the answer. Actively listen. Do not use this just as a way for you to share your own interests. However, once you've engaged in the conversation and maybe they say, no, not really. I'm quite vanilla or something. You ask, sometimes they will ask back, though, oh, do you have any? And it's very common if you're on a date that's going well to sort of share questions and answers. Like, oh, you've asked me a question. I'm interested in your answer in this. So sometimes you'll get that layup of like, oh, what about you? And it opens the door for you to share. Alternatively, it can be a good

time based on how you felt about their answer to say, well, there are certain desires I have that I like to explore when I'm in a relationship. And it opens the door to talk about the kinks you're interested in. Right. That's a great, that's a great tip. And so if I, if a man listening to this goes on a date and asks that question, and then she says, oh, well, what are your fantasies? How would you advise he answer that? Answer lightly. Okay. So one word I tell a lot of I don't have a ton of clients who call themselves sadists, but there are scary words that you do not want to use to scare someone off, even if it is the label that you feel you identify with the most, right? You start by saying the generalizations of what you're into. So you might want to say, I'm into BDSM and I like exploring kinky things, right? Start light like that.

And again, we're talking a little bit about mirroring energy and connecting with people. You want to mirror what they've shared. If they say they're really vanilla and they're not into any of this kinky thing, I wouldn't actually let the, I would say that's probably your last date if kink is important enough to you that you needed in a relationship. If they say they're curious about kink, you can say, well, I've explored a little bit or a lot, talking about how much you've explored yourself, some of the things. you're interested in doing. But just like the touch on the knee or the arm, you keep it's a light touch. You don't start going into all of the sex and kink parties you've been to or anything like that. If you have, if you feel that they're new to this and they're open to listening, start light. Whether that's, oh, I'm, I like playing a dominant role. I like to be a little bit more

submissive in the bedroom, whatever it is. Generalizations as opposed to as opposed to as opposed to specifics. Great. Great tip. I got a question recently for my, I write an advice column and somebody asked me a question, a man asked me about choking in bed. A woman asked him to choke her in bed. And I remember the first time that happened to me. I was seeing a woman, we were having a little week-long fling in Los Angeles, where I was for a week on travel and business. And our second night together, she basically said, hey, I want you to choke me. And I have. And I had, had never heard that in my life. And it wasn't bad. It was just different. And I hadn't even heard anything about the idea of choking. Can you talk a little bit about why some women want to be

quote unquote choked, guidance for this topic for if and when it happens to a listener? Okay. So obviously I can't speak for all women, but I will tell you that as someone who I'm going to speak for myself, what I like about being choked. It's the thrill of knowing. that there's a little fear in it of like, oh, this person has their hand around my throat. That can be dangerous. There can be a physical reaction depending on how tight it is. So I want to take a moment before I get into this to explain that if you are going to choke someone, I highly encourage you to go to an in-person class so that someone can watch you do it and teach you how to do it correctly, knowing that we have a lot of listeners who are probably not going to go to a class, especially

if they're asked in the moment. What I'd like to say is, when you are quote unquote choking someone and there is no safe way to do this but you want to um hold the sides of their necks as opposed to crushing to pushing down on their throat you're sort of squeezing the sides and what it's doing is the physical reaction is it's cutting off the blood flow there so you get a little lightheaded and for some people the enjoyment is the the physical reaction of being light for other people, it's the power exchange and not being in control. So that's something that I find really appealing. And it's a very easy way to give up control. Like you don't need any, there's no ties, ropes, cuffs. It's literally just being held by your neck and knowing this person is

holding a very sensitive part of my body right now. Right. There's a thrill there. So it's both physical and sort of energetic and head-spacy. And I would think for many women, I'm going to speak in very stereotypical gender roles, but I think these are truisms or there's a lot of truth here. Generally, the masculine is strong and powerful if you're talking about a straight male. And a woman he's having intimacy with is generally going to be feminine and, quote, softer, physically weaker. Is part of the attraction of choking for some women is the feeling of sort of heightening

this feeling of I'm the small, feminine flower. He's the big, strong man. And is that what choking can help these women feel? That sort of feel his power? Yeah. It's like, it's like, oh, I'm with the caveman who's taking me. Yeah, 100%. You put it so eloquently. That's exactly, that is one of the things someone might be interested in about it. Right. Not to mention the physical feeling that you described with the neck, which I had no idea about. And that's great advice. So I just remember when that happened. I'm a yes and person. I'm an improv guy. And when a beautiful naked woman says choke me, I'm going to say yes and. I tried my best. She seemed to enjoy it. I was freaked the fuck out. I was like, I don't want to do it too hard. She told me harder, harder. And I don't think

I've ever been as honest on my podcast before, but it wasn't totally for me. But I'll do it if my partner is like if that's what makes her happy i will i want to please her so it didn't make me uncomfortable it just wasn't my cup of tea although i totally see the value that some women might feel from it i love that you went with it though and tried it i am a really big fan of trying things as long as it doesn't push beyond your own boundaries try it out and see how it feels before you decide it's not for you if it doesn't push past your own boundaries you know what i learned my kink was during that trip what i'm not i'm not kidding with you the same woman She went down on me while I was watching Jeopardy.

That was one of the greatest moments of my life. I'm not kidding. No, I know you're not kidding. And I love that. I really do love that. Alex Trebek, rest in peace, double Jeopardy, oral sex from a beautiful woman. That was way more thrilling than choking, but talk about a nerdy kink. No, I've heard some really nerdy kinks.

That doesn't rank, but I'm going to add it to the list. because like it's so cute that what nerdy kinks do you have or have you heard about oh well i think that um are you familiar i feel like i'm going to get in trouble for calling this a nerdy king but are you familiar with a court of thorns and roses it's a book that came out it's shortened to akatar a court of thones it's the acronym is akatar and it's about a fairy world And I have seen a huge increase in the number of people playing in the fantasy world with their kinks and interests. Monsters, werewolves, all of those things. They're all kinks that I would, I describe them as nerdy.

And that's probably not fair because maybe dorky is a better word, but these have negative connotation. Nerdy and dorky are completely positive phrases here in my opinion. Yes, wonderful. So anyway, I class those ones because people create their whole fantasy worlds. And I know I joked about Dungeons and Dragons, but sometimes I'll do posts where I refer to a dungeon because people imagine a dungeon when they think of kink, which isn't the case. It can be practiced in your own very vanilla-looking bedroom. But I'll get commenters who play Dungeons and Dragons, and they're like, oh, I thought this was about D&D, but it was about kink. And they'll say, like, oh, it doesn't matter.

I'm interested in both. So the joke is the Venn diagram is a circle for Dungeons and Dragons and Kingsters. So they're very used to coming up with their own worlds. And I have heard some really in-depth, nerdy things. Like role play? Are they dressing up as fairies? Oh, absolutely. Putting the little ears on.

I have a friend who has a kink roleplay box called Saturday Box. And one of her most popular selling boxes is the fairy box. Okay. Yeah. That's a blast. Yeah. Hell yeah. I love that.

There's no box that defines, that describes watching Jeopardy and getting a blowjob. But now that's on my list. What is Vanilla Kink for 500, Alex? No, I'm so vanilla. My safe word is, quote, safe word. Anyway. Okay, so back to me, but I want to talk about this world in a way that hopefully my listener can say, okay, Connell's been through this a little bit because I've dabbled in the world of kink.

Here's what I mean. I was on field off and on for a while. The dating app called Field, which, as I understand it, is very kink-focused. or kink-centric. Can you talk a little bit about field or dating apps in general? How can we talk about kink on our profiles? Can we talk about them when we match with people? It does it depend on the app that you're on. Yeah, I would love to talk about that. So I know on field you're able to choose your interests. For example, mine would say my interest is being submissive. I match with men who put up the tag being dominant, being a brat tamer, certain pink-related phrases that you're able to

choose on field, which is why Field is one of my favorite dating apps that isn't totally, I wouldn't call it totally kink focused. It's more alternative lifestyle focus, like ethically non-monogamous, polyamorous, open relationships, and kink. There are other totally kink focused ones like BD app, which is all just kinksters. Okay. So on apps like that, it's very easy to identify to say this is who I am. This is how I present. These are my interests. But on apps like Tinder or Bumble, you might need to be a little more subtle, especially since apps like that don't actually often allow you to use the word kink. So there's some coding that you can do with your app. Like there's some words you can use. You can just use the acronym DS, D for dominant. It's a capital

D forward slash lowercase S so it could say I'm the D in D S or looking for one time I had something that was pretty good for people who were in the know, but no vanilla person really caught on to it looking for the D to my S. And I'm in a capital D and people understood that. There are some world for now. There are these emojis that kinky people know stand for both things. Like there's the rope emoji. There's the devil. There's the black heart, the chains. Sometimes I will use the peach, a hand, and a ping pong paddle to imply that I like to be spanked. Nice. That's cute. That's cute and sexy. I like that. Yeah. So there are a little emoji codes you can use. The only thing I like vanilla is my ice cream.

You're implying that there's something other than vanilla. That's really good. Vanilla. That's really good. Little hints like that that say you have alternative interests or that you are kinky. There are even emojis you can use to say you're into BDSM that the app won't necessarily catch. Like, I believe it's the B and the M are emojis. And then you just write in the DS in between. And you can signify then you're into BDSM. So it depends how forward you want to be if you're trying to get around the app's restrictions or if you don't want anyone who's vanilla to understand what you're saying so that if someone else sees you on the app that you might know,

unless they're kinky too, they wouldn't understand. By your definition of kinky, if you had to make a guess, or maybe you have data, even better, but if you had to guess, what percentage of single women are kinky as you define it? As I define it, I would say 95%. I have one friend who is vanilla, and she is married, and we talk about this. I have one friend, and everybody else I talk to when I asked them a little bit, they've done something kinky. They've tried something kinky. They are into something that involves a little bit of power exchange, impact, something beyond what is considered vanilla, for sure.

So I'd say 95%. The problem is a lot of people in general do not like the word kink or to be defined as kink. The same. And then what I call non-kinksters hate the word vanilla because there are negative connotations to that that they might not be quote unquote exciting, which isn't the case. It's about how we're having our needs met. Didn't you say when we first spoke a couple weeks back and we were just chatting on the phone that you didn't like, you say kink has a branding problem. Is that right? Yes. I think kink has a PR problem. Yeah, I do. What is the PR problem? That every time you see or hear the word kink or BDSM, what do you imagine? When you found out I was called the kink consultant, what do you imagine my life looks like?

Well, I had an idea. Well, I can't really answer that. I get what you're asking. If you had asked me that 10 years ago, I would have gone to, oh, she's walking around with her, you know, 12-inch heels and thigh high, and she's got whips and cat-o-nine tails and whipped cream, all kinds of crazy. Weird, weird, sex stuff. Weird things. Right. And the truth is I do have all of that in a drawer that I can go grab, but 99% of the time, even when I'm being intimate with a partner, these are the clothes I'm wearing, and this is what's going to end up on the floor, and the kink is all in the headspace, right? I think we go ahead, finish your thought, please. Don't think about it that way because we only see what the media has shown us. Or something bad happens, kink related, and that gets blown out of proportion. So we are only hearing about negative stories related to kink. You mentioned you have that in a drawer.

I think we all have that in the proverbial drawer of our hearts, our loyons, our minds. We all have our little kinks. I like blowjobs during jeopardy, so sue me. I've had two different girlfriends at the time dress up like Jennifer Beals from Flash Dance, contentially, of course, for my birthday, and do the song on Flash Dancing. And obviously they didn't come up with this by themselves. No, it was all very, they were like, what do you want for your birthday? Guess what? I found these leg warmers on Amazon if you're up for wearing them.

And I just love your definition of kink. I love how universal and inclusive it is. And how, yeah, 95% of us are kinky by your definition. And I think more people need to know that. Also, I love that you ask for what you wanted for your birthday. I genuinely, I love celebrating when someone advocates for what they want. Because I'm really glad both of those people did it for you. Even when the person doesn't do it, it's a huge step to say this is what I want. And that's part of the de-shamifying process.

Sometimes it's met with more shame if the person's not open to it. But I think at the beginning, I said, you have to understand that says more about them than you and your own desires. So I always want to celebrate people asking for what they want. Fantastic. Back to, I want to run quickly through my field experience. The last time I was single or one of the times I was single, I was on and off a field. And the women I met, I remember both on the app and then the women I met and dated a few times. I remember feeling it felt so free to just not even worry about how I was being perceived

in terms of coming off as weird or creepy. I just remember feeling like, wow, what a cool place to be. And I know it's not the Kink app. Kink is only part of what field is. And I don't know those other apps you mentioned. But I just remember thinking, wow, I feel like people can just so much more lean into being themselves here. and my whole podcast is about authenticity.

Whoever you are, show that to people with respect, with calibration socially, but, you know, really lean into who you are. And what I love about how I felt meeting some of these women on field was, wow, these women are really owning who they are, what they want, how they feel. I was more a student learning about that world, but I was, I loved it and I loved how free they felt and I love the lack of judgment. It's really freeing to be surrounded by people who are non-judgmental and most importantly, curious. That's what I find a lot of people on field are very curious and interested in who you are and why you are the way you are. Whereas I did not find that on Tinder. Right. Yeah.

I never got scammed once on field or, you know, marketed to in some totally fake way. Not that I recall anyway. No, same. And Tinder is rampant with it. Right. it's rampant with fake profiles I had a AI date online date that I didn't even know was AI

the person's face was literally AI it was like talking to whoa that's the first time I'm hearing that yeah I don't know it was AI you didn't know I did sorry I knew it was AI I couldn't tell what it was it was the uncanny Valley kicked in and I was like wait this kind of looks like her photos but something is off here and I realized oh my God

I'm looking at an incredible facsimile of a human face, but it was not a real face. That's what the technology is capable of these days. And again, my limited experience on field was people were just people. They were leaning into their sexual desires. It was, we were both on the same page on the few dates I had. And it wasn't transactional, but it was, hey, we both know why we're here. Why are we hiding it?

I got the rope. You got the apartment. Let's go. It was kind of like beautifully like win-win. So I'm pro at least my experience on field. And in the world of kink or kink-adjacent apps, I think they're worth checking out if this is something that appeals to you. Absolutely.

And I didn't mean to say it wasn't kinky. It's just there's so much more to it than just kink. Right. Oh, you get a little bit of everything. And I dated women who they went on field. It wasn't about kink so much as, oh, they wanted to be, what's the word? Unicorn? What's a unicorn? Oh, a unicorn is when you're a single woman and you're looking for a couple to play with.

Right. Like that people go there for that too. And I'm just like, again, if it's consensual, we're all on the same page, two or more people. It's legal. We're of age. Yeah. It's rock. Go for it. Absolutely. And I encourage people to at least go see what's out there for them, you know? Especially if they're on the fence, there is nothing wrong with making a profile and just seeing what's out there. I agree. I totally. agree. Any final, I have a couple fun little questions to finish up with, but before we get to some silly closing questions, for the guys listening to this who has very little sexual experience and maybe even some virgins listening. Yeah. And my virgins are my guys. I have deflowered more virgins than insert Game of Thrones joke here. They're all men. I've deflowered. I love that

joke. But for the sexually inexperienced or the complete sexual newbie, what advice would Amanda the kink consultant to say to that guy? It's funny because I also have worked with virgins before who know they're kinky and I encourage them to start slow and do their own research and think about what they're into because I think too often virgins just just want to make somebody else happy and they're because they are very focused on I'm new to this. The way this is going to go well is if I'm totally focused on my partner and making them feel good or happy. And I have to remind them, no, this is a mutual thing. Tell me more about what you're interested in and what makes you happy or what you think you're interested in. And let's find

ways to explore that first before introducing it to someone else. And whether that's, I deal very heavily in the world of kinks. So whether that's finding an in-person class, like going online and finding a kink community to join and be social with, to learn more. I recommend those things. And they might sound advanced or scary. But for a man who's kinky and is a virgin, it also ties into your question about de-shamifying things. Get out into your community and be around more people who share your kinks and interest because you start to realize, oh, this person's a lawyer. This one's in finance. Yeah. These are, these people are doing the same jobs. I'm doing. They're living the same life. I'm living. They're all so kinky. This is so much more normal than I thought. So that's just

something I just want to get out there. And then recognize what your own interests are. And you said something earlier about social boundaries. What is it? I don't know how you just put it, but basically it's sort of like be authentic, socially conscious maybe about. Yeah, socially calibrated. Empathetic. Socially calibrated. Yep. As you explore, be socially calibrated to what the other person wants as well, but don't forget your own desires in it.

And I work with people to say, okay, check in with yourself. How are you feeling about it? What excites you? I'm very big on the internal loop of how you're feeling. I think that's so important. Yeah. What's healthier than being in touch with who you are and what you want while combining that with empathizing for the other person and making sure it's,

you're noticing how they feel as much as you can. Yeah. To me, that's beautiful. That's where you get those win-win experiences where your girlfriend dresses up like Jennifer Beals from Flashdance. Thank you, Texas. And the important thing about that one is you weren't waiting for someone to guess and they weren't guessing at what you wanted. There was a conversation.

So I think too many times, and this is table stakes, too many times we're taught that great sex just happens. And it doesn't work that way. There are so many conversations about it. I will say you can never over-communicate before a scene. It is better to talk about it at length, to talk about every single thing you want, you're worried about you'd like to try and experience. I would rather talk for 20 minutes before something

than have to spend two weeks dissecting it after if it went wrong. Right. You know, there's no shame in asking. Yes, communication is everything. Clear, genuine communication. That's another really good memory I have from my, field dabbling dates, I felt all of a sudden I felt like we were both liberated to talk about sex and what we were both into or not into. One woman, I remember a detail, she told me on our

first date, she said, and she didn't, she wasn't saying this sheepishly, she was just saying, oh, this is what it was. She lost her rigidity, consensually, by, she was at some sort of a play party and it was public. And she was tied up, again, all consensual. And it was done with 25, 30 people watching. And she was like, oh, I loved it. It felt incredible. It was a dream come true. It was the most amazing way to lose my virginity. And I remember thinking, oh, my God, I, I'm so I wasn't just attracted to her as a person. She was very pretty and cool. But I just was so attracted to the, how she owned it. The freedom, the autonomy. Yes. Absolutely. And if anything, I felt a little insecure because all I have is my Jeopardy story.

I mean, honestly, yeah, but now you have the flash dance thing, too. I didn't know about that. Do not sell yourself short. I'm vanilla with a little bit of hot fudge, a little bit of caramel, not too much. But that's the thing. I wouldn't consider it. I know, I know. It's like not vanilla at all.

You're right. You're right. I'm in the 95%, which I love your new definition of kink. I love that. And the big thing I push back against, not push back, but I try to help my clients rewire, is this idea, not in sex so much, but just men making moves or men asserting what they want. So many men are afraid to look a woman in the eye on the date and say, I want to kiss you, or I want to see you again. Or to see that woman in the bar and approach her, which is a physical action of saying, I want something. Yeah.

And there's a real power in owning the. I want. There's nothing creepy or weird about that, in my opinion, as long as you are socially calibrated and empathetic to how they respond, if it goes great, you might have an amazing date. If they say thanks but no thanks, walk away, nice meeting you. There's nothing wrong with being a man who has wants and putting them out there to see if that woman wants the same thing. You could not have put it any better. That is exactly what it's all about. It's okay to have wants and desires and to share them. And it's okay to be rejected and realize that's not a reflection on you. Right. Yeah, I tell the story. I've told the story probably too many

times here, but there's a story in my book how I, early on in my approaching journey as a single guy figuring out how to meet women. I approached a table. Sitting at the table was a very pretty blonde, her brunette friend, short brown hair and a big mussely guy. This is on a rooftop bar in Laura Manhattan. And my wingman said, go over there and approach them. And we had to agree that we were going to do what the other person said. So I had to, basically. I walk over, I sit down at their table at a rooftop bar.

And I'm nervous. I'm thinking I'm going to get my butt kicked. They're going to say, go away. I'm bothering them. I sit down and I own it as much as I can. I walk over and say, hey, guys, what's up? How's your night? I'm Connell.

And I sit down. And the brunette leans like halfway across the table. table and she says, oh my God, you just came over here and talk to us. Do you know what you are? And in my mind, I'm thinking a skinny ginger who's about to get his butt kicked by that muscle milk with legs sitting next to you. But I kept my cool. I'm like, what do you mean? What am I? And she said, you're normal. You just came over here and talked to us. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. And then she pointed to a different table. Another ginger. I remember that. Another ginger, like my doppelganger. She said, see that guy over there? He's been staring at us all night, and that's creeping us out.

And to me, that was such a powerful lesson. I think there's nothing creepy or weird or wrong at all about being a man going after what you want, as long as you have heart and empathy. What can read as creepy to women is just being that guy who stares at them, who wants to take an action, but doesn't. He's timid. He's afraid. That can be read as creepy. So don't creepy. Go make the move. Don't be creepy. And also, there's nothing wrong with rejection, but accept it and walk away, too. Yeah. It's sort of like you're in the moment, you try it. It works or it doesn't. That is a great story. And even I am impressed with what I think a lot of people would consider a very brave move. Thank you. That's a good tip,

actually, for men looking to approach. Go out with a wingman. Give each other, sorry, give your wingman a hundred bucks and say, I will do whatever you tell me. I will approach any woman you tell me to. And if I fail at any point, you can keep the 100. You will take action that night. I love when there's like skin in the game. Money on the table. Yeah, we used to do things like that just to keep leverage going.

Okay, I have some stupid, dumb, fun questions. I'm going to play a little game with you called. I love playing games. Called, gee, I wonder why. You know what business. Surprise, surprise. It's called kinkier vanilla. I'm going to say a thing, and you tell me if you think it's kinky or vanilla.

It doesn't even have to be sexual. It can just be whatever, just as a thing. Okay. How about, well, I just saw the movie. How about the new Superman in Superman movie? That Superman, is he kinky or vanilla? Superman, I think, is the epitome of vanilla. Why?

The wholesomeness of it. it's there's very little deviation from this normal because he's he's trying so hard to be normal which in a way makes him baseline kinky oh this game is hard this isn't fun this is a difficult game sorry i break your brain yeah you did break my brain it's superman's my favorite superhero oh okay yeah so you like vanilla guys that is actually a problem for me yeah i don't tend to go for Vanilla guys. Yeah. No, he's my favorite because I think that I look for a strong leader who's always trying

to do the right thing because I want someone who's noble. And there's just very little darkness in him. And I love that about Superman. And I think maybe that's why I called him Vanilla. Like Batman's so kinky. So kinky. Oh, right? Come on.

He's got all the gadgets, the gear. So kinky. Have you seen the Joel Schumacher Batman movies, the nipple plates? That's very kinky. Which ones were those? The ones from the 90s? Yeah. Yeah.

The George Clooney one. Oh, the Belgian years. Definitely. Yeah. Okay. George Clooney. But kinky or vanilla? Vanilla.

Yeah, I get that too. Yeah. Yeah. How about, back to Superman? How about General Zod? The one. Oh, God. I don't know who General Zod is.

Oh, he's the bad guy from Superman, too, who tried to take over the world. Basically, Superman's arch enemy. bad darkness probably kinky okay yeah not all bad not all bad guys are kinky but he would be okay what what famous person male or female do you think they're perceived as one but you think for the other like whose scenes vanilla but they're probably really kinky i don't know if everyone would recognize this but there's an actor named michael fastbender and he will i that man is kinky i will tell you i am convinced that if you wrote a script where he had to spank someone in the script you could get him to do your movie he does he do a spanking in movies yes so i'm really

into spanking so i notice it i can i mean i was he an inglorious bastards no yeah okay he was amazing in that scene stealer and he spanked someone before they get into a car he i think he probably spanked someone in the movie shame i am telling you there are he That man is kinky. Okay. I don't even know if he's trying to pretend to be vanilla, but he presents as vanilla. Okay. Yeah.

There you go. One more. Let's go with what, believe present company excluded. What president was kinky? Well, I mean, we, I don't think. Anybody? Melania Trump is Trump's Dom. You can't convince me otherwise.

Do you see how she dresses, how she walks, how she withholds connection with him? She, like, pulls her hand away. It's like he has to earn every bit of affection from her. I think that's kinky. There's actually, there is a creator online who, her entire account is just that Melania is Donald Trump's Dom. I get those vibes. Yeah. I totally get those vibes.

Who else would probably be considered kinky? I mean, Abraham Lincoln was definitely kinky. there's no way he wasn't I just think that he's got that look the height the good speeches the willingness to

go his own path let's see I think that Biden was probably vanilla I think that the bushes were all vanilla like there are just some people who just give off vanilla

those are some presidents who did fascinating. See, we're talking politics now. I love this podcast. We can go to all kinds of all corners of the world. All corners. Amanda, thank you so much for joining us. Before we leave, I want you to tell the listener how they can learn more about you, how they can work with you, or find out about working with you. How can people find you? Yeah, people can find me on Instagram at the underscore kink consultant, so they can DM me there at Amanda dames.com, A-N-D-A-D-A-M-E-S.com. And on there, you can book a consult with me to work with me.

There's also a downloadable sheet called Speaking Your Desires with Confidence. And that is a worksheet that you and your partner can work through to share what your kinky fantasies are. And it's a step-by-step guide on what I described before of how to introduce kink. It just comes with a worksheet. So I highly recommend if anyone out there thinks they're kinky, they're starting to see someone, it's a fun little worksheet to do together, to share desires. I think one of the many things we've learned today is that almost everybody's kinky.

And I think that's absolutely spot on 100%. There's zero shame in it. They ain't no shame in the kink game. In fact, it's who you are probably. And if you're one of the 5%, that's totally fine too. That's totally fine too. It's about what fills your cup. Absolutely.

My mom and dad were so vanilla. Oh, my God. I think I was the last time they had sex. I'm pretty sure it was the last time. I'm pretty sure with each other anyway. Have you ever asked? Oh, God, no. My dad, Catholic, I could never ask such a thing.

Also, well, also grew up Catholic, but I did have my mom on the podcast to ask her if she knew anything about me being kinky when I was growing up. Because as I said, I was born this way, and I felt like such a weirdo and a freak. but it was all in my head she had no idea she was like no look i had no inkling that you were interested in anything else so but i don't blame you for not asking your parent i just i was so curious and a lot of people always wonder oh i wonder if my parents knew when they're kinky i'm like oh let me have my mom on and i'll ask her point blank i'll ask my dad i'm going to see him in a few weeks yeah let me know how that goes because i think that we are surprised by we could be surprised by our parents' lives.

You're right. I just watched, well, sorry, I can talk forever about movies, but I just watched Back to the Future for the 50th time. And, yeah, Michael J. Fox, Marty McFly, goes back in time, finds out my mom was horny. Yes. She drank whiskey. She was horny for him, actually.

Talk about kinky. I was going to say. Anyway, Amanda, thank you so much. Your mission now from here, other than continuing to help your amazing clients. is go watch a clip from Superman 2, 1980, General Zod, kinky bastard. I want you to tell me what you think. I absolutely will. All right.

And thank you for listening, by the way. If you want to chat with me, because you want to find out if dating coaching is something that can help you attract a girlfriend, maybe even a super kinky one, go to datingtransformation.com, and you can book a free call to chat with me, and we'll talk and figure out if I can help you are not. And Amanda, until we speak again, which I hope we do. And thank you for listening. And don't forget your dream girlfriend, she is out there. And she's going to love you, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic and kinky you. Until next time.