How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - Text This, NOT That: 18 Texts that Get You the Date—or Get You Ghosted

Episode Date: October 1, 2026

What kind of text should you never send a woman—and what should you send instead? Dating coach Connell Barrett breaks down 9 texts that can hurt your chances with her, and shares 9 charming alternatives that can help you get more replies and land more dates.STRUGGLING TO TEXT WOMEN? BOOK A FREE CONSULTATION TO TALK WITH CONNELL ABOUT COACHING: DatingTransformation.comGET A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”: Email: [e-mail] (Write “Book” in Subject Line)

Look, flirting is not really that complicated once you understand it. It's about playfulness. It's about letting a woman know that you're interested, but in a light, playful way. Hey, welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. Today I've got a lean, mean, short, but very valuable episode today. I post a lot on Instagram about texting. And clearly from an outroar of guys saying,

more texting help. That's some of my best performing content. And I want to share with you something that went a little bit viral recently. And I think it'll really help you. I call it don't text her this, text or this, not that. I'm going to give you nine of the most common text mistakes that men make, or I should say specifically the wrong texts that guys send to women, and what to text her instead. So let's get right to it. I call this, I call this, I call this, Text this, not that. Number one, let's say you message a woman, or you've been messaging with a woman, and then she goes quiet. Don't text her this. Hello, did you get my text? Are you there? You're going to get ghosted pretty much for sure. Text her this instead. Dear diary, charming woman is missing. Send search party, question mark, flashlight emoji. The reason this works is because, look, Flirting is not really that complicated once you understand it. It's about playfulness. It's about letting a woman know that you're interested, but in a light, playful way. And the Dear Diary

follow-up message is a charming, non-needy way for you to say, hey, did you get my message? Are you going to message me back or not? So you don't want to say, hello, did you get my message? Because that comes off as over-eager, at best, needy at worst. instead you want to keep things light and fun. So one of my favorites is Dear Diary, Charming Woman is missing. Send Surge Party. And this is really important because if she's an attractive woman with a lot of reasonable options, you have no idea what her inbox looks like, her texting inbox, either on the apps or off.

She's getting so many guys trying to message her. So we do need to follow up. But you want to follow up in a way that shows light. charm, not neediness or eagerness. Okay, here's the second one. Don't texture this. How was your weekend? It's cliche.

It doesn't offer anything. It doesn't have any juice to it. Texture this instead. I'll bet my weekend kicked your weekends, but maybe with like a sunglasses emoji. This does two things really well. it creates curiosity in her to make her say, well, why? What was so cool about your weekend? What did you do? Now she's asking you questions, which is great. But more importantly, let me just compare these again. Let me show you. How is your weekend? That's a guy asking her to answer

his question, not offering anything. I'll bet my weekend kicked your weekends, but there's a little bit a cheeky edge there. And that is really attractive to women, that sense of cheekiness. And so it also creates curiosity as well. All right, here's the third text, not to send her. Don't send her this. Good morning, beautiful. Send her this instead. Good morning, beautiful. Oh, I was talking to myself, but you're cute too. My clients really love this one because it's funny. It's confident and playful. Again, there's that word. playful. And now I want to back up one second. Good morning, beautiful. If a woman is your girlfriend, great. If you've already been intimate or there's a clear, deep, romantic connection, it's not the

worst thing in the world the text. However, in the courtship phase of dating, it can come off a little bit too much too soon. But a nice, cheeky, good morning, beautiful. Oh, I was talking to myself, but you're cute too. There's a fun little humorous reversal there that a lot of women will find funny. Okay, let me take a quick pause here. I'm a dating coach, as you know, hopefully you know, and I do one-on-one coaching for guys to help them get more dates, get women responding by text, get ghosted less. A lot of guys hire me for in-person approach coaching. A lot of guys come to New York City to work with me and I help them approach women. I do in-person approach coaching, but I also do approach coaching with anybody who lives anywhere in the world. So if you're interested in learning

about how my one-on-one coaching works, go to datingtransformation.com. You can book a free consultation to talk with me about how my coaching works. And if you don't want to coach or aren't looking for coaching, that's cool. Email me free book, and I will send you a free copy of my best-selling book. Dating sucks, but you don't because my book, has all my best coaching and flirting and approaching advice, at least as of a few years ago when it came out. So feel free to book a free call with me at datingtransformation.com or you can just email free book and I will send you a free copy of my book just because I want guys to have as much success as they can, whether they work with me or not. Okay, here's the next text, never send

this. Let's say you've asked her out and she wrote back something like, Oh, maybe I'll get back to you. Don't text her this. Maybe. Okay. Well, try to get back to me on Friday. Exclamation point, happy face. Texture this instead.

I'm not a maybe guy. Are you free Friday? What's the verdict? You want to try to lead a woman to a yes or a no. So don't settle for maybe. Now, we want to be careful here. I don't want you to get, I don't want it to come off as two.

mean to like negative. Hey, I don't want to hear maybe. Are you free or not? Don't say, are you free or not? I have very carefully chosen this. Again, I'm not a quote, maybe a guy. Are you free Friday or whatever day? What's the verdict? There's a neutral decisiveness to that that is attractive to a lot of women. And if it's not attractive to her, If she gets back and says, no, I'm not Free Friday, great. At least you have your answer and you're not proverbially sitting by your phone. So again, don't text. Okay, great.

Well, get back to me. Let me know when you're free. I'm here whenever you are. We don't want that kind of too eager vibe. I'm a big fan of, oh, well, actually, I'm not a maybe guy. Are you free Friday? What's the verdict? Or sometimes I'll write, are you free?

Circle, yes. No. or I'm secretly married. Bottom line is I'm going to get her to an answer either way. Hopefully the answer is yes, but if it's no, that's fine too. Okay, don't send this next text to a woman. After her first date, I had a good time last night, and I'd love to see you again, exclamation point, three happy faces.

I appreciate the positivity there. It's a little bit overly eager. Text her this instead. Hey, you had a good time last night. And you'd love to see me again. Winky face. Again, think how close these are, but also how different. Don't send, I had a good time last night, and I'd love to see you again.

Do send, you had a good time last night, and you'd love to see me again. This works because cheeky beats eager every time. This wonderful woman I dated many years ago told me how when I sent her this message after our first date, she was literally looking at her phone with a female co-worker as she and I were texting. Her name's Katie. And she later told me, oh, yeah, my coworker and I both really like that. We laughed. So it shows a cheeky confidence.

Okay, next, don't text her this. Tell me more about you. Text her this. Less texting, more kissing. What night are you free? Now, remember, she's a woman on a dating app or, or, we're texting you or messaging you. She wants a date, not a pen pal. So don't text her, tell me more about you. The context I'm referring to here is before you've ever even met her.

Now, if you're texting and vibing and really already have already gotten together, it's okay to say, tell me more about you. That's not the worst thing in the world. But too many men get stuck in pen pal mode. They message forever and ever. They've gone through two or three or four, topics and she's basically like, are you going to ask me out or not? So I like this. Talk about a direct man. Less texting, more kissing. What night are you free? Boom. Powerful, right? Polarizing, yes. Not every single woman. Not any text is going to work with every woman. But we need to be at times walking up to the edge of polarizing to get the committed yeses and the good data connections so that so that you can get the dates and eventually the girlfriend that you want.

Okay, just a few more here. Next text. Don't text her this. So let's say it's like a day before the date, right? Don't text her this. So are we still on for tomorrow? Don't text her. Just confirming, we good for tomorrow?

Text her this. I'll be extra handsome tomorrow. So you better bring your A game. Winky face or sunglasses emoji. It's a date. It's not a business lunch. You don't want to confirm a date in a logistical way. That totally makes sense when you're confirming your lunch meeting with your accountant. It's very different when you're meeting Isabella on Friday night, and she wants a light, fun, flirting night. And the reason why you don't want to confirm a date this way, you do want to confirm a date.

Don't get me wrong, but you want to confirm it with some flirtatious playfulness. because when she writes back something like, oh, well, I better bring my A game. You better be extra handsome. Or maybe she'll say, okay, well, we'll just see who's more attractive when we meet up. She just confirmed the date, but she confirmed it in a way where you're both flirting with each other. So now you're getting her more excited about the date because you're helping her feel those good emotions that women want to feel.

So I like that. There's other ways to confirm the date in a non-logical business. way. But I like this one a lot. I used to also send this one a lot. I would text this day of sometimes. Let's say you have a nighttime date. I used to send this at about noon. I would say, hey, I'm at the gym. Getting my biceps huge for our big date tonight, parentheses, nervously twiddling my thumbs, weightlifter emoji. And when she responds with an LOL to that, boom, you just confirm the date. And the reason why we don't want to confirm in a logical way is because that can give her an out. We don't want to give a woman an out on canceling if we can avoid it, right? So I don't

like to say, hey, are we still on? Because I'm opening the door to a yes or a no. I would rather confirm the date in a way that makes it more likely she'll say yes than if she's, look, if she's going to cancel or flake or what have you, fine. It happens. but don't make it easier for her, is my advice. Make it less likely through good old fashion, good, flirty vibes. Okay, here's one more. Don't text her this. You are so hot. Text her this instead. Your photo melted my iPhone. So you owe me a new phone. A little fire emoji. Women want witty or clever, not fawning. And you are so hot as fawning. It's at least by text before you've met, it's fawning or it can be, it can feel fawning to women. There's a fine line

between flirting and fawning. Fawning is, oh my God, you're above me. You're so gorgeous. You're incredible. I can't believe I'm talking to you or some vowing. live like that. Fawning is what fans do to their, you know, favorite singer, musician, actor, actress. And women don't want to quote unquote date down. If you come off as fawning, she's going to feel like, oh, I'm dating down. She doesn't want a guy who fawns. She wants a guy who flirts. And the difference is flirting is letting her know her beauty is affecting you. That's flirtatious. So that's why I like this. Your photo. melted my iPhone. So you owe me a new phone. So you're letting her know she's hot, but you're doing it

in a more, a more unexpected way in a non-fawning way. Also, it's just a cliche to say, you're hot, you're gorgeous, you're sexy. I'd much rather you stand out from all those other guys and come off as witty and charming and, but still flirtatious because women do want to flirt. I'll end with this. for all this talk about texting and texting is important. Texting is so important as a tool to get the date as a way to keep the spark going before and after a date. Texting is a very important and powerful tool. But keep this in mind, texting is not as important as a lot of men think. At least it's important to get the date.

But once you've met her, she's going to like you. you for you. Or if you guys don't hit it off and don't have a mutual attraction, that's okay too. But really, just think of texting as a fun flirt, a fun flirtatious tool to get the date. And then how the date goes, how you show up with confidence, with authenticity, helping her feel good, leading her on a fun date. That's what's going to get you the second date and beyond. So think of texting or flirting in general. It's like frosting on a cake. but the cake is you, sir. It's your personality, your authentic self, your life story, everything you bring to her table.

That is so much more valuable than what you text. So I'm not saying texting is unimportant. I'm just saying a lot of guys make it too important or put too much onus on it. It's important, but nothing. Flirting is important. Frosting makes a cake taste better, but without the cake, nobody wants it. Okay. Again, go to datingtransformation.com if you would like to book a free consultation with me to find out about my coaching.

And maybe we'll talk soon until the next episode.