How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The 10 Most Surprisingly Sexy Things to Say on a First Date

Episode Date: August 28, 2026

It sucks when a first date seemed to go well, and then you hear those five frustrating words: “I didn’t feel a connection.” What was missing? Likely, a sexy spark. In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach Connell Barrett counts down the top 10 most surprisingly sexy things you can say on a first date. Listen now, so you can start getting texts like this: “So, when are we going out again? ;)”STRUGGLING TO GET SECOND DATES? BOOK A FREE CONSULTATION WITH CONNELL:DatingTransformation.comGET A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”:Email: [e-mail] (Write “Book” in Subject Line)

Men are so afraid of seeming try hard that they don't try at all. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you get more dates, flirt with confidence, and find an incredible girlfriend who likes you for you because that's the way it works. Women are drawn to a man who is confident in his authentic self and knows how to create those sparks with women. That's how this all works.

And speaking of the topic of creating sparks, today I want to talk about the all-important first date and how you can stop hearing, hey, it was nice meeting you, but I didn't feel a connection. And start hearing, hey, when are we going out again? Or here's what we should do for our second date. Or having a woman text you, wow, there's just something about our date last night. I just had so much fun. I can't wait to see you again. So let's talk about that. I want to give you what I have come up with as the 10 most surprisingly sexy things you can say to a woman on a first date.

Being, creating a sexual spark, romantic tension, there's an art to it. And what I'm not going to talk about today is ways to, you know, give her the sexy eyes or see. sexual connotation. We're not talking about double entendres. We're not talking about saying the thing that creates sexual sparks. We're talking about being sexy in a surprising way. There's different ways to be sexy. And let's just get right to it. Let me count down the top 10 most surprisingly sexy things you can say on first dates. So you can make a woman feel, for a woman who likes your type, you can help her feel, wow, this guy is different from other guys. It was so sexy what he said.

It was so sexy what he did. So here we go. Sexy thing to say, surprisingly sexy thing to say, number 10, you just made every woman here invisible. Now, this is something you can say right when she walks into that venue, you're at the bar, you're at the table at the restaurant. And she walks in looking beautifully well put together. Here's why this works.

This is a cinematic way to compliment her beauty, but to do it in a way that doesn't sound try hard or cliche, like every other guy. By the way, most guys either don't compliment a woman on her appearance or her beauty because they're afraid. They're afraid of rejection. They're afraid for coming off as creepy. or they go the other way and they make it all about her looks.

Oh my God. You know, you are so hot. And the idea of saying you just made every other woman here look invisible. You're saying you look and are gorgeous, but you're not objectifying her. And you're doing it in a way that's comparing her in a complementary way to every other woman in the room. You're not saying the other women in the room are detractive. you're saying, wow, there's something about the way you look. I got this idea from, I was watching the Jeff Bridges movie, Crazy Heart.

There's an amazing scene in Crazy Heart when he's talking to Maggie Gyllenhaal, who plays a journalist interviewing Jeff Bridges, this legendary country rock singer. And she's trying to do the interview with him. and he just looks at her and says, let's talk about how you make, let's talk about how bad you make everybody else here look. And you just see her, her blush. So I like that. You just made every other woman here look invisible.

It's almost a cinematic thing you can have in your back pocket. By the way, obviously, I'm going to give you 10 specific things you can say. Feel free to take any of these and personalize them. The most powerful thing to say to a woman is something that comes from deep inside you in your own words. So think of these as like mad libs. You can fill in the blanks. You can change it. You can make them your own.

Okay. The ninth most surprisingly sexy thing to say on a first date. I've been nervous all day about meeting you. Why is that sexy? Well, vulnerability is a real turn on. It takes real confidence. for a man to admit he's nervous rather than faking false confidence. And something magical can happen when you lean into those nerves.

It's like steering into the skid on an icy road. You don't try to steer out of it. Steer into that skid. Similarly, if you're nervous, if you have butterflies on a first date, don't hide them. You can actually lean into them. I remember the first time I did this is when I first started going on a lot of dates in the mid-Doubles, mid-Doubles 2005, 2006. That's when I started really working hard on my dating life. And I was getting a lot of dates, mainly from online dating.

And I just remember being really nervous on a couple of them. And one woman walks in and I said, can I be honest, I've been nervous all day about meeting you. Excited but nervous. She smiled and blushed. And I said, yeah, I've been looking at every woman walking in thinking, is that her? Is that Katie? That kind of looks like her. Oh, I hope that's Katie.

And she loved it. And she said she opened up as well. She got vulnerable too and said, I feel the same. I've been really excited about meeting you. So it's a way to open up and be vulnerable in those very first minutes of a date. And there's something really powerful about that. Most men are not vulnerable with women. most men think oh i need to play it cool i need to say cool lines i need or i need to be mysterious

fuck that don't be mysterious don't play it cool play it clear and be vulnerable so i really like number nine i've been nervous all day about meeting you by the way if that's not true don't say it don't be inauthentic but if it's real let's keep it real baby all right number eight the eighth most surprisingly sexy thing you can say on a first date. You changed my mind about that. Why is that sexy? Well, a woman can see, a woman likes the feeling of seeing that she can move you. It lets her imagine having an impact on you in your life, which is what she's going to want to do with her future boyfriend, her future partner.

She wants to matter to you or to the man she's going to end up with. and letting her know that something she said on the date changed your mind or made you think twice about an opinion of feeling you have, that's surprisingly sexy because you're letting her know, hey, you're having an effect on me. That's going to make her feel like she's contributing. She's mattering to you. On our first date, my girlfriend, my now girlfriend changed my mind about the kind of dog. I was planning to rescue or to adopt.

I was planning to adopt like a pure bread, like a Frenchie. She said, no, you should absolutely get a rescue. There's no other feeling like rescuing an animal. And she opened up a bit about her cat rescue sideline. She does volunteer work at a cat rescue place, a cat shelter. And she changed my mind about that. And I told her. And that's, I just saw her eyes light up and say, wow, that's great.

So it's a way to give the other person the gift of contributing, of mattering to you. And once again, I'll say this one last time and then I'll shut up about it. If she didn't change your mind about something, don't say it. Don't use these as just lines to say. Anything you say, anything, any of these sexy things to say. You have to mean them. It has to be real. These magic, there aren't magical words that make a woman romantically attracted to you. But if you feel these things and you let the feeling be the wave on which these words are crashing into her like in the ocean,

oh, she's going to feel it and it's going to matter more to her. All right. The seventh, sexiest, most surprisingly sexy, thing you can say on a first date. I'm trying to impress you a little bit. Why is that sexy? Well, I wrote a dating book called dating sucks, but you don't. In my dating book, I write, men are so afraid of seeming try hard that they don't try at all. A little quote from my book. Showing effort is sexy to women. Women like a man with intentionality. A man who is trying to woo her. I don't remember the exact specific first date where I said this, but I know I said it a few times in my single days when I was figuring out first dates. I was cracking the code because I got

stuck in the friend zone. I had seven, eight, ten straight first dates where it was like, Connell, just not feeling it. You're a nice guy, but I'm not feeling it. And I was trying to crack the code. And part of what helped me crack the code was, again, this comes back to the vulnerability piece, leaning into this idea that, hey, I'm interested in you. I'm trying to impress you a bit. And letting a woman know that, letting a woman know it. And back in the day, I was a journalist. I got to take some really cool trips and go to cool places. And I remember coming back from a, trip to New Zealand. I had gone to New Zealand to do a travel article about golf courses there and to interview Tiger Woods' caddy, who is a Kiwi. And I was telling a woman about my trip. And she said, boy, you get to travel to some really cool places for your job. And I said, yeah, that's true. Also, I'm trying to impress you a little bit. And because what is what's signal does that send? It sends the signal that I'm a man, I'm interested in you, and I'm

courting you. I'm trying to impress you. And there's something like too much of that would be a bad thing. This is just a little dollop of trying to oppress her. If you spend the whole date trying to say every little thing you think she wants to hear, no, that's too much of a good thing. But just a little bit of I'm trying to impress you. That's the right amount. That's number seven. All right. Here's a brief interruption to let you know that I'm a dating coach, of course. And I do one-on-one personalized coaching.

And if you are interested, if you struggle with what to say on first dates, if you just lack confidence in yourself when you're with or talking to women, or especially an attractive woman, and if you just don't get second and third dates, which is one of my biggest sticking points back in the day, then you can go to my website, datingtransformation.com, and you can book a free consultation call to have with me, where you and I will talk about your dating goals. I'll help you clarify exactly what you want, the kind of girlfriend you want, the approaching results you want, the online date, maybe you just don't get dates and you want more dates. We would come up with a game plan to help you get the exact kind of dating outcome that you're looking for.

And we would also talk about my coaching and how my coaching work. So if you are interested in learning about how my one-on-one dating coaching works, then go to datingtransformation.com. Okay. Back to the countdown. Here is the sixth. Sixth, most surprisingly sexy thing to say on a first date. I don't know anything about that.

Tell me more. Why is that sexy? Well, I've coached over 2,000 men, one-on-one now at this point, and I've said to most of them, humility is hot. Women are drawn to a confident man, yes, who is also confident enough to be humble, to show some humility. And it can be really easy on first dates to feel like, I need to know everything about everything.

I can't show weakness. And honestly, if you don't know something, let her tell you about it and be honest and say, I don't know anything about that. I had a client back in the day. He was one of my first clients back in the early teens. The early teens. Hold on. My cat is trying to knock over this piece of cardboard.

And this client is, former client is a doctor. And this guy is incredibly, incredibly successful physician, the head of some clinic. I forget, it's been many years. And not to mention fit and handsome, just a great guy. And we were talking about this, and he said, oh, I had a date recently, and I didn't know anything about Shakespeare. And I felt so stupid because she's into Shakespeare.

And I tried to pretend like I knew about Shakespeare. And I said, you don't need to do that. Just say, I don't know anything about Shakespeare. Tell me more. What should I read? Why should I learn about William Shakespeare? Admit if you don't know something because it takes a certain amount of confidence to admit that. And also, she's not going to judge you negatively if you don't know about something.

If anything, I love making a woman feel like helping her feel like she's the expert in that thing. Tell me more about that. Educate me. That's a wonderful part of a first date to be able to hold on. a second. Stop. Hey, kitty, kitty. I had to yell at my cat. My cat's scratching this nice chair I have. Do not scratch daddy's orange chair. I have these orange little tabbies, and they have scratching posts, which they always ignore. So I, there's something, you're giving a woman a gift to be able to say, oh, I don't know anything about skiing.

or I don't know, gosh, I had a first date with my now good friend Brooke. She became my girlfriend for a while. She talked all about her love of sketching and using coloring books, but in a very advanced artistic way. I'm like, tell me more about that. There's this whole world of people who love that kind of sketchbook color creating, and I just wanted to know more about it. So you're not going to come off as low value or low status. If you don't know something, just admit it and say, tell me more.

Again, you're probably noticing a theme here. A lot of these surprisingly sexy things to say are just you being vulnerable enough to say, I don't know. Or here's something I don't know about, but by being confident enough in yourself, that's actually really sexy. Okay. Number five, the fifth most surprisingly sexy thing to say. on a first date enough about me tell me something about you no one else knows you know there's an old

saying to be interesting be interested and some men fall into the pattern of talking primarily about themselves that's probably not you if you're listening to this podcast you probably aren't the kind of guy who's just like me, me, me. But every so often I run into a client who ends up, you know, he talks about the business deal. He just closed. His family, his life. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves. However, she wants you to ask her about her. So you want to make sure you do that. Now, you don't want to fall into full on interview mode where you interrogate her. But I remember the first first date I had, it was the very first date I had post-pandemic. I remember it vividly because it was my first time on a date in over a year. And I think her name was Claire. Claire and I talked about

first date pet peeves and she said, I was her, oh, I was her second post-pandemic date. And I said, how'd your first one go? She said, uh, he talked at me for an hour. hour. And then she even said to him, after an hour, she said, do you want to ask me anything about me? And his face got all red. He realized, oh, God, I've been talking at her. So, great thing to say on a date. Enough about me. Tell me something about you. No one else knows. It's not just tell me something about you. This question also, hold on. Hey, stop it. Stop it. Sorry. Cats are going to do what they're going to do.

Asking, tell me something about you, no one else knows directs her focus to, ooh, what's something that's almost like a secret? And now you're compelling her to dig a little bit deeper than just tell me something about you. Nobody knows how to answer that question anyway. Tell me something about you. No one else knows. And that will help you possibly pull a fun fact, a secret, a hidden talent. Yeah, give that one a try.

Okay, number four, the fourth most surprisingly sexy thing to say on first dates. I don't play it cool. I want to take you on a second date. I love this one. Here's why it's sexy. In a dating world that's just rife and litter. with men who play games, certainty is irresistible to women. Women want a man who knows what he wants.

And back to Brooke, I mentioned my friend Brooke. And on our first date, so we dated for a while, we became briefly a couple, and then it blew up because of the pandemic. But bottom line is, I remember asking her out for our second date on our first date, and she loved that. She just loved the clear intentionality. And she just thought that was great. She just likes knowing.

She just liked knowing that I was into her and wanted to see her again. And I encourage you to ignore all the content out there that says, play a cool, wait two days, don't text her, make her wonder if you like her. I don't think that ever worked. But if it did work, it worked 25 years. ago before Tinder, before social media, before all this explosion, this giant explosion of ways for men and women to meet, if a woman thinks you're not into her, she's just going to move on to somebody else.

I'd much rather you, again, don't play it cool, play it clear. Let her know, I want to take you on a second date. Two of the sexiest words, a bonus sexy tip, two of the sexiest words you can say to a woman are, I want, I want to see you again. I want to take you out. I want to kiss you. I want to get to know you better. They love that.

All right. Number three, we're counting down to number one. The third, most surprisingly sexy thing to say on a first date. You do this adorable little thing, but I'm afraid to tell you what it is because you might stop doing it. This is very sexy. So what you do is just notice something little, the way she snorts when she laughs, the way she scrunches her nose. I met a woman once. Granted, it wasn't a first date.

It was an approach. But it basically felt like a first date because we were talking at a party. And she did this little thing where she talked like a grandma or a grandpa. she would have these old people expressions. Oh, I remember she said, oh, yeah, that puts some pep in my step. And she had one other phrase, something like an old-timey phrase. And I said, you do this adorable little thing, but I don't want to tell you what it is because you might stop doing it.

And all of a sudden, she was like, what is it? What do I do? It became a fun little guessing game. I'm like, I don't know. I don't think I should tell you because it's really cute. if I tell you, you might not be as interesting and attractive to me, gave her a little tease. She's like, no, tell me, what is it? That I told her.

So it's a fun way to create some fun little curiosity from her, get her finding out, what is it? What's the cute thing I do? So that's an incredible thing to say to a woman. Some variation of you do the cutest little thing, but I don't want to tell you because you might stop doing it. This will drive her wild in the best way. again and the nice thing about this one is all you have to do is pick out something small and little that you really like my ex Alex she did this really cute thing she couldn't pronounce the word rural r u r a l she would go rule and i loved it i said you do the cutest thing you pronounce a word

wrong and i love it she's like what what word do i pronounce wrong i'm like i'm not going to tell you i'm not going to tell you because you'll stop doing it i eventually I eventually told her. Okay, number two, the second, most surprisingly sexy thing to say on a first date, I can't pretend I don't want to kiss you. Now, you say this late on a first date. Toward that part of the date where it's time to go for that first kiss, I can't pretend I don't want to kiss you. Why is this sexy? Well, talking about the kiss before you go for it, builds anticipation, which amps up that romantic tension. And part of the way we can get hurt, just, oh my God, please kiss me. What are you waiting for? Kiss me. And then you lay it on her.

Those are some of the sexiest moments on a first date, the kiss. But what makes it extra sexy is that you're talking about the kiss beforehand. And you don't have to kiss her right away. you just look her in the eye and say, yeah, I can't pretend I don't want to kiss you. Anyway, maybe change the subject. It gets kissing on her mind and, yeah, women love it. Okay, we are at number one. Here is the number one most surprisingly sexy thing to say on a first date. What if that was our last first kiss?

What if that was our last first kiss? So you say this after you kiss. And sometimes guys get stuck in their head about what to say afterwards. Like we just kissed. What do you say? Some guys get in their head about that. This is a great thing to say. Or you could also text it too.

You could also text this after the date. It's also a really good post date text, assuming you've kissed. Why is it sexy? Well, you're suggesting this thrilling possibility. What if this is it? What if it is? If it's not, fine. You never know.

But if it is, wow, what a sexy, romantic thing to say. Our last first kiss. I've said that to a couple women. Once I realized how powerful it was, I said it a couple times. I also said, what if this was our last first date? And it's just, I saw her that just drove her wild. I was on a first date once, and I said, What if this is our last first date?

And she said, boy, you're good, Mr. Dating Coach. So I said, thank you. Yeah, so that's number one. I hope this has helped you. Go back, listen, test drive some of these things, and let me know how it goes. And again, go to Datingtransformation.com. If you are looking for some dating coach, help. Also, if you're not looking for a dating coach, that's cool.

email me Connell at datingtransformation.com subject book and I will send you a free copy of my bestselling book. Dating sucks, but you don't. Thanks for listening. Until next time.