How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The 5 Super Shifts to Gain Confidence and Start Attracting Wonderful Women

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

If you’re like most single men, you doubt your attractiveness to women. You think you’re not handsome enough or not tall enough or not outgoing enough—not SOMETHING enough—to connect with cool, cute girls. This hurts your confidence, costs you dates, and just bums you out.The great news? Today you can stop doubting yourself and start dating wonderful women. In this episode of the Dating Transformation podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett shares the 5 Super Shifts to help you banish doubt and confidently attract the kinds of women you’re into… and find a great girlfriend!Are you ready to have FUN while dating, and make romantic connections with desirable women? Listen now, and use the 5 Super Shifts to attract your soulmate, and do it with authenticity and confidence.FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactGET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3Quotes"You may not know how attractive you are to a LOT of wonderful women, but you are enough! Before a woman buys into that, you have to."- Connell Barrett"Embrace fear, harness its power, and let it drive action in your romantic life."- Connell BarrettFeatured in the episodeConnell BarrettFounder and Executive Coach of Dating TransformationWebsite: https://datingtransformation.comInstagram:https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformationChapters00:14 - Introduction04:19 - Building Confidence in Romantic Pursuits05:56 - Flirting with Charm: Mastering the Art of Romantic Connections07:31 - Overcoming Limiting Beliefs: How They Impact Your Dating Success09:52 - The Power of Beliefs: Shaping Your Reality and Confidence16:35 - Embracing Your Awesomeness and Focusing on What You Want17:42 - Building Confidence: Embracing Your Worth in Dating18:52 - Rituals for Romantic Success: Daily Commitment to Your Goals22:35 - Fear & Failure: The Road to Dating Success24:08 - Transforming Your Love Life with Conviction27:12 - Achieving Dating Triumph through Persistence28:34 - Outro

Believing Vin Diesel is a good actor is not going to hurt you, other than the money you waste going to his movies. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. All right, welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett, helping you flirt with charm, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend, all by being authentic. And I want to start today's episode with a thought experiment. In two scenarios,

here's scenario number one. Picture it. You're in your favorite coffee shop and you see a really attractive woman. Your only goal is to walk over and ask her for the time to just say, Hey, what time is it? Excuse me, miss. What time is it? As you go up to her, how comfortable and confident would you feel on a scale of one to 10? What's your number? Here's scenario number two, same coffee shop, same woman, except now your mission is different. I want you to approach her, use a clever opener, be charismatic, spark attraction, and get her digits for a date. Now, if this is your goal in scenario number two, now on that same one to ten scale, what's

your confidence level? Now, chances are when you compare the two numbers, in the first scenario where you're just walking up to ask her for the time, you're probably at a seven, eight, nine range, or at least five or six, probably like in the seven, eight range. For that second scenario, when you're hitting on her to get that six, probably like in the seven, eight range. For that second scenario, when you're hitting on her to get that outcome, probably down to a one, two, or three, right? One client said, put me down for minus a hundred. Now, both situations involve identical actions. If you think about it, right? You walking up to an attractive female stranger and talking.

But one context gives you confidence and the other context makes you anxious, maybe even petrified. So why is there that disparity? Well, it's all in your mind. Specifically, the stories you tell yourself based on your beliefs. Because you likely imbue the two situations with very different meanings, right? Asking a stranger for the time carries no risk to your ego, right? There's no chance for quote-unquote rejection. Your self-worth is not on the line. You're not hitting on her. You're just asking line. You're not hitting on her. You're just asking for the time. But hitting on her all of a sudden has higher stakes, at least between your ears it does.

And in that story, success means something really important, right? If you succeed with her, you'll feel attractive. You might land a date with a gorgeous woman. Maybe she'll be the one. You'll feel attractive. You might land a date with a gorgeous woman. Maybe she'll be the one. You'll find love. But if you fail, you'll feel humiliated, rejected, creepy. And then, hey, then you find out the worst is true. Women just aren't into you. May as well give up on love and give up on finding a regular girlfriend and settle for the inflatable kind. So the second interpretation, which is, if we had to put that into words, it would be failure means I'm not enough. That triggers fear and anxiety. And what it does is

it turns talking to a woman in a romantic context, it makes it existential. It's like a reckoning on your worth as a man. And it's these misperceptions about you that govern your actions and your emotions and basically determine your dating outcomes. So what I want to do on today's pod is talk about changing that voice in your head. I want to help you get bulletproof confidence. Really what I want to do is give you what I call the five beliefs that ensure romantic success. Five beliefs, bulletproof beliefs that ensure romantic success.

And this is important stuff. A lot of guys who listen to this podcast and who are into following dating coaches and stuff, they want to get to the good stuff, right? I mean, the how-to. What do I say? What's my opener? What lines?

How do I flirt? And that's important, but this mindset work, it can turn approaching that beauty, that stunner. You can approach her as easily and as simply as if you just walked over to ask for the time. Imagine feeling that confident and relaxed and not anxious. So if you want to do that, keep listening. Okay, I have a story for you. In my my twenties, I worked as a waiter at a steakhouse and I had this really huge crush on a woman named Tina, a beautiful, smart, sassy,

doe-eyed waitress. She is just absolutely cool and gorgeous. And one night in the break room, I was sucking on a cherry lollipop and leaning against the wall. And Tina walked up to me. And she walked up, got really close to me, like put her face like four inches from my face. And she pulled the sucker out of my mouth. And she slowly put it into her mouth. And she said, holding eye contact with me, she said, mmm, yum. And it was very arousing. Like literally every atom in my body was aroused.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach Conal Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence

and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Conal's coaching is right for you. On your call, Conal or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self.

A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self, so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com

forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye. But despite this bold, flirtatious move that she made, I mean, think about it. She took the sucker out of my mouth and put it in her mouth. That's like something you do in an adult film, bleeding up to the highlight. But it never occurred to me that she liked me. So I didn't ask her out. I didn't flirt back. I was so certain that I was not attractive to women. So I just figured she wanted my lollipop. I had no idea that she, you know, wanted my lollipop. And it's this limiting belief that about your attractiveness that can blind you to opportunities and stop you from either taking the actions that can get you some great dating results. Or if you are taking action,

it can mess up your confidence and make it really hard for good things to happen. So yeah, I just wanted to sort of shine a light on how our beliefs can give us these blind spots. I had another client who, this is painful to even say, but there was a woman he's attracted to, a friend, a girl, but a girl he's very attracted to. And he was in her apartment and she was into him. She was flirting. She was trying to drop a signal. And she actually said to him, she said, oh, you know what? I'm so frustrated. He said, why? What's up? She said, well,

my vibrator broke. And I'm just like so frustrated. It hasn't been working for weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do. She was giving him this giant signal. He said, oh, I can help you with that. He goes online and he starts searching for where she can buy a new vibrator. That's what our beliefs can do. Because his belief was, oh, this girl is not into me. She just needs help buying a toy. She wanted him to be her toy, of course, but he didn't see that because of those beliefs. So there's a great power in having the right beliefs. What is a belief, by the way? A belief is any feeling you have with absolute certainty about what something means. In other words, it's a story that you repeatedly tell yourself to the point where you hold it as incontrovertible

fact. Now, many beliefs are true, right? Like, hey, mom loves me. Hard work pays off. The sun's going to come up tomorrow. Other beliefs might be false, but harmless, right? Like, oh, I'll just have one more cookie when you know you're going to have 10. Or, boy, that Vin Diesel sure can act. Yeah. But then there are limiting beliefs. So believing Vin Diesel is a good actor is not going to hurt you, other than the money you waste going to his movies. But there are limiting beliefs that actually do constrain you. And they're either false or partially false or maybe total bullshit. And they're hurting the quality of your life. In dating, limiting beliefs can keep you from taking the right action and hurt your results when you do take an action. And they

can also just crush your confidence. So for example, I missed out on a potential romantic connection with Tina because my belief said, yo dude, girls don't flirt with you. They don't like you. You're not good enough. So here are some common limiting beliefs. I'm not good looking enough to date quality women or I'm not cool enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm not charismatic enough. I'm the wrong ethnicity. I'm too short to date women or at least taller women. I'm too nice. Uh, I'm too introverted, not outgoing enough. I'm not alpha enough. Women don't like me. I'm too ugly. I don't know what to say.

I don't have the words. I don't know how to flirt. I don't have the personality. My personality is not enough. These are all common examples. And when you replace a limiting belief with a new empowering true belief, it really changes how you feel. If you haven't yet listened to it, please go find a recent episode I did with Nick, my client Nick, where we identified and replaced his old belief with a new, powerful, kick-ass belief. And I'll tell you, man, when you have the right belief, it feels incredible.

The most limiting beliefs are some version of I'm not enough, not tall enough, not handsome enough, not something enough. But when you overcome those, man, you can do amazing things. So over a decade ago, I was in London on a bright, beautiful, sunny London afternoon. And I was attending a bootcamp, a dating bootcamp as a student. I was working with this coach who at the time did London programs. And as part of an assignment, I went out with a couple other guys and my coach for a couple hours. And we were approaching women in Trafalgar Square and Leicester Square area of

London. And now at the time, I was battling really bad approach anxiety. Oh, what if I get rejected? What if I'm not good looking enough? Am I too introverted? In other words, it was an I'm not enough. And my coach is standing with me and giving me some pointers and saying this or that. And then he spots a past client who was in the middle of an approach, another guy who was not part of our program. And my coach says, oh, look over there. There's Aaron. Oh, man, he's doing great. And I turn my head and I see Aaron, this guy. He's chatting with a tall, slender brunette woman. She was wearing this really cool overcoat, like a trench coat, classy, and had these aviator shades.

And her head was back laughing. Aaron was saying something. He was really relaxed. He was really chill. And she was just looking at him like, dude, you are the shit. She was loving him. And it didn't matter to her that Aaron was in a wheelchair. Aaron could not walk.

But he was all smiles and smoothness. And she was just eating out of his hand. And it was such an amazing moment of seeing a man who, yes, he was bound to his chair, but he was not bound to his limitations. And that just was so inspiring. Anyway, okay. So here are the five beliefs that ensure your dating success. Five beliefs that if you apply these, it will make your dating results a veritable lock. You could stop listening to my podcast and never come back and hear anything I have to say again. But if you follow these five beliefs,

like North Stars, good results will happen for you. Number one, most important of all, is believing that you are enough. You are enough. When I was a junior in college, I wrote a weekly humor column for my campus newspaper. It was a really popular column, but I was painfully insecure about my writing. And one day, a fan letter appeared in my newspaper inbox, my mailbox, back when there was actually mailboxes. People wrote letters. And it was a letter from a professor, a journalism professor. And he wrote me a letter that said, you may not know how good you are, but you can really achieve great things with writing. And I remember that phrase, you may not know how good you are. And that letter, that sentence, was such a booster confidence, a booster shot of confidence that I needed. And I want to say that

to you right now, man to man, podcast host to podcast listener. You may not know how good you are. If you wonder whether or not you're good enough, attractive enough to date a wonderful woman, to get a great girlfriend, you absolutely are in ways big and small. So please buy into this because when you believe it, women will start to believe it. Okay. Before they do, you have to believe it. So please buy into that. You can't attract incredible, wonderful woman until you connect with your own awesomeness. Okay. Number two, next belief that ensures success is this. When you focus on an amazing outcome, your mind and actions will make it happen. So accept the truth that a smart, sweet, sexy woman will be in your life. It's a done deal.

It's just a matter of when, not if. So this is about focusing on what you want rather than what you fear. Anxiety, inaction, all that bad stuff that comes from playing a horror movie in your mind. So play a different movie, play a different flick, one that shows you a compelling outcome. Now, I'm not saying get all ruthlessly fixated on success, okay? Don't go all whiplash on yourself. Simply soak in the certainty, the certitude that an incredible love life awaits you. It will happen because you are enough and you have too much to give. And I am not a woo-woo law of attraction guy, by the way. I'm not that big into,

you are, you know, just think it and feel it. It'll happen. No, no, no. This is practical psychology. When you commit to, when you focus on and commit to a compelling goal, your subconscious says, let's fucking do this. And to keep you honest, then your brain does a dickishly cool thing. It makes you all stressed out if your actions don't align with your goal. So to avoid your pain, I'm sorry, to avoid the pain of being incongruent, cognitive dissonance, what happens is you start to act in accordance with your desires. And then your mind basically deletes a lot of the shitty thoughts and the behaviors that hold you back. By the way, it's this kind of fierce, fierce focus that helps all great performers

perform at a higher level. It's what great athletes do. I'm a big sports fan. I've worked with sports psychologists. I've studied a lot of athletes. And I used to do a lot of golf related. I used to play golf. I used to write about golf. And I like to take Tiger Woods as an example. In his prime, on his way to winning, I think, 15 majors, second all time, what Tiger Woods would do is he would stand on the tee, and he would picture the blade of grass on which his ball was going to land, 350 yards away.

Now, by focusing on where he was going, he was less worried on sand traps and lakes and other players' scores. He was just focused on his best play, and that relaxed him. So if you don't envision a really amazing dating life, you're never going to have one because you're just not going to have the motivation and the clarity to go after what you want. So please see and feel your outcome, the confidence you want, the girl you're going to end up with, the bringing her home to meet mom and dad, your first night together, intimate night, giggling, laughing, just envision what you want

and your body and brain will start to take right actions to make it happen. Okay. Number three. This is a big one. Rituals equal results. Rituals equal results. Whether you want love handles or washboard apps, it's about the action you take, right? Whether you're broke or super rich, whether you're unlucky in love or honeymooning in Hawaii with your gorgeous new wife, progress in any area or the lack thereof of that progress, it's going to come from the rituals you take consistently. Committing to daily action. You have to commit to daily action if you want to be propelled toward incredible romantic fulfillment. Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men,

dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. Your step-by-step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Conal Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks but you don't, so that you can.

Confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great-looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps. And attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold, in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Or at least weekly action or multiple action during the week, but let's call it daily. I call this the code of conduct.

You need a code of conduct where these are the actions you're taking every day slash every week. Because bro, you can meditate and visualize and get your kumbaya-yas out all day long, but if you don't take consistent ritualized action, you might fail. Because vision boards and goals scribbled on paper, it's all just dead wood without the discipline to take action. Now, don't think you need to improve in leaps and bounds right away. Now, yes, yes, big breakthroughs happen, especially with my clients. But don't underestimate the power of slow, steady winning the race. Be the turtle, not the rabbit. Steady incremental improvements are really powerful.

There's a great stat in the book Atomic Habits, James Clear's book Atomic Habits. And he talks about how if you get 1% better every day at something for one year, by the end of the year, you're going to be 37 times better than you were on day one. Think about that. Imagine being 37 times more confident in a year. Imagine being 37 times sexier. Imagine dating women who are 37 times better looking than your last date. Yeah, that's the power of that incremental improvement. So anyway, that's a powerful one. Ritual equals results. So whether you want six pack abs, million dollars, a gorgeous, beautiful, incredible woman, smart, bright, inside and out, beautiful. You want her in your life.

It's going to take daily ritualized action. Okay? Don't forget that. Number four, the fourth belief to ensure your romantic outcome, fear is your friend, not your foe. Fear is your friend, not your foe. Fear is your friend, not your foe. With apologies to FDR, the only thing we have to fear is ignoring fear itself. Fear can be your friend. It can be a powerful force that harnesses you and calls you to action. If you're afraid to approach that girl or go for that first date kiss, that's fear telling you, oh, here's what you should do. You know, your love life. I think of your dating life like a boat. And fear is the wind. And it creates gusts that can help you reach

your destination. So you can either use the gusts to reach your destination or you can do nothing and be lost at sea. Tony Robbins has a good line. He says this at a seminar. You can't control the wind, but you can control your sails. So commit right now to doing one scary but necessary thing every day. Every day, do something scary but necessary in your dating life.

Frankly, in your regular life too. So that means saying hi to that cute girl every day, asking out that crush, sending the flirty text message, launching your new profile on a dating app, but even though you're afraid that you won't get matches, right? Do the scary thing. You have a choice. Comfort now, pain later, or pain now and comfort later. Love, connection, confidence. So let your fear guide you and you're going to see

incredible results faster than you thought possible. Okay. And the last final belief that ensures success is embracing failure. Number five, failure is the secret to results. Go out and fail. It's not failure, really. My glasses keep hitting the microphone. it's not failure really my glasses keep hitting the microphone it's not failure it's i just failed doing this podcast such a failure um failure is actually your friend okay thomas edison failed to invent the light bulb something like 1200 times abraham lincoln failed to win almost every election he entered until 1860 when he was elected president. J.K. Rowling, her first Harry Potter manuscript was rejected by 12 publishing houses. My book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, became an Amazon bestseller.

I got that rejected many times from many publishers before Simon & Schuster bought my book. So-called failure is just part of the path to achievement. So don't be afraid of it. Instead, embrace it. Fail big. Fail often. Fail again and again and again. As long as you're learning lessons along the way, as long as you're seeing your growth and improvement, failure is what you want. You want to fail until you start to succeed. Okay, we'll end there. Those are the five beliefs that will transform your dating results. Don't forget to listen to the other episode I mentioned where I, there's a coaching episode where I'm coaching

Nick and where we transform his limiting belief about approaching and his lack of attractiveness to women. So listen to that. It's a great episode and I'll see you next time. And don't forget beautiful, sexy, cool, awesome, amazing women are out there for you. An abundance of them want to date you. They just have to meet the real you, bro. All right. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation Podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.