How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The 7 Lies that Keep You From Approaching—and 7 Tips to Confidently Talk to Women Anywhere

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

You want to confidently approach women in the real world, but fear holds you back. That’s because you’ve been lied to about approaching. And those lies keep you from meeting wonderful women. In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach Connell Barrett shares the 7 biggest lies about approaching women—and the 7 truths that will let you confidently talk to women almost anywhere.STRUGGLING TO APPROACH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN? BOOK A FREE CONSULTATION WITH CONNELL:DatingTransformation.comGET A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”:Email: [e-mail] (Write “Book” in Subject Line)

Approaching isn't creepy. Being a creep is creepy. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you confidently meet and flirt with wonderful women and get a great girlfriend. And do it all by being authentic. I am not about sketchy, tactical pickup BS. I want to help you understand that the most attractive version of you, the guy who's going to get the girlfriend,

is he is you at your most authentic, true, real self. And let's talk about how to channel that authentic self in my personal, personal favorite area of dating for men to talk about in 2026, which is approaching. I think that 2026 right now is the best time to go out. out into the world and approach women and meet women and get dates better than ever. And that's because fewer men than ever even do it anymore. I first started actively working on my dating life in 2005.

I was just out of a relationship, an engagement that was a mistake, and we called it off. And I said, okay, I got to figure some things out. I keep messing up my love life here. and I want to be really confident with women and never have to have this bad situation happen again. So I started going out, and in the mid-2000s, a lot more men approached women. Not everybody, but a lot of men did.

That was around the time the book, the game, came out, and it was also the pre-Tinder era. Then Tinder comes along in, I think, 2007 or eight, Tinder changes everything. Now people start flocking to dating apps. And then the MeToo era happens in the mid to late teens, while social media becomes prevalent at the same time. So we've got these three forces that now in 2026 are pushing up against men saying, and men are told. these lies, these lies that you cannot approach women in 2026 because it's creepy, it's wrong,

you don't do it anymore, you're bothering women. Men are afraid of getting in trouble, of getting in some sort of me-to trouble. Men are afraid, many men are afraid of saying and doing the wrong thing and having a woman post about him on TikTok or Instagram or somewhere out there and having him basically socially shunned. And there's also just the fact that we live in a swiping, online dating world, and men just don't approach women anymore. And the reason why now is the best time to do it is because women are still women. Men are still men.

So many women want a good, solid guy to come break the ice. I was just talking with an Esquire writer yesterday. they're doing an article about about approach. Well, it's about chat GPT and how men really struggle with what to say and how to flirt and how to talk to women and how men are flocking to chat GPT. And the conversation turned to approaching. And this woman writer with Esquire said, look, I can't speak for all women, but I'm a single woman. I would love it if a cool, solid guy just came up to me and started talking. I wouldn't find it creepy at all.

So the bottom line is no men do it. Very few men do it. Right now is the best time to go approach because women are going to be caught, caught pleasantly surprised so much of the time. I can't tell you how many of my clients, most of whom approach. So many of them come back to me and say,

Connell, I was so afraid, but women are cool. They're flattered, even if they're not into me or not available, they say, you made my day. Thank you for coming up to me. Oh my God, thank you. No guys do this. So, 2026 is the best time to approach.

But let's talk about why it's so hard for you. There are seven lies, seven myths. Let's call them lies. You're being lied to. You're the big seven lies that I want to help you unplug from. Because once you unplug from these lies and know the truth, it'll be so much easier for you to start approaching. Let's get to them.

Here is lie number one. The biggest of all. Lie number one. Approaching women is creepy. That's the big one. Here's the truth. Approaching isn't creepy. Being a creep is creepy.

Cat calling is creepy. Pick-up artist tactics are creepy. Just trying to get what you want is creepy. Walking up to a woman and staring at her chest and objectifying her, making it all about sex. That's creepy. But breaking the ice with a woman and doing it with true charm, that's healthy. It's human. It's beautiful.

So here's a quick story. Early on in my approaching journey, I'm at Whole Foods and I'm in the cereal aisle. And I'm so nervous. I'm so afraid to talk to women. And I'm just, I'm a shy, introverted person with at the time social anxiety. But anyway, there's a woman in the cereal in the cereal. cereal aisle and I walk over and we start chatting. I don't remember what I said. It was something very basic. It's like, oh, oh, I see you like honey bunches of votes. It was something like that.

We start talking. And two or three minutes later, I say, hey, can I get your number? I'd love to take you out. She said, sure. Her name is Ashley. We had a date, by the way. I had a date with Ashley. Anyway, during the approach at the end of it, I said, by the way, I just want to say thank you for being so so nice, so friendly that I just came up and talked to you. And she said something I'll never forget, and I want you to hear this. She said, you can come talk to us. We like it. It's like she was talking to all men.

You can come up and talk to us. We like it. That was Ashley's point of view. And I just never forgot that. So thank you for that little boost of confidence, Ashley. Here's my dating coach tip for lie number one. One, if you think, if you are afraid, it'll make you nervous. If you're nervous, lean into it.

If you're shy, lean into it. Don't avoid approaching. Use it. You might say, hey, I'm shy, but I had to meet you. Or I'm really introverted, but I had to meet you. That frames your approach as I'm a good, solid, introverted guy, but I'm, you're so intriguing to me that I had to meet you. I'm powering through my fear to come over and talk to you.

What a powerful message to send a woman. I'm nervous. I don't usually do this, but I had to say hi to you. Like, that is a man that a lot of women want to meet. Okay, lie number two. You need a pickup line to approach women. You don't. Here's the truth.

Pickup lines are pretty weird. They're goofy at, at best, freaking weird at worst, weird and creepy. That's what's creepy. So my girlfriend, Jess, she was out with me while back at a New York City rooftop bar. I was out helping guys approach. And I left her alone for a couple minutes, which is always dangerous to leave a pretty blonde alone at a bar. And while I left her alone to go tend to my clients, some guy approached her and said, hi, I'm a pirate. Do you have my treasure map? I need help finding my treasure. She, like, rolled her eyes.

Gave him my business card. And bottom line is those canned, pre-planned pickup lines are pretty cheesy. They're cheesy at best. They're weird and odd at worst. Here's my tip for you. Women want spontaneity, not canned lines. We don't go through the world saying scripted things to people, right? I would imagine that how many things have you practiced and rehearsed saying this week to some other person in a social situation?

When was the last time you practiced and planned something to say? Ever? Or how long has it been? Weeks or months? Maybe for a job interview. If you're going in for a job interview, you might remember two or three important talking points or going in to ask your boss for a raise. but in social situations, when was the last time you scripted and planned the thing you were going to say? Probably pretty rare, if ever.

Yet so many men are taught, oh, well, here's the pickup line that will make a woman respond well to you. That's not how we communicate in life, and that's not how you want to go out and talk to women. So think of it this way. women want spontaneity, not canned lines. And the fix for this is think of your icebreaker. Think of your opening line like something genuine you want to share. And my favorite method that I give my clients is I say, give her a genuine compliment, ideally about something that is G-rated and not about her physical attributes. But style is a really good place to give her that compliment. A few years back, I'm in San Diego with my client, Jason.

And we're at a rooftop bar. He's in his head. He's like, I don't know what to say. What's my pickup line? What do I do? What do I say? And I said, let's just do a little, let's just go through the bar. Let's do a lap.

And we're just going to give quick little compliments. I play a game called I dig. Let's go out and say, I dig three or four things to three or four different women. Hey, I dig your shoes. Hey, I dig your tattoo. Hey, I dig your dance moves. So we were playing, I dig or I like. And the second or third woman Jason talked to, he said, hey, I really like your glasses.

Those are cool. She was wearing these cat eye glasses. I don't know if you remember or no Lisa Loeb, but she had like a Lisa Loeb, cat eye. Lisa Loeb look, one of my 90s music crushes. And Jason said, hey, I like your glasses. They're like Lisa Loeb glasses. Cool, cat eye style. And she said, oh, thanks.

And minutes later, they were. one-on-one talking, having a drink, instant, basically an instant date. And all he did, and what's beautiful about it is, yes, it was an opening line, but it wasn't a planned pickup line. It was a genuine thing he shared in the moment. So if you're not sure what to say when you approach, a pickup line, look, a pickup line is better than not approaching. I'd rather you say something to her.

And if you need to memorize something, that's better than not talking at all. to her, but taking it to the next level, I would recommend, oh, yeah, a genuine compliment. Like, hey, I really like your tattoo. I like your glasses. You make that black dress look great. And that's just all you need to kick off a conversation that could turn into a date, a spark, maybe even a girlfriend, if all that, the romantic plan is aligned. Okay.

Line number three about approaching. This is a big one. the lie. You must be tall or good looking to successfully approach. And that's not true. The truth is things like looks, height, those are like jacuzis. They're nice to have, but they're way overrated. Take it for me. Look, I'm tall. I was lucky enough to be given height, but I'm not some male model type. And I'm certainly not some muscular, you know, Hollywood handsome guy. But I learned this and got very, very competent and good at it. I have a client named Vic.

Vic is 5-7. He's, in his own words, a, quote, short brown software nerd. He called himself when we first spoke. And, you know, Vic is 5-7. He's got glasses. He's, he had a lot of, he had a limiting belief of like, oh, I'm just a short brown nerd. Women don't want me to come and talk to them. Women want some cool, you know, cool.

tall, charismatic, good-looking guy. Now, I'm not saying women don't want guys like that to come talk to them, but women, God bless them, are not as shallow as you and I are. Women are not nearly as looks focused as we think they are, maybe because men are so looks focused, or at least we put a important, we put physical appearance at or near the top of our must list for the kind of women we want to date. For women, it's like a nice bonus. If he's really good looking, great. If he's tall, great. But it's not a deal breaker for most women. So anyway, a couple months back, Vic is at a sweet greens salad place. And he looks next to him as a very attractive woman. He described her as a total 10 in his words. And they're both having wraps made. And he broke the

ice. He said something as basic as, oh, hey, what kind of rap are you getting? What's more basic than that? And she said, oh, I'm getting, I don't know, such and such rap, an avocado chicken wrap, whatever. And they chatted for about a minute. And then it stopped there. Then she goes and sits down in her booth. He sits where he's sitting. And he says, oh, I got to go back over there. So he walks back over, re-approaches. And they have a nice five, ten minute conversation. He sits down. They eat a little bit of their wraps, talk a little bit. And then they had a date. They had a first date a couple of nights later. And it was on their first date. She said, I just want to say how smooth that was. smooth was her exact word and vick and i went over the conversation and the approach he didn't say or do

anything that would be like seen as cinematically smooth i wasn't there but he reported back he didn't have some amazing cool line that i know of all he did was he did the thing that no men do in 2026 especially in the daytime without the crutch of alcohol to help them He just walked over and talked normally. He was just himself. And that was so impressive to this woman. I forget her name. But she called it smooth and he got a date with her.

Apparently a really beautiful woman. And he's a 5'7 brown software nerd. So that's the power of having the courage and eventually the confidence to go break the ice and approach. It sends a really strong signal to a woman that says, hey, this guy goes for what he wants. Now, she, she interpreted that as smooth. Great. She found it attractive. And on a dating app, she never would have even seen his profile because she's got a thousand matches on Tinder if she wants them. But at a sweet greens, boom, he walks over, talks about rap's first date. So don't listen to that lie that you have to be tall, you have to be good looking, you have to have money. No.

You know what? You just have to have some courage and a little bit of belief in yourself. That's really all you need. Okay. Lie number four to unplug from. You need confidence to approach. No, you don't. You need courage and you need a lot of it, but you don't need confidence. In fact, you want to be aware of this. The way the mind creates creative ways to avoid unpleasured

uncomfortable things. It's really interesting. It'd be interesting if it wasn't so destructive. We're always trying to find ways to stay comfortable, to not do the uncomfortable thing. And I remember the very first night I ever went out to approach women. I briefly talk about this in my book. I had a full-on panic attack. I went into the bathroom stall at this men's room at a rooftop bar called plunge in the me-packing district. This was in the late double-zero's. and I just went into the bathroom and I started puking. I wasn't drinking. It was just, it was a panic attack and I'm shaking and puking.

Don't worry. I had tic tacks. I had tic tacks. So I was covered there. I had no confidence that night. I did have courage. I also had a coach who was helping me. But I sure is hell did not approach women that night using confidence.

Now I had confidence later in the evening. This is what's so fascinating is I started that night. night having a panic attack after maybe a half dozen approaches, I got a little bit of social momentum meeting and talking in different women and different people on this rooftop bar. Then the confidence came. And that's when something really good happened. It's the anecdote that opens my book. But I had no confidence entering that night.

So you don't need confidence. You need courage. So my tip for you is approach while afraid. approach afraid today, you'll be confident tomorrow. Or you might be confident today after you approach. She might smile and say, hi. Yes, I'm eating this avocado wrap. What are you eating?

And she's smiling and talking to you. And then that confidence will start to rise in you. But you don't need confidence to approach first. If you say, I'll approach a woman as soon as I'm confident, you'll five years will pass. And you'll say, wow, that was a fast five years. I haven't talked to anybody. Take it from me. I never approached a single woman until I was 38. Time goes fast. So approach while afraid. Approach today. Confidence tomorrow. The reason I can approach any woman within reason and be pretty darn confident and comfortable is because I did it so many times while terrified. So there's a little catchphrase I use

in my book. I'll share it here with you. Courage is the currency. that buys you confidence. Courage today, you're investing in the confidence you'll have tomorrow in the week after and the month after. And then you'll be able to absolutely confidently approach. But do it afraid first. Okay, lie number five about approaching. The lie is, after you approach, it's better to give her your number, not ask for hers. I don't agree with that. And there is nuance here. But the truth as I see it is, by giving a woman your number, you're putting her in the masculine role while you're taking on the feminine role. And that is, that's bass backwards. You want to do your job as a man. The job meaning, I'm going to lead, I'm going to lead this dance,

dating as a dance, and approaching as a dance. And I still feel, I'm a little bit old school about this, I feel like in the courtship phase of dating, and in this case the approaching piece of it, men lead the dance and then the woman follows if she wants to. And if she doesn't want to follow, that's fine. No worries. But I don't like the idea of say, oh, great, take my number and text me if you want to meet up. That's basically asking her to do the man's job. Now, some women have no problem with this. I'm not speaking for every woman, of course.

But I do remember hearing from multiple women over the years who said, hey, thank you for asking for my number. I hated when guys give me theirs. I like it when a guy pursues me and gets my number and asks me out. So you can experiment with this if you want. I absolutely have clients who give out their number and the woman messages, but I recommend you leading that dance. So memorize these three simple words.

What's your number? that simple. Okay. Approaching lie number six. For this one, I think the big lie here is that a lot of guys think that they can only approach if they have a big, clear green light, a smile, eye contact, a hair twirl. The truth is, you don't need that. Because if you did, why stop there? You could wait for an engraved invitation.

you know, maybe hire a skywriter to spell out, approach me now. The truth is you can decide to go talk to any woman you want within reason. You know, if it's a bar, if it's a party, if it's a coffee shop, and yes, even the gym, even a grocery store, you are allowed to go break the ice with other humans. That is totally normal and acceptable. You want to do it the right way. You want to do it in a classy, gentlemanly attractive way. of course, but you don't need some giant green light. It's a nice bonus if you get a green light.

It's nice to get the eyes. It's nice to quote, catch eyes. That's a beautiful moment when that happens. That's like a movie moment and absolutely take action when those moments arise. Don't let me stop you, but don't wait for those moments. I've said this to many guys, many of my clients. Back in the day, I could approach any woman in the world. All I needed was her to smile and to wave at me and to hold up a sign that says, horny for gingers. If she did those things, boom, I would go right in. But that never happened.

So my dating coach tip for you is green lights are great, but you're not a pilot requesting permission to land a 747. seven, you're just a guy who wants to say hi to a woman. FAA pre-approval is not needed. You can just walk over an approach. It's okay. And once you can do this, well, you can do it. Once you start doing it, a whole world opens up. You don't have to walk through the world looking for 17 green lights. You just walk over and say, hey, excuse me, I know this is really random, but I just saw you and I wanted to share my mood. I'm in a good mood. I wanted to share it with somebody. What's your name? You could do it as simple as that if you wanted, even if she didn't know

you existed before you spoke to her. Okay, and line number seven, number seven is it's needy to show romantic interest too quickly when you approach, or it's low value or needy. The truth is, showing clear romantic interest right from the get-go when you approach can, can create instant sparks. You just want to keep it G-rated. So there's basically two, there's two ways to approach. Let's call it one direct and one indirect. Direct is when you make your romantic interest known right away. Excuse me. You're gorgeous. I had to meet you. You're sexy. You're gorgeous. I wanted to say hi to you. I never do this, but I had to come meet you. That approach is called direct. And then there's an indirect way. Indirect is more social, friendly. You know, you're at the gym and the woman at the

drinking fountain. You say, oh, I'm curious. What are you listening to? What's on your gym playlist? That's more of a social approach opener. They both can absolutely work, but it's not pedestalizing a woman to walk over and say, hey, you're adorable. I had to meet you. Something like that. And yeah, so quick story. Many years ago, I'm at Barnes & Noble, and there's a woman well-dressed, pretty,

blonde hair, really well-dressed, very girl next door, my type, I guess you could say. And she's looking at cards and stationary. And I just wanted to meet her. And I thought to myself, okay, Connell, what's the most authentic thing you're thinking? That's G-rated. Oh, you're adorable. You're cute. So I walk over and say, hey, you're really cute.

I had to meet you. She lights up and smiles. And she says, wow, thanks. You're very handsome. Boom. It was on. And our chemistry was, our mutual interest was pretty much automatic. And then we just made basic get to know you chit chat for five or ten minutes about what we were doing that afternoon, why she was out at Barnes & Noble, the book I was looking for. I got her number and we were on a date two nights later. Her name is Lane. And that was direct, but G rated. And so I showed that romantic interest right away. And, uh, and she was. And she was, she liked it and she showed it back. So my dating coach tip for you is if you do decide to approach women and you want to

take it up a notch in terms of showing that romantic interest, a really good word to use is adorable. Excuse me. I just had to come over and tell you that you are adorable. Or cute can work too. Some women like cute. Some women don't. Some women love the word cute.

women think it's cringe. So you want to test drive what feels good to you and what works. But I found the word adorable is a great way to show interest in a way that's clear, but not sexual and more innocent. Another woman I dated, a woman named Alex, we dated for a while. And I remember on our first or second, I think it was our first date, she said, you know what I liked about how. Oh, and she was walking out of a clothing store. And I said, hey, I just had to meet you. You're adorable. She was with a friend.

I was with my friend Tyler. And I just walked up to this woman. Turns out her name is Alex. And I said, hey, you're adorable. And so on our first date, she said, you know what I really liked about how you came up to me? It was so innocent. She used that exact word. It was innocent.

And I think what she was saying was, you were showing that interest in me, but you weren't making it about my body. You weren't sexualizing me. It was sweet and innocent. Now, there will be a time later on later dates when the two of you can get more sexual, an R-rated, and X-rated eventually. But a great way to make that approach show romantic interest in the, you know, the two of you can get more sexual, and R-rated and X-rated eventually. interest in the right amount is use the word adorable. Don't listen to the lie that it's needy. It's pedestalizing her.

Some jackass on Instagram. I did a tip about what to say when you approach. And I think I gave this basic tip. And he said, oh, yeah, great. Just pedestalize every woman, make her feel like she's above you. And I'm like, dude, you've been swallowing too many red pills. Just shut the fuck up. It's not pedestalizing a woman.

You're not low value. You're not a simp if you walk up and say, hey, you're adorable. I wanted to meet you. You're just letting her know your instant reaction to seeing her. Now let's find out if there's a vibe, if there's chemistry. If there is, great. And if there's not, that's fine too. Anyway, thank you so much for listening.

Again, you can go to my website, datingtransformation.com to listen to more episodes of the podcast. or you can also go to my website to book a free consultation to talk to me if you are looking for some dating coaching. Oh, and another thing you can do for anybody who listens, you can email me. My email is Connell at datingtransformation.com. Email me if you have any dating questions or just send me an email with the subject line book and I'll send you a free copy of my book. Dating sucks, but you don't.

All right. Thanks for listening. next time.