How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The Content Trap: Use My ‘80/20 Rule’ to Go from Overthinking to Effortless Flirting

Episode Date: July 17, 2025

Social media is ruining your love life. You watch tons of dating advice, but you still struggle with women, right? You’ve fallen into the Content Trap—trying to remember so many tips that you overthink every move. In this episode, dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett reveals why consuming too much TikTok or YouTube content kills your confidence. And his ‘80/20 Rule’ will help unlock your most fun, flirty, authentic self—without trying hard. Because women like you for YOU, not your “game.” Period.You’re About to Learn:01:07: Why Brett’s Try-Hard First Dates Lead to Rejection07:11: Why Treating Women Like “Results” Kills Connection10:14: The Cringe Date that Taught Connell a Priceless Lesson18:31: How the ‘80/20’ Rule Gets You Out of Your Head and Into Her Heart26:29: The Three P’s to Unlock Great First Dates27:50: Stop Consuming Content—Do THIS InsteadFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO FIND OUT IF DATING COACHING CAN HELP YOU ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND:www.datingtransformation.comWANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[e-mail]

And I said, Brett, your problem is not that you don't have strategy. The problem is you have too much strategy. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I am an author, a dating coach. Think of me as your hitch. I am your ginger hitch, here to help you flirt

with confidence and get a great girlfriend. And not use the word, you know, I'm not going to be able to do that. I am your ginger hitch, here to help you flirt with confidence and get a great girlfriend and not use toxic BS pickup artist moves. It's about authenticity, presence, flirting as your best truest self. Because women like you for you. Mom was right, girls are going to like you for you. It's really true. And if you are struggling to get second dates

Even though you consume a lot of content If you consume a lot of YouTube videos or tik-tok videos about dating, but you're still struggling You're still in your head. You're not getting second dates. You still struggle with flirting Today's episode is directed at you I want to help you simplify things and know what to say and get more second and third dates and not be so in your head about what moves to make. I want you to just become effortlessly attractive at the end of today's episode. And here's how we're gonna talk about it. I want to

tell you a quick story about a guy named Brett, not his real name. I'll call him Brett. I just had a talk with Brett. Brett, not his real name. I'll call him Brett. I just had a talk with Brett. Brett's in his early 40s. He booked a consultation call with me. I do dating coaching and one-on-one coaching and guys book free calls with me to see if I can help them with their dating life. And Brett said, oh, Connell, I'm really struggling.

My strategy's all wrong. I'm not getting second and third dates. Basically, he's had 10 first dates in the last year with women he was really attracted to none of these 10 women wanted to see him again. Oh, for 10. Brett told me. So I said, talk to me about your dates. What have you been talking about? What's your flirting game plan? How do you go into these dates?" And he said, I've got it all mapped out. I do this routine called the cube. There's a

routine called the cube that became somewhat famous when it was written about in the book, the game, Neil Strauss's book, the game back in 2005 or six. He says, Oh, I do the cube routine. And I do this routine about vulnerability, where I tell a story specifically designed to make her see what a vulnerable guy I am. And he also said, and this is where I got a little creeped out. He said, Oh, I've also really gotten good at breaking down a woman's quote, bitch shield. I'm like, what do you mean by bitch shield? He said, well, you know, women put on that bitchy front to test men so I can break down

her bitch shield. So I do the cube, I break down her bitch shield, I've got my vulnerability routine. And you know what? My first dates are going really well. Some women were kissing, we seem to be connecting, but they just don't want to see me again for the second date. And he basically said, I'm missing some strategy here. What am I missing? What's the strategy I need? And I said, Brett, your problem is not that you don't have strategy. The problem is you have too much strategy. You're treating a first date, I told him,

like you're trying to fix a carburetor. You're trying to move every lever, adjust everything in the engine and get some kind of mechanical perfect results. Don't do that. Less game, less strategy, more genuineness, more presence, more authentic connection. In other words, I said, just be yourself. Be what I call radically authentic. Stop trying so hard to game a woman and start trying to actually connect as people. So don't over learn this whole lesson about gaming stuff. And I said to Brett, which is the truth, I used to do the same thing. I over learned the mechanics, the strategy of dating. And

that's what today's episode is about. You might be, you're not as extreme as Brett, most likely, because Brett goes back 20 years or so, he said, like he started learning about success with women because of the book, The Game. And there was a TV show on the VH1 called The Pickup Artist. He got very steeped in this world. So did I. It's been 20 years I've been working on my dating life, 20 years or 20 years studying dating, I should say. And so some men over learn the whole idea of how to connect with women and You don't have to be like Brett or Brett You know studied all these pick-up guys

Just because we live in a social media world where so much of life is online on tik-tok on Instagram You probably consume way way way more dating content than you need. The truth is you don't need more dating content. If anything, you need less dating content. A content. And what I wanna talk about today is what I call the 80-20 rule. Here's the 80-20 rule.

When you're talking to a woman, whether it's an approach or a first date, or heck, even texting, 80% of your conversation with her can and should be authentic, sincere, normal. Just being your authentic real self, sharing your personality, sharing your actual thoughts and being spontaneous and present in the moment. 20% at most should be the quote moves, the flirting, the teasing, the what I call mando women communication. And it's kind of think of it like cake and

frosting. Okay. And the cake is you. Most of your date dating strategy should just be you being sincere and normal and authentic and yourself. And 20% at most should be the moves. Kind of like you don't want too much icing on your cake. You don't want 80% icing, 20% cake. Oh my God, then you're going to have a total sugar crash. And what Brett's doing on dates, in my opinion, is he's doing it opposite. He's doing 2080. He's he's probably 20% being genuine, sincere, authentic, 80% cube vulnerability move. This nag this tease, bitch shield this pass the shit test all this pickup artists bullshit that still permeates social media and our conversation today in 2025. And it makes it really hard. So here are the two big problems

that consuming too much content can do. It gets you out of the present moment. It gets you so focused on results and saying and doing the right thing that it takes you out of the present moment with that woman. It robs you of what I think is your most attractive trait, which is you being yourself in the present moment feeling good about yourself. Present positive confidence, that's you at your most attractive. That's what radical authenticity is. And if you're so focused on say the right thing, do the right move, get the right result, then you're not turning her into a human to connect with.

You're turning her into, I don't know, an obstacle to conquer or a result to achieve. And don't get me wrong, I want you to have amazing dating results. I want you to have every date go great and get the world's best girlfriend and feel incredible by yourself that's literally what i do for a living. What is a paradox here we need to do this in a way that doesn't treat her as a result an obstacle something to be conquered or someone to be. Someone to be adjusted until you get your results and And that's how Brett's looking at women. We need to treat women as people. They're just people. A woman's just a person talking to you on that date.

And I said that to Brett. I said, bro, can I be honest with you? Women aren't bitches. There's no bitch shield to break down. She might be shy, or she might not know who you are yet and have some guard up. That's not a bit shield. That's just a person being a person. So I don't know if I'm going to end up working with Brett or not. But if he

does become a client of mine, I can't wait to help him rewire things and I want to help you rewire things today. Let's simplify things. Let's talk about what I call the 80-20 rule. Really simple, this is so simple. 80-20 just means that you go on that date or you're in that conversation with a woman you just approached, and you're just 80% of what you say and do

is all just sincere and genuine. Here's a simple rule to follow. What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. What I'm thinking and feeling, speaking your true honest thoughts, being vulnerable from a genuine place, not a strategic place like Brett was doing planned, canned, vulnerable routines. If you're feeling silly and goofy on a date be a little bit silly and goofy if you're a nerd and just read a cool nerdy book

Tell her about the cool nerdy book you read that passion you have for the things you love and are into that's really attractive to women at least generally and I'd rather you lean into that then say what you think she needs to hear So the 80-20 rule will make it a lot easier for you. Here's what you're probably doing right now on dates or when, or when interacting with women, you're probably coming from a place of, uh, what's the right thing to say, what's the good game, what's the good strategy. And that raises the bar for how good you think your quote content needs to be

That's the big problem with today's world where so much content is online So many so-called experts are saying here's what you have to say on every date Here's what you got to do on every date Here's the strategy and you you know what you need less strategy You need more presence more genuineness more being really real with the woman. Here's a one. And you know what? You need less strategy. You need more presence, more genuineness, more being really real with the woman. Here's one story from my past. I'll give you the before and the after.

Here's my Brett story, basically. I had a first date once with a woman. This is in the late double zeros when I was really getting good at dating. And I had learned that when I'm kind of cheeky and a smartass, because that is authentically me, good things were happening on dates. So I was seeing some improved interactions, some better connections. And I had a first date with a woman, a waitress that I met, and I boldly asked her out as she was serving my table and she was

a knockout. She looked like Jessica Alba. That's what I remember. I was like, Oh my God, she looks just like Jessica Alba. She looked like Jessica Alba, but with big chunky, nerdy artsy glasses, just total dynamite, beautiful woman. And I boldly asked her out and she said, Yes, so we go to our first date. And at that point, I'd been consuming a lot of content. And what had been working for me to a reasonable extent was being a bit of a smartass, being a bit of a cheeky smartass, which is definitely authentic to me. So I thought, well, that that's if that's working with other women, I'm going to dial it up way up

with, I'll call her Jessica, Jessica Alba Jr. And I go on this first date with Jessica Alba Jr. and I'm like, cocky line here, teasing line here, persona. I'm playing the part of cocky pickup artist, too cool for school, Connell. And I remember saying things like, you know, I'm going to go to the men's room. Don't miss me too much while I'm gone. I know you will. But I wasn't saying it ironically.

I was saying it as a move. And I remember, what else did I tell her on that date? We met at this really nice cocktail lounge. It was really classy. And I remember I, oh, I would tell her, oh, you totally lost points with me when you said that. I was really liking you until you said that you are into such and such band.

Yeah, 10 points off. And after a lot of base guys doing all this kung fu content game, a very little there was almost no part of the day where it was just me being normal. Just me being normal. I wasn't even normal. And at one point she looked at me and she tilted her head and said, Does this work on girls what you're doing? I said what do you mean?

She's like does this thing you're doing work? And she didn't know exactly how to articulate it but she was basically saying why are you being so weird and fake? She was basically saying you're not relatable. This persona you're putting on is not working. And she we, we had a pleasant day, she didn't leave, but the date didn't go very well. And it ended and she never wrote me back. Justifiably so. Because she didn't mean Connell. She didn't meet this genuine, sometimes snarky, but also sweet, kind, nerdy golf journalist, my job

at the time. She met this persona I was putting on who was doing game, game, game, move, move, move. And that was so unrelatable to her. That was a big aha moment for me. And I remember thinking, okay, there's something here. There's something really valuable here. Less is more. Less is a lot more.

And what I've since learned, and this was literally 17, 18 years ago, and what I've learned in a lot of years working on myself and also my clients is we want way less strategy and game on a date, and a lot more genuine present, presence, realness, genuineness. You struggle with dating, right?

Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there.

But I escaped. Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, and Radical Authenticity is Why Psychology Today Called Me the Best Dating Coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to DatingTransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find

your dream girlfriend and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Here's a nice flip side story of that date. Different woman, different time, different year. But I had a first date with a woman, and Rebecca is her name. And I remember thinking, you know what, I'm just feeling tonight,

as I walked into the bar to meet Rebecca several years ago, I remember thinking, you know what, I'm gonna lose, I'm gonna forget about everything in terms of strategy. I'm just gonna be so present with her. I'm not going to strain for any funny lines. I'm not going to try to impress her. I'm not going to try not to. I'm just going to be present. I'm going to let, let my thoughts and feelings arise. And I'll say what I say in the moment. And I really, I was at the time I was taking a lot of improv classes and I was learning about the power, how magnetic and fun and real we all are when we get in that present moment and we just listen and

we react in the moment as our true selves from a place of truth and genuineness. And I had this first date with Rebecca, and I was so funny. And I didn't plan a single move or line. I mean, there are also moments when I wasn't funny. There are moments when I was just listening and reacting to something she said, I was really vulnerable. There was, oh, here's what I remember about the date. This is not something I would ever tell you to do on a date,

but this came out organically in the moment. Things got really vulnerable between Rebecca and myself. We started talking about our first sexual experiences. Now, tread lightly here. I am not telling you to talk about the first time you had sex, but it came up organically, no pun intended, on the date, and I told this true, vulnerable story

about the first woman, my very, very first girlfriend in college, and how her name was Angie, my first girlfriend. Angie, if you're out there, you're the best. You're the best girlfriend ever, first girlfriend ever. And I told the story about how I lied to my first girlfriend. I was embarrassed about being a virgin. And so I told my college girlfriend

that I was experienced. And then I proceeded to put off having sex with her because I was afraid. I was just afraid of being bad at sex. So Angie was always trying to hook up with me because she'd had a little bit of experience and I had none. And I kept pushing her away. And when we finally this is the story I'm telling on my date with Rebecca. Okay, so I'm on I tell I'm telling Rebecca about the first time I ever had sex and how I lasted one second. Poor Angie was waiting three months to finally wear me down because I was afraid.

And when we finally had sex, I lasted 0.00001 second. Hugely disappointing to Angie, I'm sure. And anyway, I remember telling the story on my date with Rebecca, and Rebecca was just loving every word of it because it was real, it was genuine. And then I forget the story she told me back, but she talked about her first time, I think, and it was just so genuine, a true emotional connection. We're swapping stories about our sexual and romantic mishaps from our youth and I just remember how she really loved it, that story I shared,

and I was interested in hers as well. And I went into that date planning nothing other than just be present. Just be present, just be authentic and trust that I'm gonna say and do the right things. And that natural chemistry will do its job. And I felt like I was walking on a tightrope without a net at first, but it felt really good once I got comfortable doing it. And that was a big eye-opening experience for me.

And I would say that I went in with zero strategy. I would not give you a zero strategy first date piece of advice, but let's find a middle ground what I call that 80-20 rule. When you go on a first date with a woman, think 80% is just you being genuine, sincere yourself, talking normally the way you would with anybody else. And 20% is strategic. And by strategic, I just mean flirtatious, what I call mando woman. You know, 80% is you just talking about your life,

your loves, your job, your interests, asking her about hers, just being really sincere and genuine and owning who you are. And then 20% would, 20% at most would be a little joke here, or sorry, a little compliment here. Maybe look her in the eye and say,

by the way, I love that you're into classic rock. That's so charming and attractive when a woman likes old school music. Give her a little compliment, right? That's the 20%. Or the 20% might be a nice playful tease. I love playful teasing. I do it with everybody I like. It's not just a dating move.

My girlfriend and I tease each other all the time But yeah, the 20% might be Wait, what you like Taylor Swift? Oh, man. Why do all the cute girls? Like the most predictable artists. Oh, nobody's perfect. Give her a cute little playful tease right You might there's nothing wrong with sharing a story that you know is strategically smart on a date. I'm a big fan of storytelling and showing a window into your world. Nothing wrong with that. But so you might be you might tell a story from your past that you know

is good strategy for a date. That's fine, you can do that. But we just wanna keep it 80%, you're not straining and trying to achieve anything. Because what you're doing here by sort of becoming more emotionally naked is you're allowing a realness, a warmth, a vulnerability, or whatever emotion you're feeling. Maybe you're feeling cocky and cheeky, fine.

Be a little bit cocky and cheeky, which I feel when I'm in the zone. You're just showing women a really real version of you. And women who like your type are gonna really like you on that date. And you're not gonna have to use a lot of quote unquote content and planned strategic material. And one of the great benefits of this eighty twenty rule is that this lowers the bar for how good your conversation has to be.

I was giving this tip to an incredibly awesome new clients i have named rick and i was saying to rick at eighty twenty. 80% be authentic and normal, sincere, 20% of most the moves the game. And he's like, I thought it was the other way around. I thought it was 8020. flirty gamey stuff. I'm like, no, hell no. Less is more. So think of the man to woman what I call man to woman communication, think of the flirty piece of this as like, like, it's, um, it's pepper, or maybe it's salt at most, but it's not the whole dish. And Brett was making it the whole dish.

I was making it the whole dish. When I had that first date with Jessica Alba Jr. And she was basically saying, yo, dude, if you could just be yourself We you and I might have gotten together but I was Too focused on projecting what I felt she wanted or needed or projecting a persona that I thought would work I was too outcome based. I was I was too focused, too focused on outcome, instead of just being present with this pretty seemingly cool woman who came on a date with me.

And I was treating her as a strategic result I was trying to get instead of just talking to a person. And yeah, so that's my more philosophical tip for you. Next first date you go on, 80-20, okay? Maybe even 90-10. Now we do need to make some moves, okay? We do need to lead that dating dance. I do want you to, on pretty much every first date, I want you to, assuming you find a woman

attractive and you genuinely are liking her, I want you to give her some sort of clear, verbally clear statement of your interest in her. Tell her something you like about her and use a word that makes it flirtatious, right? Charming, adorable, sexy, if you're feeling bold. On my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess, I said, you know what's really sexy about you?

It's your intelligence, your wit. You're so quick witted and funny. God, I love your, your sense of humor. Really sexy. And that I think that really impacted her in a good way. So say something flirtatious, be at least a little bit, a little bit physically expressive to see how she responds. You know, a little high five here, a little fist bump there. Maybe you hold hands if it's going well. Some women like physicality, some don't.

Read the room. So yeah, we want that 20% to be there. But really, it's 80%. Just you being normal, talking about your life, what you're about, and asking her about who she is and letting her open up. And you need to go first as the man. Because typically, a woman wants a guy to take the lead on a date, even in the area of going first and being kind of more vulnerable or flirtatious or leading the conversation. So I do want you to lead the dating dance, but lead it from a place of sincerity and authenticity. And what I think you'll find, and I'll end with this, what I think you'll find is that when you lower the bar for how good your quote content needs to be, and you

just lean into this 80%, me being myself is 80% of a good date. When you do that, you lower the bar for how good you think things need to be, your content, what you say, that actually that paradoxically makes it even easier for you to be present and funny and charismatic. That's something improv has taught me. Improv taught me the invaluable lesson that anything that you plan in advance is probably not going to be as good as what comes out in the present moment.

And that's true of an improv scene. That's super true on a first date. My old improv coach, Sean, he used to watch, he used to see me walk out onto the stage of an improv show or an improv scene, he could just see my wheels turning of the thing I was planning to say. And then I planned and then I said the planned thing. And it was robotic and stiff and usually not funny. And Sean would say, Connell, you're way funnier and better when you just do improv, meaning present, let, listen, react, be present. The same is true for first dates, the same is true for approach, the same is true for

texting, talking to a woman, don't jump on chat GPT every three seconds and try to find the perfect thing to say. Don't do that on a date either. What I mean is don't plan everything on a date. Trust yourself. You is don't plan everything on a date. Trust yourself. You might be surprised how funny and attractive and charming and magnetic you can be when you follow the 80-20 rule. And the extension of the 80-20 rule is what I call the three P's. On a first date, if you're not, if you get in your head, if you're, if you have a date coming up and you're not sure you get in your head, if you're if you have a date coming up and you're not sure what do I do? How do I make this go? Well, here are

three P's. Okay. The first P is presence. Being present, listening to her being present to the moment. Not planning too far ahead what you're going to say or do. And not overthinking just really listening to her and listening to yourself. So presence, so important. Positivity is also important because you want to bring a good positive mode to a date. Unlike Brat, don't go to a date thinking, I hope her bitch shield isn't up. No, no, no. Don't do that. So you want to be positive, be present and playful. Follow those three P's. And oh my god, if you're present, you're not going to be planning all your so called moves. If you're positive, you're going to be bringing a warm positive vibe to her table, and that'll feel good to her.

And if you're playful, that's what flirting really is based on. Flirting is about play. So follow those three P's and also the 80-20 rule. And that's more than enough for you to be thinking about on a date. So watch less TikTok, watch less Instagram for content, watch less YouTube. The secret to you finding your future girlfriend, probably it's not waiting for you on YouTube or Instagram or TikTok. Probably. It's going to come from you going out into the world and being authentic, at times courageous. Got to take authentic courageous action. But if you're courageous, if you're authentic, and you bring good, warm, gentlemanly intention, if you lead that dating dance from a positive, warm place, you're too

cool not to get a great girlfriend. But what do I know? I've only got 20 years of experience. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to this episode. Don't forget, your dream girlfriend is out there. She's gonna love you, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic you. Until next time.