How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett - The Date Seemed Great… So Why Did You End Up in the Friend Zone? (Part 1)

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

The date seemed to go well—conversation flowed, and there were no awkward silences. Yet she texted you those painful words: “I just didn’t feel a connection.” In Part 1 of this two-part episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett explains why many men end up in the Friend Zone. He also shares how changing the way you communicate with women creates the spark that leads to second dates, first kisses—and a lasting relationship.ARE YOU STRUGGLING TO ESCAPE THE FRIEND ZONE? BOOK A FREE CONSULTATION WITH CONNELL: DatingTransformation.comGET A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”: Email: [e-mail] (Write “Free Book” in Subject Line)

Women don't put us in the friend zone. We do it to ourselves. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett, helping you flirt with confidence and make sparks happen with women, get dates and get a great girlfriend, and do it all by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed here. This is all about radical authenticity as I talk about in my book.

And today's episode is the first of two parts, a little mini series here about how to escape the friend zone. How to go from being stuck in the friend zone with women to making sparks happen. And of course, being able to make those sparks happen with the woman who's going to become your girlfriend. And speaking of my book, let's begin this episode with a dramatic reading. Here we go. I'm going to do a dramatic reading from my own book. Chapter 5 is called How to Ignite Romantic Connection. Here we go. As he sat in the candlelit wine bar waiting for Becca to arrive, Trevor could feel the nerves churn. It was their first date, and he was excited to meet the successful

chef he'd connected with on Bumble. She wasn't just a beautiful brunette. She was quick and witty, and she matched him text for clever text. But Trevor had been struggling with first dates. He'd met several women recently, and none of them had felt a strong connection for him. And on a quick, pre-date phone call, Becca gave Trevor a heads up. With the last couple guys I met, there was just no chemistry, she told him. So don't take it personally if we don't hit it off. Was this a preemptive friend zoning? It's like I'm an Alcatraz, Trevor said to me. And this night was going to be different, though, because Trevor had been working on what I call man-to-woman communication, which is a turbocharged form of flirting that amplifies romantic connection.

Becca walked in and found Trevor to be warm and roguish while he was impressed by her easy confidence. He gently teased her for running a few minutes behind. parentheses, quote, you owe me a drink for every minute you're running late. And quote, and she laughed. Trevor gave her space not leaning in too much or seeming overly eager. And he was playful, a trait that had long been lacking on his recent dates. And when Becca looked at his button-down shirt with her eyes looking down at his chest, he feigned offense. Excuse me, my eyes are up here, he said.

Please stop objectifying me like I'm a piece of meat. She giggled and punched his arm. And then they bonded over their mutual passions. They both loved cooking. They both were into yoga. And it was during their second drink, Trevor took her hand and they intertwined fingers. And Becca tossed her leg over his. He moved closer and he whispered in her ear, you're even cooler than I was hoping for.

Minutes later, they were kissing and half the bar was shooting them, get a room, glances. Before they left, Becca was the one who suggested their second date, which happened to be a private couple's massage at her favorite spa. Not a bad second date. And walking home, Trevor felt a heady buzz of romance, Belgian beer, and freedom. He had finally escaped from the Alcatraz of the Friend Zone. Okay, that ends my opening to Chapter 5. I wanted to do a little dramatic reading of my own book, as narcissistic as that might have been, because I want to talk about the Friend Zone, which is one of the major sticking points

that a lot of nice guys, introverted guys, logical analytical men battle. They just don't know how to communicate with women in that way that creates sparks. Because when sparks fly between a man and a woman, it can seem random. It can seem like something that just happens, you know, like lightning striking or winning the power ball. But the truth is, when you learn the art of what I call romantic, connection or man to woman communication, when you learn that art, then you can add a lot of consistency to your first and second dates or to the conversations you have with women you're into. And it really is all about man to woman communication, which is a breezy, flirty frequency

that amplifies natural chemistry. And so I think of man to woman communication as the one way ticket to getting out of the friend zone and getting into getting a lot more second and third dates and getting a lot more women into you. So let's talk about what the friend zone is. In part one today, I'm going to break down what the friend zone is. I might be able to help you see the matrix, so to speak, of what causes the friend zone so that you can understand it and get out of it. And then in part two coming up in the next episode, I'm going to have all kinds of practical tips on what to say, how to say it, how to how to communicate with women in the way that creates sparks when there's a mutual interest from both of you. So here's a little thought

experiment. Imagine you're on a first date, but it's going nowhere. She checks her phone a lot, the conversation is polite, platonic. It moves along okay. And after one, drink, she says, well, I have to run, but it was nice meeting you. And then you head home thinking, what did I do wrong? Am I just not attractive? Are women just not into me? That's scenario number one. Now, I want you to imagine the same scenario. Let's say you're on a date with that same woman, but this time, the air is electric. She twirls her hair, she touches your arm, and you feel confident, you feel in the zone and magnetic, and you know what to say within reason, and you know how to say it, and then you lean in, and you kiss her. And you can tell by her flirtiness, the way

she kisses you back, the moans she makes, the cute feminine energy she's giving you, you know there's going to be a second date. And who knows where it might lead? It might lead to a third date, a fourth date, intimacy, and eventually a great relationship, which is really what you want, right? Now, the difference between those two scenes, in the first one, you played it safe. And you treated her like a friend or a friendly acquaintance. And then the second one, you let go, you loosened up, you were playful, and you connected on the man to a woman wavelength. So what I'm getting at here is in reality, women don't put us in the friend zone. We do it to ourselves.

We do it. How do we do it? By treating women basically like buddies, like friends, not as potential lovers. So here is a, here's the matrix of social interactions I want to show you. When my best coach back in the day showed me how this worked, he melted my brain. I don't know if I'm going to melt your brain or not, but I hope I'm going to help you see some invisible, some invisible, an invisible reality. out there. Of all the social interactions you can have out in the world, let's call each social interaction a frame. What is a frame by my definition here? A frame is an unspoken set of behavioral cues and assumptions that determine the context of the social interaction with you and that other

person, and it governs the way two people relate to each other. And pretty much every interaction you have with others, except not counting family, I'm leaving your family out of this for obvious reasons, pretty much every interaction you have socially throughout your day, throughout your life, falls into one of three frames. Here they are. Frame number one is friend to friend. That's the purely platonic vibe where there's no sexual subtext. They're a friend, he or she's a friend, and that's just the way it is. That's how you two interact. The second frame is man to woman. That's the romantic context in which your masculine, playful, attracted side comes out, her feminine, attracted female side comes out and your essences just click, man to a woman.

And the third frame is, let's call this business slash professional. This is the way you relate to colleagues or clients or, I don't know, if you're at a restaurant the way you would talk to the waitress, you're at a clothing store, the person, the person, woman, man, whoever, who's helping you try on clothes, there's a way we speak in a professional context. So all three frames summarize or I should say encapsulate all the ways you can interact with people outside of your family. Almost every encounter you have with a woman is going to fall into one of those three frames. It's just how our minds make sense of social situations in the world to

survive and thrive. We automatically click to one of these three channels. It's kind of like you have a remote control. You're clicking to one of these three channels. And dating problems and the quote unquote friend zone happens when you accidentally select the friend to friend channel while with a given woman who you're attracted to or talking to a given woman rather than what you want to do, which is flipping to the man to woman channel. So a woman might actually find you attractive. She might quite literally find you her type, handsome, charming, her type, the kind of guy she wants to be with. But your subcommunications, all the social cues that are coming from the way you're communicating with her, your vibe, your voice, your eye contact, and other influences. these all these communication cues if you are friend to friend with her will make her feel

friend zone meaning just friend vibes okay so here's a quick story from my dating past because bro i did not just live in the friend zone i owned real estate there i was a friend zone oligarch I was the Vladimir Putin of the friend zone. And I remember at a first date with this incredibly attractive, bright, warm, young woman named Brandy. This was many, many years ago. And actually, this might have been our, I take it back. This was our second date. And conversation flowed fine.

Brandy was very pretty. She had red hair like me, which we joked about. we were like, oh my gosh, it's kind of like we're brother and sister. Ha, ha, ha. Our kids would look like, you know, like us, literally. So I have a couple of pleasant dates with Brandy. First date, drinks, just get to know you chit chat. It went fine.

I didn't kiss her. I didn't quote unquote make any moves. I was just, you know, nice, friendly. And then on our second date, this is the one I really remember. We're in Brooklyn, where she lived at the time. and we're sitting in this park after a second date, another round of drinks, or maybe we got tapas. And we're sitting in this park on a bench. And she's giving me all these signals.

She's looking at me. She's smiling. She touched my knee. She touched my shoulder a few times. And I just continued to keep things platonic and safe. I played it very safe. No point did I say what I wanted to say. I wanted to say, you are super.

so cute. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to tell her I wanted to kiss her, but I was very nice and safe and I didn't make a move at all. And then there was a moment where we just had this window of that first kiss. This kiss window opened and I didn't take it. And then I could see her, I wouldn't say her head fell, but I could see her, she just gestured and she sort of went, well, I'm going to get going now, and she got up and walked away. She wasn't doing it in a mean way. She just said, well, I think that'll call it a night. And I knew what I had done.

And I walk up alongside her. I kind of had to catch up to her and jog a little bit. And I caught up alongside her. And I said, hey, wait. And I took her hand. And I said, okay, now I'm going to kiss her. And I went in, and she turned her cheek and said, no, I'm sorry. You had your chance back there.

You had your chance. I'm sorry, Connell. And she wasn't even being mean about it. She was being really sweet. And wow, that. And, you know, I walked her home and we hugged goodnight. I could just tell that it was over. I could tell because she told me.

And that was my no more of this moment. I said, I'm going to figure this out. I want to understand how you get out of this friend zone. And so what I want to share with you now is, So now, but this was long before I understood, oh, here's what was going on. I was being friend to friend with her. I wasn't being man to woman. I wasn't creating the sparks and creating that intent, okay, that romantic intent.

So here are the three primary pillars of man to woman communication, okay? Here they are. Number one is showing clear romantic interest. Your words and actions, which means your words and actions let her know. that you're romantically interested, that this is the story of boy meets girl, not friend meets friend. And with Brandy and myself back in the day, other than the fact that we met on a dating app, there was no romantic interest shown by me in how I talked to her. I said, sure, do you want to get a drink? Do you want to sit on this bench? But there was no eye contact. There was no sexy eye contact.

There was no going for the first kiss. There was no, hey, Brandy, you're gorgeous. You're so cool. I'm so glad we're on a date right now. There was nothing. And I paid the price. The second pillar of man to woman communication, and this is really important for you.

Listen up. The listener of my podcast definitely needs to hear this. Number two, communicating emotionally, not logically, viscerally, not logically. most men, if not most men, at least most men who struggle with dating, communicate in a logical, analytical way. And that is fantastic in your career. If you're a lawyer, a doctor, a business guy, a banker, an accountant, counting those numbers, logical, analytical, it's probably helped you crush it in your career, but it stifles romantic connection. I forget who said this.

I keep forgetting to give her credit, but a woman, some female dating experts said on another podcast, she said, logic is the opposite of romance. So the second pillar of man to woman is communicate emotionally, not logically. And the difference there would be the difference between saying or asking a woman, when did you graduate college, which is a purely informational question, as opposed to, what did you love most about going to college? Just speaking the language of emotion is a way to start getting out of the friend zone.

And the third pillar of man-to-woman communication is leading, not following. Dating is a dance. And that means as the man, you, me, we have to lead that dance. So you lead the conversation. you leave you ask her out you make the plan you make the suggestion you pick the place you within a reason you you steer the conversation or at least you allow the conversation to organically go to fun enjoyable places you lead at least to start and women follow again at least to start i do not mean that in an old-fashioned women do what you say thing i don't mean that at all i just mean it to dance

men ask women to dance. That's our job. And they say yes or no. And so on his prior dates, my client, Trevor, he just hadn't shown enough clear interest. He was speaking in a logical way with women, not an emotional way. And he just wasn't leading enough.

And that often, most of the time, was getting him stuck in the friend zone. I have so many clients who come to me because they literally had 7, 8, 9, 10 straight first dates that ended with women saying almost verbatim, hey, I just didn't feel a connection. You're a nice guy, but I just didn't feel a connection. And that's what you want to avoid. Obviously, we don't want to have to deal with that anymore if we can help it. And let's go back to Trevor's incredible date with Becca. By the way, he showed me a photo.

This is a beautiful girl. This is a lovely brunette, a chef, and just a total, total what I call a wow girl. I'm not big on the number scale. I just like to say there are wow girls and then there's everybody else, a girl who makes you go, wow. This is incredible. She's incredible. And Becca's a wow girl. And what's amazing about that story is how Becca had talked to him a day or two before.

their date, just to give him that heads up. Hey, just so you know, most of the guys I'm meeting, I'm just not feeling it. She was trying to be nice because she was anticipating that it wasn't going to work. But he dialed into that man to a woman zone with her, specifically, like he teased her. She was running late, and he teased her, well, better not wait too long. Every minute you're late, you want me a drink. So he was putting like a playful pressure on her, just playfully. So he teased her and she laughed. He told her straight up, you're beautiful. She blushed.

He led the conversation she followed. There was another moment from their date, if I recall, where she was talking about her boss or talking about some stressful boss situation. And he gave her a few minutes to chat about it, but then he realized, I'm not leading the date. and he he basically changed the subject and said okay well no more talk about work let's have some fun and then he played a fun first date game they played uh you know two truths and a lie or something like that he just made it playful and he told me how she really responded to that and he could see

that she liked that she was he was taking ownership for the date he was leading so again here are the three pillars of man to woman communication showing clear interest communicating a emotionally, not logically, and leading, not following. And yeah, man, woman, you know, action, reaction. And there's lots of different ways to create the man to woman energy. And in the second episode I'll be doing on this, I'll give you so many different strategies, and you can find one that works for you.

But it's not just about what you say. Sometimes it's also about an overall energy that you're conveying. And look, I have all the practical moves in the world that I teach my clients or teach a listener to the podcast. But you don't need all that many moves. Again, your worth, your value to women is going to come out through your authentic self. Okay. So think of man to woman communication. It's like a lens. And you're using it to refract to channel your genuine, authentic, real, healthy, normal, romantic, and yes, at times sexual desire. And that is healthy and normal. And you don't need a lot of fancy tactics and moves and perfect things to say when a woman is just like, uh, feeling it from you. Here's a quick story. I was once in L.A. It says before I became a dating coach, but I'd gotten pretty darn good at this stuff. So I was just a civilian.

I was a journalist at the time on a work trip. But while I was there, I met a woman named Valerie. I approached her at the W. Hotel in Hollywood on a Sunday night social event they had there. It was a hop-a-night on a Sunday night. And I approached her. We chatted. I got her number. And we made a date for one or two nights.

later in Venice Beach where I was staying. And for our first date, we're having drinks at this patio bar in Venice Beach near my hotel, really close. And on paper, it's really interesting, on paper, Valerie and I seemed pretty different. She's a woman of color who grew up like in an inner city upbringing and went from there to owning a Santa Monica boutique, as I recall, or co-owning it, really had really become successful, built her way up. I, um, um, a white ginger dude from Ohio, but New York City then, we seemed very different on paper. A golf journalist and an inner city woman with style expertise

and this badass business woman. On paper, we didn't really seem like a couple or like we might hit it off, but our chemistry, our man to woman chemistry and polarity was off the charts. And we were sitting at this rooftop bar. We were both feeling the sexual tension rising. We were talking, laughing. It was going pretty well. And I remember about two hours, maybe 90 minutes, two hours at most into the date.

Our first date, by the way, officially our first date, we had talked for about a half hour two nights earlier. But our official first date was this Monday or Tuesday night. And I remember just being so turned on. by her, our connection, the moment. And I didn't know I was doing it, but I was giving her this eye contact that was just an expression of my desire for her. I was just looking at her like, I want you. And she said, and I quote, you're looking at me like I'm dessert. No woman had ever said that before. And I don't remember what I said. Something like, well, you look delicious. That's probably what I said. And this eye contact and expression of my

attraction toward her was clearly getting her turned on. What you feel to some extent the woman's going to feel. Part of romantic sexual attraction is to allow that desire to come from you so that she can feel it and then she'll reflect it back at you or she might anyway. And we were both getting really turned on. And as we walked back to my hotel, we walked into the hotel lobby, or sorry, the hallway of my hotel. And she was unbuttoning her top in my hotel lobby hallway. Before my key was in the door, she was taking off her top. I'd never had that happen before.

I was like, oh, my God, wow. That was how turned on. she and I were both feeling. And so yeah, so a big piece of the man to a woman puzzle, yes, you do want to have the right things to say within a reason, but so much of it is like emotional, visceral. And most men occupy a logical analytical world. And but women respond to emotions. Women just love emotions. And so when you're dating, you want to allow yourself as a date goes on or a conversation goes on. Let's talk, let's think about a first date. We want to allow that visceral masculine side to come out so that she can feel the visceral

and she can feel the emotional side. Basically, you don't want to be Mr. Spock. You want to be Captain Kirk. It's a date. It's not a business lunch, right? So you want to filter your language through that emotional visceral lens, not purely an informational one. So again, I'm a Star Wars nerd and a Star Trek nerd. So yeah, be Captain Kirk, not Mr. Spock. So yeah, what do I mean by examples of logical versus emotional? There's different ways that women become attracted to a man. And it's not as simple as, or it can be as simple as looking a woman in the eye and saying,

you are so sexy the way you laugh. That can absolutely work. or you can just give her the eyes like I did with Valerie. But there's other ways, too. Let me give an example of two ways to communicate. I'm going to say the same. I'm going to give you two quick little mini-bios of me that'll take 10 seconds each. One of them contains information.

I'm sorry, they both contain the same information. But in the first, I'm going to give you the Mr. Spock, the logical, just the facts. And in the second, I'll give you the emotional, the Captain Kirk. Here we go. Here's Mr. Spock logical. I'm Connell Barrett. I've lived in New York City for over 20 years. I moved here to be a writer, and now I'm a dating coach.

I also play tennis. I sing karaoke, and I like reading books about the Civil War. Okay. Now, here's the emotional Captain Kirk version of that. My name is Connell fucking Barrett. I've lived in New York City for 20. five amazing, fulfilling wild years. I moved here to follow my dream of becoming a great writer. I'm a dating coach, which lights me up inside and out because I get to help men and women find love,

which makes me feel incredible. And when I'm not throwing my tennis racket like a brat on the court, I'm singing 80s power ballads by Bon Jovi and nerding out on Civil War books. because I love to read. So the first one, the logical, Mr. Spock, it was logical. And a woman would have fallen asleep had I said that to her on a date. In fact, many women did zone out. The second one is more emotional. And I guess what I'm getting at here is it's not even just about flirting,

although flirting is so important. Man to Women communication is just about channeling an emotional, visceral Mr. Spock's side. And that alone can get a woman really attracted to you. Because attraction is not something a woman logically chooses. It's something that she viscerally feels. And you can help her feel those feels in ways great and small. Okay. So let's end there.

Stay tuned for episode number two. Episode number two is going to be all the good stuff. It's going to be what you say. It's going to be how you spike the punch of a first date, so to speak, to help women to feel those feels. But to do it in a very win-win, playful, doing it for the greater good way. This is not about tactics and to seduce her into hooking up with you. Quite the opposite. It's about let's lead this dance.

Let's make both of us feel amazing as we dance together. and then the romantic and yes, sometimes sexual feels will start to come out. By the way, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I always forget to say this. If you ever want to book a free call with me to find out how my dating coaching works, you can do that by going to my website, datingtransformation.com. And if you don't want a dating coach, that's totally cool. Not everybody wants one or needs one. But what I also would love to do, I was reading from my book at the beginning of this episode,

Email me free book or just book, put that in the subject line. Shoot me an email and I will send you a free copy of my book. Dating sucks, but you don't just because I'm so proud of it and I would love for you to check it out. And my email is Connell at datingtransformation.com. That's C-O-N-N-E-L at datingtransformation.com. Dating transformation is all smushed together that way. All right. Thanks for listening and stay tuned.

Stay tuned for episode two about getting out of the friend zone using man to woman communication.